Ask a Manager

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Telling a new employee he’s not cut out for the job

I began managing a new team last month. The team is very green — over half graduated less than two years ago. In the last two years, this department only had a manager for nine months, and by all accounts she was completely unqualified. I was brought in as an experienced manager to provide technical oversight / development.

My field is one where you get a pretty generalized degree, and then choose a specialty that you receive on-the-job training for. It’s pretty easy to change specialties for early career folks.

One of my new direct reports, Tom, has … zero to negative natural talent for his chosen specialty. I know it’s pretty harsh to say that about someone I just began working with, especially one who has not received adequate training. But I have worked with a lot of early career people in this specialty, and he stands out as one of the worst of all time. Past interns have grasped core concepts and tools more quickly.

I’m not saying he’s not smart! He is! I can see ways he would be a great fit for other specialties, including available jobs within our company. But the more I talk through tasks with him, the more I realize that his brain is just not wired to understand this particular job. It’s like trying to explain to him that an apple and a snake are nothing alike … over and over again, with diagrams, while he grows increasingly agitated that I don’t understand they’re both smooth-skinned and therefore interchangeable. (He definitely has a touch of “defensive know-it-all-ism.”)

On the one hand, I just want to spare him. I can tell he’s really frustrated and burned out, working 10 times harder than he should have to on basic tasks. His teammates are thin on patience and try every trick to avoid being paired up with him. His peers in other departments don’t trust his advice and constantly find ways to circumvent him. I think it’s a disservice to lay out a training plan and have both of us invest significant effort into improvements that are unlikely to ever materialize, when the gap is so fundamental. On the other hand, I have no idea how to look an exhausted and low-confidence young man in the eyes and say, “You’re not going to make it here, why don’t I help you find a different job you’re a better fit for?” Especially since I suspect he will be so reluctant to “fail” that he will just double down on learning this job, now dragged down by the knowledge his manager doesn’t believe in him. What would you do?

Whether or not you can do this depends on whether your company’s internal policies will let you, but I’m a big fan of just having a really honest conversation along the lines of, “Here’s what I’m seeing. Your strengths are X but this job requires Y. In my experience, it’s very hard to move from where you are to where you need to be in the amount of time we have available, and I would recommend we instead think about other roles in the company that would be a better fit. If you don’t want to do that, the next step would be a formal improvement plan, which would mean ___. If you choose that path, I’ll try my best to help you succeed, but I want to be up-front about the concerns I have and the path I think would play more to your strengths in the long run.”

Related:
alternatives to firing

2. Off-site activity excluded me even though my boss knew about my disability

I am just home from a week of travel for work abroad, meeting both my own team and agency partners I work with.

The final evening of our trip was a secret planned event. As a disabled person (I have MS and have functional limitations in my leg muscles and use a cane), “secret” is not my favorite!

Ahead of traveling, I had a 1×1 over the phone with my boss (we live in different countries, but have met several times) to remind him that I’m not able to do a lot of physically activity, have difficulty with stairs, etc. so will need to, for example, take direct taxis instead of trams. He said of course and all was positive.

The final evening arrived, we were given a location to meet at, and when I turned up, it was a boat. With 10-12 steps to get to the dock, and then a ladder to get down into the boat. And while I may have awkwardly made it in, there was zero chance of me getting out of that boat with any dignity.

So I excused myself. And it was mortifying. The boss tried to convince me to go, got the organizer to try and find another boat, asked the driver if he could help (he offered to help lift me, which was so much worse). This went on for 15 minutes while my entire 25-person team looked on with pity, and I was overwhelmed with embarrassment. I put all my effort in to convincing them all I was fine on my own and they should go just so I could retreat to the hotel in utter shame. I missed out on the culmination of our week-long session, during which they announced we had won an award and had a champagne celebration. The next day my boss hugged me goodbye, looked at me with pity, and said sorry. And that was it.

What do I do? I will travel again. I missed out. I fear this experience has hurt me professionally. I shouldn’t have been put in that situation to begin with. I really am lost on how to manage. Any suggestions?

Oh no, I’m sorry, that never should have happened. And when it did happen, your boss and the organizer should have handled it differently, and then your boss should have followed up with you to let you know what will be done differently next time.

Absent any of that … do you have HR you can talk to? There’s no way to undo what already happened, but you might be able to ensure future events are more thoughtfully and inclusively organized.

I do emphasize to say that you aren’t the person who should be embarrassed; your boss and the event organizer should be, and your team should be irate with them, not pitying you. There’s nothing here that warrants shame on your side; you had medical needs that you disclosed ahead of time, and they should have been met. The embarrassment is on your boss and the organizer, not you.

3. Former supervisor blasts music from his cubicle

My former supervisor recently moved to a new position, and with that came a move from an enclosed office to working on the floor in a cubicle. Typically the office has been pretty quiet, as most of us are working on data requiring concentration. Unfortunately, my former supervisor apparently enjoys working with background music and blasts a collection of country and classic rock throughout the day from his cubicle! It’s highly distracting, and my noise canceling headphones are no match.

He is no longer under the “jurisdiction” of anyone working in the office, and our staff-supervisor relationship was challenging at best. I feel unable to say anything, nor do I want to, but am finding myself unable to concentrate and feeling angry as a result. I just can’t understand how anyone can think forcing the entire office to listen to their music all day is reasonable, and it’s seriously impacting an already shaky relationship.

Is this something I could reach out to a manager about, or am I being petty?

You’re not being petty. It’s generally considered rude to blast one’s own music around coworkers, unless everyone agrees on (a) having music in the first place and (b) general selection parameters. The fact that he’s doing this in a quiet space where people are trying to concentrate makes it worse.

Ideally you’d start by saying something to him yourself — for example, “Could you turn that down? It’s making it tough to focus.” Or, “Could you please use headphones? I’m having trouble focusing.” If you don’t want to do that because the dynamics around him being your former supervisor, any chance one of your other coworkers would be willing to?

But it’s also reasonable to ask a manager to handle it for you, and it’s okay to say, “I feel awkward about asking him myself since he was previously my manager.” They might suggest you say something yourself first, but they also might just handle it for you.

Related:
my coworker tries to drown out my music with her own

4. I’ve heard horrible things about the manager my company is considering hiring

My department has been without a manager for nearly a year. Applicants are scarce, because of massive time expectations and a frankly lowball salary. But my grandboss has finally interviewed someone they think is qualified, and I’m going to be in on a staff interview this week.

At this candidate’s last job, she happened to manage a few people I know from outside work. I reached out to these friends to ask what they know about her. Everything I’ve heard back has been shockingly negative.

It’s not just that her performance was bad and she micromanaged everyone to death. They’re also telling me stories of outright discrimination. Multiple staff members there went to HR with complaints of abusive language and racial slurs. The accusations were substantiated but she apparently resigned before being punished.

Obviously I don’t want to work for this person. But how can I report the problem to the hiring team in a believable, professional way? I don’t want them to ignore these issues. I worry they might hire her anyway out of desperation, because they have so few other prospects.

As a last resort, I suppose could confront the candidate about that situation in the staff interview. But because this person might end up being my manager, the power dynamic there makes me hesitant. I would need to stay on under her leadership for weeks or months while looking for a new job.

Relay what you heard to the hiring committee! That’s incredibly relevant information, and I’d be horrified if someone knew those things about a candidate I was considering hiring and didn’t tell me. Of course, be clear that you haven’t worked with the person directly and are hearing these things secondhand, but also be clear that you’ve heard it from multiple people whose judgement you trust (assuming you do). The framing you want is a matter-of-fact, “Jane Warbleworth has worked with several people I know and trust, and they’ve shared XYZ with me, which I thought I needed to pass on to you.”

Stress the discrimination and abuse more than the micromanaging; micromanaging can be in the eye of the beholder (and can sometimes be warranted in the short-term if an employee is struggling), but it’ll be hard for anyone to think “well, maybe the racial slurs and forced resignation weren’t so bad.”

5. Returning to my maiden name after a divorce

I recently got divorced and am now unsure what to do about my name. Personally, I’ve changed back to my maiden name. But I’m not sure how to handle it professionally. It was easier when I got married several years ago to explain it with, “I got married.” That’s a pretty positive one for people to respond to. But now? I’m happy to be divorced, but it’s a more complicated one for people to respond to. I’m hesitant to change my name at all because of it. What’s the way forward here? I work in construction and don’t have a lot of women to talk to about it.

“I’ve changed back to my maiden name, Mulberry, so am now Cressida Mulberry.” That’s it! Handle it exactly the way you would if you’d changed it for any other reason. Some people may ask if you got divorced, and you can just be breezily matter-of-fact if they do: “Yes, we split up earlier this year. I’m fine! Just going back to Mulberry.” You don’t need to get into it more than that.

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. My coworker does extreme sports whenever she’s out sick

I have a coworker, “Pattie,” who has a remote work accommodation due to a mental health diagnosis. For the past year, she has been chronically late to meetings, missed deadlines, and been difficult to reach. This would already be bad, but to make matters worse, she insists on leading projects (for example, creating and facilitating a presentation for over 50 participants) and on the day of, ends up being a no-show without advance warning!

Pattie has a public social media account where she posts all about the extreme sport she is involved in (for anonymity, let’s say she does BMX). We’ve noticed that during times when she was “sick” or a no-show, she has posted videos of new bicycle tricks, or videos from international BMX competitions (not surprising we can’t reach her when she is apparently hours ahead of our local time). She also appears to have a sponsorship for knee pads, which she posts about as well. Infuriatingly, we are city employees, so she’s using taxpayer dollars to subsidize her budding career as a BMX influencer.

As you can imagine, morale on our team has been abysmal. One of us recently left, I am next (yay), and more are on their way out. I’m leaving, so this question isn’t about my personal sanity, and more about what advice you would give my manager. My manager is a decent person, and was really manipulated by Pattie, so she didn’t understand how big of a problem this was until the resignations started pouring in. Reading between the lines, I am pretty sure that my manager went to HR and HR said that there isn’t enough evidence to take action against Pattie (bureacracy!) What is the right thing for a manager to do in this situation when she’s completely shut down by HR? Is there any way to restore morale on the team, or is it too late?

The law that requires companies to make accommodations for medical conditions doesn’t say “the employee can do anything they want because they have a medical condition.” It says that they need to be offered reasonable accommodations if those will allow the employee to perform the essential functions of her job, and if the accommodations don’t cause undue hardship to the company. I can’t speak to Pattie’s job specifically, but in many, many jobs meeting deadlines, remaining reachable, and not no-showing without warning would be considered essential functions of the job that she’d still need to meet.

Moreover, if she’s definitely lying about being sick, that’s a separate problem; medical accommodations don’t let someone lie to get additional time off. To be thorough, I want to note that it’s possible that Pattie isn’t lying about being sick — for example, any chance she’s posting those videos on her days off but they were made at an earlier time? — but I’m guessing you have enough info to know that’s the not the case, and the competition dates are presumably public.

Ideally your manager would work with HR to clearly define the essential responsibilities of the role and lay those out for Pattie, and to make it clear what they can and can’t accommodate and what the consequences will be if XYZ doesn’t change. But if you have incompetent HR that doesn’t understand the law or their jobs, as well as higher leadership that allows HR to obstruct managers, they may be nothing your boss can do other than to leave herself.

2. Can I ask to skip a performance review?

I’ve been pretty miserable at my job for the past few months, and while I know I need to secure a new position, I don’t have one yet. I am considering just quitting at this point, because the stress is making it really hard to job hunt while also doing my job (this is extremely dramatic given that it’s not even a bad job, I’m just a really really bad fit for it).

I have a performance review coming up (which sure is not going to be positive!), and I just can’t do it. I am going to cry the whole time. Is there any way I can gracefully request we NOT go through this process which will be painful for me and a waste of time for them?

Probably not, I’m sorry! If you had resigned and had an end date set, almost definitely — few managers will think there’s any point in going through the performance review process at that point, unless your job has a truly frightening level of bureaucracy that would require it anyway. But otherwise, you can’t really say, essentially, “I don’t want to talk about how things are going or where I need to improve” (which is the point of the process).

3. Bringing in puzzles to a new job

A few months ago, one of my coworkers started bringing jigsaw puzzles into our break room and it’s been a fun little lunch activity! I generally go out to eat and come back to the office with about 30 minutes of lunch time left, and before then I spent it in my cubicle because I felt a little awkward sitting in the break room when I wasn’t eating anything.

Now, I’ll spend it working on the puzzle, and if another coworker comes in, we generally both work on it together and chat a little. It’s nothing major, but I feel like it helps to give us a topic to talk about, and it’s nice to use your brain for something else for a little bit. It seems like everyone else either enjoys it or doesn’t mind it.

It got me thinking about how this probably won’t be the culture at the next job I work at … but it’s not like it’s a super entrenched part of ours, you know? It only happened because one coworker started bringing them in, and he’s neither a manager or someone who’s worked here for a particularly long time. So my question is, when is it okay to be that coworker?

I think any time as long as you’re not brand new. I wouldn’t do it in your first month while you’re still learning the culture and people don’t know much about you yet — that risks missing some cultural cues that might have changed your plans if you’d caught them, and also risks looking a little too “I have just arrived but this is now my home and I will shortly be moving in a chaise and 20 spider plants” … but after you’ve been there a few months, go for it.

4. Can I ask my assistant to check in with me before she leaves?

I have what I think is a simple question about respectfully managing my assistant, Elsa. Elsa is a hard working, organized, and generally delightful person. The year I’ve worked with her has been a dream. She works an early schedule and leaves/signs off (hybrid office) at 4:30. I tend to start later and also work late because I’m a disorganized lawyer. In general, this works well — I send her a bunch of stuff in the evening and by the time I get in, she’s got it all done. However, there are times when I need something same-day, and often I don’t clock that 4:30 mark until she has left. Is it reasonable to ask her to check in with me around 4 everyday, just in case there’s a thing I’ve forgotten to ask for, or is this a me problem that I should learn to figure out on my end?

It’s reasonable to ask your assistant to check in with you every day at a certain time; that’s a thing that often gets asked of assistants. I think you’re hesitant to ask because your self-image is that you’re disorganized and you feel like you should overcome that without transferring any of the burden to her, but any good assistant would want to know that this would be helpful to you. It would be trickier if she weren’t your assistant — although even then you could ask it in a lot of cases as long as she reported to you — but in this case it’s an easy yes.

Is 4:00 early enough though? I might bump that to 3 or 3:30 to ensure she has time to complete whatever you might ask for without displacing other things she was planning for that time.

5. How long should you keep paperwork from an old job?

I’m in the background check/employment verification stage of a new job. They need a record for jobs in the last 10 years. One of my jobs from that period was for a company that has since been acquired by a huge company with headquarters out of my home country and I can’t get in touch with anyone there. Luckily, I still have my offer letter from that role, and that was an accepted form of verification. But I’m a digital packrat. For those people who like to delete things, how long should you keep official paperwork from old jobs like paystubs, offer letters, etc?

Ten years is the most typical look-back period for employment verification. That doesn’t mean that you need every paystub from that period, but you should have something verifying your employment for each job, which could be an offer letter, one paystub per year, a year-end payroll summary if you got them, or so forth. You don’t have to do this, but it can make your life a lot easier if you do.

It’s four answers to four questions. Here we go…

1. We’re supposed to say grace at the start of team meals

I work in government. Fairly new to job, first time in government. Been in private sector and higher education before this. Every time my department has a group meal, they say grace. Led by either the director of the department or the staff member who is also a pastor. This is weird, right? I’m an atheist. We have at least one other on staff who practices a religion other than Christianity. In nearly any workplace this would be weird, but again, I work for THE GOVERNMENT, which makes it even more uncomfortable. Having group staff grace where it’s expected everyone is just fine with this is not inclusive, not considerate, and seems highly problematic. If you personally want to say grace over your meal, have at it! But the expectation of everyone participating or acquiescing and it being led by the director?

If I were to report this to HR or even our EEO, I know it’d get traced back to me for pretty obvious reasons (I am definitely the odd one out in the office on any number of things), and I can imagine it becoming something people will “jokingly” comment on … which again, isn’t a welcoming work environment. I don’t know what to do, or if I should do anything, but every time it happens I continue to just think “WTF.”

Yes, this is weird and inappropriate. It’s also not terribly uncommon in some parts of the U.S. Any chance you’re in the south? Surprisingly, it’s not illegal even though this is a government employer; government meetings are permitted to include prayer as long as they don’t force anyone’s participation in it (Supreme Court, Town of Greece v. Galloway, 2014).

Whether or not to say anything is really a personal decision; you need to weigh any likely blow-back and how much you care about that against how much it bothers you, especially as a new person.

If the director and/or pastor seem like decent people, you might have better luck talking with them privately rather than complaining to HR (since it’s not illegal) and asking them to reconsider the practice. A lot of people don’t realize grace isn’t some sort of non-denominational religious practice and think of it as almost secular in nature; it’s possible that by explaining that it’s not, you could get some traction (and even more so if you’re joined by any other coworkers who feel similarly).

Related:
I’m a public employee and the governor pushes religion at work

2. Is it unethical to automate people’s jobs away?

I’ve recently been lucky enough to snag the kind of job I’ve been looking for over months — relatively stable part-time data science work, which is very rare. Currently this is a side hustle, but eventually this could allow me to quit my full-time job and stay at home with my kids more. I am also going to learn a lot on the project that I’ve been assigned to and pick up some very desirable skills.

Here’s the problem. I am certain that the AI project I’m working on will eventually lead to other part-time workers losing their jobs, or at the very least reducing their hours. I am positive that the work people are doing by hand can be done really well by AI, and I’ve been hired to implement it. My project manager isn’t so sure — she said it’s a boring task and that whole “I want AI to do the dishes and not make art” tagline I’ve seen on social media — but she’s older and I worry she’s naive about the impact this can have. But maybe I’m younger and naive about the speed of change in public sector contracting.

I am a religious person, and the idea that I may be taking away part of people’s livelihoods is haunting me. But this work absolutely will be done by somebody eventually, and for me it’s my dream job. Is it unethical to do this kind of work?

I can’t answer that without more details about exactly what you’re going to be working on. But ultimately it doesn’t matter what I think about it anyway; it matters what you think. From the oil and gas industry to law enforcement to lobbying and on and on, people have all kinds of jobs that someone else might not feel ethically comfortable with, and many of our actions (both at work and not) unavoidably leave footprints in the world that we might prefer not be there. At the same time, many types of progress that we generally feel good about mean that some types of jobs are left behind as things evolve. (We don’t have knocker-uppers tapping at windows anymore either, although most of us consider alarm clocks an improvement.) But we all draw our lines in different places. You need to figure out where your lines are and what you will and won’t feel good about. I know that sounds like a cop-out, but it’s really so, so individual.

All that said, though, I’m not sure your project manager’s response quite gets at your concerns. Just because it’s a boring task doesn’t mean that people won’t suffer if they’re displaced from it.

3. How can I find out if my vacation time will be paid out when I leave?

My question is about how to give notice when it’s unclear whether banked PTO will be paid out—and there’s no way of finding that out without giving up the game.

My company is very small (nine employees) and does not conform to a conventional (or, really, any) organizational structure. HR is handled by one of our two owners, and by “HR” I mean stuff like dealing with benefits, payroll, and resources. I have virtually no contact with this guy, so it would be highly irregular for me to ask him anything — and all but an admission that I am looking to skedaddle if I asked about a possible PTO payout. There’s no other person I can ask who (A) would know the answer and/or (B) I can trust. (My state does not require vacation payout, so it’s up to individual companies.)

Normally, I’d not sweat this issue: I’d just give my two weeks and either be pleased that I got a payout or bummed that I didn’t. But — malcontent alert! — I am one of three employees who are still on board after launching this company as a startup 11 years ago, and in that time I’ve had ZERO raises despite the fact that the company has been increasingly profitable. Add to that some other cultural/role issues, and my inclination to be charitable here is … right in line with my raises. I’m not sure I’d be comfortable giving two weeks’ notice, learning that I was not going to get a payout, and then just cashing in (some of) my banked time to serve out those weeks. But I’m not sure I wouldn’t. Do you see some option or alternative I’ve overlooked?

Any chance you’re in touch with anyone who’s left who could tell you how it was handled for them? With such a small company, that might not be an option — but that’s one thing to check if you can.

Otherwise, I’d be inclined to simply ask when you resign whether vacation time is paid out. It they say it’s not, you can say, “Ideally I’d like to set my final day for November 6 (or whatever) but if that means I’ll lose all the vacation time I’ve accrued, I’ll need to take it before I leave since it’s part of my compensation.” Do be aware that some companies have policies against taking vacation time during your notice period (especially a big chunk of it as opposed to a day or two) so it’s possible that could become a point of contention — but it’s a reasonable stance to take, and you can try negotiating from there.

4. Am I cheap for seeking mileage reimbursement for business dinner travel?

I’m wondering about mileage reimbursement. Maybe six or so times a year, I have to drive about 60 miles round-trip for business dinners. These aren’t client meetings, but meetings for my professional organization city group. Very much a networking thing on behalf of my firm. I always put in for mileage reimbursement, and my firm gives it to me without questioning, but I’m wondering if this is a “cheap” thing of me to do. Is the mileage cost something that I should just eat?

Nope, you should continue submitting for it. It’s a business expense, not a personal one, and it’s not cheap to expect your company to cover the costs of business activities, as they’ve been doing.