did I offend the company that just offered me a job?

by Alison Green on February 21, 2014

This post was originally published on July 3, 2009.

A reader writes:

I’m a fresh grad and I just received a job offer from a company I really want to work for (let’s say Company A), but I have a pending interview at another company I am also considering (Company B). Company A gave me 24 hours to make a decision, and just before the deadline ended, I asked them for an extension (I asked for less than a week’s time), telling them that I wanted to evaluate my options better after I get all the results of my pending applications, and to discuss things with my family.

The person who interviewed me then told me that they were surprised about this, because in the interview I told them that I would be prioritizing Company A over my pending application at Company C (another company). The day Company A interviewed me, I didn’t see Company B as an option yet. She then proceeded to tell me that one of the factors to why they offered me the job is because I seemed to have a strong interest in the company and because I sent them a thank-you note that reiterated my interest. In fact, they were leaning towards another candidate but because I was very interested in the company and seemed “100%” about it, they chose me. Nonetheless, they gave me an extension for my final decision.

Should I apologize to her? I still want to work for the company, and I am planning on confirming it on Monday. I don’t want to have any bad blood between us. Did I mislead her in the interview when I really told her what my thoughts were at that time? Should I have not sent a thank-you note? I thought that these were the things interviewees usually said/did during interviews. Could they rescind the offer because my interest level waned a bit after they gave the offer? What should I do?

Yeah, I can see why this happened and also why you didn’t see it coming. You’re right that you were honest and sincere at the time that you told them they were your first choice, and of course you were correct to send the thank-you note.

Then things changed. But Company A was still operating on the information you’d given them, which was that they were your first choice and you were excited about them. And that kind of thing does influence a hiring decision, because, all else being equal, managers want to hire someone who really wants that particular job. So of course Company A was surprised and probably a bit annoyed when you told them that you were evaluating other options.

Here’s the thing: It’s totally fine to ask for time to think over the decision. But say it’s because you want to make absolutely sure it’s the right choice for you, your finances, whatever. Don’t say it’s because you’re waiting for other offers, because that comes across as sounding like, “I’m not all that excited about this job but I may settle for it, depending on what else is offered to me.” That drains away the excitement that the hiring manager had and makes them question your enthusiasm; it’s not good. And it’s especially not good when it happens after you’d been telling them they were your first choice; of course things can change, but from their end, it looks like you might have been disingenuous with them.

To answer your question about whether they can rescind an offer, yes, offers can be rescinded. However, you can salvage this. I recommend calling her and saying, “I want to apologize; I got sidetracked. You’ve been my first choice throughout this process, and I’m so excited to have an offer from you. After we interviewed, I did hear from another company that also seemed promising, but this is the job that I want, and I’m so sorry if I caused confusion about that. I’d be honored to accept your offer.”

Of course, that’s only if it’s true. If you really do still want to wait and see what happens with Company B, then you have two choices: (1) You can call Company B and tell them you have an offer you’re in danger of losing if you don’t get them a decision within a few days and see if they’re interested enough to expedite their timeline (but be prepared for them to say no), or (2) You can turn down the offer you have from Company A and take your chances on getting an offer from someone else (potentially risky in this economy). But what you can’t do is keep putting Company A off or, even worse, take the offer from them and then bow out later if Company B comes through.

By the way, don’t beat yourself up over this. You’re new to the work world and handled this all honestly, neither of which are bad things. Good luck!

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update: our time off is being rescinded — Hunger Games style

by Alison Green on February 21, 2014

Here’s an update from the reader whose pre-approved vacation time was being rescinded unless she fought it out with two coworkers who also had pre-approved time off scheduled then.

I spoke with one of the physicians, our head boss, a few days later. She stated she wanted to meet with all four of us coworkers and the manager at the end of the day. During the course of the day, Regina (who wanted to see off her son, who is going on military tour) found out her son was to leave in three days, so in the meeting she stated she would come in to work. The boss said under no circumstances was she to come to work that day, and to enjoy the day off. She stated Carly (whose husband was taking her out of town for her cancer-free anniversary) and and I were also to enjoy our days off. The boss said Brittany (who hadn’t asked for a day off but is notorious for being unreliable) was to go to the satellite office, and if she called in once more to remain at home. She said the manager (our direct supervisor, the one who approved all the time mistakenly and then told us to solve it ourselves) had to man the front office.

The boss expressed her disgust for the situation and her anger that it resulted in any of the physicians having to become involved. She made it clear that this option should have been the first and only option. The boss also said that no one should feel a single, childless person should have to dedicate more time to the job when everyone should bring their best to the office. She has now made working after hours on a rotation basis unless we can work it out among ourselves.

By the way, thanks to the commenter for suggesting to check the pay stubs and policies. I found out it’s a policy in our office that after three years, we have the option of cashing out our unused PTO. I was never made aware of this (it’s a very informal office with no handbook) so when I asked the manager about it, the next day I received a check for four years worth of unused PTO. A nice bonus! The manager is now on probation for the entire situation and one more issue will result in her being demoted.

Thanks to everyone for suggesting speaking with the boss. I’ve always been a timid person, and afraid to speak up, but now I feel more comfortable. It also helps to know that we have bosses who will listen and care about their employees.

This is a great outcome and exactly how it should have been handled (well, with one exception — you guys probably shouldn’t have been told that the manager is facing demotion, but I can’t really quibble with the details here).

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open thread

by Alison Green on February 21, 2014

photo 1It’s the Friday open thread!

The comment section on this post is open for discussion with other readers on anything you want to talk about. If you want an answer from me, emailing me is still your best bet, but this is a chance to talk to other readers.

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should I let my staff constantly change desks, verb tense on resumes, and more

by Alison Green on February 21, 2014

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Is it normal to ask for a 2-3 year commitment to a job?

I recently interviewed for a marketing coordinator position. The manager noted that she would want the next person in the role to stay at least 2 years and hopefully 3. I ultimately bowed out of the process after finding out the role had a lot more administrative duties than I was looking for. However, I’ve never been on an interview where the person has mentioned how long I was expected to stay in the role. While I am obviously not hoping to run out of my next job, and 2 or 3 years is not forever, I can never predict when I will feel ready to move on and I wouldn’t feel right promising that to an employer.

Is it normal for interviewer’s to give you an amount of time they expect you to stay on? And is it bad if you leave a position before your boss expects you to? Would it burn bridges?

“We’re looking for someone to invest in the role and stay for a couple of years” isn’t weird to say or to expect. In fact, hiring someone without expecting they’d plan to stay that long would be pretty unusual for many roles, and it pretty normal for a marketing coordinator job.

That said, when you make that kind of commitment, it’s not written in stone. Managers understand that it might turn out to be the wrong fit, or you might move, or an opportunity you can’t turn down might fall in your lap. The point is that they don’t want you taking the job if you’re thinking that you’ll only stay for a year before moving on, or when you’re planning to go to grad school in the fall, or so forth.

2. Should I let my staff constantly change desks?

I work as a manager for a relaxed company. We put a lot of emphasis on making our employees happy and being flexible. Most of reports are under 30 and this is their first office job. I had 8 direct reports who sat across two long desks without dividers and a open seat in between. We recently moved some people around and hired on some people as full-ttime, so I now have 13 direct reports with 15 seats. There are three people at one desk, with the rest on the same long desk as myself. The three people feel left out and want to move to the larger desk. The people on the larger desk feel cramped and not happy with the people they are sitting next to.

I try to be accommodating in other aspects and have a good rapport with the direct reports who have been with me longer, but I have a hard time accommodating these requests. It all feels very childish to me and I don’t want people to keep playing musical chairs because someone is upsetting them one day. Am I being a control freak or is it reasonable to deny this request?

It’s reasonable to not want to deal with people moving around constantly, but doing it occasionally shouldn’t be a problem. Why not offer to do a one-time move now, taking people’s preferences into account, but making it clear that you won’t be changing things up for some time after that? Then you could revisit it quarterly or twice a year.

That said, I think your two larger problems are (a) making sure that your staff, who are new to the working world, understand that their seating arrangements aren’t about being social, and (b) figuring out if there’s some way to get people more space, since the set-up you’re working with now sounds really unconducive to focus and productivity.

3. A skills assessment marked my shortcuts as incorrect

I took an employment assessment test today. I know Microsoft Excel very well, but am used to using shortcuts. On this test, trying to use a shortcut was marked as an incorrect answer. I missed 8 questions that I know like the back of my hand. Is there any way to save myself from being viewed as a poor Excel user? Is it o.k. to contact the company ordering the test to explain my situation?

Yeah, this is one of the huge problems with many of those sorts of skills assessment tests — advanced users end up getting marked down for exactly the reason you described. It’s absurd. I’d point it out to the employer, saying something like, “I noticed that the test wouldn’t accept keyboard shortcuts; for instance, it marked my answers as incorrect when I used shortcuts for italicizing, inserting, and changing column labels. As a result, it might be inadvertently screening out more advanced Excel users who use these shortcuts.”

How they respond will tell you a lot about the common sense of whoever you’re dealing with.

4. Blue hair and accounting

I am a first-year business student thinking of pursuing a career in accounting. A couple months ago, I decided to experiment with my hair a little and got blonde peekaboo highlights; my hair is naturally black. I talked with one of my professors and she said it’s fine since they’re not very blatant.

Anyway, my highlights have started to fade and I’ve been thinking of dying my highlights blue. I’m concerned about whether or not I should do so because I would like to get a summer job or internship in a professional setting. Should I dye my highlights blue, or should I just keep them blonde?

Accounting is a conservative field. It’s one of the few fields where this would be absolute no-go at many firms, in fact. Change it during the school year when you won’t be working if you want, but when you’re applying for jobs, I’d keep it a natural color.

5. Verb tense on resumes

I have a question about the proper verb tense for resumes. For past jobs, I would presumably use the past tense. But for my current position, should I use the past tense so that the whole document is in the same tense, or should I use the present tense because it is happening right now?

Present tense for your current job — because these are things you’re currently doing — and past tense for your previous ones. But for your present job, where you’re talking about specific accomplishments that you’ve already achieved and are not still doing, those would be in the past tense too. (For instance, if you’re talking about the amount of tickets you sold to an event last year, you wouldn’t put that in present tense or it would sound odd.)

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don’t check references? here’s a horror story for you

by Alison Green on February 20, 2014

This was originally published in 2010.

This post is for anyone who has ever said or secretly thought that reference-checking is a waste of time.

Not long ago, I had a job candidate on the verge of being hired. He had wowed everyone in the interview and clearly had the skills to the do the job well.

Something was strange about his reference list, though: The references he offered were from several jobs back; his list didn’t contain anyone from either of his last two jobs, even though he said his current boss knew he was looking. And one was a former professor, although he’d had several jobs since school. Red flag or someone who just didn’t know how to put together a good reference list?

We asked him to put us in touch with two recent managers, and he did. Okay, I thought, his lack of push-back or caveats could be a good sign.

And then we called them.

We found out that he’d been fired for theft and fraud at both of his last two jobs, and even served time in jail for one of those cases.

Imagine if we, like some employers, hadn’t bothered to check references at all, or hadn’t pushed back to get more relevant and recent ones. More to the point, would your reference-checking practices have kept this from happening to you, or would this guy now be working down the hall from you, defrauding you too?

Check references. And to make that check more valuable, use these tips too:

* Don’t limit yourself only to the candidate’s list of references. If the candidate has offered peers (or professors or “personal” references) rather than managers, or people who haven’t worked with her recently, ask to be put in touch with the specific people you want to talk to.

* Call main switchboard numbers. If you know the reference works at XYZ Company, look up the company’s main number online, call that, and ask to be transferred to the person, rather than just calling the direct number you were given. It’s not unheard of for candidates to give you a friend’s phone number so the friend can pose as the former boss. [Or even to pose as the reference themselves; see the incredible comment from MJB on this post (toward the end of the comments list).]

* Ask the right questions. If you just run through a perfunctory list of questions, you may never get to the most useful information. Rather than asking questions like “Is there anything Joe could improve in?” (to which a lot of references might respond “nothing comes to mind”), ask, “If you had to pick two ways Joe could improve, what would they be?” Also, you can provide options where there’s no “bad” choice and ask the reference to select the choice that sounds most like the candidate. For instance, “Some people thrive in fast-paced environments but might err on the side of losing precision, whereas others are incredibly precise but do better when there’s more time to focus on their work. Which sounds more like Joe?” (If you want a list of great questions, here’s a really good one from The Management Center.)

References are only a waste of time if you treat them like just an item to check off your list, rather than as a genuinely valuable part of your assessment process.

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what surprised you most when you first started working?

by Alison Green on February 20, 2014

A friend and I were talking recently about what surprised us about the work world when we started in our first post-college jobs. I told her how how surprised I was by how tiring it is to work a full eight-hour day (and I remember finally understanding why my mother seemed so tired after a day of work; as a kid, I once snottily said to her, “It’s not like you’re doing manual labor or anything physical”). She told me she was surprised that a “lunch hour” wasn’t a universally real thing like she’d seen in movies, and that most people took 30 minutes or less and often ate at their desks. And we both agreed that we were shocked to discover that we were supposed to call old people by their first names.

I want to know what surprised you the most when you first started working. What shocking discoveries did you make that you didn’t know before that?

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when a meeting goes off on a social tangent, how can I bring it back to business?

by Alison Green on February 20, 2014

I’m sick, so Thursday I’m running posts that were already waiting in the publishing queue, which means no short-answer post today.

A reader writes:

I’d like to reach out regarding a very minor issue I have discovered in my general demeanor/social etiquette in the professional environment and was wondering if you had any advice for me.

I am fortunate to work on an incredible team that seems to function as more of a meritocracy, rather than a strict hierarchy. I have excellent management, but everyone feels free to voice his/her own opinion, and expertise is valued as it presents itself. That having been said, I have noticed one particular habit I have that breaches social etiquette.

Occasionally, when I am presenting my share of the work at a team meeting, other coworkers will go off on a tangent (either work-related or otherwise). This really doesn’t bother me, as it amounts to only a few minutes, and there is usually some valuable discussion that can come from it. My issue is this: when conversation on a topic has died down and it is still my turn to speak, I return to the matter of hand in what I suspect is a very blunt manner. After letting my coworkers’ discussion conclude, I will usually return directly to what I was in the middle of presenting. For example, a long pause will lead to me saying, “During task A, I did X, Y, and Z,” with little to no segue. As soon as I remark in this manner, my team will usually erupt in laughter, as if I have just confirmed that I disregard their thoughts (which in this most recent case included good vacation spots).

My team is very casual and joke-friendly, so this has not become a problem yet, but this is not the first group of coworkers to respond in this way. How can I return to the task at hand in a more unoffending manner that reflects the casual nature of my office? Saying something like, “Since we’re on a tight schedule, I think I’ll continue with my presentation,” will most likely come across as overly stilted.

The key, I think, is not to sound put out or brusque — and not to be overly formal, since the atmosphere is clearly an informal one. So, for example:

Them: (talking talking talking about vacation spots)

You (cheerfully): All right, soooooo, getting back to the issue at hand…

Note that you’re smiling here and using a warm tone, which signals that you recognize that fun has been had and that you are pulling the group away from it). You also want to wait to do this until there’s a pause and you can break in — you don’t want to be talking over people when you do this.

Also, once you’ve said this, pause and wait a beat. You want to wait for people to draw their attention back to the meeting, and waiting a beat signals that you get that. If you don’t wait that beat and instead just plow straight into the work topic you’re about to address, you risk coming across like a bit of a martinet.

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my coworker is doing the work I’m supposed to do for him

by Alison Green on February 19, 2014

A reader writes:

I work on a team of three (plus our manager) as a supporting associate for two salespeople. I like my role and have no problem doing what other people might view as menial tasks, such as data entry and filling out form letters, in order to free up the salespeople’s time so they can focus on their clients. I knew that was a lot of what the job entailed when I signed on and I willingly accepted.

One of the salespeople is a more recent addition to the team. In the last few months, he has taken to doing parts of my job himself. He did ask me to show him how to do some of these tasks and I gladly agreed, but at the time it was framed in more of an informational way or so he could cover those responsibilities if I’m out of the office. Now I find him doing them a few times a week while I’m here – writing letters I should be writing, responding to emails I should be answering, and so on. I don’t get the sense that he does it because he has problems with the quality of my work, but because he views it as a favor to me to do some of these tasks on his own.

I appreciate that he might feel bad that I get stuck doing some rather dull work, but it is why I’m here and what I’m getting paid to do, and I genuinely don’t mind it. In the past when we’ve been extremely busy he would constantly apologize for the amount of work he was giving me, and I would always reply with “That’s what I’m here for!” or “Well, that’s my job!” in a sincere and friendly tone. I really don’t know what triggered his deciding to take on my work for himself because I can’t imagine that I’ve given off the impression that I am overwhelmed or annoyed by my responsibilities. Frankly, what does annoy me is that he spends his time doing my job when I think that time could be better spent focusing on his sales – especially since I receive a monthly bonus based in part on his performance.

I have experience dealing with slackers who aren’t doing enough work and have no problem with those conversations, but asking someone to actually do LESS work is a new one for me. How do I get him to stop doing this without seeming ungrateful or rude?

This might be the perfect time for the “I’ve noticed you’re doing X, and I’m wondering if I’ve caused that in some way” model. This model is useful in situations where something isn’t sitting quite right with you, but you want to start by checking whether you might have inadvertently contributed to it. (For instance: “I’ve noticed that you’ve been sending all my work through Bob to be checked, when you didn’t used to, and I’m wondering if something has happened on my end that made you feel you needed to.”) This is often a good approach to take because (a) sometimes you did cause the thing that’s now worrying you, and it’s useful to find that out, (b) raising it this way is a lot more polite than assuming that you didn’t contribute in some way, and (c) you end up sounding like someone open to feedback, which is always a good thing.

In your case, it could sound like this: ”I’ve noticed you’re doing X, Y, and Z yourself. I normally do those tasks for the other salespeople, and I’m wondering if I’ve given you the impression that it’s an imposition for me to take this work for you or if I’ve handled any of it differently than you would have liked.”

If he assures you that no, he just prefers to do this stuff himself, then your next move really comes down to whether or not it’s his prerogative to make this call. If it is, then you could say, “I’m happier when I’m busy, and I’m here to do this stuff, so my preference is to handle this stuff, unless you strongly prefer to do it yourself. And of course, if you have preferences about how it’s done, I’d be glad to do it the way you want.”

But if it’s not entirely his prerogative — if it’s eventually going to turn into a problem (if, for instance, your manager concludes at some point that your time — and/or his — isn’t being spent well) — then you need to be straightforward about that. In that case, you could say something like, “My sense is that Manager Jane does want to funnel this stuff to me, but I hear you that you prefer to handle it on your own. Let me talk with her about what would make sense — I just want to make sure she’s in the loop since it’s a change in the systems we’ve used so far.” (Note: You don’t to say this with a tone that implies “Jane will overrule you on this when she hears about it,” because Jane very well might not. Jane might be totally fine with this guy handling this stuff. So your tone is neutral and helpful, not annoyed or implying “this will not stand!”)

As so often is the case, this is mostly about being straightforward but finding non-weird, non-accusatory language to do that with.

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8 ways companies can attract the best job candidates

by Alison Green on February 19, 2014

While employers often feel that in a buyer’s market like this one, it should be easy to attract great job candidates, that’s not always the case. Top candidates always have options, and they can generally afford to be picky about what jobs they apply to, let alone what offers they accept. That means that employers who truly care about attracting top talent need to put special thought into how they recruit and screen candidates.

So what does it take to attract the strongest candidates? Much of it comes down to having a hiring process that treats candidates with respect.

1. Have clear, easy-to-understand job descriptions. Too often, employers post jargon-filled, incomprehensible job descriptions that barely explain what the position actually does. If job seekers have to struggle to figure out what the role is or who would be qualified for it, the best will simply move on.

2. Don’t force candidates to use convoluted and time-consuming application systems. Online application systems may have made things more convenient for employers, but they’ve done the opposite for job seekers, who regularly run into systems that are riddled with technical problems, ask yes/no questions that don’t fit many candidates’ situations, and demand enormous amounts of information just to apply. Candidates with options aren’t likely to spend an wrestle with an application system just to get it to accept their resume.

3. Don’t play games on salary. The reality is, most people work for money. Pretending that’s not true and refusing to discuss what a position pays – as plenty of employers do right up until they make an offer – will turn off good candidates. Talking about salary up-front – ideally in the job posting itself, or at least in an early-stage phone screen – will attract strong candidates who will appreciate the candor.

4. Respect candidates’ time. Canceling an interview at the last minute without any apology, not paying attention in interviews, and leaving candidates waiting in the lobby long past their interview time are flags for candidates that this company doesn’t respect them. Savvy candidates know that it won’t get any better after they’re hired, and will focus on companies that treat them with respect instead.

5. Keep interviews focused on questions related to the work. Employers who ask goofy interview questions like “If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?” and “What kind of animal are you most like?” will annoy strong candidates – and plenty will decide they’re not a good fit with a hiring manager who hires this way. Great candidates want to spend the interview talking about their background, the job, and what they might bring to it.

6. Be transparent through the hiring process. Hiring processes are so often inscrutable from the outside that it stands out when an employer is transparent and open with candidates. That can mean things like making it easy for top candidates to speak with would-be coworkers, being up-front about the downsides of the position (like long hours or difficult clients), and talking candidly about the reasons behind delays in the hiring timeline.

7. Remember that interviewing is a two-way street.Since the best candidates have options, they’ll interview and evaluate employers right back. Employers who assume that the assessment process only goes one way and forget to care about how they’re coming across to candidates – or even give them opportunities to do ask rigorous questions and do their own evaluations – will generally turn off strong applicants.

8. Be worth working for. That means not only offering competitive salaries and benefits, but also providing a high-functioning work environment, with effective management, professional development, and recognition for a job well done. The best-run hiring process in the world won’t be able to overcome bad word of mouth about what it’s like to work for a particular company.

I originally published this at U.S. News & World Report.

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how can I stop being afraid every time my manager wants to talk to me?

by Alison Green on February 19, 2014

A reader writes:

How do you get over “the fear” when a manager wants to talk to you?

In jobs I’ve had before my current position, managers only contacted you when they wanted to moan about something – which was a lot of the time. As a result, I dreaded every time my manager called or emailed, knowing that I’d be in the wrong about something. Even procedural changes we would have had no other way of knowing about were expressed as “you’re doing procedure X the wrong way, it needs to be done this way now” rather than “there’s been an update to procedure X – you should now be doing Y then Z, rather than A and B as before.”

When I left there I was incredibly relieved, but 4 months into my new job and I still can’t shake the feeling that every time a manager wants to talk to me, it’s to give me a dressing down about something. As a result, I enter into these conversations with an automatic “what I have I done wrong?” fear. Thing is – there’s no reason for me to be so defensive. I’m 4 months into my current job and not once have I been taken to task about anything. I’ve made some mistakes, but these have been gently pointed out to me for me to fix with no malice or anger. But I just can’t seem to get out of the habit/attitude/fear that anytime a manager speaks to me it’s because I’m in trouble. Do you have any practical tips on how to stop feeling like this, or will it just come with time?

Well, first, it’s really common to carry dysfunction from a previous job forward with you into the next one. It’s similar to what people sometimes do in relationships too — carrying toxic patterns from their family or past relationships forward into relationships with new people.

In fact, this is one more reason why it’s important not to let yourself stay too long in dysfunctional workplaces. If you spend too long there, they can reset all your ideas of “normal” in some pretty messed-up ways. And that can hurt you professionally, just like the relationship version can hurt you personally. For instance, if you work somewhere that always shoots the messenger and punishes dissent, you might get used to keeping your head down, never speaking up, and even covering up mistakes when they happen. And that behavior might serve you very well in that job. But if you move to a healthier workplace, that same behavior that worked previously could be hugely damaging. So it’s key to recognize this stuff for what it is, and not let it permanently recalibrate your sense of normal.

(I actually see versions of this in the comments here sometimes, when someone will comment that you should never confide in a manager, or that managers will always seek to pay you less than what you’re worth, or so forth. That kind of thing is true of some managers, not all, and when people think it’s universal, it’s often because they’ve had a string of really horrible work experiences.)

Anyway, back to you and the fear you’re carrying around from your old workplace. I’d do three things:

1. Recognize that fear response for what it is — a specific reaction that developed from a specific situation that you’re no longer in. It sounds like you get this intellectually, but not on an emotional level. So spend some time really thinking about where it came from, and the fact that it’s no longer the case.

2. Think about what evidence you have about your new manager. How have you seen her act? How does she handle mistakes? What kind of feedback does she give you? How does she give it? What kinds of things does she call you into her office to talk about? Spend some time really dwelling on this, because you need the answers to these questions to lodge themselves firmly enough in your mind that the reality of what you’re seeing and experiencing won’t get so easily displaced by the fear response that got wired into you at your old job.

3. Make a conscious effort to refer back to this evidence when you’re having a fear reaction. The next time your manager wants to talk to you and you feel your stomach seize up, remind yourself that the last time she called you into her office it was to give you a new assignment, and the time before that it was to show you a funny email, and when she has had to correct your work, she’s done it with kindness and respect, and last week she told you she was thrilled with your work so far.

Doing the three things above — and continuing to do them, thoughtfully and deliberately — should speed up the time that it will take to recalibrate yourself. It won’t happen overnight, but it should happen in time, and it should prevent you from getting stuck in habits that no longer serve you well.

And hey, congratulations on getting yourself out of a cesspool of ick and into somewhere that sounds a lot better.

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