Ask a Manager

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. When can you use someone’s first name?

I’ve been wondering for years – what is the appropriate way to address someone once you’ve had an initial exchange? The first email typically says Ms. Blank, but once they respond, do you keep addressing them as Ms. Blank in every single email until you have an offer? Seems strange, especially if there are a few emails back and forth in the span of a day and they address you each time by your first name and also sign with their first name.

In a professional setting, when someone is addressing you by your first name, you can address them by theirs. You don’t need to put yourself on unequal footing. (In fact, I’d argue that in most professional settings in the U.S., you can start out with the person’s first name. There are some exceptions to this — the military, some parts of the government, some particularly formal workplaces — but in general, most adults these days call each other by their first names.)

Plus, when someone signs an email to you with their first name, that’s the equivalent of “Please, call me Alison.” They’re calling themselves by their first name in their interactions with you and expecting you to do the same.

2. I wasn’t included in a meeting I’d asked to be a part of

I asked a colleague to include me at a meeting to discuss an idea of mine to compliment our overall strategy for a particular project I am partially responsible for. She did not and I received a detailed list of directions from one of her colleagues as a follow up to the discussion I was excluded from. I am disappointed and feel undermined. What would you do in my situation?

I’d say this: “Jane, I heard from Apollo with a list of instructions that came out of the meeting on X. I was surprised I wasn’t part of that meeting, since we’d talked earlier abut making sure I was there.” Then see what she says. Depending on her response and the context around your project, the next step could be any of the following:

“Could you be sure I’m part of any future meetings on this?”
“When are you likely to meet about this next? I’d like to be there.”
“Before work moves forward, I’d like to sit down with both of you and work out Y and Z.”
“Apollo’s note raised some concerns about Y for me. I think we need to go back and revisit that before moving forward.”

In other words, direct, calm, and to the point.

3. Is there ever an okay time to disclose your current salary in the hiring process?

Is there ever an okay time to disclose your current salary in the interview process? I am paid about 30% under market value for my current job. I am looking to make a huge pay jump into my next one and obviously trying to avoid giving current salary information as much as possible. I’ve heard some employers will ask for pay stubs, not for your salary information but to verify your employment. If I’ve already negotiated my package and salary, is it okay to handover a W2 or pay stub? Is it possible that the company could come back and try to renegotiate my salary to a lower number?

If you didn’t disclose your salary earlier, it would be shocking and unlikely for an employer to try to lower your offer just because they later learned your salary.

But I’d also be surprised if you were asked for W2s and pay stubs as employment verification; typically verification is done by contacting the company directly, and those items would only come into play if for some reason they couldn’t (like if the company had closed down).

4. Avoiding toxic workplaces

I want to avoid joining another toxic workplace. I think a key indicator of a toxic workplace is when people leave frequently. I’m finishing a fixed term contract at the moment and will look for something new soon. In future job interviews I want to somehow ask “Why did the last person leave?” Or even better, “Why are people leaving the company?” It’s a tough question, but I’d like transparency and honesty. Leadership is becoming very important to me. A high turnover rate indicates bad leadership and toxicity.

I’d also like to request a lunch with the other members of the team, or the manager, to get a feel of the culture and the team. Does that seem reasonable? If they say no, I will probably turn down their offers.

Sure, you can ask, “Why did the person previously in this position leave?” It’s a normal question. So is, “What kind of turnover does the team have? Why do people normally move on?” But be aware that incredibly toxic companies can have perfectly reasonable-sounding answers to these questions, so it’s one data point but it’s far from everything, so here’s more advice on how to assess company culture.

Once you receive an offer, you can also ask to meet with others you’d be working with (but generally not before that), although how reasonable that request is will depend on the specific job (it’s probably not reasonable in a call center, for instance).

5. Interviewing when the job posting has disappeared

I’m actually asking this for a friend of mine. She got an interview with a company she really wants to work for, but the job description has disappeared from their website! She did not receive an automated confirmation when she applied and the HR rep called her to schedule the interview so she doesn’t have any email contact info. Should she call? What should she say? She feels like she had a good idea of what it was when she applied, but that was weeks ago! She wants to be prepared. What should she do?

Yes, she should call and ask if they can email her a job description ahead of time, noting that it’s no longer on her website and stating mildly apologetically that she doesn’t seem to be able to find her copy from when she applied. (Ideally she’d email this, but if she can’t find email contact info, then it’s fine to call.)

In general, it’s good to keep a copy of any job postings you apply to on your own computer, since they can indeed be taken down like this.

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Can you really leave a job off of your resume?

In one of your postings, you mentioned that it is okay to leave jobs off your resume if they aren’t relevant to the position to which you are applying. Does this mean it is okay to have gaps in your employment history? I had always thought you need to show that you had been consistently employed.

You don’t want to have big gaps on your resume. (A couple of months is fine; longer raises questions.)

As with anything that you consider putting on or leaving off your resume, you need to consider how it fits in with the overall package of your particular resume. A six-month gap 10 years ago? No one is going to care. An two-year gap 18-months ago? You’ll get questions. You may judge that the questions are preferable to including that job, or that they’re not, or all kinds of other judgments that will be specific to the details of your situation. But as a general principle, it’s fine to leave a job off your resume that you judge will hurt more than help (or that will just take up space more than help). But that judgment part is key to do — it’s okay to do, but you want to balance its impact on your resume, not on resumes in general.

2. Greeting coworkers by name when they don’t actually know me

I have kind of a daft question for you today, but here goes. I’m trying to develop the habit of using people’s names whenever I greet or thank them for something, and also when apologising, for example, for almost bumping into someone by accident at the tea station or something. It helps me to remember names, and I’ve noticed that I appreciate it when other people do the same. Obviously when greeting / thanking people, they know who I am so that’s fine, but saying “excuse me” / “sorry,” it might be anyone. This means that sometimes I do know the person’s name, because they’re a senior manager for example, but they might not recognise who I am in person because we’ve only exchanged emails or met very briefly (it’s a large department). Is it weird for me to use someone’s name in passing if they might not know exactly who I am?

I know it’s not a huge issue, but I just wondered what you thought.

No, it’s not weird! You work together, so it’s assumed that there’s a good chance that you know who they are. (It’s also a good way to nudge someone who thinks you are an anonymous, nameless, faceless coworker into recognizing you in the future, which is good for the cause of warmer, friendlier workplaces.)

3. My coworker asks me to get her a soda at lunch, every day

I am a doctoral student and administrative aide at a university. Last semester, a coworker had a medical issue that left her unable to drive so I would pick up lunch for her sometimes. I didn’t mind this at all and was actually very happy to help out a coworker when she needed it.

Fast forward a few months, medical issue long resolved… This coworker now frequently asks me to get her a soda on my lunch break, at least 3 or 4 times a week. I usually go home for lunch, so I have to go out of my way. She doesn’t even try to make it convenient, as my choices of where to “pick her up” a soda are limited to certain gas stations because she only wants to spend a dollar. “Fountain sodas at Place X are only $1, so you can get me one there”.” Thank you so much for not only giving me a personal errand to do for you on my one hour break, but also dictating where I am to go to further meet your needs! (End sarcastic rant.) Even if I am going somewhere for lunch, I still have to make another stop to get her soda unless I want to pay the difference. But it’s not about the price; it’s just the point. She just calls my office and casually says “Hey, could you pick me up a soda while you’re at lunch, thanks,” as if that dollar soda machine is in my home, just right on the way to my own refrigerator. To top it off, we have soda machines in our building! However, she apparently needs a big 32 ounce to make it through the day.

I never thought by helping her out last semester that I would have an additional task forever added to my daily schedule. I am baffled as to how she does not see how rude this is. I wouldn’t care about doing this occasionally, but it has gotten completely out of hand. I feel like it is just expected of me now and am unsure about how to handle the situation. I don’t want to seem petty, as it is just a soda, but I am very tired of feeling like I have to do this almost every single day.

It doesn’t sound like you’ve told her that you can’t, which is the solution to this. The obvious solution, too, if I can point that out — so it’s worth asking yourself if there are other areas of work life where you sometimes feel taken advantage of or resentful but haven’t actually spoken up to assert boundaries. (Apologies if I’m reading too much into a short letter — but you could end this so quickly by just explaining you can’t that I’m wondering it’s a larger pattern.)

In any case, it sounds like any of these: “Sorry, I’m going home for lunch.” Or, “Sorry, I’m not going to be anywhere with cans of soda for sale.” Or, “Sorry, I won’t have time today.”

4. Does this email mean that this company doesn’t want me to work there — ever?

I recently applied for a position with a start-up company and received the following rejection email. This isn’t the first time I’ve applied to this company (I really like the product and love the company and would one day love to work there). However, I think the email I received is basically saying that they don’t want me to work there … ever. Am I right or should I continue to apply for positions I’m a great fit for?

It said: “Thank you so much for applying for the role. It’s such a pleasure to hear from you again. We take it as huge compliment that you’d be willing to align your path with [the company]. :) There’s nothing greater for a company. We’ve made the tough decision not to bring you on board, but please do keep in touch in the future. Any one who would volunteer to make [the company] users happy is a great friend of [the company]. :) We’d love to hear what you’re up to down the road!”

Yeah, it’s a bit ambiguous, but it does sound like they’re basically saying “we evaluated you and it’s not the right fit; we feel warmly toward you but it’s unlikely to ever result in employment.” That might feel insulting, but employers — especially smaller employers — can reasonably reach that conclusion about smart, talented people who just aren’t aligned with what the company needs in one way or another. And it’s a tricky message to deliver, which could explain why it’s somewhat ambiguous.

That said, it’s not entirely clear that that’s what they meant — it could just be an confusingly written rejection for this one position — and it’s not like you have anything to lose by reaching out in the future if they have an opening. But I’d be prepared for the possibility that this company and you just aren’t the right fit.

5. Should I tell my mentor about my upcoming career change?

I recently landed a job in a field related to my master’s degree. While this is my first job in my industry, it is not my first job, as I’ve worked in related fields, struggled, and then went to graduate school to learn new skills and network in this new industry. Because of this, I am still pretty close with my graduate school network, including trusted professors, especially some who were my bosses or mentors at one point or another.

While I was in my master’s work, I participated in a six-month student research program funded by my current employer. Completion of the research program turned into the entry-level job I have now. The students in the program were mentored by the same professor, who was very integral in our job hunt before and after graduation, as she had a network of former students and colleagues that she could refer us to. This same professor also taught some of my master’s courses, and I consider her a great mentor, and probably my strongest reference in my grad school community.

After about a year into my new job, I have realized I’d like to work in a related area in my industry, a career that would really use the skills I learned in my master’s program. However, I am uncertain as to whether or not I should inform my professor of this career move before I land at a new job. Since she is also mentoring the same research program that my employer funds (and the program funnels graduate students into entry-level jobs at my company), I am worried I risk the likelihood of future students being placed at my company. I also worry that she may feel burned for helping me in the past for my job search. However, if I do not tell her, I feel like she may wonder if something is amiss in my company (and would want to know for the future of the research program), and I may miss out on networking opportunities if she knows that I am looking. If you have any insights into how to frame an email message to her (if you think one would be appropriate), I’d really appreciate it.

Tell her! If she’s at all reasonable, she understands that people sometimes switch their professional focus, and she’ll appreciate hearing an update from you, along with your thanks for the help she’s given and the role she’s played in your career thus far. It’s unlikely that she’ll stop placing students with your employer in the future, or even that she’d stop being a reference for you. Career changes aren’t personal, and any good mentor knows that.

However, is the relationship one where it would make sense to call her rather than emailing her? Giving her a call would allow you to have a warmer conversation with real back and forth.