update: I promoted one employee instead of her coworker, and now my whole team is upset by Alison Green on December 19, 2024 It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day. Remember the letter-writer who promoted one employee instead of her coworker, and now their whole team was upset? Here’s the update. I did follow your advice by not asking Annie to do or say anything with respect to the overall dynamic on the team. I always knew that I couldn’t do that, really; I wrote the letter in a frustrated moment. That moment has passed and the team has moved on to other concerns. Beth is settling into her position. Annie has not quit, and I don’t know to what extent she has looked elsewhere. There has been no further conflict between Annie and Jane. I made the original letter as short and simple as possible, but I can give a bit more background for your interested commenters. (I’m sure Annie would appreciate their outrage on her behalf!) The promotional opportunity was dictated by our corporate headquarters 3000 miles away, and officially I’m not the decision-maker although I led the interview team and my recommendation was accepted. An outside candidate was not an option because policy that comes from high above me requires an internal promotion, and frankly I agree that that’s a good policy given the nature of the position. The work is a bit esoteric. Moving Beth to a different team upon promotion was also not a realistic option because our team is the only one in our geographic area. There was a formal, standardized application process which involved Annie and Beth answering the same questions in their respective interviews. The one question Annie answered poorly was the one that, considering her history, she had to answer perfectly: how do you handle stress? That is the source of the “volatility” I mentioned: she occasionally handles stress by screaming and crying. These incidents have come multiple years apart, so I’d hesitate to brand her a high-drama-high-performer, but I’d also hesitate to place her in a permanent position of authority. A previous manager pushed her to speak to a counselor and to her credit she did. I thought that she had gotten herself under control, but then came the head butting between Annie and Jane. Some of Annie’s complaints about Jane were legitimate and steps have been taken to correct that. However, Annie’s delivery of her concerns involved name calling, which is obviously not acceptable. Literally the only criticism that has ever appeared in Annie’s evaluation is “handle stress better.” It hasn’t happened yet, but I haven’t given up entirely — for Annie’s own sake as well as for the sake of the people around her. I do remain surprised that she received so much support from her colleagues when she was passed over for the promotion considering that her history is common knowledge. As for why I would ever have fantasized about asking Annie to diffuse the tension when she’s too volatile for promotion? Because 99% of the time she’s Dr. Jekyll. But the 1% of the time that she’s Ms. Hyde is still 1% too much when there is a more stable option. You may also like:I promoted one employee instead of her coworker, and now my whole team is upsetmost popular posts of 2022most popular posts of 2020 { 33 comments }
update: I’m in charge of our disgusting office kitchen by Alison Green on December 19, 2024 It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day. Remember the letter-writer who was in charge of a disgusting office kitchen? Here’s the update. Thank you so much for publishing my letter! When I wrote in earlier this year I was truly at my wits end — quite possibly because of the many other (more important) tasks I was juggling. Cleaning the kitchen was the last thing I wanted to do, the least important thing on my list, and the only thing I could focus on. Essentially the situation remains the same but the resolution comes from a major attitude adjustment. Instead of jumping up and rushing to clean dirty dishes or empty the food trap when people complain, I mostly just sigh and say, “Yeah these people man. What can ya do?” The person who was complaining usually takes this response as a sign to clean the kitchen themselves which wasn’t what I was expecting at all. Who knew apathy would be my saving grace! Thank you to the comment thread for your suggestions as well! It seems my struggles are not unique (though I hope the person who noted they would fire an admin who tosses out dirty dishes does some reflection on their priorities…) and it was great to hear I’m not alone in this. Some details not originally included: – We do have a dishwasher and I will spare you all the crazy ways I have seen that thing loaded. It is still remarkable to me that people would rather leave spaghetti dishes in the sink instead of popping them into the dishwasher, but who am I to judge? I run the dishwasher at the end of the day and unload it in the morning. If I forget, I forget and the world keeps spinning. – I do a weekly fridge purge on Fridays (which has been in place since I started but I neglected to mention in my previous letter) but have doubled down that anything unlabeled will be thrown away. We have a large portion of our staff that irregularly work over the weekends and many folks forget to label their leftovers so this is not a perfect system but those who have lost meals to the purge tend to start labeling things in the future. I have also written up a proposal for a kitchen rotation by department that me and my boss are trying to get off the ground once the dust settles on some other policy changes that are being implemented. All in all, I still fear for the way people treat their homes if this is how they treat the office, but I have chosen to breathe deep and rise above. Thanks again! You may also like:I'm in charge of our disgusting office kitchenmy boss pees in a cup and dumps it in the kitchen sinka follow-up on the boss dumping pee in the sink ... with Ask a Clean Person { 52 comments }
my favorite posts of 2024 by Alison Green on December 19, 2024 Here are my favorite posts of 2024, in no particular order: 1. how much can I pet my cat on video calls? Because this is asking the important question. 2. I spent a ton of time helping 2 employees who hate each other … now they’re dating Because people are so weird. 3. I think our intern prank-called us Because the kids are alright. 4. can I bring a friend-with-benefits back to my hotel on a work trip? Because this hits perfectly at the intersection of work and life that’s so interesting. 5. our admins hate all the coffee I buy the office, but they insist I have to keep trying Because … what!? 6. men are hitting on my scheduling bot because it has a woman’s name Because of course they are. 7. my new hire’s office looks like a dark, flickering bat cave Because this is hilarious and yet you’d have to address it, and that combo is my favorite. 8. the plant saver, the altruistic horse, and other stories of kindness at work Because this is lovely. You may also like:my favorite posts of 2020most popular posts of 2024can I bring a friend-with-benefits back to my hotel on a work trip? { 53 comments }
what’s your company doing for the holidays this year? by Alison Green on December 19, 2024 What’s your company doing for the holidays this year? Party on a boat that you can’t escape from and which will produce a confrontational email the following Monday? Potluck with questionable contributions? Swanky hotel party complete with lines of coke? Please share in the comment section! You may also like:can we tell our company we want cash instead of a holiday celebration?my boss was furious that I went to a work party after calling out sickwe can only bring our spouses to the holiday party if we have kids { 410 comments }
director lied to HR about what I told him, fiance’s boss makes me cut her hair, and more by Alison Green on December 19, 2024 I’m on vacation. Here are some past letters that I’m making new again, rather than leaving them to wilt in the archives. 1. My director lied to HR about what I told him I’ve worked at my job for a little over two years. Six months after I started, my new boss Pam was hired. Working with her has been challenging, and other departments have been complaining about her unprofessional behavior and tendency to snap at people, bully, and generally be unpleasant. My department had our once-a-year meetings with our department director, Adam, and all shared how difficult working with Pam has been. I don’t expect anything to actually be addressed (whole other issue with having a department director who is terrified of “confrontation”) but figured that at least now he had all the information and it was up to him how to proceed. Well, about a week later, my coworker told me that our HR director stopped by and told her how glad she was that it had all been resolved. What? Turns out Adam went to the HR director and said we had all separately come to him in the week after our meetings and told him that everything had been resolved, it was just stress from our conference, Pam was fine, everything was great, and there were no issues. This conversation never happened. Not only did it not happen, it couldn’t have happened because he and I weren’t in the office at the same time for that entire week, and my other coworkers also didn’t have this conversation with him. Things with Pam definitely haven’t been improved, and one of our team members is leaving rather than continue working with her. I spoke to our HR director and clarified that I’d never had this conversation with Adam, but I’m not sure what to do next. She believed me and seemed disappointed but I’m not sure anything further will happen. I feel weird meeting or talking to him now, knowing that he’d outright lie to another director about a conversation with me that never happened. Should I talk to him about it? I can’t get past that he’d do something so bizarre. Wow. Assuming your other coworkers didn’t tell Adam everything was okay (which is a possibility you’ve got to consider!), this is a serious breach from Adam — it’s a violation of his responsibility to your team, and it’s a violation of his responsibility to the company. It’s pretty shocking, actually. It’s a flagrant lie in service of … what? His desire to avoid conflict? His desire to make HR think he has everything under control? Whether or not to say something to him depends on how much you trust he won’t penalize you for it. If you feel safe speaking up, I’d say, “Jane told me you said we all told you our concerns about Pam had been resolved. I didn’t say that and don’t feel that way. Did I say something to give you that impression?” … and, “I continue to think the problems with Pam are serious ones, and I’ve clarified that to HR.” Encourage your coworkers to talk to HR directly too so that HR is clear on (a) how much of a problem Pam really is and (b) the extent of Adam’s lie. It’s also reasonable for you to say to HR, “I’m concerned that Adam heard us speak up about a serious problem but then told you we changed our minds and there are no issues. This wasn’t a misunderstanding; I don’t know how to read it as anything other than an attempt to mislead you. Where do we go from here?” – 2019 Read an update to this letter here. 2. My fiance’s boss makes me cut her hair My question is centered around my fiancé’s boss. I’m a hair stylist, he works in marketing. When his boss found out I do hair, she told him she wanted to come to me to get her hair done. He wasn’t sure at first because we try to keep our personal lives and work lives separate, but she insisted. She says I have to do it for free. She doesn’t just want a quick trim. I have to relax her hair, dye it lighter, cut it, and style it. The process of doing her hair takes hours and I can’t work on other clients during that time, and it costs hundreds of dollars. She doesn’t pay for it or leave me a tip. It ends up costing me money because I’m an independent contractor. I rent my chair in the salon and I have to give the salon a cut of all the money I get paid. She also snaps her fingers at me to get my attention and can sometimes be stuck-up to me and my colleagues and other clients. One time she got mad when I told her my hair color was mine and not dyed after she asked how I keep my bleached hair so healthy and she told my fiancé I had a bit of an attitude. She is not pleasant to work on or be around. I only said yes to doing her hair because my fiancé begged me to do it since she kept asking him and would not take no for an answer. I thought it would be a one time thing. I can’t keep doing her hair because I’m losing money and this is making me look bad in front of my colleagues and our other clients. It’s straining our relationship. I’m emailing you because I have had it. In order to get her to stop, what should my fiancé say? (I can’t do it because she’s not my boss and besides, if I do she’ll just run to him and get on his back about it.) Actually, I’d try handling this yourself rather than going through your fiancé. The next time she calls you to schedule an appointment, why not tell her that the salon you work at is no longer allowing you to accept non-paying clients? Or that you’re fully booked for the next four months? Or even just say, “I need to let you know ahead of time that can’t do your hair for free anymore. My rate is $X. Would you still like to book the appointment?” (And there’s nothing wrong with adding a “jerk fee” on to your rate to account for the pain in the ass you know she’ll be.) If your fiancé thinks this will go over better if she hears it from him first, then he can certainly convey any of this to her. But the key for both of you is to just be matter-of-fact when you deliver the message. Don’t dance around it or try to sugarcoat it. Tell her directly and matter-of-factly as if of course this makes sense, because it does. If she pushes back, just cheerfully say, “Nope, sorry, I do need to charge!” (Or that you don’t have room in your schedule, or so forth.) – 2018 3. I don’t want to fist-bump my coworker multiple times a day This seems so petty and insignificant in the grand scheme of things but it’s bugging me and I’m not sure how to handle it. Fergus is my peer and we have the same title and work in the same department. Broadly speaking, we’re supervisors in customer service. Part of our job involves walking around to ensure that no one needs help answering difficult questions for our clients. So we’re frequently mobile and moving around between desks. My issue is that Fergus will, at least a couple of times a day, come over and offer his hand for either a fist-bump or high-five during his interactions with me. He does this with everyone as far as I can tell — men, women, young, old, direct reports, peers, etc. There’s no rhyme or reason. Sometimes it’s part of a “Hey, great job!” recognition but other times it’s just part of him saying “I’m leaving for lunch now” or there’s no reason at all, he just comes by and sticks his hand out. I don’t want to be a stick in the mud because I’m positive his intentions are pure and it’s just part of his way of communicating, but I truly do not want to make physical contact with any of my coworkers beyond the occasional necessary handshake. Social conventions make me feel obligated to return the gesture but I’m internally rolling my eyes as hard as possible while doing so. However, I’m at a loss on how to decline to participate in this without sounding like a complete jerk. Any help at all would be greatly appreciated. A couple of times a day?? If it were, like, a couple of times a month or even once a week, I’d tell you to think of it the same way you would a handshake, where it would generally come across as rude to refuse (aside from the obvious exceptions, like sickness). But a couple of times a day is weirdly frequent, and you can opt out. Next time he sticks out his hand for a fist bump or high five or whatever, try saying, “You know, I’m not really a fist bumper” or “I’m not a big high fiver.” And then follow it up with something else so that statement isn’t just hanging between you in silence. The whole thing might sound like, “You know, I’m not really a fist bumper — but have a great lunch!” or “You know, I’m not really a high fiver, but yeah, I’m excited that we’re publishing the paper!” (This approach is suitable for unwanted hugs, too — “I’m not a hugger but it’s great to see you,” etc.) Say it matter-of-factly and cheerfully. You want your tone to convey “this is just a useful thing to know about me … and also, I still like you,” not “you have offended me by trying to touch my skin.” You might have to do this a couple of times before the message sinks in, but I bet he’ll get the message after the second time. He might think you’re a little weird, but hey, you already think he’s a little weird so maybe that’s okay. And if you’re concerned about him thinking you’re being chilly, make a point of counteracting that by being purposefully warm to him in other ways — say something genuinely enthusiastic about the thing he wants to high-five you for, ask him how his day is going when you see him in other contexts, compliment some work he did that you genuinely like, and so forth. – 2019 Read an update to this letter here. 4. Visitors decline my beverage offers but then accept it from other people I work as a receptionist in an office. I always offer guests who come to meet with people in the office (for interviews or meetings) coffee and water. Some people say yes, some people say no. Several times now, people have said, ”No thanks, I just had some” or just a simple ”No thanks,” BUT when the person who they are there to see comes and ask if they want coffee, the guest says ”YES please, I would LOVE some.” One time, one asked if they had been offered coffee and the guest said, “No I haven’t, but I would like some.” Why does this happen? Why do they say yes when I literally asked five minutes ago? Do they not want to say no the person they are seeing, even though they don’t actually want it? Do they want to seem like a yes person? When they say no and then yes, it makes it look like I haven’t offered. I’ve already told my manager about this- just in case other employees tell her I never offer. So at least if that happens, she knows I actually do ask. It can’t be something I’m doing wrong, right? I mean, there are only so many ways to politely ask someone if they would like something to drink. So this makes me wonder, the next time I go to an interview, should I say yes to coffee or water even though I don’t want any? Would it look bad if I say no? Some people who say no and then yes have probably just changed their minds. They may have said no without thinking and then realized, “Actually, coffee sounds good!” And yes, others might figure they should accept an offer of hospitality from their interviewer, when they didn’t feel that same dynamic with you. Other people are “Aw, hell, they’ve asked twice, I’ll just say yes” people. Or they might be thinking it would be weird to walk into the interview with coffee, but then when the interviewer themselves offers, they decide it’s fine. In other words — there are lots of explanations here, and it’s (a) nothing you’re doing wrong and (b) nothing you should worry about. When you yourself are interviewing, you can accept coffee/water if you want it, and decline it if you don’t. It’s fine either way. (That said, I did once work with someone who was convinced that she could tell things about candidates by how they handled the offer of a beverage. I asked her about it a long time ago and quoted her in this post, where she said, “It’s a measure of politeness extended, politeness rejected or accepted, and how it’s done. I don’t care if they accept the drink or not, but I do pay attention to how they respond to the offer. Also, I pay attention to whether they dispose of the cup themselves, or leave it for me to do myself. Tells me so much about what kind of person they are.” I think that’s reading far too much into it, but it’s certainly worth remembering that whatever you do, you should be polite about it.) – 2019 4. My boss takes all the work I work on a small team, led by a supervisor, “Ned,” who has normally been great. Our team members, including Ned, have equivalent qualifications in our field, though Ned is by far the most experienced. He participates in every project he has time for, on top of his normal tasks. He absorbs new skills like a sponge, almost never delegating new projects to us. When upper management passes special projects down to the team, he intercepts them. If there’s a conference, he’s the only one to attend. What’s baffling is that he has been in this position for about 15 years, and doesn’t seem interested in an upper management role. The problem isn’t that he takes on more than he can handle. It leaves the rest of us drumming our fingers and without enough work to do. When we suggest new projects, he immediately shuts them down. He won’t consider sharing his responsibilities. I’m fighting for work I’m qualified to do. I don’t have a sense of what could be making him think that we can’t handle it, or why he’s so driven to outperform everyone else. We’re on the same team! He does have a good handle on the other elements of management. Getting him to delegate real tasks to the team is the difficulty, especially since it’s hard for us to improve without new skills. Maybe the answer is to be more assertive about asking for projects. Maybe we’re sending nonverbal signals that we don’t want to step up our game. Any advice for taking control of the situation? Talk to him about it! He may have no idea that he’s stifling the rest of you. He may even think that he’s saving you from work, not realizing that you’d like to have that work. Alternately, it’s possible that this is stemming from insecurity, where he’s afraid that if other people develop their skills, he’ll be outshone … not realizing that would actually reflect well on him as a manager. (And presumably not realizing that giving people opportunities to increase their skills and contribute at higher and higher levels is what a good manager should do, if the context allows for it.) If that’s the problem, you may run into more resistance. But either way, step one is to talk to him. Say something like this: “I’m really interested in taking on projects like X and Y. I’d like to develop my skills in ABC and I can’t do that without the chance to work on new types of projects. I also often end up without enough work to fill my weeks, and I’m much happier when I’m busy. Would you consider sending more work my way, and in particular things like XYZ?” If he resists, you could say, “To be honest, this is directly tied to my job satisfaction here. It’s really important to me to get opportunities to take on new things so that I’m not stagnating. If you don’t think I’m ready for those types of projects now, can we talk about what I’d need to work on improving in so that I’m able to take them on in the future?” – 2018 You may also like:my director lied to HR about me, company wouldn't tell us our coworker was gone, and moredealing with a horrible, lying director and management that won't actmy terrible intern is a VIP's son and can't be fired { 130 comments }
updates: I don’t want to be pied in the face for work, and more by Alison Green on December 18, 2024 It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are four updates from past letter-writers. 1. I don’t want to be pied in the face for work Thank you again for the response to my letter and situation. It was really nice to see that I wasn’t unhinged for thinking it wasn’t acceptable to be pied in the face, and you had some very good advice regarding not needing to be a top performer to be exempt from humiliating work affairs. It’s something I would certainly believe for others, but not for me—so I needed the reality check that I could count myself in the “no one has to be pied in the face if they don’t want to!” category. The commenters were also quite kind and I truly did appreciate the solidarity from most folks. My update isn’t very exciting beyond good news, which is I have moved on from this workplace before anything came of the pies. This was just the tip of the whipped cream iceberg of a foundational mismatch between me and other managers at the previous place. I am much happier now that interactions like that one are not my daily norm. I’m not sure if the pies are still happening, but we can only hope that if it is, it’s opt-in, not opt-out. I opted out more permanently. :) Cheers for the advice and nice aim! 2. My coworker made a creepy pass at me (#2 at the link; first update here) I am a religious reader of AAM and love update season. I thought you all might enjoy another update on my situation with Mac. I can’t believe it’s been over a year! Mac never said anything sexualizing or out of line to me again. We never got back to the kind of easy work friendship we had previously, but things were cordial and while not necessarily warm they weren’t chilly either. Unfortunately something eventually came out that likely cements his comments as less innocent than he portrayed them in his apology: he was having an affair and his wife is divorcing him. He’s moved out of the neighborhood and no longer works here, which I’m grateful for. This new development definitely made it harder to assume he didn’t know exactly what he was doing with his comments. Thanks again for opening my eyes last year and to all the commenters that helped me find my gumption. I still can’t believe I pulled that line with a straight face, and it still feels amazing that I did. And thanks for all the wisdom and entertainment over the years! Can’t wait to keep reading more. 3. Are these interview red flags? (#3 at the link) Thank you, Alison and the commenters, for giving me a gut check. Shockingly, the day after I wrote to you, I heard from HR that they were proceeding with putting together an offer for me, and asked for my references. HR told my references that they were giving me an offer, and let me know that all the reviews of me were glowing and the team was really excited about bringing me on. After you posted my letter, I was thinking about withdrawing my candidacy, but decided that having the information on what compensation they’d offer me for the role was worth having, so I planned to hang in there until that point, when I could decline. Well, the joke was on me. For another six weeks I kept being told that the offer was forthcoming, delayed for various approvals (it was with leadership, with the new CEO, with the parent company). Finally I called HR after two weeks of radio silence and asked for an update. At that point they told me that they might not in fact be giving me an offer after all, because the hiring manager had identified someone else they were now interested in and wanted to interview. I thanked them for their time and the following Monday withdrew from consideration. The entire process took four months, and I never once heard from the hiring manager or the team, everything was run through HR (yet another huge red flag). The process was eye opening in its own right and a really great reminder that if a company treats you badly and is a complete mess during the hiring process, it can only go downhill from there. Thank you to the AAM community such great perspective! 4. Communicating with a team that doesn’t read email (#2 at the link) As some of the commenters correctly guessed, management wasn’t a good fit for me. I made a lateral move to a non-management role at the same organization. I’m making the same amount of money (still, uh, not a lot) but I’m MUCH happier in my new role and I have all kinds of ideas for how to improve my little corner of this place! You may also like:I don't want to be pied in the face for workour fundraiser lets us "pie a manager in the face"my boss says I'm too much of an "open book" emotionally { 22 comments }
updates: is my preferred name too cringy, banning money collections, and more by Alison Green on December 18, 2024 It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are three updates from past letter-writers. 1. Is my preferred name too cringy to get interviews? (#3 at the link) I did take the advice I saw from others and changed my resume to show my legal name, and then subtly place my preferred name somewhere else, but I still haven’t found a paying job. However, I did get an internship through my school, and I’m now in the work-based learning program! I’m not going by my preferred name there, but I did tell my boss about it, and she said it was “unprofessional,” which I understood and told her the name I would like to go by (middle name), and she seemed happy with that. I haven’t told my coworkers though, and I’m honestly not 100% sure if I should. I doubt they would care, but I feel like it would be better if it were mentioned in passing by a friend coming in while I’m working or something and calling me my preferred name. Please make sure to tell everyone that I appreciate all the helpful comments! I loved the support and ideas to make sure people still knew I did go by a different name 2. Should I ban money collections on our team? (#4 at the link) It’s been more than a year since I’ve been a manager. I wrote in wanting to streamline birthdays and other occasions at work. I had the first department meeting with my team and included this in an overall talk about my expectations. Basically, that we were all there to make money and they did not need to feel pressured to give to buy gifts for others. That they did not ever need to buy me anything. I did not want them soliciting co-workers for anything: social causes, birthdays, showers, weddings, etc. I would buy a cake and card if anyone wanted to have their birthday acknowledged. (And set up a clipboard to sign up for this.) The look of relief on most of my team was encouraging. I told them if they had any concerns they could speak to me privately. The only person with a problem was the secretary who had been handling this. She was upset as “giving gifts was her love language” and no one had complained before. (Gifts with other peoples’ money.) I told her people who aren’t getting gifts may feel slighted. Others can’t afford to keep contributing but may not feel comfortable saying anything. She was teary. I told her she wasn’t doing anything wrong, but I was in charge now, and going forward this is how we’re proceeding. She wanted to do a Secret Santa so I wanted to be fair and let people vote anonymously on it — and most people said no. I took them all out for a holiday lunch instead. 3. We’re switching to unlimited PTO and I feel cheated (#4 at the link) I wrote in that my company decided to switch to open PTO and only gave us three weeks’ notice. The policy is officially “open PTO” and that means it is no longer separated by sick time, vacation time, personal time, etc. I wrote unlimited interchangeably because I think most people understand what unlimited PTO is versus open PTO. I am sorry for the confusion. Our fiscal year ended on Sept 30 (which was a Monday) and the staff meeting we had to “discuss” the issue was on Sept 10 (a Tuesday). We got the email about the change late the day before. In the meeting, I specifically asked about compensation since, thanks to AAM, I know it was a FY24 expense. I think it never occurred to anyone to pay out the up-to-40 hours for any and all employees. I left the meeting and immediately looked at my schedule to see how many of my remaining hours I was able to take off. I only lost 8 hours at the end. The update is not that exciting. We did not push back on the timing. I am not sure if any of my colleagues took more time off in September. My company is setting a minimum of 15 days, 5 of which must be consecutive. Many are worried about the line between taking time and abuse, and it was suggested to just take as many as we would have gotten had we been given a set number. I therefore gave myself a raise in my time off, and several others have as well. As long as the work gets done, no one seems to be concerned about too much time abuse. They did clearly state that this does not get paid out if you leave the company. Some of the commenters mentioned that. There are many sucky things about this situation but I think most of us have just accepted it and moved on. It would have been nice to have more of a heads up about the situation. I know they probably didn’t have things confirmed, but even a simple “Hey, we are considering this change to be effective in October so use your days” in July would have been nice. The only other issue I have is that our company wide winter break is not happening. HR acknowledged that there will probably be a lot of PTO being used that week–and that is okay–but as one of the few customer-facing roles, it was nice that everyone was off at the same time, and not just me because I feel like it. The silver lining for me is that my spouse’s time off schedule is January to December (which is one reason I rolled over 5 days), so at least with it being open, I don’t have to deal with managing our vacation time on two schedules. And when my water meter had to be changed last week, I just took the day off rather than do data entry from home, because it’s not like I needed to work to save a vacation day for an actual vacation. 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update: my boss is resentful when I do well by Alison Green on December 18, 2024 It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day. Remember the letter-writer whose boss was resentful when she did well? Here’s the update. My update is a bit of a mixed bag. I did implement both involving him more and also trying to set better boundaries while I also started job searching in greater earnest, but to make a long story short, he continued to escalate his behavior until I was let go without cause (as he couldn’t find legal cause with my performance or conduct — I was and am good at my job). On the upside, however, I’ve been in interviews for several roles, all of which pay between 40%-60% more than I was being paid. I’m expecting an offer soon, and simultaneously getting ready to launch a consulting business as a side gig so that I won’t ever feel trapped in a bad situation like that again. Since being let go, I’ve lost 12 pounds, my resting heart rate has dropped over 10 bpm, I sleep through the night and I don’t have panic attacks anymore. Him firing me was the best thing to happen to me in years. The funny thing is between job searching, launching my business and a couple personal projects, I’m working a lot more than I was, but I’m so much happier and healthier now, both physically and mentally. Not having to walk on eggshells 8 hours a day is like dropping 200 pounds off of my shoulders. I’ve learned several lessons from this experience. The single biggest one has been the importance of knowing my value and my worth. I didn’t deserve to be his scapegoat for everything wrong in the business, and my market value is obviously a lot higher than what I’d allowed myself to be browbeaten into believing since I’m routinely getting interviews for roles that pay so much more. I’ve been told by more than one recruiter that I shouldn’t accept less than 1.5 times what I was being paid before, as that’s what my skillset is worth. The second and third lessons I’m taking from this are the importance of spreading my wings to get new experiences instead of staying too much in my comfort zone and the necessity of taking charge of my own development and career — having a second income stream, seeking out roles and courses that let me grow and develop, and finally, not forcing myself to stay in little boxes that I’ve long since outgrown. I am more capable than I give myself credit for, and I need to let myself be a bit more decisive. Overall, I view this situation as a turning point in my life and career — one where I learned how to treat myself better and respect myself more, and therefore started being treated better by those who remained in my life. I would like to say I won’t ever make the same mistake again, but given that this is the third time in my life where I only realized how abusive a situation was until I got out, I imagine I probably will, but I’ll be better able to handle it next time. I learn slowly sometimes, but I do learn! You may also like:work is ruining one of my closest friendshipsmy office says we can keep working from home if we take 5% pay cutshow to tell an employee he needs to figure some things out himself { 13 comments }
the boudoir photos, the date from Shopko, and other stories of holidays at work by Alison Green on December 18, 2024 Here are 10 of my favorite stories you shared about holidays at work over the past month. 1. The empty gifts For years we had a buffet dinner at a nice local hotel, and the room had decorations, including Christmas trees. Our Secret Santa was a version where you could choose and steal gifts but we didn’t unwrap until everyone had one at the end. People would smuggle their package in and under the trees, and we’d try to wrap them in enticing or misleading ways. It got quite raucous and was a lot of people’s favorite part of the event. On the year in question, finally we were done and ready to unwrap, though a bit puzzled that there were still a few smaller gifts under the tree. Then some folks who had triumphantly walked away with large, impressive gifts opened them to find empty boxes marked things like TOILET BRUSH MULTIPAK. Of course it turned out the hotel’s decorations had included wrapped “gifts” under the trees and everyone just assumed they were someone else’s secret gift. After that we asked the hotel to skip the boxes under the trees, and for years when we made the reservation and said this, their event planner would remember and start laughing. 2. The photos My dad was a firefighter. They throw wild parties. Not officially Fire Department parties, they just happen to have a raging house party that could rival any fraternity, and invite everyone from work. The story I was told is that at one of these parties, Fireman Bob — who was in a prank war with Fireman Steve — snuck off to Steve’s bedroom and took “boudoir” photos on his bed. He yanked his tighty-whities up between his cheeks and took about a dozen Polaroid photos, leaving them fanned out on Steve’s dresser. Steve said nothing the next shift. Steve never did say anything. He didn’t have to. The next year, Steve gave everyone in the department a photo calendar, featuring Bob’s fancy pictures. 3. The secret I was newly dating a colleague and we were at the holiday party Definitely Not holding hands. This was really kind of him since he would have been glad to shout our budding love from the rooftops, but as one of the only women at the company (and in fact the entire industry at the time), I was a lot more cautious. It was hard being cautious because he was really cute. Spouses and kids were invited to this thing. The CEO asked someone’s nine-year-old if she was enjoying the party. She said, “Oh yes, I’ve met lots of nice people.” He asked who she’d met. Nine-year-olds have absolutely no chill, and she said, “I met your producer and your engineering director and your [my job title] and her booooooooooyfriend.” All eyes shot to me and the cute boy standing an inch away from me. I blushed purple and he preened like a rooster. My direct boss said, “Thank god, we can all stop pretending we didn’t know” and a chorus of “no kidding” came back in response from everyone in earshot. The CEO shouted out “I knew it!” (he didn’t). The CTO, who didn’t like women working at the company because we were “distracting” and once said out loud that there was no point in promoting women because we’d just get pregnant and quit, rolled his eyes and shook his head at me because clearly I was the only person involved. To be fair to that misogynist ratbag, I have now been distracting that cute boy for 23 years and our youngest child is nine and blurts out secrets like it’s her job. 4. The oil painting My coworker Donovan did a lot of art as a hobby, including oil painting and life drawing. As a joke one year, for our White Elephant party, he put in an oil painting he had done of his mother in the style of Napoleon. He put a note on the back stating something like “can be swapped for $25 Starbucks gift card”, but the person who ended up with it wanted the painting and wouldn’t give it back! That oil painting hung in the guy’s office for the rest of his time at my company. I can’t imagine taking it to a new company and having to explain that it’s an ex-coworker’s mother. 5. The photo Early in my career I worked in government, in a department under an elected official, although my department rarely saw them because there were other departments under them that got a lot more press and public attention. My department’s relationship with that official was pretty poor, as she readily admitted that she didn’t know we existed before we got elected, and was eager to cut long-standing budget items of ours for short term gains. So relations with this person were not good, but we made our way to the annual Christmas party to try to foster some goodwill. One year we did a white elephant gift exchange with all the departments, and while most everyone brought pretty tame mugs and gift cards, someone decided to bring in a joke gift, presumably because they were anonymous. I live in a part of the U.S. where you can get old-timey western portraits taken. The gifter had taken an old timey, lightly boudoir-ish photo of a madam and a cowboy in a saloon and photoshopped the elected official’s head on the madam and her male second in command’s head on the cowboy. I felt incredibly tense as this gift was opened and revealed, but it turns out the elected official thought this was truly HILARIOUS! She insisted on passing the photograph to everyone in the room, circulating it throughout the whole party. People kept putting it down somewhere but then she would pick it up and start showing it to people or asking them to pass it around again. To this day I have no idea if this was from someone who knew her well and knew she would like it, or if this was meant to mock her and failed spectacularly. But it certainly was the talk of the party. 6. The whiner I have a colleague who is … well, let’s just say he’s a character. I’ll call him Dalì. My company organized two Christmas events: one for employees only, and another for those with children (great for people like me who don’t have kids for whatever reason). Dalì and his partner decided to attend the event because no one explicitly said it was for children (the event was called something like “Bring Your Children to Meet Santa”). He proceeded to complain to everyone in attendance that the entertainment, such as face painting and arts and crafts, was clearly geared toward kids. There was no alcohol, and Santa refused to let him queue with the kids to “have a chat.” He didn’t like the food and thought that the small cups for babyccino were for mulled wine and he felt misled. There is a glorious photo of him resentfully staring at “Santa” surrounded by children, holding a small teacup. 7. The date At 19, I was the youngest employee in a large office. After the Christmas Party was announced, my coworkers began asking me, “Who are you bringing as a plus one?” Everyone else was married or partnered so they were VERY curious who my date would be. Two weeks before I had gone to Shopko and had a great experience in their electronics department with one of their salespeople. Ryan was handsome, funny, and good at his job. Now I needed a party date. I called Shopko, got transferred to the electronics department, and then requested Ryan come to the phone. “Hi, this is (name). You sold me a portable DVD player two weeks ago and I had a question for you. Are you single?” There was a long pause. “Uh, single? Yes.” “Great! Will you come to my company Christmas party with me? I need a date.” “Oh! Yeah, sure. I can do that.” “What’s your number and I’ll text you the details? Thank you so much!!” The night of the Christmas party, we met up outside the venue. Ryan had accidentally matched his tie to my dress so well it looked pre-planned. I asked him to pretend we had been dating a while since I didn’t want my older coworkers to know I had got him at Shopko the week before. What I didn’t anticipate was the CEO greeting everyone as we walked in. CEO and I had few interactions but he prided himself on “knowing his employees” (even when he didn’t). Upon meeting Ryan, he said with a hearty handshake, “You must be (name’s) boyfriend! I’ve heard all about you. She’s one in a million, isn’t she?” I froze. This was off script. What to do what to do what to do… Ryan grabbed my hand and leaned into me saying, “Yes, I’m very lucky to be with her.” The rest of the evening he played my boyfriend to all my coworkers. Charming, witty, everyone was so impressed with him. We lied our tails off about our marvelous fake relationship to everyone. We walked out to the cars afterwards, I thanked him profusely, and then we never contacted each other again. I waited until January and then told everyone at the office who asked, “How are things with Ryan?” that we broke up on New Year’s Eve. It was the most romcom movie experience of my life and even now sixteen years later I am shocked it went as smoothly as it did to bring a stranger to my company Christmas Party. 8. The very bad party I work for a public social service agency. A few years ago, some employees decided to have a holiday party; however, upper management decided we could not only not have a budget for something frivolous, but neither could we take non-billable time. So the committee compromised by having a … festive training event. So we watched a presentation on elder abuse, and then sang a carol. Watched another presentation on the opiate epidemic, played a game. So on. For four hours. We haven’t tried having a holiday party since. 9. The truth teller One year, grandboss thought it would be nice if people brought their kids to work for the holiday party, which was immediately after work. This caused some grumbling as a lot of parents had to commute home to pick up their kids, then come back again. It was all worth it, though, when grandboss asked the young (I’d guess 7-9 years old) son of one of our employees, “What do you think of the holiday cookies?” and junior replied, “They taste like shit!” Several of my coworkers couldn’t contain themselves and ran off to the break room to laugh. The mother of the kid was, of course, mortified and said “[name], we don’t use that language or say things like that, it’s rude” to which junior replied, “But you told me to always tell the truth!” which elicited even more laughter. 10. The fancy dinner I’m a doctor and I’m Jewish so I always work Christmas. I don’t celebrate and it makes no sense for my colleagues to miss time with their loved ones so I can eat Chinese food in my pajamas. Also it meant I never had to go to my (non-Jewish) mother-in-law’s for the holiday. My first year out of residency, I worked 8-6 Christmas day. My best friend was a senior resident working nights that month. We would otherwise have had dinner with her and her husband, so we decided to bring Christmas dinner to the on-call team. She lived a block from the hospital so her husband cooked the turkey and sides that had to be hot. My husband did the salad and dessert. He loves to cook and he hates football and he was alone all day and bored so he decided to make the fanciest dessert he could think of and created a Black Forest cake from scratch – three layers including glacéed cherries and chocolate curls. The guys arrived with all the food at 5:30 and we sat down at 6 – eight residents, me, and the attending who took the night shift after I went off. She was stunned to arrive and find an entire Christmas dinner laid out complete with tablecloth, good china, and flowers. She was even more amazed to discover that the husbands had cooked it. She clearly believed that men were physiologically incapable of making stuffing or from-scratch rolls or creamy mashed potatoes. Then the Black Forest cake came out and she just stared. When we packed up and went home, my husband and I agree that we had probably made life much more difficult for her husband. You may also like:the abundant shrimp, the resentful Oreos, and other stories of holiday madness at workthe Try Guys drama, when a coworker badgers you about holiday time off, and moreI got in trouble for not going to the holiday party, and more { 182 comments }
should I demote an employee who can’t do her job? by Alison Green on December 18, 2024 A reader writes: I have a staff member who was promoted beyond her capability. I have tried coaching her, and she simply does not have the skill or aptitude required for the job. I do think she could work in her original role — but to have the budget to replace her, she would need to take a significant pay cut. Is this ever advisable? My instinct tells me it should be avoided because it runs the risk of causing bitterness, bad attitude, etc. But it feels unkind to fire someone because of how I guess she might respond. I answer this question — and three others — over at Inc. today, where I’m revisiting letters that have been buried in the archives here from years ago (and sometimes updating/expanding my answers to them). You can read it here. Other questions I’m answering there today include: How can my company let candidates know we’ll accommodate their religious needs? If I give bigger gifts this year, am I setting a precedent? Alerting contacts’ kids to career opportunities You may also like:how to explain a late professional start, demotions, and moreI accidentally started a rumor about a coworkerwhy won't my company fire my terrible coworker? { 66 comments }