my networking contact chastised me; how should I respond?

by Alison Green on November 19, 2012

A reader writes:

I graduated from college in May and became employed shortly after. A month ago, due to cuts, I was laid off and began rigorously looking for work again. I had been networking casually before, but this time I really started to network aggressively, reaching out to alumni who could potentially become professional contacts.

I found an alumna online who was about 8-10 years older than I am, shares my major, and works for a respectable company in the same industry. I sent her a very polite cold email, asking if she’d be willing to give me career advice; I did NOT ask her for job opportunities. She replied back and was perfectly lovely, saying that she helps new college grads all the time and would love to talk. We arranged to meet for coffee next week.

Yesterday, about 9 days after our last correspondence, I sent her another polite email. I asked her how she was doing recently. I briefly mentioned I had done a phone interview this week with a company I like. I reiterated that I was looking forward to our coffee conversation next week. Lastly, just to be friendly, I asked if she had seen a film — tasteful, not vulgar — that was released recently, saying, “P.S. I’ve heard some good reviews for [movie] lately, have you had a chance to see it?”

Today I received this response from her:

“[Name],

Looking forward to meeting you as well. Curious where you heard positive reviews for [movie]; I saw it recently and found it to be poorly executed, others who viewed it shared this opinion. One tip I always give to new college grads is to be less generic in your emails to contacts you are trying to connect with. Some may be fine with it, but to me personally such questions tend to seem vacuous and ingenuine. Talk to me about my professional interests and line of work, not pop culture.

Hope the phone interview will take you to the next round. Let me know if any questions about interviewing.”

When I finished reading it, my face turned bright red, and I just felt a wave of embarrassment wash over me. To be honest, I am a little upset because the tone of the email came across as blunt and rude. I honestly felt that I was just being friendly and didn’t deserve a response like this, but I do acknowledge that she is trying to help me by giving honest advice. Am I being too sensitive to criticism here? What is the best way to respond to an email like this?

Wow. I think the answer is simply that she’s kind of a jerk. Or at the least, pompous.

It’s not like you asked her on a date or inquired about her religious beliefs or otherwise crossed an obvious boundary; you simply brought up a movie, and did so in a way that was clearly just designed to be friendly.

Now sure, there’s an argument to be made that networking emails should focus on professional interests, not pop culture. But reasonable people could disagree on that; it’s certainly not black and white. More to the point, though, her way of telling you this was rude and condescending. (And notice that she managed to smack down your opinion of the movie too, before telling you it was inappropriate to bring it up.)

If she really felt strongly about this, a far more constructive way for her to bring it up would have been to wait for the coffee and then say something like, “By the way, one thing I’d recommend is keeping networking conversations focused on networking. I noticed last week you asked about (movie name), which in normal circumstances would be a friendly overture to make, but in networking might feel out of place to some people.” (Note that I don’t agree with that argument, but this would be a nicer way to frame it if she felt it was important advice to pass along. And she could have used a kinder tone, instead of the snotty one she used in the email.)

In any case, you shouldn’t be the embarrassed one here. Her behavior, by any reasonable person’s standards, was unwarranted and rude.

Frankly, I’d question the quality of any other advice she could give you, based on her judgment here, and might be tempted to cancel the coffee … but you might be better off going and seeing what other ridiculous pronouncements she has for you. Just take any additional advice she gives you with a large amount of skepticism, and don’t take anything she says personally.

You can read an update to this post here.

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8 signs your job search strategy needs help

by Alison Green on November 19, 2012

If you’re having trouble finding a job, it might simply be the reality of a tough job market — but it might signify that the problem is in how you’re approaching employers. Here are seven signs that it might be time to take a fresh look at how you’re approaching your job search.

1. You’re not getting any interviews. If you’re not getting a single interview, that suggests that either your resume and cover letter need some serious help, or you’re applying for positions you’re not suited for. In this tight job market, your resume needs to show that you have a track record of success in the skills the job requires, and your cover letter needs to demonstrate that you’re well-spoken, enthusiastic, and sane. And you can’t target jobs too far outside your skill set; with so many people seeking work, employers have the luxury of not taking risks on untested candidates.

2. You’re getting plenty of first interviews but no second interviews. If you’re getting interviews, your applications materials are getting you in the door. But if you’re not getting call-backs, your interview skills might be working against you. Try better preparing for interviews beforehand, and consider asking a trusted contact for some feedback about how you’re coming across. The best experience in the world won’t make up for a bad impression in an interview.

3. When you ask past colleagues for networking help, they all come up with reasons why they can’t help. If people who know your work aren’t comfortable vouching for you, you might have a reputation problem. Were past coworkers disappointed with your work ethic, competence, integrity, or general pleasantness on the job? That can come back to haunt you when you’re counting on them for introductions or recommendations later on.

4. You’re not sure what jobs you’d even be suited for. If you don’t know what you’re qualified to do, you can’t expect an employer to figure it out for you. Employers respond to clear, compelling cases for why a candidate would excel at a position, so you need to figure out a way to make that case for yourself.

5. You’ve been unemployed for more than six months. Job searches are taking longer these days, and searches of six months or more aren’t uncommon. However, if you’ve been looking for longer than six months without at least some serious interest from employers, it’s worth revisiting your resume, cover letter, and interviewing skills. Often this kind of re-boot can get the phone ringing again.

6. You’re only searching for jobs on the Internet.While plenty of people get hired by responding to online job postings, it doesn’t change the fact that you’ll be up against an enormous amount of competition. Having someone in your network connect you to a job opening can be the boost that sets you apart from the rest of the pack, so it’s crucial to activate your network on your behalf.

7. You’re convinced the hiring process is unfair. Hiring isn’t fair. Jobs don’t always go to the most qualified candidate; sometimes they go to the person with the inside connection, or the person who was easier to get along with in the interview, or the person who showed more willingness to learn. But if you get hung up on the idea that you’re somehow being wronged, your bitterness will show in interviews and will send employers running.

8. You’re feeling desperate. When job seekers are feeling desperate, they often make bad decisions – from trying gimmicks like sending gifts to their interviewer to being overly aggressive in calling employers. If you’re feeling desperate, try to stay calm and don’t start doing things that you know deep down are cheesy, inappropriate, or overly aggressive.

I originally published this at U.S. News & World Report.

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update from the reader worried that he couldn’t take an interviewer’s call

by Alison Green on November 17, 2012

Remember the reader back in August who was mortified and felt he needed to apologize to an interviewer who called him — unscheduled — at a bad time? He was at the store when he got the call and had just found out he needed to take his brother to the ER, so he obviously couldn’t talk … but he worried he’d blown the job by saying so. I told him that you never need to feel mortified over not being able to take an unscheduled phone call.

Here’s his update on what’s happened since then:

I wanted to write and update you on my current situation. As I stated in the comments of that post, I was offered and accepted the job, but, unfortunately, the story does not have a happy ending. I had been warned by a member of my network (a former medical director of the agency) that there was a lot of upheaval at the agency, and I heard nothing but grumbling and comments about how the agency that I was at was “not a good place to work at right now” (this was from a man who has been at that agency since 1980).

So I started with a sort of heightened sense of job insecurity, which probably affected how I conducted myself. I worked at this agency for around two months, and, due to budgetary issues, the position was eliminated, and I lost the job. I wish I could say why, other than that I was the newest hire, and the upheaval led to a great many moving parts. I asked my manager if the decision was performance-related, and she said that she had had no worries about my performance, it was just an unfortunate situation that could not be prevented.

So, I am back to square one with the job hunt, but I am in a new city with some experience to show for it, along with now being licensed as a social worker and having a good network. Using the skills I have learned from AAM and my knowledge that I can be an effective social worker, I have already had two interviews, with the first leading to a rejection, but also great feedback and being added to this gentleman’s network (he is an executive director at a nonprofit). The second has led to a second interview next week, and I am still applying to other jobs and doing my due diligence.

What led me to finally write in and update is the recent discussion on how upbringing can lead to how we perform in the workplace. I assumed my “kowtowing” was due to my own anxiety issues, but I also wonder if my upbringing did not play a role. I had a very difficult time growing up, with blue collar parents who struggle financially to this day, and I am the first in my family to have any sort of college education. I was always encouraged in my studies, and had good role models, but I tend to operate with a blue collar mindset.

Thus, I viewed the hiring manager as holding all the cards, and it’s only now that I know to view interviews and the job search as a search for a mutually beneficial business arrangement. I’ve been taught only to survive, by any means possible, for so long, that it’s only now, having found this website, that I am able to better view the white collar world. Even in grad school, I felt out of place, and I thought that everyone would see me as that country bumpkin who went to the junior college and the state directional school, and was helping to support a family back home (as they were having to file bankruptcy and losing their home to foreclosure).

In sum, I’m incredibly lucky and blessed, and I am struck with what the last hiring manager said when he rejected me and gave feedback. He said that it’s not a matter of whether I will get a job, but a matter of when. I have lived with uncertainty and instability for so long that that type of encouragement affects me a great deal. So Alison and those who comment, thanks for all your help, and I can’t begin to say how much of a help you have all been.

That is great to hear. And I think you’re on the right track with starting to see interviews as a two-way street. It can really make a huge difference in how you approach your job search and how you come across to employers — as well as whether you end up in a job you’re happy in.

Please keep us posted!

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short answer Saturday — 7 short answers to 7 short questions

by Alison Green on November 17, 2012

It’s short answer Saturday — seven short answers to seven short questions. Here we go…

1. My coworkers think I’m slacking off, but I’m not

I am a “junior” employee in a department of 4 (plus my manager.) I have essentially the same responsibilities as the senior staff members, except with a slightly less-heavy workload, as part of my job is to act as an assistant to the senior staff. I used to handle this by sending out an email to everyone in the department whenever I had downtime, asking them to see me if they wanted to pass any of their projects to me. About 6 months back, my manager asked me to stop doing this, as she wants to be aware of what is (or isn’t) being passed to me. She asked me to tell her when I had downtime, and she would pick and choose what gets reassigned to me. I didn’t ask why; it didn’t seem important at the time. I have done this several times over the past few months and it has never caused a problem before.

Fast forward to this week: I didn’t have my usual stack of papers on my desk, so I told my boss I could take on some extra work if anyone needed help. I did have some things to work on so she asked if I could wait until the next day, to which I said yes. Over that day, two of my coworkers spent most of the afternoon whispering about how I was “just sitting there.” (I wasn’t, I just didn’t have a mound of papers on my desk…) Now this is a petty issue, obviously, but still really uncomfortable. It is reasonable to ask my boss to explain the situation to them? I’m worried that I’ll come off as “tattling” on them for gossiping about me.

It’s not tattling to raise a valid concern about how you’ll be perceived in the office if this isn’t handled differently. Talk to your boss and say that you’ve gotten the sense that your coworkers think you’re just sitting around rather than helping them, and that you’re concerned that your new arrangement is giving people the wrong idea. Alternately, you could just talk to your coworkers directly and explain how your manager asked you to handle that situation. (And by the way, if they really spent the whole afternoon whispering about you, they’re obnoxious and could use more work themselves. In the future, feel free to speak up as soon as you see something like that happening: “Hey, I’m actually waiting for Jane to get back to me, because she asked that I stop asking other people for work in my downtime.”)

2. What gifts should I give my staff?

I have never worked in an office before where gift giving during the holidays was part of the culture. Here supervisors buy their staff gifts (and possibly their boss?). What is a good rule of thumb for buying gifts? I have a small staff so it’s not a financial hardship, but I have only been here a year and I feel like I don’t know my employees well enough to get them something personal. Is there standard etiquette on this? I wasn’t here for the holidays last year so I don’t know what was typically given/received.

As I’ve said a few times here in recent weeks, I wish we could cut out all office gift-giving because it so often leads to people feeling pressured to spend money they don’t want to spend. For every person who enjoys the ritual, there’s at least one more who resents the expectation. In any case, you could talk to other managers there and find out what’s typically done … but you also might be doing everyone working for you a favor if you make it clear that any gifts will be flowing downward, not upward.

3. Should my friend give notice while waiting for an offer?

My friend, a new college grad, had an interview with a startup company. They contacted her after the interview and said they wanted to hire her, made her an offer, and said the written offer was forthcoming within a week. Only, a week went by and she didn’t hear anything. I recommended that she contact them and politely ask if they were indeed still giving her a job. Anyway, the bottom line is that it’s been a month and she still doesn’t have the written offer. At the same time, she does have a job as a supervisor at a coffee shop for which she needs to either give her notice to or commit to next month’s schedule (the schedule is done on a month-to-month basis.) What should she do?

(I said at this point, if they still indeed do want her, she shouldn’t want them because they are that disorganized and disrespectful and that’s only a indicator of what’s to come.) But what course of action should she take? A tactful phone call explaining that she needs the answer? Or is the writing on the wall?

She should call them and ask for a sense of their timeline for moving forward. Meanwhile, she should go ahead and commit to her next month at the coffee shop, because there’s no guarantee that this job offer will ever materialize. If it does materialize at some point, she can explain that she can’t start until the shifts she’s committed to are up. She absolutely shouldn’t give notice without an offer — an offer she’s accepted — because otherwise she may be left with no job and no offer. Remind her that promises of a forthcoming offer mean nothing; only an actual offer is an offer.

4. Can I still drop this name?

About a month ago, I went to an industry networking event and struck up a conversation with a woman there who suggested a couple of firms I should contact because they might be hiring soon. About a week later, we had an email exchange where she clarified the specific people within the organizations to whom I should address my inquiries. She also suggested we get together for lunch sometime in the next few days, and I agreed.

Since then, she has completely dropped off the map. I sent her a follow-up email about a week after our last email exchange to see if she still wanted to do lunch, and heard nothing. I sent her another quick email a couple of days ago just to check in and let her know that I was going to be at an industry conference and hoped to see her there and heard nothing again. At this point, I’m bummed that this isn’t panning out as well as I wanted to to, but I’m content to drop it (as I don’t want to be a stalker), except…

…I still want to contact the firms she suggested to me to see if they are hiring. But at this point, is it bad form to mention in my cover letters “Jane Smith suggested I contact you” if I haven’t heard from her in a month and I only met her once? That seems like a terrible networking faux pas to me, but then at the same time, I don’t want to squander a potential opportunity. What do you suggest?

No, I think you can absolutely still mentioned that she suggested you contact them, because she did. I’d consider that a completely separate thing than getting together for lunch. And I doubt she’s intentionally snubbing you about lunch; she’s probably busy, disorganized, a hermit, or who knows. But she wouldn’t have directly told you who to contact and said to use her name if she didn’t mean it.

5. Leaving a fantastic boss for an internal promotion

A few months ago, I was recruited and hired for this fantastic job at a major university. I love my department, and my boss is amazing. I’ve managed to impress him and some of his other colleagues as well. Recently, we had a fiscal meeting with various directors and executives from different university departments. Long story short, one of the directors was very impressed with me and wants to hire me for an open position in his department. I will work directly under him and there will be a significant increase in my salary. I’m a bit ambivalent because I have a great relationship with my current boss and I feel as though I’m betraying him. I think I’m interested in this position and the opportunity will give me more exposure to high-level people. How can I handle this situation as professionally as possible without burning any bridges?

Talk to your boss about it — not as a done deal but as something you’re uncertain about. You’ll either very quickly see that he’s okay with it or will see that he’s not. If he’s not, you’ll have to decide how to deal with it then, but at least talk to him first. Meanwhile, though, be sure that you really want to leave a fantastic boss — they are hard to find.

6. Applied to a job in the wrong location

I just looked back at a job that I recently applied to, only to realize that the position is based in another area entirely (Sacramento, and I live in San Francisco)! I am normally very detail-oriented but obviously missed the “location” part of the job description, and I’m very embarrassed! It is a large company with multiple locations in my state, and they use one of the big online app/tracking programs.

I just saw another job there that is a good fit (and the right location!) and I also found out that a friend’s husband works there so I might have a better chance of getting my resume looked at. What do I do about the other application? There doesn’t appear to be any option to “withdraw application” or anything. I’m afraid if I try to contact someone in HR it’s going to draw more attention to my mistake. However I’m also afraid that if I leave it up they’re going to be confused and wonder why I applied to two jobs in different areas!

Hmmm, I’d probably just apply to the correct one and ignore the incorrect one. If asked, you can explain, but it’s a big company using a big tracking software — they’re probably used to people applying to multiple locations. That said, you could certainly contact HR and explain; it’s unlikely to count as a huge black mark against you.

7. How can I recruit employed candidates away from their jobs?

I see that most of the top professionals I’d like to hire are already employed. If they’re good, their jobs are often comfortable and decently paid. Yet I know, and they know, that taking on new challenges is better for their career than getting stuck in one place. How do we get them to take the risk, stick their heads up a little, and give it a try?

Offer something that’s worth leaving for — whether it’s salary, benefits, culture, meaningful work, impressive coworkers, or anything else that’s likely to be a draw. It’s got to be real though — that’s the catch.

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who should pay for personal office supplies?

by Alison Green on November 16, 2012

A reader writes:

I work for a tiny start-up with three coworkers. You could say that we’re on a shoestring budget as my boss is funding the company out of his own pocket (his consulting company is paying our way so it’s not like he’s a Hilton). I’m now in charge of office supplies because of a long story involving one of my coworkers. That same coworker always wants something new on a regular basis. She needs a new clipboard, or she needs a new mousepad, or she wants new pens (not the ones we already have in the office, but her own brand and style). These little things are going to be used only by her and aren’t expensive, but over time they do add up.

We’re also in a position that the company might have to shut down in the next 4 months if we don’t start making real revenue (which is her job because she’s in sales). I currently buy any small items that aren’t necessary for my work but I’d like to have, such as command hooks for hanging my coat or pens or anything else that is mine. My boss doesn’t like buying these little things, but if we bug him enough he will pay for them. My question is in this situation, who should be footing the bill for personal office items?

How much money are we really talking about? An $8 clipboard here and a $10 mousepad there aren’t going to add up to very much — it’s all probably adding up to less than $100, right? That isn’t going to make or break the company. So I wonder if it’s the spirt of her requests rather than the actual money that’s bothering you.

In general, you don’t want to nickel and dime people. Most offices give people some leeway on supplies and will go beyond the basics to pay for additional items that aren’t necessities but which will help people do their jobs more comfortably — a nicer chair, better pens, whatever, as long as people’s personal requests aren’t exorbitant.

Obviously, in a time of tight finances, you might implement tighter controls on that stuff. It’s certainly reasonable to say, “Money is tight and we’re covering these basic supplies, but we’re not in a financial position to go beyond that right now because we’re trying to be frugal.” But you also need to look at how much you’re actually saving. Don’t buy $800 chairs, yes, but pens and coat hooks? Unless they’re gold-plated, you’re probably not going to achieve much cost-cutting there.

Which brings me back to wondering if what you’re really bothered by here is a sense that she’s not fully on board with helping the company be frugal and stay afloat. Are there other things she’s doing that give you that sense? If so, that’s the real issue … but if it’s really just limited to her insatiable desire for gel-tip pens (how I love them!), it’s probably not a good place to rest your anxieties.

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how do I write my self-evaluation?

by Alison Green on November 16, 2012

A reader writes:

I would really love some input on what a manager is looking for in self-evaluations. Not just the written portions but the self-scoring portion as well. I always want to give myself a grade below what I might feel I deserve because I don’t want to look like an egotist in front of my boss.

Everyone dreads these, don’t they?  Here are five tips that should help.

1. First, understand the purpose of a self-evaluation. Self-evaluations are really useful in reminding your manager about key highlights of your work that she might not have in the forefront of her mind that way you do. They’re an opportunity for you to point out where you excelled and where you think there’s room for improvement. Additionally, they can be hugely useful in spotting areas where you and your manager might have different assessments, so that you can figure out why. After all, if you think you’re doing a great job with customer relations and she thinks you’ve been mediocre, you need to know that – and figure out why you’ve each reached different conclusion.

2. Do not rate yourself lower than you deserve. Absolutely not! Your manager isn’t looking for false modesty here; she’s looking for your honest assessment of how things are going. If you rate yourself lower than you really think you deserve, you undo much of the point of the exercise and deny both yourself and your manager the benefits above.

3. Don’t lose sight of what your goals were for the year and how well you achieved them. All too often in evaluations, people focus on soft skills (how you get along with others, how well you communicate, etc.) to the exclusion of results. So always begin by looking at what you were supposed to accomplish during the evaluation period, and to what extent you did that. Hopefully the evaluation form you’ve been given makes it easy to do that, but if it doesn’t, find a way to add that yourself.

4. Keep reminders of your successes throughout the year. It’s really hard to sit down with a form in December and remember what you did well back in March. Instead, keep a file throughout the year of things that go especially well, kudos that you receive from coworkers and people outside the organization, and notes about things you might want to do differently next time. When it’s time to write your evaluation, you’ll have a whole file of material to work from.

5. Treat the evaluation process as a discussion, not a bureaucratic exercise. This is a good opportunity to talk with your manager about where you see things going from here. Are there new skills you want to learn or new responsibilities you want to take on? What does she think the path there might look like? Or, are there changes you’d like to make to next year’s goals or things you’d like to happen differently in your relationship with your manager? Don’t pass up the chance to take a step back and take about these bigger-picture issues that often get overlooked in the rush of day-to-day work.

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when job searching, where is the line between admirable and annoying persistence?

by Alison Green on November 16, 2012

A reader writes:

About two and a half weeks ago, I submitted my application for a customer service position at a company that I really admire. It’s the kind of company that seems altruistic in its business practices, and besides the perks the company describes for this position, I feel as though at the end of the workday I’d feel good just doing the work itself.

A little over a week after I submitted my application (and after hurricane Sandy raged through the area), I noticed that a member of the hiring team visited my Linkedin.com profile. I didn’t receive an email or phone call, so after another week had passed, I reached out to him personally through Linkedin Inmail and formally introduced myself, stated that I was still interested in the position (mentioning that I understood that after Sandy businesses were still trying to get back into their workflow), and offered to meet for a cup of coffee or maybe an interview so that we could discuss why the company and I would be a good fit.

A few days later, that same recruiter visited my page again. It’s been a couple days since he viewed my profile, and I still haven’t heard anything. I’m no stalker or try hard, and the last thing I want to do is give off the impression that I’m desperate. I truly feel as though getting this job would be a career changer for me, and I know based on my experience, skills, and what the company says its looking for that I would be a great asset to the company.

My question is, how persistent should I be in trying to secure an interview with this company? Common sense tells me not to call or email every day (I’d hate it if someone did it to me), so that’s not a concern. Does an email a week sound reasonable? Should I switch up tactics and contact another employee to see if I can secure an interview that way? Or should I just sit on my hands and wait? If so, how long?

I guess I’m trying to find that fine line between admirable and annoying persistence.

For most hiring managers, there’s no such thing as admirable persistence. Unless you’re in sales, we’re not making interviewing or hiring decisions based on who is or isn’t persistent. We’re making those decisions based on who’s most qualified, and one has nothing to do with the other.

That means that an email a week is way too much. After applying for a job, you can reach out by email once … although many hiring managers, myself included, feel that even that is unnecessary and slightly annoying. After your one email follow-up — which I don’t even recommend unless you can’t control yourself from doing something — do not continue to follow up. At that point, you’ll have expressed interest twice (your initial application and your follow-up). They know you’re interested. If they want to talk to you, they’ll contact you.

You cannot make them contact you by repeatedly asking them to, and if you try that, you’ll annoy them — just like you’d annoy anyone by making repeated overtures without an expression of interest in return. (And the hiring rep’s visit to your LinkedIn page wasn’t an overture back. It was simply a “let me see who this guy is.”)

And no, do not start contacting other employees. You’ve contacted their hiring team twice now. If you start contacting others trying to find another way in the door, you risk looking overly aggressive and like you don’t respect their decision-making process (which, uh, you don’t, apparently), and you risk alienating them completely.

Again, employers aren’t looking for candidates who stand out by being persistent (except in the sales field). They’re just not. They’re looking for the strongest candidates, the ones who show the strongest track record of excelling at what they need … and that’s something your resume and cover letter will convey, not your follow-ups.

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terse answer Thursday — 7 short answers to 7 short questions

by Alison Green on November 15, 2012

It’s terse answer Thursday — seven short answers to seven short questions. Today, you got a huge bonus, your mentor is sabotaging you, you have a language question, and more. Here we go…

1. Is my mentor sabotaging me?

I’ve been at my large company for a year and a half, in an entry-level position. Early on, another young employee in a different department took notice of my drive and intelligence and offered to mentor me. She helped me immensely with tailoring my resume and practicing interviewing skills. Since that time, I’ve also received attention and praise from various employees of much higher rank.

Recently, my mentor has seemed increasingly stressed out, and I realized through her Facebook posts that she’s redirected her own career efforts into my intended field. She has said some dramatic and potentially manipulative things to me about my career development: “Don’t keep in touch with that contact, he hates ambitious young women,” or, “Why do you think it might be that I heard someone say you’re pushy?”

Our contact has been less and less, but I’ve heard credible rumors that she’s told my managers to “keep an eye on me” (my managers are supportive of my goals). I’m not worried about my position in the company–I’m told I should expect and offer on a specific opening by Christmas–but I can’t imagine how to act around my former mentor. I’m still grateful for the help she gave me. I don’t want to burn bridges. But I think she tried to manipulate me, and I just want to know how to maintain a graceful distance.

I see two options: (1) Simply distance yourself from her. Be polite and reasonably pleasant when you see her, but don’t initiate contact and nicely turn down overtures. Thank her for her past help, but nicely decline future help. Or (2) talk to her about it. Explain what you’re observed and ask what’s up. I like #2 because it gives her the chance to explain and apologize if she hasn’t intended what you’ve perceived, and it gives you the chance to nicely assert yourself.

2. Should my employer pay for my time in the class they recommended?

My employer asked me to go to school to update my computer skills. The program recommended was during my regular work hours. Do I include the time spent at school when completing my hourly invoice this month and be compensated for time missed at the office? (Yes, they are paying for the class.)

Ask them! It’s a perfectly reasonable question, as long as you phrase it the way you did here. If you’re non-exempt, they might not pay for the time, but since they recommended the program, it’s not crazy to inquire.

3. Final paycheck after being fired

I was terminated on a Monday, after working the full day, but I was a salaried employee. Is the company responsible for paying me for the week? The flip side is that my paycheck showed up in my bank account, then the company had the deposit reversed the next day and the bank charged me a fee for the reversal. So I have not been paid at all.

While exempt employees need to be paid their regular salary in any week where they work at least part of the week, this isn’t true on their first week or last week. So your company isn’t violating the law in paying you only for the day you worked on your final week (but they need to pay you for that day within a certain number of days determined by your state law). Ethically, they also should reimburse you for the bank fee; it’s worth asking them to do that.

4. Thanking my company for a generous bonus

Foremost, I love my company. I’ve worked my way up the ladder here, and enjoyed being a part of many different facets of this organization. I am proud of what we do, and what we stand for. The owners come from my home state, and built the business here. Since then, it’s expanded nationally. The “office” is still in that home state, though, and there’s about 30 of us here. At this point, we’re growing faster than our current office can handle. The owners decided to sell a portion of the company to an investment capital firm (more for the managerial direction than the payout).

The day the agreement went through, the owners called us up to give a “thank you” to the people who made the deal possible. And the “thank you” was a massive bonus check. 25% of my healthy salary. Needless to say, I am shocked/grateful/amazed. The guys didn’t need to give us a huge bonus, or be so generous.

What is proper to show my appreciation? That I think this is such a great thing for them to have done for us? That I feel like a part of this team even more now?

That’s awesome. I’d send them a note, not focusing exclusively on the bonus but instead talking about how much you enjoy working there and why. Mention the bonus as one sign of how well they treat their employees — but make it more of a broader appreciation (with specifics!) than a thank-you for the bonus; that’ll have the most meaning to them.

5. Who should I send my application to when I’m not applying for a specific opening?

I have shortlisted the agencies and companies I would like to work for and I am getting ready for applications. My resume has been updated and looks good, I am drafting several cover letters for the different potential employers. It is almost time to press the Send button. My question for you: In case of applications that aren’t in response to a specific posting, do you address the application to the HR department or to the person in charge of the team/ unit you would like to be part of?

I guess that directors and managers don’t have the time to deal with entry-level candidates, but on the other hand, I want to be part of THEIR team working on THAT subject and introduce myself directly. Or could I send it to both?

Send it the director or manager of the team you’re interested in, and cc HR. And be sure to explain why it is that you’re interested in their team and that subject. That’s going to make your application more powerful.

6. How can you hide your youth on job applications?

What do you do when job applications ask for your work experience (and ask you to explain gaps) when, if you are young like me, 10 years ago you were in middle school? How do you provide sufficient work experience without tipping the hiring managers off to your age, which could give them the opportunity to discriminate against you based on age?

Being in middle school isn’t a work gap! That’s not a time when you were a working adult. Just give your work history as far back as it goes, and there’s no need to explain anything before that.

Hiring managers will usually figure out that you’re relatively young if you’re relatively inexperienced and/or graduated recently. You can’t really do anything about that.

7. Workers’ comp or workman’s comp?

This has been bugging me for a while – is it Worker’s Compensation or Workman’s Compensation? I always thought it was Worker’s, but several people have told me it’s Workman’s, which seems dumb. Which one is it?

It used to be workman’s comp, which is why you’re hearing that. But it’s now workers’ comp (according to the official title of the program) and has been for a while, as a recognition of the fact that it’s not only men who use it. Obviously, though, like any language change, you’re going to find that it takes some time to spread and people don’t all switch overnight.

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everyone is goading me into speaking badly of my hated boss

by Alison Green on November 15, 2012

A reader writes:

I recently gave notice at the nonprofit organization where I have been the development director for almost 5 years. The CEO is an abusive and seriously unstable person whose bizarre rages and outbursts have driven out a lot of employees and even led a few donors to withdraw their support. He has a reputation around town as an awful person who happens to be very good at running this organization, so he gets a pass for his behavior. It’s a uniquely terrible dynamic and it’s the only reason I’m finally leaving a job I otherwise love.

Now that I’ve given notice, my business contacts, our board members, even random other community leaders have been openly talking to me about how horrible the boss is — saying things like “I don’t know how you lasted that long” and “I wouldn’t work at your office for 7 figures” and “you’re leaving because of him, aren’t you?” and so on. Some have shared (shocking) stories with me of their own run-ins with him. I feel extremely uncomfortable with these conversations. My ultra-professional responses are greeted with mocking skepticism; we all know I’m being disingenuous but I would never speak ill of my office or my boss (to say nothing of flamboyantly complaining and telling colorful stories about him) to our own sponsors and board members.

This question has an “easy” answer (just be gracious and professional and keep your mouth shut!) but I am finding it very difficult and sometimes I even feel like I’m being goaded. How do you advise I handle this situation?

You already know the answer: Be gracious and professional and keep your mouth shut.

It’s not that you’re obligated to protect your horrible boss; you don’t owe him that protection. Instead, it’s that speaking badly of him — especially while you’re still employed by him or soon after you leave — will reflect at least a little bit on you. You might think that it won’t, since you’re talking to people who clearly dislike him themselves and who are opening the door for you to speak badly about him. But that’s the funny thing about badmouthing someone: Even when the people you’re talking to are doing it themselves, it still affects your own image.

Wouldn’t you rather be known as the classy person who worked for a jerk and handled herself with discretion and tact than the person who started badmouthing him as soon as she got away?

Furthermore, there’s no need for you to “out” this guy in order to protect others from him or simply to truth-tell, because the truth about him is already known. He has the reputation he deserves. There’s no need for you to set the record straight; it’s already straight. (Obviously, if you’re talking to someone who’s considering working with him, that’s different; in that case you’d have a discreet but honest conversation with them.)

And really, no one can force you to get drawn into a bash fest if you don’t want to. When you encounter skepticism in response to your professional responses, say, “I’m sure you understand you’re putting me in a difficult position” and then change the subject. (You can also add “He’s challenging, but…” in front of that response if you want to.)

One exception to this: your board members. They are this guy’s boss, and they shouldn’t be shielded from what his employees experience. So when you get comments from them, it’s perfectly appropriate to say, “If the board ever wants to hear from employees about those problems, I’d be glad to talk with you in that capacity.”

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my company has started an annoying initiative involving health and religion

by Alison Green on November 15, 2012

A reader writes:

I work for a large employer in my city, and we are an international company. Lately everyone at this worksite has been getting emails about the Blue Zone Project (which describes itself as “a community well-being improvement initiative designed to make healthy choices easier through permanent changes to environment, policy, and social networks”). The last email came on Friday from a local HR manager and was pushier than the others, as apparently HR wants us to be certified as a Blue Zone Worksite (which the program describes as “empowering employees to be happier, healthier and more productive by creating healthier work environments”). I was annoyed about this but let it go for a few days, until today when HR employees were passing out literature promoting the Blue Zones Project in the cafeteria during lunch.

Rule No. 8, Community, is the most concerning. The website reads: “All but five of the 263 centenarians interviewed in the original Blue Zones® areas studies belonged to some faith-based community. It doesn’t matter if you’re Christian, Buddhist, Muslim, Jewish or another religion. What matters is that you attend regularly and truly feel part of a larger group. Research shows that attending faith-based services four times per month will add 4-14 years of life expectancy. If you already belong to a group, great! If it’s been a while or you aren’t sure where to start, try asking friends and neighbors for their suggestions or search for additional information online.”

The research is dubious enough, but this is just an advertisement for organized religion! That my company’s HR department feels it appropriate to promote religion offends me as an atheist and as a person who lives under the U.S. Constitution, which grants freedom from religion as well as freedom of religion. Also, apparently it does matter if you’re Muslim or of another sect that prohibits consumption of alcohol, because Rule No. 6, Wine at 5, tells you to drink one or two glasses of wine every day. Surely this large workplace also has a few recovering alcoholics who struggle every day to stay sober, who may feel it insensitive to start a workplace health initiative that incorporates alcohol use.

Should I bother voicing my objections to this particular initiative? If so, how? I thought about replying directly to the latest email, but I wasn’t sure how much detail to write about why this is inappropriate. I do not feel safe bringing concerns to my Crazy Boss (another issue altogether!).

Yes, please do. These sorts of programs are often implemented without much thought, and they need to hear from people who object to them.

For what it’s worth, because you work for a private employer and not the government, they’re legally able to promote religion in the workplace, as long as they’re not violating federal laws on religious accommodation and harassment. (And based on what’s in your letter, they’re probably not violating any laws — harassment needs to be “severe and pervasive” in order to meet the legal test.) The U.S. Constitution protections apply to what the government can and can’t do, but not to private employers.

But just being legal doesn’t mean something is a good idea, and this one isn’t. Most employees have no interest in — and are often offended by — having their employer tell them what lifestyle to live. You don’t need your company’s guidance on what you drink or how you do or don’t practice your faith (or lack thereof).

Speak up. Personally, I’d send your head of HR a note saying something like, “I don’t know if you realized that these materials prescribe specific religious practices and also encourage drinking alcohol — two things that many people are likely to be made uncomfortable by having recommended to them in the workplace (Muslims, recovering alcoholics, atheists, and people who consider faith to be a private matter, for starters). I hope we can reconsider our participation in this program.”

And if any coworkers feel the same, encourage them to speak up too.

This is the hallmark of an HR department with a fundamental misunderstanding of how they can best spend their time.

Read an update to this letter here.

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