Ask a Manager

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. How to deal with coworkers rolling their eyes in a meeting

How do you deal with staff attending a meeting and being very noticeably annoyed with whatever is being said? Two particular coworkers always roll their eyes, I guess to show how they feel about the situation – no matter what is being said. It is visibly noticed by everyone at the meeting. People are afraid to make a comment or share ideas, opinions, etc. It is a very awkward situation, but even the manager running the meeting ignores it because I don’t think he even knows how to address it.

I’m not their manager, but if I could help remedy the situation in some way, I would. It’s embarrassing to attend these meetings and not being able to address this with them or even knowing how to address this with them, as an observer. Help!

The people who should be addressing this issue and who are being negligent for not taking this on are, in order of who should be speaking up the fastest: their manager, the person running the meeting, and anyone else witnessing this who’s above them in your office’s hierarchy. Any of those people have both standing and obligation to address this, and they’re really screwing up by not telling these two employees directly that it’s not acceptable (or asking the direct manager to do that).

It sounds like you’re a peer, in which case you don’t have much standing to tackle this, but if you have a good relationship with your own manager, you could certainly point out that this behavior is making the meetings unpleasant for everyone and inhibiting discussion and ask if it can be addressed.

2. My friend went after a job I wanted and gave me bad advice about my own interview

I am a newly licensed registered nurse. The job search has been brutal and I managed to get a call for a phone interview to a plastic surgeon’s office. I told a close friend of mine, who is also a registered nurse and who already has a full-time job as well as an on-call per diem position on the weekends at another establishment. This friend of mine called the office of the plastic surgeon and managed to get an interview that same week for a part-time position at the same place I was going to be interviewed.

When speaking to her about the job before she or I interviewed, she expressed a lot of negativity, as well as encouraged me to demand to know the salary upfront. I did no such thing, but when she interviewed, she presented herself as someone who didn’t care how much they were going to pay her. She managed to get a call back the same day to meet with the doctor the next week. I did not get a call back.

When I confronted her about what she did, she justified by saying she was going for a part-time position and wouldn’t have taken a full-time position if offered. I believe that even that part-time position she received could have been offered to me, which I would have readily accepted. I feel completely betrayed and am wondering if she just wasn’t thinking or was malicious about the whole situation. There might be a job opening at her full-time job, but I am reluctant to accept a job offer where I would have to work closely beside her. I realize now that I should have been more discreet about my job search, but I didn’t think that someone who already has a full-time job that she loves, as well as another job to make additional income, would go interview for the same position I was. They were not even considering a part-time position at the plastic surgeon’s office until she called. The position was for a full-time nurse.

Your friend sucks. It’s true that you can’t call dibs on a job, but a good friend wouldn’t have tried to elbow you out of the way (especially when you’re out of work and she has two jobs), let alone purposely give you bad advice that she didn’t use herself. She is a crappy friend. I’m sorry.

3. Asking for extra vacation days during a salary freeze

I have been working as an administrative assistant for 2.5 years at my current job, a family owned company with about 20 employees. Each December, performance reviews are done. At each of my 3 performance reviews, I have been given nothing but stellar comments on how well I perform my job as well as my willingness to go above and beyond. However, I have never gotten a raise. At the last 2 reviews (the only ones at which I might have anticipated a raise), I was told that there simply is not enough money and no one will be getting raises. I do believe this is true.

I plan to sit down with my manager in June, as she asked me to do last December, to see if a raise may now be in the cards. I don’t think the company will be able to give me one, though. If they aren’t, would I be out of line in asking for an extra 5 or so days of paid time off? It would not affect my ability to complete my work, but would allow me to have a total of 4 weeks, or 20 days, paid time off (my company does not differentiate vacation time from sick time). Regardless of whether or not I get a raise, I do not plan to job search in the foreseeable future.

No, that’s not out of line. Point out that you haven’t had a raise since starting 2.5 years ago, not even a cost of living adjustment, and that you understand that the company has had a salary freeze but that you’re wondering if there might be other ways to recognize your increased level of contribution, such as additional vacation days. If you’re a great employee, a good manager will see this as a way to retain you when she can’t do it via salary.

4. No application instructions, but a contact in HR

There’s a national organization that is based out of my town that I would love to work for. I have family friends who have worked for them and they are a wonderful organization that is loyal to their employees. I was childhood friends with one of their HR employees, but we went separate ways in high school (different schools) and have been casual acquaintances since then.

One of the jobs at the organization came through in my job hunt and I was going through the website to apply, but there is no link to the exterior website they have used in the past for applications, nor an email address to send the applications to. I have my childhood friend’s email from a previous application (a stretch job that I was under-qualified for). Do I email her a quick note to tell her that there is no application links or directions (on any of their listings-including one for a director’s position) or do I email her my cover letter and resume and just mention in the cover letter that there was no link for applications but I had her email from a previous application?

I’d do a hybrid of those two — email her a note to let her know that you’re interested in applying for a job with them and noticed there’s no longer any information on the website about how to apply, so you wanted to give her a heads-up about that, and add that in case she happens to be able to funnel your application to the right place, you’re attaching a resume and cover letter for the position of ___.

5. Explaining a move due to my employer shutting down

I work for a nonprofit organization that is folding. I’m heartbroken, but I’m taking this as an opportunity to relocate several states away, to be near my parents. I’m applying for jobs in advance of my move, but I am not sure how much I should say in my cover letter. Should I come right out and say that I’m leaving my job because the company is dissolving? I love my job. I wouldn’t be leaving it for any other reason.

Also, should I come right out and say that I am looking to relocate for personal reasons? I am worried that getting a long-distance interview will be more difficult because a hiring manager doesn’t want to waste time on someone who may or may not relocate, and might expect relocation assistance.

How long have you been there? Assuming it’s not an amount of time so small that thinking of leaving would raise eyebrows, you don’t need to get into your reasons in your cover letter — and really shouldn’t, since your cover letter should be focused on why you’d excel at and are excited about the job you’re applying to.

On the relocation question, follow the advice here and here, and explain that you’re moving to ___ to be closer to family. (Don’t say “personal reasons” — that sounds oddly secretive when there’s no reason to be.)

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. My boyfriend and I work together, and he won’t share info about our coworkers

My boyfriend and I met at work. We do not work in the same department. However, we started working on the same brand last month and we have been in more meetings together.He has issues with his assistant, but they are things he would not share with me because it is “inappropriate” for him to do so. We used to share stories with each other. I think I have the right to know as his girlfriend. I think he needs to see me as his girlfriend, not as his colleague for this matter. The way I see it is like we are sharing stuff about work with each other like we used to (about work itself, colleagues, etc.), as friends or as a couple. We used to talk about this assistant, other assistants…not gossiping, just normal conversations about the day, etc. Why does this have to change? What am I missing?

If you date someone at work, you’re not just boyfriend/girlfriend; you’re also coworkers, and that comes with a real need to maintain boundaries between work and your personal lives because of all the sticky issues that can arise. It sounds like your boyfriend is trying to set up those boundaries, which is smart — particularly when it comes to performance problems with his assistant, which you really shouldn’t be in the know about. Think of it this way: If your boss was dating one of your coworkers, would you want her telling that person all about your performance problems?

That said, why not ask him what his thinking is here so that you have a better sense of where he’s coming from? Don’t ask in a way that sounds like you’re pressuring him to talk about things he doesn’t want to discuss, because that would be out of line; rather, make it clear that you’re asking because you want to better understand his perspective. Hopefully that’ll initiate a conversation about how to preserve appropriate boundaries while you’re dating and working together.

And in general, don’t pressure someone you’re dating to share information with you about a third party. You’re not entitled to that, and pushing for it will usually come across as overly controlling. You don’t want to be that person.

2. Re-declining candidates who apply a second time

I am meticulous about getting back to candidates who apply to work at my company. I think it completely sucks to apply for a job and then never hear anything back, and my goal is to respond to everyone within about a week. Most folks get some fairly generic version of “we’re moving forward in our interview process with other candidates we think will be a better fit” because normally I’m declining before we’ve actually filled the role.

My pain point comes when I re-post the position, which I normally do every 1-2 weeks while we’re looking, to various job boards. When someone I’ve already declined follows up with me via email to say they saw we reposted and want to reiterate their interest or ask if they can be reconsidered, it just feels so mean to reply and reiterate our lack of interest. Is there a tactful way to respond to these emails?

Yeah, at that point you need to be more direct that it’s a “no, not the right fit for us,” not just a “someone else is a stronger fit.” In this context, I usually say something like: “Thanks so much for getting back in touch. I don’t think this role is quite the right fit, but wish you the best of luck in your search.”

3. Managing an employee who can’t multi-task

I have an employee who I’ve been struggling with. He is in a technical role, and he is very smart and good at tasks related to that role — as long as it is one task. He is simply incapable of doing anything else but that one task until completion. Even if he has multiple tasks that are very simple, he just cannot do multiple things at once. If I ask him to send out an email giving a status on the XYZ project, he will not stop doing task ABC to send an email. I’ll ask, “How are we coming along with the status email?” and I get “it’s in progress.” If I give a deadline, it’s just flat out ignored and missed.

It’s becoming quite problematic, as he is in a position where a lot of tasks will come at once. I’ve tried to tailor my style to make sure he’s not getting bombarded, but I find that I’m just micromanaging and he’s not showing signs of improvement. Frankly, I sometimes wonder if he’s doing it just to be stubborn. I’m at a point where I’ve exhausted all attempts of coaching and moderating his workload. The next step would be a PIP, which I have no problem doing. This really is an appropriate use of a PIP. However, there are just some timing issues in my organization that I won’t go into, but I don’t want an employee on a PIP at this moment, especially something so silly. This is my last ditch effort – what do you do to get someone to think about more than one thing at once?

Have you given him direct feedback about the issue, pointing out the broader pattern rather than just addressing individual instances? If not, that’s your next step. Clearly articulate to him what you’re observing, why it’s a problem, and what you need to do instead. Use language like, “I need someone in this role who can switch gears as time-sensitive items come up and juggle a few things at once” — so that you’re framing it in terms of what the role requires, not something optional, and so that he’s clear that it’s a serious issue. Too often, managers skip this piece of coaching, but it’s a crucial step.

You might also ask him what he thinks would help — who knows, he might have some useful insight into what’s going on. But if none of that works, then yeah, you’re really looking at a PIP as the next step after that.

4. Manager asks me to clock her out long after she really left

My manager has me and the one other evening shift employee sign her off of the clock an hour/hour and a half after she leaves. The company started making her take one-hour lunch breaks, so in order for her to keep making the same money, she makes us clock her out after she’s already gone. Is it illegal for us to clock her out, and if so, how should we go about reporting this to the company?

Illegal, no. But against company policy, almost certainly, and your company would be pissed to find out this is happening — pissed at her and not too happy with you and your coworker, who are assisting in her fraud (at her direction, granted). I’d discreetly go over her head on this one — to her boss or to your HR department if you have one. You can frame it as, “We’ve been asked to do this and it doesn’t seem like something we should be doing, so I want to check with you.”

5. What does “open until filled” mean?

I am looking for jobs at a college/university, and many positions are “open until filled.” Can I still apply for a position if the deadline has passed, and what are my chances of making it into the applicant pool if I apply beyond the preferred deadline? Any tips or suggestions?

Yes, “open until filled” generally means that you can still apply after the deadline; they’re willing to consider candidates until they’ve made a hiring decision. That said, the bar is usually higher at that stage, since they’ve generally identified finalists who they’re most interested in, and you have to be as good or better as that group to get serious consideration. But if you’re a strong candidate, go for it.

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. My former boss was detained by police for stalking me — what if she’s called as a reference?

My previous employer from 12 years ago has a police record because of her behavior toward me when I quit working for her. She had been cutting corners, not abiding by company policy, just barely getting away with things that ultimately harmed the clients, and it certainly seemed like she was very close to breaking the law (or, in fact, breaking it). So I quit and moved. She tried to contact me to get some assurances that I wouldn’t turn her in, and I refused to talk to her when she called. So she started following me home from my new job and would stand outside my home. It was physically threatening and very disturbing. I called the police. She promised the police that she would leave me alone, but she didn’t. The next time she came to my home, my friend called 911 and a few minutes later the police came swarming. At least a dozen police officers were there. They detained her.

Fast forward 12 years. I have an interview next month for a great job. However, I’m concerned about what will happen when the hiring manager calls my previous bosses. I’ve been working for the same employer for 12 years now, and everything is fine here. But what about when they call her? She is the one who broke the law, not me. I didn’t do anything wrong. But, of course, I expect that she will say something awful about me if the hiring manager calls her.

What should I do? This is really not something I want to mention to the hiring manager. After all, if he has a choice, he’d probably rather hire someone who doesn’t have any issues with separating from their previous bosses (just like he’d probably rather not hire someone who is unlucky). I would be kind of relieved if the hiring manager specifically asked me about it, but I don’t want to introduce the matter into the hiring process (which seems to be going well for me so far). It was just a messy, unpleasant situation. I don’t even think it will come up. But I’m afraid of what will happen if the hiring manager calls my former boss without talking with me about it. Abusive bosses can seem so normal to outsiders.

When you’re at the reference-checking stage, say to the hiring manager: “My former manager from XYZ Company ended up stalking me after I left, so I would prefer you not contact her. I can provide you with the records from the police if you want to verify this.” (They probably won’t take you up on that, but offering it lets them know that you’re not just making this up to avoid a bad reference.) Say this calmly and dryly, which is always the key to not sounding like the crazy one in an obviously crazy situation.

I think this will be fine. And most reference-checkers won’t be that interested in talking to someone from 12 years ago anyway — but it’s worth raising with them to give you peace of mind about it.

2. How can I explain why I’m leaving my job after less than a year?

I’ve only been in my current role since November, but I need to apply for new jobs already, because my position is funded by a grant that ends in September. (We applied for more grants, but we won’t find out if we’re awarded them until mid-June.) Generally speaking, when applying for a new position, I’d say “excited about new opportunities!” and nothing bad about the job I’m leaving – but since I’ve only been in this role for seven months, I’m sure that’ll look like a red flag to an employer, and will probably require a more concrete or candid explanation, right?

Is there a way to explain this situation, and more generally, is there a level of mismanagement where it’s acceptable to mention briefly if asked, and won’t reflect badly on me? For example, we have a major grant app for half a million dollars due in five weeks, and the outgoing ED told the board it would take a hundred hours to write; the board chair asked if it could be done in five. (Because wildly unrealistic expectations, mismanagement, and micromanagement are typical of our board, we’ve had four executive directors in the last 12 months; our current ED put in his two weeks notice last week, and he flat-out told me to apply for other jobs and get out of here too.)

Like another reader whose question you answered recently, I’m at a four-person organization, and I am very much a people person, so I could potentially use that explanation, but it’s not really why I’m leaving. What’s the best way to explain this situation?

The rule about not badmouthing a previous employer doesn’t prohibit you from stating objective facts that the organization itself wouldn’t disagree with. You could simply say (unemotionally and without disdain), “The organization has had four executive directors in the last 12 months, so I’m looking for something more stable.”

3. Repeating words on a resume

People keep telling me not to repeat words on my resumè, specifically at the beginning of sentences. The problem is that I’ve been doing work such as writing, editing, and proofreading, so those words appear on my resume a lot. I agree that repeating words sometimes does not scan well when reading but starting consecutive bullet points with “Wrote” seems to me like the best way to describe what I did. I don’t think writing “acted as writer for …” or “Ensured accuracy and consistency by proofreading…” simply to avoid first word repetition is helpful. It’s verbose and passive.

Eh, it’s fine to start a bunch of bullet points with “wrote.” It would be worse to come up with convoluted ways of saying the same thing, and in trying to do that, you’d probably end up looking like a bad writer.

It’s bad to keep repeating words that aren’t quite so specific — for instance, having a bunch of bullet points that started with “responsible for” would be bad. (Although that would be bad for an additional reason to — “responsible for” is a pretty weak construction on a resume since it’s about what you were asked to do, not what you actually did.) But “wrote”? It’s fine.

4. Is my boss trying to guilt me into staying?

I’m the only employee for a husband and wife at a financial company (I only work part-time since I’m also a student). There used to be another person working with me, but she left about a month ago and was never replaced, thus leaving me to do the work of two people by myself. This setup has been stressing me out lately, and I think it shows, because today my boss gave me a thank-you card from him and his wife, with a $100 check enclosed as well.

I really appreciate their kind gesture, and they are nice people overall, but now I feel even more confused than before. For lack of a better word, it almost feels like a “bribe” to keep me happy, so I don’t go looking for another job. I’ve been wanting to discuss the workload issue with them for a while, but I feel like it’s not my business to ask them to hire another employee to help out.

I feel like I’m being guilted into a sense of obligation to stay, and that they would think I’m ungrateful if I complain about work and/or gave my two weeks notice in the upcoming months. When my coworker left, my boss told her that he took it personally. Do you think I’m right to feel awkward in this situation, or should I only be focused on what’s best for me and my career goals, without any regard for what my bosses might think? Am I right to have this “bribed” feeling, or should I just take it at face value as them thanking me?

Also, on a side note, should I get them a gift in return? I don’t know what the proper etiquette in this case is. I want to show them my appreciation, but at the same time I don’t want to mislead them into thinking that I might be here to stay for the long-run.

It’s not a bribe; it’s a thank-you. (And really, $100 is not likely to convince anyone to stay in a job they’re unhappy with.) And sure, thank-you’s are ultimately a part of retention, in that people who feel unappreciated are more likely to start job-searching — but (a) it in no way obligates you to stay longer than you otherwise would, and (b) you can take this at face value as a thank-you and not worry that by accepting it you’ve forfeited your right to talk about your workload. In fact, you might even use it as a lead-in — “I really appreciated that recognition of what my workload has been lately, and actually I was hoping that we could talk about how to manage it going forward.”

While you’re right that whether to hire another employer is their decision, not yours, they can’t make a good decision in that regard if they’re not clear on how high your workload has become. Moreover, you absolutely have standing to say, “I can do X and Y within these deadlines, but not Z” and “I can do A, B, and C, but I’ll probably need to cut corners on C, and B will be back-burned until I’m through the other priorities.” Or to generally ask for guidance on how to prioritize, while pointing out that you can’t get to all of it.

And no, no need to get them a gift in return. This isn’t a gift exchange; it’s a recognition of and thanks for your work.

5. Do cover letters need to be signed?

Do cover letters need to be signed (e.g., printed out, signed, then scanned as a PDF)?

No. If you’re mailing a cover letter through the postal mail, you sign it. If you’re sending it electronically, there’s no need. (Similarly, there’s no need to use the traditional formatting that you would on a printed letter, such as date, recipient address, etc.).

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. My childhood friend just took a job at my office and is being inappropriate

I’m an entry-level employee in a very casual office. We just hired an intern who I happened to be very close with as a child. I wasn’t her connection to the firm, but I did put in a word for her when I found out she was coincidentally being considered – though we’d lost touch, I still knew her to be smart and hardworking through social media/mutual acquaintances.

Since her internship started, she has “stuck” to me – asking to get lunch twice a week, frequently visiting my desk, etc. This would only be a minor disruption if she didn’t habitually a) talk far too loudly and b) make marginally racist jokes – nothing that would even approach hate speech or harassment, but definitely uncomfortable in an office setting. Selfishly, I’m concerned that my affiliation with her (it’s widespread knowledge that we were childhood friends) will taint my reputation among colleagues and higher ups. But beyond that: I want to raise her inappropriate behavior before a supervisor does, but I don’t know how to because we’re “friends.” What should I do?

Talk to her. You’re both entry-level, but you’ve been there longer than she has, which positions you well to have a “hey, here’s what I’ve figured out about what this office wants from us” conversation, in which you can address modulating her voice. If it makes it easier for you to do, you can even use framing like “I’ve seen other people corrected for this” or “I had to learn this myself when I started” or “I’m realizing we both need to do this differently.” So, for instance: “It stands out here when people are talking loudly to each other, so I’ve realized we both need to use quieter voices when we talk.”

And please shut down the racist jokes, outside work as well as inside work. Shut it down both in the moment (“that’s actually offensive, Jane” or “eeww, I don’t think you realize how that sounds”) and more broadly (“hey, some of those jokes you’re telling me are not appropriate, and they’re going to impact the way you’re seen” and/or “I’m not okay with the way you’re talking about ___”).

You should also feel free to create more distant boundaries with her if you want to, like only getting lunch occasionally rather than weekly, telling her that you can’t chat with her when she stop by your desk, etc. But you’d be doing her (and your office) a big favor if you address the other stuff with her.

2. My reference is upset that I didn’t send her the job description for the position I’m applying for

Recently I found out I was in the final stages of interviewing for a position I’m very excited about. One of my references who I’m closest with alerted me that she had received a call from the hiring manager. I quickly gave my other references a heads-up they would also be receiving calls. (Although I am one of only two candidates being considered for the position, all of my interviews have been on the phone. I did not think my references would be checked until a face to face interview.)

One if my references who I consider a mentor became very upset with me. She told me I needed to send references job descriptions for all positions I apply for. She also was upset I didn’t ask her if I could use her (I did ask a month prior when I became unemployed, but she has memory issues occasionally). Is it normal to send job descriptions to references?

It can be helpful to provide references with the job description for the position they’re going to be contacted about — but certainly not for all jobs you apply for. That would a huge amount of information that will never become relevant to them. But for jobs you’re at the reference stage for, sure, because it positions your reference to be better able to talk about things that are especially tailored to the work you’re being considered for.

But it’s certainly not rude not to do it, and your reference is being weird in getting upset with you for not doing that (and I wonder if the memory issues you mentioned are playing a big role in her behavior here than you realize).

3. My reference is my bitter ex-husband

My last job was working for my now ex-husband for 17 years. He is bitter and hostile. It was an abusive and unhealthy situation for me. He knows that he can have “off the book” conversations with anyone who calls him about me. He will not speak well of me. How do I address this reality without lying on my resume or to a perspective employer? I am also concerned that when I get a job that he might call and cause problems for me. I know that sounds paranoid, but I know how he operates.

All you can do is tell the truth — concisely and unemotionally. “My manager at that company was my now-ex-husband, and the relationship is strained.” And then proactively offer other references for the employer to call — coworkers, clients, vendors, anyone who can speak about your work. (These aren’t ideal choices, but they’re better alternatives than your ex.)

4. Explaining the work successes I had while battling cancer

I went through cancer. My prognosis was never fatal, but it was a demanding experience. In addition to surgery, months of chemo, radiation, and everything that went with all of it (being a bald woman, chemo makes you dumb, etc.), I worked steadily and earned a massive promotion.

I’m really proud of this. Is there anyway to talk about this in future interviews?

You should be proud of it. But no, I wouldn’t bring it up in an interview — bringing up anything health-related during an interview is too likely to make your interviewer uncomfortable, because there are legal restrictions around what they can say in response and it’s been drilled into most interviewers’ heads that they’re not allowed to consider the information.

5. Zappos replaces job postings with something that sounds like it will become a massive time suck for all

I thought you might be interested in this article about Zappos’ new hiring strategy. My initial reaction was revulsion – I’ve applied for about 70 jobs this past year and I’m sure as heck not going to spend weeks sucking up to each company with some “membership” nonsense for a shot at a job. I suppose I could see this model working for sales jobs where being excited about a particular company and its products is a necessary part of the job, but I don’t think I need to be that pumped about each and every company I apply to in order to be an excellent operations coordinator or admin assistant. Anyway, that’s just my initial reaction, and I’d be curious to see your (and your readers’) thoughts!

Yeah, this seems silly. Zappos can do it because they’re a wildly popular employer that tons of people want to work for, but I don’t think this is something that’s going to become widespread.