Ask a Manager

Here are five more reader updates.

1. The corporate chaplain who was roaming the office praying

I am not sure if something was said to him or not but he hasn’t been really initiating conversation lately. He still comes around about once a week and passes out scripture cards (which is awkward in itself) but I don’t feel as though he is going to back me into a corner, anymore.

I liked your advice that perhaps this company’s culture isn’t a fit for me and I agree it isn’t. Unfortunately, I live in a very small town and my career options are limited to say the least.

2. The reader whose male coworkers expected her to answer the phone, order supplies, order lunch, etc.

As for an update on this issue, well, it’s an interesting one. I’ve taken the issue straight to the lunchroom, and chose to bring awareness about it using humor. It seems to have worked. And now I field any inquiries of this kind with, “I have no clue, but when you find out I’d like to know too!”

I actually had an opportunity to tell a workmate’s wife about it, and I joked about how her husband had asked me where the cleaning supplies are kept. We began laughing and joking about it, and she took the opportunity to rib him about where they keep the supplies at home. Everyone seemed to have a similar funny story to share about their domestic responsibilities and the different roles we all play and who is accountable for what…and as a result we all know that our supplies are kept under the sink in the kitchen. It was easy to joke about so it really broke the ice.

There is still one woman here who really plays into her role as everyone’s mother and office frau. She would do the dishes and clean up after all of us full-time if we let her. But what can ya do! Not everyone subscribes to the plight of the female in a male-dominated environment.

More interestingly, is that morale is so low at the office right now and the manager’s have all but checked out from the human side of management. In fact, our Cultural Leader (read: head honcho) actually told us all that karma is the new manager. More on this as it unfolds…

3. The reader who hadn’t heard back from her internship about a start date (#3 at the link)

As it turned out, they didn’t expect that the fall semester is starting so early (most elementary/high schools started the week after my college, and the state university in town didn’t kick off for another two and a half weeks). They were kind enough to rush the background check for me, so I could start on the first day of the semester.

After some background check and training adventures, an office move (thankfully only across the hall), and lots of interesting projects, my chief attorney mentioned that I should apply for the first permanent position that comes open, so that they can keep me on board! I’m really excited about the opportunity, and I hope that an opening will come up soon. Oh, and to those who dissed my notion of “dream job” — this position ended up being even better than I imagined. Sometimes dreams may just come true, I guess — I hope it happens for y’all, too!

4. The boss who kept making out with his girlfriend at work

Well as it stands, nothing has changed. I had a second conversation with the GM, he acknowledged that it should have been addressed but did nothing about it again. Then I decided to just go to the source and have a one on one conversation with him. It actually started out as a more casual conversation, then I mentioned how we are uncomfortable going into his office when she is always there and he stated he did not want to make us uncomfortable and acknowledged that she often overstays her welcome. However, since then she has been in there just as much as ever. When I walk past the office and she’s there (which is almost always), I just keep walking. Ignoring it seems to be the only way to make it go away. There has been talk around the office about bringing this up to someone higher on the food chain, but I think the general feeling is it just doesn’t seem worth it.

5. The reader who had a bad gut feeling about a job

As I think I mentioned in the comments on my original question, they made me an offer within hours of the interview, which in this context was another red flag rather than a good thing. I decided not to take the position; I think they were somewhat taken aback but no one interrogated me or made things awkward. I was able to frame it, both to them and to the person who’d recommended me, as an issue with skill fit.

Sadly, as is so often the way, as I had no further contact with them, I can’t say for sure if I was right about the red flags. I can say that I didn’t regret that choice at any point after making it, even though, as it turned out, I was then out of work for six months. I was lucky enough to be financialy secure for that time – in fact, I was able to be a bit more picky about applying, which probably lengthened the time span – and I took on some volunteering projects and freelance work that I geniunely enjoyed. The time off was really good for my mental health, I thoroughly enjoyed it, and I’m happy to report that I have now just started at a new job on a year’s contract.

As an aside, having been at the new job for two weeks, I am currently kind of terrified out of my mind because there are so many things to do and remember and be responsible for, and I have crippling imposter syndrome, and a part of me wants to run for the hills – but it’s a totally different feeling from the “no, no, this is a terrible idea” reaction I had on that other occasion. It makes me want to square up and beat the terror into submission rather than give in to it. :)

Remember the reader worried about her seriously ill manager? Here’s her update:

Since I wrote in, things actually have turned out for the positive. Starting in July, my manager started radiation therapy and would only come into the office one or two days out of the month, and worked from home (even though he was also limited in keeping on top of emails, etc.) For a few weeks, everyone worked on autopilot and important issues were sent to higher ups in the department, or were handled by us directly.

After about three weeks, my manager brought in a temporary replacement. This person was a close friend and colleague who held the same position at a different organization. (Our industry is small and fairly specific, so we tend to have a fairly close network.) She had recently retired but was willing to help support the position and our department until my manager was in better health. This was fortuitous in a number ways: first, it really helped in taking the pressure off of my coworkers and me in handling work that we otherwise didn’t normally do (or had expertise in), and she also provided some much needed outside perspective on how our department was ran. She suggested some changes that my manager and the rest of our team really hadn’t thought of before. Additionally, she is the type of person who thrives in chaotic situations, so we were able to improve upon our productivity and output in our department; my manager has even said that most of the changes will be staying and was happy to gain some much needed outside support. 


The best news of all is that my manager’s cancer treatments have been working! He was at his worst in June and July, but he’s been on the upswing and feeling great since mid-August and will be coming back full-time, probably in mid-October. Our office used a lot of the tips your readers gave me (cooking meals and bringing them to his home, providing counseling services if we needed them, etc.) and I want to thank everyone for the ideas and well-wishes you sent to me about my situation! All in all, the scenario that we hoped for turned out to be the scenario that happened. Thank you again for all your support, AAM!

Remember the reader whose boss kept asking her to watch her grandkids while she parked her car in the mornings? Here’s her update:

Well, I did get up the nerve and told the boss, “No, I really don’t feel comfortable watching the kids.” We then had a bit of a stare down and I walked away and sat down at my desk. Afterwards she was very short with me for about 3 days. It was uncomfortable, but she didn’t ask me again.

I learned that silence works wonders with her. She is a micromanager and will walk up right behind me and look at what is on my computer screen and just stands there. I no longer say anything; I just keep working. Or if someone is in my cube and we are working on something, she walks up to the cube and stares at me with a fierce frown on her face. I used to explain what I was doing (training, etc.) but now I am just silent. She will finally walk away.

The good news is that shortly after that I was offered a new job, which I have since started. More money and the benefits are awesome. And the last 2 weeks I was at the old job, she told me how wonderful I was and she didn’t know how she was going to do without me. I tried a couple times to explain what I didn’t like (the micromanaging and her giving preference to my coworker, who is her friend) but she would change the subject. I haven’t gotten a read on my new boss yet. Who knows what fun stuff I will experience at the new place.

Five reader updates for you —

1. The coworker who hoarded all the work

Things have actually gotten much better since I wrote to you. It turns out my boss had already sensed an imbalance and knew it was an issue, but since there had been so much going on, wasn’t able to fully address it until recently. I confirmed that there definitely was a major imbalance in the work and that I was frustrated with it, because I wanted to do more and it didn’t seem right that some people were far busier than others.

So, with that, we had a meeting a few weeks ago where we looked at everyone’s responsibilities and shifted a few things around so that the workloads were more even – now my colleague is no longer staying here all hours while the rest of us leave at the normal time. Now, our team shares a much more even load. It seems like everyone is much happier, including the hoarding colleague!

Thanks so much for taking my question and all of the advice you and the commenters gave. It’s a hard lesson to learn, but I think most problems and misunderstandings in life could be addressed by simply speaking up and being direct. :) I need to remember this! It’s not always easy, but it often results in positive change.

2. The client who wouldn’t stop asking about our reader’s dating life

Thankfully, things have been pretty quiet with Mr. Inappropriate! He made one last jab via email, which I completely ignored and only discussed business. We’ve only had one other communication since (also email) which was 100% professional. Like I said before, he is a seasonal customer, and the season is just about over, so hopefully when we resume business next year it won’t be an issue. Thank you (and the other readers) for all the great advice!

3. The intrusive coworker who commented rudely on our reader’s body

There have not been any recent digs at my body/personality. There have just been the small, undermining comments that I just chalk up to her
personality and insecurities. I also believe that one of the managers had a chat with her a few weeks/month or so ago because the personal digs
slowed down around that time. I also decided that I can’t be the “victim” and may as well just enjoy all the other positives. This older lady (60+) enjoys her sweets, so I bring in chocolates/donuts every few weeks and share with her (as well as everyone else in our department) and that seems to make her more bearable (it’s like bribing a child to do something, but hey, she’s more pleasant!) I also started to strategically place my holiday time for a week after or before her vacations, so I can enjoy working in the office without her.

Essentially, I’ve just sucked it up and realized that it’s not that bad and if this is my biggest workplace problem. I also learned from a few of
the male colleagues in our department to just not let it bug me, since they’ve worked with her for 1-15 years… they said she’s always been a
negative nelly. Also, she keeps saying she’s going to retire in 18 months, so there’s always that to look forward to ;)

Thanks again for your advice, I still have the response saved on my computer and I have actually drilled into my head some of the responses so
I’m on-the-ready if I ever need them with her (or other people in my life).

4. The reader wondering if a lateral move would hurt her (#7 at the link)

Although I appreciated your advice, I decided to apply for internal positions unrelated to HR. I simply couldn’t take my toxic work environment and knew that the stress I was under was affecting my pregnancy. To me, my health and my son’s health were more important than whether I looked flighty or not.

To fast forward, I received an offer from an internal position I applied for. I accepted the offer and now work in a completely different line of business. Overnight I went from a toxic environment to a positive and friendly environment. My new manager is wonderful. My new team is great. I have no complaints.

While I don’t really keep up with my old line of business, I do know that they’ve laid off more people. The layoffs actually increased a few days after I started my new role. While that line of business is still going through a realignment, there’s talk of transitioning everyone to another role or laying off everyone.

Knowing this, I’m happy with the decision I made. I’m currently on maternity leave (not scheduled to return until the end of November) and when I return I plan on sticking with my current role while continuing school to gain HR experience. Down the road I may get a job in HR; however, with the arrival of my son and the trajectory my husband’s career is moving in, my priorities have shifted. I’m no longer as aggressive as I was about moving into HR. I know that whatever happens in the future will be for the best. Again, thanks for your advice.

5. The manager considering hiring someone who would make more than she did (#2 at the link)

We hired the candidate. He was almost immediately resistant to being managed by me and was much less productive or effective than more junior staff. He often thanked me for my “advice” after I gave him direction, and then did the opposite of what I asked. I was upset, but I channeled my inner AAM and addressed it matter-of-factly, asking him during a weekly check-in if the way I was communicating direction was unclear, and that on those occasions I gave explicit instructions I needed him to follow them, but if he didn’t understand or agree with them we could certainly talk them through. He responded by saying he was shocked, and thought I was difficult to work for. He then added that he wasn’t a misogynist and did respect me despite my having less experience than him (he brought those up unprompted!). In the end, he blamed all of it on his being “a clueless male who doesn’t pick up on cues.” He then likened it to the time he was in college and when girls he wanted to date liked him he didn’t realize it until it was too late.

Oy. Happily, I moved on shortly after. And he is now working for an older man, and also frustrating the heck out of him. I think the takeaway there is that it was less about seniority or money he was making and more about a better interviewing process to try to avoid hiring people like that in the first place.

Remember the reader whose company wanted her to relocate to Alaska? Here’s her update:

I actually ended up leaving that job, traveling for a few months, and just started a new job where i’m much happier!

After the initial conversation, I told my boss that I had no interest in moving to Alaska. He seemed disappointed but didn’t stop alluding to the fact that it might be necessary and that he was kind of bummed that I wouldn’t step up to the task. He even asked me how long I had been dating my boyfriend and made “jokes” that we hadn’t been together long enough and that I shouldn’t have any trouble leaving him. Needless to say, I was none too thrilled. There were a ton of other issues I had with this job – they had hired me on a very low salary with the promise of a raise (based on performance) every 3 months. I ended up carrying their biggest account for a year by myself to constant praise and constant “we just can’t afford to give raises right now. next month, promise!” I never got that raise.

Now I’m making 30% more, have a much more exciting job and am all around happier.

Remember the post from the reader who needed to fire an employee but was afraid that her grown sons would become violent? Here’s her update:

The situation is slowly getting resolved. I finally have the president realizing how bad the situation is and we have started writing her up for the more serious errors she makes. For instance, she just overlooked revising a work order for a drilling hose that ended up getting built wrong and it literally blew up during testing. Once we get three write-ups on her, she will be terminated. The write-ups that we will be doing will be for errors that affect the home office, which is out of state, so they will be coming from the owner instead of the people in this office. We hope that will minimize the threat of any potential violence to the people here in the local office.

I think we are satisfied that her sons aren’t technically part of an official gang; they are basically just low-life drug dealers with tattoos that they hope they will intimidate people. Not that they aren’t dangerous, but we don’t think it’s on the level that we originally feared.

I appreciate all the suggestions and support I received from you and your readers.