how to respond to comments about weight in the office

A reader writes:

I’m the office manager at a small company. This morning, while letting important clients into the conference room for a meeting, one of them commented loudly and jovially on how much weight I’ve lost. He gave me a good solid look up and down and proclaimed how great I look. Then called over his colleague, also a client, to say “Look how much weight she’s lost! Doesn’t she look great?” To which client #2 agreed and asked me how I’d done it. I smiled, said “thank you” and something kind of non-committal like “oh, a little of this, a little of that,” then quickly asked if I could get anyone anything to drink. Our office is an open format with no real walls, so all of my coworkers and my boss heard the exchange.

It is true that I have lost a significant amount of weight in the last year, about 50 pounds. It is 100% related to a difficult healing process I’ve been engaged in around a history of sexual abuse. The weight loss is a good thing, I’m happy with it, and more importantly I am feeling much better all around than I was about a year ago. However, I have zero desire to have my weight commented on publicly and loudly in the office. It is embarrassing and triggering and it feels unsafe. I am frustrated with myself that even when I have responses to such situations prepared, I am never able to deliver them in the moment. Instead, I always say some kind of thank-you, the person thinks they paid me a compliment, and I walk away feeling distressed and powerless about the whole situation. Especially when the person is an important client.

I’ve read a post you wrote about being sensitive to the fact that not everyone in the office wants to have their weight loss commented on. I’m wondering if you have any suggestions for how to professionally and effectively shut down those sorts of comments when they are directed at you by people in positions of power without alienating or offending the commenter.

Ugh, I’m sorry.

I wish I did have suggestions about how to make it clear these types of comments are unwelcome, but when they’re coming from clients, I think that unfortunately your best bet is to simply say thank-you and quickly change the subject.

If these comments were coming from your coworkers and it happened more than once or twice, you could certainly say, “I appreciate your good wishes, but I’m actually uncomfortable talking about my weight,” and then repeat as necessary.

But with clients — well, it’s different. With clients, you generally want to accommodate them to a reasonable extent and avoid making them uncomfortable … with some obvious exceptions, of course, like if they were sexually harassing you. But with something like comments on weight loss, where in general society considers it an appropriate topic for conversation and so they’re not outside the norm of what’s typically considered okay, I think you probably have to let it go.

That said, if they continue to press the issue after you’ve tried to change the subject — for instance, asking you how you did it — it’s perfectly fine to nicely say, “Oh, weight loss is so boring, tell me how you’re doing.” (You wouldn’t want to tell them that their weight loss was boring if that’s what they were talking about, of course — but when it’s yours, it’s fine to shift the topic back to them.)

It does suck that society considers it acceptable to comment on other people’s bodies in this way without their permission. But since that is the norm, and since these are clients, I’d go with simply being polite and changing the subject as quickly as possible.

terse answer Thursday — 7 short answers to 7 short questions

It’s terse answer Thursday — seven short answers to seven short questions. Here we go…

1. Company took away our desk fans

I work in a high-stress call center, which is often warmer than I would prefer. I (along with many other employees) helped this problem with small desk fans. We were recently told that we had to take our fans home as it could be a liability in case the fan caused a power surge and shorted something out. I had the fan plugged into a surge protector but was told this was still unacceptable. Perhaps I should be sending this question to “ask an electrician,” but I am curious if you’ve ever heard of fans not being allowed in an office. As this is a phone sales job, I am finding myself increasingly irritated and uncomfortably warm. I’ve done everything to reason with management and have found them intractable. Do you have any suggestions how I might approach this? Do I have any grounds to fight this?

No legal grounds, but certainly on the grounds of common sense. You and your coworkers should talk to whoever in charge of this about the fact that people generally work better when they’re not uncomfortably hot, and ask what solutions can be found for the temperature problem. It doesn’t have to be fans — maybe it’s central air or some other solution. But make the case for it. You can’t force them to agree, but you can certainly try, and doing so as a group might help.

2. How should we launch an employee performance tracker?

My question is centered around the delivery of employee performance metrics. I work in a fairly new department, and we are about to roll out a performance tracker that gives front line employees feedback on their performance for the last couple months. We didn’t give our employees all the specifics on which data we would be tracking and how they can influence it (because we didn’t know what it would be at the time). We did give them a general overview of what their competencies would be.

My boss seems eager to get the information out ASAP, but it makes sense to me to deliver the specifics on what we will be measuring, give the staff time to perform, and then roll out their performance tracker and develop improvement plans. It doesn’t seem fair to me to give an employee specific feedback on metrics they were not previously informed would be tracked and monitored (although the metrics are for things that they should already understand are relevant to how their performance is assessed). My boss is saying this is just a benchmark, but I’m concerned about those employees who might get lower ratings and their perception of the information.

I think it’s fine either way. There’s certainly no harm in giving people a heads-up and then waiting before the first official reporting, but if these metrics are measuring things that they should already know they’re being assessed on more generally, then I also don’t see any problem in rolling it out immediately. If you were going to launch metrics on things no one had ever told them they needed to care about, that would unfair and demoralizing. But since it’s on stuff they should already be thinking about, I think it’s fine.

Read an update to this letter here.

3. I didn’t tell my staff that our new employee is deaf

I just hired a part-time person who is deaf. The person is able to do the job fine, but I am not sure what to do in regards to the rest of my department. Before the person started, I sent an email introducing them to everyone with a little background on the person, and I mentioned the university they went to, which is recognizable as one that caters to deaf people if you know that. I do this with all new hires.

I had decided not to mention the fact that they are deaf because I would not mention anything else that is not really relevant to the job (this is a job where you are in front of a computer mostly and pack/unpack things). But just in introducing them around in person, I noticed there were a few miscommunications (they didn’t get they were being asked a question, for example). Having interviewed and now trained them one on one, I think it’s just a question of making sure we are facing the new person when we talk and such small adjustments but I worry that if the rest of the team does not know she is deaf, they will just think the new person is slow or aloof, and it will create a negative atmosphere. On the other hand, I don’t want to draw attention to something that I don’t think should matter in an office. Do you have any suggestions on how best to handle this?

Please tell people, today. It’s not kind to allow people to think this employee is slow or unresponsive, when the problem could be so easily solved. I assure you that your employee doesn’t think being deaf is something to hide, and would probably appreciate having people know how to best communicate with her. In fact, she probably assumes people already know. Your instinct not to mention the deafness comes from a well-intentioned place, but the result is not helpful. Let your staff know that because Jane is deaf, they should make sure they face her when she talks, and any other adjustments they should make.

4. How should I respond to this email from a hiring manager?

I interviewed for a position last Friday and sent a thank-you card a few days later. Today I received an email from one of the hiring managers, thanking me for the card, telling me that they expect to make a decision in a few days, and thanking me for my patience. I’ve never received a thank-you email for a thank-you note. Should I respond or just wait to hear their decision?

It’s not really a thank-you for the thank-you; it’s an update on their timeline. No response is really needed, although there’s nothing wrong with responding with a quick “great, thanks for letting me know.”

5. Explaining a period of caring for a parent

I worked for 25 years in telecommunications. I was laid off in 2008 and since that time have been caring for my elderly parents. My dad passed away a few months ago, and my mother, although handicapped, is stable. I am ready to begin a “second phase of my life” job search. Is it acceptable to put on my resume the duties I performed caring for my parents? For example, managing their money, taking them to their doctor’s appointments, managing in home care, etc. I want to make sure that a potential employer knows that I have been very busy the past few years although I have not been collecting a paycheck.

I wouldn’t list it as a job on your resume (just like I wouldn’t list caring for your own kids on a resume), but you can certainly mention in your cover letter that you’ve been caring for a family member but are now ready to return to work.

6. Manager is making me move my computer monitor

Can a manager dictate as to how you place your monitor on you desk? I have mine directly in front of me because of a neck issue and now she says it needs to be of to the side to be patient friendly. She doesn’t sit in my place, and I think she has no business saying how it should be. I would appreciate your opinion.

Legally? Sure, unless your neck issue is covered under the ADA (although the bar is fairly high for something to qualify for a disability). Your best bet is to professionally and politely explain to the impact of having your monitor where she’d like it and offer to bring in documentation of your neck issue from your doctor if she’d like it. (Doctor’s notes don’t obligate an employer to act on this type of thing, but some employers are responsive to them.) But to get the best outcome here, you need to approach this in a professional problem-solving type of way, not in a “you have no business saying how it should be” kind of way.

7. Can I just write “see resume” in online application systems?

I have been applying to university jobs, which require both a resume and cover letter and the submission of an online application. These online applications ask you to input all of the information that is on your resume, including job duties. I’ve been putting “see attached resume,” but wonder if I should be inputting something else? Should I copy and paste the bullets from my resume or provide a synopsis of my job duties in sentence form?

Ack, stop that! Yes, if they ask you to input information from your resume, you need to actually put it in, not just write “see resume.” There’s a reason they’re asking for it — it either gets stored in their system that way and/or they prefer to read it within the system that way, or whatever — but if you don’t follow their instructions, your application may not ever even be viewed. It’s a pain in the ass, but if you want to apply to jobs that way, that’s what it requires.

I’d recommend having a plain text version of your resume that you can easily copy and paste from. Bullets are fine (but use asterisks rather than actual bullets, because special characters often don’t translate well in these systems).

company wants me to relocate … to Alaska!

A reader writes:

I work as a consultant for a firm in Southern California and my main client is based in Alaska. I’ve been at this job for just about a year and recently had some issues with my salary (the firm lost some big clients and couldn’t afford to give me a raise). My client is our firm’s biggest source of revenue and now they have asked my boss if they could relocate me to Alaska. I know my boss is concerned about losing more accounts, so he’s really pressuring me (and making me quite uncomfortable, if I might add) to consider the move, but he has not offered me more money or any kind of deal.

He has been rather vague about how long it would be for, but when he saw my hesitation he said, “Well, if I were you, I would jump at the chance to live in Alaska for a year.” Also, considering I would be relocating to support my client, not my actual firm, I’m going to assume it’s for as long as the client continues to require our services, which in my client’s business — natural gas pipelines — could be a few months or a few decades.

I was wondering if there is some kind of standard deal when relocating someone or if it’s something I’m supposed to negotiate. If so, is it my firm or my client that I’m supposed to negotiate this with? Also, I’m unmarried, but in a relationship. Is it reasonable to request that my boyfriend be allowed to come with me and either be given a job or have the company pay joint expenses?

Well, first, do not be pressured into doing this if you don’t want to! Relocating is a pretty big deal generally, but relocating to Alaska is a really big deal. You’ll be far away from friends and family, and Alaska — from what I understand — is pretty damn different from southern California. Do you want to do this? Because you certainly don’t have to, and your letter sounds like you don’t feel you have much of a choice.

It would be entirely reasonable for you to say, “Sorry, but I’ve thought about it and moving to Alaska isn’t an option for me.” In fact, I’m pretty sure that that’s what most people in your shoes would do (with the exception of an adventurous few). Now, it’s certainly possible that your boss could make moving a condition of your job (unlikely, but not impossible), and it’s also possible that if the firm loses the client over this, that could result in you losing your job, so you want to be prepared for both of those possibilities — but I can’t get behind anyone moving to Alaska because they feel forced into it. (And frankly, your job could be in jeopardy anyway, if the firm is losing big clients.)

However, if you do want to go — and only if you actually do, not just because you feel pressured into it — you should absolutely negotiate more money in order to go. You’d be uprooting your life after all, and moving to a very, very different place, one that you presumably wouldn’t have chosen on your own. It’s reasonable to expect compensation for that. (No slam intended against Alaska here — just acknowledging that it’s not like moving to, say, Seattle.) As for your boyfriend, there are some industries that pay for spouses or spouse equivalents to relocate along with an employee, although I don’t know if you’re in one. Spouses aren’t generally given jobs (again, with a few exceptions, like academia) although, hell, if that’s one of your conditions, say so. You should also insist on a clear timeline for return. And get this all in writing.

Of course, making all of these things conditions for being willing to move could be useful in getting your boss to drop the plan, so if you’re willing to go but not super invested in it, laying all these out as conditions could be interesting. (And you’d negotiate this with your boss, since he’s the one who employs you, not the client.)

But really, this is not something you should do simply because you feel you have to.

Read an update to this letter here.

when should salary be discussed in a hiring process? (part 2)

In a comment on today’s post about talking about salary during the interview process, one commenter asked:

In an ideal world, when would the salary discussion happen?

In an ideal world, employers would post salaries in their job ads, so that you’d know before applying if the job was in your range or not.

In practice, what actually happens is usually one of these:

  • The salary is posted in the ad. This is common in some industries, but extremely uncommon in others. Overall, this is more uncommon than common.
  • You’re asked in the phone screen or interview what your salary expectations are. Often this is not accompanied by any information about what the employer expects to pay, but sometimes it is, or sometimes you’ll get a response like “that’s within our range.”
  • The employer brings it up late in the process — at a second or third interview — often saying something like, “So, what are you looking for in terms of salary?”
  • You don’t hear a word about salary until you receive an offer. Offers nearly always include a specific salary offer … although weirdly, occasionally you’ll get an employer who still doesn’t mention it, forcing you to say, “What salary are you offering?”
  • You bring it up at some point in the process yourself, potentially shocking the very souls of interviewers who believe that you should be pretending to have no interest in money.

Once you’re at the negotiation stage (which should only happen once you get an offer), here’s some advice on what to say when you negotiate. (Read the comments on that post too, because there’s a lot more advice in there.)

And here’s some advice on how to figure out what salary to ask for or expect in the first place.

By the way, while we’re on the topic:  Employers who play coy on salary — including employers who do pay competitive salaries — will often tell you that it’s because everyone assumes they should be at the top of the pay scale and then they get upset or disappointed when that’s not where their offer is. In other words, if you advertise that a job pays $50,000-65,000, candidates end up thinking, “great, low to mid 60s, that’ll work for me.” And then if you offer them $52,000 because that’s where their experience puts them in your range, they’re disappointed and feel like they’re being undercut because, after all, they know you’re willing to pay up to $65,000. A good employer will be able to explain how the scale works and why the person fits into it where they do, in a way that the candidate finds convincing, but not everyone is reasonable — an awful lot of people, knowing that you’d pay $65,000 for someone, think you should pay it to them, even though they would have be happy with $52,000 if they’d never heard about the $65,000.

The reverse of that is also true: If an employer lists a range, then they risk losing the guy who won’t consider anything below $75,000 and who’s good enough that you’d gladly pay him $75,000, even though you wouldn’t normally pay it to most candidates and thus don’t want to put it in the ad.

Of course, the answer to this isn’t to play silly games where you refuse to give candidates any information at all, even after they’ve applied and you can see from their application where they’d fall in your range … but that’s what ends up happening a lot of the time anyway.

While we’re at it, here’s some more advice on other aspects of salary negotiations:

how to handle requests for salary history
can I ask about salary range before accepting an interview?
5 myths about negotiating salary
10 salary negotiating mistakes to avoid
how to increase your pay when changing jobs
bad career advice and salary negotiation 

how can I help my unhappy boss?

A reader writes:

I work in a restaurant. I’ve been there for years and am half front of house staff, and half supervisor (which is like a mini-manager), and I have a really great relationship with one of my managers, who has been at this location almost as long as I have but with the company for many more. Between years spent working together and my status as a supervisor, she trusts me with a lot of information and behaviors that a manager normally wouldn’t share with an hourly.

Recently I’ve become concerned about her behavior/attitude at work, and I’m wondering if it’d be appropriate for me to say something to her about it. She’s very unhappy with the general manager and is actively searching for new employment, and I think she’s mentally checked out and it’s starting to show, at least to me. It’s not been uncommon for a closing manager and the remaining staff to grab a drink once or twice a month at our closed bar and just write it off as “spillage,” but she’s been honoring this occasional tradition alarmingly often. Examples being: pouring a little Bailey’s in her coffee every single night after we’ve closed, giving free drinks to her boyfriend who comes in once or twice a week, offering me the opportunity to have a drink myself every single night. I think she only does this around myself, and maybe one other hourly who has a similar relationship with her. I don’t think she does this with my other coworkers.

I’m worried that she’s gotten careless and apathetic, and that it’s going to cost her her job if her boss finds out. I like my manager very much, and don’t want to see things end up badly for her, but I don’t know if I should say anything about my concerns, or if I should, how I should approach it.

If you’re close enough to her that you feel comfortable with this, you could say something like, “I’m worried about you. I know that you’re unhappy here and not getting along with Bob, but I’m worried that you’re putting yourself in jeopardy by letting it show, and especially with using the bar more than before. I don’t want you to get in trouble, and I’m worrying that you might. Is there anything I can do to help?”

But aside from letting her know that her behavior has changed and that you’re worried about her, I’m not sure there’s much you can do. It’s kind to give someone a heads-up when their disgruntlement is showing in ways that might harm them, and it’s kind to express concern about her well-being … but from there, it’s really up to her.

(I’ll also add that if she’s the type of person to penalize you for saying this, then unfortunately you’re probably better off not speaking up.)

And don’t take her up on those offers for nightly drinks.

dumb interviewing convention #45: you will sin against God if you ask what a job pays

Here’s something I have a problem with: the idea that it’s somehow wrong for a candidate to ask about salary in a first interview.

This BS idea is all over the place:

Asking about salary and benefits in the first interview “always turns me off. I’m always disappointed when they ask this, especially in the first interview.” — Norma Beasant, founder of Talento Human Resources Consulting and an HR consultant at the University of Minnesota

If you ask about salary in the first interview, “it makes you look as though you’re applying for the job because of the money. That [can] seem too mercenary.” — Ray Brizendine, the director of a national executive recruiting firm

“Never ask about salary and benefits. Don’t ask any questions related to your needs.” — Louise Garver, executive coach

You, job seekers, are apparently all seeking jobs out of the kindness of your hearts, out of a desire to be industrious and assist companies in their pursuits. You are certainly not interested in what kind of compensation you will receive for your work.

This is ridiculous.

I absolutely agree that you don’t want initial conversations with an employer to be all about what they can do for you, putting all your focus on benefit details and so forth. You want the focus to be on what you will do together — the work you’ll be achieving. But to pretend that salary is some kind of minor side issue, something that is only appropriate to discuss at the end, only once you’ve determined everything else is right — come on.

Salary is one of the few factors that can trump everything else and make the rest of the discussion irrelevant — it doesn’t matter how interesting the work and how right your fit for it if the job pays 30% under market. It’s entirely reasonable to discuss it early on.

Penalizing job seekers for inquiring about something so central to why they’d take the job in the first place betrays a serious lack of common sense, as well as something disgustingly arrogant  — as if job seekers should simply be grateful to have been granted an audience with an employer and shouldn’t jeopardize that by anything so vulgar as acknowledging that they’ll be working for money.

what to think about before you quit your job

If you’re like most people, you have days where you fantasize about quitting your job — getting away from your boss and your coworkers, and maybe even the work itself. But while there absolutely are times when quitting is a good idea — when your boss asks you to do something illegal or unsafe, for instance, or when you’ve been offered a fantastic opportunity somewhere else — most of the time it’s smart to proceed with caution and think through all the consequences before you decide to leave.

Here are seven things to think through before you deliver your resignation.

* The job market is really bad right now. It’s not unusual for a job search to take a year or more these days. And even if your finances allow you to go without work for that long, simply being unemployed, especially for that amount of time, may make it harder to find your next job, because employers tend to prefer to hire people who are already employed.

* Future employers will want to know why you left. You can count on future interviewers asking why you moved on from this job. It’s best if you can explain that you left after a solid stay for a better opportunity – not that you hated your boss or your coworkers drove you crazy, or that you were so bored that you quit with nothing else lined up.

* You won’t qualify for unemployment. In most states, you won’t qualify for unemployment benefits if you resign, only if you’re fired or laid off. If you’re leaving for another job, this won’t matter – but if you’re quitting with nothing lined up, you may find yourself without a financial safety net. Speaking of which…

* You have bills to pay. And even if you have savings, they might not last as long as you need them to. What if your job search takes a year or more? Will you be able to survive that long? Will you have any savings left over at the end of it?

* You won’t actually “show them” anything. People often think that quitting will prove something to their boss – like showing how essential they were to the business, or showing that they have options. But it rarely works out this way: While your employer might be surprised at first, they’ll quickly move on without too much hardship. The decision to quit your job should be made because it’s the right decision for you, not to prove anything to someone else.

* If you haven’t been at your job very long, you risk looking like a job hopper. A stay of less than a year will cause most prospective future employers to ask about what went wrong. And while employers will generally excuse a single short-term stay, if you start to have a pattern of them, the most desirable employers will lose interest in hiring you. If your resume makes you look like a job hopper, smart hiring managers will wonder whether you get bored too easily or can’t hold down a job, and they’ll wonder if they’ll be next on your short-term list.

* There are frustrations at every job. People sometimes quit a job because they don’t like their coworkers or manager or the way their office does something – only to find that their next job has the same problems, or even worse ones. Some aggravations are likely at any workplace, so you want to make sure that you’re being realistic about what you’re likely to find at other companies.

I originally published this at U.S. News & World Report.

wee answer Wednesday — 7 short answers to 7 short questions

It’s wee answer Wednesday — seven short answers to seven short questions. Here we go…

1. Did I schedule this interview for too far out?

I just had a second-round interview with a place I’d love to work. I interviewed with one of the hiring managers (first round was a phone interview). She said she wanted to bring me in for another interview to meet with the VP and another hiring manager. I ended up scheduling two weeks out because of schedules and difficulty in taking time off. They would have told me if this is a problem, correct? Should I go back to them and say I can do it earlier? Will they think I’m uninterested?

If they were willing to let you schedule for two weeks out and didn’t sound put out by it, I wouldn’t worry about it. Employers generally have no problem saying, “We’re wrapping up interviews by January 20” or whatever if that’s the case.

That said, in the future, if you can make it work earlier, I tend to think it’s a good idea to — you never know if another candidate might come along and wow them in the meantime. (And now I’ve sent a bunch of people into paroxysms of anxiety. Sorry!)

2. Employers hesitating because I look young

Much like your 30-year-old who had to deal with patronizing comments yesterday, I am 30 but look very young for my age. I have been working for a local government for about 6 years and have hit the ceiling in terms of my current position. Because of this, I have been seeking out higher-level jobs with other cities. I interviewed at two places, but in the after-interview discussions with HR, they both said they weren’t sure how the public would respond to “such a young person in a public role.”

I am qualified for the roles, at least according to their position profiles. The ones I apply for state they want “3-5 years of experience” and I have 6-1/2. I do not apply for ones that mention “X years supervising others” or “X years in an executive role,” etc.

Any advice other than to keep looking? Hearing the same thing twice is really discouraging.

It’s certainly true that if you’re baby-faced, you might have a higher bar to meet when it comes to public positions where the public is more comfortable seeing someone “seasoned” or with gravitas. That’s true in a number of positions that involve acting as a public spokesperson, representing the company on the news, etc. The employer may not want to deal with the public not taking a very young-looking representative seriously. (And for anyone wondering, age discrimination laws don’t kick in until age 40.)

Ideally, this would motivate you to show them why you’d be so good at the job that this won’t matter … but yeah, it’s frustrating.

3. My husband, his lover, and I all work for the same company

I’ve been working for the same company (a public networking company) for 15 years and so does my husband. I am an engineer and he started as an engineer too and over the years he escalate and now he is VP RND. He started having an affair with the HR manager (she started working for the company around 3 years ago). I have all the proof, emails, even voice recordings about their affair. We have 2 children. She is also married with children. We are separating in a couple of weeks. Do I have any case to sue them/fire them/damage their careers? I’m really hurt.

Trying to get revenge in situations like this is an understandable impulse, but rarely one that it’s healthy to act on. I’d focus on moving on and making sure your children are as protected as possible from any fall-out. I’m sorry this is happening to you.

4. Asking about the chances to turn an internship into a full-time job

How does one go about asking, during the interview, if an (unpaid) full-time internship opportunity can lead to something full-time/paid/benefits, without seeming ungrateful for the opportunity? And if it includes expenses (daily food and transport allowance)? They vaguely mentioned it in one internship posting, but not in the one I applied to.

You can certainly ask whether previous interns have gone on to be hired by the company, but be careful not to imply that you’ll be disappointed if that doesn’t happen to you. If if they do have a good track record of hiring interns once their internships are over, they don’t know yet whether you’ll be one of them, and they’ll be wary of saying anything you might take as a promise. (And a lot of people hear “we do sometimes hire interns for full-time positions” as “we’ll probably hire you for a full-time position later on” — and once an interviewer has been burned by this, they tend to get very cautious.)

About expenses, you can say, “I know the position is unpaid. Do you offer any type of stipend to help with expenses?”

5. Mentioning that I previously applied for a job with the same organization

I applied for a job at a nonprofit back in the middle of December, and never heard anything back from them (probably because I was a bit late in applying, because I came across it weeks after it was posted). They’ve just posted another position that I would like to apply for. I don’t think they have an HR department (too small an organization), and the posting provides a specific email address and who to send it to. It’s a different person than the first job I applied for.

Should I be mentioning in my cover letter that I applied for a position a month ago, or just apply again without bringing it up? Is that something they would even notice/remember since I’m sure they look over a bunch of resumes and cover letters?

There’s no reason to mention that you applied previously; it doesn’t really impact your candidacy in any way. But I suppose if you want to show a continued interest in this organization in particular, you could say something like, “I was excited to see the X position last month because I’d love to work with ABC Organization, but I’m even more excited to see the Y position now, because ____.”

6. Explaining the impact of ADHD and depression on my job history

I’m 26 and I was recently diagnosed with severe ADHD and depression, which was a huge relief, since it explains a lot of my problems at previous jobs. I was very scattered, unproductive, easily distracted, and consistently late, which led to many poor performance reviews, and I was even fired from a couple of jobs for my poor performance and tardiness. I also had trouble staying at a job for more than a few months even if I didn’t get fired, because I became bored and distracted thinking of greener pastures. Now that I’ve been diagnosed and treated with therapy and medication (which is a continuing process, obviously), I’m a completely different person. I’ve become very reliable and I’m capable of working hard and doing a great job, consistently. I’ve been taking a break from my field for the past year and doing an entry-level retail job part time while I’ve been dealing with these issues, but I feel like I’m ready to go back to my field now. How should I explain my awful resume to prospective employers? Should I disclose my mental health issues?

Say that you were dealing with health issues in the past that made it difficult to fully focus on work, but that that has now been fully resolved. Kudos on solving it!

7. How do people find time for things outside of work?

I am wondering how everyone deals with work/life balance. I struggle with hypothyroidism, which, even though its controlled, still leaves me exhausted most of the time. I work hard at my job and do well at it but find it difficult to do much else. I am set to get married later on this year and desperately need to lose weight and need to get to the gym but feel like I have no time for it. I work your regular “9 to 5” job, don’t have dependents other than my fiance, have one extracurricular of playing in a community orchestra, and that’s it. I am not an early riser so morning workouts sound as appealing as tar, and I am always exhausted and want food when I get home from work, and then I feel like I can’t work out with a full stomach, and then it ends up being late and time to go to bed. I can’t go during lunch because that means buying a gym membership (I can’t justify when we a have a nice free gym in my apartment building, 50 minutes from my work) so what do I do? Would love your suggestions. And also a note, I have no idea how working mothers do it. None. It makes me scared to have kids.

I don’t know either. I have a high need for long periods of downtime, where I do nothing productive at all, so I’m confused by people who fill up every minute with activity. Readers?

can I ask for a raise when I haven’t been doing a great job?

A reader writes:

I’ve been at my current job for almost a year now with a gross salary of (redacted at letter-writer’s request, but close to national average). I also started grad school 2 months after employment, so I haven’t been the strongest performer at work and my relationship with my boss is tense. At the same time, I like the job and I really really try to do a good job, except that the company itself is a small business and there is no HR policy about anything whatsoever. To cut it short, I’ve asked for an evaluation from my boss and he said yes. I fear his feedback would be negative, but I plan to learn from it.

In case his feedback isn’t great and I improve on the areas he tells me, how soon after this evaluation is it a good idea to ask for a raise? The main reason is that our taxes were increased, so my paycheck was cut by another $200/month. It just seems unfair after a year of employment and lot of hard work, to start making less, not more! What do you think?

Also, we have an informal policy to go to lunch all together (there are only 10 people in the office) every Friday. It’s not mandatory but at the same time… it is. You can’t really make excuses all the time not to join the group. So, there is a fixed expense of $40 – $50 a month for these lunches. This is not compensated by the company. Now I’ll be making less each month with this new tax increase. Should I raise this at my evaluation meeting with my boss, and ask the company to cover this lunch expense for me? I’m really annoyed by it, I don’t want to have to pay for it every week and now be making less money. What would you advise?

If you’re not performing very well and you get a relatively critical evaluation, you really shouldn’t be asking for a raise any time soon. Raises are recognition that you’ve been contributing at a higher level than when your salary was last set. A weak evaluation means that you’re not meeting expectations at your current level. That’s a serious thing — that has to be fixed and your performance brought up to the bar set by your manager before your job can feel secure at your current salary. From there, you’d need to perform at a higher bar than that — over a sustained period of time — before you could reasonably ask for a raise. You’re looking at something around a year of high-level performance before you could credibly ask to have your salary increased.

You say that you know that you haven’t been a strong performer and you have a bad relationship with your boss. Those are not the conditions that lead to raises. You have to earn a raise through your performance, so that’s where your focus should be this year. Revisit this in 12 months.

As for asking the company to cover the cost of your weekly lunches with coworkers, no, don’t do that. They’re not going to cover it for you without covering it for everyone, and if you ask, you’ll come acrosss if you don’t understand business norms and possibly as if you have an inappropriate sense of what you’re entitled to from your employer. However, if you don’t want to spend the money on these lunches, why not suggest less expensive alternatives to your coworkers — either going less frequently, or bringing food from home, or not holding it against people if they opt out?

Regarding the taxes … Don’t raise this as a negotiation tactic. The amount your company pays you for your work should be based on the market value of the work you do, not your tax situation, and the amount you pay in taxes is between you and the government. I’m assuming that you wouldn’t have been okay with your employer lowering your pay when taxes were cut in the early 2000s, right? Similarly, you can’t expect your employer to raise your pay now that taxes are going in the other direction.

Ultimately, what I’m hearing in your letter is a bit of a disconnect between what you want and the reality of the situation you’re in. You’re probably not in a position to be making any financial requests of your employer. When you’re not performing well, you don’t have any leverage to ask for more money. If you want more money, you need to first earn it.

Right now, it sounds like your focus needs to be on proving to your manager that you should have the job, to say nothing of more money.

night owl with new early bird work schedule

A reader writes:

I am most decidedly NOT a morning person. I’ve been a night owl since I was a kid. I actually chose my field as an undergraduate (a branch of the biological sciences) based on the fact that labs quite often run non-standard hours. In fact, for the overwhelming majority of my career so far, being a night owl has been incredibly helpful…I’m often willing to run experiments later in the day than another labmate, meaning that both of us can use the same equipment and therefore more work can get done, making the most out of limited resources.

However, now I’m in a new lab, and I’ve come to discover that everyone here is a morning person, and now I am expected to be, too. I was very honest and clear when I interviewed about my preference for later hours (I usually feel physically ill when getting up in the early morning), and during the interview process I was assured that wasn’t a problem. Unfortunately now that I’m here, it is.

I did mention it to my manager and got a non-answer like, “Well, I guess I remember you saying that, but it is what it is” … meaning that the experiments had already been set for happening in the early morning, no one else had a problem with it, and that it was now up to me to comply. And all of the interview assurances were verbal, I already went back and checked all communications from the interview process.

I’m trying to make the most out of this situation, since this is a new job and I’d like to stay in the good graces of my supervisors. I am experiencing a lot of anxiety about trying to become an early riser. Because of the anxiety, I’m going to bed so early that I miss out on having a life after the work day is complete, because I’m tossing, turning and worrying about that early morning alarm clock going off. I’m sure people in other fields can struggle with this, too, as well as recent graduates just getting used to a new professional job. Do you have any tips, tricks or advice for a night owl trying to fly with the early birds?

I do realize that this type of question will likely get a lot of “suck it up buttercup” from the commenters. Believe me, I’m trying! I desperately wish mornings came easily for me.

Ooooh, I sympathize. I’m a huge night owl — last night I was up reading until past 3 a.m. for no reason at all other than that that’s the schedule my body puts itself on when left to its own devices. And then someone called and woke me up at 9 a.m. and I am Quite Annoyed.

So know up-front that that’s my bias, but I really think that what they did here is BS. Whether or not someone thinks that your schedule preferences are frivolous (and some people will), the fact is that you were clear about your preference and you were told they could accommodate it. It’s really not that different than being told during the interview process that you can work from home two days a week and then finding out when you start that ha ha, they were just kidding, or having anything else that you agree to before accepting a job suddenly yanked away.

And yes, of course you should get those things in writing because it often makes it easier to resolve when there are problems with it later on, but that doesn’t make it any less frustrating and unfair that they handled things like this.

All of which is to say that if you wanted to, I think you’d be justified in looking at other jobs over this, even though you haven’t been there that long. This isn’t a perfect solution, because if you do change jobs over this anytime soon, you’ll be stuck with having to explain why your stay there was so short-term. And while it’s completely legitimate to change jobs because the terms of employment were misrepresented to you, that’s still a pain in the ass and something better avoided. Plus, people like to judge people who don’t like rising early. (But I judge them right back for missing out on the delights of the 1 a.m. cup of tea and Downton Abbey rerun.)

As for what you can do in order to make the early morning hours less painful … I’m hoping readers will chime in with suggestions on this, because it is not my forte. However, one thing I can tell you is that most habits become ingrained after about 30 days. So if you can be disciplined about it for a month, it’ll probably be a lot easier after that. Readers, what else can you suggest?