workplace wellness programs aren’t so effective — surprise!

by Alison Green on January 13, 2014

A new study has found that employer wellness programs — workplace programs that encourage employees to lose weight, manage their stress better, or make other lifestyle changes, with the aim of saving employers money on health care costs — resulted in no net savings at all.

Here’s an excerpt from the New York Times about the study:

A study by RAND researchers and executives of PepsiCo, published online Monday in the journal Health Affairs, found that programs aimed at helping people with chronic illnesses stay healthy, by educating them and reminding them to take medication, resulted in significant cost savings. But so-called lifestyle management offerings, which aim to reduce health risks through programs focusing on weight loss or stress management, resulted in no net savings at all.

The study examined more than 67,000 people eligible to participate in PepsiCo’s “Healthy Living” wellness program, which includes both disease management and lifestyle components for employees and their families. (PepsiCo provided funding for the study.) … Researchers estimate that disease management lowered health costs by $136 per member per month, mostly thanks to a 29 percent reduction in hospital admissions. Lifestyle programs, however, had no significant effect on health care costs.

… The RAND findings don’t mean that lifestyle programs don’t have benefits; participants reported a small drop in absenteeism, for instance. But the lifestyle portion of the program “did not provide more savings than it cost to offer,” Dr. Mattke said.

This is bad news for the company whose wellness program included publicly sharing employees’ weights and other companies that have been annoying their employees with misplaced wellness initiatives … and comes as no surprise to those of us who feel that our lifestyle choices are none of our employers’ business and would strongly prefer that they keep their guidance to us work-related rather than attempting to act as doctor, parent, or nanny.

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5 ways to make job hunting easier on yourself

by Alison Green on January 13, 2014

Looking for a job is one of the most frustrating and anxiety-producing experiences that we have in our adult lives, especially if the search stretches on longer than anticipated. If you’re one of the many people who is finding that your search is taking months longer than what was typical in previous job markets, here are five ways to make this maddening process easier on yourself.

1. Don’t take it personally. It’s tempting to take it personally when you’re rejected for a job that you thought you were perfect for or when you don’t hear back from an employer after they promised they’d call you. Rather than becoming offended, hurt, or bitter or starting to feel like a failure, you’ll be far better served by removing your emotions from the equation as much as you can. Job hunting is filled with rejections, even for great candidates, and if you take the way employers treat you as a measure of your worth, you’ll never want to get out of bed again.

2. Remember that candidate time is different than employer time. When you’re job searching, time feels like it moves incredibly slowly – you send it in your application and then wait what feels like ages to get called for a phone screen, and then wait ages to be invited to an in-person interview, and then time stretches even longer when you’re waiting to hear if you got the job. But on the employer’s side, things are different: Hiring managers are juggling lots of other priorities, and hiring often isn’t their top priority. While you’re waiting anxiously for your phone each hour for 10 days, they might not even have begun glancing through their stack of applications. It can help to remember this difference and not get too worked up about why you haven’t heard back yet.

3. After you apply for a job, mentally move on right away. Too often, this is what goes through a job seeker’s head after applying for a job: “I wonder when I’ll hear back. Maybe by the end of this week? … I would be really good at this job. I hope I get it … It’s Wednesday and I haven’t heard anything yet. I wonder what that means. Maybe I’ll hear tomorrow.” And on and on. It’s far better for your peace of mind to put that job out of your head as soon as you’ve submitted your application because there’s nothing to be gained by agonizing and waiting and wondering. Let yourself be pleasantly surprised if you get a call. And if they don’t, you’ll already have moved on anyway.

4. Don’t speculate on what might be happening behind the scenes or try to read clues in what interviewers say to you. Because job searching can be frustrating and full of disappointments, and because employers can be so difficult to read, job seekers often try to find clues about their candidacy in things that employers say and do. But plenty of what job seekers take as “signals” from employers really don’t actually reveal anything at all. For instance, showing you where your new office would be, telling you that your qualifications are perfect, and calling your references doesn’t mean that a job offer is coming your way. You might never even hear from that employer again! And on the flip side of that, don’t assume you’re out of the running just because the employer re-advertises the job or doesn’t get back to you by when they said they would.

5. Cut off annoying friends and relatives who pressure you about your job search. When you’re searching for a job, you might hear from lots of people who want to help – but who pick the wrong way to do it. If your mother is hounding you with constant requests for updates or your friend is pushing bad resume advice on you, it’s okay to request a moratorium on job search conversations. Say something like, “I’m grateful for your concern, but I would love to take a break from thinking about it. I’ll let you know when I have any news to share.”

I originally published this at U.S. News & World Report.

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my coworker is having a phantom pregnancy

by Alison Green on January 13, 2014

This was posted on Friday’s open thread, and the letter-writer later emailed it to me as well. She writes:

I have a coworker who is having a hysterical pregnancy. She’s near 60, and even though her doctor told her she’s in menopause, she’s convinced he’s wrong and that she’s pregnant.

She’s very happy, this is not affecting her job yet, and she’s performing if anything better than usual. She just announced, so no one has really responded by anything more than a non-committal “huh” — but come Monday, what’s the most compassionate way to respond? Humor the delusion? Assume she’s one of the .00whatever % who can conceive naturally and accidentally in her late 50s, and respond accordingly until proven otherwise?

She’s always been emotionally very sensitive and I get the sense she’s fragile, but has never presented anything like this before.

She’s openly telling people, and Monday the talk will be flying freely. Besides stopping any active mocking, I don’t know what else to do. 

I’m not HR and she doesn’t report to me – I have no idea how they should handle something like this. Any advice?

This question made me think of Lars and the Real Girl. If you haven’t seen it, you should — Ryan Gosling plays a sweet but painfully shy guy who develops a romantic relationship with a … well, a very life-like sex doll named Bianca. He relates to her as though she’s real (and is very gentlemanly!), and his small town responds by welcoming Bianca into their community because of their support for him.

I think that’s the approach you need to take here — in other words, respond as if she’s right until/unless she announces otherwise. After all, while there’s only an infinitesimal possibility that she’s right, there’s still that chance … and it would be pretty awful to respond as if she’s delusional if in fact she’s not. Plus, if at some point she realizes that there never was any pregnancy, it’s probably going to feel worse to her to realize that everyone knew all along. And it doesn’t sound like you’re close enough with her to have the type of heart-to-heart that you might have with a close friend or relative.

You can certainly encourage her to talk with her doctor if you get the sense that she hasn’t, as any pregnant woman should, but beyond that, I think your role is just to be compassionate. (And you’re absolutely right to stop any mocking, of course.)

I’d give the same advice to HR or her manager, since it’s not something that’s interfering with her work; it’s something that she’s going to need to work out in her own time, outside the workplace.

The best role you can play is just to be a kind spot in her life.

Read an update to this letter here.

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I don’t want to drive an oversized company vehicle, security guard is addressing me by my first name, and more

by Alison Green on January 13, 2014

It’s five short answers to five short questions. Here we go…

1. I don’t want to be the backup driver for an oversized company vehicle

A couple years ago, I agreed to be trained (by a professional) as a backup/substitute driver for an oversized vehicle my business utilizes. At first, I thought it would be a fun change of pace compared to my daily desk job duties, but I’ve grown to dread it and become anxious every time I’m asked to drive. A couple of very minor accidents have occurred while I’ve been at the wheel, and I worry that one day something more serious might happen.

My manager is aware of these incidents and my increased dislike of driving, and her response has been “how can we make this easier?” or “there’s no one else who can do it.” Since we can’t make the vehicle smaller or the streets wider, I feel like it’s hopeless. Just practicing more isn’t going to cut it either, in my opinion. My manager says they will ultimately train more people, but they’ve yet to pursue it and we’ve recently been left with a number of staff vacancies. The other day it occurred to me that even though the business’s insurance would cover an accident, if it was deemed my fault, I could end up with a traffic ticket and a black mark on my DMV record, right? This is just going to make me worry even more! How can I successfully back out of an assignment like this?

“I appreciated the opportunity to give it a try, but after the several accidents, it’s clear to me that I can’t safely drive this vehicle. I’m not comfortable risking my safety and the safety of others, or the black marks on my driving record, so I need to permanently step down from doing it.” If she pushes back, say, “I understand, but it’s become a safety issue. We need to get another backup trained, because I’m not comfortable doing it. I’m sorry about that — I wish I were.”

2. My manager asked if I don’t respect her because she’s a woman

My current manager and I do not get along very well, and there is definite tension. My performance, though, is consistent and is definitively better than most, so there is no risk of me losing my job.

During my end of the year review, however, she asked me, “Do you not respect me as your manager because I am a woman?” I was totally taken aback by the question, but answered the question honestly (no, gender has nothing to do with it). Is she allowed to ask me those kinds of questions? If no, what is my recourse as an employee? Should I be doing anything to log these types of incidents?

Yes, she’s allowed to ask you that. I’m not sure what she hoped to gain by it — it’s fairly unlikely that you’re going to tell her that you don’t respect her because she’s a woman, unless you’re seriously an ass — but there’s no prohibition on her asking, nor any reason for you to log the incident.

Also, for whatever it’s worth: Answering “gender has nothing to do with it” is as good as saying “I don’t respect you, but your gender isn’t the reason why.” That’s not likely to help the relationship. And I wouldn’t assume that there’s no risk of you losing your job despite your performance; people can and do get fired all the time just because their boss doesn’t like them. And even if they don’t get fired, they often lose out on growth opportunities, end up first on layoff lists, and other bad consequences. If you can’t repair the relationship, I’d make sure you’re at least looking at other options.

3. Security guard is addressing me by my first name and I don’t like it

I am a contractor and the security guard at the company singles me out every morning by saying good morning and using my first name. I try to ignore him, but he stands in front of the door I need to pass through. Now odd people I do not know are addressing me by my first name. I do not like it. Also, he shows up in different parts of the plant. I feel like he is keeping track of me. I am considering contacting my contract company. What do you think?

Is it possible that he uses your first name because he’s friendly and it’s common to address people by name, and he shows up in other parts of the plant because he’s a security guard and it’s his job to be moving around? And that other people are addressing you by name because that’s friendly behavior in most workplaces? Unless there’s more to this than what’s here, I don’t see how you could complain about this without looking pretty out there.

4. School fired me and is holding final paycheck until I complete student narratives

My husband and I worked at the same school. For whatever reason (they did not give us one), they let us go on the last day of the semester. They do not do report cards in this school; they do narratives – a very long process and many hours of work. My husband and I had started the narratives on our personal computer, which died before finishing the narratives. We recognized this might happened and so had emailed them to our work email accounts. When they fired us, they took our keys, badges, and locked us out of our email. We have no access to the narratives.

However, they say that until we finish our narratives, they will not pay us our last paycheck. We are required to print the narratives – about 3-5 pages each on every child – but they have taken the ability to print at school, leaving us to do this with our home printer and ink — which we need now to find new jobs with. Are we honestly required to spend another 4 or so hours to do these narratives when they have fired us?

They cannot hold your last paychecks. They’re required by law to pay you for all time worked, regardless of whether you finish the narratives (and your state law will tell you how soon you must receive those checks; generally it’s going to be within two weeks). However, you should finish the narratives anyway, because it’s the right thing to do for your students, but they should pay you for the time that it takes to finish them — and obviously they should give the files you need to finish them.

You should each contact them (separately, not as a unit) and say this: “I’d be glad to finish the narratives, but I need my work files to do so. Please email me the file titled ____ and I’d be glad to finish these up. Can you confirm that you will be paying me for that time, as required by state law? I’m also assuming that I’ll receive my last paycheck by ___, also as required by state law.”

(Google “last paycheck” and the name of your state to find out what their time limit is on that.)

5. What is this interview question getting at?

Why would they ask “What part of your house is the most organized?” during a retail interview? And “What is the least organized, and why?”

They probably have a theory that your answer will give them some sort of insight into your organization/cleanliness habits, and they’re probably looking for people with tendencies toward neatness.

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2 more reader updates

by Alison Green on January 12, 2014

Two more updates from readers —

1. The reader whose client hadn’t paid her yet

Well, a few days after I contacted you, my newspaper client did actually email me back. She responded by clarifying the terms of our contract, that although I sent my full invoice at the beginning of the month, she would pay it in bi-weekly installments, starting the next week. (I think this might be because they do not have very much money themselves, which you’ll see later in the story.)

So the week of Christmas, I got my first paycheck, which was about one-fifth of my total invoiced amount. I went and deposited in my bank account. Two weeks have passed and I was supposed to get another paycheck by now, but I haven’t yet. I thought it was weird but I figured maybe I’ll get it today or tomorrow?

I went online and checked my banking account. There was no money in there. What? I checked my banking history. The check from the newspaper had bounced … and I had been charged outrageous fees. I couldn’t believe it! It was such a paltry sum of money, and it got rejected for insufficient funds.

So right now I’m trying to figure out how to navigate this situation. Of course, I want to ask her for my money, plus the fees my bank hit me with. But I don’t really want a check because I have no guarantee it’s not going to bounce again. Also, in my contract it says I get paid biweekly by check, but I would like that to be reevaluated if this is an issue for them. Ugh, I hate this!

2. The reader with a jerky manager in an unsafe workspace (#6 at the link)

I wrote to you originally back in 2012 about an awful manager and some pretty horrifying work conditions.

I really, truly wanted to thank you and your readers for the responses. Seeing what they had to say really made me take a good look at how terrible the place I was at actually was.

I stuck around for about 6 months after sending in my question, but things really just got way out of control. We found out my manager had actually been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, but refused to take any medication for it, which explains his odd behavior. They started rolling out terrible, sexist policies that forced the women in the office to always wear makeup and have their hair down, otherwise we would be written up. (We couldn’t wear our hair in buns, braids or ponytails, in a call center where we all wore headsets!) The policies were actually so ridiculous I made of copy of it to take home and show everyone. It’s over 11 pages long and just describes exactly what women should look like when we’re on the job. Strangely, however, there were no restrictions on what the men could wear/look like. As for the other things, like black mold on the ceiling and rusted fire sprinklers, people put in complaints with OSHA, but from what I hear that still hasn’t been fixed.

However, none of that is what made me actually leave the company. It wasn’t until I was told not to talk to anyone (management, law, coworkers, ect.) about a customer who committed suicide on the property. Without explaining the details of the situation, I had been frantically trying to get security to check on the woman for over 40+ minutes, and when they finally reached her, she had passed. They asked me not to talk about it because had they gotten to her sooner, they actually could have saved her life. The situation they put me in stressed me out so much that my hair started falling out, and I would just cry for hours before going to work, to the point where I would vomit. Just thinking about it today makes my blood boil.

This will be the only job that I ever quit without notice, which I know is not something I should do, but I went in about 2 hours before my shift and told my manager that I was done. I was without a job for a couple of months, but I had my sanity and dignity back. Now I work at one of the greatest places in the world, a place that actually cares more about its workers’ physical and mental health than just getting the work done. I wish I had listened to everyone’s advice sooner to get out of there, but if nothing else I hope someone out there will see this and realize no job is ever worth suffering over!

I’m forever grateful for your advice on resumes, interviewing, and terrible awful jobs.

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my coworkers think I’m too enthusiastic, telling my competition that we’re up for the same job, and more

by Alison Green on January 11, 2014

It’s five short answers to five short questions. Here we go…

1. Should I ask for a job offer before flying out for an interview?

I have had two phone interviews that went extremely well, then a Skype interview that also went well. Their next step is to have me fly there to meet the team. I would prefer an offer prior to taking the time out to fly there. Should I go ahead and ask for the offer beforehand and tell them I could make the trip a house-hunting trip if I decide to take the offer?

Well, no, because they haven’t decided that they want to make you an offer; that’s part of the point of having you come out there to interview in person. “Meet the team” doesn’t mean “leisurely social occasion.” This is part of their interview process.

Saying that you won’t fly out without an offer is likely to have them just remove you from the hiring process. When you apply to out-of-town jobs, part of the package is that you might need to travel there for an interview; that’s just part of the deal.

2. Should I tell my competition that we’re up for the same job?

I have the inside track on a senior executive position, returning to a previous employer. A former colleague (from another company) emailed me because he interviewed with this company too. I honestly answered his basic questions about the community, management, and company but didn’t mention that I was in discussions with them about a job myself. They’re hiring for a few jobs, but it’s probably the same one.

Now he followed up to say his interview went well and ask more questions about quality of life in hopes he’ll be called back in. In the meantime, my second interview was scheduled, and I know they are only interviewing a couple other candidates again. The CEO’s stated intent is to put me and one other before the board in the final round.

I’m torn about what to do now. On one hand, this is business and I really want the job. I’m thankful knowing who I’m up against. I like and respect this person, but we’re not close. I’m confident I am the stronger candidate, but hesitant to disclose that I’m the competition, which could help them prepare for their next interview.

Is it bad karma to stay quiet? Is it ok to again answer honestly, but not disclose? Do I ignore the email? Or is the best thing to tell them and not answer any more questions? Knowing this person, if I answer honestly, I wouldn’t recommend relocating here because of their concerns. But I feel that honestly answering could be interpreted as trying to scare them off.

You should tell them that you’re also talking with the company about a job, which may or may not be the same role. Otherwise, if you get the job, it’s going to be really awkward with your former colleague, who will think that you withheld pretty pertinent information from her while she was asking you for advice on the job for herself. Or, if she gets the job and you don’t, it’s possible that she’ll find out that you were a finalist for it, and it’ll be just as weird that you didn’t mention it. Besides, it’s unlikely that simply knowing that you’re a candidate too will give her a leg up.

So yes, let her know. And don’t say that you wouldn’t recommend relocating here, even if you sincerely believe that’s the right answer for her. Just answer her questions honestly and straightforwardly and let her draw her own conclusions.

3. My colleagues don’t like how enthusiastic I am about our sales competitions and incentives

I work in a competitive sales environment where there are bonus opportunities and other performance driven incentives. I am quite competitive, and of course where there’s competition I like to win. I am no sore loser though, as I strongly believe it’s the taking part that counts and always give it my all without being ruthless. However my colleagues don’t seem to like my enthusiasm and I often get ridiculed by them for it, e.g. telling me to “calm down, it’s only a prize” (whatever it may be that day/week/month) when I get excited about an incentive. I also hate when they tell me to “get a life” when I express how much I love my job and how lucky I am to have found a job I actually like. Other times, I get the feeling that I am annoying them just by being me and doing my job well and enjoying it too. I am quite a positive person, and sometimes all my colleagues seem to do is moan and groan about the most trivial things about work.

I’m getting sick of it but don’t know what I can say or do to change things. It’s starting to get me down a little, as I know some of my colleagues talk about me behind my back because I actually caught a pair of them in the act and confronted them about it. Of course, they just brushed it off as “banter.” Sometimes I feel like I’m back at high school, with me as the geek and the rest of my colleagues as the “cool kids” who don’t seem to get that the point of our job is to be enthusiastic and competitive. I know that they are probably just jealous of my successes or maybe there are some of my coworkers who are as passionate as me but playing it cool. I also think sometimes maybe they are mega game playing and keeping their cards close to their chest because some of them do have just as good sales figures as me, if not better, yet they still grump and groan and don’t really show any enthusiasm for winning bonuses or incentives (until they do win of course!). I really need some advice on how to deal with this kind of office politics as it’s starting to make me dislike my workplace because even though I try to be nice and upbeat with my colleagues, they are continuously negative and I dont want to end up hating a job I love just because of the people.

Well, there’s certainly nothing wrong with being excited about competitions and incentives. That’s exactly the reaction your company hopes that you’ll have, after all. But it sounds like you might be sharing your excitement a bit too much with people who don’t see things the same way you do, and that you might be better off not attempting to share it quite as much with people who aren’t as into it as you are.

Think of it like anything else: If you were passionate about, say, Game of Thrones and talking about it all the time, your colleagues who were not so into Game of Thrones might get annoyed and want you to tone it down. In this case, you’re assuming that your excitement is focused on a shared interest — since you all work on the same team — but in fact, they don’t really share that interest, not in the same way that you do. I know that that sucks to hear, especially if you’ve been assuming that this is a group ready-made to share your perspective, but … they just don’t. You can still be excited, and maybe you can find other people there who get excited too … but you’re probably setting yourself up for disappointment if you’re looking to unenthusiastic colleagues to welcome displays of enthusiasm. (It could also be a culture fit issue, and you might take that into account the next time you’re looking for a job — there are workplaces where this kind of energy is a perfect fit.)

4. I missed a call from a hiring manager who didn’t leave a message

I had an interview last week that I feel went reasonably well. The hiring manager had said they had some more interviews scheduled and would make a decision in the next few weeks. Three working days after my interview, I saw that I had a missed call from the hiring manager, but they did not leave a voicemail message. I waited another day and did not hear from them again.

What does this mean and what should I do? Did I not get the job and they just didn’t want to leave me a voicemail saying so? Do I call them back? I feel it’s a little needy to call and say “I saw that you called but didn’t leave a message.”

I don’t know why they called and didn’t leave a message. It could be anything. Maybe they were having trouble reaching your references but then it got resolved. Maybe they had a question for you. Maybe they meant to call someone else. We can’t know.

But I can promise you that if they want to offer you the job or talk to you about anything else, they will call you and do that, and that’s all that really matters here.

However, when it’s close to the end of the “few weeks” that they said they’d need to make a decision, you can certainly check in with them and reiterate your interest.

5. Our checks are held a day after payday

I just started working for a locally owned medium-sized retail store in New York. I worked for the owner of the business before at another store that he owned but decided to close, so I’ve been moved to this current store. Anyway, I’ve been told by some of the employees (including a couple of managers) that payday is every Friday, but the general manager does not distribute the paychecks until Saturdays after 2 PM per instruction of the owner. The paychecks are dated for Fridays. Is this legal? I wanted to contact our local department of labor to ask them this question, but I feared repercussions coming back on me and losing my job if it wasn’t legal.

New York requires that you be paid at least twice a month. (There are some exceptions to this; for instance, railroad employees must be paid on or before each Thursday and must receive the wages earned up to the Tuesday of the week before. I don’t know why.) As long as you’re receiving your paycheck within the amount of time the law requires — twice a month, in your case — what your employer is doing is legal. They’re allowed to tell you that payday is Friday and date the checks on those days, but not distribute them until Saturday … as long as you’re receiving them at least twice a month.

Since you know they’re distributed Saturday, I’d just look at that as your payday and ignore what they say about Fridays.

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someone accused me of crying at work — but I didn’t

by Alison Green on January 10, 2014

A reader writes:

I am a graphic designer at a big consulting firm. I have only been here 6 months, so I’m slowly building my reputation. I was working on a big video production project with a managing consultant, and 4 days before their pitch to the client, his boss (a partner at the firm), basically changed everything so I would have to re-do the whole project. Therefore, I needed to sacrifice my weekend (our meeting was Thursday and the pitch was Monday) to work on this before their deadline. I was okay with working over the weekend — I am non-exempt and got overtime. I clocked in 62 hours that week working on this project, and I really do believe I went above and beyond expectations to make sure they got their video in time for the client presentation (I did deliver the video on time and the client loved it).

Here is the perplexing part. Today, my supervisor asked me if I cried at the meeting last week. Because I put in so much overtime, my supervisor connected with the senior partner on the project, asking why they decided to go in a completely different direction so late in the process. I was told that the senior partner replied that if I wanted to work at the firm, I needed to stop bursting into tears when they gave me feedback. I guess the managing consultant I was working with told the senior partner that I cried when I received feedback to change the video completely — which is absolutely 100% NOT true. I am angry that the managing partner lied about my reaction, dragging my reputation through the dirt. I have other coworkers who saw me directly after the meeting who can vouch that I did not leave the room with tears streaming down my face.

I am angry and I want to directly confront the managing consultant about his lie about me losing my professionalism in front of him – but doing just that would probably prove that I am unprofessional. What do I do? Do I just let it go and let my reputation get bashed?

I wrote back and asked: “Do you know why he said that? Was your reaction upset, just no tears?” She replied:

I really don’t. I took a couple of deep breaths, so I was quiet for a little bit (maybe 1-2 minutes?), but after I collected myself, I did start making suggestions and offering what I could do to realistically accommodate their suggestions at the last minute. I suppose this could be interpreted as “fighting tears” minus the moisture of the eyes, but definitely not “bawling,” as it was described to me.

My gut reaction is that the manager didn’t want to take responsibility for going in the wrong direction with the video project so late in the game in the first place, and blamed my reaction as a reason contributing to his decisions, but I’m really not sure why he would just blatantly lie about something like this. Prior to this incident, I actually thought we had a good rapport and he was very easy to work with – so I’m at a loss why he would say something like this about me.

Okay, that context helps. Obviously, you’d know if you were crying, and you weren’t. But the reaction that you describe — getting quiet for a couple of minutes, taking deep breaths, and then collecting yourself — reads strongly as “intensely upset.” Now, it’s not bawling; it’s not even crying. But you know how people sometimes describe someone as “yelling” at them when the person isn’t really yelling but is using an angry/serious tone? I suspect it’s the same thing here. You were visibly upset, and that’s what he was conveying, just with sloppy language.

Really sloppy language, yes. But I doubt he intended to lie; he just described it in bad shorthand.

I would go back to your manager and say something like this: “I was taken aback when you told me that Bob said I ‘burst into tears’ in that meeting. I wasn’t even close to tears, and I’m not sure why he interpreted it that way. I did feel upset for a minute or two, but there were certainly no tears, or anything approaching tears. I realize that I shouldn’t have even let myself look upset, and I’m going to work on that in the future because I know it’s important to project calm, even in the face of frustration — but I really don’t want it out there that I cry at feedback, because I don’t.”

A key piece of this is that you’re making it clear that you do know that calmness in these situations is important and you’re going to work on projecting it. The reason that’s important is that if you don’t say it, your manager may wonder if you don’t get that and so she needs to watch out for it with you in the future. By letting her know that you’re on the same page as her about that — that you’re on top of any issues here — you defuse the need for her to be on top of it.

Beyond that, I’d just let it go. I wouldn’t confront the managing consultant about what he said. I don’t see any good that can come of that, and I really don’t think he set out to lie about you. I’d just make a point of doing excellent work and showing that you’re calm and unflappable when he and others are around … which is going to serve you better than a confrontation with him.

And while we’re on the topic of tears at work, some previous posts on crying at work:

should I apologize to my boss for crying in front of her?
I cried in an interview and later accepted the job
crying at work and smart bosses

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do I have to fake passion to get a job?

by Alison Green on January 10, 2014

A reader writes:

I’m getting so discouraged and wondering if I am missing some essential job hunting/interviewing skill. I have had three interviews in the last month (so I feel pretty good about the fact that my cover letter, resume, and networking are in good shape) but no job offer. The first interview I felt was not a great fit, the second one said they found someone with more similar experience (fair enough), but this last one really shook me up.

It was with a faith-based organization that is the faith that I practice, and I was completely and totally qualified. In fact, when I read the job description, I thought to myself: “That’s it!” I worked with a head hunter and went in for an interview. I thought it went really well. I felt comfortable and confident and qualified. The way the culture and values were described to me, in some detail, really got me jazzed. I really thought I had it in the bag.

The day after the interview, the recruiter called to say they were not going to offer me a job or pursue me as a candidate because I did not show enough interest in their mission. They felt I could have been interviewing for any old job, that I just wanted a job. That I seemed focused on what was in it for me, not that I was excited about or interested in their mission.

OK, so — is it my burning desire to work on their particular mission? No. It is my burning desire to use my skills to help an organization that does good, however, and this one seemed like a perfectly good cause, and, like I said, in my faith tradition, which I made perfectly clear in the interview. I talked about how lovely it would be to work for a place with a spiritual focus and faith-based values, how I know the culture and the language. But no, I did not say “I am totally psyched about your mission! I’ve been waiting my whole life to do this!!!”

I’ve been mulling this over and I can’t figure out if they are just a bit out there and asking too much, or if this is excellent feedback for me and something I really need to look at, especially since I am looking for a job in the nonprofit field. I am in communications, by the way. I always say, I’m not a doctor or a nurse or a social worker, but I want to use my communications skills to do good. I have 25 years of experience in health care and nonprofit. It’s what I do. But do I need to go to each interview as if that particular organization’s mission is central to my search? Isn’t it enough to present my skills?

Having said all that, I really do want a job and I am growing weary of the search, so maybe it simply showed. I just don’t know.

You don’t need to fake passion when you don’t feel it, but when you’re applying at cause-based or faith-based organizations, you often do need to show a strong interest in their mission. You don’t need to act as if it’s your life’s mission if it’s not, but you do want to appear particularly enthusiastic about what they do — more so than in other sectors. If they get the sense that you’d be just as happy working at a bank or a zoo as working with them, you’re signaling to them that you might not quite fit in with what they’re all about. Because what they’re all about is working toward some kind of change, and they want people on their team who are pumped about that.

It’s not just about passion, of course. Passion is no substitute for talent and a track record of results, and nonprofits run into serious trouble when they hire highly passionate candidates who aren’t actually well suited for the job. But it’s reasonable that they want people who think the work they’re doing is awesome. (And that’s especially true for positions that will be dealing directly with their mission, like communications. It’s generally less true for, say, I.T. jobs or accounting.)

So, how does all that affect you? Well, it’s possible that you displayed a completely appropriate amount of enthusiasm and excitement and these people are just unusual in how much of it they want to see. It’s also possible that you didn’t seem all that moved by what they’re doing. There’s a difference, after all, between “it would be nice to work here” and “what you’re doing is fantastic, and I’d be thrilled to be a part of it.”

I don’t know which it was, so I’d ask: Does their feedback ring true to you at all? Is it consistent with other things you know about yourself (that you’re very low-key, for instance, and that people often can’t tell how you’re feeling)? Can you talk it over with friends who might have a more objective perspective on you than you have of yourself? Can you experiment with being more openly enthusiastic in your next interview and see if it goes differently?

But beyond that, while you should certainly consider feedback with an open mind and not immediately disregard it as wrong, it’s also true if the feedback is only coming from one source and just doesn’t ring true to you, it’s entirely possible that it’s not on the mark.

And it’s also okay to decide that employers who require unusually intense displays of enthusiasm aren’t the right fit for you — no matter how good other aspects of the job sound — because that kind of thing doesn”t usually end at the interview.

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my boss’s kid punched me in the groin, how to factor overtime pay into salary history, and more

by Alison Green on January 10, 2014

It’s five short answers to five short questions. Here we go…

1. My boss’s kid punched me in the groin

I work at a university. My boss has an almost-5-year-old son, and she brings him into the office … a lot. It happens in spurts, but if you were to add it up and average it out, I’d think it would be about once a week. I work in an open bullpen, so even when he’s in her office, he’s usually making noise or listening to an iPad at a loud volume, when he’s not running around the office.

Today was extra fun, however, as I was standing and talking to her and another colleague about social stuff, and her son wandered up and punched me in the groin. My boss immediately forced him to apologize and then let him go to wander off and “explore” the rest of the office and picked back up in the conversation like nothing happened.

I also know that there are hours at work when she has a FaceTime connection between her work iPad and the one they have at home as a sort of remote babysitter. She doesn’t mute it or turn the volume down when someone comes into the office to discuss work items.

I stopped in at HR, and the university doesn’t have a specific policy about children at the office other than “use discretion,” but the HR director wasn’t at all surprised to hear that my boss had been bringing in her kid (indeed, she nailed it right on the head after I asked about the policy and asked for further info). Is there anything I should or shouldn’t be doing to either in terms of documenting what’s happening or better ways to handle what’s going on?

Your boss sounds like an inconsiderate boor — not to mention a crappy boss and probably a crappy employee — but there’s not a ton you can do here. If the HR person you spoke with sounded interested/concerned, you could follow up with them some more, but doing so risks causing tension in your relationship with your boss if it gets back to her (and it’s safest to assume that it would). One way to get cover in that type of situation is to be one of a group who’s complaining, so you could certainly encourage your coworkers to talk to HR as well, if they’re bothered by all this.

The other option, of course, is to say something to your boss directly, at least about letting the kid run around (pointing out that it’s both unsafe and disruptive), but that may or may not go well, depending on what type of person your boss is (and so far she’s not seeming too impressive). And of course, that won’t address the hours of FaceTime situation, which is something her own manager should be addressing.

Basically, your boss sucks and whatever management has let her get away with all this is pretty lame as well.

Read updates to this letter here.

2. My staff complains about having to come in on snow days

I work in a nursing home, and when it snows, all essential staff are required to come in despite the weather. Our company provides the services of the company bus picking people up at a few different central locations, as well as the option of staying over the night before the snow, in order to avoid having to drive in. While I understand that no one likes to sleep at their work place, the facility offers free meals, movie night with games and snacks to those staying, as well as a $50 bonus.

My staff in my department are considered essential. Every time snow is forecast, I meet with them and explain options, even letting them know of other staff who are driving from their area, so that they can hitch a ride if needed. They all have been made aware of the company’s policy. However, every snow day, I get teary phone calls from my staff explaining one thousand reasons why their situation is so much worse than everyone else’s (this is after they’ve refused to stay the night). I explain to them on the phone that it’s policy, they know their options, and if they don’t come in disciplinary action will be taken per the policy. They all act like I’m the devil, even though this is a standard for all essential departments. After so many snowy and icy days, it’s gotten to the point where they won’t even look me in the eye when I speak to them, or turn around when I come in to the office to talk to them about work-related items. While I know it’s not important for them to like me all the time, I feel that their respect and honest communication is key here, and it’s not happening. Am I being insensitive? I hate driving in the snow too, but still manage to get to work without complaint. Any suggestions?

I’d sit down with everyone and talk about this. Point out that it was a requirement of the job made clear when they were hired (it was, right?), they agreed to it when they took the job, and the reasons for the requirement (at a nursing home, it makes sense that you’d need staff there). Say that you know it’s difficult to do but it’s an essential part of the job, and ask for their input on whether there’s anything that would make it easier on people. From there, if it continues happening, I’d talk with people individually who keep resisting the policy, remind them that this is a job requirement, and ask them to decide if it’s something they can commit to doing or not. If they can’t, it sounds like you might need to replace them with people who can.

3. How to factor overtime pay into salary history

My current salary is around $42,000 with overtime. However, I work a substantial amount of overtime — I looked at my cumulative pay stub over the year, and I took in about $20,000 of overtime. When I go into negotiating my salary for my next job, what would be the best way to approach this discrepancy in my salary? I would love to go in at $60,000, but I’m afraid that it looks like such a huge difference on paper.

Well, ideally you wouldn’t be talking about your salary history at all, since it’s no one’s business but yours. Your want to negotiate based on the market rate for the new job, not what you’ve earned in the past. But if you’re dealing with a company that insists on knowing your current salary and you decide to play along, you can say, “I earned $62,000 last year,” which is accurate. If you want, you can add, “with some of that in overtime pay.” (But keep in mind that if the job you’re negotiating for is likely to pay less than that, you might be shooting yourself in the foot by doing that. In that case, you might be better off saying, “My salary is $42,000, plus overtime pay.”)

4. What should I wear when meeting about volunteer opportunities?

I’ve done a few unpaid internships at nonprofits, and for meeting with the people I’d be working under and for the actual internships, I always wore jeans, sneakers, and a plain long-sleeve t-shirt. (I consider them “meetings” and not “interviews” because they always ended with “Well, let us know if you decide that you’d like to intern here” instead of me competing against other people and asking when I’d hear back from them.) At the time, I thought I should be expected to be clean and neat, but that getting dressed up wasn’t necessary since I wouldn’t be getting paid and it all seemed very informal. No one ever said anything to me about it, which kind of reinforced to me that it was okay.

I haven’t been able to get a job despite the internships, so I’m starting to look at small nonprofits to contact about volunteering. I realize now that I should ask about dress codes if I agree to do any sort of work, but what should I wear while meeting with people from the nonprofits to discuss volunteering opportunities? I’d feel silly dressing up, but I’m really not sure if what I was wearing before was inappropriate or not. The only vaguely relevant post I could find on your blog was about what to wear at nonprofit interviews, which I don’t think applies. 

For volunteering, it’s fine to wear something that’s less formal than a suit, but more formal than jeans and a t-shirt — pants that aren’t jeans and a nice top, for instance. For some nonprofits (an animal shelter, for instance), you could go more casual than that — but if you’re not sure, you should err on the more formal side of things. And yes, I know it’s volunteering rather than paid work, but you want to signal that you take the opportunity seriously. These are also people who will become part of your professional network and can potentially connect you to paying work, so it’s smart to be strategic about the impression you give. (I’d say the same thing for your internship interviews, too — jeans and sneakers is too informal, even if the process wasn’t competitive and you weren’t going to be paid.)

5. My company only gives some people website portal access, which we need in order to work overtime

Where I am working, all the employees must have access to our website portal in order to do their job. Well, there are a handful of employees who do not have access, for whatever reason. There has been plenty of overtime offered lately but not to those of us who do not have portal access. Is this legal? I realize the issue for me is that without portal access to the website, I can’t do my job. However, I’m not the reason why I can’t do my job. This falls on the company and their IT department. I feel like I’m being singled out when not offered overtime, because if I did have portal access I would jump at the opportunity to work overtime. Again, is this legal? Can a company offer overtime to certain employees when others aren’t able to do their job due to the company?

Yes, this is legal. If they were basing who did and didn’t get portal access on a legally protected characteristic like race, religion, sex, etc., that would be illegal discrimination. But if it’s nothing like that — if it’s just that some people have it and some don’t — that’s not illegal. However, if you haven’t already, I’d talk with your manager and/or IT about how you’d really like the portal access so that you’re available for overtime work. That might or might not solve the problem, but it’s certainly worth a try.

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open thread

by Alison Green on January 10, 2014

IMG_0117It’s the Friday open thread! (I’m experimenting with weekly open threads this month, to see if they make the number of comments more manageable.)

The comment section on this post is open for discussion with other readers on anything you want to talk about. If you want an answer from me, emailing me is still your best bet, but this is a chance to talk to other readers.

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