Ask a Manager

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are three updates from past letter-writers.

1. My new hire said I should have told him about my maternity leave before he arrived (#2 at the link)

When I wrote initially, I was still reeling from the conversation with the post-doc. He had an exit interview scheduled with my department chair the next day (standard, when someone wants to break their contract) but he no-showed, and to the best of my knowledge he left the country with the lab laptop. (That’s a story, we had IT lock it remotely when he no-showed, then bricked it a few days later because of the confidential data it had on it).

I now think that he wasn’t happy for a lot of reasons and simply selected one that he thought would get the most sympathy. The department has regular seminars and socials, and while the department tends to slew positive in its topics of discussion, a slow trickle of stories emerged from the grad students about outsized reactions he had had to things that upset him. He was uncomfortable when something administrative (from getting his staff card to how campus food service works) differed from the way it had been at his previous institution. He hated things he considered “nanny state” like mandatory daytime running lights and the fact that he was required to be part of a union.

I know some of the commenters recommended not hiring another post-doc before leaving on mat leave, but it is/was an industrial partnership and the company wasn’t going to wait. We hired someone new who started in May; we had several months together to get her up to speed and then she ran with it. The new post-doc spent another 2 months getting ready on campus, then went off to work the next 12 months on the project at the industrial partner site.

She never came back to campus – she’s still on the project writing up her second manuscript, but she’s being paid more than me now as a full-time employee, is off the grant, and we’re hiring again.

Personally, my daughter is amazing, she’s adjusted to daycare. I’m grateful I got the year to spend with her. I’m also grateful now to be able to go to the restroom during the day without her crying for me. My lab manager kept things ticking along while it was gone, and while I couldn’t completely disconnect (that’s just not the way academia is set up), I probably didn’t spend more than 8 hours or so a week on things and it was manageable. It’s been a transition back to full time work (daycare pick up to dinner to bedtime is such a rush EVERY DAY), but we’re doing well so far.

2. Can I ask my assistant to check in with me before she leaves? (#4 at the link)

I asked a question about whether or not I should ask my assistant to check in with me before she leaves for the day. The advice was great, including those who were concerned about big tasks being requested right at the end of her day. Well observed!

Anyway, funny thing happened: daylight savings. It started being dark at 4:20, jolting me into my end-of-day routine. I realized I didn’t so much need to see Liza at the end of her day, I just needed something to sort of wake up call or – wait for it – AN ALARM. I appreciate the support for what I was considering, but I am likewise grateful for the commenters who helped me realize that the actual issue was one that is much better served by technology than adding a meaningless task to Liza’s day.

3. Should I try to grow in my current job or leave for more money and more PTO? (#4 at the link)

Thank you so much for answering my question in June. And thanks to everyone who gave great advice and empathy in the comments. I was totally occupied all day and never got to read comments while I could still respond. But I appreciate everyone!

My update is good. I decided to go for it, in terms of applying for the job that appealed to me. I moved fast and got it. I turned in my notice at work as soon as I signed the offer letter.

The pay increase was substantial. The benefits are better. And the PTO was exactly what I hoped for.

That doesn’t mean it is easy. This pivot has been hard. I’m a novice again. But it’s totally different than I was in my previous job. I request help and get it. I need support, I can find it. And it’s all just a better fit for me. The problems I solve on a daily basis are exactly in my wheelhouse and I find exciting. I’m confident that I can solve problems and when I can’t, I don’t feel embarrassed to ask for help, even if I need to ask repeatedly. I know I’m a professional and that if I have a deficiency, it is in my boss’s interest to help me fix it. I guess that’s to say that my deficiencies are places I’m going to grow, not places I’m worthless. There’s so much satisfaction in both the big picture mission and the day to day work.

Thank you for the own encouragement!

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are five updates from past letter-writers.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

1. My soon-to-be-ex manager wants to be my friend … I’m leaving because of him

Right before my departure (and a week after you posted my letter), Joe threw a surprise going away party for me — despite me repeatedly asking and stating that I did not want a going away party. Fortunately, my work colleagues (who also discouraged Joe from doing this) gave me a heads-up. I was pretty pissed off as the party continued. It was really a celebration of how great Joe’s management is since I got a huge promotion… and I couldn’t have done it without him … So I took your advice immediately!

Our last 1:1 was scheduled following the going away party and the topic was my experience in the department. So as we started, I shared (paraphrasing): “I am deeply disappointed that you did not respect my wishes related to a going away party. You repeatedly disrespected my boundaries and disregarded my feedback while working here. I do not see a reason for me to continue to share feedback, and I see no reason to continue a personal or professional relationship.” He immediately said, “Won’t you need me as a reference?” To which I responded, “I do not believe using you as a reference would be beneficial to my professional reputation.” I then shared some examples of times he disregarded my feedback. Joe was shocked and emotional — and the meeting ended in less than five minutes. I also scheduled an exit interview with HR for the same day, which is typically not done when you receive a promotion or lateral transfer.

Joe is now receiving executive coaching in coordination with HR and we haven’t spoken since. He ignores me in meetings and has chosen not to fill my old role until he does more “soul-searching” (no, I don’t know what that means either). And me? I am absolutely thriving and have never been happier. I have an incredible supervisor and a great team, and I am doing interesting work all over the state. My new supervisor has already recommended to HR that I get another raise and/or promotion next month!

To everyone who commented: I wasn’t ready to interact in the comments at the time the letter was posted (and there are a lot now!) but I read them all and was deeply appreciative. Several made me laugh and one made me cry, reading about your own experience. Your kindness and encouragement helped me confidently enter my new role. Thank you!

2. Should I bring up that our in-office rule is enforced inconsistently on our team? (#4 at the link)

I’d like to thank you and the other readers in the comments for answering my question! As a lifelong goody-two shoes/rule follower, I was overthinking this one I think, so the response really helped me come back down to Earth. Nothing too exciting to report — I resolved to go in one day a week to align with my other team mates schedule, and planned to just suck it up and come in two days a week if my boss or other upper management brought it up. No one ever did.

Unfortunately, my team was subject to layoffs last month so I’m no longer with the company (nothing to do with in-office attendance or performance, all financial). Onwards and upwards to (hopefully) all remote work.

3. How do I gracefully tell my manager I cannot take work trips? (#4 at the link)

I was able to avoid the business trip using your script and have been able to successfully advocate for my needs since then. I was actually able to skip the baseball game this year by being a little more direct with my manager — I didn’t disclose my specific mental health condition, but I did ask not to attend due to the fact that large crowds caused a degree of medical stress that would significantly reduce my function for almost a week. I offered to provide a doctor’s note, but my manager gave me permission not to attend, and said a doctor’s note would not be needed. He alerted the organizer and promised to keep the reason confidential.

Some commenters may take the same position as my mother – that I should be actively working on being able to be in a giant, open stadium with several thousand strangers without having a panic attack. My view is that going to baseball games is not generally a core requirement of software development. Sometimes, the best way to manage triggers is to understand and avoid them. However, I took the comments to heart that travel to conferences may not be one of those situations, and worked with my therapist to develop a plan that would make travel more comfortable. Things such as having a map of the conference on hand, creating a schedule ahead of time of where I want or need to be, building in time to decompress, having a “work buddy” or identifying coworkers who are safe to be around, knowing private places I can duck to if I need a moment to myself, and traveling with a partner. I have not been asked to attend a conference since then, so I haven’t been able to test this, but having the plan makes me a lot more comfortable.

Unfortunately, due to some unrelated issues I have with the company, I’m currently job-searching. I hope that I can work these issues out without needing a new job – I really like the work I do! – but there’s only so much I can control. I am eternally grateful to you and your community for your kindness and advice.

4. My drunken boss tried to kiss me but it’s been handled — what do I say to coworkers? (#3 at the link)

I did use some of the advice you gave but in the end it didn’t come up all that much. An advantage of being fully remote and a general team restructure happening around the same time that obfuscated it a fair bit.

It’s also ended up being the case that the manager has moved on from the company to another one for an entirely unrelated reason, so it’s very much no-longer a topic of conversation at all in an organic way. All’s well that ends well, I guess!

5. Can I back out of a chaotic freelance project? (#2 at the link)

I did back out of the project, wording it similarly to how you suggested. In the process, I messaged the one artist I’d started to tentatively make friends with and let her know the real reason, that I didn’t think the art show was going to happen no matter how much time everyone had to prepare and even though it was theoretically a great opportunity, I didn’t think it was worth waiting around for. She agreed with me and dropped out a few weeks afterward. In those few weeks, though, she relayed to me that one or two more people dropped, it was down to the leader and her handful of best friends, and they were gamely saying “we can do it without you, so there” even as everything fell apart.

When I saw your request for updates, I searched online – I can’t see any evidence of the art show having eventually happened. I don’t know how much drama was involved or whether it went down in sensational flames versus simply being tabled indefinitely, but leaving was obviously the right call. I still chat with my new acquaintance on social media sometimes and she seems like a great person to know in this small industry, even if she’s not a huge name, so at least I got something out of the whole debacle!

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

Remember the letter-writer whose coworker didn’t wash his hands after he using the bathroom and was pawing through the communal snacks (#3 at the link)? Here’s the update.

First of all, I’d like to apologise to the racoon population for comparing my colleague to that noble animal. Calling him a bin chicken might have revealed too much about my location.

Second, I found a solution which has pleased everyone — since the colleague in question had a strong preference for chocolate biscuits, I started adding individually wrapped mini-chocolate bars to our regular grocery order. It turns out that he likes these even more than chocolate biscuits, but now there’s enough sweet treats for everyone, and the biscuits are unsullied and safe to eat.

I wish I could say that someone in charge told the bin chicken to stop being disgusting and wash his hands, and he was so ashamed he became a model of hygiene. Alas, the world isn’t that perfect. On the other hand, thanks to the suggestions at AAM, a change in my own attitude, and a small upgrade to the kitchen facilities, the culture in my office is much improved, and one man is no longer ruining it for everyone. All we need now is for our fruit supplier to stop loading up our weekly fruit box with pears, and maybe throw in a citrus now and then, and then we’ll have achieved office kitchen perfection.

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past.

Remember the letter-writer worried they might run into the person whose life they thought they ruined at a work event? Here’s the update.

I want to thank everyone who took the time to comment on my post. I especially thank everyone who spoke with kindness to me about my situation — I obviously still hold much shame for my role in this torrid love triangle. I was catastrophizing and projecting. I assumed this incident had damaged her as much as it damaged me — and the bulk of the comments got me to actually thinking that maybe none of this was a big deal to her at all, especially not after 10 years. So I decided to let it go.

About three months after my letter was published, in a similar meeting with my boss and the same board member, the board member brought up Sarah AGAIN as a designer for the gala-that-may-or-may-not-happen in the future for the project we are working on. And he repeated the conversation almost verbatim — that Sarah had been cheated on and left the area, but came back. I finally asked him how he knew Sarah was back in the area and she said she moved back to [major city over an hour away] and was running a few designing classes at a local nonprofit (which I confirmed on their website).

After the meeting ended, I asked my boss if she had a minute. And I calmly, professionally laid out the situation of one of the most traumatizing events of my personal life — giving my boss only the relevant details, and expressing my concern over Sarah seeing me — that I didn’t know how she would react, I could remain professional, but it might be best if I had a back-of-house role if this project did move forward.

My boss suggested that we go with another designer for the project. However, I didn’t want to take any work away from Sarah. My boss reassured me by saying, “It’s not [board member’s] decision who we pick if we even do pick a designer.” She also guessed that he was so fixated on Sarah because his wife had taken private lessons from Sarah in the past. There are plenty of other designers in the area, and if we even do this project, it’s up to event staff for scheduling any designers, not a board member. And, also, we weren’t even at that stage yet.

Then she commented on me having a better catch with my husband (who everyone in my job knows and loves). She didn’t know my ex personally, but she had heard things about him based on the breakup with Sarah.

So, based on no actual research but hearsay, I think Sarah moved back to our state a little while ago, but is well over an hour away from this small town. I believe she is still working in the job she picked up after she left here, and is doing design on the side with her old contacts in this area. Maybe one day she’ll move back to the area, but with housing prices the way they are I doubt that will be anytime soon. And even if it is … she has every right to move to this town, and I have every right to work here.

A few weeks after this meeting, I was pulling out of the parking lot of my local grocery store when I saw my ex. He did a double-take (my car is VERY conspicuous — I had just bought it weeks before we broke up) and then started smiling and waving as if we were old friends. I had sunglasses on and pretended not to see him, but it sent me spiraling. That grocery store is not exactly one along a major route — it’s mostly a neighborhood grocery store, which means he most likely lived nearby. I don’t know if it was healthy, but I looked up property records in our county using his name. Turns out he bought a house 1.5 miles away from me a year after my husband and I bought our house. He’s literally within walking distance of my home. Is it a coincidence? Probably … but I still feel so violated. He took so much away from me in the 10 years we were together, and for several years after that. He chased me out of a nonprofit I loved that we both volunteered at because he wouldn’t leave me alone to do my own thing there (kept trying to “be friends” and kissed me when we were doing a task alone — my response was to slap him), he has shown up to two previous workplaces under the guise of conducting business so I couldn’t kick him out, and even sent an anonymous package to my house a month before my wedding with books that only he would have thought I would have liked (it was confirmed sent by him when he was confronted about it). I don’t feel safe interacting with him, although I couldn’t tell you what I am afraid of, exactly. He told me right after I broke up with him that he had sociopathic tendencies … and I don’t really know what that means. I don’t want to have to look over my shoulder wondering if I’m going to run into him at the store with my child. I don’t want him anywhere near me or knowing anything about my life these days.

But I also recognized that my spiraling, so long after our breakup, was only hurting me. I’ve been in therapy ever since. But I don’t think I would have considered any of this as trauma without the wonderful commenters on this blog. And a special shoutout to commenter “Don’t Send Your Kids to Hudson University” for recommending the “Something Was Wrong” podcast. I’m on season 16 at the moment. It really did help me put my own experience into a kinder perspective, hearing similar stories of people who were emotionally and mentally abused and also struggled with letting go of these relationships.

So, still feeling lots of shame about the situation and now aware that a man with sociopathic tendencies who thinks he did nothing wrong to me lives less than a 5K race away from me, but I’m trying to navigate through it.

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are five updates from past letter-writers.

1. My coworker keeps complaining he didn’t get promoted — but it’s his own fault

I figured I would give an update on my coworker, Roman, who complained about not getting the promotion he thought he deserved.

The response I received pretty much solidified my feelings and I told him he was no longer allowed to complain at me as the decision had been made and it was time to move on. However, as some may have suspected when I noted his lack of soft skills, things did not improve.

A couple of months later, we had a very large project that was very stressful for the whole team and he just amplified the stress from start to finish with his constant criticism of every decision made by every single team member.

When the project concluded, the decision was made to let Roman go.

After he left, it was like a dark cloud was lifted from the entire office. Staff who barely worked with Roman all breathed a sigh of relief. Team members who were quiet before came out of their shell.

The stressful projects were no longer stressful. My anxiety about my boss taking vacation went away because Roman wasn’t there to sow unease through the team anymore.

It really does make or break a workplace when there is someone there bringing everyone else down and I respect my boss for seeing that Roman was not fit for a leadership position and for recognizing that he had become toxic to all staff in the office.

2. My manager is upset that I’m paid more and get a benefit she doesn’t get (#3 at the link)

I appreciated your advice and the thoughtful comments. My manager did stop bringing it up with me, but has stopped approving my PTO. She did initially tell me she was trying to keep it at what she felt was a fair amount…which was less than the accrual rate (think, everyone accrues 20 days annually, she felt I should take max 15 annually). It ended up going to HR who told her clearly her interpretation of fairness was way off base, but that she is within her rights to deny PTO for any business reason, which she is doing consistently. I’m checked out and job hunting.

3. My coworker won’t share a file we both use (#3 at the link)

I created my own file. It took probably most of the week to do it and it seems against logic to do it. But I have her periodically update me with anything in the sheet (so she’s also created extra work for herself). I think it would have been better to have her share her file (your advice), since it quite honestly is her job. But there are a lot of things that is her job that she fights and doesn’t have to do — my requests aren’t the only ones she refuses to do. Our other admin assistant went to work for another department so a few of her responsibilities were assumed by the difficult one. She’ll pick what she wants to do and not do the rest.

The kicker is she is in line for a decent increase due to her taking on more responsibilities with no complaint. Our manager is a really nice guy, some would even say a pushover. These are not great qualities in a manager. For those who want a “happy ending” or at the least, some karmic justice, this update will leave you dissatisfied.

4. I retired a year ago and my old coworker still calls for help (#4 at the link)

I stuck to my guns and the other employee stopped calling me for help with my former job responsibilities. There was one exception but it was genuinely something that probably couldn’t be accomplished any other way than with my help.

But afterwards I did some thinking about the bigger picture, and realized that it was okay to not be invited to those gatherings. I enjoyed the work, my coworkers are good people, but for me employment has only been a way to pay the bills. I have always made friends at work but ultimately, I wanted to make a clean break from that world, and just be myself without all the drama of a workplace.

So I am at peace with the whole thing, and a family member added my cell phone to their plane, so my monthly plan is much less expensive anyway now!

Thanks for everyone’s support and help.

5. Accidentally low-cut uniforms (#4 at the link)

I had one foot out the door at the time of my letter and gave notice soon after. I was a key person in reopening a building that had been closed for over a year (hence the new scrubs), so I was so busy with that project and training the coverage for that building that it didn’t get mentioned. I’m sure someone will say something eventually, though. There are some pretty vocal team members who will eventually go into that area and remark on the scrub design.