I sent chocolate to a hiring manager but haven’t heard back

by Alison Green on April 28, 2014

A reader writes:

I have applied for a job I would love to have. In attempts to stand out to the hiring manager, I sent my resume in with two bars of chocolate, a dark chocolate and a milk chocolate. I had read a Forbes article on creative ways to get a job interview, and one of the suggestions was to send chocolate (another I was toying with was to send your resume in a bottle, like a “message in a bottle”). Plus, I know the person is a woman and there is only a small percentage of women whom would not appreciate a bar, or two, of chocolate after lunch.

The next Monday, I sent HR my resume and cover letter, not mentioning the chocolate. That was three weeks ago. The job posting expired a week ago. I have tried calling HR, but I have yet to get ahold of anyone. Is my only option to sit and wait?

Yeah, although I would actually assume you’re not getting called and move on. That’s my advice with every job application, but it’s especially true here.

Forbes, I’m sorry to say, steered you wrong. Or rather, their columnist did. They might as well have told you to send a suspicious looking powder with your application.

Gimmicks like these hurt, not help, your chances. After all, think about it from the hiring manager’s perspective: This kind of thing makes it look like you don’t think you can stand on your qualifications and merit, like you don’t understand normal professional boundaries, and like you think you can bribe your way into a job. And it comes across as … well, a little cheesy.

What’s more, let’s say that you find the rare company who responds to gimmicks (turning off all the rest in the process). Guess what happens when you screen for that sort of employer? It doesn’t stop at the job offer — you’ll be working for someone who can’t separate flash from merit, which really sucks when it comes to raises, promotions, and assignments. Do you really want to work somewhere where those things go to whoever is the flashiest or schmoozes the most with the boss, rather than to the people who have earned them?

Look, I get that you want to stand out amid a sea of other candidates. But the way you do that is by (a) being a highly qualified candidate, (b) writing a great cover letter and having a strong resume, and (c) being friendly, responsive, thoughtful, and enthusiastic. In other words, the path to standing out doesn’t run through the Hershey’s counter.

(Your experience, by the way, is why I get so pissed off about self-proclaimed “career experts” giving out crappy advice like this. They’re directly harming people’s careers and ability to make a living, and it’s BS.)

Also: In general, it’s a good idea not to assume things about people based on what sex they are.

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what your internship manager wishes you knew

by Alison Green on April 28, 2014

College extracurricular activities and getting good grades are important, but one of the most important things that employers want to see on recent graduates’ resumes is work experience – which for most new grads often means internships. But simply doing an internship or two isn’t enough; you also need to impress while you’re there – and how to do that isn’t always intuitive when you’re new to the work world.

If you’re one of the many college students preparing to start a summer internship next month, here are eight pieces of advice that most managers of interns wish students arrived already knowing.

1. Working an internship is different than being in school. The rules and expectations for a job are different than what you might be used to in the classroom. In an internship, your work will impact people other than yourself, which means that it needs to be done well and done on time – whereas in school, slacking off only impacted you. Additionally, expectations and accountability tend to be higher, and employers tend to prefer employees who fit into their business culture (unlike in school, where individually is often rewarded).

2. This really does go on your permanent record. Part of the reason you’re doing an internship is to begin establishing your work track record, a professional reputation, and a professional network. The people you’re working with are the people who are going to be vouching for you to other employers in the future. That permanent record you heard about in high school but which never really seemed to materialize? Now it starts for real.

3. You might not use skills you learned in school, and that’s normal. Particularly if you’re a liberal arts major, much of what you learn in college is about teaching you how to think, rather than hard skills that you’ll be using on the job. If you go into an internship expecting it to directly relate to the classes you took, you might be disappointed. Instead, see it as an entirely new class, and don’t be shocked if it doesn’t reference too much from your academics. (On the other hand, you might find that it does build on your classes; it depends both on your line of study and on your internship.)

4. In fact, some things in your internship might be the opposite of what you learned in school. For instance, college often rewards lengthy explorations of a single topic. In the work world, though, shorter is nearly always better. Your manager will probably want you to quickly get to the point – providing the upshot and a few key points, rather than a lengthy paper. Another way work can be different is that in school, you’re often encouraged to pick a point of view and argue for it. At work, you’ll be expected to consider each side of an issue thoroughly and make a recommendation that account for the complete picture.

5. Part of the point of an internship is to get exposure to how things work in an office, and in your field specifically. Interns sometimes think that the learning component of an internship is confined to the specific projects they’re working. But often, far more learning happens simply by being in the office where you’re interning.

6. Effort is nice, but it’s not what matters. It’s great to try your best, of course, but it’s not the main measure by which your work will be judged. The quality of your work and the results you get are what matter most at work, not how hard you worked to produce them.

7. Getting feedback now will be less painful than getting it later. Part of the point of most internships is to learn how to function in an office, and that can mean a painful learning curve as you get used to a set of different norms. It can be embarrassing to be corrected on things like not paying attention in a meeting or using text-speak with a client, but it’s far better to get this feedback now as an intern – while the stakes are lower than they’ll be once you’re a regular, full-time employee.

8. Your internship gives you access to a network of people in the field you want to work in. Take advantage of it. Too often interns just quietly do their work and then end their internship without ever getting to know people in that organization. Instead, get to know the people you work with and build relationships with them! Talk to them about what they like and don’t like about their jobs, what they wish they knew at the start of their careers, and what you’re hoping to do after graduation. Most people will be happy to have these conversations with you and stay in touch after you return to school – but you need to put in the effort to make it happen.

I originally published this at U.S. News & World Report.

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my coworkers’ wives don’t want them to work with a woman, my manager won’t let me say goodbye to my clients, and more

by Alison Green on April 28, 2014

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. I’m resigning, and my manager won’t let me say goodbye to my clients

My last day at my job was yesterday, but in the days before I left, something kind of bothered me. I figured it would be common courtesy to email my clients letting them know that it has been a pleasure working with them. My manager, however, forbade me from doing this. My manager herself is the one letting my clients know that I am leaving (which I understand, as it’s more appropriate coming from a manager), but she is not allowing me to email them on my last day—only if they reach out to me first am I allowed to acknowledge my departure with them.

As upset as I was by this (as I work closely with my clients and felt that my manager was dictating my correspondences), I agreed not to email my clients. My managers state that the reason for this is so that the client does not freak out and think that our company is understaffed (but they already know I’m leaving, so why is a courtesy goodbye email harmful?) and because it’s just not the way things are done. In addittion, I cannot reach out to one of my two clients because apparently they were not aware that I was dually aligned to them and another client. This client only wanted people who were solely aligned to them—in other words, my company was not transparent/honest about my dual alignment and this made me feel that my work was being undermined. Is this normal for a manager to forbid correspondence between an employee and the client? And now that I’m gone, would it be unwise to email the client from my personal email, letting them know that it was a pleasure working with them? Even though my clients knew I was leaving (they did not email me a goodbye, by the way), I felt that I should have reached out to them.

This isn’t that uncommon. Employers often want to control the messaging to clients when an employee leaves, partly because they want to simultaneously assure them that their work remains in good hands. Sometimes it’s also because they don’t want the exiting employee taking clients with them, although if that’s the case, they should have already had you sign an agreement to that effect.

Once you’re gone, your employer can’t control what you do (assuming there’s no agreement to the contrary), as long as you didn’t take client lists with you or otherwise violate a trade secrets agreement. That said, unless you had a close relationship with these clients and may have reason to care about that relationship with them in the future, it might not be worth stirring the pot on this.

2. What happened in this salary negotiation?

I applied for a job in my current field, was contacted by the hiring manager, stated my salary requirement, and the hiring manager said, “Okay.” One week and two interviews later, the hiring manager called to make an offer but first asked if we ever talked about compensation. She remembered that I said I wanted a 10% increase but didn’t know my current salary. I told her it was on the application. She said she didn’t see it, and then she found it while we were talking. She then explained the salary is almost 30% less than what I stated I was looking for…no range, just a number. She said they were prepared to make an offer but would understand if I can’t take such a large pay cut. She asked if I wanted to think about it over the weekend and let her know Monday; I said I would.

Umm, what the hell just happened? Is this just the result of the hiring manager not knowing where to look for current salary on their application and not asking “10% of what?” during our first conversation? Am I supposed to counter? It sucks because the team/the job seem like they would be a great fit for me…at the salary I quoted, maybe a bit less, but nowhere near 30% less.

Well, I think there were mistakes on both sides here. You said you were looking for 10% more than your current salary, but didn’t mention what your current salary was. Yes, it was on your application, but many hiring managers don’t look at all the crap that their HR-imposed application systems might ask for; they just look at your resume and other basics. Now, when you initially said you were looking for an increase of 10%, she should have clarified 10% of what. But she may have assumed that you were basically in the range she sees as normal for that work, and not bothered to check. (That’s more her mistake than yours, but by using that framing, you introduced room for it.) For what it’s worth, you were also a little coy in the second conversation — with the telling her look at the application rather than just telling her outright what number you’re looking for. So you’re both being a little weird, although her more so.

In any case, you can certainly counter with something closer to what you’re looking for, but the odds are making up a 30% difference are usually pretty low.

3. Explaining gaps on my resume from moving for my spouse’s job

I have a problem that’s come up a few times in the course of job hunting. I have a few gaps in my employment due to moving for my spouse’s career. When interviewers ask me, “Why did you leave this job?” it puts me in an awkward position. I struggle with how to answer this.

I know it’s common enough, as many people move for a spouse or significant other, but I worry that I will be judged for putting my personal life before my professional life (i.e., they will think I should have stayed at my last position until I found something in the new location). I feel like its unprofessional to bring my personal life and decisions into the interview. On the other hand, it’s the truth. Is there a preferred way to answer this in the hiring process? Is there a stigma attached?

It’s true that you don’t normally want to bring your personal life into an interview, but in this case it’s directly relevant: You moved because of your spouse’s career, and you should just explain that. They’re not going to be concerned that you didn’t stay in your old job in your old location until you found something new (that’s not an expectation when you’re moving). Employers don’t judge gaps as if having a gap is inherently bad. They simply want to know the cause for the gap. You have a perfectly understandable explanation.

4. My coworkers’ wives don’t want them to work with a woman

I work for a gas company. I work shift work, and there are two guys who will not work with me because their wives said they’re not allowed. They even looked up my picture on the company laptop to show their wives. I think this is totally wrong and I’m not sure how to handle it. I am the only woman in this job and feel very uncomfortable. What do you suggest I do?

Hell, yes, that’s wrong, and your company needs to deal with it. Your company needs to explain to these guys that they don’t make staffing assignments on the basis of sex, and that they’re expected to work with employees of any sex, just like they’re also expected to work with employees of any race, religion, etc. They also need to ensure that your work environment isn’t made unpleasant as a result of these guys or their wives, and they possibly need to send these guys in a time machine back to whatever year they came from.

A gas company is big enough to have an HR department. Go there and report this.

5. My manager lets some people have more sick days than others

At my job, there is a policy of only allowing 1.2 sick days in a rolling 12-month period. My manager is flexible on this policy with some employees but not others. Is this legal? I have missed 2 days, both with doctor’s excuses, and I am being written up, even though there are other employees with up to 5 missed days with no action taken. I feel that this is discrimination, and I don’t know how to handle this situation and what to say to my boss concerning the unfairness of her actions. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

First, the legality: It’s legal as long as the decisions aren’t being based on race, sex, religion, or other protected categories. That said, even when the decisions aren’t being made based on those categories, it’s usually wise to avoid that kind of thing because it can inadvertently appear to be based on those factors, which can lead to a legal problem for the company if they can’t disprove that. (However, there are also lots of legitimate reasons for this kind of disparate treatment, beyond whim or favoritism — like favoring higher performers, or people who are more reliable, or people at a more senior level.)

As for what to do: Why not ask your manager directly? Not in an accusatory way, but in a seeking-to-understand way. For instance: “Jane, I realize the written policy says 1.2 days, but my understanding is that it hasn’t been regularly enforced and that people have been able to take several additional days beyond that, so I thought there was some flexibility. Can you help me understand how this is handled?”

Also, 1.2 sick days in a year is really stingy.

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I don’t want to say hello to my horrible coworker, we get comp time that we can’t take, and more

by Alison Green on April 26, 2014

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. We get comp time that we can’t really take

In my company, most employees are required to work much more than a standard 40-hour work week (for the sake of this example, we’re all exempt). We have many weekend and evening events, and employees work the traditional 9-5 in addition to that. Most employees voluntarily put in 2-3 extra hours of work a day on days without events, just because that’s what it takes to get the job done – no biggie.

For weekend events and engagements, we get half a day of comp time if we work a full weekend day, and one full day of comp time if we work two full weekend days in the same weekend (if we work a few hours on a weekend…if the event doesn’t last 8 hours…we don’t get any comp time). We are supposed to use the comp time the following week, or we lose it. Personally, I think this is a terrible practice, but that’s an argument for another thread. This has resulted in many employees working 14, 21, 28, even 30+ days straight, without using any comp time, since many of our weekend events happen back to back and there’s simply no way to take comp time and still get the job done (especially when it comes to events; they are happening on a certain day and time no matter what). The number of hours that this equates to is pretty crazy.

We are a nonprofit, so salaries are not very high at all (above the minimum threshold for exempt, but not by much for some people). We’ll never make a lot of money, but that’s not why we do what we do. However, I’m curious to know if we took our salaries, and converted them to hourly, if we wouldn’t even be making minimum wage. Are there any protections for exempt, salaried employees when it comes to an hourly wage? Or are exempt, salaried employees just expected to do whatever work is necessary to get the job done, no matter how many hours it takes?

Yeah, that’s a horrible practice, and you all should band together as a group and argue for it being changed, pointing out what you pointed out here.

If you’re truly exempt, the only salary test is that you must be paid at least $23,600 a year. Even if you’re working so many hours that your salary ends up paying you less than minimum wage per hour, that’s legal — if you’re truly exempt. (Exempt means “exempt from the Fair Labor Standards Act,” which includes minimum wage.) I keep saying “if you’re truly exempt” because lots of people are incorrectly categorized that way, and if your company has everyone classified like that, there’s a good chance they got it wrong with at least some of you.

Regardless though, deal with this as a group and insist on the comp time policy being changed.

2. Do I really have to say hello and goodbye to my horrible coworker?

Where I work, there is one particular coworker who always seems to go off and scream/throw a tantrum at me if I don’t respond in the way she wants me to. I’ve never neglected to give her the information she needs to do her job and I do mine to the best of my ability. However, I’d just prefer to leave her alone due to her hot-headedness. To this end, I really don’t speak to her at all. I don’t snub her, I just really have nothing to say to her. She, though, sees it differently and is trying to say there is an issue with shift change (I always give her any information she needs via email or instant messaging) and has begun making sure she ALWAYS says goodbye to me.

Why is it so important that I acknowledge her? Is it wrong that I don’t respond? I feel like I’m dealing with a ticking time bomb; I don’t know if or when it will go off! A couple of my friends and my family keep saying it’s “unwritten policy” and you should always “be polite” and greet/acknowledge people — they say she will use it against me and get me terminated via a loophole of “not doing my job/creating a hostile work environment.” I feel she’s the one creating the uncomfortable workplace. Where do I draw the line or get help? Is it ok for me to ignore her, I guess is my bottom line?

No. You don’t need to have long conversations with her, but you do need to acknowledge her. Otherwise, you’ll be seen as the problem, when people notice that you’re refusing to say hello or goodbye to her. (Your friends are wrong that this is a hostile workplace issue; that requires discrimination based on something like race, religion, sex, etc., not just pure hostility. But they’re right that you’ll look bad if you’re freezing out a coworker.)

3. I’m getting interview questions that seem overly advanced

I have been on several interviews (phone and in-person) for entry-level email marketing roles. I understand that email marketing is a specialization, but given these are entry-level roles (0-2 years of relevant experience), the questions they’ve asked do not seem entry-level. I don’t want to lie and say I’ve worked on projects, but I’m getting stuck on the interviews.

For example: “Give me an example of an email campaign that you’ve worked on the past. What types of metrics did you look at? What would you have done differently? What are some of the biggest trends in the industry? If I gave you a campaign to run with the idea of ‘summer,’ what are some initial subject lines you would use? Give me 3 or 4 examples. Can you explain A/B testing? What’s an example of A/B testing that you could use at our company?”

For some background information, I’ve had approximately 2 years of nonprofit work experience in recruiting/internal communications with limited email marketing experience (intern-level projects). I’m looking to make a career transition to email marketing, but I’m getting frustrated by the level of detail these questions are targeting. Again, I don’t want to lie and say I’ve more experience than I actually do, but I’m getting stuck on the interviews. Please advise!

I think what you’re hearing in these questions is that they’re looking for someone who has at least some exposure to email marketing (so it’s not truly entry-level in the sense that it would be a first job) and some familiarity with basic email marketing concepts. But the questions you’re listing here actually aren’t outrageously advanced; they do assume that you’ve worked on email campaigns in some capacity — which you have, even if only as intern — but they’re just asking you to talk about the basics. Given the role, I don’t think it’s crazy that they’d want you to be able to demonstrate ideas for email campaigns or an A/B test and to talk with some familiarity about metrics like open rates and click-throughs. If you don’t feel prepared to do that yet, then I think the message is that you’ve got to read up on the field you’re trying to move into — and doing that should equip you to better answer these kinds of questions.

4. Applying for a job at a company where I used to intern

Several years ago, I interned for a summer at a company and had a good relationship with my manager at the time. I went back to school and reached out to her as a reference the following year, and she provided one and I thanked her and then… I haven’t reached out to her since. Until now, when I am going to apply for a job at the place where I interned and where she still works. I would feel weird applying without telling her, but I can’t figure out a way to email that sounds normal and not like I am trying to get extra points or go around the system, and it is particularly awkward because I was terrible at networking and didn’t contact her for years until now. So, do you have any advice for how to reach out to her?

This isn’t a big deal — don’t beat yourself up or feel weird about reaching out to her now just because you haven’t been in contact previously. This happens all the time. Apply (and mention right at the start in your cover letter that you used to intern there — you don’t want them to miss that), and then send your old manager an email being straightforward about it. As in: “Hi, Jane! I wanted to let you know that I’m applying for the __ position at XYZ. I have the experience in ___ that it sounds like they’re looking for, and I’d be so excited to have the chance to work there again, as I was so impressed with everyone when I interned. I’m sure the position will attract loads of great applicants, but I’d be thrilled to be considered if I might be what the ABC department is looking for. In any case, I hope you’re well, and I would love to catch up sometime!”

(Note this is written as if the job isn’t on her team; if it is, then adjust the wording accordingly.)

5. How should I fit two internships on my resume?

I am going through a yearly resume update and I need your help. I’ve worked for my current employer for 5 years. In that time, I’ve had 4 different jobs. Needless to say, this takes up a lot of real estate on my resume. I was lucky enough to be selected to do two management internships in my organization, one for a month and one for three months. I have no idea how to list them without taking up way too much space. Right now my basic format is:

Job Title–Employer–Dates
Short job description (1-2 sentences)
Accomplishment
Accomplishment
Accomplishment

I’ve used this format for all of the individual jobs I’ve held with them. As you can see, it takes up a lot of space. How should I list my internships? As bullet accomplishments in my current job? Is it ok to list them in bullet points but mention accomplishments in a cover letter? I’m sure you’re thinking there isn’t much to accomplish in one or three months, but I feel there are things worth including if possible.

You don’t even need a separate area for the short job description before you get into accomplishments; you can do it all as bullet points in the same list. (And you might not need an overall description at all, aside from the accomplishments — hard to say for sure without seeing it, but that’s often the case.) But as for those internships, at one month and three months, I am indeed skeptical that you had enough accomplishments to warrant more than 1-2 lines for each position. If you disagree, let’s talk specifics in the comment section — write in with what you’d like to include and we can figure out what makes sense.

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my boss won’t let me come up with new ideas

by Alison Green on April 25, 2014

This was originally published on May 6, 2009.

A reader writes:

I am a dreamer. I have lots of ideas and I can see the big picture easily. While in school I wrote articles and presented at conferences, but was met with lots of frustration with the people I was sharing my ideas with because I obviously didn’t know how to fit my improvements into their job. Most complained they were too busy or too bogged down to really implement anything I dreamed. I took a job 2 years ago to gain in-the-trenches experience and really implement my ideas.

The company I work for misrepresented themselves in the interview. While I get to work on many projects, I’m managing other people’s ideas and am never given the freedom to implement my own. My boss has reined me in, limiting what areas I can suggest improvements for and now who I can talk to. (When I talk to employees similar to my age, we tend to come up with many ideas but are told that the company can not do them for various different reasons. My boss suggests I not talk with these individuals because then I wouldn’t have as many ideas.)

While I find the professional experiences I’ve gained here very valuable, I’m miserable. However, with the economy the way it is, I’m afraid to apply for new jobs because I’ve not lost mine, I’m just unhappy. Last year, I was hospitalized for stress-related pain and I’m frightened to apply for a job and lose the health benefits and trust I’ve built at my current job. What advice do you have?

Without hearing your manager’s perspective, it’s hard to know exactly what’s going on here. There are a few possibilities:

1. You are coming up with good ideas and your boss is shooting them down for reasons that aren’t legitimate — he’s lazy, he doesn’t like change, he feels threatened by ideas that aren’t his own, he takes new ideas as criticism of his own way of doing things, etc.

2. You are coming up with good ideas and your boss is shooting them down for reasons that are legitimate — for instance, the ideas would require putting time and resources into areas that aren’t priorities for the company right now and would pull them away from areas that are.

3. You are coming up ideas that actually aren’t that great or that simply aren’t good fits for the company.

I have no idea which of these three it is. I’ve worked with bosses who were horrible roadblocks to change and they eventually drove off all creative staffers who got tired of hearing “no” all the time. I’ve worked with people who had fantastic ideas and we still couldn’t implement all of them, for legitimate reasons (although we implemented quite a few). I’ve worked with people who had a flow of ideas so constant that it did become annoying, because while fresh ideas are great, it can’t get to the point that it’s disrupting people’s ability to get their work done. And I’ve worked with people who saw themselves as visionaries but most of their ideas were terrible, and they sulked and sulked because their terrible ideas weren’t used, and I’m sure they’re out there right now complaining about how their brilliance was unappreciated.

Good managers encourage fresh thinking and create a welcoming environment for new ideas. If they don’t, people stop making any suggestions, and that’s bad. If your boss is doing that across the board, he’s a bad manager. But if he’s only doing it with you, it points to a problem between the two of you. (Although if he has concerns specific to you and hasn’t raised them candidly, he’s also a bad manager.)

Anyway, here’s what we do know: The fact that your boss is limiting the areas you can suggest improvements in says that, at a minimum, he wants you to stop spending time this way. I think we can be sure that, if nothing else, you’re annoying the crap out of your boss.

If you want to stay at this job and do reasonably well (at least while you’re under him), you’ll need to change your approach. You can either rein it in, or you can tackle it more head-on. That would mean sitting down with your boss and saying, “Hey, I definitely get that you want me to make fewer suggestions for change. Can you give me some feedback so that I’m on the same page as you about this? Were my ideas just not that good, or were they potentially good but not areas we want to be focusing right now, or something else? I’m open to whatever the answer is.”

This will give you interesting information. Be open to whatever he says, even if you ultimately decide you disagree with him.

If you do decide to look for a new job, keep in mind that in many fields, it’s pretty hard to find a job that’s built around being an idea man/woman. Not in all fields, but many. And often getting that kind of job requires getting more experience first. If you can do it, great. But if you look and you’re not finding what you want, be open to the idea that your expectations aren’t in line with the reality of the type of work you do. At that point, you might consider other types of work that would fulfill those expectations or even working for yourself (where no one gets to block your ideas).

Good luck!

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open thread – April 25, 2014

by Alison Green on April 25, 2014

IMG_2250It’s the Friday open thread!

The comment section on this post is open for discussion with other readers on anything you want to talk about. If you want an answer from me, emailing me is still your best bet, but this is a chance to talk to other readers.

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my boss didn’t talk to me directly about a new project, I feel like I’m enabling a bad boss, and more

by Alison Green on April 25, 2014

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. I’m upset that my boss didn’t talk to me directly about a new project

I was hoping you could tell me if it would be reasonable to “confront” my boss regarding this situation (maybe “confront” is too strong a word). Yesterday, I received an email from him, which was not evenly directly addressing me. Clearly, he has been communicating with teams from others offices regarding a new project. And at some point, he just added me to the long thread of emails which has been going on for about 3 weeks, obviously expecting me to backtrack the stuff and figure out with it was all about myself. Today, some people from these teams came to our office to kick off the project and naturally expected me to be in it. They even sent me emails with information regarding how to work with their stuff, etc. So it looks like my boss did tell them I was going to be involved, but never said a word to me, not even via email, except for the one time today when he sent me a direct email saying the teams were going to a hockey game, asking if I would be interested to join them!

I loved hockey, but I said “no thanks” because I was feeling extremely upset at him. It was not because they dropped a “surprise bomb” on me, as it didn’t take much to figure out what was going to happen reading the forwarded emails.

But don’t you think I at least deserve some in-person briefing? Something like “Hey, we are doing this new project, and you could be in it” is all that is needed, right? Can I say something to my boss? Or is this overreacting and I should just shut up and move on? Why do you think he did this? It really made me feel like he wasn’t exactly taking me seriously or treating me with any respect. (I am a new grad, which made me feel very bad!)

Whoa. No, you should not say something to your boss about this, and you should not have hurt feelings over it! Hurt feelings have no place here.

Your boss is busy, he cc’d you when he realized that he needed to get you into the loop, and he expects that you’ll take the time to read the context provided in the email chain and figure it out (and ask him if you read through it and still have questions). He’s assuming you’re self-sufficient; it’s pretty normal. What you’re asking for is more coddling than is reasonable to expect in a professional job. Your boss isn’t there to hand-hold you; you’re there to make his job easier, so if you can do something for yourself, he expects you to. (And he gave you your heads up that you’d be pulled into new projects when he hired you; from your start date onward, it’s assumed this will be something that happens.)

2. I feel like I’m enabling a bad boss by not speaking up

I have a terrible boss. I am a mid-career executive assistant to the Big Boss of my organization. I’ve made a career out of being a capable and conscientious assistant, and really like the variety of projects that working for a big boss offers. That said, this guy is really bad. He is a relentless gossip about underlings many layers below him, he is moody, he takes things personally, and plays both favorites and not-favorites, the not-favorites often made to feel entrapped and anxious until they leave. It’s gotten to where there is actually speculation (to the point of behavior being modified) that he’s bugged the office.

Okay, so I know from experience, and from reading your blog, that one should basically keep a happy face about the boss/organization one is leaving to said boss, AND to any potential future employers. At what point does one’s personal integrity come into play enabling a really toxic employer; particularly one that is at the tippy-top of the organization? I’m struggling with this a lot as I look at potential opportunities. Really, this guy is bad. Do I leave and tell him how swell he’s been? Do I tell interviewers how swell he’s been? My sense is yes, I do both, but that leaves me feeling like I’m enabling an abuser!

You don’t tell interviewers, because doing so will reflect badly on you, by making you look indiscreet. But if you have the sort of relationship with your boss that allows you to speak some degree of truth to him — and if you’re willing to risk the relationship — you could certainly let him know when you’re leaving. You’d need to do this in a civil way (“I care about our work, and I think you’d want to understand how some of this is being experienced”), not in an F-you way.

You’re under no obligation to do this, of course, but if you’re highly competent and therefore credible with him, sometimes this kind of message does make a difference. Just know that it does come with risk to your future references, etc.

3. Laughing or gasping to myself in an open office plan

I have something that’s between an endearing quirk and an involuntary tic — when I read something amusing, in an email or in another work-related document, I react out loud, usually a quick giggle or a gasp between me and my monitor. I have about two of these outbursts a day, at conversation level of noise or below in an open plan office. I otherwise try to be realistic about space and noise recognizing that I want to respect others.

These reactions are borderline involuntary, if not genetic (my dad, great-grandma and even my six-year-old cousin do the same thing.) But I think they might be a little weird and give the wrong professional impression. What do you think I should do about it?

I wouldn’t worry about the occasional laugh; I think that’s pretty normal, and I doubt anyone around you notices or cares. Gasps are potentially a little more disruptive, in that people recognize it as a “something’s wrong” signal, so if there’s any voluntariness about that, I’d try to rein it in if you can. But if you can’t, I wouldn’t worry about it.

4. What should I say when I answer the phone?

I’m a college student who recently started applying for internships/jobs. I have one small issue that I’m definitely overthinking, but I’d love your input. I haven’t received a phone call from an unknown caller since I left home. My mom trained me to answer the phone with “Stark residence, this is Sansa speaking” and my workplaces have tended to use something like “Thanks for calling Winterfell, this is Sansa”, but I can’t figure out any way to adjust those templates for my personal cell. I’ve tried out various things — “Hello, this is Sansa”, “Sansa Stark speaking”, etc, and they all just feel really awkward. As I said, I know I’m way overthinking it, but I hate starting off a phone interview already feeling off-kilter. Any advice?

When I’m expecting a work-related call, I answer the phone with “This is Alison.” I don’t love it, but I like it better than any of the alternatives.

5. Passing along a helpful resource to an interviewer

I recently interviewed for a job that I think I’m perfect for. I have not yet heard back from them, so my status is still pending. During the job interview, my interviewer (and would-be supervisor) spoke to me about how they’re looking to revamp their website and newsletters and wish to increase donor support. After the interview, I attended a webinar that covered precisely this topic. I now have a PDF of the slides from the webinar that contain statistics on the type of information donors seek on websites, how to get donors to actually read your newsletters, and what sorts of stories in newsletters tend to inspire donors to give.

I had thoughts of sharing this PDF with my interviewer, but I don’t know if it’s appropriate. Whether he chooses me for the job or someone else, I think it would be really helpful to them and help guide them on their endeavors. I don’t intend to be a kiss-ass, but I’m worried that’s how I’ll come off. What do you think?

Sure, that’s totally fine to do. Just make sure that the slides are really good and not the kind of stuff that’s easily available all over the internet with a quick search. You’ll be framing it as meeting enough of a high bar that you thought it worth passing along, and so you want to make sure that it is truly high quality stuff.

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update: my rude and intrusive coworker makes me feel horrible

by Alison Green on April 24, 2014

Remember the letter-writer last year whose coworker kept making rude personal comments, like “you’re gonna get fat” when she ate a piece of pie and “your boobs hang out of your shirts like the girls on The Bachelor”? And then when apologizing, said, ““I’m sorry I said that, but it’s kind of true”? Well, exactly one year after her letter was printed here, here’s the update.

As of yesterday, I have accepted a new position at a new organization (transitioning from corporate to government). I applied to this job back in December, with the help of AAM. There was one main reason I applied to this job: to get away from this coworker.

Things had gotten better after I sent in my question, but I got engaged near the end of 2013 and when my engagement was announced in a meeting, this coworker said “Well, that’s if Mark will still marry her in a few months’ time” and later that day asked if I just convinced him to marry me because I was pregnant (I was not and still am not pregnant). A few coworkers scoffed at her comments and told her to stop being such a fun stealer, but no one (including managers) actually did anything about it. Also, in the following weeks, I found out that the two people in my job previously left because of this coworker.

Once I had my first interview at my new job, this coworker actually put in her 6 months retirement notice! Hooray! As the weeks progressed and I went on more interviews and was still berated at work by her, I was offered the job and have accepted (in writing, with a start date). I will now have to put my 3 weeks notice into my current job. I really do love my current company and the other people. I’ve learned so much and only have great things to say about the company itself, but it’s a shame they’re losing a good employee because of another sour employee. With that said, I realize sour employees can happen anywhere, including at my new position, but there were also secondary reasons why I went with the new job, such as a slight pay increase and better hours and the fact that it’s time for something new, but this particular coworker did spur my initial job search.

Thanks again to AAM, this site has been like my workplace mentor to help me navigate the working world!

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our museum volunteer is out of control

by Alison Green on April 24, 2014

A reader writes:

I am the executive director of a small museum and manage five part-time staff members. During my time here we have added several staff positions and worked to become more professional, creating employee policies and working to follow industry standards and museum best practices in all aspects of work – including collections care. We have a large archive and artifact collection and continue to take more donations in daily.

One staff position that was added in the last year was a collections manager, whose job it is to work with existing and incoming collections. The person hired for the position, Jean, has the type of education and experience needed for the job and a strict view of museum best practices. However, there is a huge personality conflict between her and the previous collections manager, Steve, who has been with the organization for 13 years and has a strong background in archives management. He served as a part-time staff member for 11 years and then gave up his pay two years ago to help with the organization’s budget, becoming technically a volunteer but keeping the same hours. During his time with the organization, he basically started the collections from scratch, developing his own paperwork and numbering system. Jean is my direct report, but Steve has no manager – I have been instructed by the board to not manage him, and he doesn’t report to them either.

Steve keeps expressing his intent to retire, and has “officially retired” several times in the past few years. Since he loves the work and cares about the organization so much, this is difficult for Steve and he always returns within the month, picking up as though he had never retired. My intent with hiring the new collections manager was that they would split the load, with Steve focusing more on archives and Jean focusing more on artifacts, thus allowing Steve to work less hours and semi-retire. However, this is complicated by several factors and didn’t really work out. Steve has some of our collections at his home, and continues to solicit artifact donations and officially accept them without first consulting Jean. He tends to stop in at the museum and work when Jean isn’t here, and lack of communication is a big problem between them. But the main problem boils down to the fact that Jean is frustrated at Steve’s lack of adherence to museum best practices, and Steve is frustrated at Jean’s strict manner, and doesn’t always agree with what Jean accepts or doesn’t accept for the collections.

The problems seem to be escalating quickly over the last few weeks, as Steve becomes more and more frustrated with Jean and oversteps boundaries (dictating the work of staff he doesn’t manage, rearranging others’ furniture and office supplies non-stop, and continuing to accept objects without letting anyone else know). It’s a difficult situation because he has been such an integral part of the organization for so long. Also, we cannot afford to lose the rapport he has built with our donors or his knowledge of our community’s history and our existing collections. But I do want us to continue moving towards best practices, and I am happy with the professional way Jean handles the collections.

At this point, I have discussed the issues with the board co-presidents, along with the committee in charge of collections. The best option we’ve come up with is to bring in a mediator to sit down with Steve and Jean and open up communication between them about these issues. Do you have any other insights or ideas? If we bring in a mediator, we are looking at one of the board members with a background in mediation. Would it be better to bring in an outside party? Should it just be the three of them meeting, or should I or one of the co-presidents also attend?

No, no, please don’t do this!

If I were Jean, I’d be pissed as hell that you were handling it this way — as opposed to deciding how you wanted things to work and then conveying that to Steve and Jean. Certainly pissed enough to be majorly demoralized, and possibly pissed enough to consider leaving. You’d essentially be saying, “We’re not willing to make the decisions or have the tough conversations that are part of our job, and so rather than figuring out the right thing to do here, instead we’re going to let you and Steve duke it out. Good luck!” That’s the opposite of how you retain good employees, and it’s the opposite of how you should be making decisions.

I understand that don’t want to lose the rapport that Steve has with your donors or his institutional knowledge … but you are going to lose those things at some point, either when Steve retires or passes away or decides to take on some other interest. You’re far better off having a carefully managed transition now, while you can do it deliberately, than scrambling to figure it out when the timing is outside of your control.

Right now, you’re being held hostage to fear of upsetting Steve. And while it’s very nice that Steve has worked without pay for two years, as well as given the organization 13 years in total, that does not buy him the right to control what happens there. You still need to do what’s in the best interests of the museum, and if Steve doesn’t want to play along with that, then Steve is no longer acting in the best interests of the museum, and that makes it all the more imperative that the situation change ASAP.

Someone — probably you, but maybe you with a board member, depending on the dynamics, since Steve is manager-less and unpaid — needs to sit down with Steve and talk to him about how things need to change. This isn’t a conversation to scold him; it’s simply bringing him up-to-date on how things are changing now that Jean is on board. I get that you’re concerned about alienating him, but if he’s as committed to the organization as it sounds like he is, you can appeal to his sense of what’s best for the museum and explain why it’s necessary to change the processes that used to work but no longer are optimal for the situation. Be explicit that you’re grateful for everything he’s given the organization, but the museum has a different set of needs now, and you need his help in meeting those needs.

Things that should come out of the conversation:

* Steve needs to return the collections he has at home to the museum. Ask him to work with you to get everything returned within the next, say, 30 days. Offer help to make this easy on him, like hiring movers if needed. Explain why this is necessary (for instance, that if something were to happen to Steve, the museum’s property would be in limbo … or perhaps that insurers or auditors — who are a convenient bad guy in lots of situations — have told you that you need to do it).

* Steve needs to respect the boundaries of his role in respect to the museum’s staff. He can’t rearrange other people’s space, give direction to other staff members, or accept new objects for your collection without going through whatever process you have set up for that.

* You need to begin transitioning donor relationships to current museum staff. (Again, you will need to do this at some point in the future anyway, and you are better off doing it in an organized way, rather than in chaos when you eventually have no choice.)

* Steve needs to coordinate with Jean (or you) about his intended schedule going forward, so that people know what work and hours they can and can’t expect of him.

* Explain to Steve that he’s a hugely valued contributor to the museum’s work, and you hope he can work with you happily within these guidelines. (The subtext, which you might end up needing to say explicitly is: If he’s not willing to work within these guidelines, then you will have to handle this just like you would with any other employee, meaning that you’ll need to part ways.)

Before you have this conversation, you need to get aligned with your board about it, especially since they’ve directed you not to manage Steve (!!). You might also point out to them that having a rogue volunteer who isn’t accountable to anyone is what’s caused this, and that you need to avoid setting up something similar in the future. You also need to make sure that they’re going to have a backbone on this, so that they’re not undermining you if Steve takes this to them.

And if your board refuses to back this approach, at least don’t let the mediator idea move forward. That will reinforce to Steve that he has virtually unlimited power to do what he wants (since no one will directly tell him to stop, to the point that you’re using a mediator instead of making decisions and holding him to those), and it will send a horrible signal to poor Jean.

Read multiple updates to this letter here.

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how to give presentations that won’t put people to sleep – even if you’re shy

by Alison Green on April 24, 2014

If you seize up with fear at the thought of giving a presentation to a group of people, you have plenty of company. And if you’re shy or otherwise not a “natural public speaker,” the prospect of having to command a room might feel especially daunting. But many before you have conquered those fears and even gone on to become engaging speakers, and you can too. Here are eight tips to help you do it.

1. First and foremost: Practice, practice, practice. When you see smooth, well-timed, engaged presentations, it’s almost always because the presenter has practiced and rehearsed over and over. Practicing out loud, repeatedly, is key; the more times you practice, the better you’ll know the material and the more accustomed you’ll be to the flow the presentation overall. There’s no such thing as preparing too much in this context, only preparing too little.

2. Pay special attention to the start and end. You probably know the substance of what you want to talk about pretty well – the middle – but figuring out how to start and end can be trickier. So while you should practice the whole thing, be particularly sure that you have can do the start and end in your sleep.

3. Video-record your presentation and study it. This might be excruciating the first time you do it, but it will help you spot verbal and non-verbal tics that could be detracting from your effectiveness or things you need to correct to appear more polished. Alternately, the next best thing is to ask a trusted friend or colleague to give you candid feedback – but nothing beats seeing yourself in video for spotting where you can tweak your presentation.

4. Still not comfortable? Fake it. Think of a presenter who you admire – someone who seems confident and in command of the room – and emulate their approach. (Take a look at Amy Cuddy’s fantastic TED talk, “How Your Body Language Shapes Who You Are,” for more on why this works and how to do it.)

5. Pretend you’re talking to one person. You’re probably a lot more comfortable with one-on-one conversations, so pretend you’re having on! Find an interested face in the audience, and talk directly to that person. Then, after a while, switch to another. You’ll find that you’re more engaged and probably more at ease – and will probably give a better talk. Relatedly…

6. Find ways to interact with your audience. Presentations are extra nerve-wracking if you let them feel like a monologue rather than a conversation. So find ways to build in audience interaction, like asking for a show of hands on a particular point or having people engage in a short activity. You’ll get better engagement from your audience, and you’ll feel better seeing that people are listening and responding.

7. Remember that you’re the most knowledgeable person in the room on what you’re presenting about – or at least people think you are. You were asked to present for a reason, and simply being the one who’s at the front of the room talking gives you some automatic authority in your audience’s eyes.

8. Don’t sacrifice authenticity in the pursuit of polish. The most interesting speakers aren’t necessary perfectly polished. Plenty of them are eccentric, or goofy, or even nerdy. What they have in common is passion about their subject and an ability to convey information. So don’t strive to be a generically polished speaker; it’s okay to show some personality (especially if your personality is one that’s geeking out about your topic!).

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