Ask a Manager

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. My coworker assumes I’ll always give her a ride home

This may seem like a petty complaint, but it is something I end up stewing over every week. I have been at my current position for a little over three months. I was able to get my foot in the door thanks to “Amanda.” I love my job and love my coworkers.

Before I started, Amanda always took the bus home, or got a ride with Suzanne. The three of us all live in the same area, fairly close to each other. Amanda and Suzanne work until 4 pm (earlier start time than me) and I am here until 5 pm. Well, for the past month and a half, Amanda now stays until 5 pm and just leaves with me. It’s always assumed that I will give her a ride, since she lives so close. The thing is, I have to pick up my two children from daycare by a certain time. Giving Amanda a ride home daily erases the 5-minute window I have to stop at the store to grab milk and it can make me cut it very close for time if the weather is bad. Plus, the ride home was my one quiet time of the day, where I could crank up my music, not have to talk to anyone and could decompress. It is really starting to annoy me. Amanda has never once offered gas money or asked if I mind driving her. She lives literally 2 blocks from me, but it’s really affecting my routine.

How do I deal with this? I like Amanda a lot, and I am grateful for her help getting my new job, but I don’t want to feel obligated to be someone’s chauffeur.

You deal with it by speaking up! It’s not at all fair to Amanda to be stewing about this and not letting her know. The daycare cut-off time gives you a really easy explanation, too: “I’ve been cutting it too close with the daycare pick-up, so I need to stop dropping you off in the evenings.” If you didn’t have the easy out of daycare, you could instead attribute it to errand-running or other commitments, or even just needing to decompress before getting home to family.

2. I’m being singled out for being tardy

I have been at my current job for three years. I have been talked to about my tardiness twice since I have begun, and the second time I was confronted about this topic I was almost let go.

The kicker is, everyone else I work with is tardy on a weekly basis. Specifically, one woman I work very closely with comes in almost everyday at 8 a.m. when her shift starts at 7:30. Yet, she gets to leave at the same time as I do every day. Nine times out of ten, I am working a half hour extra a day while we are both getting paid for 40 hours a week. This woman has been here for a couple years longer than I have. She never has an excuse (along with everyone else I work with) as to why she is late. It’s either “slept in” or “was late leaving the house,” which is not a valid excuse.

I am upset by the way I am being singled out and I am at a loss at how to handle this situation. I have not been in trouble for any other reason while being employed here.

Unless you have reason to believe that you’re being treated differently because of your race, religion, or some other protected category, there’s really nothing to be done here. (If that were the case, you’d have a discrimination claim, but otherwise, the law allows your employer to treat different people differently.)

Pointing out to your manager that other people are habitually late too just isn’t a good response to a valid complaint about your work habits. What you’re being told is that you need to be at work on time. Maybe other people don’t because their jobs are different, or maybe they’re cut more slack because they make different contributions than you, or because they worked out a different arrangement with their boss. Or sure, maybe you’re being treated unfairly and held to a different standard than everyone else. But none of that changes the situation here, which is that you’re being told you need to be more reliably on time. And that’s not an unreasonable requirement, and it’s one you’re likely to find at a lot of jobs. Why not make the whole situation a non-issue by just showing up to work on time?

3. When should I tell my staff I’m leaving my job?

I work in higher education doing direct advising work with students and I supervise a few paid programs. I enjoy the students I supervise and we have a very good working relationship.

I recently found out that I’ll be leaving my job over the summer and I’m not sure when the best time to tell them is. My supervisor effectively has 5 months notice that I’ll be leaving and is very supportive, but as a supervisor I want to talk to my students about me leaving without it being a jarring transition for them in the fall.

There isn’t a plan yet to recruit for my position (although I’m sure there will be someone for the fall). There have been a few rocky moments with our program this year and I want to be as supportive as possible in helping them think about next year (and know that things will be ok! For many of them this is their first job and management turnover is confusing and scary). Do you have any advice on how/when to tell them that I’m leaving?

Tell them now. There’s no reason not to, and if you delay, you risk them hearing it from someone else and wondering what’s going on (as well as wondering what else they might be out of the loop on). You can say that you’re committed to ensuring a smooth transition, that there will be plenty of time to find someone great for the role, and that you’ll keep them posted as things play out. If anyone seems particularly anxious, you can talk to them about how this is a normal part of work life, employers are set up to deal with it, and no one is irreplaceable (or shouldn’t be).

4. How should I tell my great manager I’m leaving?

I’m actually in a good place. I think I’m about to be offered a new job that comes with a big pay bump, good benefits and increased responsibility.

Within the last nine months I was assigned a new boss at my current job. She is wonderful – supportive, fair, smart – more like a mentor, actually. She is a world of difference from the awful boss I endured for years before her. Our workplace is experiencing a lot of change (new leadership, layoffs) and she has asked me several times for assurance that I am not looking to leave. I believe she will try to promote me within this calendar year. She told me I am one of only four people on her “essential” list – those who absolutely must remain on her staff in the face of reorganization.

That being said, the new job still has it all over any possible promotion my current boss would be able to offer me. If I get offered the new job, I will take it. What do I say to my lovely mentor-boss to let her know that I appreciate all she’s done for me? My leaving will be a huge burden for her and the rest of the team. Not to mention she may be hurt that I am leaving despite her advocacy.

By the way, I was not lying when I told my boss I wasn’t looking to leave my current position. This new opportunity came directly from a friend who encouraged me to apply, and the interview process has been breathtakingly fast (from application to final interview, three weeks in total). At the time when I assured my boss I wasn’t going to leave, this job wasn’t even on the horizon. It’s like breaking up with a kind, sweet boyfriend to date a bad boy – “You did all the right things but I’m leaving you anyway, chump.”

“I wasn’t lying when I told you I wasn’t looking to leave. This fell in my lap and it was too good to pass up. You have been absolutely wonderful to work for, and I’m so grateful to have been to work with you.”

5. My phone was out of commission and I’m worried employers might have tried to contact me

I’m currently job searching and applied to a bunch of jobs in early February. However, soon after that, my phone was out of commission and shipped off to be repaired. When I got it back like two weeks later, nothing was saved – no texts, pictures, or voicemails. And I’m concerned that some of the companies might have tried to contact me, since it’s the regular time frame to hear things back. Of course, I have no idea if they did or didn’t. I looked at some of your old postings and they all seem to say “don’t be crazy and contact companies” and/or “you missed your boat.”

Just to hear it again, it’s not a good idea to send an email to a company, right?

Well, it’s highly unlikely that a company would have texted you about an interview; they would have either called or emailed. I’m assuming you were able to get emails some other way, so we’re just talking about missed voicemails. Is there any way to contact your phone company and find out about missed voicemails during that time?

If not, there’s nothing wrong with emailing the places you’re worried could have contacted you during that time and saying something like, “My phone was unexpectedly away for service the last two weeks, and while I don’t know if you tried to contact me during that time, I’m interested enough in this job that I wouldn’t want to miss it if you did. If you didn’t attempt to get in touch, please ignore this message — but otherwise, I’d be eager to talk with you now.”

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. How can I put junior staff in their place and get their respect?

I was recently hired to be a manager, but while I’m a good 10-15 years older than the junior staff, they treat me like I’m at their level. They ask me to hang out after work, they tell me about their relationships, and they undermine my authority with our big boss by taking credit for ideas I give them to do their jobs better. I’ve never given them any cues that I want to be their friend, and though no one directly reports to me, I still have to manage projects and give them assignments. How do I put them in their place so that I can get the respect that I need and show my boss that I can do the job?

Well, it’s really not about “putting them in their place.” That kind of thinking isn’t going to lead you in a direction that will command respect. It’s about earning respect by acting in a way that warrants respect: doing excellent work, conducting yourself professionally and maintaining professional boundaries, and approaching everyone with respect and dignity. So if they start talking about their relationships, you say, “We should turn this back to work” (after first talking to them a minute or two, because that’s normal politeness and managers aren’t required to instantly shut down all non-work conversation). If they take credit for your ideas, you correct the record with your own boss (calmly and matter-of-factly, not defensively) — if indeed it was really credit-stealing and not just “hey, we’re going to do X now.” If they ask you to hang out outside of work, you decline. And you manage: You set clear expectations, give useful feedback, warn people when they’re falling short of what you need, and set and enforce consequences when people fall short of your expectations.

You can’t force respect out of people. You’ve got to earn it. (That said, if people are behaving disrespectfully, you absolutely can take that on directly, make it clear what is and isn’t acceptable, and then hold people accountable to that standard. But it’s going to be a lot more effective if it’s backed up in all the ways above.)

2. A potential reference doesn’t remember who I am

I have a final interview for my dream job this upcoming Friday! Yay! I feel very confident about my ability to do well in the last interview, but I do have concerns about the reference check. When I applied for the job, I provided a list of my last three managers as professional references. I know these managers will give me glowing reviews. However, from reading Ask a Manager, I know that hiring managers are not obligated to call just the references on my list. There’s only one manager at a job who I included on my resume and application materials who I do not list as a reference, and that was my manager at my first job, which was a work-from-home position in my field that I held for two and a half years. I had very little contact with this manager when I was working for her because I mostly did my assigned work and then turned it back in with no comment or discussion from her at all. I wanted to know what she would say if someone were to call her about me, so I had a very professional-sounding friend call the switch board at the company where I had the work from home job and ask for my former manager. When she got on the phone, she didn’t remember me. At all. Ouch.

I’m actually not too surprised. My manager never even saw me face to face because she worked at the brick and mortar corporate office across the country from where I was doing work for her from my home computer. She read my cover letter and resume, administered my skills test, hired me, and then sent me work every morning, but besides that, we had absolutely no contact with one another and it has been years since we have last spoken. I am very worried that if the hiring manager for this job calls her and asks her about me, she will go ahead and say she doesn’t remember me at all, which obviously isn’t going to look good for me. I am worried this might cost me the job.

Is there some way that I can mitigate this without making things horribly awkward for all parties, and blowing my chances at the job? Do I email or call HR or the hiring manager and talk to them about this before the interview? Do I bring it up in the actual interview? Should I just not worry about it, since my actual references will all say amazing things about me?

Well, if it’s been years since you worked together, it’s pretty unlikely that an employer will call her for a reference, unless they happen to know her personally. But if you’re concerned, you can head off any “who’s that?” response by getting back in touch with her now. Email her yourself, remind her of who you are, and let her know that you’re job searching and so she may get reference calls. Include in your email a run-down of the work that you did for her, and anything else that you want to be brought back to the front of mind before a potential call arrives.

3. When should I thank contacts for helping me get an interview?

I’m a graduate student new to my field, so networking with alumni from my school has been very helpful in learning more about the industry and about the types of skills needed to be successful. A few of these alumni have been kind enough to pass my resume along to those in their offices in case an internship opening is available, and I have been diligent about sending thank-you emails to them. Much to my delight, one of their offices has contacted me for an interview in the next few days, and I’m trying to figure out when would be most appropriate to send my alumni contact a “Thank you forwarding along, I got an interview!” email. Should I send it pre-interview, with a “Any last minute tips?” bit– would that be asking too much? Or would it be better to send it post-interview?

Send them a thank-you now and mention that you got an interview, because (a) it’s polite to keep them in the loop after they helped you and (b) it’s possible that will trigger them to put in a good word on your behalf. But don’t ask for last-minute tips, because you risk them bristling at that and thinking you’re asking for insider help that other candidates aren’t getting and which could bias the hiring process away from a merit-based decision. (Not everyone will think that, but some of us do.) And then follow up with them again once you know the results of the hiring process to let them know how it turned out. (Because people who offer other people help typically like to know how things play out.)

4. My old boss is trashing me to my new boss

I recently resigned from a job that I held for a few years to accept a better position at a place that is direct competition. I have been an outstanding employee, gave 3 weeks notice, and was honest about the problems that drove me to search for new employment. My boss took my resignation very personally and has since then been publicly trashing my name to any coworker who will listen at work. In addition, he called my new boss (I have not yet started the new job or filled out any employment paperwork) in order to accuse him of poaching me, then trashed my name to him as well. That phone call may have sabotaged my new employment. Was what was done to me allowed? Are there actions that I can take to defend myself?

If your boss defamed you and caused you to suffer provable damages (such as losing the new job), then yes, you should consider consulting with a lawyer. But it’s more likely that your new employer thinks your boss is a whackjob, because making that call is Not Normal; it reflects far more on your boss than on you.

That said, even assuming you’re suffering no actual damages (i.e., still have your new job), you could certainly consult with a lawyer about drafting a stern letter to your boss about his obligation not to defame you. But if your goal is to minimize any ramifications of this BS on you, before talking to a lawyer I’d see if you can smooth things over directly with your boss. You shouldn’t have to — he’s wildly out of line — but having genuinely harmonious relations with him will be better for you in the long run than having him say things to reference-checkers like “let me see what I’m legally allowed to say” (legal but highly damaging).

5. How should I thank my boss for my raise?

I’ve just had my one-year performance review. This is my first post-college job so I’m still learning office etiquette. My manager gave me a score of 4.05 out of 5/valued performer on my review, and my boss (director of the department) followed by calling me into her office and telling me I would be receiving a salary increase for good performance.

My question is, what is the appropriate way to say thank you to my bosses for the salary increase? I, of course, thanked them verbally at the time but should I send a thank-you email now? I’m not sure what’s expected in a situation like this since it’s my first “real” job and first time getting a raise.

No need for a thank-you email; a verbal thanks is fine! Remember, they’re not giving you a gift; they’re increasing your compensation because your value has increased and they want to retain you. You should still be gracious of course, but you don’t need to thank them beyond what you’ve already done. An exception to this would be if your manager really went to bat for you to get you something out of the norm for the company and used her own political capital to do so, in which case a more emphatic thank-you would be thoughtful. But otherwise, a simple and sincere thanks at the time that you’re told about the raise is all that’s needed.