Ask a Manager

It’s four answers to four questions. Here we go…

1. My coworker won’t answer my boss’s questions

I work for a very small department within a bigger group. I have one coworker (Jane) and a boss (Amanda), and the boss also manages about eight others who are in a bigger department. My role is small and there is not much to do for one person, let alone two. Amanda is a poor manager, but not why I am writing in.

Amanda will frequently request meetings or ask other questions to me and Jane via Teams, but Jane only ever responds with a “thumbs up” reaction, even if the question requires a response. Amanda does not acknowledge a thumbs up as a response, which I truly think is because she doesn’t understand it rather than passive aggressively ignoring it. This leaves me to have to respond for us both, which I find frustrating. We don’t share an office, so it’s not easy for me to say, “Oh, Amanda just messaged us. Could you respond for us both” or something.

Similar things will happen when we have a meeting just us three, in that it basically turns into a conversation between me and Amanda with Jane just sitting there. We have had meetings where Jane literally did not say a word. Since then, I will wait to answer a question directed to us both so Jane will speak, but she never will. I have prompted her by saying, “Jane, what do you think?” and then she will say something, but it feels weird to do that every time.

Since I am not her supervisor I don’t feel like I can address this, but I hate it! It makes me feel like I’m working with a ghost. I believe it bothers Amanda too, based on some comments she has made, but she isn’t a good enough boss to address it. Is there anything I can do? Or is this just one of those things I should try to not let bother me?

Yes, this is ultimately on Amanda. But you could say to Jane, “When Amanda sends us questions, I’m usually the one who answers — could you jump in more often so it’s not always on me?” And from there, keep nudging her: when Amanda sends you both questions, if Jane isn’t responding, message her and say, “‘I’m swamped — could you reply to Amanda?”

Also, any chance Jane’s thumbs-up means “I see this and am acknowledging it, and will respond when I am able,” but because you’re jumping in she doesn’t get the chance? It would be interesting to simply wait a few of those times and see if she ever comes back to it. And if she doesn’t, then what happens? If it means no one responds, it might force Amanda to deal with the problem, whereas now she doesn’t need to because she’s getting what she needs from you. (Think of it this way: right now you’re volunteering to do Jane’s share of the work because you’re a conscientious person. That’s allowing Amanda to avoid stepping in. If you stop doing Jane’s share of the work, it’ll be harder for Amanda to avoid.)

You could also say to Amanda at some point, “I’ve noticed that I’m generally the only one answering your questions and I’d like to split the workload more evenly with Jane, so I’m going to hang back in the hopes she’ll take more of them.” And who knows, that might start an interesting conversation with Amanda about what’s going on, or at least nudge her to manage the situation more proactively.

2. “Hey girl”

I’m a mid-career professional and am a senior executive at a large global company where I run my own department.

Over the past couple of years I’ve noticed that other women within 10 years of my age (31) in either direction will address me — and each other — very informally via email. Things like, “Hey girl,” “Hi gal,” or even “Thanks girly,” etc. I find this deeply grating. It’s not an issue of gender identity (I’m a cisgender woman and present as such); it’s just annoying and somewhat infantilizing, especially because as a relatively young woman in a senior position, I’d rather not make myself appear younger than I already do.

I understand that this is a friendly signal and a way to create intimacy over email. I’m not a psychopath, I promise: I don’t think corporate communication needs to be dry or dusty. I just despise being addressed as “girl” or “gal” in this manner, especially by people I’m not actually friends with outside of work. I’d simply prefer to be addressed by my name.

I’m struggling to find the words to respectfully convey that I’m not receptive to this form of address without seeming like I’m the absolute worst. The last thing I want to do is come across like I’m policing other people’s language, and I certainly don’t want to destroy any friendly goodwill between my colleagues and I. If these were my subordinates, I’d simply state my preference and move on (and advise them not to address others outside of their name in writing at work, particularly in a gendered way). But because these are people across all levels, external and internal to our company, from other departments, I’m not sure what the best way forward is. Any advice on navigating this?

You could say, “I have a pet peeve about ‘girly’ — just Jane, please!”

But realistically, there will probably be clients or people who are senior to you where you’d be better off just rolling with it, especially if you say that once and it continues. You’ll have to judge it relationship by relationship.

3. My office mate comments on all my phone calls

I share an office with a colleague about whom I could write any number of cringe-inducing AAM letters, but I’ll try to focus on one issue at a time. Whenever I take a phone call, whether work-related or personal, she asks or comments about what I talked about, and it’s driving me insane. Because I’m pregnant, it’s not always feasible to take my calls elsewhere and, logistically, I have to continue sharing an office with her for the foreseeable future.

The content of the call does not matter to her. She always finds something to remark on, and I hate it. It could be a work call in which I let another team know about a mistake they need to correct, and she’ll comment on how they should have seen that already. Or I could call my husband to confirm that we’re meeting for our ultrasound appointment at 10, and she’ll want to know if he goes with me to all of my appointments. I think she’s just trying to establish some kind of rapport with me, but she’s doing the exact opposite.

I’m not on the phone much (a total of about five minutes a day, at most) or discussing anything highly personal or confidential, but I hate having to explain or expand on what I was just talking about to someone who is not (and shouldn’t be) involved. For now, I’ve been trying to give her brief non-answers and put my headphones back on as quickly as possible. But do you have a script I can use to ask her to stop?

“I know we’re sitting right near each other and can overhear things, but would you mind not commenting on my phone calls, and I’ll do the same for you? It’s easier to share space if we have some illusion of privacy, I think.”

4. Hurricane might be delaying interviews

I’m in an area that was mildly affected by Hurricanes Helene and Milton. Think high winds and flooding, but no reported deaths and minimal property damage.

I’ve recently applied to several jobs and while they’ve marked that I’ve been flagged for interview, obviously everyone is more concerned about returning to regular operations after the storm than prioritizing hiring. Is there anything I should do in this situation other than wait? If I’d already spoken to someone directly, I’d probably have sent an email wishing them well and confirming their timeline, but since I haven’t I don’t think I should (especially since flagged for interview might not mean that I’m definitely getting one).

Nah, leave it alone and assume they’ll contact you if they want to move forward at some point. I agree that if you’d already talked to someone, it would make sense to send a short email noting that you realize things might be delayed because of the hurricane but that you hope to talk whenever they’re ready to move forward. But since you haven’t had contact with anyone there yet, treat it like any other situation where you’ve applied and it’s in their court.

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Am I being too old-fashioned about how I schedule calls?

I work for a mid-sized media company. My job includes emailing people outside of the office to set up a time for me to interview them for content that I write. I keep an old-fashioned paper calendar, and I prefer phone calls over Zoom or Teams.

Increasingly, I’m asked to send a “calendar invite,” or if the interview will take place over Zoom or Teams. I don’t understand why Zoom or Teams is preferable to the phone; personally I don’t want the added stress of having to fiddle with technology. Also, my transcription program works best off a phone call. Is it okay for me to say that I won’t be sending a calendar invite, and that I prefer a phone call? So far, I’ve gotten my way, but I’m worried that I sound rude, stubborn and old-fashioned. Or should I give in?

Start sending calendar invites. You’re asking people to do something for you, and you should make it easy for them to do; since a lot of people have told you they want calendar invites, send the invites. They’re asking you to do it because it will save them time, and it’s in your interests to have it on their calendar. You can continue using your paper calendar to track your own stuff.

But it’s fine to keep using the phone. People are asking if it’s Zoom or Teams because so many work calls these days are, but that doesn’t mean they care if it’s not. They also might be asking so they can be prepared if you’re planning on video. It’s fine to say, “It won’t be Zoom or Teams; I’ll just give you a call on your regular number then.” Alternately, it would also be fine to say, “My transcription program works best off a phone call, so I’ll call you at (fill in number) then.”

2. Expecting presidential candidates to release medical records

I’m a (long-time) UK reader. It’s been in the news over here that Kamala Harris has released her medical records and that there’s a lot of criticism for Trump that he is refusing to release his.

Leaving aside the particulars of these two candidates, as a UK reader the expectation to release private medical records to prove you’re fit for a job seems … problematic at best? It’s not something that we would ever expect of our political leaders. I’ve been wondering how it impacts others in the workplace — say if one of them was diabetic or needed ADHD medication to be at their best, could that lead to the average person being judged for the same? Even though that wouldn’t be legal. Would the same be expected for a CEO of a massive multinational? And what about Supreme Court judges? The list goes on.

I’m really curious what you/your readers think about this practice in general (again, leaving aside the particulars of these two candidates as no one needs that in the comments!) and whether it has any impact on the average person.

It’s a practice specific to presidential candidates; it’s not something that’s expected outside of that one very specific situation.

Presidential candidates aren’t required by law to disclose their health information, but modern day candidates — until Trump — have done so anyway. The idea is to assure voters that they don’t have significant health problems that could interfere with their ability to carry out the responsibilities of the office or to serve a full term. The tradition started after questions were raised about whether Ronald Reagan’s Alzheimer’s had begun affecting him while he was still in office. (Of course, earlier history is full of examples of candidates and presidents who didn’t disclose medical information, like John F. Kennedy and, famously, FDR.)

Given the uniquely consequential responsibilities of the job, I’m fine with the practice. That said, disclosure should be restricted to factors likely to affect a candidate’s judgment or longevity in the role. Dementia is relevant; a Valtrex prescription is not.

3. Anonymous feedback said my enthusiasm can seem too aggressive

I recently received feedback in a performance evaluation (from an anonymous source) that my enthusiasm is great but can be taken as aggressive by coworkers and I need to be mindful of how others perceive me.

This has been puzzling to me because I am not someone who speaks up very much at all and when I do, I make an effort to be kind and clear in my communication. I rarely speak up in meetings and, if I do, it’s through chat. My interaction with coworkers is strictly through Slack and Zoom chat. Those interactions consist of asking questions to management, providing feedback to management (which they have thanked me for and made changes), or notifying coworkers that a customer reached out for them. These communications are through direct messages, not in the meetings, and it is mostly when asked unless I see a problem that is not being addressed that I feel they should be aware of. Sometimes I participate in team-building activities with my camera on and speak up but barely.

I use a lot of exclamation marks? I’m very puzzled by this feedback. What are your thoughts? Is this something I need to work on?

Anonymous feedback without any contextualizing by your boss is pretty useless. Did your boss indicate whether she also sees this as a concern? Or is she just passing along something she hasn’t personally seen without knowing if there’s any merit to it? If the latter, this could be one weird outlier person who doesn’t represent anyone else, and it could be feedback that’s nonsensical, baseless, or simply not worth acting on.

So can you go back to your boss and ask for her perspective? Say you took the feedback seriously but can’t figure out what it’s stemming from, and if changes are needed you can’t make them without understanding what’s happening, and ask for a couple of examples of where you’re coming across as aggressive.

4. My company wants me to share its posts on my personal LinkedIn

I have been at my job for two years in a junior role. Our senior management team is a huge fan of using LinkedIn to connect with clients. In particular, one member of that team will often share links to LinkedIn posts in my department’s Slack channel asking us to like, comment, and reshare with our network. They have also encouraged us, in business strategy meetings, to leverage our personal LinkedIn accounts to build our own “personal brand,” as well as promote the company.

Although I have an account, I despise LinkedIn, and mostly keep my profile up in case I need it for any future job searches or networking. I also am not a big poster on social media in general — I probably post on my personal Instagram account four times a year, and that is the only social media account I actively post on.

I don’t mind liking or commenting on company posts if asked, but I really don’t want to reshare posts onto my personal account, especially since I very rarely post any of my own content. Perhaps complicating things further, this job is in an industry that I don’t see myself in long-term (although nobody there knows this), so I don’t particularly want to build a huge LinkedIn presence in this industry.

I’ve mostly managed to fly under the radar with this, but there have been a couple times recently where this manager has mentioned me by name when asking people to reshare the post. Is there a graceful way to opt out of using my personal LinkedIn account for my company’s business purposes?

There are some industries where LinkedIn is so inherently a part of the work that it would be unreasonable to refuse to do this (for example, recruiting, some forms of PR, or LinkedIn itself). But assuming you’re not in one of them, they’re welcome to ask people to share posts, but you should be able to decline. That’s your social media, not theirs.

The easiest way to deal with it is to just keep ignoring it. If you’re mentioned by name when the request is made, nod and make a note on your to-do list and then … just don’t. If you’re directly asked about it in a more serious way, feel free to say you never use LinkedIn or even that you haven’t been able to log in the account recently.

5. When a business contact dies mid-project

In my job, I’m often the only connecting point between organizations — a combination of my clients, colleagues, vendors, regional stakeholders, etc. Recently, a project missed its deadline because I couldn’t get ahold of my contact, John, at a regular vendor, Acme. He had known we would need to be in heavy communication in the runup to a Friday deadline, but he stopped responding to emails or answering phone calls on Thursday, and we couldn’t finish the project without his input.

Over the weekend, I happened to get dinner with a friend who used to work at Acme. I mentioned that we’d blown a deadline, and that it was really unlike Acme to leave us hanging. My friend asked who I had been working with, and when I told her, she told me John had died on Wednesday night! She’d only heard about it that morning, and it sounded like it had been very unexpected and, understandably, things were chaotic at Acme in the wake of things.

I spent Sunday stressing about how to reach out to Acme. I worked with John a few times a year, and we weren’t close, but I respected him and was sad to hear the news. I could imagine that this has been really hard on Acme’s team, and wanted to express my condolences. But I also had my client and other stakeholders breathing down my neck to get the project done, and I was unsure what to say to them in the meantime. John was a department head, so I wasn’t really sure who to reach out to, either. Luckily, my friend had sent some of her old Acme contacts a heads-up, so someone reached out to me first thing Monday morning with an explanation, an apology to send to my client, and a new point of contact. I was able to just respond with condolences and thank them for their help.

But if I’m ever in this situation again, what’s the etiquette around someone’s death? Is there a script for when and how to reach out after hearing the news? Who do the messages go to? And if I hear that someone has died, is it fair to discreetly share that with someone like my client, as an explanation for the delay?

It would be fine to reach out to any other contact you have there and say something like, “I was so very sorry to hear about John. He was (insert something personal here about what you valued about John/the relationship, if possible). He was working on X for me; when we missed the deadline Friday, I hadn’t known what had happened, but now of course I understand. I’m so sorry to bother you with this right now, but when you’re able, would you let me know who I should be in touch with about the project? I understand it may take some time to sort out.” Depending on the context, you could add that if they’d like you to look for non-Acme resources for completing the work so they have time to sort out what will happen from here, you can do that.

It’s fair to share the situation with your client; most people will be a lot more understanding of delays in a situation like this than if they’re left in the dark.