Ask a Manager

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. My manager wants to groom me for more responsibility, but I don’t want to move up

I like my current manager, who I have worked with for one year now, but she tends to “mother” me, for lack of a better word. I can’t blame her for this too much as I am the same age as her daughter (26). She is great at providing feedback and I know she believes in my capabilities and is impressed with me, which is great! However, I feel like she sees me doing greater things than what I see myself doing. I don’t like to have too much responsibility and I frankly never really envision myself being in her shoes (as in, managing a marketing program with a team of direct reports).

I am quite content to be a team member. I don’t want to be as busy as she is or to be that stressed all the time! I am very happy with my salary and am happy with “moving up” through merit raises, horizontal moves, and tenure rather than vertical moves. She often pressures me to take leadership classes, even those that are only for managers, because it will be “so good for my future,” and she often subtly pressures me to travel more and go to lots of conferences despite the fact that she knows I hate to travel (I have a fear of flying and a disabled spouse at home). I sometimes get the feeling that she is living vicariously through me or like she is projecting her own ambitions (or her regrets) onto me. Where is the line?

It’s great that she’s taking an interest in your professional development, but why not talk to her candidly about where you do and don’t want your career to go? Rightly or wrongly, people do tend to assume that everyone wants to take on more responsibility or eventually manage a staff, so if you don’t, it can be helpful to be explicit with your manager about that.

Of course, when you do this, framing it as “I want to focus on being awesome at what I do currently” is better than “I hate responsibility,” because the latter can come back to bite you in unforeseen ways. It’s also important to make sure that the stuff she’s pressuring you to do is really just “if you want to advance in the future” stuff. It’s possible that it’s actually “if you want to do well in your current role” stuff, and if that’s the case, that’s important for you to know. So talk to about this whole topic and see where that takes you.

2. My employee is interrupting me and overstepping his role

I was recently promoted to supervisor of my department over another person who very much wanted the position. We’ve been working together well for the most part but there are occasions where he oversteps his role and I am finding it difficult to handle. For example, I called a meeting with he and two other of my employees (whom this person is senior to). During the meeting he spoke over me several times and at the end I said that I would send out meeting notes and follow up with other teams on Monday. I checked my email later that evening to find out that he had taken it upon himself to send out meeting notes and assign himself all of the action items we’d discussed, including ones I had asked others to handle and one that I took on.

Being a new manager, I am uncertain how to address these instances. It seems that when we are in meetings with our subordinates, he feels the need to assert his dominance. How do I request that he take a step back without being similarly aggressive?

By being clear, direct, and calm and letting him know what you want him to change about his behavior: “Bob, I noticed that in the meeting this afternoon, you spoke over me several times. Please don’t speak over me or your coworkers.” (Or, better, in the moment itself: “Excuse me, I’d like to finish what I’m saying.”)

And about the notes: “As I said in the meeting, I planned to send out the notes and follow up on action items. What happened?” … “I need you to focus on your own work and leave items I’m handling to me.”

3. I’m invited to my boss’s spouse’s birthday party — do I have to send a gift?

I received an invitation to the birthday party of the boss’s spouse. It is being held during a holiday weekend. I already have plans and will be out of town that weekend, so I am able to gracefully turn down the invite without a lot of office politics backlash. (Not to get into too much detail on the office, but it is fair to say the place is highly dysfunctional and turnover is very common. I have read many letters about horrible managers and bosses on your blog, and I can very much relate to them.)

However, while I can get out of attending, the invitation has more than just an RSVP contact. It says that no gifts are needed, but since the boss knows how generous we are, we should instead donate to the spouse’s favorite charity. If I was attending the party, I might feel obligated to provide a token donation, but since I am not even attending, should I or am I obligated to send a donation? And there is the nagging feeling that by not donating or not donating enough, I will get a black mark. I don’t object to charitable donations, although this feels coerced. I just have no ties to this charity and would like to spend my limited free money on other causes I do take part in.

So, am I obligated? Should I make a token donation just to avoid backlash? And should bosses be inviting the entire staff to what is a personal family event?

No, you’re not obligated, and you shouldn’t worry about needing to make a token donation. You’re never obligated to give a gift, and that’s even more true when you’re not even attending. An invitation is not an invoice to submit a gift.

I also wouldn’t worry too much about any backlash. Even if your boss is horrid, it would take a very specific and unusual kind of horrid to look into whether or not you donated to a charity (and while charities will usually send a “a gift was made in your honor” note, it’s pretty unlikely that anyone is going to track those, and there’s also nothing to say that you didn’t make a donation without earmarking it as specifically in the spouse’s honor — so there’s really no way for your boss to know anyway). And no, it makes no sense that your boss to inviting your entire staff to a family member’s party, unless you’re all close to the spouse. That’s bizarre. (And why would the spouse want that?)

4. My manager won’t manage and only cares about people getting along

What does one do when the manager just wants everyone to get along? A few of my officemates are so sensitive that they can’t bear any criticism whatsoever. No constructive criticism, no compliment sandwiches, no cc’d emails, NOTHING. This makes it hard to train them on new tasks, or to retrain them on tasks that they haven’t mastered for whatever reason. If you say anything at all to them, they go running to our manager that you’re being rude. Major mistakes, or tasks left undone that could cause a large problem, cannot be pointed out at all without a “you need to get along” with so-and-so. It’s gotten to the point where nobody bothers to correct anything anymore, because it will only reflect negatively on the person finding the mistake. Even our performance evaluations focused 99% on our ability to be nice to everyone, and only briefly glossed over our actual work.

This has caused our entire department’s work output to suffer immensely. Files are sloppy, items are entered incorrectly, but even mentioning that to our manager will only cause her to ask “why does that matter?” I’m at a total loss, because at some point HER boss (who is very detail oriented) has got to wonder what is going on down here. Any suggestions?

Change jobs or resign yourself to your work life being like this. Your manager sucks in a profound way and isn’t going to change. She doesn’t know what’s important or how to manage or what her job is. And her boss probably suffers from a version of the same. When you’re in that spot, there’s nothing you can do except accept it or move on. I’m sorry.

5. A job candidate stole a cover letter from Ask a Manager

I’ve been a reader for a few years now and while searching for jobs I’ve turned to your articles on cover letters for much needed advice. A long time back I read this article on your site and as you will soon find out, it struck a cord and I never forgot it.

My company was seeking a marketing manager and my boss sent over a great looking application. I read the cover letter and felt like I had read it before, but didn’t think much of it. That is until I got to the line that read “I know what you’re thinking, you can’t afford me…” I immediately knew that was from your site and headed over to find that article. The applicant had copied that cover letter on your site word for word! I shared the link with the hiring manager and needless to say we never contacted the applicant. We were disappointed that for a position that required writing skills somebody would plagiarize their cover letter and not make even the slightest attempt to change it.

This is one of the frustrating effects of sharing great cover letters — people steal them. I’ve also had multiple hiring managers tell me that they’ve received versions of the cover letter here too — and I even received it from an applicant myself once!

Is it too late to write back and call the person out on it? They suck.

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. I accidentally told my boss I’d work for free

The other day, my new boss (who is the nicest, most supportive boss I’ve had in a long time) was asking me how I liked the nature of the work I was doing. In a nervous fit of awkwardness, I (honestly) told him that it doesn’t feel like work and that I felt bad being paid to do it since I liked it so much. What?! Why did I say that?!

In the past, I’ve been overworked, underappreciated, and did so much overtime (voluntarily and involuntarily) that the job so far has been a dream. My managers are kind and allow me to work independently, and when I do I get so wrapped up in it that I don’t take any breaks, because I’ve been conditioned to go the whole day without a chance to sit down and relax. I’m worried because my boss mentioned in the past (I’m working as an independent contractor) that there would be opportunities in the future for my pay to increase with every project successfully completed, and also that they’re planning to grow their company soon and would let me know when I’d be able to move up into a full-time position.

I’m worried that what I said, completely unfiltered, would hurt my chances at being given a raise since I said I would do it for free. It’s true that I enjoy the job immensely, but I need to be paid more. Would my boss take what I said into serious consideration when determining my “worth”/future pay scale? Anything I could say or do to help my case?

You’re over-thinking it. It’s very unlikely that your boss — who you describe as “the nicest, most supportive boss I’ve had in a long time” — thought to himself, “Aha, no raises for this one!” And it’s highly unlikely that he took your statement as a serious statement that you’d to do the work for free. He probably just thought that it’s great that you love what you’re doing, because people who love their jobs tend to be more driven and productive.

Don’t worry about this at all.

2. Is any job better than my current job?

I currently work for a major cultural institution, and It would be my dream place to work. However, I am stuck in a job which I hate. I have poor managers who treat you like garbage until they need a favor, and a horrible office environment. I work extremely hard and work every day, but I feel undervalued, unappreciated, overworked, and bordering on depressed. I work off hours and days – which my wife of one year hates since she works a regular day job. Recently, I was denied a shift transfer, and am stuck working the night shift for an indeterminate amount of time.

For the past year, I’ve been looking for other jobs. I have not been able to get interviews at major companies or other institutions. And the one I work at keeps hiring other vacancies from outside so I cant even transfer departments from within. Recently I was looking on craigslist for jobs.

My question is: Is it better to leave the institution I always wanted to work for, and just take any job – no matter how big or small the company is (since for example many jobs on craigslist doesn’t mention the actual name of the company). I feel like if i wait around I’m just wasting my time, but I’m afraid to leave. And what if I leave for a job which turns out to be far worse. Is this fear justified?

No, it’s not generally better to take just any job you can get. Whatever job you take next is likely to have an impact on what job you can get after that one — job history builds on itself. While it’s not a disaster if you end up in a job that doesn’t help your career progression (and people do that all the time when circumstances make it the best option), it’s not ideal, and it won’t help you get where you want to go.

However, an exception to this is if you’re so miserable that it will be far better for your mental health to just get out ASAP. If you can stick it out while you continue to search, you should. But if you truly can’t do that without compromising your mental well-being or your marriage, then it’s not the worst thing in the world to choose somewhere less destructive to the non-work parts of your life meanwhile.

3. I flubbed an interview answer — should I address it in the next interview?

I had a second interview for a position last week. I completely bombed my answer to one very specific, technical question about the job. Instead of saying “I don’t know the answer but I’m a quick learner and I am really interested in that topic,” I answered off the cuff and made up a very specific answer. I could tell immediately by their expressions that it was the wrong answer.

Fortunately, I have been invited for a third interview next week. Should I take the opportunity to address and correct my earlier answer? Will saying, “I wasn’t satisfied with an answer to that question in my last interview. I’ve researched the topic and would instead do x,y, and z” show that I am diligent and proactive, or would it just remind them of my mistake? I really want this job!

If it was as big of a mistake as it sounds like, there isn’t really a risk here of “reminding” them; they already know about it. So yes, go ahead and correct it. The wording you suggest works really well.

4. Manager wants to clock us in and out

Certain departments in my workplace are allocated only 40 hours per week. One second over sends management into a tizzy because it is OVERTIME. Since being a clock watcher is not in several employees’ nature, our office manager has graciously informed us she will be responsible for clocking us in and out every day so we will not have one moment of OT and have exactly 40 hours each week. Is this legal?

The law doesn’t really care about the details of how you’re clocked in and out; it cares that the time recorded is accurate. If your manager clocks you out but you continue to work beyond that, you need to be paid for that time, no matter what your timecard says. So your manager’s solution here sucks; it doesn’t address the core issue.

However, whether or not watching a clock is in your nature, you actually do need to take your company’s instructions on your hours seriously. They can get into a lot of legal trouble if they let you work unpaid overtime, and it’s not unreasonable for them to want to restrict you to 40 hours a week. They’ve told you clearly that you need to stop at 40 hours; that’s something you need to comply with.

5. Should I talk to my college students about their terrible LinkedIn profiles?

I am an adjunct instructor at a local university, and sometimes current and/or former students connect to me on LinkedIn. I’m often appalled about what I find on their LinkedIn profile — grammatical errors, slang, just poor layout in general. Often I think the young person just doesn’t know how unprofessional their profile is coming across. Is it appropriate for me to approach them about it, especially if they have not specifically asked for my input?

Why not address it in your class one day, to the whole group of them, so that you’re not approaching individual students with unsolicited input about their profiles? You can talk in general terms about some of the stuff you’ve seen and why it matters. That way you’ll have armed them all with guidance, and from there, it’s up to them.

It’s five answers to five questions — in which we break the year-long ban on toilet-related questions with a startling two in one post. Here we go…

1. My manager says I can’t talk to HR without notifying him

Recently I went to HR to ask a question. They, in turn, told our VP, who asked my manager why I had gone to HR with my question. With that, my general manager took the managers into his office and told us that if anyone on our staff wanted to go to HR with anything, he wanted to be notified first. Can he do that? Am I required to tell my boss if I’m going to HR for something? I think it’s my choice to NOT go to him if I feel I can’t speak to him about an issue. The only reason I asked HR my question that day was because he was out of the office, and it was a general question at that.

Legally? Sure. There’s no requirement that you have free and confidential access to HR. Whether your company would approve of him telling you that is a different issue. At a minimum, your company is going to want you to be able to approach HR about harassment and discrimination concerns without having to go through your manager, and they might (depending on the company and on you) also want you to be able to go to HR with more general concerns as well. That said, it’s entirely reasonable for your manager to tell you to talk to him first about some types of things (like a management issue or something else internal to your department). So the blanket ban is wrong-headed, but nuanced instruction on this might not be.

2. Employee is taking long bathroom breaks on top of his normal breaks

I have just a simple question about bathroom breaks. I have an employee who receives his two 10-minute breaks every day, plus an unpaid lunch. Lately he has been using the bathroom for 10-25 minutes AND going on a break. I have been documenting it, and it has been happening 3-4 times a week. His afternoon break is at 2:50 – 3. Recently he spent 2-2:20 that same day in the bathroom. I do not want to tell him he can’t use the bathroom, of course. Can I tell him he had his break and cannot take from 2:50-3, that he already took his break (plus)? There are other issues with this employee, to the point that I probably get 6 hours of work out of him a day and this situation is highly frustrating to me.

Do you really want to be monitoring how much time someone spends in the bathroom? And what if he just took his break but now needs to use the bathroom? He’s supposed to … go at his desk? Drop the bathroom stuff and address the performance issues. If you actively manage him on that stuff, the bathroom issues will be irrelevant.

3. My coworkers make a disgusting mess of the bathrooms

This is a paragraph of the email we just received from a coworker regarding the men’s toilets: “I’m pretty fed up of mentioning to the men in this office how DISGUSTING the gents’ toilets are left on a daily basis. Not only as a respectful member of staff with the decency to make sure I’ve cleaned up after myself who has to use these facilities, but as we have clients coming in and seeing this, it’s getting ridiculous. On numerous occasions (in this office and the last) I have always been the one to politely advise my male colleagues that it is not acceptable to empty the contents of your nose, bowels, bladder or otherwise over the walls/bowls/floor/sink, yet this continues with little regard for others. No-one else seems to take the initiative with this, and I feel I am always forced to clean this up for two reasons – 1) I don’t want the next person to go in thinking it was me, and 2) I would hate for any of our clients to see this mess. The only other person to have reinforced my concerns on this was the sales director – I’m sure he feels equally as put out about this. Most others seem to meet this with some kind of hilarity; but it’s far from a joke.”

Do you have any ideas on how to deal with the guys using the toilets how to stop this disgusting behavior? There is almost this jokey attitude that it’s only work and someone else will clean up. We have banded ideas about, we though about a rota system where the toilets are checked twice a day and if they’re dirty that cubicle will be closed, CCTV to monitor who is using the toilets, and making the disabled toilet a guest toilet instead of subjecting guests to this behavior.

Gross. Your coworkers are gross. How do this even happen? (Please don’t actually answer that; I don’t want to contemplate it longer I have to.)

In any case, I do not know how you teach people basic courtesy and cleanliness like this if they don’t already know it. Are you hiring feces-throwing gorillas? Or toddlers? I think you’re right to set aside one bathroom only for guests, so that at least they’re not subjected to this. Aside from that, I am at a total loss here.

4. Does travel and study abroad experience help on a resume?

I have both travel and study abroad experience. I know that it proves to the hiring manager that one is more sensitive to people of other cultures. I have asked a recruiter at a temp agency before and she did say that it’s a good thing to put on a resume. Do you agree and do you know of any instances where this could be hurtful?

It’ll help with some interviewers and be a neutral with others, but it certainly will never hurt, at least not with any sane person. (One note, because I’m an annoying stickler for precision: It doesn’t prove to a hiring manager that you’re more sensitive to other cultures. It’s a data point showing that you might have gained the benefits of exposure to other cultures, but it’s still up to you to demonstrate that in concrete ways. After all, plenty of horrid boors travel, so the travel alone isn’t evidence.)

5. My father-in-law is pouting after I gave notice at his company

I recently put in my 3-week notice. I have worked at my father-in-law’s company as his direct report and assistant buyer for about a year and a half now. We have always had a pretty good relationship, until about 4-5 months ago. My wife works here too.

I started to notice a very controlling streak in him, and it made me very uncomfortable. I have a business degree and have worked in engineering for several years before coming here, thinking that I could potentially gain more experience at this company utilizing my relationship. Now it seems more like he has hired me because of the control over my family that it grants him. I took a paycut to work here, and we work 60-70 hrs/week and I work at least 6 days a week, sometimes 7.

Basically, I told him that this job was not turning out to be the opportunity that I thought, and he was unwilling to explore how I could be of a different benefit for the company while improving my situation. So I found another job (more money, fewer hours, better benefits) and told him that I have accepted another job and will no longer be working here. I don’t want to wait three more weeks; he is becoming unbearable and pouting like a child. How can I gracefully tell him that I want to move our date up?

Can you really not stick it out for three weeks for the sake of family harmony? Three weeks is really not that long in the scheme of things. However, if he’s truly becoming unbearable, you could certainly say, “Frank, I’d like to stay and work out the notice period we agreed to. But I do need thing to be civil and professional between us during that time. If you feel they can’t be, let’s discuss moving up my last day.”