I’m afraid a manager will find my trash-talking emails about her, affairs with married coworkers, and more

by Alison Green on March 27, 2014

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. I’m afraid that a manager will find my trash-talking emails about her in my former coworker’s email

A coworker was let go as part of a large layoff at the Fortune 500 company where I work. I recently found out that when people are let go, the employee’s manager receives access to the terminated employee’s email account.

I went back and read some of my email exchanges with this employee over the past year or two, and there is a definite pattern of us complaining about his manager (who I also work with but don’t directly report to). This manager tends to call in sick a lot (especially on Mondays and Fridays), attends many off-site meetings and conferences, “works from home” but doesn’t appear to be really working, and we regularly emailed back and forth about how unprofessional this is and what a slacker the manager seems to be.

Yes, I know I should NOT have been using my work email to write this kind of thing (and this is the reason why!), but what, if anything, should I do now? Just assume that the manager isn’t going to go that deep into “Sent Mail” and find this stuff? Or pre-emptively apologize or somehow do some damage control? Our director loves this manager (despite the chronic malingering) and if it gets back to him that I have been complaining like this, he’s not going to be happy. Am I just screwed?

Ugh. This is not a great spot to be in. If you preemptively apologize, you’ll draw attention to something that might never have been spotted otherwise, so I think your best bet is to leave it alone and hope nothing is noticed or said.

The good news here is that (a) this isn’t your manager (this would potentially be a lot worse if it were), (b) the complaints you’re making probably aren’t ones the manager wants to bring to anyone’s attention (if indeed she’s a slacker, she likely doesn’t want to highlight that fact for anyone she could complain to), and (c) if she’s that much of a slacker, she’s not likely to spend a lot of time digging around in your former coworker’s email anyway. So basically, sit tight and hope this doesn’t go anywhere, and resolve never to risk it in the future.

If it does get brought up, apologize and say that you realize you handled your concerns unprofessionally and won’t repeat it again.

2. Should I send my manager weekly updates about my work?

Would you recommend sending your manager a weekly email listing your accomplishments for that week? I read an article that thinks it is a good idea. If you agree, how would you start the emails? For example, my manager juggles multiple hats and never has free time. So we rarely have one-on-one meetings and he generally doesn’t hear about what his team is doing, unless someone messes up. While my manager thinks I’m doing a great job (since he doesn’t get emails from others about mistakes I’ve made), it seems he has no clue that I take on the majority of the work (that tends to be more complicated).

If it wouldn’t be wildly out of place in the dynamic you two have, you could start sending weekly (or biweekly, or monthly — depending on what makes sense for your context) emails with highlights of what you’re working on, what you’ve achieved, and big upcoming priorities. You don’t want to use these to account for every minute of your time or for routine, ongoing work, but it’s certainly for appropriate for highlights and progress toward big goals. You could frame the first one as, “I thought it could be useful to keep you in the loop about what I’m working on and what I have coming up, in case you have input on prioritization or anything else. If there’s a different way for me to present this information that would be more useful to you, let me know. Otherwise my plan is to send you a short update like this every other Friday” (or whatever).

To be clear, ideally you’d be doing this in a face-to-face check-in, but since that’s not happening, this can be a useful way to keep him in the loop about your workload, accomplishments, and upcoming priorities.

3. My friend had an affair with a married coworker and now wants to meddle in his affair with another

I have question that is somewhat convoluted. My friend has been having an affair with one of her married coworkers. Well, that coworker then decided to leave her and begin an affair with a different female coworker (who is also married). My friend now has decided to disclose this information to the husband of the female employee, because she feel as though the woman antagonizes her. Based on the instances she’s provided to me, I see no evidence of this.

This situation has completely and totally consumed her and now is about to jeopardize her career and a family. I’ve tried multiple times to make her consider the negative consequences that doing this could have on her and the other woman. I’ve even explain how hypocritical it is for her do such a thing. She seems relentless in destroying this woman, and the end result will be a lot of lives will be changed and she will possible lose her job. What would you suggest I do to help her get through this?

If you’re close to her, you could say, “I’m really concerned about you. I think you’ve lost sight of what is reasonable, ethical, and kind here, and you’re about to take actions that will have an enormous impact on many people, including you. I think you’ll regret this in a year, and you won’t be able to undo what you’ve done. I’m urging you in the strongest of terms to pull back from this situation and consider talking with a therapist about healthier ways to deal with the emotions you’re grappling with.” Frankly, if you’re not close to her, you could say this too, but you’re likely to have more sway if you’re close. Beyond that, though, I don’t know that there’s much you can do — you can’t make your friend see reason if she’s resists a direct, explicit call-out of what she’s doing.

4. What does it mean when a recruiter says she’ll get me feedback?

I recently had a phone interview with a recruiter from a former employer of mine. I think the interview went ok…I’m not sure…I tend to ramble. By the way, my resume was sent to the recruiter by a former colleague who still works there in the HR department. After the recruiter asked her questions, she said the she needed to speak to “others” in the department and had a few more interviews. The next day, I sent her a thank-you email, to which she responds, “Thank you! Hopefully I will have feedback for you soon.” To me that reads rejection. Your thoughts?

Nope. Doesn’t mean rejection. When a recruiter says she’ll get feedback for you in this context, it means that she’s waiting to hear whether the hiring manager thinks you’re a strong candidate or not. That’s all this means.

5. I run a blog on ghosts; can I mention it in my job search?

I’ve been out of work since July and have been looking for a job ever since. My last job involved web writing (blog articles) with a heavy emphasis on SEO, so I’ve been applying to similar roles. Alas, no luck so far.

As a hobby, I started a blog that is now pretty popular in its niche. Mainstream outlets cite it, studios and companies contact me to promote their products, and my blog gets more traffic than any of employer’s blogs did. My blog also attracted the attention of a radio host in Spain, leading to my participation in a show broadcast there. I’d like to mention my successes, especially as I’m applying to web writing/SEO-type jobs. However, my blog content is a bit weird. I write about ghosts and haunted places.

Should I bring up my blog achievements in interviews and/or cover letters? I don’t insist ghosts are real, nor do I look like the stereotypical kooky ghost hunter. In fact, I can’t say I even believe in ghosts. However, I’m worried that bringing up the blog will negatively affect how potential employers view me.

Well, you have the holy grail when it comes to web writing work: a successful website with traffic and media coverage. It’s a track record that will make you stand out from other candidates and proves you can do this type of work successfully, and it would be a shame not to use that in your job search.

So I think it’s all in the way you talk about it. If you make it clear that you’re not “the stereotypical kooky ghost hunter” in the way you discuss it and briefly (like one sentence) explain why you write about it (which I imagine will make your ability to counter that stereotype more credible), I wouldn’t worry too much.

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are you really as busy as you think you are?

by Alison Green on March 26, 2014

Are you too busy, and do you like to let people know how busy and exhausted you are? And/or have you noticed an increase in the number of people in your lives who are busy busy busy and who will tell you all about it?

Then you must read this article by Hanna Rosin in Slate, You’re Not As Busy As You Say You Are. She writes: “The art of busyness is to convey genuine alarm at the pace of your life and a helpless resignation, as if someone else is setting the clock, and yet simultaneously make it clear that you are completely on top of your game. These are not exactly humble brags. They are more like fretful brags, and they are increasingly becoming the idiom of our age.”

And the part I found most interesting: “The answer to feeling oppressively busy … is to stop telling yourself that you’re oppressively busy.”

I think there’s something to that. I feel far more harried and rushed when I’m focusing on the fact that a particular day or week feels packed. When I instead just move through the stuff I have to do, calmly ticking things off one by one without freaking out about How Much I Have To Do, it feels far less daunting and exhausting, and I tend not to end the day in a stressed-out heap. (Rosin tried  silently repeating, “You’re not that busy” to herself one day, and said that it stopped “the tape in my head of what had to get done that day. I just calmly did one thing after another.”)

Anyway, read the whole article. It’s fascinating.

(And if you want more, read this as a follow-up. Hat tip to the reader who suggested it yesterday.)

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do you want to work at a nonprofit?

by Alison Green on March 26, 2014

I’ve spent most of my career working in nonprofits, and I am here to tell you that — if you care about doing something you believe in and making the world a better place — it rules. Well, it can rule, if you pick the right one. (If you pick the wrong one, it can suck, just like in other sectors.)

Here’s what you should know about working for a nonprofit.

What does it mean to be a nonprofit?

Nonprofits are organizations that work to improve the common good of society in some way, typically through charitable, educational, scientific, or religious means. Their defining characteristic is that they don’t distribute a profit to private individuals (such as owners or investors); instead, they use all their available revenue to serve the public interest in some way.

When you think of nonprofits, you might first think of animal shelters and soup kitchens, there are also all kinds of others, such as advocacy groups, which work for social change; trade associations, which offer membership and services like research, training, or lobbying for whichever industry they represent; religious institutions, like churches and temples; and private foundations, which focus on making grants to other nonprofits.

What types of jobs do nonprofits hire for?

Nonprofits hire people to do all the same jobs as for-profit businesses do: They hire people to do web design, accounting, research, management, communications, administrative work, I.T., lobbying—all the same jobs that you’re used to seeing. But on top of that, they also have additional roles likes fundraisers, grant writers, volunteer coordinators, and community organizers.

Does “nonprofit” mean that the staff aren’t paid?

No! It’s the organization itself that isn’t making a profit, not the employees. With the exception of some very small organizations, most  nonprofits are staffed by paid professional staff. Some organizations employ volunteers in additionto their paid staff, but many don’t use volunteer help at all.

Do nonprofits pay competitively?

Some do and some don’t. Salaries in the sector vary widely, but smart nonprofits do strive to pay competitive salaries and benefits so that they can hire talented staff members.

However, when nonprofits can’t afford high salaries, they often try to make up for it by offering excellent benefits, such as  flexible hours and generous vacation time. But this too varies by organization – and there are certainly plenty of nonprofits where long hours are the norm.

What’s different about nonprofit work? 

The biggest difference is that there’s a different bottom line.In business, the ultimate goal is to make a profit. For nonprofits, the goal is to have a positive effect in the world. And staff members are generally expected to share that perspective, which can sometimes translate into longer hours and pitching in wherever you’re needed in order to help advance the mission. But staff members often derive an enormous sense of personal fulfillment from their work (particularly if the organization is well-run and getting results).

In addition, nonprofits often (but not always) have fewer resources, which can mean less money for salaries, office space, training, and equipment. For this reason, it’s not uncommon for nonprofits to be understaffed, so you might be expected to wear several different hats – which can be a great opportunity to get experience in multiple areas, but can be frustrating if you want to just focus on one thing. (However, there are also larger nonprofits that are well-funded and well-staffed.)

How can I get hired by a nonprofit?

For the most part, nonprofit hiring works the same as anywhere else. However, in addition to screening for skills and talents, nonprofits also usually look for candidates who care about the issues they work on and who won’t see the work as “just a job.” That means that you should talk in your cover letter about why you care about the work they do, and you should expect it to come up in your interview as well.

How can I find out about nonprofit job openings?

Nonprofit jobs are advertised everywhere that other jobs are advertised – but there are also sites dedicated specifically to them, such as Idealist.org, one of the largest and best-known. Additionally, if you have a favorite cause, you can look at the websites of the groups that work on it; job postings are usually posted on their websites.

I originally published this at U.S. News & World Report.

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should a resigning employee have to reimburse us for costs of a future conference he signed up for?

by Alison Green on March 26, 2014

A reader writes:

I manage a small software development team in a larger company. We have a modest conference allowance for each person in our department, usable by each employee in whichever way they see fit (with veto input from me, their manager. We don’t want to pay for them to go to surfing conference in Hawaii, as nice as that would be). There is no official policy that surrounds this but it works pretty well in practice.

This is positioned as a perk to encourage programmers to learn more about our language and framework or go to something new and report back, and also as recruiting. A few months ago, a programmer signed up for a conference that takes place a few months from now, in another state that would require airfare and hotel, and booked it under his name, as you would expect.

He just submitted his two week notice.

My boss, the director, wants him to reimburse us for the cost of the plane ticket, conference ticket, and pre-paid hotel, as all are non-transferrable. The programmer has refused, as he signed up for the conference in good faith, and would be happy to transfer the conference ticket and pre-paid hotel reservation back to the organization and let us deal with it (since they’re non transferrable though, we can’t really do anything with them). The plane ticket can only be partially refunded, due to change fees and the like.

I’m stuck in the middle. We don’t have an explicit policy that states the programmer would have to repay this debt, but my boss is putting a lot of pressure on me to get the money from the outgoing employee. What should I do? What is common in this situation? It feels like we should just chalk this up as a cost of doing business without a policy, but I don’t have any experience in this situation to know for sure.

(A follow up question just for my education: how would this change if he were being fired instead?)

Yep, you’re right and your boss is wrong. This is a cost of doing business. What if the employee had, say, bought a one-year subscription to a business journal to help him do his job better? Would your boss want him to pay for the months remaining on the subscription?

Point out to your boss that what he’s proposing would discourage people from ever signing up for anything more than a month or so out, because they won’t want to be on the hook for the cost in case their circumstances change. Also point out that this is a normal cost of doing business that he’s attempting to shift to employees, and that doing that will be really bad for employee relations and people’s morale.

Sometimes stuff happens that isn’t ideal. There are plenty of costs linked to employee decisions that employers don’t like (like the costs of preparing for a new employee who backs out of the job two days before starting, or having to pay unemployment benefits for a fired employee who put in no effort), but they’re still normal costs of doing business.

As for the question you asked about whether this would change if the guy had been fired: All this would be doubly true then (because it would be really reprehensible to expect someone leaving involuntarily to pay fees for doing his job), but the fact that it’s his choice to leave doesn’t mean that he should shoulder the business’s expenses.

Your company offered this benefit, and the employee acted on it in good faith. Now the company needs to act in good faith too.

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my manager shared my pregnancy with people before I did, divorce at work, and more

by Alison Green on March 26, 2014

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Handling a divorce at work

I am in a new job (and it’s a great job, and I got it with the blog’s help!). Sadly, while my professional life is going well, my personal life has taken a turn.

I don’t know how to handle my upcoming separation and divorce from my spouse at my new job. I have only been at the position 7 months, so not enough time to become very close to anyone. But, my new coworkers are friendly and often inquire about my family. I am really confused as to how to respond now. On the one hand, it’s not really anyone’s business. But I don’t want to be stand-offish, weird or lie. Also, I will probably be changing my name back to my maiden name. Am I going to look crazy?

I’m just wondering if you have any advice, or if anyone has gone through this (or any other difficult personal situation soon after starting a new job). I want to make sure I handle this professionally because I want to stay at this job for a while!

You will not look crazy. This stuff happens, and your coworkers almost certainly know plenty of people who have gone through it or have dealt with it themselves. I think the keys here are to treat it in a way that’s (a) low-key and (b) matter-of-fact. So, for instance, if someone asks about your husband, you’d just say, “Actually, Bob and I are splitting up.” And your response to whatever concerned response follows should be something like, “It’s a tough time, but we’re both doing well” or “Thank you, we’re getting through it okay” or whatever else feels natural but assures people that you are in fact carrying on. If you do decide to change back to your maiden name, be matter-of-fact about that too — “I’ve gone back to my maiden name, so I’m now Persephone Mulberry.” That’s really it!

If you’d be more comfortable with it, it’s also fine to mention it to your boss proactively — something like, “I wanted to let you know that Bob and I are splitting up. I’m doing okay, but felt odd not mentioning it since it’s a major thing that will probably come up in informal conversation at some point.” (A normal boss will at this point express sympathy and ask you if you need any time off, etc., but will take her cues from you — if you say you’ve got it under control, people will believe you, unless you present evidence to the contrary.) Good luck, and I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.

2. My manager shared my pregnancy with people before I did

At work a few months ago, I printed a document regarding my newly discovered pregnancy to an office printer and as happens at work, I got distracted and forgot about the document. Before I had a chance to retrieve the document from the printer, my manager brought it by my office and dropped it off on my desk while I was sitting there. They didn’t show any sign that they had read it, but months later, when I went to reveal the news to a friend and coworker, they informed me that my manager had already told them about it! As you can imagine, I’m quite upset. What would you suggest as productive language to tell my boss that in spite of my accidently leaving private information on a public printer, I don’t appreciate their gossiping/sharing my news with my coworkers?

“I was surprised to hear that you had told people I was pregnant before I’d told anyone at work, including you. What happened?” (Wait for response.) “I’m really uncomfortable with my personal medical information being shared with people without my permission, let alone when I hadn’t even shared it with anyone here myself.”

3. My new coworker seems overwhelmed by the pace of our work

I started a new job about 5 months ago, and although there has been a steep learning curve, I feel like I am beginning to get on top of my work and understand the office culture and fit in here. Our department was really small when I started (just me and my boss), and we have had very aggressive goals and targets to meet, but so far I have done pretty well meeting those expectations, especially given that I’ve had less than 6 months to learn this position, and I had to hit the ground running. I’m used to working in places with a fast, stressful pace and lots of crazy deadlines to meet, so this is not a new way of working to me.

However, my boss just hired a person from another department to join our team. My new coworker is giving the job her all, but she is not used to working in a salaried position that often requires long hours and can be very stress-inducing. She seems pretty overwhelmed, and I know that her new workload and responsibilities are pretty intense, especially considering that she has only been in the role for a couple of weeks. I can see her starting to crack under the pressure, and I think she often feels very discouraged because she isn’t fully on top of the work yet, but my boss has very high expectations. I went through the same thing when I first started in my position, and although I do believe in being challenged, I also believe in setting people up for success, and it seems like the new coworker is being pushed a little bit TOO much, considering she is brand new to this position. My boss is very driven and motivated, and often comes into work after getting only 3 hours of sleep (I’ve heard many stories that began with “so I couldn’t sleep last night and I was writing down all of these ideas for the campaign…” or “over the weekend I was working on…”), which leads me to believe she thinks that a lot of people function this way. She’s a kind person, but I feel like there is a blind spot as far as having realistic expectations of what other people are capable of right out of the gate.

I believe my coworker is capable of doing this work and has a good work ethic, but she isn’t being set up for success right now because the demands are so high right off the bat. Is there anything I can do to make this situation a little bit better, or should I just hold my tongue? She has already confessed feeling extremely overwhelmed and having major anxiety over this job.

Talk to her! Tell her about your own experience when you first started, and if you have advice for her based on your own experience, offer it. Also, if you have a good rapport with your boss, you might try pointing out that you’re worried that the expectations for your new coworker aren’t in line with what most people could juggle well when they’re new to the work, and suggest places where those expectations might be modified.

That said, keep in mind that you did well with the role in a similar context, and so it’s not an impossible bar. It might be a case of your boss needing to hire people with a proven track record of doing well in this type of environment (and those people do exist; you’re apparently one of them) — but for now, I’d see what support you can offer your coworker and whether you can influence what your boss expects from someone brand new to your team.

4. Preparing for an interview when you don’t have a job description

How do you prepare for an interview when you don’t have a job description? A recruiter recently contacted me on LinkedIn and asked if I was interested in a position she’s trying to fill. After I sent her my resume, she passed it on to the client and now both she and the client would like to interview me. I know the position title (executive assistant) but not the extent of the responsibilities involved. How do I prepare when I don’t know precisely what skills or expertise will be needed?

You can ask them to send you the job description in advance, but if they don’t have one or don’t send it, then you can prepare simply by turning what you know to be generally true about executive assistant roles into a generic job description in your head, and focusing your preparation accordingly. You can also treat the interview itself partly as a fact-finding mission about the job, since you of course can’t sign on for a job without having a good understanding of what you’d be doing if you took it.

5. Can I list my personal work doing equities trading on my resume?

I am an electronics and instrument field tech who has been out of professional work since 2008. I conducted a job search during this period but was rather complacent due to an interest in equities trading. While this endeavor was very much an arduous full-time job (including a formal course of instruction), I think that a prospective employer may look at it as a frivolous indulgence.

The resume entry would appear as follows:
Equities Investor/Trader – Self employed – 2008 – 2013
Achievements:
· Completion of 14-week curriculum in live online Swing Trading College course – Lectures by Larry Connors, CEO Trading Markets (intensive study of quantitative approach to equities trading)
· Studied “The Technical Analysis Course” by Thomas Meyers
· Successfully applied chart analysis and quantitative analysis to equities trading
Responsibilities & Skills:
Equity investing, utilize news, chart analysis tools and quantitative algorithms to invest capital:
· Analyze securities: understand and utilize multiple algorithm sorts of stock databases
· Implement various indicators criterion such as such as McClellan Oscillator, 2-day RSI, Chaikin Money Flow, moving average crossovers, key support and resistance levels, statistical Fibonacci Retrace analysis and Don Worden’s indicators- Time Segmented Volume (TSV) and Moneystream (MS)
· Apply principles to successful investment strategies

As I say, I’ve been anything but idle. But I want to get back to the real world and have certainly lost a measure of credibility. Do I run with this or just leave a big gap?

It’s way too much detail that most employers won’t care about (unless you’re applying to work in finance, but it doesn’t sound like you are). You could include 1-2 lines noting that you were a self-employed equities trader during that time (if and only if this was truly your job — i.e., you supported yourself this way during that period), but the rest of it doesn’t really add anything that will be helpful to an employer reading your resume.

Also, for the record, you want anything you list as an achievement on your resume to be about an outcome … so taking a course doesn’t count; getting a impressive investment return rate does count. That said, the “achievements” and “responsibilities & skills” labels are unnecessary anyway; you can just list your bullet points without dividing them like that or labeling them at all. But you do want stronger bullet points in general. (Not for this work, since you should cut it way down anyway, but as a general principle for other things on your resume.)

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is this email from my coworker manipulative and weird?

by Alison Green on March 25, 2014

A reader writes:

I have a rather odd situation at hand. At my current job (that I’ve had for about 6 months), I hit it off with a coworker who works in the same division but not the same department. She was very enthusiastic about how I handle my role and how I dilligently handle sticky situations – wonderful, I love people who provide me with feedback (especially the good kind). We had a couple of lunches and she offered to do a career assessment for me (also very cool). It took me 3 months from when she sent that assessment (it was an online thing) to get it done – my job had ramped up and I had multiple deliverables on the go. In any event, I took the time and got it done.

Now she needs an hour to let me know how I did – great – just that my schedule doesn’t have the flexibility for an hour that I can realistically commit to her. (I literally didn’t see my family for a week) That’s the nature of my job, and pretty much everyone who deals with me knows that and that my time is very precious.

Today, I got an email from her telling me that this is the last chance she’s giving me to make time for her and that I’m avoiding her and that I shouldn’t. I was slightly taken aback by this. I pride myself on being emotionally detached from my work – and her (for lack of a better word) outburst caught me completely off guard.

I emailed her back and let her know that my schedule is quite hectic and that I definitely remember that we have to chat about the assessment. This was something I was quite interested in. However, now I’m slightly uncomfortable and I’m not sure that I do want to give up an hour of my time to someone who, from my point of view, tried to emotionally blackmail my time from me. (I probably am overreacting – but it just felt so bizarre.)

Maybe this is something that is probably far more important to her than it is to me, but giving me ultimatums and telling me how I feel feels a lot like manipulation and bullying to me – am I completely off base?? Any idea on how I should handle the situation without making her feel bad or letting her making me feel guilty?

Here’s the email she sent:

Hi ___,

It is NOT too late to meet and do the debrief on your Energy Leadership Index assessment!!!

I sense you have been avoiding this issue, and therefore avoiding me… and please don’t think that I hold anything negative about you for it.

I think you would benefit from going through the debrief process and closing the loop.

It takes an hour… that’s it. I have the time.

Let me know.

In response, I told her, “Thank you so much for your email. I have actually been thinking about the hour we need to schedule to talk about the ELI report – it is on my to-do list. So you’re most certainly on my mind. As you might know, the last 3 months were quite hectic. We are expected to go down into a lull soon. I am very interested in what you have to say, and please do not take my inability to commit to a time as avoidance. Until recently I hadn’t been able to give my son time. So as things slow down, I will be able to commit to a time.”

In response, she sent me this:

Well, we are all busy. We have to make time. I hope that you will make time for the ELI report, otherwise you have wasted both your time and mine and as you have mentioned time is precious.

If you cannot schedule the 1 hour in the next week, I wouldn’t bother.

Well, first, I’m wondering about what’s up with a coworker offering to do a “career assessment” for you in the first place — what’s her expertise here? And what’s her motivation? Is this a hobby for her? Something she’s developing as a side business? I’m dying for more context here.

Anyway … yeah, her last email is outright snotty. Her first email feels a little off too, but I might be overly influenced by her triple exclamation points and the “I sense you have been avoiding the issue and therefore avoiding me” (which assumes a lot and feels tone-deaf and oddly intimate). But the second one is rude.

To be clear, I can understand why she’s frustrated. She invested time in this on your go-ahead. (And yes, she’s the one who made the offer, but when you accepted it, you were telling her that you were on-board.)  After all, imagine that you learned that a coworker was really interested in, I don’t know, farming turnips. And you happen to have a special interest in turnips, so you offer to analyze the soil in his yard and make some recommendations about how he could start a flourishing turnip business. He says he would love that, so you go off and spend an hour or two analyzing the soil in his yard and deciding on the varieties of turnips that will grow best there, pulling the best information from your extensive turnip files on root cellars in case he wants to grow them indoors, and coming up with a few different marketing options for his future turnip crop. And then when you tell him you’re ready to talk through what you’ve found, he doesn’t bother to meet with you. You’d probably be pretty dismayed — and annoyed that he let you spend your time that way. It wouldn’t be emotional blackmail for you to say, “Hey, I put time into this at your request, and I’d like to close the loop.”

But that’s not how she’s handling it. She’s being rude, and that’s not okay (and it raises the question of whether you want advice from someone who communicates like this). If she’s frustrated with the delay and wants to put a deadline on this, she could have said, “I’m hoping we can meet about this because I put quite a bit of time into preparing for it. If we’re going to finish this up, I’d like to plan to do it in the next week; if that doesn’t work on your end, I’d prefer not to do it all, because at that point too much time will have passed.”

In any case, I could argue this two different ways: On one hand, this is a commitment you made, she spent her own time on it as a result, and you want to be someone who keeps your word. On the other hand, that obligation weakens when someone starts being rude about it. Of course, you’ve also got to factor in maintaining good relations with a coworker, and I’m generally a fan of taking the high road even when someone else is being rude, so … how about this: “I certainly didn’t intend to waste your time and as I said, I very much want to meet with you as soon as my schedule allows it. If you can’t do it after one week from now, I understand.”

Read an update to this letter here.

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how to succeed when deadlines and priorities constantly change

by Alison Green on March 25, 2014

A reader writes:

I work for a company that has had one steady constant — change. How do you ensure you continue to get work done and are as efficient as possible when your team mates, responsibilities, and structure are constantly in flux?

It helps to set up your expectations correctly in advance. Part of what usually makes constant change so stressful is that you’re planning for one thing but then suddenly a different thing is happening, and you’re struggling to adjust. So instead, plan for change to happen – assume that things will change, expect it, and position your mind accordingly. For instance, when planning projects, factor into the schedule (and your own thinking) that the timeline may change, different people may become involved, and even the desired outcomes themselves may shift. You might, for example, include additional time for sign-offs and – knowing that details might change — incorporate additional times to check in with decision-makers about the project. In other words, be realistic about the environment you’re working in and don’t expect stability when you’re working in chaos.

At the same time, don’t allow changes to “just happen”; make sure that you’re distinguishing between distractions and true deliberate changes in direction that warrant adjusting priorities and ways of operating.

But ultimately, it’s important to ask yourself whether this is an environment you want to work in. Some people thrive in this type of atmosphere, while others hate it. If you’ll never be comfortable working like this and you’re not in a position to change the environment, it might be worth recognizing that this role isn’t an ideal fit for you.

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how to talk to an employee who frequently calls in sick before or after a weekend

by Alison Green on March 25, 2014

A reader writes:

What is the appropriate way to talk to an employee who tends to take Thursday afternoons and Fridays and Mondays as sick time? I would think some of these are legitimate, but the pattern is somewhat obvious and my boss has even noticed and is wondering if this employee is really just taking vacation time.

First, make sure it’s truly a pattern and not just something that happened, say, twice. But assuming it is…

“Jane, I’m concerned about your sick leave use. I’ve noticed that your sick time has tended to frequently fall just before or just after a weekend.”

Then, wait and see what your employee says. That’s important because there could be a legitimate reason for the pattern that you’d want to know about before plunging ahead. (For instance, if it turns out that your employee has a standing medical treatment on Thursdays that causes nausea for the next several days, that will change the conversation, probably to one where you talk about better ways to plan for it.)

But assuming nothing like that surfaces, you can proceed to: “Sick leave is different from vacation leave because it’s unplanned. That means it has more of a disruption on our work. I don’t want to discourage you from using it when you truly need it, but I’m concerned about the pattern I’m seeing, because I need you to be reliably here and because it’s likely to cause resentment in coworkers over time. I’d like us both to keep an eye on this going forward.”

That’s it. By raising the issue, you’re alerting the employee to the fact that you’re on to the pattern, which makes it a lot less likely that it’ll continue in the future. (Although if it does, you can address it at that point, referring back to this conversation.)

You also want to ground your thinking about this issue in what you know of the employee aside from this. Is she generally diligent and conscientious, with a high work ethic? (I’m betting not, but it’s possible.) Or does she have a lax attitude more broadly? How’s her work overall? If she’s generally a good employee, your tone in this conversation might simply be concerned — a tone that says “I feel I need to point out this pattern, but it seems out of character for you and I wouldn’t be surprised to learn there’s a reason for it.” But if she’s not (and again, I’m betting she’s not, because this type of thing generally shows up in employees who aren’t top performers), then take this as a flag to address the overall performance issues with her as well — because you need to, and because doing that will be more straightforward than second-guessing what she really did the last three Fridays she was out anyway.

By the way, some people would tell you to require doctor’s notes from this employee going forward. That’s certainly an option, but in general doctor’s notes are a poor option. It’s better to simply trust your staff to behave responsibly and address it head-on if they don’t.

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I want quiet but I want to be likable, retro pay for a late performance review, and more

by Alison Green on March 25, 2014

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Reconciling my need for quiet with a desire to be likable

I am seeking guidance on how to participate in social cultures in workplaces. FirstJob taught me that work is not only productivity, but also likability office-wide and mirroring what the big boss’s values are. My reputation at FirstJob was somebody who was very quiet and hardworking but not a member of a cherished inner circle and not a go-to person for projects.

I’m currently at a part-time job that has a full-time opening coming up. This time around, I’m much more aware of things like my likability and realize that too much quiet can be seen negatively. My work environment mores are also entirely different…. at FirstJob, I worked in the same cubicle setup with the same people for three years without knowing anything about them. Here there is a lot of chatter between cubicles, which I don’t particularly like but I deal with. I have to deal with constant interruptions from colleagues and their chatter, the gossip of the lunch table five feet away from me, and a boss who likes to come in and hang out for “bonding” but ends up just distracting me.

Do you have any suggestions for how I can reconcile my preference for quiet with my need to be likable should I want a position here? This is a field where working alone is very common. I am also wondering if I should prioritize positions where I can work quietly more often. Do you have suggestions on balancing priorities in a job search?

It’s true that likability matters, but you can be both quiet and likable. You don’t need to socialize constantly, but getting to know your coworkers and boss on a human level — how they like to spend their time, a little about their families, a mention of a TV here and there — will usually help you get along better with the people you work with. Again, not constant chatting, but small expressions of interest.

At the same time, though, you should screen for a culture where you’ll be comfortable and happy. Your current office sounds like the opposite extreme from your natural state, and there are offices that are less incessantly social. It sounds like this one might not be an ideal fit for what you want from a job — so I’d focus your thinking on the question of whether they are what you want, at least as much as you’re thinking about how to be what they want.

2. Responding to unqualified job applicants when I’d normally send more instructions

We’re hiring for a position right now where we request that the applicants fill out a standard job application. I just received a resume (no cover letter) from an applicant instead. Generally when this happens, I just email back and tell them that we’re requiring all applicants to fill out the job application, with a link to it. But after a quick look at this applicant’s resume, I know we will not be hiring them because they don’t fit our criteria. Now I’m in a quandary of what’s fair: treat it like everyone else and email back the standard email requesting the application or just send a rejection email. Is it fair to have him waste his time with the job application even though I know that we will not be hiring him?

Just send the rejection email. There’s no point in asking him to jump through hoops when you already know what the conclusion would be. (And keep in mind that ethics don’t require that you treat every applicant identically, particularly in this regard; ethics require that evaluate people on merit as objectively as you can and that you’re open and transparent with people throughout the process, but not that you funnel everyone through an identical process, particularly when there’s a foregone conclusion.)

3. I want retro pay for the delay in finishing my performance review

When I started working with my current company I was given an offer letter that stated, “Upon successful completion of your 90-day introductory period, your performance and compensation will be reviewed and you are eligible for an increase up to $XXX per year.”

After 90 days, a performance review was not conducted. My boss kept putting it off until this week, when HR informed me my increase for $XXX was approved, but the retro pay was denied (my job performance is not in question). If my review was conducted after 90 days (when it was supposed to), then the issue of retro pay would never have come up. How do I address this?

You can certainly point out that because your review wasn’t conducted at the agreed-upon time, you didn’t receive $X in salary that you otherwise would have received between then and now. A smart organization will give you retro pay to account for that — but ultimately it’s up to them. If you offer letter had said that you would receive an increase at that time, this would be more cut-and-dried, but it only said you’d be eligible to receive one, so there’s no real way to force their hand here (and you should weigh the benefits of pushing this hard against whatever impact that will have on your standing and relationship with your boss).

4. How can I propose making my role part-time without seeming like a slacker?

I work for an organization that is undergoing a restructuring. The process has been as transparent and collaborative as possible: the woman who will likely be my new manager has already reached out to discuss with me what projects I might be interested in owning from the scope of work my new team will assume. Our revenues took a big hit part-way through the restructuring, which has impacted budgets for our upcoming fiscal year and impacted head counts in the new organizational structure.

In being honest with myself and talking it over with my partner, the hours I’m working and the hectic pace of the work wear me down. We’ll be relocating in the next year and a half, so it makes sense to stay with my current organization until them as I am happy overall. But in light of our recent epiphany that I’m burning out, a knowledge that the budget just got tighter, and the fact that my future manager is actively soliciting my feedback in developing the scope of the roles on her new team, I was wondering how to go about bringing up my openness to a part-time role. I’m thinking 60% would be ideal. I understand my manager may need the full capacity of her team to carry out the work we’re charged with and I am happy to keep working full-time, but would like to find a way to let her know that she could use my capacity as a variable in her planning and budgeting. It’s worth stating explicitly that the organization I work with is full of type-A overachievers. While there are a few folks have a part-time arrangement, I’m nervous that this request would plant concerns about my being a slacker (I have a complex about this myself), especially since I don’t have a “legit” reason for going part-time, just my desire to continue doing work I enjoy with a better work-life balance.

“Would you be open to making this a part-time role? While I love the work I do, I’d love to talk about the prospect of going part-time, around three days a week.” I don’t think you need to have any reason beyond that you’d like to and could accommodate the pay cut it would entail.

That said, you’re far better equipped than me to judge how that might go over in your organization, so your knowledge of your culture should be your guide here. Also, factor in that in an environment like the one you describe, part-time could very quickly turn into more hours than you’re envisioning (while you stay at part-time pay).

5. How should my resume address job duties wildly outside my job description?

I work for a very small company (just myself and my two bosses). When I applied two years ago, the job description was geared towards a Marketing position, but as it turns out I do much more than marketing. In fact, I do everything from product development to shipping to assistant duties for one of my bosses. I’ve helped my boss unpack when she moved to a new house, organized things for her children and helped her complete projects for an auction she runs outside the business. I don’t have a problem doing things “outside my role,” but I will be moving out of state shortly and am unsure of how to describe my current job on my resume. While I definitely do a lot of marketing work, I also have multiple other duties within the company, as well as more typical “assistant” duties.

Additionally, one of my bosses works remotely and I’m not sure she knows about all the “assistant” duties I do. It’s all very awkward for me because we are such a small company and all three of us are very close. Both of my bosses have been mentors for me and have helped me out immensely during my time here. I’m just not sure how to approach describing what exactly I do because I do so many different things.

Well, do those additional duties strengthen your resume if you include them? Do they relate to the jobs you want to apply for? If so, by all means include them. But if not (and I’m guessing not, unless you’re applying for personal assistant positions), you’re under no obligation to include them. Just highlight the work that best represents where the majority of your time went and links to the jobs you’re applying for.

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update: we took up a collection for a coworker to get to a funeral, but she lied about it and didn’t go

by Alison Green on March 24, 2014

We heard last week from someone whose office took up a collection to help a coworker get to a funeral, but then discovered that the coworker had lied about what she used the money for and didn’t take the trip. Here’s an update.

Surprising ending to this question. It has been a difficult week.

The coworker had a lot more things to hide than not flying out to be with her family. The department chair and I sat down with her. She admitted that she did not fly out at all. Actually, she never even looked for a ticket. She took the money and the time off and stayed home. Her intent was to be able to buy her husband a power tool that he wanted for Christmas, but had spent the money elsewhere.

She never met the 9-year-old grandchild, but the child did die of a rare disease. We asked to have the money returned. If we do receive the money, we are then going to donate it for research for the disease that the child had. It was never about the money, but about the fact that she didn’t go and didn’t at least tell us. Now we know that she never intended to go.

This person was let go this morning. She was fired for getting paid time to go to meetings she said went all day, but weren’t, along with a few other things they discovered and also the airline donation money. She was escorted out of the building in tears.

I actually feel badly for her. I hope she gets the help she needs. Thank you and everyone that commented. That was helpful during my meeting with her.

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