a dose of perspective (in the form of an update)

by Alison Green on February 22, 2013

Remember the reader who declined an invitation from her boss to attend a professional event over the weekend because she already had dinner with her husband’s family and his elderly godmother? Her husband thought she should have pulled out of the dinner and attended the work event, and she was wondering if she’d made a career blunder by not doing so. Here’s her update.

I wrote to you awhile back about declining a sudden work-related invitation in favor of keeping dinner plans with family that we don’t get to see very often. I opted to keep the dinner plans with my husband’s family and his godmother, because I felt that was more important than attending a reception for which I received a last-minute invitation from my boss. You and nearly all of your readers agreed.

Sadly, my husband’s godmother passed away suddenly yesterday morning. The pain of our loss is somewhat lessened by the fact that one of the last things we did with her was take her to a lovely dinner; I will be forever grateful that we didn’t postpone this evening and miss out on this beautiful memory.

You might not get another evening with your loved ones, but there will almost always be another work event to attend.

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giving a reference for a brilliant but abusive former manager

by Alison Green on February 22, 2013

A reader writes:

My supervisor was recently moved out of my department and I believed she would be looking for new jobs. Lo and behold, I get an email from an out-of-state colleague saying she has applied for the director position there, and would I be able to unofficially tell him anything about her? He made it clear it would be a respectful off-the-record chat, not a full recommendation.

My problem is this: I think she has a lot of great qualities that would make her a wonderful director for their program: vision, dedication, guts, ability to work well with high level people, etc. But she was also verbally abusive to us, the peons in the department who did the actual work. I don’t think she has great people skills at all, but she can write grants like a whiz and is otherwise very competent at big-picture stuff.

So what do I say? How honest should I be? I truly admire her skills and think she would make a great director for their program and would potentially lead them to develop interesting work that would benefit their state. I don’t, however, think she should be in charge of people, and if the director’s position was very hands-on with project management, personnel assignments, or interpersonal issues, I think she would be just as volatile and problematic there as she was here.

I want to be careful because I will need her recommendation — currently a raving positive one — for my future career, and I certainly don’t want to scuttle hers either. I would hate to leave out the negative information because it’s really important. Do I have to decline to answer my colleague altogether, in some kind of “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all” kind of way?

First, call him. Don’t use email for this. There’s no reason to have anything like this floating around in writing.

Then, say this:  “How confidential will this be? I value my relationship with her and am relying on her recommendation for future jobs, and I don’t want to jeopardize that by having anything I say get back to her, but I’d also like to give you candid feedback.”

Assuming he promises you confidentiality in a way that you find credible (and generally speaking, people do keep this stuff confidential — otherwise no one will talk to them), then tell him what you said here. Say that you’d strongly recommend her for X, Y, and Z, and speak as positively of that stuff as you can honestly do … but also tell him, briefly, your assessment of her as a manager.

The reason you should be candid is because you have the opportunity to save him from a potentially bad hire, save other people from working under an abusive manager, and potentially even save her from a job that she won’t be a good fit with (and could even get fired from, if a good manager is above her and sees her managing poorly).

If you’re uncomfortable with full candor, then you can use the less direct language known well to reference-givers and reference-checkers everywhere:  “I would recommend her for X, Y, and Z. I wouldn’t say managing people is her strong point.”

Or, if you really don’t want to get into any of it, you can decline to give a reference — but that actually might be more broadly damning than actually talking to him, which would provide you the chance to speak about her strengths as well as her weak areas. Declining altogether sends one strong “no,” whereas a conversation allows you to be more nuanced.

Read an update to this letter here.

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is your AOL or Hotmail address hurting your job search?

by Alison Green on February 22, 2013

A reader writes:

Does it really matter which email provider you use to apply for jobs?

I ask because I was reading a thread on Reddit recently, and the people there said anything other than Gmail makes a candidate look computer illiterate and/or less intelligent. Essentially, according to this thread, AOL is for old people, dumb people, or people who can’t use a computer; Yahoo and Hotmail are slightly better, but not much; and Gmail is the provider of choice for intelligent candidates who are computer savvy. Recruiters there said they downgrade candidates who use anything other than gmail or an address with a personal domain. Is this true?

No reasonable employer is going to reject you because of your email address’s domain, but it does contribute to an overall impression of you. Using an AOL address does make you look way behind the times when it comes to technology. Yahoo and Hotmail also have a dated feel to them, but not nearly to the same extent. (AOL is particularly bad, because AOL originally marketed itself as a safe way for non-web-savvy users to experience the big bad web, in their own safe little AOL community.)

It’s not going to take you out of the running, but there absolutely are stereotypes about those email addresses, and you should at least be aware that you might get branded with them.

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how long should you wait when a hiring manager doesn’t call you when scheduled to?

by Alison Green on February 22, 2013

A reader writes:

Could you please give your advice on calling etiquette with a potential hiring manager?

I had scheduled via email a time to speak with the hiring manager to address a particular point that they’d asked for clarification on after my first interview. In this case, the hiring manager had responded saying she would be available between X and Y hours, and when should she call me? I’d suggested a time and stated my phone number. I didn’t hear back and when the stated time came, no call. I waited 20 minutes before calling her. It turns out she had been caught up in a last-minute meeting and we rescheduled, so all turned out fine this time.

However, this isn’t the first time I’ve been faced with such a situation, and I’m really interested to know what the suggested etiquette is in cases like this. Do I assume the hiring manager is simply running late and continue to wait for the call, or that I should be the one to call? If so, what’s a reasonable “waiting time” before I call?

Aggggh, it’s so rude when this happens. It would be one thing if it only happened for truly legitimate reasons — which I’m defining as a situation where they’d do the same thing to a colleague or a client* — but it happens way more frequently than that, and sometimes they don’t bother to get back to the candidate to reschedule at all. It’s hugely rude.

The tricky part, of course, is that when it happens to you, you don’t know whether you’re dealing with plain old rudeness or whether they really might be legitimately caught on a call with their boss that they’re trying to wrap up, or what.

In any case, though, it’s not reasonable for you to have to sit around waiting and wondering for some indefinite period of time, so wait 15-20 minutes and then call them. Say something like, “We had a 3:00 call scheduled and I’m checking in since I haven’t heard from you. Would you like to reschedule or is now a good time to talk?” If you get voicemail, change that last sentence to, “I’d love to talk with you; I’ll send you an email to see when we can reschedule.” (And then do.)

And seriously, everyone involved in hiring — recruiters, hiring managers, HR — stop doing this. It’s rude.

* I will note that plenty of us manage to never do this to colleagues or clients, so I don’t totally buy that there’s ever a legitimate reason to miss a scheduled call without advance warning to the other person. But enough other people do it that I’m willing to allow the possibility.

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how to reach out to hiring managers who were referred to me

by Alison Green on February 21, 2013

A reader writes:

I’m on the hunt for a job whilst on a short-term contract. I’ve made a number of my colleagues and current and former managers aware of my situation and some have kindly circulated my resume, while others have given me the names of other managers or helpful colleagues to contact – to the point where I’m overwhelmed by all of the names I’ve received. Sure, it’s a good dilemma, as far as dilemmas go, but I’d appreciate a bit of advice on how to handle this, as I only have one chance to get this right.

I’m less interested in requesting informational interviews (I’m looking to transition from one area of the organization to another, so I’m already somewhat familiar with the business) than taking a more direct approach to looking for a job. I’m thinking of suggesting a quick chat so that I have the chance to make an in-person impression, but I’m not sure how direct I should be in asking for a job or giving them my resume. How would you suggest tackling this?

If what you’re looking for is a job — not just networking or information about the field — then you should be straightforward about that: Send them your resume and a note explaining that Jane Smith suggested you get in touch, explain what kind of work you do and why you think it might be a good fit, and say that you’d love to talk if they think there might be a mutual fit. Even better, have your contact email on your behalf and introduce you, if they’re willing.

But I wouldn’t just suggest to them that you meet. While some people are willing to do that, many will be annoyed by the request, because they’re busy and will just want to take a look at your resume in order to decide if meeting makes sense or not. I’d respect their time and send them your materials, and let them decide if meeting makes sense.

Update: I just re-read your letter and realized that you might be talking only about hiring managers within the organization that you’re currently working. If that’s the case, it’s a bit different. In that case, because you’re a current coworker (even if only on a contract), suggesting an in-person conversation can make a little more sense. I’d still include your resume in that initial contact, though, because this whole exercise is going to be far more useful if they have that from the get-go. (And if I’m wrong and these aren’t all people in your current organization, then ignore this paragraph.)

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should I take a job where my father works?

by Alison Green on February 21, 2013

A reader writes:

I am currently job searching and my dad let me know about an opening at his workplace that I qualify for. He works for a really cool organization that I’d love to work for regardless of his involvement. We wouldn’t be in the same department, but it’s a very small office and I’d have the cube next to his. I am working out my own comfort level with working right next to my dad every day until he retires in a few years, but I’m wondering if there are any pitfalls in general that I should think about when considering this.

Well, you’re asking for pitfalls, so I’m going to give you a big, scary list — but be aware that none of them might come to fruition. But you asked, so here goes:

For starters, if his company is smart, they’ll be very wary of doing this, because what if they hire you, it doesn’t work out, and they have to fire you? How’s that going to impact your dad? Is he really going to stay happy at a workplace that fired his daughter? Are they willing to accept that the price of hiring you could be to potentially lose your dad, who’s probably fairly senior, or deal with him being unhappy? (They probably shouldn’t be willing to make that trade-off, not unless your skills are unusually impressive and hard to find.)  And are you willing to potentially put your dad in that position? (You probably shouldn’t be.)

You might think that’s a non-issue because of course you’ll never get fired, but no one ever takes a job thinking they’re going to lose it … and yet, people do get fired, all the time. You could have a crazy boss (and even if your father tells you the boss you’d have is great, she could quit tomorrow and be replaced by a loon), or it could just end up being the wrong fit. You can’t predict this stuff with certainty.

Pitfalls aside from that … You risk people thinking that you only got the job because of your father. You risk overhearing people saying things about your dad that you really don’t want to hear. You risk seeing your dad in a new light, one that isn’t necessarily flattering. (What if you find out he’s incompetent?) You risk your relationship with your dad changing in ways that you may or may not like, because he’ll see you at work, potentially have opinions about your work, and potentially have opinions about how you carry yourself at work — and vice versa.

Of course, none of it might play out like this, and you might discover that you both love working together. It might bring you closer in ways that you really appreciate. It might show you a different side of your dad that you value getting to see.

But you asked for pitfalls, so there they are. Let us know what happens!

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terse answer Thursday — 7 short answers to 7 short questions

by Alison Green on February 21, 2013

It’s terse answer Thursday — seven short answers to seven short questions. Here we go…

1. Is it better to be the first or last interviewed?

My husband was recently invited to interview for a position he applied for. He was told that they were conducting two sessions of five back-to-back 30-minute initial interviews. Since he was the first one they contacted, he was able to pick his time slot. In a situation like this, is there an any difference or advantage in picking the first slot, or the last? He chose the first slot on the first day, because it worked best with his current work schedule, but I was just curious for future reference.

Nope. You’ll hear all sorts of theories, like it’s better to go first so that you’re the bar against which they judge everyone else, or that it’s better to go last because they’ll remember you more, but honestly — it’s all pretty much BS. If you’re a great candidate, they’re not going to forget you, and if you’re not a great candidate, it won’t matter anyway. Schedule interviews when it’s most convenient, and don’t worry about trying to game the order.

2. Using vacation time when you’re resigning

I’m intending to leave my job in June, to go to grad school. We have a very generous vacation policy, with loads of days each year (and they don’t even count weekends!). The only problem is that it’s use-em-or-lose-em: the company will not pay out for unused days. I currently have 19 days left, and even though I do have a couple of long weekend trips in mind before I quit, there’s no way I can use them all up. One idea I had was to book the remaining time off after I wanted to leave– so my official last day in the office would be June 1, but my last day of employment would be, say, June 15. Is that reasonable? How would I go about it? I have quite a bit of responsibility in my job, and I know when past employees in similar positions left there were often a number of questions they left behind: wouldn’t having a couple of weeks of holiday, where I still am technically an employee but my replacement has taken over my responsibilities, fix that? Although I’d have left I’d be happy to be available for phone or email queries during the transition.

Does that sound reasonable? What’s the best way to pitch this to my boss? Do I book the holiday now without saying anything, and then quit, or wait till I quit to bring it up? Or does quitting mean I’m forfeiting my holiday time? By the way, if it helps, I’ll be giving 4-6 weeks notice.

You can certainly ask your manager about this, but be prepared to be told no. A lot of employers have policies that you can’t take any paid vacation days once you’ve given your notice. Also, the whole point of a notice period is to give them time when you’re still there to wrap up your projects and help with a transition. If you’re on vacation, it defeats much of the point.

One option is that you could offer to give a longer-than-usual notice period with the understanding that you’ll be on vacation at the start of it — and then return for a few weeks and wrap up your projects. If they say no, then you can just have an earlier ending date.

3. Mentioning temporary blindness when applying for a job with an organization that works on vision issues

Last year, I had an eye inflammation which made me temporarily blind for a couple of months. I have completely recovered and my vision has come back to normal. However, this experience had a strong impact on me and I became very interested in the prevention of avoidable blindness. As I have extensive experience as a researcher and policy officer in the not-for-profit sector, I thought I could use my skills for this cause. I am about to apply for a foundation whose main goal is to provide all people with the right to high quality and affordable eye care. I was wondering whether it is appropriate to mention in my cover letter my temporary blindness and my desire to help people in the same situation. Of course, I would usually never mention in a cover letter something so personal and related to my own health problems, and I know that it can definitely be a big turn-off. However, I thought that perhaps this case might be slightly different. Any advice on this would be much appreciated.

Yep, mention it. It’s nearly always worth mentioning any personal connection you have to an nonprofit’s work; it’s part of explaining why you want to work there.

4. Interviewer asked about my interview processes with other employers

I just finished up a phone interview that I thought went well. Toward the end of the conversation, the interviewer asked me if I was interviewing with other companies and if so, where I was in the process. I told her I had another phone interview scheduled with Company A in a couple of days. I am also waiting for for a second interview to be scheduled with Company B within the next week or two (the people I am meeting with next are on PTO so the interview can’t be scheduled until they return to the office). She then pressed, “Where would you say you are in the interview process with them? Are you in the beginning or final stages?” I told her I was in the middle, since I know there’s a third interview to follow.

Ordinarily I wouldn’t read too much into this, but the fact that she pressed me about my interview schedule with Company B got me thinking: is there a reason she was so concerned about my other interviews? I’ve been in plenty of interviews throughout my career, but have never been asked this question. Have you asked a candidate this question and if so, why? I’ve been unemployed since December, so I’m trying not to let the “I really want this job!” mentality cloud my judgement.

Generally employers ask these types of questions when they think you’re a strong candidate and want to assess how likely they are to lose you to another offer, and how quickly you might need things to move on their end. You don’t really need to answer with as much detail as you provided; it’s fine to say that you’re talking with several other companies, are in the final stages with one, and expect them to make a decision in the next two weeks (or whatever the case is). No need to get into the specifics of phone interview scheduling or anything like that.

5. Fired after a coworker punched me

I was fired from a job I loved in September. I am a professional makeup artist, and while working on a client, in a busy upscale retail store, I was punched by a coworker in front of my client and other customers. We had a heated argument and ended the confrontation quickly. A week later, I was fired; I was told that I knew this person had a bad temper and should have been more careful around her. Crazy, huh?

Although I’m still dealing with this shocker, I have no idea what to put on job applications. When they ask “were you ever fired or discharged,” what do I do? Mark no and hope they don’t find out? Mark yes?

I’ve had interviews with a couple companies I felt were a perfect fit for me, only to never hear back from them. What’s happening? I can’t afford to stay home and I can’t get another job no matter how I fill out my applications or tailor my resume. Is my past employer causing this problem for me (even though they’re not supposed to)? What are my options?

Well, first, don’t assume that you’re not getting hired because of them. People often have interviews where they feel they’re a perfect fit but still don’t get the job — someone else was just a better fit. That said, call your former HR department and try to work out a reference that won’t harm you. (See tips here.) Ideally, you’ll get them to agree to say that you resigned, so that you can mark “no” when job applications ask if you’ve ever been fired.

6. Applying in person

I ride my bike all through town and pass places I would like to go in and ask if they are hiring — coffee shops, bike shops, some retail stores, flower shops, restaurants, and offices (medical, insurance, law firms; I have been trying everywhere). But then I look down and see I am in my cycling attire. I live in a town where cycling is somewhat accepted. I want to know if it would be rude to go the hiring office and ask if they are hiring if I am in my cycling attire. Of course, if I get an interview I would dress appropriately and take the bus.

And how do I handle job applications? Many times when I go to a place, they say to apply online or that they are not hiring and sometimes I want to say out loud, “Can you at least put me in for an interview?” Is it ok to do that?

No, you should not job-search in biking clothes. Moreover, while it’s okay to go into the retail stores, coffee shops, and restaurants and apply in person, you absolutely should not do that with offices (in any attire, let alone biking gear). That’s not how people get office jobs; you need to email them a resume and cover letter.

And no, you definitely cannot ask for an interview when they tell you that they’re not hiring or when they instruct you to apply online! If they tell you to apply online, that’s what you need to do.

There’s a ton of info in the archives here that will tell you a lot more about how to handle these situations; read them!

7. Manager won’t give me my performance evaluation

Our company re-organized in June, and I have a new boss (Vice President) and am part of a newly created subsidiary. At the beginning of December, the president of my subsidiary requested our self evaluations in preparation for doing annual performance evaluations. I sent him my current self evaluation — as well as last year’s evaluation since he wasn’t the person who conducted the eval. Then I waited, and I waited. I sent him an email at the end of December asking if he did receive the evaluations. I sent him an email reminder about once a week, I called and left a voicemail for him. Two weeks ago, he finally sent an email with a brief apology and said that someone would be scheduling the evaluation soon — probably the VP — which is fine. But still no meeting invite or email. I honestly think they are pleased with my performance, (they are good about communicating when there is a problem) but I find this very frustrating. I have been with this company for 12 years — and have moved up nicely — but I’m beginning to think it may be time for us to part ways.

This is extraordinarily common. I’m in no way defending it — it’s ridiculous — but it’s really common, and you’re probably better off not continuing to pursue it. Ask for feedback about how you’re doing in your next meeting with your manager, but stop waiting for him to do your formal evaluation. He may not, and meanwhile you’ll just get more and more frustrated. I’d just ask for feedback informally and then drop it. (However, if raises are tied to evaluations, then ignore all that. In that case, you need to meet with him and politely make your case for a raise, totally aside from the eval.)

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ask the readers: how to figure out what career you want

by Alison Green on February 20, 2013

I’m throwing this one out to the readers for suggestions. A reader writes:

My cousin is graduating from college in May, and I was just talking to her about what she is going to do afterwards. I was able to give her some job searching/applying advice, but she does have a problem that stumped me a bit, and I think this is pretty common among young people: She doesn’t know what she wants to do. She is majoring in psychology and business, which gives her a pretty wide range of options, but I think she is overwhelmed and having trouble narrowing things down.

Do you have any advice or resources for people to help them figure out a career path? Obviously your first job out of college doesn’t have to be a “dream job” or the “perfect fit,” but I think it’s hard for young people to even figure out what direction to start in.

I’m curious to hear other people’s thoughts on this, but my main piece of advice is that it’s okay not to know right away what you want to do. Lots of us who now love our jobs stumbled around in the beginning, trying different things and figuring out what we were good at — and eventually ended up in something we wouldn’t have predicted at the start.

This is really common for liberal arts graduates, who aren’t pointed at one specific career path. Lots of people just sort of take what they can get and do that for a while, while they figure out what they like, what they dislike, what they’re great at, and what they’re not so great at. There’s absolutely no shame in that path — it’s most people’s path, in fact — but it’s not something most grads are prepared for when they come out of school.

That’s just the theoretical advice though. What more specific advice do people have for figuring out what you want to do when you have no idea?

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how soon after starting a new job can you take a whole week off?

by Alison Green on February 20, 2013

A reader writes:

How soon after you start working is it reasonable to ask for a whole week off? I’m pretty junior level, but it’s to see a family member who is terminally ill. But even if that weren’t the case, I’d still like know what employers think about taking lots of time off near the start of employment.

It depends on your employer, your job, and the reason.

In general, taking a week off soon after starting a job — any time in the first, say, four or five months — isn’t generally something you want to do. Your manager is too likely to think, “She just started, she’s still being trained, and she already wants a week off?”

There are a couple of exceptions to this though:

1. If a parent or sibling is seriously ill. (Or a spouse or child, in which case most people will take additional time too.) This becomes iffier when it’s a more distant relative; most employers aren’t going to be as understanding about taking a week off soon after starting to visit an ill grandparent or cousin. There are exceptions, of course … but a week is a long time to be gone when you’ve just started, and most people will expect you to use that only for very close relatives. (You can argue whether or not that’s reasonable; I’m just telling you what’s typical.)

2. If you cleared the time off before accepting the job. In that case, the reason for the time off is irrelevant; you negotiated that as part of your offer, and it’s fine to do. (And if it’s something like a pre-planned vacation, always bring it up before accepting an offer. It will come across a lot better than if you mention it after you’ve already started.)

Also, if you’re unsure how to handle your particular situation in your particular workplace, you can always talk to your boss about the situation and ask what might be feasible. If nothing else, you’ll get a sense of how your manager views this stuff, and you can decide how to proceed from there.

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what to do when your employer is breaking the law

by Alison Green on February 20, 2013

This is a post I should have written a long time ago.

I get a lot of letters from people about something their workplace is doing that’s likely illegal. They’re often wondering what their next move should be … and because most people don’t know what to do if their employer is violating their legal rights at work, they often either threaten legal action too quickly or don’t speak up at all because they’re not sure what to say.

First, before anything, you want to make sure that your employer really is breaking the law. People often wrongly assume that the law entitles them to things that aren’t actually enshrined in law—such as fair treatment, paid vacation days, or a warning before being fired. So first make sure that you really are facing a legal violation.

If you are, you might assume that your first step should be to talk to a lawyer and file a lawsuit. But much of the time that isn’t necessary at all, and jumping straight to a lawsuit — while certainly your prerogative — can unnecessarily poison your work environment.

Instead, a better first step is often to simply talk to your employer. Start from the assumption that they don’t realize that there’s a legal problem, and that you are courteously bringing it to their attention. It’s often worth taking this approach even if you’re pretty sure that your employers know their actions are illegal and just don’t care. This stance will usually get you a better outcome than making it clear that you think your managers are flagrant law-breakers.

For instance, if your boss is requiring you to work unpaid overtime when you’re non-exempt (the government category that determines whether you must be paid overtime or not), try working it out with your manager directly. Say something like, “We’re actually required by federal law to pay overtime to people in my job category. I can work the overtime if you want me to, but the company is required to pay for it.”

Or, if you’re devoutly religious and your boss is requiring you to work on the Jewish holy day of Yom Kippur, when plenty of non-religious employees are available to cover that shift, you could say, “Yom Kippur is a religious holiday for me. I’ve spoken to several employees who don’t feel their religious practice requires them to observe it. Because we’re required by federal law to accommodate employees’ religious practices, could we schedule them that day instead of me?”

Note that the tone here is collaborative, not adversarial. You’re even saying “we” rather than “you” in talking about the company’s obligations. And that’s because your tone should be that you’re looking out for the company’s best interest, not making a legal threat—the same tone you’d use if you were advising your boss on another employee’s request. There’s no overt threat of legal action.

The reason for that is that your goal here is not just to assert your legal rights but also to keep a good relationship with your employer. It is possible to do both, but that’s far less likely to happen if you wield the law like a weapon. Fair or not, the reality is that few relationships are unaffected when legal threats are made. You still have the option of taking legal action if it comes to that — but you’re far more likely to get a good outcome by starting out this way.

Now, what if you talk to your employer and point out the law, but nothing changes? At that point, you have a decision to make about how far you want to push the issue. The law might give you a remedy, but realistically, it’s also probably going to make your working environment difficult, and might even make it harder for you to get hired in the future if employers worry you’re litigious. If you weigh those factors and decide to proceed, then your next logical step is to either talk with a lawyer or — depending on the law in play — your state’s labor department.

But before you try that, try a straightforward conversation. It might be all you need to solve the problem with all parties happy.

I originally published this column at U.S. News & World Report.

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