short answer Saturday — 6 short answers to 6 short questions

It’s short answer Saturday — six short answers to six short questions. Here we go…

1. Do I have to attend this work training?

My boss recently announced that they “strongly recommend” that everyone in our group get a certain certification. She has told us multiple times that she really wants everyone in our group to get this certification this year. The certification consists of seven two-day courses — always on Fridays and Saturdays.

Using seven of my Saturdays for this course wouldn’t be my ideal use of time, but I was fine with it. However, my boss has now come back and said that since we are getting a certification out of this course we have to a) pay for everything oursleves upfront, and only get reimbursed when we pass the course b) use vacation days for the course. So now this course is taking 14 days of my personal time (over a week of vacation time alone!), AND I have to do the several-thousand dollar cost on my own for most of the year. The thing is, I wouldn’t take this course if it weren’t for my job. And I’m pretty sure I don’t want to stay in this area long-term. I am looking for other oppurtunities within the same company, but it may be a while until I can move. Until them, my boss is expecting me to complete all 7 of these courses this year. How do I discuss with her the fact that I am not willing to use 1/2 of my vacation (I get 15 days) plus 7 Saturdays to complete this course? I don’t want to come across as a trouble-maker- I am just coming back from 2 months of modified work duties due to an illness, and I don’t want to become the employee who is always creating trouble.

If the training is truly mandatory, your employer is required by federal law to pay for the time that you attend the training. They can, however, require you to deduct the time from your accrued vacation, believe it or not. (That’s because no law requires them to give you vacation time at all, so they can put whatever rules they want on it.) If you’re exempt, this doesn’t really help you at all. If you’re non-exempt, however, they’d need to pay you for that Friday in class — as well as extra pay for the Saturday (if that’s an extra work day for you), plus overtime pay if that puts you over 40 hours that week.

I’d ask your boss to clarify whether it’s mandatory or not and what would happen if you don’t attend. You should also explain your concerns about the money and the significant amount of vacation time you’d lose. Sometimes just pointing these things out can chance the decision. But if it doesn’t, I’d figure out the likely consequences of simply saying that you can’t afford the time or price and skipping it.

2. Hiring large groups of people

I wanted to write you with a question about a hiring process. I’ve been in my current role as a manager with a large research group at a university for about a year now. We run several large-scale research projects for which we hire large numbers of graduate research assistants every summer. We typically interview over 100 people for about 60 spots in the span of 2-3 months. Because of sheer quantity of people, we do 20 minute interviews and check references. Since these people are students seeking to fund their graduate studies, the university requires us to interview all applicants in person (I know…). These are all young people in graduate school, so many of them don’t have much formal work experience.

I’ve read your posts about hiring entry-level people, and thought that was very helpful, but I wondered if you had any specific advice about hiring large quantities of people at the same time? I don’t think that our system is working very well—my peers joke that we’d be better off pulling names out of a hat! To illustrate, on my project this academic year, we’ve had two people quit (one without notice) and fired two people for poor performance. We have a group of people performing at a high level, some who are fine, and a frustratingly large group on whom I have to keep really close tabs because of their poor performance. What can we be doing better in our hiring process to avoid some of these issues?

20-minute interviews aren’t nearly enough to tell you to hire, but if you’re required to interview all 100, I can see why you can’t give them more time. However, it sounds like you’re not giving the any exercises or simulations to see how they actually perform, and adding in that component could give you much better information. Have your candidates do some kind of exercise related to the work they’d be doing on the job — I guarantee you that you’ll get much better insight into who to hire.

That said, whenever you’re hiring 60 people, some of them aren’t going to work out. So I’d go into it expecting that too.

3. Is there a contracting blacklist?

I was fired from my last job at a government contractor in the area. I was wondering if there is black list that government contractors have to prevent you from working with another company. Do you know?

Very unlikely. People talk informally, of course, but you’re probably safe from a black list.

4. Mentioning current employer’s financial instability in an interview

When answering a question about why I want to leave my current job, is it wrong to cite concerns about the company’s financial stability? My employer has been throwing up a lot of red flags (massive layoffs, a way scaled back Christmas party, late payroll) and I’m worried they’ll lay me off or go out of business altogether. Will mentioning concerns about their viability make me appear disloyal or overly negative?

Nope, that’s a completely understandable reason to be looking for another job. Don’t go into detail or reveal things you shouldn’t, of course, but it’s fine to say that you’re company is having layoffs or having trouble meeting payroll and so you’re looking for something more stable.

5. My company has a ridiculously arduous decision-making process

I work for a company that in the past has made a lot of mistakes when it came to decision making. They’ve purchased the wrong software and wasted enormous amounts of money, they’ve hired too many people, they’d fired the wrong people, etc. Due to the past mistakes, they’ve acquired a more micromanaged “chain of command.” Meaning, we have process analysts, team leads, supervisors, managers, directors, vice presidents. Now the problem I’m having is that because there is so many people in charge, they are all in charge at the same time, if that makes sense. If the supervisor has to be in a meeting, so does the manager (just in case), and the director (just in case). It seems that all decisions must be taken as a “team” of leaders, rather than escalating.

In my past jobs in college, I’ve had to report to a single person, I presented my work to them, and they were allowed to make decisions according to their level. But here, I have to present to ALL leadership. It makes the process more arduous. Because there is so many people in charge, decisions are a painful process. The leadership does not seem to trust one another in the making decisions. I feel overwhelmed with the amount of work a decision takes.

It stresses me out to work in this environment. I like the work I do, but I don’t like the pain of working with a team of leaders, one higher than the other, but essentially doing the same job. Is this normal? This is my first job out of college and I feel like I should quit, but I want to consider some advice and know if this is a norm at other companies as well.

No, it’s not normal and it’s terribly inefficient. Your company sounds badly managed.

6. Background check when you have an arrest for an unpaid traffic ticket

I have a question regarding background checks and how important is it to have a clean record. I just got a job offer, and they mentioned conducting a background check. I’m concerned about getting too excited or saying anything to my current employer because I know that I have an arrest on my record. In 2008, I got a ticket for not wearing a seat belt. I paid the ticket with a money order through the mail as per instructions. Two years later, in 2010, I was pulled over and arrested for driving on a suspended license. The license was suspended because, according the court, the ticket had not been paid and that is “failure to appear” and an automatic suspension of license. At the time of my arrest, I had received no notice that my payment had not been received nor that my license had been suspended. Furthermore, in that same two year time-frame, I had renewed my license.

The end result is, on my record it says that I was arrested for driving on a suspended license. I want to email the HR manager so he knows to expect it. However, I’m really worried about whether this is cause to rescind the offer. I’m also concerned with what to say to HR. I want to keep it as factual and concise as possible, but at the same time explain that the arrest for driving on a suspended license is not due to anything more nefarious than not wearing my seat belt.

It was a horrifying, humiliating experience, and a dash to my squeaky clean record. (I had previously held jobs requiring federal security clearance). And, I’m terrified this is going to ruin my chances for a job I’m really excited about.

This will almost certainly be fine. Email or call the HR manager and just explain what you said here. Lots and lots of people have weird little blips like this on their records. The important thing is just to proactively explain it to him. You should be fine!

how to calculate how much work experience you have

Here are two questions about how to calculate work experience.

1. How much do part-time internships count toward work experience?

Looking at job listings that say they require a certain number of years of experience, I’m a bit unsure of how to figure out how much “experience” I have.

For example, if I did an internship at 10 hours a week for 6 months, does that count as 6 months of experience even though it wasn’t full-time or even part-time?

If I did two 10-hour/week internships over 6 months, is that 6 months of experience, or could it be counted as a year since I was working at two different places?

Well, no, 10 hours a week for six months isn’t really the same as 6 full months of experience. Technically it’s about a quarter of that. You are, after all, getting far less experience when you’re there 10 hours than when you’re there 40 hours.

And two 10-hour/week internships over 6 months definitely does not count as a year, for similar reasons.

But that doesn’t mean that you need to count it as two months of experience when it stretched out over six months. It just means that you need to understand that you’re less experienced than someone else who was working full-time for a similar length of time.

The more important thing to know, though, is that this stuff isn’t really about precise formulas. No one is going to strike you dead or even call you epithets for applying for something that requires more experience than you have. The worst case outcome is that they might not interview or hire you. But in some cases they will, if you can make up for lack of experience in other ways — impressive accomplishments, a strong work ethic, an engaging personality, a compelling cover letter, an obvious smartness. Sometimes that stuff overcomes the lack of experience, and sometimes not. You can’t really know when it will and when it won’t until you try.

2. How much can schoolwork count as work experience?

I recently (December) graduated from a master’s program and have been on the job search since the beginning of the year. Besides graduate school, I do have work experience with one professional job and a highly sought after internship with the Department of State abroad. I would like to add some experiences from graduate school as “work experiences” but am not sure how of if I can do that.

Most of my courses were pretty standard with theory lectures and grades were given based on exams or research papers. A few of my courses required the completion of major projects. These projects were done for external organizations unrelated to the university (a local non-profit, a large hospital, and a federally funded government initiative). I feel that these projects are beyond the standard realm of education experience but maybe fall short of true work experience. Combined, these three projects equal almost a year of experience, and all of these projects were implemented in the organizations.

For example, I was applying for a federal government job and one of the assessment questions asked if I had experience locating and interviewing subject matter experts to extract facts and translate complex material into non-technical terms. In all of my projects, we (or I) worked heavily with subject matter experts to develop training manuals on complex issues for non-technical audiences. Can I truthfully answer “yes, I have the experience” or would I still have to answer “I have the education but not work experience”? If so, how can I relate this experience on my resume? I was thinking of adding a “Related Experiences” section to my resume to convey my experiences with these projects.

Definitely list those things on your resume. They count. But you’re right to list them in a Related Experience section rather than lumping them in with work.

The reason for that is that while they count, they don’t count quite as much — for most hiring managers — as if you had done them through a job. The reason for that is that when you do projects as part of your job, there’s generally a higher level of accountability. Someone has determined that you’re fit to do the work, they’ve assessed it as its going along, and they’ve held you some particular performance standard. Some of that is true when you do it through school, but it’s different.

So they don’t count quite as much, but they do still count. (And yes, you can answer “yes” when asked if you have experience doing things that you do, in fact, have experience doing. Unless they specifically ask you whether it was through work or school, there’s no reason you have to add a “but it was school” footnote.)

asking HR for advice about a second-round interview

A reader writes:

I have a second-round interview coming up for an in-house legal position. This round of interviews is with senior management and will include the chief legal officer.

My contact person is the HR manager in charge of legal recruiting. I am wondering what type of information I can request of her about the folks with whom I will interview. In other words, may I ask for bios of these people? Or LinkedIn profiles? May I ask whether she has any advice for the interviews? Or whether there are particular topics I should be prepared to address? Those last two feel unprofessional, so I’m inclined to just ask for biographical-type of information, but is even that inappropriate? Many thanks in advance for your assistance.

Opinions probably differ on this, but I’d say not to ask for advice for the interviews. It risks coming across as if you’re asking for inside information to help you do well, which makes you look … not especially confident and even a little bit supplicating. I wouldn’t even ask if there are particular topics you should be prepared to address, because — unless you have some reason to believe otherwise — it’s likely that the answer is going to be the standard interview stuff: your experience, interests, skills, etc.

It’s not that the HR manager would gasp in horror if you asked or anything like that, but it’s going to come across as a little unnecessary and probably not garner you any information you don’t already know anyway.

There are times when someone will divulge some advice — “Jane really likes to hear about experience in area X, so make sure you emphasize that” or “Bob can be a little intimidating, but that’s just his face,” or whatever — but it’s better to let them volunteer that than to come across as if you’re looking for a cheat sheet because you don’t trust the process to work well on its own.

After all, remember that you are supposed to be interviewing the employer right back and working to figure if this would be the right fit for you — it’s not just a one-way assessment. So you don’t want to come across as if you’re just interested in impressing them at all costs. It’s about talking to them like normal people, being whoever you are naturally, and figuring out if it’s the right fit on both sides.

I also wouldn’t ask for bios or LinkedIn profiles, because you should be able to find those items yourself online; asking for them will probably make you look unresourceful. That assumes you have their names, of course; if you don’t, you can certainly ask for the names and positions of the people you’ll be meeting with. From there, you should be able to research them yourself. (If for some reason you don’t find information about them online, I wouldn’t go back and ask at that point either; it’s not so crucial that you have their bios that it’s worth asking the HR person to collect them for you.)

Good luck!

fast answer Friday — 7 short answers to 7 short questions

It’s fast answer Friday — seven short answers to seven short questions. Here we go…

1. Brushing your teeth at the office

I recently got Invisalign treatment for my teeth that require me to take very strict care of my oral hygiene, such as brushing my teeth after every time I eat. However, my office only has public bathrooms, and I don’t want to unintentionally gross out other people in the office (though I realize many people may not mind). Do you have suggestions on taking care of these requirements in the office?

I don’t think you really have much choice, other than to simply go for it and brush your teeth there. I mean, you can’t really erect a cone of invisibility around you while you do it. I say, do it and own your awesome oral hygiene. If anyone acts grossed out by, act like you’re disgusted that they’re not doing it.

2. Punished for not attending a meeting?

I am told by my employer that I must attend a meeting at work. I also just had a dental problem arise, requiring me to need an extraction. The soonest appointment would be during said meeting. I am told that unless I’m on FMLA, I will get written up for not being there. Can they punish me (write me up) for missing the meeting even though I have a valid reason for missing the meeting?

Sure. They can punish you / write you up for pretty much anything they want — missing a meeting, brushing your teeth in the bathroom, not shouting “show me the money” every hour on the hour, or anything else, as long as it’s not based on your race, religion, disability, or other protected class, and as long as it’s not retaliation for engaging in legally protected activity, as well as a small number of other legally protected things.

What you’re asking is if it’s fair. Maybe, maybe not. On its face, it seems unfair. But it could be fair if it’s a crucial meeting that can only be held at that time, or if you have a history of missing meetings they want you at.

3. Leaving just before I’m scheduled to get a bonus

My current company is soon going to give out last year’s bonus. If I get a new position with the company I’m interviewing with now, it means I might have to leave before receiving the bonus, which is a very generous bonus. Since the bonus is for last year, I’m thinking I’m still entitled to it, no? Or does my current company have the right not to give it to me if I leave? If this is the case, is it appropriate for me ask the new company to delay my start date and discuss the bonus situation with them?

If it’s written into your contract as something you’ve earned, then yes, generally they’d still need to give it to you. But if it’s not, then it’s at your company’s discretion, and they could indeed opt not to give it you since you’re leaving. (And that’s not uncommon. While you see it as a reward for work well done, they often see it as an incentive to stay. If you’re leaving, there’s nothing to incentivize.)

You can certainly explain the situation to the new company and ask to delay your start date by a small amount of time. (Some companies will solve this by giving you the bonus money themselves, if you’re valuable enough. Don’t count on that though.)

4. Interviewer opened by asking what questions I had

I had an in-person interview on Monday and a phone interview today (with two separate, unrelated companies). Both interviews started with me being asked if I had any questions. I always thought that came at the end of an interview (and indeed, in both cases I did get the chance to ask questions again at the end). This seemed unusual to me, though, and I feel like I fumbled a little trying to think of appropriate questions to ask before the position was even discussed — is this a new standard interview practice? What kind of questions do you think I should have asked?

Some interviewers do that. I’d start with broad questions — “Why is the position open?” “What are the most important things you’re looking for in the role?” “I’ve read the job description, of course, but I’d love to hear you describe the key pieces of the position as you see.” Etc.

5. Reapplying for a job when you previously withdrew from a hiring process

I interviewed for a very large nonprofit about a year and a half ago. They liked me enough to ask me to come back and meet with the CIO. I declined, however, because the position as it was described in the job listing was different than what was described to me in the interview. I had a series of really nice emails back and forth with the hiring manager at the time letting her know why I was declining — both the difference in how the job duties were described and that it seemed to be a really high-stress environment with high turnover.

As it turns out, I have been laid off from the job I accepted with another organization and I see that a very similar position to the one I interviewed for last year is now available. The hiring manager I spoke with last year is no longer with the organization and all the people responsible for this current job listing are not people I interviewed with, most were not at the organization at the time. As the current description reads, it does seem like it would be a good fit for me. I’m a little concerned that this might be mis-advertising, like it was last year. How do I address this in the cover letter? Do I mention my previous interview?

I’d simply say that you spoke with Jane Smith about a role last year, but ultimately decided you were interested in something more focused on X, but that this new position really interests you. No need to go into further detail than that.

6. Science grad applying outside my field

I graduated as a neuroscience major with the full intention of going to dental school but am seeing things differently now since graduating. I never thought about going into business, sales, marketing or any related field during my undergrad simply because I never had any exposure to that arena as a science major until I started job searching and now I’m realizing how interested I am in this field and wish I had known sooner!

I’m going to a job fair at my university, read your job fair post and did my research and there was this health insurance and benefits consulting firm that specializes in tech startups (which I love) and prides themselves in being the most up to date on what is going on in the benefits sphere through extensive research (which I also love). I was really looking forward to talking to them and to have a contact to refer to in my cover letter, but they canceled. So now I’m wondering, how can I standout now to them? Especially as a science major who has just recently found out more about this field but can really see themselves enjoying this area of work.

Well, you stand out the way you always stand out: by being a well-qualified candidate and having an awesome resume and cover letter. However, you have something going for you that you should make sure to emphasize: You have a science background that a lot of their applicants probably don’t have. Use that. Talk about what that would bring to the role that would help you do a great job in it. That’s something that legitimately could make you stand out from other candidates, because lots of people won’t have it. Good luck.

7. Telling a company about their poorly written emails

After going through a few interviews with a company, then informed me that they decided to go with another candidate, and told me to apply again in the future. They have now sent me this form email asking for feedback about the hiring process, in the form of a survey.

When they scheduled my second interview, an email I got was just awful — lack of punctuation, bad grammar, the works. The email was so poorly written that I almost contacted the recruiter to ask her if my interpretation of the email was correct. If I tell them about this, I don’t want the criticism to burn any bridges. Other than this email, the hiring process was fine. I was thinking I would just not complete the survey, or complete it and tell them what they want to hear (I know, the opposite of the point, right?). If I don’t complete the survey, will I seem disengaged and be a less attractive candidate next time around? Does it matter? What do you think?

Well, while they really should know about this, it’s not your responsibility to inform them — especially not at the possible cost of harming your relationship with them. So I wouldn’t raise it.

And I doubt they’re paying attention to who did and didn’t complete the survey when it comes to future hiring, so I wouldn’t worry about that.

update from the reader with the inexplicably creepy coworker

Speaking of creepy coworker situations, as we were in the previous post, remember the reader back in July who was creeped out by one of her coworkers but couldn’t put her finger on why? She later wrote in with an update saying that several other women in the office were feeling the same way. Here’s her update now:

I wanted to offer another update on my previous creepy coworker situation.

A week ago, the guy I wrote to you about over the summer quit! It was quite sudden, and he left with no notice (very unusual for my company, which typically encourages people to give long notice periods), and with no new job announcement. It’s a bit strange, actually, because usually when people leave, there is an announcement at our weekly staff meeting, including noting where the person is moving on to, and a send-off happy hour, either in the office or at the bar down the street. My company tries to create a lot of good will with departing employees, but that didn’t seem to happen here.

Even weirder — this guy, who was fairly senior and who made me, a young, fairly junior woman, and several other young, fairly junior women, very uncomfortable, sent out an email on his last day inviting people to join him at the bar down the street (which is what the company usually does, but he did it this time). The strange part — the only people he invited out of my office of more than 100 people were 20 young, fairly junior women.

Anyway, I don’t know what happened in the end, but I have to say, I’m relieved he is gone!

I work the night shift with a creepy coworker

A reader writes:

I work a great full-time day job, but it wasn’t paying my bills, so I took a part-time weekend position too. The weekend position involves working graveyard shifts at psychiatric residential units. Most of the time the clients are sleeping, and I work directly with one male coworker (I am female; they always schedule one of each gender). Most of my coworkers are awesome.

However, there is one who I have a regular weekly shift with. He constantly asks who I am texting (we are able to just hang out in case the residents wake up and need something, otherwise we just play around online, read books, or watch TV), who I might be emailing, etc. He always asks what I did during the weekend, and if I mention anything regarding going out with friends, he always responds with, “Did you meet any guys you like? Did you do anything with them?”

I always play it off and say my social life is pretty dull, but I’m progressively feeling less safe every week because his questions are becoming more invasive. He is asking questions about my sex life (?!), my relationship history, what I look for in someone, and even asked how much I was planning on drinking one night, and if that would be enough to make me go home with someone. He also mentions his marriage is failing on a pretty regular basis. I try to change the subject, but it doesn’t work. I try to tell him I have no social life, all I do is work, but that doesn’t seem to be doing anything either. Once I fell asleep (they’re okay with us sleeping on the couch, as long as it’s not excessive), and I woke up to him standing nearby staring at me.

I don’t want to say anything directly to him…I don’t entirely feel safe around him. And, I will continue to have a regular, weekly, graveyard shift with just the two of us. There is no HR, and our manager is incompetent. Basically, I am hoping you could give me ideas for how to help this without being direct to the point of causing a potential issue, but not subtle enough that it keeps continuing. I don’t want him to do something weird. I have started keeping my stun gun in my pocket while working. Please help.

Ugh, what an uncomfortable situation to be in, and when you’re working alone with him too.

Here’s the thing, though:  You’re looking for a solution that gets this handled without you having to be direct with anyone — him or someone in charge. And while I’m totally sympathetic to wanting that, it probably doesn’t exist. You’re going to have to say something to someone, and since he isn’t exactly presenting a safe environment for addressing it with him, talking to someone else is your best bet.

That probably means your manager, even though she’s incompetent. It’s worth noting that even incompetent people are often able to come through in situations like this … but either way, it’s a big enough deal that you have to escalate it to someone. If you absolutely can’t talk to your manager or you do and she doesn’t act, is there someone else there in a position of authority who you can talk to? Even someone beneath your manager, but with more authority than you?

Whoever you talk to, you need to tell someone with some authority that you feel unsafe working alone with this guy, and that you don’t want to be scheduled with him anymore.

You’re also probably not the only woman feeling creeped out by this guy, so you might ask other coworkers and see what their experience has been, since It would be helpful if others spoke up too.

If you speak up and nothing happens, then I’d seriously reconsider the job. The rest of your coworkers may be awesome, but the combination of a creepy dude working the night shift with you and a manager who doesn’t care that you feel unsafe is not a job to stick around at.

Read an update to this letter here.

coworker confronted me when I mistakenly assumed another coworker was his wife

A reader writes:

I am an IT worker, and in that position, I frequently come into contact with my coworkers’ email during the normal execution of my duties. I do not snoop and really have no interest in what my peers are sending to each other. Nonetheless, in my line of work it’s not possible to 100% eliminate seeing other people’s messages.

I noticed one of my male coworkers (we’ll call him Fred) frequently eats lunch with another female coworker (we’ll call her Ginger). This seemed innocent to me and nothing I took a particular interest in.

Recently Fred requested that I help him with a problem on his PC. He had left open an email message on his desktop from Ginger. The first two words of the message were “hey baby.” I did not read the rest of the message because I had no interest in it and it was not why I was there. I fixed his PC problem and left.

I did not know Fred or Ginger well. I noticed Fred wore a wedding ring, had seen him often with Ginger, and knew Ginger sent him an email starting with “hey baby.”  I assumed Ginger was Fred’s wife. I made an offhand comment to that effect to one of my coworkers, believing this to be an innocent conversation and thinking nothing of it.

The comment got back to Fred, who, to my surprise, was not Ginger’s husband after all. Fred cornered me in my office while I was alone, and demanded in unambiguous terms that I stop spreading rumors which might threaten his marriage. This hit me as a complete shock; I had no idea Fred was not married to Ginger, and had never intended to start any rumors. I had simply made a logical (but incorrect) deduction from a few casual observations.

Fred’s manner and tone in this confrontation felt very threatening to me. I stammered an apology and quickly left the room to escape a very intimidating situation. In hindsight, I do not feel I did anything wrong, and more to the point, I feel Fred’s confrontation was both overly aggressive (bordering on bullying) and unfair.

In any case, I feel there must have been better ways for me to handle the situation. Offering apologies when I did not truly believe I had done anything wrong was just being a doormat. I would like to know if there are better strategies for dealing with this kind of confrontational coworker in the future.

Fred’s reaction was definitely over-the-top … but you also weren’t really warranted in thinking they were married on the sole basis of a “hey baby.”

I wouldn’t be surprised if Fred and Ginger are indeed inappropriately involved, which would also explain the overly aggressive nature of Fred’s confrontation with you. Otherwise, he’d presumably just correct you and move on.

In any case, you’re asking whether you could have handled the situation better. I actually think you handled it fine: You apologized for saying something about him that was incorrect, which is reasonable, and you didn’t do anything to inflame someone who was already worked up. Both of those are generally good moves.

Fred wasn’t wrong in telling you to cut this out — he was wrong in how he did it. And you could certainly address that with him later if you wanted to, but frankly, he sounds like a guy that it would be better to just steer clear of.

Anyone want to argue it differently?

should we report husband’s ex-wife to her boss?

Here’s another post from October 2009 to continue our Valentine’s Day theme.

A reader writes:

My husband’s ex-wife has been breaking into his email for the past year. They have been divorced for 2 years. She just can’t stay out of our lives!

Well, here is why I am asking you. She works as a managing editor for a publishing company that produces a Catholic health care magazine. My husband is a physician with all this patient information in his email. We have proof she has been doing this and we have proof she has only done it from her work computer. Should her boss know she might be getting information improperly? Actually, it’s called federal wire tapping act, and breaking HIPAA violations, which could be thousands of dollars in fines for her company.

Why doesn’t your husband change the password on his email? If for some reason that won’t solve the problem (and I don’t know why it wouldn’t), he should set up a new email account. These are much cleaner and more effective solutions. You’re looking for drama when there doesn’t need to be any.

Your issue isn’t really that there’s patient information in your husband’s email account, and come on, you know that. Your issue is that she’s violating his privacy, period, regardless of where she’s doing it from or what she’s finding. Don’t engage; just change the email password or change the account if necessary, and move on.

a recruiter I met at career expo asked me on a date — what should I do?

This was originally posted in October 2009, but I’m reposting it today as part of our Valentine’s Day extravaganza. Plus, I have some different advice this time. The updated portion of my advice is in bold below.

A reader writes wrote:

A Big 5 recruiter I met at a career expo asked me out on a date.

We met at a career expo in New York. I was looking for a job and networking, he was there as a speaker. He approached me 3 times throughout the daylong conference, once to say hello, the next to say we should talk more, and then the third to tell me I was beautiful, that I made a memorable impression, and asked if he could take me out to lunch. I was caught way off guard, was in super networking mode and said “sure,” not wanting to say no because I didn’t want to eliminate the possibility of a business/networking meeting.

I’m feeling it was inappropriate and that he took advantage. Bottom line though is that he works at a Big 5 consulting firm and I need a job.

I’m not even sure what question to ask here because I have so many. I guess the most important would be:

1) How do I approach him via email to say that I would like to meet to discuss potential opportunities at his firm? Do I pretend as if he never asked me out? What if he brings it up? How do I address it?

Or should I be asking 2) Should I email him to meet and discuss professional opportunities?

or 3) I’m feeling it was highly inappropriate for him to be representing his company in such a way. Should I write the company a letter?

Disclaimer: It’s possible there’s more to this story than what’s here, but I can only answer it based on the details presented. But I have a feeling it’s going to be controversial.

In my opinion, from what you’ve said, it sounds like this guy wasn’t approaching you as a professional in a networking way, but rather was simply asking you out on a date — like any other guy who might approach you in the course of your day who you don’t work with. He just happened to meet you at a career expo.

He doesn’t seem to have mixed his messages at all, such as combining romantic interest with business overtures or insinuations of professional help. It sounds like he was pretty clearly making a social overture only.

Now, is a career expo the wisest place to do this? No, because most people there are in a business mindset — which, as your experience clearly demonstrates, can lead to confusion and crossed signals. He can think you clearly understand he’s asking you on a date, and you can think that because of the venue in which it occurred, there’s a networking possibility.

But aside from not choosing his venue very cautiously, the fact remains that this guy wasn’t approaching you for professional reasons and he didn’t pretend to be. Assuming that he approached you for a date and just a date — not a business meeting — you should handle him like you’d handle any other guy who approached you for a date. If you’re interested in getting to know him socially, go. If you’re not, decline.

You should not go out with him just in the hopes that you can spin his romantic interest into a professional opening for you, because that’s kind of gross and unfair. However, you could be straightforward with him about the nature of your interest — in other words, tell him candidly that you’re not interested in a date but that you’re really interested in his firm and would love to talk to him about business. (Of course, be aware that he may tell you he’s fine with that when he really just intends to try to persuade you to change the nature of your interest.) Update: How naive I was three years ago! This guy wants to date you, not network with you. If you say this and this allegedly all-business lunch happens, you’re likely to end up fending off attempts at flirtation anyway.

But without that conversation to get aligned on terms, you would be naive to accept his invitation in the hopes of keeping it strictly business, because that’s not the invitation he has extended you. If you want to try to network with him, you can invite him to do so. But the invitation he’s issued isn’t for networking. 

And no, you should not report him to his employer. Unless he was mixing business with a come-on, this is none of his employer’s business, and it doesn’t sound like he was. He’s not a coworker or your manager, he wasn’t interviewing you, he wasn’t approaching you about business, and it doesn’t sound like he exploited his job to influence you. He’s just a guy coming on to a woman, like a million other guys every day.

What do others think? I’m bracing for someone to say that because he was a speaker at a career expo, he was obligated to be in “all business” mode, but in my experience, those events often have a substantial social component to them.