Ask a Manager

update from the reader managing a lying sister-in-law

by Alison Green on January 1, 2014

Remember the reader who was stuck managing her sister-in-law, who was planning to call in sick in order to go on a trip (#1 at the link)? Here’s the update.

So here’s how things have been going supervising my sister-in-law. The day in question rolled around and, much to my relief, she showed up to work. But, it is still not easy being her supervisor. I have been supervising employees since 2007, and this is by far the most awkward situation I have been in. My sister-in-law is very prideful and our personal ties make dealing with this issue that much more challenging.

Here is where my struggle started. She and another employee both applied for a full-time position and the other employee got the job. My sister-in-law has been rather cold to the other employee. Even worse, she was rude to me and my supervisor to the point where we had to have a sit-down discussion with her about her behavior. Well, her behavior did not improve and my supervisor and I were planning another discussion with her when I found out that she was losing her house and moving in with her mother. This fact softened both of us and we decided to cut her some slack as we both could understand why not getting the full-time position impacted her so much (although, in truth, the job didn’t pay enough to save their house if they were that far behind). But she never revealed to anyone at work that she was losing the house, just that she was moving. I have access to this information because of our personal lives. And after the move, her attitude did improve toward my boss and me.

Oh, and here’s the worst thing about the personal lives intersecting. When she moved in with my mother-in-law, she brought bugs with her. My family went to my MIL’s house over Thanksgiving and saw bugs on the kitchen counters and crawling on the walls. My MIL’s house was NEVER like this before. We had a work potluck this week and I couldn’t warn other employees not to eat the food from her bug-filled house.

The real work issue has to do with her pride. The reason my sister-in-law did not get the full time position is because she is not well-rounded with her skills. There is one particular skill that she is AMAZING at, but in our field one amazing skill is not enough. The employee that got the full-time position is well-rounded and knowledgeable in multiple areas and my sister-in-law could learn from her and me. But, because she is older and has experience in a similar field, she has put up this wall where she thinks she has nothing to learn from us. I know that I need to sit down and have a talk with her and explain that if she ever wants to get a full time position in her current field, she is going to have to be willing to learn the skills that we can teach her.

And while her attitude toward the other employee has improved, it is still not good and I worry that she would fall flat on her face rather than ask for help with anything. This is not normal for people I supervise. I know from your response, as well as other readers that I just need to treat her as a non-relative and have a frank discussion about her behavior. But it would be an uncomfortable conversation with any employee and our “relative” status makes it that much harder.

My organization has put me in a very bad position because if it ever came to a point where she needed to be written up or corrected, it could wind up very bad for me and the organization (i.e., lawsuit. And from the things I know about her personally she would totally go there). It may come to a point where I need to raise the issue to my supervisors and ask that my sister-in-law be transferred to another location. Transferring employees is not unheard of in our organization, especially in recent years and because of our positions, she is the one they would transfer, not me. I really hate that I have been put in such a questionable position because I have worked very hard to create a good, ethical reputation for myself and it is very important to me to be a good boss.

Me again. I’m mainly printing these updates without commentary, but you really, really, really need to ask to have her moved. Explain that it’s a conflict of interest for you to manage a relative and that it’s become too difficult for you to juggle both relationships. She’s not getting the management she needs, and that’s bad for you, her, and the organization. Get her moved.

confession: I used to suck at firing people

by Alison Green on January 1, 2014

This post was originally published on March 21, 2008.

I’ve written in the past about how firings should be done — and believe me when I tell you that that’s learned from hard experience. Hard, awful experience. In fact, one of the first times I had to fire someone, I really messed it up — largely because I was oblivious to the advice that I now chant like some sort of weird mantra to other managers. And today I’m going to tell you what happened so you can learn from what I did wrong.

At the time, I was a relatively new manager, and when I took the position, I inherited a problem employee: painfully slow, constantly made mistakes that were seeding the database he worked on with tons of land mines, impervious to help, a general mess. Rather than addressing it straightforwardly with him like one obviously should do, I did what lots of inexperienced managers do: I handled him way too gingerly. I made “suggestions” and expressed concerns, but never did I tell him directly that the problems were so serious that he would be fired if his work didn’t improve. I was vague. I thought I was choosing the kinder option, protecting his feelings, which of course was ridiculous — there’s nothing kind about denying someone the opportunity to know they’re on the path to job loss.

Inevitably, I ended up having to fire him — and because of my vagueness leading up to it, he was genuinely shocked, said he hadn’t seen it coming, even cried. I hadn’t been so kind, it turned out.

And that’s not all. A couple of months later he sued, claiming I had fired him because he had Crohn’s Disease, which would have been a violation of the Americans with Disabilities Act if it were true. I was baffled — I knew he’d been fired for poor performance and that the fact that he had a disability was irrelevant (and indeed, we ultimately won the suit). But by not being direct enough about how bad his performance was, I had opened the door to him speculating on what the cause might have been. I could have avoided a months-long legal mess (as well as his legitimate bewilderment) by just getting over my own discomfort and telling him forthrightly the ways in which his performance was unsatisfactory. I put my own comfort ahead of managing well, and as a result, I exposed my company to legal jeopardy and left an employee uncertain about why he was let go.

Years later, I still cringe when I think about how my inexperience and misplaced desire to be nice made me a nightmare manager for that guy. These days, my employees who struggle hear about it — and some of them take the warnings and improve and some of them don’t, but none of them have been surprised by bad news since.

what are the best questions to ask in a job interview, as either the interviewer or the candidate?

by Alison Green on December 31, 2013

We’ve got two questions about interview questions, from different sides of the interview table. First, an interviewer asks:

I’ve hired for junior-level positions before, but for the first time, I need to interview candidates for a manager role. What questions should I be asking candidates at this level?

When interviewing candidates for any role, the overarching key is to get beneath the superficial and truly probe a candidate’s fit for the role. With candidates for management roles, you’re particularly looking for a drive toward getting results – people who understand what it takes to get things done, who will make hard decisions and find ways past roadblocks, and who have the smarts and interpersonal skills to influence and motivate others.

Here are five questions that will help you suss out those traits.

1. “What has your biggest achievement been at (current or recent company)? What results there that you produced are you most proud of?”
You’re looking here for someone with a track record ofbuilding something, or making things happen, or taking a project successfully from A to B (where B is bigger and better than A). Beware candidates who talk in hypotheticals about what they could achieve rather than being able to tell you what they actually have achieved.

2. “Tell me about a goal you or your team had that you didn’t meet.”
By getting the candidate talking about how a time when things didn’t go well, you’ll learn about how much insight she has into why some projects don’t succeed, how much responsibility she takes when something goes wrong, and whether she learns from failure. You should also watch here for humility: Does the candidate take responsibility for what went wrong, or does she blame others?

3. “Tell me about a time when ….”
The best way to predict how candidates will act in the future is to find out how they’ve actually acted in the past. So rather than asking questions that focus on hypothetical situations, like how a candidate thinksshe would handle a particular situation, instead probe into how they’ve really acted in the past, by asking about a time when they had to manage a struggling performer, set goals for a new area of work, resolve a problem on their team, or any of the other work they’ll need to perform in the role you’re hiring for.

4. “That’s interesting. Tell me more about that.”
Too often, interviewers ask a question, hear an answer, and then move on. But you’ll learn far more if you focus on depth over breadth in your questions – getting into the details of a few experiences rather than covering each and every job listed on a resume. For instance, you might ask to hear about one of the candidate’s most important projects and how she managed it from start to finish. From there, you might ask follow-up questions like: What was the initial vision for the project? What happened? How did you ensure that happened? What was the biggest challenge? How did you deal with that? Why did you choose that route? What lessons did you take away?

Interview like this, and you should get a much greater understanding of how your candidates really operate.

5. “Tell me about a difficult personnel decision you’ve had to make.”
Rigorous people practices are critical for building a team of talented staffers who can perform at a high level. Ask the candidate to walk you through a people problem she faced, what her thought process was, and how she ultimately handled it. Listen here for signs that she holds her staff to a high bar while being fair and compassionate, and that she’s willing to make tough decisions.

Next, a job candidate asks this:

I was recently interviewed for a job, and when the interviewer asked me what questions I had for her, I didn’t know what to ask. Most of what I was wondering about had been covered earlier in the conversation. Is it OK to not ask questions at all in that situation? And if not, what are the best questions to ask?

1. What are the biggest challenges the person in this position will face?
This question shows that you don’t have blinders on in the excitement about a new job; you recognize that every job has difficult elements and that you’re being thoughtful about what it will take to succeed in the position.

2. What would a successful first year in the position look like?
This question shows that you’re thinking in the same terms that the hiring manager does — about what the new hire will need to excel. You’ll also sound like someone who isn’t seeking to simply do the bare minimum, but rather to truly achieve in the role.

3. How will the success of the person in this position be measured?
This question might sound similar to the previous one, but it will give you more insight into what the hiring manager values most. You might discover that while the job description emphasizes skill A or responsibility B, the manager actually cares most about skill C or responsibility D.

4. How would you describe the culture here? What type of people tend to really thrive, and what types don’t do as well?
If the culture is formal and highly structured and you’re happiest in a more relaxed environment, or if it’s an aggressive, competitive environment and you are more low-key and reserved, this job might not be an ideal fit for you. And you want to find this out before you take the job, not after you’re already working there.

5. Thinking back to the people who you’ve seen in this role previously, what’s the difference between a good performance and a great one?
Interviewers love this question, because it signals that you’re someone who cares not just about doing an okay or even good job, but about being truly great. It’s hard not to adore the candidate who asks this.

how to avoid freaking people out when summoning them to HR, a smaller bonus than expected, and more

by Alison Green on December 31, 2013

It’s five short answers to five short questions. Here we go…

1. How to avoid freaking people out when summoning them to HR

Our HR office often needs to call employees in (we are a large educational institution and have several unions, so employees also bring representatives to these meetings). We typically do this with a pretty curt summons. We do not, as a matter of course, offer the employee information on why they are being called in. The rationale behind that is, in part, so employees don’t have time to prepare a story or compare stories with other employees about disciplinary investigations. This leads to frequent consternation, employees want to why they’re being called in, etc. Not my policy, by the way.

I can see both sides of this. Since it is consistently an issue, and I have no related experience elsewhere, I’m wondering what the “best practice” is for calling employees into HR…is more or less information at the time of the meeting request better from a management standpoint? How would you recommend handling this?

If you’re just telling people, “Please come to HR at 2 p.m.” today and refusing to tell them why, then yeah, that’s going to cause some anxiety. People are going to wonder if they’re being fired, for one thing.

In circumstances where you don’t want to discuss the reasons for the meeting beforehand, such as during an investigation related to another employee, I’d think you could still add something like, “This doesn’t relate to your job performance at all, and there’s nothing to worry about. I’m hoping for your insights on a topic that I’ll explain when we meet.” (If the meeting does relate to their job performance, I don’t think you should try to hide that — but I’d assume/hope that their managers are the ones calling those meetings with them, not HR.)

2. My bonus was one-third of what I was told to expect

I just received my “end of year bonus.” It was a third of what I was told it would be when I was offered the position. That conversation included a negotiation of salary, or actually, my hourly pay. The hourly pay wasn’t enough to get me to sign on with the company. But factor in the end of year bonus, and it got me to my bottom number.

After I received the bonus, I was hurt to see it was a third of what I was told it would be. I asked the boss if this amount was based on any formula as to how well the company did on profit or if it was based on job performance. He said, “Neither, it’s just what I could afford.” I pointed out that when I was offered the job, he mentioned a number three times that amount. He said, “It was a hard year. I’m ready for 2013 to be over. It was all I could afford.” And then he couldn’t leave the building fast enough. I don’t know if I was making him uncomfortable or hurt his ego. I was sure wishing he would remember our conversation.

Yeah, the problem with relying on promised bonuses is that if they’re not in writing and they’re in any way discretionary, there’s no guarantee that you’ll definitely get them. They can be shrunk or revoked for all kinds of reasons — job performance, company performance, new manager, personality conflict, etc.

At this point, you probably need to go back to your manager and explain that they only reason you were able to take the job is because you were told that this would be part of your compensation and ask what can be done — but if the money isn’t there, it’s not there.

3. Asking to do more work in the evenings

I’m in a newer job (9 months), and while I have plenty of work (but I’m still able to leave after ~8 hrs), part of me still gets a little bored in the evening and on weekends. I truly love this job and would almost do this work as a hobby/side project (in fact, I did do similar work to a point in my old job with no requirement to do so, and no direct benefit — this new job really is a perfect fit). I don’t want to be completely swamped with work, but I’d love to have little things to work on in my down time — nothing urgently due, but something to work on while watching TV. What I’m picturing is taking something that would normally be assigned out 3 months from now with a 2 day due date, but getting it now instead of later, so even if it takes me 2 weeks to get it done while watching TV, it’s still done 2.5 months before it would be otherwise. And I would understand it’s not the current priority, so I wouldn’t take “work” time to finish it. Doing my active projects at home wouldn’t be the same, since after 8 hours with them, I want a change of pace. And I’m exempt, so there’s no issue with having to pay me more for the extra work.

My problem is: do I ask for this? How? I don’t want to seem like a brown-noser or that I’m hogging work, I just really love what I do and can’t get enough of it! Or do I just keep quiet?

I’m not sure this is the best plan. A good manager might give you a few extra projects here and there but isn’t going to be comfortable doing it on an ongoing basis, because she’ll be wary of you burning out (or expecting to be rewarded for it later, which she might not be ready to set you and herself up for). Plus, once you set the expectation that you can do X amount of work, it may be difficult to backtrack on that if at some point you want your evenings back.

Instead, is there some other way you can spend your time that will help you build your skills in this area, like volunteering for a nonprofit that needs similar work done?

4. Finding out how much my company pays toward our health insurance

It’s the end of the year, so it’s also time for the open enrollment period for next year’s insurance benefits. For 2014, my share of the insurance premiums are going to be about 15% higher than this year (with no change in plan or benefits). Since my insurance is subsidized through my employer, this doesn’t amount to as much as it would if I had to shoulder the full cost, but it’s still somewhat substantial.

While filling out paperwork with my benefits coordinator, I asked if this increase represented a decrease in our company’s subsidy for the plan, an increase in the “real” cost of the plan, or some combination thereof. She said that she couldn’t tell me, as she wasn’t a party to those sorts of conversations.

No matter the answer, I’ll end up paying whatever I need to be able to keep my health insurance, but it left me wondering: Is this something I should reasonably expect an employer to answer? Do I have the right to know the total, unsubsidized cost of my health insurance?

Sure, it’s a reasonable question — and in fact, many employers are eager to share that information, because employees often don’t realize (and appreciate hearing) that their company is shouldering a significant portion of their monthly premium cost. That’s not true at all companies, of course, but either way, it’s certainly reasonable to ask about — not only because it’s interesting to know what your company contributes toward health care, but also because it gives you a better understanding of the true cost of your plan.

5. Putting a leadership development program on your resume

How and where should I put a leadership development program on a CV? I have participated in 2-year finance leadership development program at my company. I guess quite a few large companies have such. It’s a program for selected individuals who are trained on and off-job to become future leaders (as they told us) or just a highly useful employee who built a network within company. I do not want to continue a career in finance despite the fact that I’ve finished the program, but I believe it is worth mentioning. However, I am not sure how to correctly describe it and where to put it on the resume (before or after experience).

I’d actually just put it as one of the bullet points under that particular job, as something that you did there. No need for it to be in a different section.

my favorite posts of 2013

by Alison Green on December 30, 2013

We had more posts here in 2013 than ever before — 1,118 this year so far — so it was particularly hard to pick my favorites. But here’s a stab at it anyway.

10. Stop thinking you’re applying for your dream job
Because I hear way too many people say it, and it gets old having to think “um, maybe not” each time.

9. My boss is requiring us to let him be our “life coach”
Because it’s the perfect combination of bad management and absurdity, and I crack up every time I picture it.

8. I’m getting a raise — how should I manage my money?
Because we rarely get to talk about this topic, and it’s a huge one.

7. How to assert your legal rights at work
Because it should have been one of my first posts back in 2007, but it took me six years to think to write it.

6. Please stop calling it a “big girl” job
Because language matters.

5. My boss is always making out with his girlfriend at work
Because my nieces answered this one!

4. Yes, it’s legal … queries from a combined 13 years of blogging
Because I’m asked so, so often. And because I got to write something with Suzanne Lucas.

3. The problem with perfectionism
I didn’t even have to write this one. And also because it’s brilliant.

2. Signs that you’re the problem
Because sometimes you are, and if you don’t recognize it, you’ll go on being unhappy.

1. An employee is putting magic curses on her coworkers
Because, magic! And curses!

Want more? Here’s my list from 2012 and the one from 2011.

7 new year’s resolutions for a stronger career in 2014

by Alison Green on December 30, 2013

If you’re making new year’s resolutions this year — or even if you’re not — I’ve got seven choices to pick from for your career.

1. Set one or two big goals – and create plans to meet them. If you’ve spent this month wondering where the year went and what you have to show for it, vow not to let that happen in 2014. What do you want to achieve in the coming year so that you’re not sitting around in December 2014 wondering how the time got away from you? Figure out now what would make the year successful for you and create a plan to make it happen, complete with monthly or quarterly benchmarks. (But when it comes to big goals, stick to just one or two, so that you’re not pulled in so many directions that none of it gets done.)

2. Delegate more.If you’re at a level in your career where you can delegate work to others, you’re probably not taking full advantage of the opportunity. If you’re like many people, you’re holding on to projects that someone else could do because the work is comfortable or you don’t trust anyone else to do it right. But refusing to delegate means that you won’t free yourself up to take on bigger and more important pieces of work, which will hold you back – and can also hold your junior colleagues back too, by denying them the ability to grow into the work you currently do.

3. Stop taking criticism personally. It’s easy to take criticism as a personal attack or as a signal that everything you’ve done right isn’t appreciated, but that approach will harm you in the long run – by preventing you from truly hearing feedback that will help you in your career, and even by discouraging people from giving you valuable feedback in the future. Instead, try to remember that even if you ultimate disagree with the criticism, it’s still valuable for you to understand how your work is perceived, and resolve to respond to criticism the same way you would any other business issue – because it is business, not personal.

4. Start a “kudos” file. Set up a file (electronic or paper) to keep the kudos that you receive from people throughout the year – whether it’s an email from your boss praising your work on that big project, a thank-you from a client for making their life easier, or a note from a coworker thanking you for your help on a last-minute emergency. When you’re having a bad day, looking through this file can remind you that you’re good at what you do – and it can also help you remember things you’ve done well when performance evaluations roll around at the end of the year or when you’re asking for a raise.

5. Take a real vacation. Working for a whole year without a real respite is bad for your mental health and even bad for your productivity, so vow to take at least a full week – and preferably two – off from work in 2014. If you can’t afford to travel anywhere, spend the time relaxing at home, unplugged from email and other demands of your office. (And do this without guilt! If you get vacation days as part of your benefits package, that time is as much a part of your compensation as salary is. Don’t have qualms about using it.)

6. Turn off the complaining. If occasional venting about your job, your company, your coworkers, or your boss has turned into regular complaining, resolve to go cold turkey on January 1. Chronic complaining can create a toxic environment for you and the people who have to listen to you, and it can color your own perspective to the point that you become even more unhappy. Put a moratorium on complaining and see if it changes your mindset. If it doesn’t, decide whether you’re willing to live with whatever is making you so unhappy, complain to someone who can actually do something about it, or change your circumstances.

7. Stretch yourself. If you’re like a lot of people, you prefer to contain your work in areas where you’re comfortable and know that you can succeed. This approach is a safe one, but it also lowers the chances that you’ll make major leaps beyond where you currently are – and it can mean that you’re left behind by more risk-tolerant peers. Instead, make 2014 the year you do something well beyond your comfort level – whether it’s learning a new skill, proposing and leading a new project, or even just showing up at networking events.

I originally published this at U.S. News & World Report.

my boss opened a personal package that was addressed to me

by Alison Green on December 30, 2013

This was originally published on August 19, 2010.

A reader writes:

My own postman is unreliable, so I often have book orders from amazon, half.com and ebay sent to me at work. The other day, my boss opened a package addressed to me and was offended. He wasn’t offended that I had something mailed to me at work, he was offended by the subject matter that the book dealt with (sex). I asked him why he opened a package addressed to me and he replied that he is the boss and can open my mail if it is coming to a business he manages.

It is indeed legal. Postal regulations say that mail delivered to an organization, even if addressed to a specific person, is delivered to the organization itself, and the organization can decide how to distribute it from there.

But as is so often the case, the question of what’s legal is different from the question of what’s polite.

I don’t know if your boss opened your package on purpose or by mistake. It’s certainly not that hard to accidentally open someone else’s mail without meaning to; I’ll often just open anything left in my in-box without thinking to look at the address, and I’ve sometimes opened something meant for someone else by mistake. But if it was a mistake, the correct response is “I’m sorry, this was inadvertent,” not “too bad, I’m entitled to do it if I want.” And if it was intentional, your boss is an ass. So really, either way, he’s kind of an ass.

Now, that said, there’s also the question of what’s smart. Having books on sex sent to your work address, when it is sooooo easy for a package sent to a work address to be accidentally opened by someone else? Not necessarily the smartest thing to do. I don’t know if this was some academic treatise on sexual issues, which really shouldn’t offend someone, or something a bit more, uh, lowbrow, but if it was the latter, you were kind of asking for trouble.

I completely understand the desire to have your packages sent to your work address. I used to do it all the time when I had a UPS man who refused to leave packages without a signature. But (a) not every business welcomes or even permits it, and (b) it’s not a good idea for things you wouldn’t want someone else to see.

the worst boss of 2013 is…

by Alison Green on December 30, 2013

We have a winner! 1,975 votes are in, and the worst boss of the year is the manager who fired a receptionist after another employee asked him to reimburse her business expenses … with 42% of the vote. Congratulations, terrible manager of the year! You suck.

The four runners-up, who managed to be pretty terrible in their own right:

* the manager who spent the money from an office bereavement collection on herself – 27%

* the manager who ordered an employee to come to work during a dangerous tornado while police were telling people to take cover – 20%

* the manager who stole an employee’s iPad 7.11% – 7%

* the manager who spread a false rumor that an employee was dying – 3%

the least popular posts of 2013

by Alison Green on December 29, 2013

As part of our best-of lists for the end of the year, I decided to take a look at the posts that garnered the least discussion in 2013 (excluding updates, housekeeping-type posts, and posts that just linked to my articles somewhere else).

(This is no reflection on the question-askers! All of these questions are actually quite interesting, at least to me, and hopefully this will get them back on people’s radars.)

10. Recruiter flipped out when I asked about the company’s recent struggles

9. Can I include the value of my benefits when I talk about my current salary?

8. Short answer Saturday — 7 short answers to 7 short questions

7. Why is it bad to sound naive when applying for jobs?

6. What to do when your employer illegally treats you as a contractor

5. Am I ready to move on from my first job?

4. How to figure out how well you’re doing in your job and talk about it in a performance evaluation

3. If an interviewer invites me to contact them with questions, does it look bad if I don’t?

2. Can I ask about flexible hours in a job interview?

1. Where’s the travel reimbursement I was promised for interviewing?