Ask a Manager

Remember the adjunct professor who was worried that people would see him with his sister (a student where he taught) and mistakenly think he was dating a student? Here’s his update:

Well, the results are kind of mixed. My sister discovered that the problem was more pervasive than either of us had realized. As she became closer friends with some of the students there, she discovered that basically all of the students who knew of me assumed that I was dating a student, even though most of them didn’t have a notion of who that student might be. And so those rumors spread pretty far and wide among the student body and that continues to be a problem no matter how hard my sister’s friends try to fight it. But on the other hand, and more importantly, I made much more of a point of making sure that every instructor within the sound of my voice knew about the situation, and now it’s something that they all laugh about whenever they hear that rumor from students. Now that the matter is all clear with the faculty, I’m not worried about it costing me professional opportunities. I got a second job on campus and have been recommended by a friend for a third.

I credit your advice with emboldening me to bring up the subject more with other instructors. When I wrote to you, I half-thought that I might have been blowing the significance of the situation out of proportion, and that maybe I should just let it go. Until that point, I was worried that if it became widely known that a student was my sister, there might be concerns about me writing her papers for her or using my connections to influence how her professors treat her. I met my sister for lunch in the cafeteria and acknowledged her when we passed in the halls, but the campus is so big and crowded that I assumed no one paid particular attention to what anyone else was doing. Boy was I wrong, and I’m so grateful that you helped wake me up to what the bigger danger was.

Remember the manager who needed to talk to an employee about body odor? Here’s her update:

I did talk to the employee, and I am not going to kid you — this is probably the toughest conversation I’ve ever had with a subordinate. (And yes, I have fired people before. This was worse.)

Before we talked, I kept telling myself, “This isn’t about you, so stop being such a wuss. This is about helping her. If you don’t talk to her, who will? Someone needs to help her.” So I presented the information in most compassionate way possible, pointing out that I had noticed some changes in her appearance and grooming and was worried about her. I explained that while we have no dress code, there are certain standards that we’re all expected to abide by — clean clothing, good hygiene, etc. — and that she was coming up short in these areas.

To my amazement, she did not seem surprised by anything I had to say. Apparently some other coworkers had already said things that were critical to the point of being cruel. Even more amazing, she thanked me for bringing it to her attention and for having the courage to go there.

I did not pry into her personal life or ask why these things were happening, just offered my support, as well as further support through HR if she needed it, and then asked if she felt these problems were things she could correct. She said they were, and she could. And she has. Though this was incredibly difficult to do, it seems to have made a huge difference.

Thanks to all on Ask a Manager who encouraged me to man up and have this conversation with her. It was absolutely the right thing to do, and I pray that if I’m ever in similar straits, someone will have the balls to have that conversation with me.

Remember the reader whose manager accused her of being immature because she didn’t trust their vague promises to reward her in some indefinite way at some indefinite date? Here’s her update:

I asked for your advice a few months ago when my previous employer told me to “trust the company” when it came to my career. I ended up taking a new job in a different state. My new boss is a lot more open about my future and there seem to be so many paths I can take from here. I truly appreciate your advice — it gave me the courage to move on. Although my current status isn’t all that interesting, I think I have a pretty good (as in kind of crazy) last day story.

I gave two weeks notice and tried my best to wrap everything up before I left. Throughout my notice period, my boss panicked about how they were going to replace me. He talked over and over about how there was a plan for me, that I was walking away from a great opportunity. I asked for details but I was again told I’d have to trust the company.

On my last day, I was supposed to be there for the morning only to have a handover meeting with my interim replacement and my boss at my former boss’s request. I turned in my laptop, cell phone, credit card, etc. and started to wait. Two hours in, I gave up waiting and went to find my boss. He was standing in the hallway and so I asked if he was ready for me. He looked at me and said very snappy, “When I am ready, I’ll find you.” I bit my tongue and said politely, “That’s fine. I was just hoping to get on the road soon.” I was leaving town that day.

I went back to my office. About ten minutes later, my boss walks in. He says he is ready to collect my things. I told him that was done. I ask about the handover meeting and he says that we no longer need to have it. He gives me a card from the office, which was a very sweet gesture. I was touched for about 10 seconds. Then he starts to lecture me about how I need to learn to listen better in the future, referencing my inability to go along with the company’s plan. I nod along to this for 5 minutes. When he is done, he turns to me and states, “If you want to tell me what I should work on, that would be ok too.” I had so many different sarcastic, heat of the moment responses that I wanted to shout at him — particularly about listening. Instead I said, “No, I’m good. Thanks for the experience and I’ll miss the team.” I credit my ability to walk away from his bait to the advice I have read on this blog.

I talk to my replacement regularly and she is facing the same issues I did. I eventually found out what the unique, amazing opportunity was through the grapevine. It was an corporate finance position, a field I have no interest in. For all the times I stated that, I was shocked that was the big plan. Overall, I miss the great people I used to work with, but I am glad that I did not trust the company and took my career into my own hands.

Here are five more reader updates.

1. The corporate chaplain who was roaming the office praying

I am not sure if something was said to him or not but he hasn’t been really initiating conversation lately. He still comes around about once a week and passes out scripture cards (which is awkward in itself) but I don’t feel as though he is going to back me into a corner, anymore.

I liked your advice that perhaps this company’s culture isn’t a fit for me and I agree it isn’t. Unfortunately, I live in a very small town and my career options are limited to say the least.

2. The reader whose male coworkers expected her to answer the phone, order supplies, order lunch, etc.

As for an update on this issue, well, it’s an interesting one. I’ve taken the issue straight to the lunchroom, and chose to bring awareness about it using humor. It seems to have worked. And now I field any inquiries of this kind with, “I have no clue, but when you find out I’d like to know too!”

I actually had an opportunity to tell a workmate’s wife about it, and I joked about how her husband had asked me where the cleaning supplies are kept. We began laughing and joking about it, and she took the opportunity to rib him about where they keep the supplies at home. Everyone seemed to have a similar funny story to share about their domestic responsibilities and the different roles we all play and who is accountable for what…and as a result we all know that our supplies are kept under the sink in the kitchen. It was easy to joke about so it really broke the ice.

There is still one woman here who really plays into her role as everyone’s mother and office frau. She would do the dishes and clean up after all of us full-time if we let her. But what can ya do! Not everyone subscribes to the plight of the female in a male-dominated environment.

More interestingly, is that morale is so low at the office right now and the manager’s have all but checked out from the human side of management. In fact, our Cultural Leader (read: head honcho) actually told us all that karma is the new manager. More on this as it unfolds…

3. The reader who hadn’t heard back from her internship about a start date (#3 at the link)

As it turned out, they didn’t expect that the fall semester is starting so early (most elementary/high schools started the week after my college, and the state university in town didn’t kick off for another two and a half weeks). They were kind enough to rush the background check for me, so I could start on the first day of the semester.

After some background check and training adventures, an office move (thankfully only across the hall), and lots of interesting projects, my chief attorney mentioned that I should apply for the first permanent position that comes open, so that they can keep me on board! I’m really excited about the opportunity, and I hope that an opening will come up soon. Oh, and to those who dissed my notion of “dream job” — this position ended up being even better than I imagined. Sometimes dreams may just come true, I guess — I hope it happens for y’all, too!

4. The boss who kept making out with his girlfriend at work

Well as it stands, nothing has changed. I had a second conversation with the GM, he acknowledged that it should have been addressed but did nothing about it again. Then I decided to just go to the source and have a one on one conversation with him. It actually started out as a more casual conversation, then I mentioned how we are uncomfortable going into his office when she is always there and he stated he did not want to make us uncomfortable and acknowledged that she often overstays her welcome. However, since then she has been in there just as much as ever. When I walk past the office and she’s there (which is almost always), I just keep walking. Ignoring it seems to be the only way to make it go away. There has been talk around the office about bringing this up to someone higher on the food chain, but I think the general feeling is it just doesn’t seem worth it.

5. The reader who had a bad gut feeling about a job

As I think I mentioned in the comments on my original question, they made me an offer within hours of the interview, which in this context was another red flag rather than a good thing. I decided not to take the position; I think they were somewhat taken aback but no one interrogated me or made things awkward. I was able to frame it, both to them and to the person who’d recommended me, as an issue with skill fit.

Sadly, as is so often the way, as I had no further contact with them, I can’t say for sure if I was right about the red flags. I can say that I didn’t regret that choice at any point after making it, even though, as it turned out, I was then out of work for six months. I was lucky enough to be financialy secure for that time – in fact, I was able to be a bit more picky about applying, which probably lengthened the time span – and I took on some volunteering projects and freelance work that I geniunely enjoyed. The time off was really good for my mental health, I thoroughly enjoyed it, and I’m happy to report that I have now just started at a new job on a year’s contract.

As an aside, having been at the new job for two weeks, I am currently kind of terrified out of my mind because there are so many things to do and remember and be responsible for, and I have crippling imposter syndrome, and a part of me wants to run for the hills – but it’s a totally different feeling from the “no, no, this is a terrible idea” reaction I had on that other occasion. It makes me want to square up and beat the terror into submission rather than give in to it. :)

Remember the reader worried about her seriously ill manager? Here’s her update:

Since I wrote in, things actually have turned out for the positive. Starting in July, my manager started radiation therapy and would only come into the office one or two days out of the month, and worked from home (even though he was also limited in keeping on top of emails, etc.) For a few weeks, everyone worked on autopilot and important issues were sent to higher ups in the department, or were handled by us directly.

After about three weeks, my manager brought in a temporary replacement. This person was a close friend and colleague who held the same position at a different organization. (Our industry is small and fairly specific, so we tend to have a fairly close network.) She had recently retired but was willing to help support the position and our department until my manager was in better health. This was fortuitous in a number ways: first, it really helped in taking the pressure off of my coworkers and me in handling work that we otherwise didn’t normally do (or had expertise in), and she also provided some much needed outside perspective on how our department was ran. She suggested some changes that my manager and the rest of our team really hadn’t thought of before. Additionally, she is the type of person who thrives in chaotic situations, so we were able to improve upon our productivity and output in our department; my manager has even said that most of the changes will be staying and was happy to gain some much needed outside support. 


The best news of all is that my manager’s cancer treatments have been working! He was at his worst in June and July, but he’s been on the upswing and feeling great since mid-August and will be coming back full-time, probably in mid-October. Our office used a lot of the tips your readers gave me (cooking meals and bringing them to his home, providing counseling services if we needed them, etc.) and I want to thank everyone for the ideas and well-wishes you sent to me about my situation! All in all, the scenario that we hoped for turned out to be the scenario that happened. Thank you again for all your support, AAM!