Ask a Manager

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. My boss saw me sneaking out early

After a week of absolute hell (I seriously damaged my brand new car, my home was burgled and my babysitter quit all in the same week) and work has been the busiest it has ever been with little chance for breaks, I made a horrible mistake. I needed to urgently get in contact with the garage to check on my car before it closed at 5 pm (I had no chance to do it at lunchtime) and my colleagues suggested I leave 15 minutes early so I could still make it in time to call. So after putting my coat on and handbag in hand, I walked right into my manager who looks at me and looks at my bag and says, “Oh, are you leaving early?” In a complete panic, I lied and said no, but that I needed to make a call to the garage urgently before it closed. I then had to sheepishly walk past him again to my office, take my coat off and switch my laptop back on. It’s safe to say, I was completely mortified!

I’m really hoping he will notice that I was in early that day (8:30 instead of 9 am) but I know that is besides the point. How should I proceed? Should I address it or pretend it never happened?

You’re a normal human who was having a horrible week and came in early that day — this is not a big deal! In fact, you worked more “extra” time in the morning than the amount you would have subtracted by leaving early. This isn’t a horrible mistake or anything you need to be mortified about. To be clear, your response to your boss wasn’t great — it would have been better to just own it and say, “Yes, I have to make an urgent call before 5 but I came in at 8:30 because of it” — but it’s not the end of the world.

Are you normally a good, reliable worker who isn’t ducking out early all the time? If so, you can just let this go and don’t need to think of or mention it again. If that’s not the case … well, then this a wake-up call to fix that so that you have grace available when you need it. Or if your boss is normally a stickler about people leaving early, it might bring you peace of mind to say to him, “This is bugging me so I wanted to mention that when you saw me heading out to make a call toward the end of the day last week, I’d come in early. I didn’t want you to worry I’m cutting my hours short.” But it shouldn’t be a big deal.

2. My boss promoted his boyfriend to the job I wanted

I have been on my team for almost six years and was one of the three original members when the team was formed.

We hired a guy who seemed to pick up on the job fast but was always complaining, Javier. His boyfriend, George, who also works for the company, decided to apply for the manager role to oversee our team in hopes of tackling some of these issues. Once George was hired, HR learned that he and his boyfriend were on the same team and lived together. HR told them they couldn’t work on the same team, given their relationship. A few days went by and they decided to break it off and find separate apartments next door to one another. Since they had separate addresses, HR said it would be okay.

George picked up the job quickly and everything was going well until I inquired about a senior position on our team since we were growing. I kept hearing that the new position needed to be approved by HR. It took a year before we had the go-ahead. However, the position was open to anyone on the team who wanted to apply. Nobody on the team except Javier received a full outline of the job description until a few weeks before we would be notified if we would be considered. In a meeting with George, he told me that I was not considered this time and told me, for the first time, the things I needed to work on in order to be considered in the future. What has me fuming is that Javier got the position, and I feel it’s because they are extremely close. They travel together and hang out regularly and constantly discuss work issues. I feel this is unfair to me and the rest of the team, as we do not have that close relationship with George. He is not available to us 24/7, nor did he tell us what we needed to do in order to advance. He gave his boyfriend many more opportunities, projects, and information, ultimately giving him the skills and qualifications needed to fill the position.

Should I go to HR about this or just wait for the next senior position to become available? I am confident I will be considered the next time, but feel I should have been considered all along. I just don’t like the feeling of resentment this entire scenario has left me with.

Your whole team should have gone to HR a long time ago, because under no circumstances should George be permitted to manage his boyfriend (let alone promote him over others). If HR really believes the conflict of interest ended simply because George and Javier moved next door to each other (and apparently changed nothing else about the relationship?), that’s bizarrely off-base. Separate addresses don’t solve the problem — in fact, even breaking up wouldn’t solved the problem, since that would just mean George was managing his very recent ex, which also isn’t okay.

So yes, HR. And not just about this recent hiring process — although that should be part of the concern you relay — but about the situation in its entirety. Spell out that they’re still dating and use the words “appearance of favoritism and special access.”

3. Coworker insists he’s “crystal clear” when he’s not

I work with our in-house attorney (Cecil), although he is not my manager. He is often unclear with his requests. When I’ve said to him, “I’m sorry, I’m not clear on what you are asking,” his response has been, “I was crystal clear.” How do I respond to that? I’m not going to try to interpret his meaning just to be told I performed the work wrong.

I’m not the only one who has issues with him. He is arrogant and demanding. His boss is aware of his personality “challenges” and, in my opinion, has done a good job in coaching him.

His boss hasn’t done that good of a job coaching him if Cecil still thinks this is an acceptable way to talk to coworkers!

Ideally you’d talk to either your boss or Cecil’s boss and ask them to tell Cecil he needs to stop saying this; if someone asks him for clarification, he needs to attempt to provide it, not insist he doesn’t need to.

But if that’s not an option or doesn’t work, then when Cecil tells you he was “crystal clear,” you should say, “It’s not clear to me, so I’ll need you to clarify before I can work on this request. Are you looking for X or Y or something else?”

4. Coworkers think it’s okay to comment on my body because I’m pregnant

I am into the second trimester of pregnancy and am obviously showing. My workplace is pretty laid back and most of us joke around with each other, which could be why they feel comfortable with this issue. I have had many comments about how large my belly is; I’m assuming they think it’s okay because I’m pregnant since they don’t say anything about other people’s weight. I’ve heard jokes that I’m actually pregnant with twins, I’ve been in actual arguments about whether or not I’m pregnant with twins, and just the other day someone said, “Wow, you’ve really gained weight!” I am not a confrontational person. All of this commentary has really made me self-conscious about my size. How do I politely shut this down? I still have a few months to go before maternity leave, and I know the comments will increase as my belly does.

Yep, people inexplicably think it’s okay to do this to pregnant people when they wouldn’t do it otherwise. It’s not!

Some options, depending on what you’re comfortable with:

* “Whoa, please don’t comment on my body anymore.”
* “I know you don’t mean anything by it, but I’m not comfortable with people commenting on my body and want everyone to stop. Thanks.”
* “Could y’all stop? I’m not sure why people think my body is up for discussion just because I’m pregnant but it’s really weird.”
* “Did you really just say that to me?
* “I’m going to do us all the favor of pretending you didn’t just say that.”

5. How do I get out of staffing an event for health reasons?

I occasionally go to external events on behalf of my organization. Last year, foolishly, I agreed to hold a stand at an event which was very far from my place of work, on a weekend day in the middle of my workplace’s busiest time of year. My colleague had to bail at the last second, so I spent 10 hours in a field manning a stall alone and spoke to 10 people. It wasn’t worth it for my organization strategically or financially, so my manager and I agreed we wouldn’t go again.

My boss’s boss (who helps organize the event, which supports a charity he is trustee of) didn’t consider that a good enough reason to not attend this year.

Meanwhile, my health circumstances have changed drastically since last year, and it is now no longer ideal for me to be on my own a long distance from home, unable to pack up and leave if I need to — which I might need to very quickly, if I become unwell. (Migraines! The worst!) I hadn’t disclosed these problems to him before but he demanded a “real reason” I didn’t intend to go, so I didn’t feel I had a choice.

Well, the event went well for his charity (I was ill, so wouldn’t have been able to go anyway), and now he’s talking about next year’s event as if I should be attending. I asked to discuss it privately later. I’m at my wit’s end. Can you give me a script to help me navigate this? My boss sits silently in these discussions and is supportive of me privately but doesn’t like to disagree with his boss.

“My health situation has changed since the year I did it, and my doctor says it’s no longer possible for me. I can provide support ahead of time like X and Y if someone else goes, but I can’t be the person staffing the event.”

Better yet, say this to your boss and ask him to handle it with his boss for you.

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Training a fragile, insecure coworker has become Too Much

I have been trying to train a new(ish) coworker, Perdita, for just over a year, but she seems to be languishing and getting unhappier all the time. I have no authority over Perdita, don’t work directly with her on any projects, and was not involved in her hiring. In theory, I’ve just been showing her the ropes as a more experienced peer. We are both about the same age (early 30s).

The fundamental problem is that our role is one where you have to be comfortable operating without a lot of prescriptive instruction, and I just don’t think Perdita is. She seems to want to see a step-by-step, set-in-stone protocol for every single thing that’s asked of her. She gets upset and confrontational whenever she sees different people taking different approaches to the same types of projects, or when I suggest more than one way she could handle some aspect of her projects. Even with basic tasks, she gets stuck on granular details, freezes up, and gets emotional. For example, the first time she was asked to fill out a routine form requesting records from another agency, she came to me and asked, with tears in her eyes and her voice quaking, whether she should fill out a separate form for each date she was requesting records for or submit them all on the same form (the date field of this form has multiple lines) and whether she needed to fill out the fields in a box clearly marked For [Name of Other Agency] Use Only. I spent 20 minutes going over this one-page form with her, line by line, while she kept telling me she was “so scared” of filling it out incorrectly and “didn’t feel comfortable making those kinds of calls.”

By now, most people in the office have had encounters like this with Perdita and are limiting their interactions with her as much as possible. People assigned to projects with her prefer to simply work around her. She has noticed and occasionally has outbursts about feeling excluded. (She recently told the head of our office that he should require everyone to go back to working in-office full time because she “doesn’t get to make friends” while people are working hybrid schedules.)

I can’t begin to imagine what could be at the root of all this. I’m exhausted and just want to do my own work (which I otherwise love!). But I’m concerned this situation will keep snowballing if I “give up” on training her. As far as I know, management hasn’t taken any action, though I have raised this with them several times and they have witnessed the behavior for themselves. Does it seem to you like there’s a way to get her more comfortable in the role that I’m overlooking? Or failing that, a kind way to safeguard my own sanity?

It’s unlikely you’re going to find a way to get Perdita comfortable with her job a year in, given what you’ve described … and her manager needs to address that.

But right now, by not “giving up” on training her, you’re inadvertently allowing her boss to avoid dealing with the problem. Since you’re the one dealing with it, they don’t need to! Perdita comes to you and you hold her hand and walk her through the work, conveniently keeping all the burden off her management. That might have been appropriate when you were first training her but it’s not appropriate a year (!) later.

You said you’re concerned things will snowball if you stop, but it sounds snowballing is exactly what needs to happen to get any real action from management above you.

Have one more very clear conversation with your manager where you lay out your observations about Perdita’s work and habits and then say, “I’ve worked on training her for over a year now, but it’s taking up a large amount of my time and energy. I’m going to let her know that at this point she should be working more independently.” And then do that! If Perdita continues coming to you for this level of assistance after that, explain you need to focus on your own work and she should consult her manager if she needs help. Your manager is much more likely to take more action if it becomes her problem to deal with.

Read an update to this letter. 

2. The pumping room is being taken over for chair massages

I’m a new mom in a job that involves occasional travel throughout the state and last-minute assignments. My office is in the city, but I often work from home unless the assignments take me closer to the office (easiest to get the work done there than to waste time driving) or need to get out of the house.

I use the nursing room- the only room in my office without a glass door. Last week, HR sent out an email that announced “free 15-minute chair massages on Wednesdays beginning September 20.” While pumping today, I overheard a coworker tell another that the chair massages will happen in this room. Once again: all other offices and conference rooms have glass doors.

I emailed HR, and their response was, “Will you be in that day? It’s suggested that you come after 2 pm (AFTER THE MASSAGES). Let me know so we can find a solution for everyone.” I asked if this was a reoccurring event, and yes it was. They told me yes, but they told me if I gave them notice they can cancel/reschedule the chair massages.

Some flexibility is critical for my job. One day I can be working at home and then at 4 pm I could get a last-minute need to go two hours out the next day.

The sign-up sheet for the massages is already full. I feel like HR is putting this choice before me: on the random days I need to come in the office, I don’t and people can have massage days, or I do come in and I cancel it for everyone.

I don’t feel like they’re being malicious, they just forgot I need this. I’m the only nursing employee. The admin staff uses the mini fridge in the room for their food, while there’s a larger fridge just a walk down the hall. And an associate was trying to use it as a private office for calls and I had to ask her to leave so I can breast pump today. Any advice?

Try saying this: “I regularly need to come in with only a few hours of notice for work that’s critical to my job, and I will need reliable access to the room when I do. This feels like it will be a real conflict with that.” You might also add, “Separately, it’s important to me that people don’t perceive me (or nursing mothers in general) as the reason they’re losing out on a perk like massages, so I hope there’s a way for you to handle it that avoids that.”

Maybe it’ll occur to them to consider a second room without a glass door.

Read an update to this letter. 

3. Is my white board full of personal items unprofessional?

The office I was given and have worked in for two years had two big white boards in it. I work in fundraising so I filled one with prospects and ask amounts. I almost always meet with donors virtually or in their space, so they generally wouldn’t see this board. The other, I recently filled with personal photos and cards, three of my new baby, two photos from my wedding, etc. I figured it made sense to use this existing space in place of framing a couple of photos on my desk, mostly because I don’t like having a big blank whiteboard taking up so much of my wall.

On the one hand, I do work in a touchy-feely profession where saying “here’s a photo of my baby” can endear me to donors and colleagues. On the other hand, I worry that having much in the way of wedding and baby photos in a professional space could make people perceive me as young or unserious. I’m in my thirties, so not unusually young but I’m short with a high voice and talk quickly, so I might be perceived this way. For what it’s worth, I’ve been at this job for two years and I think I’m reasonably well-liked, so I don’t think the stakes are particularly high, just curious how it’s likely to be perceived.

It’s probably fine … although if you wanted the play-it-safe answer, there is a risk that it looks like Too Much. A couple personal photos, fine. A dozen personal photos is more than you usually see in most offices. Is it likely to be a real problem? No. Is it something you might want to modify if you’re trying to Optimize Your Professional Persona? Maybe. (Although I’d be a lot more concerned if it were a bunch of photos of nights out with friends or similar. Wedding and baby photos don’t scream “young” in that way.)

If you feel like you have to work to get people to take you seriously, or if you were in a more buttoned-up office, I’d be more inclined to suggest you change it. If you don’t feel like either of those are issues, I wouldn’t worry much about it.

4. I saw something on my manager’s screen that I shouldn’t have

I was just on a call with my supervisor. While he was sharing his screen, I saw a PIP document for one of my colleagues. Even though I’m famously nosy when people are sharing their screens, I just looked away. He definitely didn’t realize I saw it.

In the past, when we’ve been on calls with other colleagues, I’ve politely reminded him, “Hey, just so you know, you’re sharing your entire screen!” (He has literally started typing in Teams chats while we’re on a group call!). As a team we are always reminded to only share windows/files rather than our entire screens.

In this situation, with it only being me on the call, would it be worth sending him a quick note letting him know I saw a sensitive document? Or should I just continue to pretend I never saw it and let him learn the hard way since this is something he continues to do despite my vocal warnings and general team reminders? I’m very much a vault with these types of things, but other people aren’t. He’s fairly high-ranking in our company and I just worry about sounding condescending, or even making him feel terrible that he accidentally shared something so personal about another colleague.

Nope, just pretend you never saw it. That would be true in most cases, but it’s especially true with someone who you’ve apparently already given many reminders to and who has been ignoring those reminders. For whatever reason, he doesn’t care. I suppose it’s possible that this will be the one incident that changes his mind, but it’s unlikely.

5. Can I log overtime even if I had a lot of downtime in that pay period?

Can I still log overtime when I work extra hours even if, within the course of a work day, I generally have up to an hour or more of “downtime” where I am not actively engaged in a work-related task? Or, should I let it slide since there was downtime within work hours?

You should still log the overtime, and your employer is legally required to pay you for it. During that downtime, you’re still at work and presumably couldn’t leave the premises and go do your own thing (like go see a movie or run nude through a meadow), so that’s paid time. If you let it slide, you’ll not only be cheating yourself out of pay you’re legally entitled to, but you’d be exposing your employer to legal liability down the road.

It’s four answers to four questions. Here we go…

1. My coworker wants me to lock up my dogs so he can come to parties at my house

I’m a university professor, and I have a problem with a member of my department, Paul.

I realized that a lot of my friends with young children or elder-care responsibilities are struggling to socialize and I wasn’t getting to see them as often as I liked. So last year, I started a tradition where every month, my partner and I host a Sunday night dinner that is an open-house affair. I make a lot of food and invite all my friends. Kids are welcome, live-in relatives are welcome, houseguests are welcome; we just make room. A lot of my friends are fellow professors (some from my department, others not) and about a quarter to a third of the department comes to the event regularly.

The only stipulation is I have two large, sweet, well-trained dogs and I’ve made it known that I won’t shut them away for the event, even if someone has allergies or phobias. They are part of my family. They are very social and hate to be away from me and my partner if we are home. (Others are welcome to bring their dogs with them and usually one or two do.)

Paul and I are friendly, but we are not close. Some time ago I invited Paul to dinner and gave him a heads-up that we had large dogs. Paul indicated that was fine, but when he showed up at our house he was clearly terrified of the dogs and was rude about them when they approached him to sniff and greet him. We put them in another room and they made their great unhappiness about this known. If Paul had just said that he wasn’t a dog fan, I would have made a dinner reservation somewhere else. The whole incident soured me on Paul a little. I am polite and friendly with Paul and often find myself agreeing with him about department issues, pedagogy, and so forth, but haven’t made much of an effort to be his outside-work friend since then.

Anyway, Paul is pretty socially awkward, he is recently divorced, and I think he’s trying to make an effort to get out of the house more and make more friends. He approached me to ask if he could come to the next open house. I said of course he was welcome, but warned him that the dogs will be roaming, and probably not just my two. He texted me later to ask me to please consider shutting them away for the night and asking others not to bring theirs.

I really don’t want to do this, and technically this isn’t a work event. Part of me thinks Paul should start his own no-dogs-allowed open house if that’s the event he wants. But I feel a little bad for Paul and I don’t want to seem unwelcoming to a person I have to work with all the time. How should I respond?

Since these are casual, non-work-sponsored events, you don’t need to lock your dogs away if you don’t want to. If you were, say, the head of the department, you’d need to reconsider these events (not that you’d necessarily need to lock your dogs up if you didn’t want to, but then you should at least hold more events outside your house, since if you’re the boss, the dynamics are different). But that’s not the case here. It would be a kindness to consider doing it some of the time, but you don’t have to.

If you want to tell Paul no, you could say, “The dogs don’t do well when they’re locked up, unfortunately. But if you want to plan something that’s dog-free, I’d love to attend!”

If you’re up for it, it would also be kind to offer to do something away from your dog-inhabited house with Paul, like dinner out or similar. You don’t have to do that, but it would be a thoughtful gesture toward someone who seems to want to socialize (and including that offer in your reply about the dogs would be a way to soften it).

Also, don’t hold Paul’s previous fear of the dogs against him! Who knows why he thought he’d be fine but then wasn’t — maybe something about your dogs in particular made him uncomfortable (like size or a specific behavior) or maybe he was just overly optimistic about how comfortable he’d be, but I’m sure he didn’t set out to deliberately deceive you when he agreed to come over.

2. My employer wants me to donate the proceeds of my book to them

I work for a library that is structured as a nonprofit. I am co-writing a book on an aspect of youth librarianship. I don’t have a ton of experience in this area, so my contribution to the book will be mainly research, composing, and editing based. However, there are some facets of my job that I will discuss in the book. I brought up this side-writing with the library’s legal team. After some positive and supportive back and forth, I just received an email about the conflict of interest policy and not working on the book on library time. That all makes sense.

However, the email ended with, “In the interest of avoiding the appearance of a conflict based on financial gain, we ask that any author compensation arising out of your work on the book be donated to the library. To that end, please keep Legal apprised of any compensation you receive, if and when that occurs.” This doesn’t sit well with me. Is this normal? I couldn’t find anything online. I remember your posts about employee giving drives at universities and donating Vegas winnings, but this seems different?

I’m expecting the amount of money to be a couple thousand over maybe two years. I’d honestly rather give to another nonprofit, if it’s untoward/unethical/not worth the trouble for me to keep the money myself.

No, this isn’t normal or reasonable. It’s also nonsensical — if you can’t work on the book on work time (which makes perfect sense), on what grounds do they think they’re entitled to what you earn for it? I assume they’d try to argue that your job with them is what led to you being in a position to co-author the book — but that’s true of many, many things that lead to people writing books, and it doesn’t automatically entitle their employers to those proceeds.

I would reply, “Since I will be doing it on my own time and not as a representative of the library, I wouldn’t agree to a requirement to donate what I’m paid for outside work (just as I assume we don’t ask that of people doing other types of freelance projects) but the rest of this agreement looks good to me.”

3. How can I explain to coworkers that I’m working from home as a medical accommodation?

I’m having some trouble with coworkers who keep asking me when I’m coming into the office. I have a permanent work-from-home arrangement as a medical accommodation, and I really appreciate it. It works well for me and allows me to be productive and healthy.

For example, I need to lie down frequently, even sometimes during meetings. I need natural light, not overhead lights. The open office plan puts me in a constant state of tension and alertness that is not at all conducive to work. I’m also at high risk for COVID complications, and so I wear a mask still in public places which is tiring, too. It isn’t one specific thing but rather the combination that is the problem.

Do you have a simple script I can use to deflect questions from my coworkers about when I’m coming into the office? I know they are just being friendly, but I find it difficult to explain my medical conditions to them and feel awkwardly evasive when I don’t. My commute is trivial so that’s not a good deflection, and I don’t want to be known as fragile. I would like to be able to politely explain my situation without going into too much detail.

“I’m permanently remote.” That’s it! You don’t need to explain why. If someone expresses surprise (which they definitely might, especially if they have been told no one can work remotely), you can say, “It’s a medical accommodation.” You don’t need to explain more than that. It’s unlikely anyone will ask for medical specifics but if they do, that’s a real overstep and you can simply say, “Oh, nothing I want to get into at work, thanks for understanding.”

Read an update to this letter. 

4. Recruiter falsified employment dates before sending a resume to an employer

My husband was contacted by a recruiter about a job that seems like a good fit. The recruiter set him up with a first round interview with the employer, and then texted my husband to say, “By the way, I changed the end date of your last employment to current, otherwise the employer probably would have passed.” He has not been working for almost a year, and apparently the recruiter was worried that this would look bad.

Now my husband has an interview set up but only belatedly found out that the employer has a copy of his resume that incorrectly states his experience. What should he do? Send a corrected version? Just leave it and explain if they ask? Complicating matters, he was fired from his last job due to a mismatch in skills and poorly communicated expectations on the part of his old manager— he has an answer ready to explain this but would prefer not to draw attention to it. What is the right move here?

That recruiter was wildly out of line … and his misguided attempt to get your husband hired could end up torpedoing his chances. What does he think will happen if/when the employer does a background check and uncovers the lie?

In fact, that would be a good question for your husband to pose to the recruiter — “How do you suggest I handle it if we get to the background check stage?”

He might also ask if the recruiter expects him to lie in the interview. Does he want him to talk about his job in the present tense and make up some BS about why he’s thinking about leaving the “current” job? That’s not something he should do.

Beyond that, his safest course of action is not to proactively mention it to the interviewers, but also not to lie about the dates or imply that he’s still at the old job when he’s not. If he’s asked about why the resume says he is, he can explain he’s not sure what the recruiter sent but in fact he left that job last year. And he shouldn’t work with this recruiter again; someone who’s willing to be shady to his clients (the people who are paying him!) will be willing to be shady in his dealings with your husband too.