I’m not dating a student where I teach, but people think I am

by Alison Green on December 12, 2012

A reader writes:

I’m worried that the college where I teach as an adjunct thinks I’m dating a student, who in reality is my sister.

When the department coordinator hired me three semesters ago, I informed him that my sister, nine years my junior, is a student at the college, and I promised she would never enroll in my classes. He was not in the least concerned and proceeded to explain my duties, etc. For the entire first semester, I heard nothing about it, and then at the start of my next semester, my department chair (different from the coordinator who hired me) called me into his office under the pretense of wanting to review my class assignments. He barely glanced at my assignment descriptions and instead launched right into, “Now I really hate to ask you this, but is it true that you are dating one of our students?” Yikes! My mind reeled wondering what on earth he was talking about (I have a girlfriend, but she’s a grad student at another college) and it took me a couple of seconds to realize that he must be thinking about my sister. I supposed that folks must have seen me meeting her for lunch and getting into the same car with her, and assumed the worst. As soon as I explained that, a look of relief came over his entire body, he apologized a thousand times, and repeated what the coordinator originally told me about it being no problem.

So for the second time, I thought I was finished with the entire issue, but something happened at the end of this current semester that got me worried all over again about the misperception and confusion the connection to my sister is causing on campus, and what that might mean for me professionally.

During the last class session of the semester, I walked into my class as two of my students were discussing who the girl might be whom they saw me giving money to earlier in the semester. One of them suggested that she might be my girlfriend, but before they could continue to speculate, I loudly interjected with an “Excuse me, but you are talking about my sister.” It then occurred to me that I might never be rid of this gossip and I’m worried about it potentially getting around to others who might be in a position to help or hurt me professionally.

Things at this college are in a constant state of flux, with new department chairs coming and going, and I am also interested in applying to jobs in different departments at the college, such as the Writing Center or Testing Center. What if the folks in those departments, whom I barely know, have heard rumors about my dating a student and their decisions about placing me are colored by those perceptions? What if a new department chair or adjunct coordinator comes in and hears from a new batch of students that I’ve been seen slipping cash to a female student?

Short of grabbing a bullhorn and announcing to the campus that the girl in question is my sister who has never taken one of my classes, what can I do to preemptively combat these rumors, considering that I thought I had already spread the nature of our relationship far and wide? Also, do you think I’m being overly paranoid about this? Should I just let it go unless something else happens?

I don’t think you’re being overly paranoid about it since you’ve already encountered potentially damaging misperceptions about it twice. I too would be worried that people are assuming it in cases that you’re not hearing about and thus aren’t getting the chance to correct. (Whether or not they should be jumping to those conclusions is a different question — the reality is that they are.)

At a minimum, I would address it proactively with anyone new in your department, any new adjunct coordinator, and anyone else whose opinion is particularly important to your work there. I’d just say something like, “By the way, I want to let you know that my sister is a student here. I’ve ensured that she’ll never be in my classes, but I wanted to let you know because someone previously didn’t realize the relationship and worried I was dating a student, which was obviously alarming for all of us!”

Frankly, if appropriate, you might also mention it to your classes at the start of each semester, which I think you could do in a joking way that would still get the point across.

Of course, then you’re still going to have the problem of students and faculty who don’t know you — and thus aren’t included in the informed groups above — seeing you with your sister and jumping to the wrong conclusion. Because of that, one additional option is for you and your sister to cut down on your interaction while you’re on campus — stop having lunch together, exchanging money, etc. That’s an extreme option, but you could argue that it’s no different than spouses who basically ignore the other if they work together, in order to keep things professional. I’m not sure it’s a reasonable option, but it’s worth considering if it’s not a huge hardship (if, for instance, you don’t live together and thus carpool together every day or whatever).

On the other hand, just writing that last paragraph annoyed me and made me feel gross, because you shouldn’t have to do that.

But the reality is that most colleges take inappropriate professor/student relationships really seriously, and this situation has the potential to affect you without you even knowing about it, which means that you probably do have to engage in some degree of annoying work to ward it off.

Anyone have a different take?

Read an update to this letter here.

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how far back can you reasonably push an interview request?

by Alison Green on December 12, 2012

A reader writes:

I have a question about being reasonable when it comes to scheduling an interview, when you are currently employed. I applied for a job today, and then immediately was asked to come in and interview. Unfortunately, I assumed that I would a) never hear from the company b) hear from them in about six months, because that is the way of job boards. I am definitely in the job market and would love to take this position, but because it is year end I cannot take a day off to interview.

Is it reasonable to schedule an interview 3 weeks out or does that make me look like I’m not interested? I already gave them a few dates, but again I can only come in for the interview at times like 8:00 AM or 3:30 PM. Would it be easier to send a follow-up note explaining that I do not want to inconvenience everyone, and the first week of January is best?

Asking to schedule an interview for three weeks away is often going to come across as unrealistic or naive. Most places have a specific week or two weeks set aside for interviewing and often don’t have the flexibility of waiting three weeks past that. They may even be planning to make the hire before the end of the year.

Of course, that might not be the case and they might have more flexibility, but you don’t want to sound like you’re assuming that they do (since it would be an odd assumption, especially since they contacted you so quickly).

If you can do it, your best bet is to try to schedule the interview for first thing in the morning or the late in the day, so that you’re not taking off a full day. But if that turns out not to fit with either of your schedules, then I think you could say something like, “I apologize; I hadn’t expected to hear back from you so quickly, and it’s hard for me to get away from work over the next few weeks because of year-end projects. I’d love to schedule a meeting for the week of X, but I realize that might be well past your timeline.”

Be prepared, though, to hear that they can’t wait that long, and potentially even for them to simply move on with other candidates without even getting back to you (which would be incredibly rude, but not unheard of).

So you may have to decide if you’re willing to lose the interview or not.

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I cried in an interview — and later accepted the job

by Alison Green on December 12, 2012

A reader writes:

First, I just want to say that I love Ask a Manager! I’m in the process of transitioning to a new job, and your advice has been invaluable. I managed to negotiate a signing bonus at my new job, and I turned down my current job’s counter-offer while still maintaining good terms with my current employer, so I count both of those as wins!

My interview at my new company ended on a very awkward note. I’m a tech professional, so I had a series of interviews with the team I would be working with and my prospective boss, “Jane.” Everything was going well until my final interview, which was with the VP of R&D (Jane’s boss). He apparently did not like my style, because he said that I was coming across as “obnoxious,” that the worst thing to do in job interviews was to annoy the interviewer, and that he was “just telling me this because [I am] early in my career.” (I’m a couple years out of college and in an intermediate level technical position; he has 10-15 more years of experience than I do.) I was horrified and started to cry — I’ve never been more embarrassed — and was flustered and could barely think for the rest of the interview. As he was showing me out of the building, he said, “This is why we have you meet with several people. If Jane really likes you, you could still get the job.”

Jane called me as I was walking back to my car, saying that the team loved me, the VP was apologetic, and they hoped I would still take the job. To make a long story short, I accepted the offer, and I will be starting in my new position in a few weeks.

Do you have any tips on dealing with the VP once I start? While I think he was out of line, I’d like to be on good terms with him in order to do what’s best for my career (and now that I know what to expect, I can take a bit of unwanted career advice if putting up with it will help me advance). I talked to a friend who does HR consulting, and she suggested that I go ask him what behaviors particularly bothered him in the interview in order to show him that I took his feedback seriously and I was committed to improving. The thing is, I know what caused him to say that: I argued with him about whether my answer to a technical question was correct. So I’m stumped — should I go ask him what he would recommend doing in that situation instead? Should I talk to him about something else? Should I just leave him alone unless he approaches me? As a manager, what would give you the best impression of a new employee under these circumstances?

I think you have two options:

1. Ignore it. Pretend it never happened, and start your relationship with him fresh. Show him that you’re professional and can take feedback just by … being professional and taking feedback well.

2. Stop by his office sometime soon after you start and say something like, “Hey, thanks so much for being candid with me in my interview — I’m sorry I didn’t show it at the time, but I appreciated it.” Don’t say this as the lead-in to a big conversation about it; this is the conversation in its entirety. Say it, wait for his response, be gracious, done, move on. However, you should only do this if you can pull off the right tone: cheerful and upbeat, not embarrassed, upset, or emotional. If there’s any risk you’ll flub the tone in the moment — or that you’ll lose that tone if his response takes you by surprise in any way — then I wouldn’t use this option.

I don’t really like your friend’s suggestion of having a big conversation with him about it — you already know what bothered him (you argued with him over a technical question), and I don’t think you get much out of asking what he would have rather you done instead. In fact, asking that risks seeming either a bit obsequious or a bit dense (since he’s likely to think he made it clear what you should have done instead). I’d stick with #1 or #2 above.

By the way, as for his overall point, it’s worth thinking independently about whether it was a valid one or not. It might mean nothing more than “this particular guy doesn’t like the way you responded when you saw a technical question differently,” and his preferences might not have much value for how you approach similar situations with other people. On the other hand, though, it’s also possible that he was giving you valuable feedback that would be useful when you’re dealing with other people too. I don’t know exactly what you said in the interview or how you said it, but in general there’s an art to pushing back diplomatically, and it might be worth looking at how you do that in situations more generally. (At the same time, though, do keep in mind the possibility that his reaction was more about him than about you, and don’t over-correct if that’s the case. In fact, you might even want to talk to your new boss about what happened at some point, and tell her that you’d love her guidance about how to handle those situations well. You might hear, “Oh, that’s just Bob, he’s a jerk,” or you might hear that there are things you could benefit by doing differently. It’s worth asking at some point.)

In any case, I wouldn’t worry about this too much. You got the job, and you even negotiated a signing bonus. Those are both good things, and signs that no one was terribly troubled by what happened in the interview. Congratulations on the new job, and good luck!

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update from the reader who wanted to borrow the CEO’s assistant

by Alison Green on December 12, 2012

Remember the letter-writer who wanted to ask the CEO if he could “borrow” the CEO’s assistant to work on his own projects? Here’s his update.

I got a lot of solid, honest advice that I needed to hear. I apologized to the CEO’s assistant, as suggested, for overstepping my boundaries by assuming she was able and allowed to assist me and for generally making a fool of myself. She seemed very understanding about it. Later on in the week, the CEO pulled me aside for a “little catch up” where he mentioned that his assistant has casually talked to him about me asking for help. He basically stated that his assistant was off limits, and that if I absolutely needed help with something I could come to him and he would assign me someone temporarily to help if he thought the situation warranted it. I apologized profusely, and he accepted that. He told me that he appreciated my drive and motivation and thought with some time I could be an extremely valued member of the team if I really worked on it. I appreciated the criticism and asked him about him being my mentor. He graciously declined but did introduce me to a senior member of the executive staff who has been really great at helping me get acclimated to the environment and generally being a great mentor.

I think my actions actually were a direct cause in me being taken out of the running for the head of the department when the company chose to consolidate the three different graphic design departments into one large department about a month ago. It was completely a situation of my own making and a mistake I will definitely not repeat.

Luckily, everyone gave me a second chance and I am really trying my hardest to prove I am not nearly as ridiculous as I made myself out to be in those first couple of weeks.

Thanks again for all the advice and for telling me how awful I was being. I needed to hear it.

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wee answer Wednesday — 7 short answers to 7 short questions

by Alison Green on December 12, 2012

It’s wee answer Wednesday — seven short answers to seven short questions. Here we go…

1. What’s up with this poor benefits package?

I just had an interview at a company for a senior-level director position I am potentially interested in, but the company’s benefits (or lack thereof) concern me. For instance, the company only offers one week of paid vacation time for the first two years, six paid holidays off (I currently get 10), and no 401K. I know I could negotiate for more vacation time; however, my concern is that this speaks to how the company treats its employees (poorly). I asked why a company of their size (700 people) didn’t offer a 401K plan, and her answer was that they used to have one, but it didn’t work, and since they were primarily a manufacturer, it wasn’t common for manufacturers to employ this perk. Is that true? What would be the reason for this? Also, I thought that two weeks vacation time was, if not law, standard for full-time work. Is it common for companies to offer only one week? The company does offer medical, dental, and vision.

No law requires employers to offer any vacation time, but two weeks has long been considered a minimum in most industries. That said, benefits packages do vary widely and can be a solid reason for turning down an offer. If you do decide to turn down the offer over this, I hope you’ll tell them why — they’re more likely to improve their benefits if they realize that they’re losing good candidates (and employees) over it.

2. New job has extreme flexibility

I just started a new job last week, and it is a bit nontraditional in the sense that there isn’t really a set office: The company is so small that we each just have a membership at a coworking space, our cells are our main phone lines, and people are often out and about for meetings. I basically stay in the “office” unless I’m accompanying someone to a meeting. Everything can be done online, so often people just leave early and work from home or sometimes just don’t come in at all. This is great, but since I’m used to working in traditional offices, I’m not sure when I can start saying I’d like to work from home on certain days since I’m so new. When do you think it would be appropriate? A lot of days, I find myself done with my work pretty early and would love to beat the traffic, but I wait around until the last person leaves or until a little after 5 p.m. It seems that they would be fine if I starting leaving early as long as I’m finished with my work but I’m nervous and I’d like your opinion first. I’d really like to make a good impression, but I’m not sure if they would even think twice because everything is so laid-back.

Personally, I’d work regular hours for at least the first month, and possibly two. Right now, you’re an unknown quantity, and you want to establish yourself as someone with a good work ethic who isn’t abusing their flexibility. Once you do that, you should be able to take advantage of these benefits — but build a firm reputation for being a hard worker first, so that no one is wondering what the new person is working on and why they haven’t seen her.

3. Getting reimbursed for travel expenses for a company holiday party

I have been in my current job for more than 10 years. I used to work in the office but moved this year to another state and now work remotely. I’ve been invited to our office holiday party and, like you, feel it’s always a wise career move to attend. My company generally reimburses my travel expenses when I am called into the main office for a staff meeting. Is it a reasonable expectation to be reimbursed for travel expenses (round trip train fare, one night hotel stay) to our holiday party?

Yes. It’s a business event and an expense you wouldn’t be incurring if you weren’t working there. But if you’re uncertain, just check with your boss beforehand. Say something like, “This might be a silly question, but is it okay for me to submit a reimbursement request for my travel expenses for the holiday party?”

4. Can I thank my husband’s company for their great holiday party?

My husband’s company threw its annual holiday party on Saturday, and it was even better than usual. In addition to outstanding food and drink, they had two different bands, both of which were excellent. And if that wasn’t good enough, it was a “Monte Carlo” theme so there was no risk gambling, and the dealers were incredibly nice, patient, and educational.

I would love to send a note saying thanks for such an amazing evening, and also to let them know how absolutely fantastic the catering and casino staff were. I am acquainted with a lady in HR, and would send it to her and ask her to forward it on to the appropriate people. My husband says this is fine, but after reading you for years, I’m not sure it would be appropriate for me to send it. The easy answer is for my husband to do it, but unfortunately, that is not something that he would ever do.

Nope, don’t do it. You’re thinking of this as a social event, where it would be perfectly appropriate for you to send a thank-you, but it’s a business event. That means that if anyone is going to thank them, it should be your husband — the employee. But I wouldn’t push him to do it if he doesn’t want to, because providing a holiday party for employees is less of a gift and more of a business function — the company has the party because they believe it helps them achieve their business goals, such as building morale and camaraderie. It’s certainly nice to thank the people who organized it, but there’s not the same obligation that there would be if it were a social event outside of work.

Either way, though, you should no more send a note of thanks for this than you should send a note of thanks to the guy in accounting for helping your husband fix his direct deposit problem; these are his coworkers, and his relationships to manage.

5. Is this company stalling on hiring me?

Recently (about a month ago), I applied to a position with a wonderful startup. I thought I had finally found an opportunity within an environment in which I would flourish, while being a part of something fresh and innovative. I truly love their product.

Well, after 3 interviews, they asked for my references (good sign, or at least I thought so). Fast forward to December 10 — references haven’t been called, and after I inquired, I was told a new CEO was being brought on, and that they were still interested in me, and will hopefully have a more concrete answer before the holidays. Does this seem like a stall tactic of sorts or what? A week prior, I was told that they would hopefully reach out to my references early the following week. I don’t know what to think.

You should think exactly what they told you: that they have a new CEO and are hoping to have a concrete answer by the holidays. If they’re having a major leadership change, it makes sense that they’re not able to move forward on hiring as quickly as they normally might be.

Seriously, you guys, start taking statements like this at face value.

6. What does this email mean?

I was hoping you could interpret the following email I received from an HR manager. Just a little background, I did not reach out to the HR manager. The email below was unsolicited:

“My apologies for the delay in reaching out. I thought I sent a note on Friday but it was sitting in my draft folder. I debriefed with the interview team on Friday and they provided some very positive feedback. I am waiting to discuss things with Name Redacted (hiring partner) who you were unfortunately unable to meet with. Again, sorry for the delay but I hope to have some good news for you shortly.”

See above. Take it at face value. There’s been a delay but they consider you a strong candidate. Face value.

7. Applying when you don’t meet the GPA requirement

I am a (somewhat) recent grad and am currently looking for my next career step. I am applying to entry-level positions, and have found one that is perfect and I’ve networked with someone in the company who has encouraged me to apply. However, there is a GPA requirement listed for the position that I did not meet while in school. Should I not apply for the position? Should I apply and be honest if they ask? Do you think they will ask me for some sort of transcript?

Go ahead and apply anyway, because you have nothing to lose. (And yes, of course you should be honest if they ask. They may or may not ask for transcripts or otherwise verify your GPA, but regardless, you don’t lie about stuff like that.) They may or may not be rigid about the GPA requirement; if they are, you’ll find out soon enough, but many companies are more flexible about requirements than what their job postings would lead you to believe.

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how to crush someone’s dreams without being a jerk

by Alison Green on December 11, 2012

A reader writes:

I was contacted by a recent graduate of my alma mater asking for advice on getting into my industry (publishing), and we’re having coffee later this week. I get these kinds of emails every so often, and I’m sometimes torn over how to respond. Because the honest truth is that most people should not get into publishing — especially the people who *think* they want to, i.e. English majors. These kids contacting me generally think that they’ll be having hours-long lunches with their favorite authors discussing literary theory. In reality, they will be working 12-hour days for little pay doing all of the worst tasks, only to some day, if they stick it out, get to be focused on generating sales, not on discovering great literary talent. I’m sure this isn’t a surprise to a lot of people, but it often is to recent grads with little job experience (and who majored in English because they *don’t* want to work for a big corporation).

There are some great things about the industry and I love my job, so I don’t necessarily want to crush their dreams — but maybe a little dream-crushing is needed? What is the best way to crush someone’s dreams without coming across as a complete jerk? I should note that in the past I have referred some younger people who’ve contacted me this way to jobs, and they’ve been really unhappy there even though I tried to be honest about what it’s like.

Be straightforward! Don’t think of it as dream-crushing. Think of it as guiding someone in the dark who thinks they’re about to step on to a delightfully cushy rug, and you’re letting them know that actually, they’re about to step on to a very crumbly patch of flooring that might cave in. Yes, maybe they have dreams of a luxuriously cushy rug (who doesn’t?), but they sure as hell would rather be warned that it’s not what they think it is.

Why not say something like this: “I’ve found that people often have misconceptions about what the business is like and how they’ll be spending their time, and I’ve seen a lot of people end up very unhappy in publishing when they go in without a very accurate idea of what to expect. I’d like to try to give you a clear picture of what you can expect so that you can decide whether it’s still something you’re interested in pursuing or whether you’d rather look at other career paths.” And then tell them what they need to know.

Of course, tell them about the good parts, too — because publishing might actually be right for a small number of these people, and you don’t want to steer them away in that case.  So present the whole picture — not just the good and not just the bad, but the full picture … although probably with a bit more emphasis on the bad, since that’s the part people are most inclined to tune out.

Also, keep in mind that you’re not responsible for forcing the blinders off people’s eyes, if they’re determined to have them. All you can do is to present a clear and honest picture. What they do with it is up to them.

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ask the readers: reporting domestic violence to an employer

by Alison Green on December 11, 2012

Hoping you guys can weigh in on this one. A reader writes:

I have a friend and former coworker who is a victim of domestic violence. While I have not seen evidence of it at work (bruises), knowing this person, her work history, and having met the husband, I am certain she is a victim of domestic violence. The problem is I can’t prove this, nor is the police department of the state we live in likely to do anything if reported without proof.

However, do I report this to the HR department or campus security? (We both work at a private university, so the campus police can remove anyone from the property for any reason.) Also, since the coworker is going through some rough times, the chance of violence is increased. I am concerned that if reported to HR or security, there will be consequences against my friend from either HR or security.

Some additional information: They are seriously in debt, which my friend has kept from her husband in fear of the domestic violence. She borrowed some money from me at one point to pay bills, but I told her that was the last time I would do it. She told me she has done this before, from other family members and friends. And she recently asked again to borrow money, because the husband had drained their joint banking account. I told her no, and she tried to guilt me into it by saying he would beat her. I told someone else about the situation, and she agreed with me that there was a problem — but neither of us were convinced that informing the local police departments that anything would be done. This other person was also a victim of domestic violence, so she has some knowledge of what happens in these situations. I know some victims of domestic violence, and she has the same manerisms of those people and including the stories she has told various people, all of which are consistent in the details, I am convinced of the problem.

Ugh, this is awful on many fronts. Readers, what are your thoughts?

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the 10 worst office holiday party disasters

by Alison Green on December 11, 2012

I recently asked readers to tell me about their worst office holiday parties, and your stories ranged from giggle-inducing to outright horrifying. Here are 10 of the worst disasters you reported.

1. You’re invited … to work at the party

“I was working in sandwich shop with only six employees. The owner invited all of us to a formal holiday party at his house. I didn’t realize until I showed up – in my only fancy party dress – that I was expected to work the event, serving all the owner’s friends and family!”

2. Temps need not attend

“At my now-years-ago temp job, around mid-December our boss scheduled a holiday lunch at a nice local restaurant. Since it was written on the master calendar and discussed several times in front of us, the other temps and I assumed everyone was invited.

Come the day of the lunch, all of a sudden the regular staff stopped talking to the temps, avoided eye contact and kept whispering amongst themselves. Turns out the temps were NOT invited to their lunch, but no one had the guts to tell us. At lunchtime, the regular staff literally snuck out of the office!

Since we hadn’t received further instructions when they left, the temps went out to lunch on our own so we wouldn’t be there when they got back. Unfortunately, that meant when we got back from lunch we temps walked in on the boss handing our presents to the regular staff; the temps got nothing. Needless to say, the rest of the day was very uncomfortable for everyone.”

3. Frat house run amok

“The CEO threw an evening holiday party at his house, and gave me a half day off to shop for food and drinks, set everything up, and decorate. I did my best but since I was a billing coordinator, not a party planner, it looked a little… askew.

The actual party was like a frat house run amok. The A/P director drank too much and threw up shrimp cocktail on the white shag carpet. The plant manager got into a screaming fight with his wife in the driveway. The chemist was found making out with the loading dock supervisor, who was about 30 years her senior and more importantly not her husband. And I accidentally walked in on the sales director peeing in the unlocked hallway bathroom (which I thought was the coat closet; we were both surprised). The president himself got completely hammered and went around telling people totally inappropriate stories, gave me a giant bear hug that lasted a little too long, and broke the sliding door to his patio.”

4. Forced karaoke – without music

“It was an otherwise ordinary party – dinner and dancing at a local hotel ballroom. But between the dinner and dancing they had karaoke. Not volunteer karaoke, though, and this was before karaoke machines were available. Several small groups of people were coerced into going up and singing, handed the words to the songs printed on paper and made to sing a capella in front of the entire room. It was so painful to watch their embarrassment…. no, I’d go so far as to say humiliation. I wasn’t one of those people, so I have no bitterness, but you have to really think twice about company management that will do that to people. It was downright ugly.”

5. Vacation slides and a bear

“The entertainment consisted of the head of the company showing us his vacation slides to Yosemite at winter time, and then he sang a song about a bear. The slides were beautiful, but just reinforced the difference between the haves and have nots. And it got old after the second carousel.”

6. The worst ice-breaker in the world

“I work at a nonprofit agency of the blind, and a large percentage of our staff is blind. At the last holiday party at my office the upper management hired a DJ and told him to come up with some ice breaker games. The only ice-breaker this DJ could come up with was a game where the players had to keep toilet paper rolls in between their legs, and another player had to use a toilet plunger to try to spear the rolls from between the other persons legs.

What this amounted to was that we had a bunch of blind people thrusting a wooden plunger at each others’ crotches. It did not end well.”

7. Mysterious gift

“In addition to the company-wide party every year, my office has a pizza lunch and white elephant gift swap. It’s totally optional, and you don’t have to bring a gift to still enjoy the pizza. Usually it’s stipulated that the gifts should be around $10 and be something you’d like to receive yourself. Last year, most of the gifts had been opened when one of my co-workers picked up a smallish box and shook it. It rattled like crazy, and when he opened it there were crushed peanut shells inside. No one knew who it was from, and it set a really uncomfortable tone for the rest of the afternoon. To this day, no one has claimed it.”

8. Merry Christmas, here’s a pay cut

“My former boss got drunk, sat me down at the bar and said that he was giving me a raise to [less money than he was currently paying me]. Whoops!”

9. True confessions

“There was a drawing for door prizes, but in order to get your prize, you had to answer a silly question. Like “what did you wear to prom?” or “what was your childhood pet’s name?” And then someone got, “What is the worst thing you have ever done?” A hush fell over the room, and the person turned bright red, muttered something unintelligible, grabbed their $5 Starbucks gift card, and walked away.”

10. A dangerous holiday journey

“A young coworker overindulged in alcohol and somehow managed to miss that the company was offering a car service to help folks get home safely. He proceeded to wander drunkenly through the city trying to make it home, but ended up running into some bad sorts trying to accost him. In trying to escape, he got completely banged up – cuts, bruises, blood, and filthy, torn clothing. At this point, he was so disoriented that he wasn’t not sure how to get home, so he decided to lay down in back of pickup truck parked on the street (this was December, so it was probably 40 degrees outside). An hour or two later, the truck owner spotted him and chased him off. He forgot his bag, which had his MetroCard, so he decided to go back to work and sleep it off under his desk.

Meanwhile, the truck owner sees the nice bag left behind and thinks it was stolen, so he calls the cops, who then go to the address…where the young coworker lives with a now panic-stricken mother. The panic doesn’t abate when no one at work has seen him for hours…until he stumbles out from his desk around 11 a.m.”

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tiny answer Tuesday: 7 short answers to 7 short questions

by Alison Green on December 11, 2012

It’s tiny answer Tuesday: seven short answers to seven short questions. Here we go…

1. Can my manager force me to quit even though I don’t want to?

I am a 22-year-old woman who has no problem working two jobs because I’ve done it before. Recently I was hired to be an assistant store manager. I accepted the job and let my new boss know that I wanted to still work my other job(grocery store). When I told my current boss about my new job, she keeps telling me I can’t work both. All of her reasons seem like personal opinions. Now she’s asking me when am I turning in my two weeks notice. My question to you is, can they make me quit even though I don’t want to, or are they firing me? I’m really disappointed in how this is turning out. I just don’t understand.

No one can ever make you quit a job if you don’t want to. Of course, they can fire you if you refuse, but if you have reasons for preferring to be fired than to quit, they certainly can’t force you to quit.

In your case, it sounds like your manager has clearly told you that you can’t have both jobs. It doesn’t matter that you don’t have a problem having both; she doesn’t want you to. This isn’t an unusual stand; sometimes employers don’t allow second jobs if it might interfere with your availability for them. Go back and talk to your manager. Tell her that you believe you can work both jobs without interfering with your commitment there. Ask her what her concerns are, and see if you can address them. But ultimately, she can certainly tell you that you can’t work there if you don’t quit the first one.

2. Listing free courses on your resume

I’m taking classes on coursera.org and edx.org that are offered free (open) online for anyone who wants to take them. Some of them are from very prestigious schools like Harvard and MIT. How do you feel about listing classes that you’ve taken and passed through those websites on your resume and LinkedIn that are relevant to your field? As for the classes that are irrelevant to your field, should you list those at all or only on LinkedIn?

I’m not a huge fan of listing individual courses on a resume, except in narrowly defined situations where it’s highly valued by your industry or you’re trying to send some specific signal — such as that you’re working to keep up to date in your field, boosting your skills in X, or whatever. Simply attending a class doesn’t convey much beyond that you attended; it doesn’t say what you took away from the class or what you’re doing with it. And the prestige of a school doesn’t matter when the classes are open to anyone who wants to attend. All of which is to say … it’s probably fine to list it, but don’t list a ton of individual courses (this should take up one or two lines at most) and don’t count on it having a significant impact on the reader.

3. I have to work more hours than the rest of my office

All of the employees in my office who are paid a salary work 37.5 hours a week while I am required to work 40. I am the receptionist, while their positions include file clerks, assistants, and a courier. Is this common/legal? I don’t really think it’s fair but have a feeling there’s nothing I can do about it.

Yes, it’s common and legal. Unless they’re basing hours and pay on people’s race, religion, sex, etc., there’s nothing illegal or even unfair about assigning different positions different hours.

4. Training classes as an unpaid intern

I started interning at a nonprofit just a couple months ago. I am interested in taking some classes in grant writing. I am thinking, would my organization be willing to pay for the classes for an unpaid intern like me? It’s a large organization, and one of my supervisors is a grant writer/manager, but I am interested in learning more about it and getting certification.

Very unlikely. They already have someone writing grants, and a large organization is unlikely to give grant-writing responsibilities to an intern, so there’s no real incentive for them to pay for you to take a class in the subject. That said, you can certainly mention to your manager that you’re interested in learning more about the area and that you’d love her advice on how you can gain experience and skills in it.

5. Accommodations from my company to care for a child with autism

I am currently working as a retail manager and have been with the company for 12 years. I am mother of a 2-year-old with developmental delays and have been taking him to see a speech and occupatinal therapist for a year now. I was recently told he may have autism and needs more therapy. I let my employer know my situation and that I can’t be a manager and still do the things his doctors and therapist suggest. They told me I can’t step down and my only option is to quit. I can’t help but question is this true or legal? I have letters showing what his doctors suggest and how my son will benefit from my be able to spend more time on his therapies.

If your company has 50 employees or more, you might be eligible for up to 12 weeks of unpaid leave to help your son under Family and Medical Leave Act (FMLA). It can be taken in pieces (you don’t need to take all 12 weeks at once), but it sounds like that probably isn’t quite what the situation needs. Beyond FMLA leave, I can’t think of anything else they’d be obligated to offer you, and from their point of view — as sympathetic as they might be to your situation — it’s not unreasonable to take the stance that your managerial responsibilities can’t be uncoupled from the rest of your job. It’s not a question of whether your and your son’s needs are legitimate; it’s whether this job and this employer can accommodate them or not. Unfortunately, it sounds like your best option might be to look at other jobs that are a better fit with the change in your circumstances.

6. Will my job change under a new manager?

I took a job three months ago in the regional office of a large corporation. My department is small, just three people, and I took the job largely based on compatibility with my boss and coworker, the industry experience they said I would gain through the responsibilities of my job, and special projects they would give me based on my past professional experience. Fast-forward to now: my boss left the company last week and my coworker told me last night that he is leaving as well. I’m concerned that when their positions are filled, many of the special analytical projects I’m working on will drop off as my new boss and coworker attempt to establish themselves in their roles and that I will be left to do project accounting full time, which is only intended to be 15% of my duties.

I’m considering going to our regional president, who thinks highly of me but does not work with me on a day-to-day basis, to discuss these concerns but what is proper protocol for renegotiating/solidifying my job responsibilities in this situation?

I would talk to whoever your boss’s boss is (which may or may not be the regional president) and say that you’re concerned about ensuring that the arrangements you made when you took the job will continue under the new manager. She may be able to assure you that it will, or she might tell you that it’ll be up to the new manager when that person is hired. If the latter, then I’d wait and see what happens when that person starts — and don’t be shy about talking with the new person about your concerns as well at that point. Ultimately, if she makes major changes, at that point you can decide whether it’s something you want to stick around for or not.

7. My coworker won’t leave me alone

I have a coworker who will not leave me alone. Unfortunately, she’s also friends with the head of our organization, so many options that I would otherwise try won’t work here because she will tattle to him. She stops by my office numerous times a day, for 30-50 minutes at a time. We don’t really ever have a conversation, she usually just talks at me.

I’ve tried saying I’m busy, or that I’m on a deadline, and I usually keep my door closed. Sometimes I’ll even be on the phone and she will barge in and sit there until I end the conversation. I’ve talked to my immediate supervisor about this, but his advice was to basically suck it up because she’s friends with the boss. I really have tried, but she is ruining my life at work. In addition to being a chronic time waster, she’s also done things on occasion that really bother me on a personal level (for instance, lying to clients to make them feel sorry for her). I am constantly afraid she’ll interrupt me and I’ll be sucked into an hour of wasted time with someone I deeply dislike. Lately she’s also been trying to get me to hang out with her outside of work. I’ve been able to avoid it so far, but she clearly either can’t read or doesn’t care about social cues because I’ve been pretty obvious I can’t stand her. In fact, she’s complained to my supervisor that I’m not friendly enough to her! I don’t want to be mean, but politely telling her I’m busy and don’t have time to talk hasn’t worked. I would really appreciate any advice on how to stop this, or at least cut down on the interruptions.

You need to be direct: “I’m busy right now and can’t talk.” “I’m on deadline so need you to leave my office.” “Sorry, but I need to focus and can’t speak with you.” “Please do not wait in my office when I’m on a phone call.” Repeat over and over as necessary.

As for the social overtures: “No, thank you.” “No, I try to keep work and home separate.” “No, thank you.”

No one can force you to talk to them without your permission.

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my internship ended last week, but they’re still giving me work

by Alison Green on December 10, 2012

A reader writes:

I just finished an internship last week and sent my last project to my supervisor. My supervisor e-mailed me and asked me to add information to the project that he hadn’t mentioned I needed to include before. It’d probably take me at least three hours to do it. The internship was unpaid, turned out to not be good experience/learning-wise, and I did all the hours I agreed to do, so I don’t think I “owe” them more time. I’m also starting a new internship this week, so I don’t exactly have a bunch of extra free time to be still doing work for them. They have 15 interns each semester, so it’d be easy for him to hand the work off to someone else in the spring since the work isn’t time sensitive.

Is it unreasonable for me to not do the extra work? Can I just remind my supervisor that I’ve finished my hours and say I’m starting another internship and don’t have time to do additional work? I don’t want to “burn bridges” but I really don’t want to have to force myself though another few hours of tedious free work while I’m busy starting another internship either.

What?!  This guy knows that your internship ended last week, right?

Yeah, just email him back and tell him that now that your internship is over and you’re starting a new position, you don’t have time to continue to do work for him. Thank him again for the experience, blah blah blah, but no, you don’t need to continue to do work now that the position is over.

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