Ask a Manager

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Should I let my manager know about my crippling anxiety?

Over the past two or three years, I seem to have developed a crippling case of social anxiety in certain work situations (namely, talking in meetings) to the point where if I’m asked to share an update with the group or even introduce myself, I have a panic attack, start trembling, quite literally can’t speak, etc. I’m mid-level career-wise and am not sure why this has started (other than some traumatic experiences in a past position at another company), but it’s becoming a real problem. I’m afraid I won’t be able to advance my career if I can’t talk in meetings, give presentations, etc. So far I have done a fairly good job covering it up (saying I had to go to the bathroom when really I was hyperventilating outside the suite) but know I can’t keep this up.

In addition to wondering if you or anyone has any advice on overcoming this, I also have been wondering if this is something I should share with my manager. On one hand, it might give him insight to what’s going on with me in these situations. But on the other, I’m afraid I’ll be marked, intentionally or not, as someone who can’t handle the stress of more responsibility, a promotion, etc. I know I’m great at what I do but am afraid I’m going to sabotage myself.

Get professional help with this, ASAP. It’s likely to make a huge difference, and if you do it quickly enough, you may be able to side-step the whole question of whether you need to talk to your manager about it or not.

As for the question of whether you should tell your manager what’s going on or not, it depends on (a) whether he’s noticing that something’s going on and (b) what he’s like. If he’s not noticing — and thus doesn’t need an explanation — I probably wouldn’t. There’s just too much potential for it proving to be career-limiting, without enough reason to take that risk. But if he is noticing, and he’s a generally kind person, it’s not crazy to let him know that you’re dealing with some anxiety issues that came up suddenly and that you’re actively working to resolve. But seriously, get yourself to a therapist immediately — as in, stop reading and go set up an appointment right now — because it will make a big difference in your quality of life.

2. Returning to work after 10 years as a “kept woman”

I was unemployed for the past 10 years. I was someone’s “kept woman.” I considered myself a leisure domestic manager with a comfortable monthly allowance from my man. To be honest, I do not feel that I have been missing out on anything from the corporate world at all. Three months ago, I made the critical decision to leave my “husband” for good. I found a decent apartment, moved out of our luxurious house, and returned all his credit cards.

Now I wonder how should I explain my ridiculous unemployment gap to future employers. I have a degree in Tourism Management and worked for 10 years before resigning for my man. I do hope people will be less judgmental, though I am not looking for sympathy. My most immediate task is to find employment to sustain basic living. I am very prepared to take on entry level jobs. Grateful for assistance you can offer.

Well, I wouldn’t go into details with employers about the nature of the relationship; it’s irrelevant, and it’s going to make many people uncomfortable. But you’re basically in the same situation as women who stop working during a marriage and then want to return to work later, and your best bet is probably to frame it that way — that you took time away from work to manage a household but now are ready to return. The bigger issue is going to be competing with candidates who have recent experience, when you don’t — so this advice for stay-at-home moms returning to the workforce might help.

(And for the record, this is why I worry about anyone dropping out of the workforce who might later need to return to it — it is much harder to do later on than if you have a record of steady employment.)

3. My cover letter said I’d follow up in a week, but they don’t want follow-ups

I recently applied for a position with a nonprofit. I submitted my application to a generic email address (jobs@example.com). In my cover letter I said that I would contact them the following week to request an interview. However, on the website for the company they have posted the following message: “Due to the volume of applications received, we regret that we are not able to respond to individual inquiries regarding application status. Only candidates selected for an interview will be contacted. No phone calls please.”

Is it sill appropriate for me to send a follow-up email requesting an interview? I don’t want to pester or annoy a potential employer. However, I also don’t want it seem that I cannot take initiative or follow up when I say that I will do. What are your thoughts on this issue? Should I follow up and request an interview?

Nope. You applied, so they know that you’re interested and would like an interview; that’s what applying communicates. You should stop writing in your cover letter that you’ll contact them in a week about an interview, because that is annoying and unnecessary. If you absolutely must follow up because you can’t stand the thought of saying you’ll do that and then not doing it (although I’d guess that 85% of the people who use that line in their cover letters don’t actually follow up), then you can send one low-key email … but only if you promise to strike that line from your cover letter hereafter.

4. Prospective clients are asking for my resume

I’ve recently been hired by a facility within a university to provide a technical service on a fee-for-service basis. I’ve been emailing clients of the facility to let them know we’re offering this new service and ask if they’d like to meet to discuss their needs. Twice now, I’ve had clients who are happy to meet with me but would like me to send them my CV. Does this seem odd to you? It seems like a weird way for them to operate. I’m not applying for jobs in their labs; I’ve got one here.

It’s not unusual to want to know the background of someone you’re considering contracting with to do work. They want to use your background to assess whether you’re a credible person to offer the service you’re offering, at the fee you’re requesting.

5. Interviewing when obviously pregnant

I’ve recently been laid off by my current employer – leaving me in search of new employment. The kicker is I’m six months pregnant. I’ve read some articles on how to address this issue and I’ve found conflicting answers.

Obviously, if a woman was early in her pregnancy it’s not as much as an issue, but for someone in my situation, it’s a lot harder to hide and the issue of maternity leave poses a threat. I know legally the employer cannot ask about it during the interview or deny you the position because of pregnancy – even though I suspect that might happen in some situation. So how does a potential employee bring it up in the interview? I want to ensure the company that I’m upfront and honest and not hiding anything.

If they’re going to realize you’re pregnant whether you mention it or not, you might as well raise it and address the questions that are likely on their mind — when will be out and for how long? They’re unlikely to ask those questions themselves since they can’t legally consider your answers, but will certainly appreciate hearing your answers. So you might say something like, “As you can probably tell, I’m pregnant. I’m due in June, and plan to take three months off then, but I plan to do X, Y, and Z to mitigate the impact of that.”

Read an update to this letter here.

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Can I ask for a raise at my 90-day review?

A few months ago, I received a job offer, and I requested a salary 6% higher than what they were offering. They accepted, and I’ve been working there ever since.

My 90-day review is coming up. I have, in my opinion, done a really stellar job in 90 days. In fact, even though I was hired for a non-supervisory position, I am fully in charge of training new hires. I have also been verbally promised a promotion within the year.

At my review, I would like to ask for a raise. I’m afraid of coming across as greedy since they gave me the starting salary I asked for. But, I believe my performance merits a raise. Also, this is my first time having an official performance review so I’m not really sure what to expect. Can you help me navigate this professionally?

Well, you can’t really ask for a raise after 90 days, no matter how stellar a job you’re doing. They assumed you’d do a stellar job when they hired you — and they assumed you’d do it at the salary you agreed to. You generally need to wait about a year before asking for a raise — asking for it now would look wildly premature and would not reflect well on you! So don’t do that.

The idea behind the 90-day review is to to check in on how things are going and give you some formal feedback about what’s going well and where — if anywhere — they’d like to see you do better. I’d just plan to go in ready to listen to their feedback, and ask for any additional feedback or guidance you think would be helpful. But this isn’t a salary review; it’s a check-in on how your work is going.

2. My coworker said I’d get to go to conference because I’m “a young, cute guy”

In today’s mail, we received an advertisement for a trade show that my company is an exhibitor at every year. I mentioned to a coworker that the city where it is being held looks like fun and that I hope I get to attend again this year. She replied, “Of course they’ll let you go, you’re a young, cute guy and those conferences are full of old women.” I stammered out some response like “Thank you, but I don’t think that’s true,” and then ran back to my office.

It has been bugging me ever since. My current role could easily be part-time, but the company committed to me and created the role for me. Because of that and my general knowledge of the company and industry I often assist marketing with events or even periodic customer visits. I have been second guessing all of that now but don’t know if I should go to my manager and just ask if what was said is true or if I should just try to ignore it and move on.

I think I do an excellent job and work hard, but I’m worried that my reputation at the company is something different. Not sure how to approach it with either my coworkers or my manager.

This is the other side of the letter earlier this week where a guy told his female coworker — who had just made a mistake — that it was a good thing she was pretty. This is good example of why those comments are so damaging; you’re now wondering about your actual value to your company.

I wouldn’t let one dumb comment throw you off though. Is there other evidence that backs up what your coworker said? What do you know about her judgment in general? I’d take this as a stupid one-off from someone with bad judgment in this regard, unless you have other reasons to be concerned.

3. I’m going to grad school right when my boss goes on maternity leave

I found out several weeks ago that I have been admitted for a graduate program. This program would provide me with the training that I need to start a career in a field that I truly love. I plan on accepting the admissions offer.

Simultaneously, my boss announced to our office last week that she’s pregnant. Her due date is right around the date that my graduate program begins. This wouldn’t be a problem except for the fact that she and I are the only two people on our team. If we both leave in August, as we’re currently scheduled to, there will be no one representing our team (and, equally importantly, the directors that we serve).

Is it possible in this situation to make a graceful exit? Should I give my two weeks notice now? I respect that someone new could be trained before my boss and I both leave, but I’m not sure how I can best honor the office’s needs and my own future plans.

Well, the choice isn’t between two weeks notice now and two weeks notice in August. If your employer is reasonable, you can tell them now that you’ll be leaving in August.

That said, does your employer have a history of pushing people out early when they give generous amounts of notice? If so, they’ve set things up so that you can’t really be safe giving more than a minimal amount of notice, unless you’re willing to be told to leave earlier than you planned. But assuming that that’s not the case, and that you have evidence that your employer is reasonable and appreciative of generous notice periods, yes, I’d let them know now what your plans are, so that they can plan accordingly. In addition to being obviously easier on them, it’s better for you too — because if you announce in August that you’re going to grad school, it’s going to be really obvious that you knew months beforehand and didn’t speak up, despite the situation with your boss, which is likely to sour the relationship.

4. How to greet a former employer who fired you

How should one communicate with a former employer who fired you, when you see them in public places? When I see them now, they are cold and or they hurry away. I have worked with them for over 20 years.

I’m guessing that they’re hurrying away out of discomfort — people sometimes don’t know how to behave in a situation like this. Which doesn’t make it okay, but it’s not an uncommon human flaw.

As for what to do, say hello and be pleasant, although of course if they’re hurrying away, you might not get to do more beyond a basic hello — but so be it if that’s their call. Their bad manners are no reason for you not to be civil, though — and you behaving civilly might demonstrate to them that indeed people can maintain cordial relations even after one has fired the other.

5. Am I entitled to copies of my time sheets?

I’m currently leaving my job and was wondering if my boss is obligated to give me my time sheets from the last year if I ask for them?

They’re not obligated to hand them over to you just because you ask. However, if you think you haven’t been paid for all the time you worked and you file a wage claim with the state, the state is likely to subpoena the time sheets.

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. My contact wants to charge me for a networking meeting

Is it normal for someone to charge a client for a networking meeting? I’m currently in the process of looking for a new job and setting up informational interviews with professionals in my chosen area. I emailed back and forth with one particular woman trying to set a time to meet, but kept getting responses from her that we needed to reschedule.

As a compromise, we agreed that I should email her my questions. I sent some typical questions I would ask anyone I meet for an info interview (volunteer opportunities, organizations to recommend, other people I should connect with). In response, I received an email from her saying that once again we would have to reschedule. In addition, she stated that because of her limited time, the only way for her to fit these kind of conversations in would be to charge for them.

Am I overreacting in thinking she should have been more upfront about this? I understand that time and information is valuable, but this is the first time I’ve encountered this request in (what I thought) was a more informal setting.

What! No, it’s not normal to charge for networking meetings! Some consultants do charge to spend some time picking their brains, but it’s rare for it to be for this kind of thing — and when that’s the case, it’s stated up-front; it shouldn’t only come out after multiple rescheduled plans to meet. I’d strongly suspect that she doesn’t actually normally charge for this (which is why she didn’t mention it earlier), but she mentioned it in a moment of frustration from feeling stretched too thin. But that frustration isn’t in any way your fault (from what I can see here); if she didn’t want to meet, she should have just told you that originally, or backed out apologetically once she did realize it. Announcing at this stage that oh, by the way, she’d be charging you for a meeting you quite reasonably thought was free is ridiculous.

2. My job isn’t what I was promised it would be

When I was hired for my current position, I was told my it would be mostly writing with some administrative duties. In reality, the job is minimal writing except for tasks that I’ve taken the initiative to come up with myself and mostly administrative…except it feels more like data entry than anything else. My boss is also a micromanager who wants extraneous information just for the sake of having it, which makes my job even more tedious.

When I was applying for jobs (right out of college), I had several other offers, but took this one based on the information I was given, which was for the most part inaccurate. I’ve become bitter and am beginning to lose my patience, but can’t quit as I have rent and other responsibilities. Is there anything I can do? I am actively looking for another job, but for the time being can I speak to my boss about the discrepancies and my unhappiness with the role?

Sure. I’d say something like this: “When I was hired for this job, we talked about it being most writing, with some admin duties. So far, the job has been about 90% admin without much writing. Can we talk about what changed, and whether there’s a way to reshape my work to look more like what we initially talked about?”

As always with these sorts of conversations, you will get the best results if your tone is calm and you don’t sound frustrated or angry. You want to sound concerned and in problem-solving mode, but not in complaint mode. Not that you’re not entitled to be frustrated; you are. But you’ll get better results this way.

3. I’m friends with the vendor who my coworkers badmouth

How do you handle coworkers bad mouthing a vendor for our office whom I am friends with? They all know this person is my friend (out of the office) yet they make comments like, “he’s an idiot,” or “when is his contract over with us?” All I can do is walk out of the room. At one time, it happened during a staff meeting and I had to sit and listen to them say these things. What can I say? Or do you have a better solution than to walk away?

Well, can you honestly present a different point of view? Or is their assessment pretty much accurate? If it’s basically accurate, there’s not much you can or should do; it’s awkward because he’s your friend, but they’re entitled to think poorly of his work. But if you think you have insight that would give them a different perspective, you could say that — like, “You know, I know he talks a lot and can be hard to get off the phone, but he’s actually really responsive to questions and has really been helpful to me in XYZ” or whatever.

4. Can you be fired for working while off the clock?

I work with a long-time (45 years) associate in retail in a large chain store in California. My fellow coworker clocked out for lunch, following the 5-hour rule that our company has, but stayed on the floor doing some recovery while waiting for a customer to return who she had been assisting for more than an hour. Our department manager approached her and asked what she was doing, and she explained the situation — that she wasn’t helping at the register and was doing some straightening while awaiting her customer so she could finish the sale with him. Our manager returned shortly, asked her to accompany him to the stockroom, and told her that it was a “final warning” that she can’t work through lunch. She took this to mean that she would be fired for this. Is it grounds for termination in California for working while clocked out?

Yes, absolutely. (And keep in mind you don’t need specific grounds for termination; you just can’t fire someone for a reason that’s explicitly illegal, like their race or in retaliation for reporting harassment.)

The reason that working while you’re clocked out is serious is that companies are required by law to pay you for all the time you spend working, whether you’re clocked in or not. And if it goes over 40 hours in a week, they must pay you overtime — again, whether you’re clocked in or not. You can’t waive that right. And if your coworker later decided to sue for back wages for the time she spent working while clocked out, she would win and your employer would be fined. So it’s entirely reasonable that they’re serious about making sure that people don’t work while clocked out — they can get in a lot of trouble over it otherwise.

Giving her a final warning over it is an overreaction, though, unless she’s been warned about this in the past (and maybe she has been).

5. Standing desks and meetings

There’s been a lot of talk recently about the new science relating major health issues (mortality, cancer, obesity, back pain, heart disease and fuzzy thinking, etc.) to sitting for many hours a day. I recently reconfigured my desk so that I can stand at it. Still, I am an outlier in my organization and feel a bit uncomfortable, especially when people come to meet with me in my office. Do you have any suggestions for how to still be seen as “professional” in an office desk job setting, while also minimizing sitting for my own health and well-being?

I want to tell you to just keep standing, but I can see how it could potentially create a weird dynamic if you’re towering over someone, particularly during a long conversation. Sitting down for short meetings with others is one option, obviously, but that might defeat the point, so I’m hoping readers will leave other thoughts in the comments section.