Ask a Manager

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. How can I tactfully tell my coworker to get to the point?

I have a peer who will often call me or drop by my office to ask me a question about something. Rather than getting right to the point, the coworker will ramble on, interjecting unnecessary commentary, which turns what should be a quick question into a long, annoying, never ending sentence. For example, her question might be, “Do I still need to update the tracker?” What she will say is: “Heeeeeeey, I have a question, I know you covered this, but then John mentioned it might change, and OMG, these managers are driving me nuts, so I’m in the tracker and I’m looking at my stuff, and wow there is a lot in here,and I know your super busy cause we have sooooo much going on and I’m trying to keep up with my updates, but I wasn’t sure if I needed to do that. Soooooooooooo I thought I’ll give you a call, cause your like the expert….”

She will say it without pausing. Her emails tend to be in this format as well. It’s starting to drive me nuts. Is there any way to tactfully tell her to get to the point?

If it’s really just a few extra sentences, you’ve got to just bite the bullet and deal with the few extra sentences.

But if it’s significantly more, you can try interrupting her when she first starts to ramble and saying something like, “Oh, I’m sorry, I just have a minute right now. If it will take longer, it might be better to email or set up a time to talk.” Or, since it sounds like much of her rambling is sort of apologetic about the interruption, you might try saying something like, “Hey, please don’t feel like you need to apologize or explain why you need my help. It’s okay to just jump straight to your question — in fact, it’s actually easier for me if you do!”

But with someone whose style is like this, these tactics might not work. And in that case, you’re pretty much stuck just dealing with this as an annoying habit that’s part of the package with this coworker.

Note: If you were her manager, you could handle this differently, by giving her direct feedback and clearly explaining what you’d like her to do differently. But since she’s a peer, the above is really all you can do.

2. Should I tell my coworker her LinkedIn photo is inappropriate?

A coworker of mine has recently changed her profile photo (for email and other public work-related networking sites) to one that I think might be a bit inappropriate for workplace, but I could be wrong (i.e., too conservative). The reason I even care at all is because she, though not in direct contact with clients, is in HR and specifically responsible for recruiting. I would not want any of our perspective candidates to think of us as unprofessional.

Attached is the photo, which I tried to resize it so that it is too small to recognize the person in the photo, but still enough to see the general pose. Do you think this is indeed inappropriate for work? Should I suggest to her that she should choose a different photo?

In terms of hierarchy, she doesn’t report directly to me, as I manage an engineering team, not HR. We are in two parallel trees, so to speak. Personally, we do hang out casually as a group during lunch. But again, we don’t know each other too well to the point I could just tell her directly.

Whoa. For readers: In the photo, the coworker is in a little black dress with thin straps similar to a tank top, and it’s a full body shot (she’s sitting, and her body is visible down to her calves) and she’s in a kind of seductive pose. It’s an inappropriate photo to be using professionally.

But … you don’t really have the standing to tell her. You’re not her manager or otherwise in a position of authority over her, and you’re not personally close to her. You’re a bystander, basically. I hear you on not being thrilled about how this will come across to job candidates, but this one just isn’t yours to handle. Not everything that should be acted on by someone can be acted on by everyone.

3. Manager has asked us to stop calling each other “Miss ____”

I work in an office of associates ranging in ages 22 to 60. Some of the younger associates address others as Miss Donna, etc. We have had some open conversations as to why they address associates this way; some have said it’s out of respect, others “I was raised this way,” and some even because that’s how the person was introduced to them. No one really thought anything about it; this was normal for our office. Eight months ago a new manager was hired. He’s in his mid 30’s. After a few months, he told one of the girls she could not longer address others as “Miss ___” because it was unprofessional. He asked another girl why she addressed Donna as Miss Donna but didn’t address Mark as Mr or Master. This has confused some of the younger workers as they felt they were being respectful. My question is, is it unprofessional to address others as “Miss ___” in an office setting?

This is 100% a cultural thing. It’s somewhat common in the south and pretty uncommon anywhere else. Your manager might be being a little culturally tone-deaf by asking for it to stop, but it’s ultimately his call to make … and he’s right that using a different form of address for women than men isn’t a great thing in an office.

4. Responding to a candidate who turned down our offer

I am a hiring manager. One of the candidates emailed me the turn down my offer. I would like to answer in a professional way. What would be a professional response to someone who turned down your offer by email?

“Thanks so much for letting me know. We’re disappointed, of course, and if there’s anything we could have done to change your mind, I’d love to know — but either way, we think you’re great and wish you the best of luck in whatever you do next!”

If it’s a candidate who you invested significant amounts of time in and who you really thought highly of, you might want to call instead — but either way, the tone should be disappointed but not guilt-throwing and should be genuinely wishing them well.

5. How can I combat bad morale as a non-manager?

My department has crushingly low morale, partly due to a bad manager, and partly due to us feeding off each other’s negativity. There’s not a great deal I can do about the management, but do you have any suggestions on what I, as a very small cog in the machine, can do to break the cycle of negativity?

Yes! You’re right that you can’t solve the big issues of bad management, but you do have (some) control over the feeding-off-each-other’s-negativity piece of this. In a situation like this, resolving to stop complaining can actually be huge. There’s something about regular complaining that magnifies whatever you’re complaining about and makes most people even more unhappy (and can eventually cause you to display other problematic behavior on the job too). This doesn’t mean that you have to turn a blind eye to serious management problems; you can and should continue to calmly process what you’re seeing so that you can make good decisions for yourself — but if you resolve to stop complaining or otherwise feeding the negativity, there’s a good chance it’ll improve your quality of life there (and other people’s too).

Read an update to this letter here.

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Is it okay to just order coffee at a lunch interview?

So at a certain stage of your interview for a job, you are being asked to meet the interviewer for lunch at a certain place. You meet, the interviewer orders lunch, and you order just a coffee. Is this ok (or should you be ordering lunch)? Is it ok to offer to pay for coffee/lunch at the end?

You should order lunch too. The interviewer is extending you hospitality by inviting you to a lunch meeting, and ordering just coffee is socially a little tone-deaf. It’s assumed that the interviewer will pay; she’s hosting the meeting, and it’s a business expense for her.

2. How can I stop coworkers from badmouthing my boss to me?

I have been hired at local university and have found myself in an unpleasant situation. I am a secretary for one of the department heads. A woman in my building (not in my department, but she supplies a service to us) trashes my department head. She wants to talk about her and have me go along. I have been there only a month. The first week I was there, I had four people come to me and trash her and tell me these horrible stories. I have not been the receiptant or witnessed anything that they are referring to. I have found that one behavior they talked about was something the prior secretary had offered to do and then the department head took advantage and was inconsiderate. I am getting the impression that some things were asked by the department head, she agreed, and then resented agreeing to it and felt stuck. She agreed, suffered some sour grapes, and complained to everyone vs. standing up for herself and confronting the issue. I am of the view that you stand your ground when asked to do unreasonable things past your job description; just be polite about it.

I have started telling people that I like my department head and I get strange looks. But this person wants to come into my office and trash my supervisor and I am terrified that my boss will hear her running her mouth. I get rid of her as soon as possible. Please give me a quick statement that I can parrot back that can end this. I want to keep a good relationship with the woman but am at a loss. I want the freedom to make my own opinion without so much input from others.

“I’ve enjoyed working for Jane so far.”

If that doesn’t work, then move to: “I’d rather not discuss her like this. Thank you.”

3. New manager is constantly texting and emailing during meetings

Within management of the medium-sized company where I work, we have a new manager in her very early 30s. During meetings (intimate meetings of 4 to 5 people) when others are speaking, the new manager will pick up her mobile phone and start checking email, texts, etc. Please note that we are not in the medical field where she could be responding to a heart attack or the birth of a baby–there’s no emergency. When I have broached the subject and shared my disapproval of this practice with others on the management team who are higher in the organizational structure, I’ve been told that her actions are related to her age and “that’s how they are.” I think at any age it’s rude, counter-productive and no different than simply talking over someone and starting a separate conversation during a meeting. Is my attitude outdated? I’m not that much older than the new manager and I’m great with technology–just not at the expense of the objective of the meeting or the respect of the time of others. What’s your opinion?

Yes, it’s rude — although it’s also the culture in some offices, so it’s possible that she’s coming from somewhere where this was well within cultural norms. Someone who’s peer level with her or above her would ideally say something about it — either in the moment (where “Oh, do you need to step outside to deal with a message?” can be pretty effective) or as feedback outside of it (“I’ve noticed you’re often on your phone during meetings — we generally try not to do that here unless it’s an emergency” — although that’s something that ideally would be delivered by her manager).

The excuse that “that’s just how people in their 30s are” is ridiculous; that is not just how people in their 30s are. Plenty of people under 40 don’t do this, and plenty are able to pick up on cultural norms. But ultimately, if people with authority over her don’t care, that’s their call.

4. How many in-person interviews should an employer do for one job?

I recently went through an interview process for several different jobs. I received two offers and accepted the position that was clearly a better fit. My question has to do with the job I didn’t accept.

My interviewer (who is a professor) was very clear about her process. She had phone interviews with several candidates and the top two were flown out for a site visit and interview. I was her second choice candidate, and when the first choice candidate declined, I was offered the position. Since I also declined, the professor has no one for the position and has to start over. She also now has a time issue and needs a candidate who can start ASAP. Someday I hope to be in her shoes and this makes me wonder… how many candidates do I do site interviews with? She probably had to pay $1000+ for my travel expenses — this can really add up as you start to add additional candidates. What is your experience with this?

How many candidates you interview in-person depends on the position, but for a typical position I’d say you should aim to do 3-5 in-person interviews. For roles that are more senior or otherwise harder to fill, that number will probably go up.

However, when it’s a role where you’re paying to fly candidates in from out-of-town, it’s not crazy to decide just to fly in your top two finalists — but I’d meanwhile hold off on rejecting anyone else who might be competitive, in case those two don’t work out. Then you’d still be able to go back to them if you need to. And given the travel expense, you’d want to do as much probing as you can ahead of time about what your finalists are looking for in an offer — i.e., talk about salary and other potential deal-breakers ahead of time, so that you’re setting yourself and them up for a successful offer as much as possible.

5. I was asked to turn over my phone before taking a post-interview skills test

Can you tell me if it’s legal for a company that interviewed me to ask for my mobile phone without prior warning? They had just put me in a room alone to do a 45-minute skills test and asked me to leave my phone outside the room. Fair enough they didn’t want me googling answers, but they didn’t tell me in the paperwork beforehand that they’d want the phone. I was then left to calculate percentages on things on a budget too without being given a calculator, so I spent 25 minutes on one question using long multiplication and division, which I hadn’t used for 20 years! None of this seemed quite right!

Yes, that’s perfectly legal. If they want to test your ability to do math without a calculator, it’s not crazy that they don’t want you to have your phone with you.

Whether wanting you to be able to do math without a calculator is a reasonable thing would depend on the nature of the job — but either way, it’s not illegal for them to request that you not take your phone into the testing room.