Ask a Manager

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Manager waits until the last minute to assign work

I was hoping you could weigh in about whether this particular management habit is actually bad, or if my judgment is clouded by other unprofessional behavior by my boss (I won’t go into detail, but includes a lot of emotional manipulation … kind of like the work equivalent of “love bombing” and then icing me out when she’s upset).

My boss tends to assign most things with a one-day turnaround (review this doc, create this slide deck, etc.) in addition to our regular workload/projects. Some of the tasks are small, but sometimes they are more involved. I’ve read enough of your blog to know that a boss has the authority to say, “I need you to reprioritize XYZ and work on this other thing.” However, I think what really bothers me is that none of these tasks are “surprises” — this was work that she knew would need to happen weeks ago, and she just waited until the last minute to delegate it. If it were me and I was asking for same-day turnaround, I would lead with something like, “Sorry to throw this at you last-minute, but could you help me out today by editing the llama report?” Is this just a distinction without a difference?

It’s not a distinction without a difference! What your boss is doing is bad management. By waiting until the last minute to assign things that she had plenty of advance notice of, she’s creating unneeded stress and urgency in your work, as well as risking that something important will end up not getting done on time. (What if you were out sick that day? What if something else urgent comes up that also needs your attention?) Mostly, though, it’s the stress — it sucks to plan how to allot your time that day and then have it blown up for no real reason. It’s natural that things will sometimes come up at the last minute and people need to roll with that, but when your manager is causing that to happen when she could have avoided it, it’s reasonable to feel aggravated and like she’s not on top of her own job. (I think I’ve told this story here before, but early in my career a coworker and I were so frustrated by a manager who did this that we created a whole official workaround — we installed an inbox outside her office door and announced that other departments who wanted to send us assignments needed to fill out a work order and put it in the box … and then we just took incoming work orders out of the box and assigned them to ourselves, thus cutting her out of the process entirely. She was so hands-off that she didn’t care.)

You’re also right that your boss should be acknowledging it when this happens. Even if she were to say, “I’m sorry this is last-minute; I’ve been so tied up with X that I missed that they needed Y by today,” I think you would feel better than when she doesn’t acknowledge it at all.

2. Do I have to say yes to giving presentations?

I (they/them) am an individual contributor whose role is in operations and written communication like website design and content creation. I am also currently the chair of our organization’s Justice, Equity, Diversity, and Inclusion (JEDI) committee.

I see a lot of opportunities for staff to better support our members by improving written communication. So, I volunteered to do a short internal training on the topic during a standing professional development slot our department has. It was well received.

I was also asked to give a presentation on cultural competence and implicit bias for a program we run for our members. I asked a few other people if they would be interested in doing it, but none took me up on it. So, as the committee chair, I felt obligated and gave the presentation.

I also created a training on using people’s correct pronouns that I presented for our JEDI committee, mostly because I couldn’t find a pre-existing training that adequately covered the topic. It was also in part selfishly motivated: I am the only non-binary person at work and felt like the staff needed training in this area.

Here’s the sticking point: I don’t like giving presentations. I only recently found some workarounds that let me get through them without having a panic attack, and 90% of the reason I think I do okay is because these are virtual.

While there are some times I must do public speaking in my role, these projects are extras. Coworkers are asking because they need speakers for their deliverables, which is obviously a big task, but there’s no reason I must be the one to do them. I have done them because it felt like they were needed and wouldn’t happen if I didn’t do them.

Now I’m getting asked to do presentations left and right. I was asked to speak on a panel at our annual conference, I’ve been asked back to do the cultural competence training again, and I just got another email asking me to do it for another audience entirely.

I feel like people are asking me as a first choice, not a last resort. I’m glad they have found my presentations valuable, but I don’t want to give them all the time. My supervisor would support me however I wanted to handle this, and I have been candid with my close coworkers about my dislike for public speaking (they have responded by telling me I am a good presenter). Is there a way to say “I will help if you are down to the wire and absolutely don’t have anyone else but please don’t ask me otherwise?” or am I stuck just saying yes now that it seems like I’ve set that precedent? Do I need to just start saying blanket no without throwing a lifeline?

You’re not stuck doing it because you did a few and people liked them! You can switch to a blanket no if you want to (“I was willing to do a few earlier but I don’t have the bandwidth to keep doing them”) but if you’re willing to do it if they try other people first and only come to you as a last resort, you can say that too. For example, you could say, “I prefer not to present and don’t have the bandwidth for all the requests I’ve been getting, so would you look for someone else? If you absolutely can’t find someone, let me know — but even then I can’t make any promises.” Include that last part because otherwise some people will just come back to you without having put in any real effort to find alternatives.

Obviously this would be different if presentations were part of your job, but they’re not and your boss sounds like she’ll back you up on whatever boundaries you set.

3. Can you refuse to work night shifts if you have kids?

A few years ago, I worked at a company that needed coverage 24 hours a day. We worked in three eight-hour shifts: day, evening, and night. Scheduling was always a bit of a mess at this job: shifts canceled at the last minute, being called in at the last minute, time off suddenly rejected days before it was due to be taken after being approved months earlier, etc.

The biggest thing that I’m still curious about is how they determined who worked evenings and nights. One coworker who refused to work evenings or nights because they had a kid. I understand it’s hard to manage childcare and emergencies/unexpected things come up, but it felt a bit unfair to be constantly expected to work evenings/nights in their place.

I just wanted to know in jobs where it’s expected you’re going to have to work nights, is it normal for employees to flat-out refuse? Is it more acceptable to refuse if you have children? Can an employer penalize you for refusing?

It’s reasonable for an employee to have some schedule restrictions, and it’s really common not to be able to work nights for a whole variety of reasons (kids are a big one, but not the only one). However, if working some night shifts is a core responsibility of the job, that should be discussed explicitly during the hiring process — and if a potential employee can’t work that part of the schedule, that needs to be worked out before they’re brought on board.

Of course, other times something might change after they’re already on the job — maybe they suddenly have a kid when they didn’t before or their scheduling needs change. In that case, the employee should raise the issue (“I’m not able to work nights because X”) and the manager should figure out what makes sense for the team. In some cases they’ll be able to work around that schedule restriction and in other cases they can’t. I wouldn’t look at it as an employee flatly refusing, though; it should be a process of “here’s what I can/can’t do” and “here’s what we, the employer, need” and figuring out if there’s a way to make those things work together. Sometimes you can and sometimes you can’t.

In your case, it sounds like working some nights was a job requirement, and your coworker not being able to do that meant that other people got stuck with more than their share. That’s on your management; the onus was on them to either figure out a way to make it work without unreasonably burdening other people or, if they couldn’t, to explain that to her and even to part ways if it was insurmountable. Telling everyone else it was a job requirement while excusing one person because she had kids — and then, crucially, not taking openly about how this all worked and what accommodations might be available for others if they ever needed them — was a recipe for resentment.

(To really give you a full answer, I’d want to know how it was handled if someone without kids ever said they couldn’t work nights. If your employer was really deciding based solely on kids/no kids and turning down any non-parents who needed an accommodation — without having hired with the explicit plan that X number of people out of Y were being hired for day shifts only — that’s much more of a problem.)

4. Does it mean anything if companies keep not filling my job after I leave?

I have noticed that over the last six years, my role has not been filled after I left at at least three jobs. I had a series of unfortunate career detours: one time the new department boss blew up our entire organization and most of the people quit within six months (I was one of them), once I was contracting with a company that was going to convert me to full-time but then Covid happened so they rescinded my perm offer, and one time a major organizational shift led to me looking for something new and then that new thing ended up being a complete mismatch on both sides.

I’ve kept in touch with coworkers from each of these roles (even the disaster) so I’ve heard all the gossip and goings-on from them. And at least three of these roles have not filled my role even years later. I don’t have any insight into what’s behind this so I’m left to wonder if I did such a bad job in those roles that they felt it wasn’t worth it to fill with someone else?

Very unlikely! Typically when companies don’t refill a role it’s because they’ve decided the workload isn’t there to support it, or there’s a financial crunch, or priorities have changed, or they’re distributing the work of that role across multiple people’s plates. If the issue was that your work sucked, they’d still want the work done after you left. So what you’re seeing is something about their own internal set-up, not a response to your performance. (For it to be about your performance, you’d have to be doing bad work and have somehow demonstrated that there was no point in someone more competent doing it either.)

5. Giving notice when my boss is going on vacation

I’ve been in my job for two years and I’ve grown increasingly unhappy here. A couple months ago, I saw an opportunity to do similar work for an employer more aligned with my values and interests so I applied.

I’m pretty sure I’m going to get the job. (Don’t worry, I’m not giving notice until I’ve received and accepted an offer.) I’ll find out either way by late next week, which will give me just enough time to work out two weeks before I go on vacation. The problem is that my boss will be on vacation for those two weeks. If I give her my notice on Friday that will be the last time we see each other.

We don’t really have a management structure (she would hate to be called my boss in the first place; one of the reasons I’m trying to leave) so there’s no one above her to go to in her absence and no one to facilitate a smooth transition of my duties.

I don’t particularly like it here and I don’t particularly like her, but I do like my coworkers and I don’t want to leave them in the lurch with my departure. Is there a way around it or do I just have to bite the bullet?

If that’s the way the timing works out, that’s the way it works out. It’s not ideal, but sometimes that’s just how it happens and people deal with it.

If you want to, given the timing, you could offer to be available for one (only one!) transition-related call after you leave. You don’t have to, but sometimes offering that can make you feel better about things.

You could also start an outline of transition items now, so that you have it ready to discuss with your boss on the one day of overlap the two of you will have after you resign; having that ready to go could help make the most of that time.

By the way: Make sure you’ll still be able to take those two weeks of paid vacation that you’re counting on! Some employers would have your last day be your last day in the office and not cover the paid vacation if you’re not coming back afterwards. If you’re in a state that requires them to pay out your unused vacation time when you leave, this won’t matter. But if you’re not, be aware there’s a risk that they’ll end your employment earlier.

I’m off for the long holiday weekend. Here are some past letters that I’m making new again, rather than leaving them to wilt in the archives.

1. My boss is making threats about the Mafia to me

My manager has on several occasions issued indirect threats, for lack of better wording. There have been several times over the last two years, but this past year has been awful and to the point that I’m having difficulty trying to do my work.

In January I did mess up badly and tried to fix it. I should have brought it up but didn’t feel comfortable because of the “shoot the messenger” culture here, unless you are a select few who can get away with anything. My manager told me a story about a former business partner who sued for monetary compensation and later approached the manager and his spouse while they were out shopping and confronted them about the lawsuit and there were accusations of lying. After telling me this story, his next words were, “I told him to never approach us again. You don’t mess with the mob.”

The most recent event was after we disagreed on something that would have resulted in heavy fines for the business if discovered. We were at a stalemate, so I asked another manager for an opinion. My supervisor was livid and told me to never go to another manager again over our issues. A few weeks later, we were headed to a conference, alone in the same vehicle, and this time I was told, “You shouldn’t piss off people with connections.” It was the manner of speech, body language, and the tone with which the words were spoken that sent chills through me. This individual isn’t known for being highly ethical, but I never thought staff would have intimidating comments directed at them.

I’m job searching and am fairly certain my manager is going to push to have me let go. We don’t have an HR department and I don’t think going to another manager will help. Our company is less than 30 people with three owners. Any advice until I find another job/they fire me?

Your boss is an incredible ass. But unless you have real reason to fear that he’d sic the mob on you — which seems fairly unlikely, unless you’ve seen evidence to the contrary — I’d internally roll your eyes and ignore the remarks. The type of person who makes this type of comment is usually someone who wants to appear more intimidating than they actually are. And dropping comments like “you shouldn’t piss off people with connections” into work-related conversations is so far beyond the line of reasonable behavior that you can just write this guy off as a complete buffoon. (I’d also be tempted to respond to any future threats by playing dumb and asking, “What do you mean?” and seeing how far he’s willing to go with this discussion.)

Alternately, you could just say directly, “Bob, it’s hard to have a work conversation with you when you threaten me with mob connections. Do you really mean that you’d like to have someone break my kneecaps over a work issue?” I tend to think that directly calling out ridiculousness will often put an end to it.

– 2015

2. My new coworker is acting like she’s my manager

I am a writer at a small digital marketing agency (less than 20 people) and a new person was just hired as a “senior copywriter and digital strategist.” This would place her above me in the hierarchy, except we don’t have any real hierarchy … and she doesn’t have the writing experience to be a senior copywriter. And my boss told me before she was hired that he wasn’t trying to make someone my manager. Except, she is acting like my manager. She is often checking in on projects I’m working on and wants to meet every afternoon to see where I’m at. She hasn’t been here for a week yet!

I have a feeling the owner of the company has told her that she is in charge and then has told me that there is no hierarchy just so he can avoid confrontation. It also is highly possible that I’m just reacting badly to having an authority thrust upon me after several months of being my on my own and managing my own projects. And I don’t think I would feel this territorial if I knew she had writing experience and could actually mentor me. I know she doesn’t have the experience and instead I’m feeling micromanaged.

I’m trying to let go of feeling territorial and welcome her to the team. She is very nice and I like her as a person. I want to sit down with her and basically define our work relationship because it’s increasingly frustrating to not know exactly how we are supposed to interact. But I’m not sure how that conversation should go. Do you have any advice for me?

Talk to your boss first! Tell him that you’re getting the sense that your coworker thinks she’s supposed to be managing you (and be specific that she’s checking up on your projects and asking for daily status meetings about your work) and that you want to confirm with him that that she’s not in fact your manager before you talk to her. If he’s actually told her that she should manage you, this will hopefully prompt him to tell you that yes, she’s actually supposed to be doing these things. (And if that’s the case, boo to him for not telling you that earlier.)

But assuming that he says that no, you don’t report to her, then you can talk to her and say something like, “Hey, I normally manage this stuff on my own and report directly to Bob on my work. I checked with him to make sure he doesn’t want to change that and he confirmed that it’ll continue that way.” You could add, “I’ve gotten the sense you’re interested in me updating you on my projects the way I might with a manager, so I wanted to make sure there wasn’t any confusion there and you know I report to Bob.”

It’s also possible that she knows she’s not your official manager but thinks that as the “senior” copywriter she’s supposed to be in a sort of team lead role (and your boss may have told her that). If that turns out to be the case, there’s room for you to talk about what you would and wouldn’t find helpful (for example, you might propose a weekly meeting instead of daily ones, and if there’s something she could do that you’d welcome — like running interference with Bob or with clients — this is a good place to mention it and it might redirect her energy in a way you’ll be glad about).

– 2018

Read an update to this letter here.

3. I’m embarrassed that my employee paid cash at a business lunch

One of my employees embarrassed me at a business lunch. When it came time to pay, everyone took out either their own credit or debit cards or their company one. My employee paid with cash with exact change and also left a cash tip. When I spoke to her about it, she didn’t see what she did wrong. There were four other people from different companies at this lunch. My employee said she doesn’t have a debit or credit card and uses cash exclusively. I explained this is not acceptable for business meals and events, but she says she will continue using cash only.

She is different, she is under 25 and does not have social media or any internet presence and when her name is searched for nothing comes up. She has a landline and no mobile phone and she doesn’t own a TV or any kind of streaming service, and when she isn’t job searching she only checks her email once or twice a week. But she doesn’t see why using cash a business meal or event is a faux pas or misstep. As her supervisor, am I able to mandate her to use an electronic payment? She has refused all attempts so far and says she won’t change.

What?! I am baffled by why you think it’s not okay for her to pay in cash. It’s perfectly fine for her to pay in cash, it’s not unprofessional or a misstep, and it’s super weird that you’re telling her that it is. Let her pay in cash if she wants to, and leave her alone.

And stop judging her for her all the other stuff in your second paragraph too — none of this is a problem.

– 2017

4. I just found out I’m interviewing for a job with my coworker’s wife

I’m a corporate communications professional working for a start-up in the tech industry. The company I currently work for is not the best fit for me, and I’m currently interviewing for a new job.

A very exciting opportunity has come up at one of the major tech companies and I’ve been asked to come on site to interview with one of their communications teams. It turns out that the head of the department is the wife of a vice president at my current company. The last thing I would want is for anyone at our company to find out, especially this vice president (he’s a good person and we work well together). Should I remove my candidacy from consideration before the interview? Will she keep the interview confidential? What’s the best way to handle this situation?

Ooooh, that’s tricky. If she weren’t his wife but just someone he knew, I’d say that you could try explaining that you need to keep your job search confidential for now and ask for her discretion. But if she’s married to him, I just wouldn’t be comfortable trusting that she wouldn’t say anything. Maybe she wouldn’t — but a lot of people share things with a spouse that they wouldn’t otherwise share. And even if it she doesn’t share it at this stage, it’s really likely that she’d ask him about you at some point before hiring you; it’s hard to imagine someone hiring a spouse’s colleague without ever asking the spouse about the person.

I think you’ll have to decide if you’re willing to take the risk of him finding out or not. If you’re absolutely opposed to risking it, then you may need to withdraw — which really sucks.

(To be clear, she shouldn’t tell him. Interviewers should always keep people’s job searches confidential, and it’s tremendously unfair that you even have to worry about this. But people do sometimes violate that confidentiality, especially when they have a much closer relationship with the person they tell than with the candidate. It’s not okay, but it happens.)

– 2018

It’s four answers to four questions. Here we go…

1. Space heaters and thermostat wars

I am a manager and wonder if this problem should be dealt with or left alone. I have three staff members in the office, including myself. I keep the thermostat set at 74 degrees during the scorching summer months. The side of the office with all staff offices has reasonable ventilation, but the vents on the other side where the conference rooms are do not work as well, so that side gets warmer. I feel that the setting of 74 degrees is the best setting that makes the whole office comfortable at the same time, even though the conference rooms in the afternoon can get too warm. Some days 74 feels chilly to me at my desk, so I bring a cardigan or blazer to keep warm on those days. Another staff member gets hot flashes and keeps a fan on at her desk while wearing a sleeveless dress. However, the third employee freezes to death and keeps her space heater on all the time during the summer.

I am happy with everyone doing what they need to stay comfortable. However, the employee with the heater creates a warmer environment throughout the office, not just her space. I have explained to her that it is uncomfortably hot and she needs to close the doors to her space so we aren’t all getting warmer. Sometimes she does this and sometimes she doesn’t. I have also asked why she hasn’t brought a sweater or something to keep her warm, which she replied she is trying to look cute. She wears sleeveless dresses, which is appropriate summer attire, but all the while she is freezing and uncomfortable in a 74-degree office.

How much of this should I let go and write off as her just keeping herself comfortable, and how much of this is inconsiderate enough that I should address it more directly with her? And if I should address it, should I implement strict rules regarding space heaters? If I do that, must I also implement strict rules regarding desk fans when it gets to be winter?

Office temperature wars are notoriously unwinnable given the wide variability in what people find comfortable, but I lost all sympathy for your employee when she refused to bring a sweater or something with sleeves because she’s “trying to look cute.”

It’s completely reasonable to tell her that being allowed to use the space heater is dependent on her keeping her door shut, and if that continues not to happen, you’ll have to ban its use. Explain that you support her doing what she needs to do to be comfortable, but it can’t be at the expense of people who are already too hot. (The same would apply to fans in the winter if that comes up.)

You might also want to check with your facilities management about space heaters; it’s pretty common for them to be banned entirely because of safety concerns.

Read an update to this letter. 

2. Coworker’s allergies are driving me mad

I work in a cube farm, with the normal problems of being able to hear other people’s business at all times. One of the women seated near me has pretty bad allergies — she’s constantly sniffling and snorting and blowing her nose, and when I say “constantly,” I mean “rarely goes more than five minutes without making a kinda gross noise I can clearly hear.”

I ran into her in the restroom once, soon after she moved to her current desk, and said something like “Oh, that sounds like no fun, did you have a cold?” (I was not accusing her of coming into work sick; it’s common enough for post-nasal drip and whatnot to persist after you’re no longer contagious.) She said no, it’s allergies, it’s really terrible this time of year. I said something about how my mother recently had to go on allergy meds and I feel for both of them, and my coworker replied that she doesn’t take her meds at work because they make her drowsy.

And … okay, but the rest of us are having to listen to you snort all day. And our conversation about seasonal allergies happened in early February, i.e. nearly two seasons ago, so I’m starting to wonder what to do about this. I feel bad for her! She’s not doing it deliberately, obviously, and drowsiness is a very common side effect of allergy meds. But this is making for a notably unpleasant part of my everyday work environment and there’s a limit to how much I can wear headphones. Remote work isn’t a possibility (and I wouldn’t want to do it even if it were).

If it makes a difference, I have a few other coworkers who are also bothered, so it’s not just me personally having a sensitivity to this issue.

I get why it’s distracting and unpleasant to hear, but I would try to move away from the idea that she should be doing something differently. It’s understandable that she doesn’t want to take medicine that will make her exhausted at work. This sucks, but bodily noises are part of working around other people — you can’t really avoid it. (If it’s any consolation, which is probably isn’t, the situation is almost definitely worse for her.)

3. My coworker smells like weed

I work in a healthcare setting, and we hired a new front desk receptionist a few months ago. So far she’s friendly, good at her job, and I like her a lot! However, there are days (not every day) when she comes back from her lunch break and absolutely reeks of weed. I’m pro-legalization and of the belief that what you do off the clock is your own business, but my concern is that she’s in a front-facing job and patients approaching her desk to check in/out would smell her. There are also times where I can tell she’s stoned based on the way she behaves. As far as I can tell, she can still do her job, but if I’ve been able to notice then patients might have too.

I think I may be the first employee to become aware of this because my duties carry me back and forth to different areas of our clinic, so I stop by her desk several times a day. I don’t know whether or not upper management has smelled her yet. I have some perceived authority since I helped train her and my desk is in the management office, but on paper nothing I say has true weight behind it. I’m also pretty non-confrontational, and don’t want to seem like a busybody by tattling on anyone.

What’s the best course of action here? Is there a way to drop hints to her that she smells without causing embarrassment? Should I bring it to management, and if so, how?

If you don’t want to address it directly with her, you could just say, “Whoa, it smells like weed out here — do you smell that?” That doesn’t say that she smells like weed but she’s likely to get the message and, one hopes, take steps to avoid it happening in the future.

Alternately, though, you could just talk to her discreetly and say, “Hey, you’ve smelled like weed after lunch a few times, and if a patient ever notices it could be a big problem. I don’t want you to get in trouble and I figured you didn’t realize.”

Read an update to this letter.

4. Book recommendations for work

I’ve been involved in a few (not mandatory) book clubs at work, which got me wondering: What are some work-related books that are worth reading? So many seem to be written from positions of extreme privilege or with an attitude of “I did it so everyone else can too,” which is rarely the case.

Let’s throw this out to readers. People with suggestions, please include why you’re recommending the book you’re suggesting.