Ask a Manager

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. We’re required to start meetings by sharing positive things from our personal lives

My company has just been bought by another company and we’re about to start the process of integrating the two. I do think this is a really good thing, apart from one thing.

Their meetings require everyone to start by stating one positive thing that’s happened in their work life, and one in their personal life.

Apart from detesting the forced positivity of this, I’m a very private person and don’t want to talk about my life outside of work, especially not for the express purpose of facilitating meetings. I don’t particularly want to list positive things from work either, but I think I probably have less of a leg to stand on there.

How do I handle this? I don’t have the standing to get them to stop doing it (although I will be raising it with our senior management that it’s likely to be a real blocker to getting the two teams to integrate well), so I really need a way to handle this when I start having meetings with them. Help!

I’m a big believer in just cheerfully and matter-of-factly turning this kind of exercise into something different that you are comfortable with. So for example, when it’s your turn you could cheerfully say, “Oh, I’m too private for that kind of personal sharing, but a positive thing that’s happened at work this week is…” (It’ll especially help if you make sure your work example is good — not just one bitter sentence that exudes “I am saying this part under duress too,” but rather something you seem to enthusiastically offer.)

Also, since you’re a little uncomfortable with the work part too, try mentioning something someone else did that impressed you. If you see it as an opportunity to amplify someone else’s work, you might feel more comfortable with that.

Related:
I’m required to share with my boss a weekly best and worst from my personal life

2. Is it fair to make employees pay for parking?

I work for a large company that is pretty much considered “the only game in town” in its home city — and frankly, the state. Everyone who lives here, for the most part, regards it for its solid pay, great benefits, etc. By and large, it is a good place to work, and I’m generally happy. But I’m starting to wonder if the company is maybe taking advantage of its workforce somewhat.

One thing that has never sat well with me is its policy on parking. If you drive to and from work, workers are forced to pay for parking that the company contracts out from the city’s parking lots. Monthly parking fees are dependent on your job classification, but it generally amounts to around $75-85/employee. It’s not a huge amount, but it’s not insignificant, either.

To be fair, our employer does offer shuttle services to those who live somewhat nearby, and walking, biking, carpooling, and metered parking are always options, but is it right for such a large company — or any company, really — to oblige their employees to pay for parking at work?

I wouldn’t say it’s unfair, really; it’s pretty common.

If the company owned the lot and was turning a profit by charging employees to park in it (at least beyond what it costs to maintain the lot), that would be wrong. But in your case, they’re acting as a sort of a middle man by leasing the space from the city and then passing on those costs to employees who want convenient parking. That’s a pretty typical way to do it. And of course, if charging for parking reduces the number of cars on the roads by encouraging more people to take public transportation or get to and from work by other methods, that’s ultimately a good thing.

One caveat: I’m assuming that “parking fees are dependent on your job classification” means that lower-paid employees pay less; if it’s the opposite and execs get subsidized parking, that’s worth objecting to.

3. Can I opt out of work travel while I’m breast-feeding?

I live across the country from my employer, one of a handful of remote workers. There’s a work trip coming up that I’m expected to attend, which will require me to be away from home for four days. I’m a new mom to a four-month old, and this would be the first time I’ve been away overnight since she was born. I’m also exclusively breast-feeding.

There are a lot of reasons why I don’t want to make this trip while breast-feeding! Including: the ick factor of having to pump in an airport, the fact that I’m likely to deal with some uncomfortable engorgement since the pump isn’t 100% effective, the awkwardness of excusing myself six times per day to go pump, and the challenge of milk storage while traveling and at my destination — to name a few. I won’t be able to pump enough in advance to feed my daughter, so I’ll also need to get my baby used to formula before the trip, which isn’t something I’d planned to do at this stage, though I’m open to it. And this doesn’t even get into the fact that we’ll be staying at a camp with shared rooms and bunk beds — in other words, little if any privacy! Presumably this means I’d be spending several hours a day pumping in a bathroom, and then storing bottles of milk in a shared fridge? All of this sounds awful.

My boss is kind and thoughtful, but while they might be open to my request not to go, I don’t expect them to really get why this would be so hard. (And I’m not keen on explaining the challenges of pumping to them.) I know that people make this work, but honestly, it just sounds so uncomfortable in so many ways. Is it reasonable to ask to be excused from work travel while breast-feeding? How might this request come across?

This is an all-staff event, but it’s not one that I’m involved in planning, nor do I have any particular responsibilities. So my absence wouldn’t create more work for anyone else.

It’s really, really normal to say you can’t travel while you’re breast-feeding. Some people are comfortable doing it; some people aren’t. It’s fine to say travel would be difficult for you while you’re breast-feeding (especially at a camping site, good lord) and you don’t need to get into all the reasons why. People opt out of travel while they’re nursing all the time and you should expect it not to be a big deal.

4. Can I give a gift to one of my employees but not the others?

I am on the leadership team at a remote company. The department I manage has a large number of people, with a few direct reports. One report is one step below me, Roberta, and a few others are technically a few steps below me by title, but I’m their direct manager.

Roberta has a big personal milestone coming up (buying her first home) and I’d like to send a gift. Since we’re remote, this would be mailed and not given in person, so no one else would see this happen. However, I haven’t done this for anyone else before (no one else has bought a home, but have had other milestones, such as having their first kid) and while I don’t have anything against doing this for others, I don’t have any specific plans for always doing this.

Is this an okay thing to do? As one step below me, Roberta is literally a lifesaver for my day to day and I’ve worked with her the longest, which is why it even came to mind to do it.

If you’re going to do it, you should do something equivalent for other employees’ big life events or it will look like favoritism and you risk stirring up resentment. You’re thinking others won’t know since everyone is remote, but all it would take is Roberta mentioning to a coworker how thoughtful it was of you, and then you’ll have other people who report to you will be wondering what it means that you didn’t send a gift for their wedding or the birth of their kid or their own home purchase. When it comes to this kind of life-event recognition, it’s too messy not to treat everyone who reports to you the same way.

5. Improving our company’s work/life balance

I have recently been tasked with being part of a committee addressing work/life balance issues in a very intense field for the company I work for. This company really has a hustle culture, and the top leadership are recognizing that we need to do really support work life/balance for employees. It’s made more complicated by a couple of factors, however. First, we work in mental health in 24-hour crisis treatment, so it’s a very emotionally draining field that absolutely requires we have staff available at the drop of a hat any moment of the day. It’s not an exaggeration to say that people’s lives depend upon this responsibility. In addition, like most social service things, the rates we are paid don’t support high pay or tons of benefits for our employees. I think we do a pretty good job given the resources we have to work with, but it’s not going to be as easy as just giving people more PTO or flexing their hours or allowing them to work from home. Those kinds of things aren’t an option in this kind of work.

Any tips for supporting work/life balance in this kind of field, when the obvious things are made much more difficult by the nature of the work we do?

I’m happy to throw this out to readers for suggestions, but the stuff that really makes a difference comes down to money — because it’s about more staffing, better pay, and more time off. Those are things that have to come from the top and aren’t within your control as a committee (although you can make recommendations about them). You can do other things around the edges — have the company bring in food, relax the dress code (although in that field it’s likely already pretty relaxed), look for policies that make people’s lives harder and suggest ways to change them … but ultimately making a truly significant difference will be about money (and I know that’s tough in health care; this letter was enlightening).

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Can my remote employer fire me if I move to a different state?

I’m a remote worker for an all-remote national nonprofit organization. My partner applied for a job in a different state, one we’ve wanted to relocate to for a while. The employer offered the job to someone else but they were so impressed with my partner they invited him to propose a whole new program he could run. They have a solid lead on funding it, but I’m not holding my breath. It would be a good career move for my partner but it wouldn’t replace my full-time income.

So we won’t be moving in the next couple of months but might be in the next year. But when I spoke to my HR director, she said if we move there I have to apply to the board of directors to see if it’s in the organization’s best interest to expand their employment certification to the new state. I would have looked into this earlier but I was under the impression that my organization was already certified to hire nationwide. So now I’m even more stressed about the prospect of the move–what are the chances my employer would actually fire me rather than get certified in the new state? Would I get unemployment if this happens or would my move be considered a resignation?

It depends on how motivated they are to keep you. Setting themselves up to have an employee in a new state can be expensive. They’ll also have to ensure they’re following the new state’s employment laws, which can be a significant difference depending on which states are involved, and can affect how they handle vacation accrual, paychecks, overtime eligibility, time tracking, and more.

They might be willing to do it if you’re highly valued or if they think they might want other employees there in the future. But if they don’t, don’t take it personally, like as a sign that they don’t value you. Again, it’s expensive! And if they’re just doing it for you, it could be the equivalent of adding tens of thousands of dollars to your salary over time.

If they don’t let you work from the new state and you move anyway, they would indeed almost certainly fire you — but it would typically be considered a resignation for the purpose of unemployment (i.e., you wouldn’t get benefits since you chose to move).

Related:
my boss won’t let me move to another state — but I’m remote

2. Should I take a job working for my husband?

I’m struggling to decide if I should accept a new job offer. I enjoy my job, but my company doesn’t offer me benefits. Recently, a few employees have quit/been laid off and I am the only employee still on payroll aside from the bosses (it is a small company). So I am left to do everything. I have yet to get a raise along with these new responsibilities.

I was approached by my husband’s company to come work for them. They offered me $1/hour more than I am making now. They offer company benefits, bonuses, free clothing, etc. The kicker is having to work for my husband, who is the office manager. What do you think I should do?

Don’t accept a job working for your husband. An extra dollar an hour isn’t worth the risk to your relationship, your professional reputation (from people who resent your extra access to him, assume you get special privileges because you’re married to the boss, or otherwise see you differently because of the relationship), the burden of both of you bringing work home with you (you’ll now have a coworker you can’t escape), the weirdness of having your spouse charged with assessing your work and professional value, the power dynamic it will inject into your marriage, and the risk that you could both lose your jobs at once if the company has financial issues.

But your choices aren’t between your current job and the job working for your husband. Look for a third option!

3. I do my coworker’s work while he plays video games

I work in a group that has a shared email for people to place orders, ask questions, etc. My colleague was assigned by a previous supervisor to monitor and deal with these emails and I handle them on days he is off. We now have a new supervisor who is in a different building and does not check to see if the emails are being addressed.

I usually let the messages sit for as long as is prudent and then answer them. My colleague plays video games and watches YouTube for about seven hours of his day, so I know he has time to do them. How do I point out to my colleague that group emails need to be done? I don’t want to “tell” on him to the supervisor and I am not his boss.

If the system is that your coworker is supposed to handle all the emails except on days he’s off, you should stop doing them entirely on days when he’s there! But because this is a change to what you’ve been doing, you should mention it to him — as in, “I’ve been filling in for you with the shared email when I see messages have been sitting there, but my understanding is that I’m only supposed to answer those on days when you’re off. So going forward, I’m going to stop answering them on days you’re here, and you should take them over again. I’ll let (new manager) know that’s the plan as well.”

And then do let your boss know: “(Old manager) assigned Cedric to manage the X email account when he’s here and asked me to do them when he’s out. I’ve somehow fallen into the habit of answering emails there more frequently and realized it’s interfering with my other work, so I reminded Cedric those fall to him on days when he’s here and I wanted to loop you in on that too.” The point of doing this is so that if you stop answering the emails and Cedric doesn’t step up, you’re not blamed for it.

That’s not “telling on” Cedric (although frankly you’d be on solid ground if it were since you’re having to pick up his work because he’s playing video games all day). But if you want to try a step that doesn’t involve your manager first, then just tell Cedric, “Hey, I’ve been covering for you on the shared email account but can’t anymore. You should take over answering messages there again.”

4. I think my intern is a scam artist on the side

This morning, one of my reports showed me a Facebook message that appeared to come from one of my student interns. The message is clearly one that is an attempt to initiate a “relationship” in order to bilk money from a victim.

The name from the FB message is the full name of the intern, who uses an abbreviated version of the name as an intern.

We work for a government agency that has made a number of headlines for the wrong reasons, and if the allegations are true, then I suspect this would lead to another one.

I plan to reach out to the internship coordinator to see what can be done, if anything. The intern does good work and contributes, but I am wary of the blowback on myself as a manager — my unit in particular is already under a microscope, and this would only add fuel to the fire.

Well, wait! You’re jumping to conclusions without any investigation. Certainly if your intern is in fact an internet scammer, feel free to cut ties with him — but lots of people’s Facebook accounts get hacked and then are used for this kind of thing. Or it could be someone with the same name, or someone who “borrowed” his photo and name, or all sorts of other possibilities. If anything, it’s probably more likely to be one of these explanations than that your intern is openly trying to run scams on fellow employees (under his own name, no less).

Talk to your intern before you assume anything.

5. How to get to know a colleague who does similar work when they don’t know I exist

I am a solo designer working in a huge corporate company with a manager who knows nothing about design or what I do. I miss having a design informed manager and lately I noticed my company has an internal design team run by a creative director, just in a completely different part of the company. I would love to meet this director and get to know them a bit just in case an opening comes up on their team. How do I make myself known and set up a conversation without it being awkward? We will never run into each other otherwise and I not sure what to say to start a conversation.

It makes a ton of sense to suggest meeting since you’re doing such similar work! Message them and say something like, “Because I do (describe the work you do) for the X team, I wanted to introduce myself. Given the overlaps in our work, I’d love to grab coffee sometime.” You could add, “I’d really like to know more of the company’s designers.”