7 signs that your manager just doesn’t like you

by Alison Green on May 19, 2014

Ever had a coworker you just couldn’t stand? Your dislike probably biased you when it came to judging their work, right? Well, imagine what happens when it’s the boss who dislikes someone.

Your boss’s assessment of you carries significant weight and impacts everything from what projects you’re assigned to what development opportunities you get to whether you ultimately keep your job.

Too often, though, people miss signs that their boss doesn’t think highly of them – and then are frustrated when they can’t get high-profile assignments or aren’t recognized for their work.

Here are seven revealing signs that your boss just isn’t that into you – and what you should do in response.

Your boss doesn’t trust you to get your work done. She’s checking up on your work before it’s due, dictating details that she should trust you to figure out, and generally displaying a lack of confidence that you’ll do your job well. 

What to do about it: First, make sure that your boss doesn’t treat everyone else this way too. While that would still be a problem (because micromanagement is unpleasant to experience and will generally make you less productive), that would indicate it’s not about you at all, but rather rooted in poor management skills from your boss.

But if the behavior seems isolated to her relationship with you, ask yourself whether you’ve done anything to warrant the lack of confidence. Have you been dropping balls or making significant errors? If so, then realize that a good manager should get more closely involved—because ultimately her job is to ensure that the work is done well and you’ve given her reason not to take that on faith. But if not, then it’s time to ask her if there’sanything you’re doing that makes her feel she can’t trust you and how you can work with more autonomy. Try suggesting other ways to keep her in the loop, such as weekly reports or weekly meetings, so that she doesn’t feel she needs to check in as much. And if she’sresistant to that, ask if she’d be willing to experiment with giving you more autonomy on one specific project to see how it goes.

You imply you’re looking at other jobs and your boss doesn’t seem to care. Smart bosses will go to great lengths to keep an employee they really value – but they won’t object when an employee they don’t much care for considers leaving.

What to do about it: If your boss doesn’t value you much, you’re less likely to get the kinds of mentoring, raises, professional development opportunities, and high-profile or interesting projects that a boss who was firmly in your corner might offer. It can also make you more likely to end up at the top of the list if your company has layoffs. However it manifests, working for a boss who doesn’t care if you stay or go isn’t great for your career, so this is something that you should factor into your thinking as you consider your timeline for your next career move.

Your boss gives positive feedback to your coworkers, but not to you. Some bosses are just bad at giving positive feedback, but if she praises others and leaves you unrecognized, that’s a sign that it reflects something about her assessment of you. 

What to do about it: Try asking for feedback directly, saying something like, “I’d love to hear where you think things are going well and where I could focus on doing better.” Or, if that feels too daunting, try a smaller version; for instance, ask to debrief a recent project, share your assessment of what went well and what could have gone better, and ask for your manager’s thoughts. Then, listen to what she says. Her response will give you more insight on how she sees you – which is helpful information for you to have, whether or not you agree with her assessment.

You ask for a raise and get turned down without much explanation. Turning down your raise request isn’t the sign of a problem on its own, since there can be reasons for that that have nothing to do with you, like budget constraints. But if your manager values you, she’ll explain why she can’t grant the raise, and often explain when you can expect an increase in the future or how to earn one.

What to do about it: Ask something like, “What would it take for me to earn a raise in the future?” A manager who’s invested in retaining you and who believes in your value should be willing to talk with you about specifically what you’d need to do to hear “yes” next time. If that doesn’t happen, then as with some other flags on this list, this is a data point for you to factor into your overall thinking about your tenure at this job.

You have trouble getting your manager’s attention. She regularly cancels your meetings, forgets to return your calls and emails, and generally doesn’t seem to have you anywhere on her priority list.

What to do about it: Does she treat everyone like this or primarily you? If the former, she’s probably simply flighty. But if you’re a particularly low priority, talk to her. Tell her that getting a chance to talk every each week is important to you, and ask if there’s a way to have the meetings happen more reliably. Would it help to change the day they’re scheduled for? Or would she be more able to make them happen if you both committed to a particular day without nailing down a specific time period, so that she has a larger window of time to make them happen? Or something else?

You can also be more assertive about following up when the meeting doesn’t happen. The day after a missed meeting, go back to her: “Jane, we didn’t get a chance to meet yesterday. Do you have a few minute to talk this morning?” 

You’re left out of important meetings. When your manager meets with your colleagues to discuss key updates or projects that you’re a part of, you’re not there. You might even hear after the fact about decisions that were made that you should have had input on.

What to do about it: Approach your manager directly to address the problem. But don’t be accusatory; you’ll get better results if you work from the assumption that it was an oversight to be corrected, rather than an intentional exclusion. For example, you could say, “I would have liked to have been included in the meeting this morning on the Smith account, since I’m working closely with them. I noticed I haven’t been included in several account meetings recently. What can I do to ensure that I’m part of those discussions in the future?” 

Your manager finds fault with everything you do. Everyone hears criticism sometimes. But if your manager regularly and harshly takes issue with your work and nothing you do seems to please her, that’s a big red flag for the relationship.

What to do about it: In the short-term, you can try a direct conversation to try to understand what’s going on. Say something like this: “I want to have a strong working relationship with you, and I hoped you could give me some feedback. I have the sense that you might not be happy with my work, and I wonder if we can talk about where I’m going wrong.” This might bring to the surface issues that you can work on changing. But in the long-term, if your boss truly dislikes you or your work, you’re probably better off going somewhere where you’re valued.

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should you go to graduate school?

by Alison Green on May 19, 2014

Thinking about going to graduate school?

Before you get too far in your planning, make sure that grad school makes sense for you and your specific career aspirations – and that your investment of time and money will pay off in the ways you hope. Too many new college graduates turn to grad school because they’re not quite sure what else to do or because the tough job market makes them think any additional credentials will be helpful. Neither of these are sufficient reasons for grad school, and they can in fact make a job search more difficult rather than easier.

First, let’s talk about when grad school is a good idea. Grad school makes sense when you’re going into a field that requires or significantly rewards a graduate degree, and when the program that you would enroll in has a high track record of graduates getting jobs in their field.

But you shouldn’t go if you don’t know what you plan to do with the graduate degree afterward. And you certainly shouldn’t go to grad school out of a vague idea that it will make you more marketable. Not only will it often not make you more marketable, it can actually hamstring your efforts to pursue the career you want.

Sound counterintuitive? The problem is that if you go to grad school even though you don’t plan to go into a field that requires or significantly rewards advanced degrees, the following is highly likely to happen:

  • Employers will think you don’t really want the job you’re applying for, since it’s not what you went to school for. They’ll assume that you’ll be dissatisfied and leave as soon as something in the field you studied comes along. That concern can end up being a reason they don’t hire you for the same job you might have been a strong candidate for before you got your graduate degree.
  • While you’re in school, you won’t receive full-time work experience. That means that when you finish your program, your peers who have been working full-time while you were in school will be more seasoned and thus more competitively positioned than you.
  • You’ll often rack up significant student loan debt. That debt will then limit your job prospects by requiring you to find a higher-paying job than you might otherwise need, in order to pay back those loans – and without actually increasing your earning power. When the job market is already tight, having a whole range of jobs that you’d otherwise be interested in end up off-limits to you because they won’t pay enough to pay off your students loans is a tough spot to be in.

So if you’ve been thinking about grad school, what does all this mean for you? Well, the next step should be to find out whether the career path you want to follow truly requires or rewards graduate degrees. If you’re not sure, start talking to people who do the type of work you want to do. Find out from them how useful a graduate degree will be. You might hear that it won’t have the payoff you’re looking for or that work experience will be just as or more valuable. Or you might hear that the graduate degree will be very helpful, in which case you should move to the next set of questions: Are there certain programs or schools that will help you the most? Are there some programs or schools that won’t help you much at all? If you enroll in a lower-ranked program, will it still provide the benefits you’re looking for? These are the questions you want to get solid answers to before you start making decisions.

And if you don’t know what you want to do with the graduate degree once you have it, that’s a sign to drop the grad school plans for now. There are much less expensive and time-consuming ways to figure out what you want to do for a living: internships, talking to people in your network and just trying out jobs that sound interesting. Grad school shouldn’t be one long and expensive career counseling session. Instead, get out and start working. If you eventually realize you want to pursue a career path that requires more schooling, you can get it then.

I originally published this at U.S. News & World Report.

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should we have job candidates do group activities with each other?

by Alison Green on May 19, 2014

A reader writes:

The company I work for is very keen on having a multi-stage hiring process, both for new staff and when applying for internal vacancies. This is all fairly standard I think – things like psychometric tests, written projects, and typical face-to-face “tell me about a time when…” type interviews. Something they’ve recently introduced on top of this is the idea of the group project, which tends to come in before the interview but after everything else (although most recently it was the final part of the process, with candidates having been eliminated after each of the other steps).

So they assemble a group (about 6-8) of the candidates who’ve progressed to this point in a room and hand them a task. Sometimes this is related to our particular business, but often they are imaginary scenarios. (For instance: “There’s been a nuclear apocalypse. There are 12 people alive in a bunker but there’s only enough provisions to keep 6 of them alive. Here is a list of the people you have and their backgrounds/abilities. Decide as a group who you’ll save and who you’ll cast out into the nuclear wasteland.” Or “You’ve formed a new pop group. Decide on your name, style, marketing technique and produce a plan for your next video.” Things like that) You discuss it as a group for about half an hour (all the while there are several management/HR people sitting in a corner in silence, each of whom has a person in the group that they’re watching/making notes on), then you make a 5-minute presentation showing your thinking and the conclusion you’ve come to.

It’s a strange process to experience, especially because often in these groups there are a lot of big personalities who are all desperate to get their voices heard and to feel that they’re shining more than everyone else, and that’s something that’s made worse by the fact it’s part of a recruitment process rather than just part of the day-to-day job (people who seem generally quite laid back suddenly become very outspoken). I’ve had to do this a couple of times and have always done quite well, but I’m unsure of what value there is in this or what sort of game-plan I should have to stand out in these activities. Previously I’ve just gone for being a normal, pleasant human being and not being overbearing, but I can’t believe there’s not more to it than that (and I’d have hoped that by that point in the hiring process those kind of traits would already be pretty obvious).

Is this something you’ve ever used as a selection technique? Can you shed any light on what people in recruitment or management are looking for when they do these kinds of things? Or on what a candidate would need to do to be considered successful at this sort of activity?

Hell, no, I don’t do this. Nor should your employer. It’s an interview strategy of people who don’t know how to interview well, and who aren’t clear on the specific qualities or skills they need to be assessing.

If anyone ever wants you to interview with a group of other job candidates, run screaming.

Seriously.

It’s demeaning, most people find it awkward, and it’s not useful in gathering information about what people will be like on the job. (By the way, I’d throw out those psychometric tests your employer is using too.)

The way you hire good people is this:

– You have rigorous in-depth interviews where you probe into how they think, how they’ve operated in the past, and what they’ve achieved.
– You use exercises and simulations to see them doing the work you’d be hiring them for (or as close to it as you can realistically get).
– You talk to people they’ve worked with in the past, and you thoroughly probe into those experiences.

You do not create artificial situations where they’re forced to work with other job candidates, or condescend to them with “you’ve formed a new pop group” scenarios, or otherwise treat them like performing monkeys.

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our manager is never at work, my coworker told a board member I’m upset at work, and more

by Alison Green on May 19, 2014

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Our manager is never at work

A few years ago, a new assistant director position was added within my department to provide our staff with the direct, day-to-day supervision we had been lacking, due to the director’s many other responsibilities outside of our department. At first, it was a huge improvement – we had someone who was available to address concerns and issues, represent us at company meetings, etc. Over the last nine months, however, this manager has become increasingly absent. We are all salaried, so there is some flexibility in our schedules and time off, but working from home is not an option. She rarely works a full day in the office, typically coming in late and/or leaving early, or is out for a full day. I truly cannot remember a recent week when she has worked eight hours per day for five days.

Not only is this problematic for our department, in that we can’t find time to meet with her about issues that arise, but it is also incredibly draining on our morale. We’ve been receiving increasing pressure to meet revenue goals, etc., with some emails from our boss even mentioning that staff should be here for their scheduled hours and not be leaving 10 minutes early! I realize her absences could be the result of a serious personal matter she is attending to and doesn’t want to (or need to) share, but it seems like it would be wise for her to at least generally address her absenteeism with us, rather than letting the gossip and resentment fly. Her absence goes unnoticed by her supervisor (the director), due to the previously mentioned responsibilities and lack of his physical presence in our department. Is there any way to constructively address this without overstepping boundaries?

I’d start asking her directly for her time for specific things. For instance:

  • “Could I get an hour on your calendar this week to talk about ___?”
  • “We’d love to debrief how ___ went. Could you meet with the three of us who worked on it on Tuesday afternoon to discuss it?”
  • “I’m hoping for your feedback on ___ before I need to submit final numbers on Thursday morning.”
  • … and so forth.

While her time in the office isn’t your business, her getting you what you need to do your jobs IS your business. If you ask her directly for what you need in that regard and aren’t getting it, at that point it’s reasonable to talk to the department director about it (and you’ll be able to provide more concrete specifics than just “she’s not here”).

Alternately, if you want, you could go straight to the director now and say something like, “Is something going on with Jane? She’s been increasingly not around and I wasn’t sure if something was going on we should know about, or if we can expect her back more regularly soon.”

2. My coworker led a board member to think I’m upset at work

I am in a constituent relations role in a large nonprofit. A significant part of my job involves working with volunteers and donors. Recently, I was approached at an event by someone on one of our leadership boards; he “wanted to help me” because he heard I wasn’t receiving support from my colleagues. He mentioned a specific department that, allegedly, was pushing back on my initiatives. I was perplexed by his comments, as I have good relationships with my colleagues. He wouldn’t share the source of these comments, just “the grapevine.” He kept pushing for me to confide in him and to let him help me navigate all my issues. I was put on the spot and had no idea what he was talking about.

It turns out that this volunteer/donor had met up with a good friend of mine just a couple days earlier in a group setting. The friend (who works in our organization, but in more of a back-end role) offered her own “State of the Organization” update over a boozy dinner. Among her comments, she shared that I do such a great job, but that I am frustrated and that she wishes my colleagues and boss were more supportive of my work. Apparently she based this on an isolated anecdote I shared with her months ago, along with the occasional text message from me (“Is it Friday happy hour yet? What a long week!”) which I had considered to be pretty innocuous. The fact that she shared this with a volunteer/donor was absurd and unprofessional, but not malicious.

Obviously the big lesson for me is to be more mindful of how I choose to express myself, especially with this friend/colleague. However, my larger concern is with the volunteer/donor, who now believes that I’m unsupported, frustrated, and in need of assistance. Part of me thinks that if I bring this subject up with him again — to clarify things — it would just lend credence to nonexistent issues. The other part of me thinks that I need to nip this in the bud immediately so that these unfounded assertions do not spread. What do you think?

Yeah, I’d say something since he asked you about it directly. I’d say something like this: “I thought more about what you mentioned to me at the X event, and I wanted to clear it up: It sounds like like Jane misunderstood the situation and got some of the facts wrong — not surprising when it’s being related secondhand! I want to assure you that I’m actually very happy with (fill in whatever he the issues are), and not at all feeling unsupported! I really appreciate you checking in, and it’s great to know that I can approach you if there ever were problems like that. And I”m looking forward to seeing you next month at ___.” Or something like that.

And then talk to your coworker and tell her not to put you in that position again.

3. Writing compelling cover letters when you’re inexperienced and writing to a recruiter

I’ve had a lot of difficulties writing cover letters for positions advertised by recruiters due to a couple of reasons. My first problem is that I usually write about my interest in X or Y company and/or what I can offer them etc. in my opening paragraph, and my second is that I am a relatively recent graduate and have never held a position relating to my field. Finding work experience in the field has been near impossible for me as my degree was in a moderately specialised field of science, and the few work experience offers are only for students, presumably for insurance or worker’s comp related reasons.

Unfortunately, this has added up into my stated problem. The combination of addressing my cover letter to a recruiter who is not a part of the company whose position I am applying for, not being able to relate my passion for my field of study to a company’s goals or ideals, and not having a paragraph dedicated to accomplishments specifically related to this field of work has left me in a bit of a bind and has left me sending far more generic cover letters than I would prefer to. How would you address this issue?

Why would you be great at the job? There’s something that makes you feel you’d be good at it. That’s what your letter needs to convey.

Pretend you’re writing an email to a friend about why this job seems like a great match for you and why you’d be awesome at it. That’s the basis for your cover letter right there.

The fact that the recruiter doesn’t work for the company where the position is based doesn’t matter; forget that’s even the case and write the way you would if you were writing straight to the manager the role reports to.

4. Hyperlinks in a resume

Is it helpful to hiring managers to include hyperlinks to various publications or pieces of writing you have been involved in or is this considered annoying or gimmicky? For example, if I had worked on the development of a major report, would it be weird to hyperlink to the report? My thoughts that it would be helpful, if a hiring manager had the option to click through and see the report, but a friend thinks that they would get annoyed at being expected to do that and see it as a turn-off, particularly if there were references to multiple publications. I have a friend who works in communications and always does this to reference the website campaigns he has been involved in. Do you have an opinion on this?

It’s fine to do that. Your friend is wrong in thinking hiring managers would be annoyed at being expected to do that, because the mere presence of a link doesn’t carry an obligation to click on it. It’s an option if they want it; if they don’t, it’s easily ignored.

5. Listing community college awards when you also graduated from a four-year school

I have a question on how to interpret someone’s resume. In sum: They collapsed their community college degree information into their bachelors degree, reporting awards earned at each institution under just the one with no mention that there were multiple institutions involved.

The applicant turned in just a resume (a formal electronic application is not part of the process). This person reported just a 4-year university on the resume. However, under that bachelors degree entry, there were several awards and honors listed. I recognized that one of the honor societies listed was one strictly for community colleges (I’m a community college graduate as well). During the interview, I asked the applicant about this and they reported that they had graduated from a community college and had collapsed their honors, etc. from that degree under their 4-year degree. Note that there was no mention of the GPA from that community college or the community college at all, just a single GPA listed next to a single 4-year degree institution.

I found this very disingenuous. I have always listed my 4-year and community college degrees as separate entries, mainly because I had different GPAs and honors belonging to each. I asked a few coworkers about it and they thought it was completely fine to only list the 4-year degree and had no problem with all the person’s awards/honors/etc listed under that final degree. I would not have had a problem with listing just the final degree if only the awards/honors from that institution were listed. From my perspective, you have to pick one of the other: list them all with the respective awards, etc., or list the highest earned degree and only the items earned at that degree. What is your take?

Yes, you have to pick one or the other. It’s totally fine to list just the institution you received the four-year degree from. But if you do that, you forego the ability to list honors and awards from the community college, because if you list them without the school they came from, you’re implying that they’re from the other school, and that’s disingenuous.

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my coworker called my presentation “cute,” employee refuses to stop using company address for personal mail, and more

by Alison Green on May 17, 2014

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. My coworker called my presentation “cute”

I’m junior faculty at a university. I don’t have tenure yet, I’m relatively young for a professor (in my 30s), and a woman (these may be relevant). Last Monday, I gave a presentation to our faculty Senate regarding proposed changes to one of our degree programs. I got great feedback on the presentation from my coworkers, boss, and the chair of the Senate.

This Monday, in our department’s faculty meeting, a senior faculty member (also female, with tenure, and older than I am–may be relevant) complimented me on my work by referring to my Senate presentation as “cute.” My response: “I’m sorry, what did you say?” Her reply: “Oh, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said cute. It was adorable.” No one else in the room (including my boss who was running the meeting) said anything.

Later in the same meeting, also in front of the entire department, she noted that I was “mad at her.” I responded: “I generally don’t use the words cute or adorable to describe the work of my colleagues.” Her response: “It was a COMPLIMENT… (big sigh)… I guess I sort of apologize.”

This coworker has a history of saying inappropriate things to a variety of coworkers and students (sexist, racist, rude). In general, people act like it didn’t happen, and the boss says nothing. Next year, I will have a little more power (assuming I get tenure), and would love strategies to deal with this–but if you think I should let it go, I can be persuaded. Any suggestions?

Your coworker is a jerk, and it sounds like everyone is well aware of that. She was absolutely a jerk in this instance, but I don’t know that there’s much to gain by trying to hash it out with her. She’s a known jerk who said a jerky thing.

That said, if she makes another of these comments to you, I’d be prepared to stand up for yourself in the moment — which could be as simple as just saying “Wow.” (Hat tip to Carolyn Hax for that.) Or you can try the genuine confusion technique — as in, “I’m sorry, I don’t understand what you mean — adorable?” (said in a genuinely baffled tone). But really, I don’t think there’s a lot to gain by getting into it with a known boor.

2. Employee refuses to stop using company address as his personal address

We have an employee who insists on using our company address as his personal address. It’s not just that he has deliveries sent here, his address on record with us is the company address. Obviously this isn’t ideal for a number of reasons (confidentiality, etc.) and despite many attempts to get him to change his address to his actual address, he won’t respond to me (which is another irritating issue). I anticipate he’s doing this for some sort of tax break. I feel that I need to be armed with more of a legal reason that he change his address to something other than the company’s. Do you have any tax knowledge that I can use to light a fire? Is there any legal implications for him doing this? I saw your October 2012 post about a similar topic, but it didn’t quite answer this question.

I don’t know about legal implications, but as his boss you can simply order him to stop if you want to and impose consequences if he doesn’t. You don’t need the law for that.

And someone who refuses to talk to you isn’t someone who I’d be willing to bend normal rules for, as you might if he were great — and that’s also the sign of someone who has Serious Issues, likely in more areas than this one. Find out what’s up with this guy, because it’s more than this.

3. An advisory board member shared materials without permission

I am new to my role at a nonprofit organization – just 6 months in – and recently hosted my first Advisory Board meeting. The Advisory Board is comprised of a lot of “heavy-hitters” in the philanthropic landscape (Presidents/CEOs/EDs of large foundations) in our community, all of whom have a long history of working with the program I oversee.

I spent a lot of time working on a PowerPoint deck that featured a market analysis and program evaluation, as well as a potential growth strategy for this meeting. I think I must have done a good job, because one of the Advisory Board members forwarded the PowerPoint I made to a woman at another organization. (The woman at the other organization emailed me, asking to discuss my market analysis; obviously, I was surprised.)

My question is: can this Advisory Board member do that? I recognize that she is an important person in our network, and I should try to not upset her, but I can’t help but feel like my work belongs to our program, our organization. Am I over-thinking this?

She can do that unless your organization tells her not to. If your organization doesn’t want materials like this shared, it needs to make that clear to your Advisory Board members. If it already does and this was a violation of those rules, then you should talk to your manager about whether the organization wants to say something. (It may or may not.)

If you’re the head of the organization — which you might be since you were the one hosting the meeting — then you should decide what you want your policy to be on this sort of thing going forward, and then communicate that (politely) to Advisory Board members so everyone is on the same page about it.

4. The power of a gracious reply to rejection

I was on a second-round interview for a position that I had been told informally would be mine after I completed an internship with the company. I prepared for my interview carefully and tried as best I could to reflect well on my former supervisor, who had been toting me to the hiring committee for the past few weeks.

I got an email back letting me know I did not move on to the third round. I was surprised I didn’t move on, but realizing that many competitive candidates were under consideration, I just sent an appreciative email back to mention how much I enjoyed working with the company and how much I had learned during my time there.

Then just today I got an email inviting me back for a third round interview “upon further consideration.” During the time these two emails were sent, I accepted another offer, but it just goes to show that one should always, always, always build and maintain relationships across the industry and across companies, even when they can’t give good news!

I totally agree — and too often people don’t do this. I sent someone a nice, personalized rejection email earlier this week and within five seconds received back a brusque email that just said: “Ok.” She’s under no obligation to respond at all, but that particular response made her seem not especially gracious, and for a position that involved good social skills. It’s something I’d think about if I were considering her a job again. Conversely, especially gracious responses make candidates stand out in a good way and get remembered too.

5. My best reference is leaving the country for four weeks

I’m in the final stage of what has been a 5-month-long interview process for a great job that I am very excited about. We are working on scheduling the final interview stage, and my past experience with this group makes me think that scheduling probably will not happen quickly.

My immediate past supervisor is excited to provide an excellent reference for me, but she is going out of the country and unreachable for a month in two weeks. I am pretty sure she will be gone by the time the future manager gets around to checking references. My old supervisor is going to write a reference letter, but I read in your archives last night that letters aren’t as effective as the opportunity to have the conversation. She is also going to reach out to our old director to serve as a backup reference – he is aware of my work from a high level but not at the detailed level of my past supervisor.

At this juncture, it feels weird to reach out to the hiring manger and let her know that my main reference will only be available for the next couple of weeks. Is there anything I can or should do to be proactive here? I would hate for this to be the difference between me and another good candidate.

Sure, reach out to her. That’s not weird. I’d send a quick email saying something like, “I realize you might not be thinking about references yet, but I wanted to let you know that my most recent manager, who’s probably the best equipped of my references to speak to my recent work, is leaving the country on DATE and will be unreachable for four weeks. I wanted to alert you in case it’s useful for you to know before she leaves.”

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refusing more work unless you get a raise or promotion

by Alison Green on May 16, 2014

This was originally published on November 20, 2012.

A reader writes:

Can and how do I professionally decline additional duties/ responsibilities unless I receive a pay raise or promotion?

Background: I’ve been in the same position for almost 4 years. I’ve been promised multiple pay raises (including to bring me up to industry standard), which have never happened “due to budgetary reasons,” so I am being paid a few cents more than the people who “report” to me though I do not have manager in my title.

In the last 7 months, our management team has dwindled from 4 people running 3 customer service departments and reporting to my boss to 2 (the trainer and the quality assurance person who weren’t supervising any departments), and the trainer has just put in his notice. My boss is already telling him to give me all of his tool access so I can do his job as well but has never spoken to me about it. I am overwhelmed and underpaid. I am not willing to take on this stress unless I receive a pay raise and promotion. How can I decline the additional responsibilities unless I receive a pay raise and promotion without being fired for insubordination?

Well, there are no guarantees that you can. But you can certainly try.

If you simply say, “No, pay me more or I won’t do that,” you’re likely to hear “Sorry, but this is part of the job now” … and the subtext will be “take it or leave it.”

But there’s a better way to go about this — not one that’s guaranteed to work, but one that’s certainly a reasonable and professional way to proceed.

Meet with your boss and say something like this: “I’m concerned about the increasing workload that I’m being asked to handle. Our management team has gone from four people to two, and is about to go to one, and I’m picking up most of that work that used to be handled by other people. My plate is more than full at this point, and it’s a real challenge to juggle everything I’m now responsible for. I can help out on a short-term basis, but this has been the case for months and looks like it will continue and maybe even get worse. It’s a significant amount of stress and responsibility. I’m willing to continue helping out, but I want to revisit my title and my compensation. It’s not feasible for me to continue on with this increased workload at my current level of pay — which is the same pay level I’ve been at for four years, even though I’ve been told I’d receive raises in the past, and then never have. What can we do to get my pay and title up to something that reflects the work I’m doing?”

And be prepared to be asked what salary you want, which means researching and thinking this through beforehand so that you don’t undercut yourself or ask for more than is reasonable.

From there, listen to what your boss says. If she agrees, then great, problem solved … although make sure that the raise really happens this time, by following up your conversation with an email summarizing your agreement and setting a date for the raise to be effective, and then raising it immediately if you don’t see the raise by the time you’re supposed to.

But if she hems and haws, say this: “I understand that you can’t decide this on the spot, but I’m serious about figuring out how to proceed fairly quickly, since this has been going on for a while now. Can I follow up with you in a week?”

If you’re told (either now or when you follow up in a week) that your requests aren’t possible and the work just has to be done, then there’s your answer. Your company is not going to give you a raise or a promotion, and they’re not going to change your workload.

At that point, you need to decide if you want the job as it’s being offered (this salary, this title, this workload) or if you’d rather look for work elsewhere. Meanwhile, though, as long as you stay, you probably do need to do the work you’re being assigned … or at least, you can’t flatly refuse it.

However — and this is important — you can and should say things like, “I can do X, Y, and Z in 40 hours a week” (or 45, or whatever the norm is in your industry, recognizing that in many fields it’s more than 40), “which means that A, B, and C will be on the back burner until I have time to get to them, which may not be for a while.” But that’s a matter of prioritizing your responsibilities — it’s different than saying, “No, I refuse to accept A, B, and C altogether.”

Meanwhile, while you do that, you can certainly be looking for another job … and once you find one, leave and explain why.

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open thread – May 16, 2014

by Alison Green on May 16, 2014

Olive hidingIt’s the Friday open thread!

The comment section on this post is open for discussion with other readers on anything you want to talk about. If you want an answer from me, emailing me is still your best bet, but this is a chance to talk to other readers.

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should I meet with the person who replaced me at my toxic job, what to say to plagiarists, and more

by Alison Green on May 16, 2014

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Should I meet the person who replaced me at my toxic job for coffee?

I spent 18 months working in a very toxic workplace and when I finally left, my self worth and dignity had been totally destroyed. In the 18 months I was there I never did a single thing right according to my managers (there was three of them in that time period) although my work was highly regarded externally. I work in digital marketing so my work is very visible.

Three months after I left I landed my dream job, my own growing team to manage, a 25% raise, the right title and an amazing boss plus a 10 minute commute, not to mention challenging and autonomous work. I had and still have serious imposter syndrome but I work at it every day and I’ve come a long way, I no longer have panic attacks when my boss enters the room. Yes it got that bad.

Today the person who replaced me reached out to me today via linkedin. She was diplomatic in her words but did mention a toxic workplace and wanted advice on her career and how to move forward.

I would love to meet her for coffee or lunch to help her through this as I know how hard it can be to move on from this situation. My friends are amazed she reached out and told me to be wary. I can’t think of too many reasons why it would be bad, unless she was sent on a fishing expedition by the company to get me to say something they could act on legally. I would not discount them from doing this but I can’t see what they would gain as I left over a year ago. Am I being naïve and too nice?

I wouldn’t be wary of legal issues, but I’d ask yourself what good will come of this. You’re out of there; you’ve escaped. Wouldn’t it be better to keep it a clean break, rather than getting emotionally sucked back into any of it?

This person is a fully-functioning adult. She can navigate this without needing to pull you back into it. I’d tell her you wish her the best of luck but that you want to make it a clean break, and leave it at that.

2. What to say to a job applicant who plagiarized a cover letter

Since you posted the question about the stolen cover letter on May 5, I’ve received that same cover letter, too. There are a few tweaks, but it’s nearly identical.

I’d like to let the candidate know her plagiarism was discovered. She applied through our applicant tracking system, so we haven’t been in contact before. I’m comfortable giving candidates feedback, but I can’t figure out how to contact a stranger for the sole purpose of telling her she effed up. Email? Phone? What’s a way to phrase it that’s direct, but not overly punitive or condescending?

As an additional note, she’s completely unqualified for the position she applied to. Even with a perfect cover letter, I’d reject her.

I’m glad you’re going to call her out on it; this really pisses me off.

In the past when I’ve had a similar situation, I’ve sent an email saying something like: “This cover letter appears to be pulled from (URL). Can you shed any light?”

I include that last sentence because (a) I find it fascinating to see what people say, and (b) I am horrible person who wants to see them squirm.

3. Why didn’t I get an “exceed expectations” rating on my performance evaluation?

I work for a small department at a large state university. The only way for us to get raises is through our performance review “categories”; each category allows for a different raise percentage.

My boss ranks me extremely highly in her comments, and on the form for specific ratings on each part of my job notes in each part that I exceed expectations or at a minimum successfully meet them. More of the “exceed” expectations boxes are checked than “meet.” However, they also have a box for an overall “grade” and there she checked that I meet all expectations, not exceed, despite her gushing comments elsewhere.

What can I do about this and how can I address this with her? This is my first review here and my colleagues say she’s fairly arbitrary with this stuff, but that one box affects my raise significantly and I feel like considering her other comments and boxes she checked it should have been an overall “exceeds expectations.”

I don’t believe it’s a budget issue, as we’re privately funded and she does not have a great understanding of HR. Overall, she’s a wonderful person but a pretty bad manager. I work mostly independently and am the most senior employee in terms of rank other than herself.

Just ask her. For instance: “I wonder if you can tell me more about my overall rating. You scored me as exceeding expectations on the majority of of the elements above, but only meeting expectations overall. Could we talk about what it would take for me to exceed expectations overall?”

4. Consequences for missing too much work

I work for a school district as a bus driver, and have been asked by my boss to make a list of recommendations as punishment for those who miss too much work. We have a 180 day school year, and some have missed 30 or more days. What can we do?

Warn them after X missed days and fire them after Y missed days. And let them clearly know ahead of time that that’s your policy.

This isn’t about punishment; it’s about creating logical consequences when people don’t meet the bar you need them to meet.

5. Do phone interviewers usually schedule the next interview at the end of the call?

I had a phone interview today that went pretty well, though just a bit shaky. I did note to them that I was very flexible schedule-wise so that I could be fit in wherever they need someone most. I felt that was a big plus. After she finished answering some questions I had like, “What direction is the company headed, i.e. new services/member perks” (they are a fairly new startup) and “How would you describe the company culture?”, she asked if I had any other questions. I didn’t. She let me know she had all her questions answered and that I would be hearing from their hiring team early next week.

So here’s my question: do employers typically schedule the next interview in that same call (phone interview) if they want to move you on to the next phase? I know that it may vary company to company. Is it possible I could still be contacted for a second interview?

It varies. I won’t usually schedule the next interview on the spot; I want to process my thoughts, compare the person to other candidates, etc. If I’m very sure, I might say something like, “I’d love to set up an in-person interview and will email you later today about scheduling,” but I’m just as likely not to do it on the spot. So I wouldn’t read anything at all into the fact that a second interview wasn’t scheduled right then and there.

That said, you’re far better off moving on mentally rather than trying to read tea leaves and wonder if you’ll be called. Let it be a pleasant surprise if they call you, rather than something that you’re worrying about.

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my coworker is planning a “CEOs & Office Hoes” party

by Alison Green on May 15, 2014

A reader writes:

I am interning at a fairly large nonprofit, one of six interns at the moment. It’s been a great experience so far and I’m learning a lot from my manager, who is in charge of all the interns. However, I was wondering if you could share your thoughts on a problem I’m having. It’s quite a cliquey dynamic, which hasn’t been a problem for the most part, as we all enjoy hanging out together. The problem is with a birthday party happening for one intern, “Josh.” Josh’s party is themed “CEOs & Office Hoes.” I was invited to this party, as were all the other interns, but I am the only one who has declined the invitation.

This theme is really offensive to me, as we are working together in an office and I think this is really demeaning to women in general, who are expected to dress like sluts at this party, while the guys wear suits. At the moment, this party is the talk of the office amongst the interns and it’s making me really uncomfortable, especially the three other female interns who have spent time discussing what they are going to wear. I don’t think this kind of discussion is appropriate in a work setting and it’s making it really hard for me to concentrate on my work, as well as they are obviously not focussing on their work while they are having these discussions.

Would it be appropriate for me to approach our manager about this? She has been really great about listening to our concerns previously. I don’t want to get anyone into trouble, as everyone is generally nice and I know that I obviously can’t control what types of parties other people do or do not throw. But I should also have the right to be able to work in an environment where I don’t have to listen to people talk about something which I find demeaning to women. Thoughts?

Yeah, you’re right, and your coworkers are mishandling this — probably due to the fact that they’re new to the workforce and don’t realize that the rules are different for stuff like this than they might be outside of work. They also probably figure that if someone doesn’t like it, they can just not attend — not realizing that sexualized crap like this will still contribute to a hostile workplace (in the legal sense) for people who find it objectionable.

I’d go talk discreetly with your manager. If she’s even a halfway decent manager, she’s going to want to know about this, know that it’s making you uncomfortable, and take the opportunity to explain to other interns how this stuff is perceived in a work settings.

Also, regarding that cliquey dynamic — while it might seem generally okay to you, aside from this, it’s almost certainly keeping you from reaping all the benefits of your internship, which would ideally include getting more acclimated to professional norms unlike the ones being advanced by your fellow interns, as well as working with people outside your own age group and experience level. If you’re not already, start making a point of getting to know other people in your workplace. Ask your manager to go to coffee so you can pick her brain. Ask other people there who do the type of work you’d like to do in five years or 10 years if you can do the same with them. Break away a little from the intern clique — I think you’ll have a more useful experience if you do.

Read an update to this letter here.

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what should I say to parents who are job-searching on behalf of their kids?

by Alison Green on May 15, 2014

A reader writes:

As part of my daily duties, I manage interns and volunteers for the nonprofit I work for. Recently, I’ve had a few interns “apply” by having their parents contact us first and say that their son or daughter “is seeking an internship.” I am not clear whether the parents are doing this of their own volition or whether the students (they are in college) are simply too lazy or shy to contact us directly to start with. I don’t want to be judgmental, but it is off-putting to have people nearly 20 and/or older have their parents communicate for them, and follow up for them in addition to that (one we followed up with directly and his father emailed us to follow up later after we had asked the potential intern to fill out an application and contact us when he returns from school, etc.). What are your thoughts on this? The field we are in requires people with self-drive and a strong work ethic.

To give more background, we get many, many requests for internships and can ultimately only accommodate so many. I want to give everyone an equal chance, but other candidates are communicating for themselves and not through their parents. Even students in high school who volunteer for us communicate for themselves, so I wanted to seek an outside opinion. Should I speak with the intern and bring up this issue – perhaps mention that it’s not professional at this point to have their parents communicate for them?

Actually, you should explain this to the parents, at the time that they contact you.

Every time this kind of parental intervention comes up, people rightly complain about it — but I’ve noticed that I rarely hear people say that they shut it down with the parents when it happens, which leads me to think that they’re actually answering these parents’ questions (while inwardly cringing) instead of clearly telling them that it’s inappropriate and refusing to indulge them. Maybe it’s because people don’t like conflict, or because they’re caught off guard and aren’t sure how to handle it in the moment when it’s happening, but regardless of the reason, no employer should be indulging this.

When parents contact you, you should clearly lay out (a) that this isn’t okay and (b) what needs to happen instead. At a minimum, you should say this: “We prefer candidates to contact us directly.” (And do not reward the bad behavior by then supplying information anyway. End the call.)

But if you want to be more pointed about it — and I hope you will — you could say, “I’m not sure I understand — are you contacting us on her behalf?” followed by, “We’d need her to contact us directly if she’s interested.” If you want to be particularly helpful, you could add, “You actually aren’t helping her out by doing this — employers won’t be impressed that a parent is doing the legwork for her.”

Shutting it down before it gets off the ground is the best way to signal that this isn’t in any way okay.

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