Ask a Manager

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. How to tell a coworker I won’t give her rides to work

How do I politely tell a coworker I don’t give anyone rides?

I work in a cafeteria in a factory, it’s not on a bus route and I’m not even sure you can legally walk here since it’s off the expressway. We got a temp worker on afternoons and she’s asked me about sometimes giving her rides.

I don’t want to be rude, but I point blank don’t give rides. I sometimes need to stay later than she’s allowed to, I don’t want to have to worry about plans before or after work and honestly I’m a little late to work a lot (getting better at that though) and my car isn’t the most reliable; it’s broken down three times in the last year. And to be quite honest, I’m a firm believer that you need to know how to get to and from work before you take the job. Do you have any advice on how to say this without being rude?

“My schedule is so unpredictable that I don’t give rides — sorry I can’t help!” That’s it.

If she pushes after that: “I’m really not able to. Sorry!”

2. Should I keep pushing for a resolution to my coworker’s complaint about me?

I need advice on if I should keep chasing after an informal complaint about me was made to HR and my division boss in June. The complaint came from Fergus, who is more senior than me and has a long history of mental health issues. We had been friendly, doing things outside work (I organized a small trivia team; sometimes we had lunch; he had been to my house) and at work I was doing a lot of emotional labor to help him feel more comfortable. The complaint was that because of me, Fergus felt too uncomfortable to come into work and that I was impacting his mental health. I was devastated and mortified.

We don’t work directly together, but he had recently blown up at me in a meeting and said things I was uncomfortable about in the all-work Slack, relating to my work, so I stepped back from the friendship. He had been avoiding me since then; he would walk into the break room, see me, and walk out. I have not organized the trivia team since (although nothing is stopping the others from organizing it) and while I am being professional-friendly, I have not gone out of my way to do things for him or seek out his company.

In the meeting about his complaint, mediation was suggested. I said I didn’t think it would be helpful, but if my boss wanted it for the good of the division, I would — but only if the parameters were about work only and I wouldn’t be asked to do things other colleagues aren’t asked to do (for example, make sure Fergus feels comfortable socially). I also asked for a list of the things that made him uncomfortable, because of course I would stop if possible. I was told we’d touch base at the end of the week.

Since then, Fergus has been blowing hot and cold — actively seeking out my company (without ever referring to this) and actively avoiding me. I have been polite and professional, but I can’t trust him because he chose not to use any of the lines of communication we had (email, text, whatsapp, and more) and instead took this nuclear option, especially as I am on a fixed-term contract.

I have chased my boss and HR for an update five times now. The last time I asked HR for a resolution, especially for the things I’m doing that make Fergus uncomfortable, she said it was at the top of my boss’ list to email me, but two weeks later, nothing has happened (my boss is ridiculously busy).

I think maybe I’ve been making a tactical error in chasing. Part of me thinks maybe they realized this was someone upset about a friendship ending and were hoping it would quietly go away. But if that’s the case, I just want to know it’s resolved, not just have it disappear. I am angry that I had to go through this really anxious few months, especially as I still don’t know what it is I am doing that is making Fergus too upset to come into work. I will not re-start the extra emotional labor for him, and I don’t want to be friends outside work, but I am also scared that if we disagree in the one meeting we are in together, he will go back to HR. Should I keep chasing? Or should I just never mention it again?

You deserve a response! If your employer brings you a complaint that you’re making someone too uncomfortable to come into work — which is a serious thing — of course you deserve to understand what they mean and what they want you to do differently. It’s ridiculous that you’ve asked for follow-up five times without any response.

But regardless of how it should be handled, it’s looking highly likely that you’re not going to get any substantive follow-up. You may indeed be right that they realized there’s no actionable substance to the complaint. If so, they should tell you that, or at least close the process with you in some way so you’re not left hanging. But at this point you’ve done your due diligence in trying to resolve it, and probably need to let it drop. That said, assuming you’re in regular contact with your boss, it would be reasonable to ask about this the next time you’re meeting (as opposed to trying to chase him down about it separately or continuing to ask HR)— but otherwise the complete lack of response from your company is probably a message that they’re done with it.

About your fear that Fergus will revive the complaint in the future if you disagree with him — he could! But you’re on record as being responsive to the first complaint and repeatedly trying to resolve it … and if they’ve figured out the first complaint didn’t have a lot of merit, that context will be there for the second one too.

3. Candidate was rude to the assistant on our interview panel

One of our departments (marketing) has only two employees: a marketing manager, and a marketing assistant. Recently, the manager position was vacant and the assistant was not interested in it. I discussed it with her and made sure she didn’t want to apply. Once I knew she was certain, I invited her to be on the interview panel for the manager. She will be the person working most closely with the new hire, and she has a track record of sound and thoughtful judgment. The other panelists were management and HR staff (four total on the panel).

One candidate we interviewed had an impressive educational background but an inconsistent work history. Still, she had the skill set we were looking for and there are all kinds of legit reasons a person might have gaps in their resume.

At the beginning of the interview, all the panelists introduced themselves and explained how their positions interface with Marketing. When the assistant introduced herself and stated her position, the candidate openly scoffed. I mean, complete with eye roll and head shake. Clearly she was insulted that a subordinate had input into the selection process. For me, the interview was over at that moment. It was so crass and disrespectful, there’s no way I would put this person in a supervisory position over one of my best employees. Or anyone, for that matter. However, I pressed on and we completed the interview, which had plenty of other red flags. Obviously, I didn’t hire her, and I have no regrets. We did end up with an outstanding hire.

My question is: is it that uncommon to include a subordinate on the interview panel? I feel like the assistant’s judgment and perspective were useful in evaluating the candidates. Being a small-ish organization, interpersonal dynamics matter. Most of what we do is collaborative, and we’ve often included a variety of positions on interview panels. This is the first time we’ve had that particular reaction from a candidate, though maybe others were better at hiding it?

No, it’s not uncommon! It’s not the most common way to do it, but it’s certainly not a weird thing to do and it’s especially smart in a two-person department. But even if it were unusual, a candidate openly scoffing at that would be the reddest of red flags. It’s incredibly snotty and disrespectful, and being rude to someone she perceives as having less power than her is a terrible sign about her character. And in an interview, when she’s presumably on her best behavior? Imagine how she treats people with less power than her when no one else is watching.

Frankly, if you had a time machine, I’d encourage you to ask about it in the moment — “Can I ask about the response you just had when Jane introduced herself as our marketing assistant?” — and then perhaps talk a bit about your culture and the importance you place on respect toward colleagues regardless of where they fall in the hierarchy, and especially in people you’re considering for management roles. That’s not everyone’s style, of course (and it’s hard to think to do that in the moment when you’re reeling from unexpected rudeness!) but it would have been satisfying, and likely further illuminating.

4. My coworker complains about her family non-stop

I work in a school, fairly closely with a colleague. Our professional relationship is great and we’re able to collaborate to support our scholars. But personally, I’m at my wit’s end. Every conversation turns to complaints about her husband, frustrations with her parents, or concerns about her children. She’s not interested in solutions, just in complaining. Included in her list are complaints about people who won’t listen to her complain.

We have the same lunch period this year. Aside from hiding in the bathroom, how do I nicely ask her to lay off the moaning? I need a break to recharge, chit chat with adults, or just browse reddit. It’s not that I want to be alone, I just can’t listen to her complain every day for the next year. Do you have a good script I can use to shut down the personal talk but maintain a good working relationship?

“I’m trying not to complain at work anymore. I’ve realized it puts me in a more negative head space, and it’s better for my mental health not to do it. So I can’t be your sounding board for this stuff, but did you see (insert subject change here)?”

She might be annoyed and think you’re aggravatingly pollyanna-ish, and that’s fine. Let her.

Alternative 1: “Sorry, I’ve got so much stuff going on myself that I’m not the right sounding board for this. But I’d love to talk about (different topic).”

Alternative 2: “I’m not in a head space for this, sorry!”

And then when she tries to shoehorn it back in, be ready with: “I really meant it — it’s not a conversation I’m up for, sorry.”

5. Time off for plastic surgery

I was wondering how you would recommend approaching my boss to request time off for an elective surgery. I am planning to get a rhinoplasty in the next year. It is purely cosmetic (no deviated septum, etc.) but I don’t really want to share what I’m taking time off for because I know people have different views on plastic surgery. I’m thinking of just requesting the time and sharing that I’ll be having a medical procedure, but that it’s nothing to worry about. Would you add anything else? Especially since my appearance will obviously change.

You don’t need to (and shouldn’t) disclose any details at all. It’s your private business!

Something like this is the way to go (not just with elective cosmetic surgery but with anything, really): “I’ll be out on (dates) for minor surgery. It’s nothing to worry about, just something I need to get taken care of.”

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. My retired predecessor wants to keep coming in

I accepted my new position over a month ago. I have been in the executive administrative field for over 20 years. I was hired to replace a woman who worked this position for 32 years, although with different leaders. I can appreciate her knowledge, but she believes no one will ever be able to do this job. That’s where my issue comes in.

I trained with the current/retired assistant for 30 days, and she left less than a week ago. I was just informed she would like to work eight hours a week to make sure things are done and so people (aka, me) can ask questions. In her email to the president, she also states, “I would like to make a list every month of things Jane needs to do.” Oh my.

To put my first 30 days into perspective, here are a few incidents. During my training, she sat right next to me, day after day. I patiently listened and tolerated her watchful eye, even as I opened the mail. Trust me, I can operate a letter opener. At one point I was asked by the VP and dean of faculty to forward an email to him (he approached me in the hallway), I returned to my desk and started to forward the message, and she stopped me and asked, “What are you doing?” I told her and she said, “No, stop.” She then got up, and tracked down the VP and dean to ask if he really wanted me to forward the email. She returned to my side, approved that it was okay for me to send the it, and literally watched as I sent it. Really?

I know the president and HR director are going to ask me how I feel about her coming back a few hours a week. I need to approach this logically, kindly, and as a professional.

Yeah, that’s a terrible idea. You’ve already seen why: she’s having trouble letting go and will prevent you from doing the job you were hired to do and making it your own.

Say this when you’re asked for input: “I’d have serious concerns about being able to take full ownership of the job and make it my own if we did that.” If they seem surprised, you should add, “During our training period, Lucinda was very reluctant to let me do things on my own, even simple tasks, and it would be tough to take ownership of the role with that arrangement. It seems likely to cause a lot of confusion, and — candidly — it would be difficult to work like that.”

Read an update to this letter. 

2. Did our new hire take their ID photo with fake face tattoos?

I work for a large organization and we have new hire orientation every Monday. This past Monday, Security came to a couple of us in HR to see if they needed to do anything about a new hire’s badge photo. It looked like the guy had written in marker all over his face to replicate tattoos. Like Post Malone, but much worse. I asked a member of my team, who was on-site to give a presentation, if they looked real or like marker and he said they looked real, just very poorly done. The new hire didn’t have any other visible tattoos.

Now, if this person has lots of low quality but not offensive facial tattoos, that’s not actually an issue. Lots of visible tattoos aren’t the norm in our industry, but they aren’t uncommon. I have a half sleeve and some that are visible when I wear shorts (we’re a casual group!). What is more concerning is this person’s judgement if they came to orientation with marker all over their face. Our security specs require ID badges to show how an employee looks day to day, but we don’t make people get new ones if they dye their hair or start wearing glasses. This new hire’s ID photo shows all these marks/tattoos.

Is there some language we can add to our security badge form that may cover this situation? Were we being too cautious in not just asking this new hire if they had facial tattoos? We may be making a mountain out of a molehill, but we were flabbergasted!

I agree it would be incredibly bizarre judgment for a new hire to show up on their first day of work with marker all over their face … but it doesn’t sound like there’s any real cause to believe that happened. The employee who saw the tattoos in person thought they were real, and they’re probably real. That’s much more likely than someone choosing to get their ID photo taken with marker all over their face.

If there’s any doubt, though, you can solve this pretty quickly by just asking the person, “Just to be sure, are those permanent tattoos in your ID photo?” (Of course, once you say that, they’re going to worry that you’re asking because face tattoos aren’t allowed, so be prepared to clarify.)

I don’t think you need to add language to your security badge form to ward this off — because, again, it’s highly unlikely to happen. If it does, you can address it at that point and have the employee take a new photo … but in that situation, the person’s judgment is going to be the bigger issue, so adding language to the form isn’t where you would need to focus your energy.

Read an update to this letter. 

3. My boss told me to stop wearing a jacket with our old logo

My company gave us some light jackets last year for Christmas with the company logo on it. They are light, comfortable, and fit well.

Recently, the company went through a rebranding. They gave us some new things with the new logo on them, including a new jacket. In the meeting about the rebrand, they asked us to get rid of everything with the old logo on it.

Well, the new jacket is way too small. It doesn’t come close to zipping up and I can barely extend my arms forward. I decided I will just wear the old one because the new one doesn’t fit me (I ordered the same size as the one they gave us last year). I did get rid of everything else with the old logo on it.

My boss was upset that I was wearing the old jacket and told me I wasn’t allowed to wear it anymore. I’m not in a client-facing role. I feel that this is ridiculous because it’s not like we changed our name or got bought out by another company or something. It’s the same name, just in a different font.

I am the sole breadwinner for my family and quite truthfully can’t afford to buy a jacket without any branding on it. It’s also incredibly difficult to find clothing that fits me well because I have a kind of permanent six-months-pregnant-ish looking belly that is disproportionately big compared to the rest of my body, so I am pretty disappointed that they are saying I just can’t wear the old jacket at all at work when it fit me so well (it was also a lot lighter than the new jacket, so it was perfect for the office). Am I being overly difficult?

Typically part of rebranding is being consistent about not using an old logo anymore, so it’s not surprising that your employer is telling you not to wear the old logo items at work anymore. But even if you think they’re being unreasonable, they definitely have the standing to say you can’t do it — and yes, you’d be being overly difficult if you dig in your heels and keep showing up in the old jacket after being told not to.

If it’s not an option to order a larger size, any chance you can replace the logo on the old jacket with the new logo? Obviously that won’t work if it’s screen-printed on there, but if it’s, say, embroidered, it might be an easy job for a sewist.

4. My company will let you carry over vacation days — but it’s a secret and you have to know to ask

I was talking to my colleague in HR about this, and was struggling to explain why it felt so wrong. I’m in a systems implementation role, and I’m currently working closely with her to implement a new HRIS. She came to me to ask how we would make the following adjustments to the vacation policy.

Currently, we have a policy of not carrying over any vacation days from one year to the next (where I live, this is quite unusual, so it’s pretty mean). Now, the CFO wants to “allow people to carry over up to three days, but we won’t publicize it.” I pushed my HR contact on what that would mean, and she said people could claim hardship, or in cases where they had been sick and therefore unable to use vacation leave, or had too much vacation time left in December and weren’t able to take it, could carry over up to three days. The more I pushed, the more it felt like “anyone who has the balls to ask for it and can cobble together a vaguely coherent argument” would probably be allowed to carry over.

It feels very wishy-washy to me, and I can’t help but feel that the most likely beneficiaries of this policy will be the more senior individuals, the sales guys with confidence who believe they can charm a snake out of a basket, and anyone else with a great sense of entitlement, while the less senior, more “obedient,” and less confident (I class myself as two, if not three out of three!) will miss out.

I got upset and was trying to explain why I felt it was discriminatory, but I don’t think I had much success. Am I nuts? Is there a better argument against this than a general feeling of sadness that my friend who is an apprentice will likely never be approved to carry over, but the CEO won’t even need to explain beyond the fact they have almost twice as much holiday as the rest of us, so they need to carry over?

Yeah, that’s BS. “Had too much vacation time left in December and wasn’t able to take it” covers pretty much anyone who might want to carry over some days, no? By definition anyone interested in rolling over their days would fall in the category of “has days left in December.” It’s one thing to say that they’ll make exceptions in cases of genuine hardship, but this really does mean, as you say, “we’ll make exceptions for anyone who makes the case to us” — and it’s really bad practice to have secret policies that only benefit people who know to ask.

You’re right that it’s likely to mean that the people who ask are overrepresented in some groups (the same demographics that are more likely to, for example, successfully negotiate their salaries) and the people who don’t ask will be overrepresented in others. Also, by leaving approval to the company’s discretion, it opens the door to discrimination in who gets their requests granted and who doesn’t. You can try pointing that out, but you’re probably better off going over your colleague’s head if that’s an option.

5. What does this email from my interviewer mean?

I had a job interview last week and now I’m trying to read in between the lines to see if I’m moving forward. One of the hiring managers was straightforward with me, saying, “I’ll be in touch soon.” I sent thank-you letters to all of the panel members. I did receive two two responses promptly. However, the responses were vague. For example, “It was nice to meet you as well.” Should I read this as a positive sign or just continue my job search?

“It was nice to meet you as well” literally just means “it was nice to meet you as well.” It doesn’t mean anything about your chances either way; it’s just a normal polite response!

You are falling into the trap I wrote about at Slate last month, where you are trying to read clues in basic boilerplate language that doesn’t carry any hidden meaning.

That said, you should indeed continue your job search — not because these people are signaling in imminent rejection, but because you should always continue searching until you have an offer (and not just an offer, but an offer that you’ve negotiated and accepted and set a start date for).

It’s four answers to four questions. Here we go…

1. My boss laid me off, then emailed my mom

My mother was a regular customer at the business I work at for some years before I was hired there. OldBoss likes to mentor employees and takes pride at those who move onto prestigious companies in the field. After my hiring, OldBoss gave me opportunities to develop my skills and encouraged me to get a degree in our field.

After seven years of working there, I got my degree. Soon after, OldBoss encouraged me to look for positions elsewhere. It wasn’t long before he subjected me to severe bullying in the hopes I’d quit. At one point, he even asked why I was still there. After seven months of treating me as The Thing That Would Not Leave, he laid me off.

A month later, my mom mentioned an email OldBoss sent her. Did I get it? I did not, so she forwarded it. Paraphrased, it said: “I’m sorry for taking so long to write this. I struggled to find the right words. Jane is stagnating at Business. I could promote her, but I don’t generate enough demand to hire a second role. I’ve begged her to apply to prestigious companies, but months later, she remained. I’ve laid her off so she can have more time to focus on job applications.”

How bizarre is this message? That email was much nicer than anything he said to me in a while, but directed at a paying customer.

Extremely bizarre. The whole thing is extremely bizarre — after seven years of being a great manager to you, he started bullying you to leave simply because you got your degree? And then emailed your mom about it? I assume he felt like he had to say something to her since she’s a long-time customer … but (a) he didn’t actually have to, (b) but if he was going to, this is a really weird way to explain his actions (claiming it was so you could have more time to focus on job applications??), and (c) if he was that worried about what your mom would think, maybe he should have rethought the bullying? It’s not like he could assume you wouldn’t tell her about it.

I hope your mom lets him know this is weird on every level and takes her business somewhere else.

2. Is it OK for my boss to request that I leverage my friendships (which are also part business)?

I have worked in the same smallish, regional field for the last decade, bouncing to a new organization in the same bubble every few years as new opportunities arise. Like a lot of smallish fields, I’d guess, these organizations are sometimes collaborators and sometimes competitors for the same grants, clients, deals, etc. As a result, my former colleagues are my friends, but also a part of my professional network. During the same week, it’s not unusual that I would go to a friend’s home for dinner and then also encounter that same friend (who works for a different organization) in a business meeting to discuss a potential collaboration. There are plenty of issues that can arise from this soup, but I wanted to get your take on one in particular that keeps coming up with my current boss.

He will on occasion (maybe once a week on average) ask me to leverage a social connection for our business goals. Sometimes it seems fairly innocuous; for example, when I mentioned that I planned to see a friend at a gathering over the weekend, he requested I remind the friend that we need his decision on a particular business deal sooner rather than later. Other times, the request feels a little too far (but not in the realm of “I’m bowled over by the audacity”). Yesterday my boss asked if I would inquire what a friend charged his client for a recent work product because we sell a similar product, and knowing this pricing information from a competitor would give us an edge in the market. I care very much about maintaining this relationship with the friend, and I think that puts both of us in an awkward position.

This makes me uncomfortable and I think my boss might be overstepping a boundary, but where my thinking might be wrong is that since these friendships were forged during the course of doing businesses, maybe it is reasonable to expect that this is par for the course? On the other hand, since my field is so small, aside from putting a friend in an awkward position, I am very hesitant to behave in a way that might affect my candidacy for future positions if someone interprets this friend-leveraging as inappropriate.

Yeah, this is tricky! When it’s such a small community with so much overlap, some of this is going to happen naturally — but a good boundary is that if something is inappropriate to ask a business contact (like asking a competitor for pricing info that could put them at a disadvantage), it doesn’t become more appropriate just because they’re a friend. (Of course,  you and your friend might choose to discuss your rates if you were both freelancers or similar, but it’s not something your boss should ask you for.)

On the other hand, something like, “When you see Jim this weekend, could you mention we never received the RFP he was going to send?” is more grey. You shouldn’t have to use your friendships to carry business messages for your boss … but it’s okay to use your own judgment about whether it feels like a burden or will annoy your friend.

In fact, “will annoy you or your friend” is another good bar to use. If your instinct is that your friend will be irked to have you delivering business messages during a social get-together (or that you will resent having your time intruded on in that way), it’s okay to say, “Jim and I have a strict firewall between business and friendship and he’d hate if I asked that this weekend, but I can email him to check on it separately if you want.” So you’re still offering to use a part-business relationship in a business-appropriate way, but you’re maintaining boundaries on how and when you do it.

3. Is it wrong to accept a promotion while waiting for a job offer from another company?

I recently applied for a promotion at my current job and I’m waiting for the decision. It seemed the obvious thing to do since the person doing that job left and 80% of their responsibilities were handed over to me. I have been frustrated for a while with my current position and stressed by the workload and not having a real definition of my scope of work. This role would include a higher title, a raise, and a more specific job description vs. the jack-of-all-trades role I have now.

At the same time, I was also contacted by a recruiter from another company for a role I’m very interested in. I interviewed and made it to the final rounds (thanks for all the interviewing tips!) and I’m waiting to see if they extend an offer.

During all this, I realized I’m very burnt out and just plain tired of my current company’s culture, management, and many issues. So even if I don’t get an offer now, I will still be looking to leave the company in the near future.

If I’m offered the promotion before I hear back from the new company, would it be unethical to accept it knowing I will definitely leave sooner rather than later? I fear saying no to the promotion or withdrawing my application at this stage might be seen as a faux pass. But would saying yes and leaving (hopefully) three weeks later be even worse?

It’s fine to accept the promotion even if you end up leaving shortly after. Unless you have a firm offer that you’ve accepted, you don’t know if you’ll be leaving for another job in the near future so it makes sense to proceed as if you aren’t (and therefore not turn down raises, promotions, or other things that benefit you). If you do end up needing to resign soon after you’re promoted, you’d just acknowledge the timing and say, “This fell in my lap and was too good to pass up.” That happens … and if they have any sense, they’ll realize that if you were seeking a promotion, of course you might have been applying other places too.

4. Company closes the week before New Year’s — but you have to take PTO for it

My sister is a physical therapist who does infant and toddler home health. Her company is private, but they get a lot of government funding. She started in February, and just found out the company is closed between Christmas and New Year’s Day. Seems great – except they have to take mandatory PTO!

As a tech worker, this blows my mind. They also can’t take too much unpaid time, because this will boot them off their health insurance. I imagine this is may be legal, but even if it is, how do you suggest they talk with management about amending this policy? They do not have a union. They accrue fairly standard PTO for U.S. healthcare workers, but nothing so generous that would make a forced week over the holidays seem normal.

This is actually really common. It sucks since people don’t always want that week off, but it’s not an uncommon practice. Of course, the more preferable practice for companies that shut down that week is to give it as a freebie rather than subtracting it from people’s PTO — which is exactly what better companies do.

If your sister and her coworkers want to push back, they should point out that people might need to save their PTO for other things — especially things that take a good chunk of time (for example, traveling internationally) — and they also, you know, might not celebrate Christmas and need to use their PTO for their own holidays… but if they’re in a field where it’s common, they might not get much traction.