Ask a Manager

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. My manager refused to back me up when a coworker complained about me

I had a minor disagreement with a colleague about a couple bucks worth of candy. There was some being handed out in the office over Easter, and I wanted to take some to leave for the cleaners, which my colleague disagreed with me doing and sent a really rude and disrespectful email to a group of people (me included), mocking my suggestion to include the cleaners, which I responded to by saying he was being rude and arrogant.

As far as was concerned, the disagreement was stupid and over and done with. He then went to my boss complaining about my email, stretching the truth and exaggerating what had happened. My boss then spoke to me and told me that while I’d done nothing wrong and they agreed with my sentiment, my email had caused some offence and in no way was I being penalized for my actions, but to keep the peace she had told the guy who complained that I would be spoken to.

Now I’m annoyed with my boss, and think she should have told the guy complaining that it was a petty complaint and unfounded so there was no reason for me to be spoken to. I think it’s really unfair that my boss privately approved of my actions and then publicly criticized me. Do you think I’m being unreasonable in expecting my boss to stand up for me rather than hang me out to dry when by her own assessment of the situation I’d done nothing wrong? It really bothered me that a higher priority was put on keeping the peace than being honest and straightforward about the situation. If I had been in the wrong, I would have no expected her to back me up.

Yes. Your boss sucks and needs to learn how to take a stand and be direct with people. Either she doesn’t think you deserve a reprimand, in which case she shouldn’t have told your coworker that you were getting one, or she does think that you do (which is why she told your coworker she’d talk to you) and needs to be able to bring herself to tell YOU that. Now you know that your boss isn’t always able to say things that she thinks people won’t want to hear, which might not be a huge deal in this particular context, but can be a huge weakness if it surfaces more broadly.

(That said, calling your coworker rude and arrogant wasn’t the best move — and that’s especially true if it was in a group email. So no one here is behaving impeccably, although your coworker and your manager both made bigger errors.)

2. Is being underweight turning off interviewers?

I’ve been aggressively job searching since January. I’ve had lots of interviews, but no offers. I don’t usually make it past the first in-person interview (I actually just had my first 2nd interview for a job I really want last week though and am waiting to hear back, fingers crossed!). Anyway, in trying to figure out what’s been holding me back, I’ve had a few people suggest that it could be my appearance, specifically my weight. I’m 5’3 and around 87-88 lbs. I’ve struggled with an eating disorder since I was 12 but it’s pretty under control right now and I’m healthier (physically and mentally) than I’ve been in years. The people who have suggested that this might be an issue in interviews are saying that because I’m noticeably very underweight and even unhealthy looking (I don’t see this), employers might be hesitant to hire me. The thing is though, the people who are telling me this KNOW about my eating disorder; I’m not convinced an interviewer who doesn’t know this about me would guess it just by my appearance… for all they know I could just be naturally thin.

I go out of my way to ensure that I present myself in a very professional way, recently paying extra money to have interview clothes tailored to fit, for example. I’ve also come a long way in my recovery process and I’d like to think I’m not being discriminated against simply due to my weight. I guess I’m just curious if this is actually something hiring managers would pick up on and be wary of? And if it is, is there anything else I can do to help employers see that any concerns they may have are unwarranted?

Hmmm, it’s so hard to say without actually seeing you, but I do think that it’s possible that you look thin enough that people would be concerned about your well-being and it’s making them uncomfortable … but it’s also possible that it’s more about how you’re interviewing, since that’s something plenty of people struggle with. It also could be something like a confidence issue, if you feel uneasy about your appearance and it’s coming through as a general lack of confidence. Is there anyone you trust to give you an unbiased read?

(Also, congrats on your progress in recovery!)

3. My bosses haven’t acknowledged that I’m leaving

It has been a week since my manager sent out an email to my team informing them that I would be pursuing an opportunity outside of the company, and that my last day would be in two weeks. My bosses, who sit in offices right outside my cubicle, have not congratulated me or wished me luck, or anything of the sort. I got along with these bosses quite well. On my last day, if my bosses still haven’t said anything to me, do I need to copy them on my “final goodbye” email, or stop by their offices to say goodbye? I feel snubbed that they have not even acknowledged my departure.

They suck for not acknowledging that you’re leaving, but take the high road and say goodbye to them and tell them how much you enjoyed working there (whether or not you did) before you go, because it’s in your best interests to maintain good relationships with them (for future references and networking, as well as because of the fact that people sometimes pop up later in your work life in ways you don’t expect).

4. My wife had an affair with her manager

My wife is a server at a restaurant, which I would say it’s a pretty big name to in California. I recently found out that she was having an affair with a manager that lasted 6 months. I actually asked him to leave the restaurant before I went to tell their Human Resources that he was having sex with my wife, because they have rules against sleeping with employees, but he felt that I was menacing him and went and told HR himself. All I wanted is for my wife to be able to go back to work and be able to provide for herself and our kids. Because of this situation, she demoted herself to working during the day, because she not comfortable working around him. If their number one rule for managers is not to sleep with employees, shouldn’t they transfer him or fire him for breaking the rules?

They should take some sort of disciplinary action, yes, but that doesn’t always mean firing or transferring someone. It’s entirely possible that he was disciplined but you’re not aware of it (since that’s not information they should be sharing). Regardless, though, focusing on what happens with this guy isn’t really your concern; your relationship with your wife is, and that’s where you should be focusing. (And I’m sorry.)

5. I can’t get my application released for a different role

I applied to teach in a school district that I’ve previously worked for, since I’m moving back to the area. I was well liked and had a strong record of improving student achievement. During my phone screen, the talent recruiter asked if I might be interested in joining the talent recruitment team. She convinced me to apply. I had 4 interviews that went well and was told by the superintendent that I was their choice. I sent thank-you notes and they asked for my references (who I’ve used in the past and had no problems with).

Three weeks have passed, and I’ve sent 3 follow-up emails, which have all been ignored. I assume they chose another candidate, but the problem is they are talent recruitment and I can only get placed in a teaching job through them. I can’t apply for other positions in the district because my original teaching application was pulled for the recruiter position. I very kindly emailed the recruiter to let him know that I understood if they choose another candidate but needed a response or for them to release my application, but they just keep ignoring my emails! I’m really stuck – what should I do?

How frustrating. I’m not a fan of calling rather than emailing when checking on an application, but in this case, calling might be a more direct way of solving this. Call, and leave a message if you don’t get a live person. Your message should not talk about the status of your application for this job (since they’ve apparently decided to ignore those queries) but instead says something like, “I’m very interested in being considered for a teaching role, and hoped you could help me get my application for a talent role back into consideration for teaching.” If you get get ahold of your contact there and she doesn’t return your calls, then see if you can get a live person elsewhere in that department and explain the problem you’re having.

Alternately, if none of that works: You used to work in this school district, so presumably you still have contacts there. Is one of them well-positioned to intervene in this BS for you? That might be a more effective route if they continue being unresponsive.

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. I’m interviewing for a job working with a company that fired me for complaining on Facebook five years ago — should I mention it?

Five years ago, I was fired from a very good job as a project manager for a major airline. I had been venting about the frustrations of my job on Facebook and a coworker printed the posts and handed them to our boss. I learned a huge lesson from that and don’t post anything work-related on Facebook anymore.

I have a new job opportunity with a different company in the aviation industry. This new position would be an on-site account executive with the same airline that fired me, which is a customer of the company I’m applying with. The hardest question to deal with in a job interview is why you left your last position. Now that it’s been five years since that incident, the question doesn’t come up. Should I volunteer this information since this position is on-site with this airline? I would hate for a previous coworker to see me out there and the information to leak out that way.

If it’s likely that you’ll be working in the same area as people will know you from before, or that you’ll cross paths with them, I’d seriously consider whether this is really the right job for you. If it turns out they don’t want you on the account (and I wouldn’t be thrilled about having an account rep who I’d fired for publicly badmouthing my company a few years ago), you could end up getting fired — which is far worse than just not getting the job to begin with. This position is working directly with a company you’re not really eligible to work with anymore, so it really might not be a role you should be going after. (That said, airlines are big and it’s possible this wouldn’t come up; you’d probably have a better sense of that than I do. But even then, I still think you’d need to disclose it and let the new company make that call.)

2. I work for my parents’ business and am frustrated by a coworker’s constant complaining

I recently started working for the company that my parents own. It’s a small business with about 25 employees. My office is right near the reception area, and I can hear everything that goes on in the common area. Last week, I overheard some issues being discussed during a meeting of about 15 people, including 2 brand new employees. While I was not involved in the meeting, I could hear everything being said. One employee was constantly complaining and making negative remarks about management during the meeting. While some (not all) of the issues he brought up were true, it was not relevant to what the meeting was about. Additionally, no one from the management team was at the meeting to correct him. I felt it was creating a very negative work environment, which is especially bad with the two new employees.

After I overheard this, I went to my parents to see how they wanted to handle it. The employee was talked to about his negative complaining in the meeting. He was not told who brought it to their attention.

The next day, I was working on a project with the same employee. He started complaining and making comments about something else having to do with management. He told me that I “better not repeat what I’d heard” from him because he had just gotten in trouble for this behavior. It made me uncomfortable, but I did let it go. Ever since, I can still hear him talking in the common area to other employees complaining and being negative. It really drives me nuts, and I feel it is really making our work environment negative. Any thoughts on how to handle it?

You could talk to him directly and tell him that his regular complaining is creating an unpleasant environment, and suggest that he talk about his concerns to someone in a position to do something about them. And/or you could talk to his manager (who may or may not be your parents) about your concerns; I’d sure want to know someone who worked for me was spewing that much negativity. You could also ask your parents how they want you to handle situations like this in general, without getting into the specifics about this guy. If they want to hear stuff like this from you, you’ll want to think through the ramifications of that for your role and your relationships with people — it will definitely change those dynamics, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but you’d want to be realistic about those outcomes.

3. Pitching telecommuting after I move

I’m moving cross-country at the end of the year to be closer to friends and a larger LGBT community; I’m fairly isolated in my current city and it isn’t especially gay-friendly. I’ve started to look for a job in the city I’m moving to, but I’d like to keep my current job if I can. Everything about it is perfect–manager, work, company, benefits–the only problem is that I can’t take the city anymore. I’ve worked there for two years and have had excellent reviews.

Three of my coworkers in similar roles work remotely, but their reasons for moving from the city had to do with family or marriage. I feel as if my reasons won’t be seen as serious enough, especially since I’m young and single. I want to discuss this with my manager when I’m closer to the move date, but I don’t know how to pitch working remotely in a way that will be seen as a win/win. Can you help?

Well, if you’re planning to make the move regardless, you don’t really need to convince them that your reasons are “good enough.” Your pitch should be “I’ve decided to move to ___ in June, and I’d love to continue working for ___. Here’s my proposal for how to make that work.”

If asked about your reasons, you can certainly explain them, but this should be about the business case for keeping you on as a telecommuter, not what’s drawing you to the new city in the first place. Good luck!

4. Can your resume list new skills you’re in the process of learning?

My question involves taking time to learn new skills on your resume. I know trying to improve is always a good thing, but how would you go about showing that on the resume? For example, I’m learning Python (a programming language) on my own free time but hopefully should be more proficient soon. I know I’ve mentioned on cover letters how I’ve spent time trying to stay sharp while job hunting.

It’s fine to put something “learning Python” in your Skills section.

5. Is this too much information for a cover letter?

My husband and I are looking to relocate out of state this fall to be closer to family and friends. While I was keeping an eye on the local paper in the area we would like to move to, I came across an accounts manager position that I thought might work well for my husband (who has an economics degree), but upon inspection of the company, I discovered it to be an ingredients supplier for nutritional supplements, which is right up my alley because my professional and personal life has surrounded health and wellness in dietetics and physical fitness.

Anyway, I’m thinking of forming this into my opening for my cover letter. But is the idea that I had originally had interest in the position for my husband cross the line from conversational to over-share?

Yes. Not over-sharing in the TMI sense, but in the “just not really relevant” sense. You should absolutely talk about why the position appeals to you, both personally and professionally, but the fact that you originally started looking at it for your husband doesn’t add anything relevant or important to the point you’re making to the employer and so shouldn’t be included.

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. My employees say another employee slacks off when I’m not around

I supervise three people (all at least 20+ years older then me; I received this promotion due to very odd circumstances). All of them are great, and wonderful workers. However, I am starting to hear more and more gossip. The two women who work the front are telling me that whenever I am out, either on vacation or working in another department, the woman who works in the back doesn’t do anything. They say that she works on her side business, makes personal calls, and goes off to run errands on the clock. However, I have no other way to vouch for this other then the word of the two women at the front, who do not like her.

I’m having a hard time trying to figure out if they are telling me the truth or if they’re trying to get this woman in trouble because they don’t like her.

Find ways to observe it for yourself. Since the allegation is that she’s doing this when she you’re not around, make a point of coming in in when you’re supposed to be somewhere else. There’s no reason you can’t say you’ll be out of the office for the afternoon or working in a different department and then pop in unexpectedly. Do it a few times, and you’ll probably get a better sense of whether there’s anything to this. And if you have any peers who are in a position to see this if it’s happening when you’re not around, discreetly talk to them too. You might even be able to enlist them in these spot checks when you’re not around. (Make sure that these are other managers who will handle this discreetly themselves.)

And if it turns out that you have staff members are who lying to you to get someone else in trouble, you have a big problem to deal with.

Read an update to this letter here.

2. Can I mention an impressive job I was recruited for but didn’t get?

I have a terminal graduate degree, stumbled into teaching high school kind of by accident, and found I absolutely love working with teenagers (I know, I was surprised too). Fast forward a few years, and I’m leaving public secondary education because the system has just gotten too awful– insane workload, no resources or materials, salary cuts, no salary compensation for advance degree, no legal protection or job stability, etc.

I would like to move on to a more administrative/organizational position within something education-related (although not in the public school system) and am actively applying for jobs that loosely fall under the “community organizer” category.

I was recently approached by a departmental dean of a well-respected university to see if I would be interested in being director of one of their summer programs. I was recommended by the outgoing director, who is someone I’ve worked with for years in multiple different capacities (and I’ve taught at the summer program in question as well). I ended up losing out on the position to an internal candidate, but was really honored that they even asked me, considering I’m young (in my 20s), very barely qualified, and currently don’t have any official organizer experience– it shows a lot of faith in my abilities from the outgoing director.

When I (hopefully) get interviews for community organizer-ish jobs that require skill sets directly related to those of the summer program directorship, should I mention that I was approached for this job, even though I didn’t get it? On one hand, I think that saying “Hey, University X thinks I’m awesome enough to run this program, even though I’m only [20something]” could reflect well on me, but on the other, it seems iffy to bring up any failures in a job interview.

It’s possible that you could drop it into the conversation in an interview if you could find a way to do it naturally, but it would have to be done exactly right. You don’t want to sound like you think it’s more impressive than it is — because ultimately, they didn’t select you do it, and as far as your interview will know, it’s possible that the reason they didn’t hire you because they realized upon closer examination that they’d been wrong to encourage you to apply. So if you mention it, it has to be a true aside; it can’t sound like something you’re putting a lot of weight on. And once we’re at that point with it, it’s almost not worth mentioning at all. (Plus, I’m not convinced it would be a huge help anyway. Presumably once they’re interviewing you, they have much stronger reasons to be interested in you.)

3. My performance review keeps getting delayed

I am a young professional, and I started my first full-time permanent position last July, in a small consulting office. My initial 1-month review went well, and the principals of the firm indicated that they would most likely roll my 6-month review into the year-end performance reviews that normally occur in January. They mentioned mid-February that they would schedule them by the end of that month, and it’s now April and reviews have still not been scheduled. I understand that schedules get busy, especially as we had a conference to prepare for in January, and our busy season starts in April, but I am looking for a way to tactfully raise the issue, as I would like to get feedback and discuss becoming licensed in my field, as I have already started the process with their knowledge/approval. I don’t want come off as pushy, but how do it bring this up?

It’s not pushy to ask about this; it’s just appropriately assertive. Say something like, “We’d talked about rolling my 6-month review into the January reviews but we didn’t end up doing it. I’d really like the chance to step back and reflect with you on how things are going. Could we plan to do it sometime soon?” (Also, keep in mind that what you really want here is feedback; it’s not essential that it be in the form of a formal evaluation, so if it looks like there will be further delay, just sit down with your manager for a less formal discussion of how things are going.

4. Helping a manager with hair loss from cancer

My manager (a senior exec) is battling cancer, and she is losing her hair. She’s normally very tough and resilient, but I can tell that losing her hair is really bothering her and making her self conscious. Since her hair has started falling out, she styles it differently to cover the bald spots. When she talks to people, she frequently pats her head and smoothes her hair as if to make sure everything is still in place. She normally does not fidget with her appearance. I have noticed some people have stopped making eye contact once she starts fiddling with her hair. A couple of people have commented to me that they have a hard time seeing her and conducting business as usual while she appears to be suffering (with the chemo pack on, losing hair, thin frame with very loose clothing). Is there anything I can do or say to help?

Well, you can point out to your coworkers who find it hard to see the outwards signs of cancer treatment that it’s significantly harder for your manager to, um, be the one with cancer, and that the best thing all of you can do for her right not is to get awkward or weird around her or treat her like The Cancer Patient.

5. How can I explain an 18-month internship?

Like many recent graduates, I got stuck in the internship grind – I was at my last internship for 18 months. When I started in my senior year of college, I was told that the company liked to hire interns and I had many coworkers who had been hired from internships. After graduation, my supervisors reassured me that I was doing great work (I was there full time doing the same work as regular employees) and they hoped a position would open up for me soon. Fast forward 7 months, and I had been passed over for 2 positions in my department for external candidates. I know that an internship is no obligation of employment, but after all the encouragement I had received, I was feeling pretty humiliated and embarrassed and could no longer pay my bills on an intern’s paycheck. I was reassured by my supervisors (who weren’t doing the hiring), and even by those who were doing the hiring, that it was nothing wrong with my performance or attitude that had caused this.

How do I explain this to potential employers without coming off like a naive millenial? My experience at this company is getting me interviews, but I suspect that length of time I spent there without being hired is coming up a red flag.

I actually wouldn’t assume it’s a red flag at all. It’s not particularly shocking to spend 18 months in an internship; in fact, the fact that it wasn’t a shorter time can help you; you’ll look like you got deeper experience than if you were in and out in, say, five months. Keep in mind that to hiring managers, 18 months isn’t a long time at all; in fact for a non-internship job, that would be a fairly short stay. (Plus, they’re not going to know the details of whether this was paid, unpaid, terribly paid, or what.) So I wouldn’t worry about this at all.