managing an employee who lies, I was the only one carded at a business lunch, and more by Alison Green on June 21, 2023 It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go… 1. Can I use an improvement plan for an employee who lies? At the start of the year, I discovered that one of my direct reports had gone out of their way to disguise a behavior that has been their ongoing performance development need. Say, for example, that they needed to hold fewer accounting meetings with sales. They have been given this feedback for a couple of years running on an ongoing basis and in performance reviews. Instead, I found out that they kept holding the meetings, but marking them private so that I wouldn’t see them. The behavior itself (the meetings) isn’t the end of the world, but obviously the deception I took incredibly seriously. Given that this came to light just after year-end bonuses had been decided, in talking it through with HR, we decided not to change their bonus for the past year, because all the meetings had been scheduled in the new year. While we also discussed a PIP, we decided to see if the behavior happened again. However, you can imagine that this has affected our (previously strong, dozen-year) working relationship, and I no longer fully trust this person. In working on our mid-year reviews, I’ve just discovered a discrepancy. I had marked down a number of accounting reports for Q1 back in April, but now my employee is reporting a different number. I am digging into the figures to get to the bottom of this. However, if it turns out that this is a second deliberate falsification, my question is: Is it even possible to structure a PIP around trust and honesty? This person fulfils a critical function. I recognize they may move on at some point and everyone is replaceable, but this would be the single hardest person to replace in a staff of 50. But I also can’t imagine how to coach someone through a PIP to stay when the issue is lying. You can’t create a performance improvement plan around trust and honesty. PIPs are useful for things like work quality issues, where you need to see if the person is able to raise the quality of their work or not. They’re not at all suited for issues of character and integrity. I’d be really wary of keeping someone on your team who lied about something significant even just once. But if you do choose to give them another chance, it makes sense to have a very serious conversation about your expectations of honesty and transparency and to explicitly make that conversation the final warning. If there’s a second occurrence, it really needs to be game-over at that point. Realistically, at that point you just can’t trust them at all, and the amount of checking you would need to do to ensure their work really is what they say it is would be impossible. Read an update to this letter. 2. Awkward comments after getting carded at a business lunch I’m a 32-year-old female attorney in big law. I’ve been practicing for six years, and am now a year or two into getting to handle things like examining witnesses in court and oral arguments. This is a bit on the early side, and sort of a big deal, but I am pretty good at my job and always get good feedback from partners and clients. However, apparently I look very young. Almost every time I go to court, I get some kind of comment (usually from security) about how I must be too young to be a lawyer. Fortunately this has not, until recently, been in front of clients. I recently concluded a trial and went to lunch with clients and the partner. We were all in suits and everyone but me was a man and at least 45 years old. We ordered wine and I was carded. No one else was. I was a little shocked and just handed over my ID; a few of the men said something about how it was a compliment. But it isn’t: it undermines my authority. It’s already difficult enough to get speaking experience as an associate, and it really doesn’t help to have a client doubting whether I can handle the work. It’s also sexist – I note that there was a clear gender divide in reactions when I told this story to my friends and family. And I am so sick of being infantilized. Is there a script you can suggest? To be clear, not for the waiter: he was just doing his job. But after he left, it would have been great to have some kind of witty comment that reminds everyone that I am actually an attorney, not a 20-year-old intern. I don’t know, maybe “oh yes, I graduated [Ivy League] law school when I was 14.” Or should I just put up with it? My father, who usually has good advice but is not a woman, said that the classiest thing to do would just be to smile and say thank you. But that doesn’t sit right with me. Yeah, don’t say “thank you” — that’s playing into the idea that women should be thrilled to be told they look young, and that’s the opposite of how you feel. I like your “graduated when I was 14” remark, especially if you can deliver it with a single raised eyebrow. (For that matter, the single raised eyebrow might also work as a response on its own with no accompanying script necessary.) Everything else I can think of sounds defensive, which risks making it into a bigger deal, which makes the problem worse. Ultimately, the less time and energy you and others at the table are spending on it, the better (which points me back to the eyebrow reply, if you are lucky enough to have eyebrows you can control independently of one another). 3. If we raise problems, we’ll be assigned to solve them I work at a place that is very solutions-focused. During non-stressful times, this can be very good as it often pushes people to be proactive and come up with creative solutions instead of assuming something isn’t their job to fix. However, at the moment, the whole department is under a great deal of stress. We’re under pressure to save money, deliver projects, and also work on replacing some legacy business-critical systems (which is a delicate and volatile process which can and does affect other departments). People are being asked to work weekends and I often see people logging in late at night, working very long hours. In short, stress is very high. The solutions-focused culture often means that, when people raise problems or concerns with managers, they’re told “well, what do you think we should do to fix this?” We’re often told we need to come up with a solution as soon as we’ve raised a concern and sometimes, on talking about a particular issue, a person can get the total responsibility for fixing it placed on their shoulders (which is especially hard at a time when workloads are already very high). We’re constantly pushed to give open and honest feedback, but it’s starting to feel like a poisoned chalice because every time we open our mouths we’re running the risk that we’ll end up responsible for fixing the thing that is causing us stress. Is there a reasonable pushback to this “you need to fix this” assertion from management? Yep, this is bad management. It’s great to encourage people to think about solutions when they see problems, but not every person will be well-positioned to have a solution to every problem they see — and that doesn’t make the problem less of a problem or something they shouldn’t speak up about. And it certainly doesn’t make it their responsibility to fix! What your company is doing incentivizes people to stay quiet when they see an issue, lest it be added to their plate. That means that managers will learn about problems much less frequently than they otherwise would, and in some cases those delays will compound the damage. Why not propose a solution to this problem — with the solution being a change in practice? You could say, “I’m concerned we’re creating a dynamic where people won’t speak up about problems if they don’t have a solution to accompany it, or if they don’t want to risk the work of fixing it getting added to their plate, especially now when people are already stretched so thin. Since it’s in our interests to be aware of problems even when people don’t have the time or expertise to fix them, I propose we move to a system where solving any given problem is assigned to the person best positioned —in both expertise and available bandwidth — to address it.” 4. Can I elaborate on an interview question after the interview? Is it ever okay to elaborate on an interview question, after the interview? I am having a serious case of regret when I realized how poorly I answered a question that should have come easily (I skipped past some basic concepts and then rambled my way through). They’ve asked me to email my references. Do you think I could acknowledge in that email that my response was weak and give a clearer answer in writing? I think I know you are going to tell me to let it go, but it could be the difference between an offer or not, because it is a pretty core question to the job. Everything else felt like it went really well. Yes, you can do that! Don’t make your focus the weakness of the first response, though; just say, “I realized after our meeting that a more useful answer to your question about X would have been…” Caveat: you can only do this once. You shouldn’t send multiple re-do’s. But we all flub the occasional question and it’s fine to revisit it (briefly!) in your follow-up note. 5. A process question Do you ever look at question-askers’ LinkedIns to help answer a question? Or is the universal answer more important than answering the query for that specific person? For example, if someone writes to you saying, “I applied to be the CEO of Google and I’m super qualified but they turned me down,” do you ever go to their LinkedIn, see that they are fresh off an MBA with no work experience, and answer them using that information? Because you could do an answer specific to them (i.e., school experience isn’t the same as job experience, if you’re applying for stretch jobs your cover letter should address XYZ, etc.) or you could do a universal answer (i.e., here’s why a hiring manager might reject a perfectly qualified candidate). Obviously you don’t have time to read all our resumes before you answer, but do you ever get curious (perhaps based on your perception of their delusion) and go digging? Nope, never. It’s never occurred to me to! Partly that’s the implicit agreement with people who write in (they trust that I’m not going to go digging into their lives beyond what they choose to share), and partly that’s just the nature of advice columns: there’s always more context that could help, and which might change the advice dramatically if it were known, but the nature of the gig is to work with the info I’m given. You may also like:how do I recover after an employee took advantage of my trust?how much should I tell a team whose boss is on a performance plan?my employee isn't performing well -- but is getting a ton of public praise { 480 comments }
updates: telling recruiters I wouldn’t move to a state that discriminates, new boss says everything is “fun,” and more by Alison Green on June 20, 2023 It’s a special “where are you now?” season at Ask a Manager and I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are three updates from past letter-writers. 1. Telling recruiters I wouldn’t move to a state that discriminates I was able to use language very similar to what you provided and so far everyone’s been understanding. I do think it’s important that companies know these policies will actively drive lots of talented workers away. I haven’t gotten any leads yet but I’m not actively searching. I also appreciated some of the tips about different places to consider relocating to. I’ll have to put a lot of thought into it over the coming months and reach out to friends/family/colleagues around the country. Hopefully I’ll be able to settle somewhere safe and comfortable for me, that these politicians are throughly repudiated so that everyone feels so no matter what city or state they live in. 2. My new boss says everything is “fun” — even data entry and illness I was the OP who had the boss who referred to everything as fun! and was really the avatar of toxic positivity. I ended up taking a new position in 2021 that helped me to reset my work norms and expectations. My coworkers and supervisor there were much more realistic in their approach to our work, and it was a much more supportive environment all around. It occurs to me that I really didn’t contextualize the field that I’m in for the commentariat – we’re heavy on compliance and policy-building, and it’s a field where sarcasm and dry humor are very much the norm. Sunny positivity is fairly unusual, even in the best of times, and the workplace culture is usually built around the camaraderie of doing a beloved, but difficult job as best we can despite organizational and regulatory hurdles. That new role allowed me to grow quite a bit, and I recently changed again to start another job with a much higher title. I’m now making twice as much as I was in the original role I wrote in about, and doing much more complex work! I’m considered a “senior” voice in my field (in my 30s, which should say something about burnout), have won a national industry award, and have taken on leadership positions in our affiliated professional orgs. My “fun” boss has had 100% turnover in my old department during this time, and it turns out that a lot of the problems I thought were out of her hands, were in fact things that she was actively making worse. She couldn’t have done anything about staff bleed in other departments, of course, but not getting information back? She asked them not to update us, but to send info to her directly and then never shared it. Never heard back from someone I’d worked closely with in the past? They reached out after I’d left to tell me that my supervisor had expressly forbidden them from speaking to me without copying her or looping her in. I recently got a call from my old employer asking me to talk through the policies I’d put in place during my time there, and about how fun! supervisor had managed us. I was candid and shared that I had a number of concerns regarding their compliance with federal regulations based on questions I was receiving as a professional liaison from her remaining staff. (It’s a small industry.) They’ve offered to bring me on as a consultant to get them above board again, and it sounds like they’re working to remove fun! supervisor. They’re concerned that she might have misrepresented her familiarity with those regulations, and clients are apparently complaining. I don’t know if any of this will come to pass, as we’re still in the midst of discussions about what I can do to assist, but I’m really excited about the prospect of helping my old employer. I truly love the people and clients there! As some commenters (and you) noted, the fun! thing was really just the tip of the dysfunctional iceberg. I think some of what my supervisor was doing was trying to disguise how little she knew about what needed to be done, and was trying to upsell me on the boring parts of my job while she took on the more “exciting” and visible things. So much of what we do is difficult to parse for colleagues outside of the department, so if I wasn’t responding to questions or sitting on committees, she could pretend to be the only one with the answers and no one would question if the information she was sharing was accurate. Thank you again for your guidance, and for all of the great information/advice you share on your site! I credit all of you resources with helping me to get where I am now. I especially took to heart your point about toxic workplaces warping your idea of what’s normal or acceptable. I had to unlearn a lot of stuff after I left that job. Update to the update: My “fun” boss ended up being demoted, and the compliance work was removed from her portfolio and sent to another department. She’s no longer permitted to manage or supervise, and she’s been physically relocated to an office closer to her new supervising unit. I will most likely be consulting later this year to reinstate policies I designed while working there. I’m a little annoyed these changes weren’t made until long after I’d left, but I’m happy where I’ve landed anyway! 3. My coworkers expect me to be devastated I didn’t get a promotion (#2 at the link) I appreciated the advice to meet with my supervisor about the promotion and fully intended to do so. However, he went on vacation and postponed the meeting. Then, he never emailed to reschedule, even after I emailed a follow-up when he returned. I have a couple of other outstanding work emails to him that have gone unanswered, as well. He’s relatively new in the position and doesn’t seem to be on top of responses. I decided not to continue hounding him about it. Other members from the hiring committee have since confided in me that they reviewed the feedback and did not see any clear preferences for either me or the junior candidate who was given the promotion and that there were no negative comments on either of us. Some of the commentariat conjectured about my work demeanor. I’ve been very successful in my role, winning a number of prestigious awards and performing above the company expectations in my annual work evaluations. I’m frequently tasked with higher level projects because of my organizational and communication skills. Plus, my co-workers come to me regularly for help navigating work issues within the company because of my knowledge of processes and relationships with people across the company. If anything, I am an over-communicator, which could be what is making the new supervisor hesitant, given his very different and more laid back style of working. The person promoted over me is very firm in his work-life balance, in ways that I am not, and sets boundaries much better than I do about timelines and projects. I like to get things finished and have a generally higher paced demeanor at work. I have come to accept that I may never know why I was passed over for a junior colleague. The good news is that my co-workers took the hint and stopped being as emotionally distraught around me after I responded as you suggested with “Mark is great.” After hearing from those on the committee that my co-workers did not express the preference that the supervisor claimed, I can understand better why they were unhappy with the outcome. Most just assumed that listing both of our positive qualities would still result in my being hired because of the difference in experience and seniority. I really love my company and don’t plan on leaving, but I have started looking to move laterally to another department, if a position arises. I’m also setting up some better boundaries for myself, so I am not inadvertently being expected to do work associated with the position that Mark took because of my seniority. There is a tendency for women in my field to take on much more work than men in the same positions to prove competency, and I’m super guilty of doing it myself. Thanks for all your advice here and elsewhere – I am an avid reader of your column! You may also like:telling recruiters I won't move to states that discriminate, AirTag etiquette, and morehow honest can I be with recruiters that money is the only reason I want to leave my current job?how can I get recruiters to just tell me the job's salary from the start? { 41 comments }
update: my boss thinks I’m a stoner because I called out on 4/20 by Alison Green on June 20, 2023 It’s a special “where are you now?” season at Ask a Manager and I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day. Remember the letter-writer whose boss thought he was a stoner because he called out on 4/20 (#2 at the link)? Here’s the update. I want to particularly thank you, as well as commenters Dark Macademia, Bagpuss, and Megan C for your collective advice. I spoke with my boss on the afternoon of the 25th, the day your answer was posted; I’m pleased to share that the resolution was quite harmonious. I approached my boss as you suggested, in the spirit of genuine concern that my reputation might not be what I want it to be, and he was quick to assure me that he did not genuinely think I might be a drug user. My boss explained that he had originally made the joke in a lighthearted spirit, but later realized that if I really had been partaking, he might have been blowing off a symptom of serious stress on my part. As I mentioned in a comment, he’s relatively new to the team and to management in general, and we have been under tremendous pressure over the last few months. His later conversation with me he frankly admitted to be a rather awkward attempt to both offer a listening ear if I needed to share any unusual stressors with him as well as a warning that he did not want me to jeopardize my licensure by partaking in an illegal substance. Our industry is very tightly regulated and losing one’s professional certifications will obliterate an entire career. I also carefully checked in with one of my coworkers, and she laughed and told me openly that I was considered the last person in the office to ever do anything even slightly untoward, and that my boss’s joke was seen as nothing more than that. So I think the moral of the story is my boss and I are two well-meaning, awkward, and very square people with a tendency to make intoxicating mountains out of food poisoning molehills :) You may also like:interviewing with a service dog in my lap, boss thinks I'm a stoner because I called out on 4/20, and morea coworker stole my spicy food, got sick, and is blaming meboss said she'd give me a great reference but she didn't, jobs advertised for less than minimum wage, and more { 56 comments }
update: how do we fire someone who refuses to talk to us? by Alison Green on June 20, 2023 It’s a special “where are you now?” season at Ask a Manager and I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Remember the church that needed to fire someone who refused to talk to any members of their personnel committee and kept calling their attempts to meet “non-consensual” (#2 at the link)? Here’s the update. We finally cornered our employee who was calling our meetings “non-consensual.” She showed up at the meeting absolutely furious and ready to fight. However, we were prepared, and kept the conversation to less than a minute– just “Here is your termination letter, please go collect your things.” We were all so worried she would attempt a nuisance lawsuit, or show up the next Sunday and cause a scene, or something, but she actually just disappeared. We had a plan in place that if talking to her that day (Friday) didn’t work, we were going to overnight a termination letter to her, to arrive at her home Saturday. We were also going to post “guards” (i.e., church members) at the doors on Sunday morning to intercept her before she came into the building … but thankfully, it didn’t come to that. As a final act of pettiness, though, she sent a text message to one of the church members, who shared it with me. It said, “I’ll miss you; I’ve really enjoyed working with the children! Especially–” and then she listed the names of every child in the church’s program, except my child. Classy. You may also like:insensitive "Diversity Day," how to fire someone who refuses to talk to us, and moremy boss was furious that I went to a work party after calling out sickmy coworker disrupts meetings and explodes or freezes us out if she's angry { 114 comments }
update: I resent my employee for being richer and more qualified than me by Alison Green on June 20, 2023 It’s a special “where are you now?” season at Ask a Manager and I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day. Remember the letter-writer who resented her employee for being richer and more qualified than her? Here’s the update. Thank you for the reality check needed. I want to be a good manager, I want to be able to make this bakery a good place to work, and a successful business. The owner has been talking about retiring in the next few years, and I would like to be able to buy my bakery and succeed. And I can’t let my insecurities hold me back. It also was a sign that I needed to think about my mental health, and what I actually want for my life. I have very much been in survival mode since I was fifteen. Jane no longer works at the bakery; her company bought another big company and she was called back to lead her new department, she has also become a senior director now. Before she left, Jane and I talked about the future. She suggested that potentially there were bigger opportunities if I went back and finished high school (I had to drop out when I got pregnant), but also told me about some bookkeeping certifications I could get that would be recognized anywhere nationally, that do not need a high school diploma. It’s still 2,000$, but that’s something I had never thought about. Something that I hadn’t put in the letter was that my husband is learning to program, and when Jane found out about that, she asked to see what he had built. It impressed her a lot and she had advised my husband to apply to jobs in her company and use her name. He got to the second round, but was eventually unable to be hired because neither of us completed high school, and they couldn’t waive that requirement. However, it has made my husband go back to night school, and Jane and her husband have been very helpful in finding resources for programing bootcamps, and networking opportunities for my husband. She even managed to get my kid into her company’s free virtual private coding summer camp so my daughter can get a heads up in coding, and see if she likes it. Things are better. Helped a lot because Jane went back to her real job, and I had to deal with my insecurity. You may also like:most popular posts of 2023I resent my employee for being richer and more qualified than meI feel guilty about getting a job in my competitive field when others are still struggling { 165 comments }
can I say I can’t come to the office because of my dog, our “unlimited” vacation is really just three weeks, and more by Alison Green on June 20, 2023 It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go… 1. Can I say I can’t come into the office because I have to look after my dog? I’ve been in a new job about three months now. It’s a huge improvement on where I was before (a very toxic workplace with ridiculous expectations and no work/life balance). I’m very happy here, everyone is friendly and supportive, and I’m settling in well. We are a hybrid workplace, so we are required to be in for three days a week, which is fine with me as my husband has to go in for two days a week. He does Mondays and Fridays and I’m in Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays. We have a dog who can’t really be left alone for more than four hours at a time, but that’s okay because the hybrid working situation works well for us and it means someone is always home with him. Does it reflect badly on me if I am asked to do something on a day that I’m working from home and I refuse on the basis that a) it’s my work-from-home day, and b) I have to look after my dog? For example, I was invited to an event on a Monday with very little notice. I said I couldn’t go because my husband was in the office that day and I need to be at home with our dog. I know I don’t always have to give an excuse, I can just say “no, sorry, I’m working from home that day” — but you know how the pressure can be. Any advice? Am I coming off lazy/reluctant? In most offices, I’d avoid citing the dog. If there’s an expectation that you’ll sometimes need to come in on days other than your official ones, it could come off strangely (and to some people, as not a “good enough” reason, or that you’re being overly precious about the dog, or that you’re not being realistic about what dog care arrangements the job requires) … but even if there’s not that expectation, there’s still a risk that it’ll seem off. I’d just go with “I’m at home on Mondays but I could do any of the next three days” if that’s acceptable in your office. Otherwise, “I can’t do Monday, but I could do X or Y.” Read an update to this letter. 2. Our “unlimited” vacation time is really just three weeks Over a year ago, my company switched me from being hourly with accrued vacation to salaried with an unlimited/flexible vacation policy (which all salaried employees are on). My rate of vacation accrual increased from three weeks to four weeks per year just before the change took effect, which I used as a guide for how much vacation to request. I’ve been requesting one week of vacation every quarter since then, even though I knew this was more than what most others were taking. I figured that it would be okay unless my boss started telling me that I was requesting too much, which didn’t happen until now. When I requested to take a week of vacation this summer, which would’ve been my second week this year, my boss explained that upper management set a limit of three weeks of vacation per year. More than that requires managers to get upper management approval, which she was able to get last year (unbeknownst to me) because I had a lot of unused accrued vacation when I became salaried. So I ended up canceling my summer vacation request. What I most dislike about this is that it’s effectively a policy of three weeks of “use it or lose it” vacation per year, but most employees are losing some vacation because they aren’t being told that three weeks is effectively the amount of vacation they’re allowed to use. I see it as somewhat analogous to employers playing “hide the ball” with salary during the interview process, hoping that a candidate will accept less money than what they’d otherwise offer. When I told my manager that I thought the company should openly communicate this semi-official three-week limit to all employees, she just said that was outside of her power. I’m also fairly powerless, and am not willing to rock the boat for the sake of other employees. Do you think I’m right to be ticked at this? Also, what can employees do to encourage employers to be transparent about how much vacation is okay to take? I only got this information communicated directly to me because I was stretching that limit, but many of my colleagues probably take less vacation than they otherwise would because they lack this information. More info in case it matters: I’m in America, as are most others on my team, and my manager said that a different policy applies to those in other countries. Also, I’ve been careful to schedule requests during times that would likely be less impactful on the company, which my manager noticed. Yes, you’re right to be ticked off! They told you you’d have “unlimited” vacation when it’s really three weeks, which is less than you had before they made you salaried. If there’s an unofficial limit, they should be transparent about that so that people know what they’re working with — both in cases like yours (where you planned to take more) and in cases like your coworkers (where they’re taking less). “Unlimited” vacation time is never truly unlimited, but three weeks is particularly meager within that framework so it really doesn’t make sense to frame it as “unlimited” at all. They’re intentionally trying to sell people on something that sounds better than what they’re really offering. In general with unlimited vacation policies, it’s smart to ask your manager, “How much time off do people normally take?” and “How much time did you yourself take last year?” That’ll often get you a sense of what the company’s norms are (since the norms and limits will exist, despite the label). In your case, that probably would have elicited the truth earlier. But your company is to blame for their intentionally obfuscated message, not you. 3. The women at my company received awards worth much less than the men The company I work for decided last year to reward top sales performers with a nice cash bonus at the end of the year if they met certain sales goals. The bonus is tiered, with those selling the most getting a larger bonus. Additionally, we are awarded a trip and given a gift — but the gift is different for men and women. Just for an example, let’s say we sell golf clubs (which we do not). The gift is a set of golf clubs for each person who meets the goal. All the men receive the same men’s golf clubs and all of the women receive the same women’s golf clubs and the golf clubs are fairly valuable. But the golf clubs the men received are valued at 30% more than the ones the women received, despite the fact that many of the women outperformed the men. I recognize that it is very generous of the company to give out these bonuses, which are substantial. However, any happiness I felt about my achievement is tempered by the fact that every woman received a less valuable gift. I think it would have been better to only award the cash bonuses and skip the gift if the gift was not going to be of equal value. Am I being ungrateful and oversensitive? Is there a diplomatic way to bring this to the attention of the powers that be? You’re not being ungrateful or overly sensitive. Your company is rewarding men with something of greater value than it gives women, and they’re explicitly basing it on gender. That’s a problem, and it’s a very reasonable thing to raise. You could say, “I appreciate the recognition, but has anyone noticed that the value of the gift given to men is significantly higher than what women received? We obviously shouldn’t be compensating women differently, so can we ensure that doesn’t happen again?” 4. Can I accept weekend vacation lodging from a contractor I manage? I work at a small nonprofit. For two years, I have been supervising a contractor who is working 7-10 hours per week with us on a project that will be winding down in the next six months. She is fantastic and we work well together. She lives a few hours away, in an area that is a fairly popular vacation spot. She has spontaneously offered (several times now!) for my family to stay at her home for a weekend when she and her family are on vacation. Would it be appropriate for me to take her up on that, if we took good care of the home and left a nice gift in appreciation? Or should I steer clear? (She’s the only one working on this project, so there’s no issue of favoritism, in case that matters.) I’d steer clear. It’s a kind offer, but the power dynamics make the risk of problems is too high. First, there’s the potential for the appearance of shadiness to anyone who hears about it — that you’re accepting a pretty significant favor/gift from someone who paycheck you control. Second, if something goes wrong during your stay, it could have repercussions for your working relationship. And things could go wrong — for example, a neighbor complaint (even if unwarranted), or you accidentally break something meaningful to her during your stay (or she happens to notice damage after your stay even though you had nothing to do with it), or a problem at the house that she thinks you didn’t deal with fast enough but feels she can’t raise because of the power dynamics, and on and on. Even if all of that is unlikely — and much of it is! — as her manager it just doesn’t make sense to take the risk. Managing is easier if you keep clean boundaries. 5. How should I check back in with a company? Around this time last year, I managed to score an interview with a small local company for an internship in a field just to the left of the degree I’d just graduated with. This was partially because my friend was the current intern and asked their boss if I could apply, and mostly because I managed to impress him with a stellar cover letter written in a short time — I had 24 hours to get my application in, and he was impressed at how good it was in that time crunch (I know all this because he told me during the interview — and you’ll never guess whose website helped with writing that cover letter). While I wasn’t hired, he let me know on the phone that I was in the number 2 spot for the job, and that I should feel open to checking back in at a later date to see if there were more opportunities if I was still interested. I’m once again on the job hunt and would still love to work with that company, but I have absolutely no idea how to check in with them, what that would look like, if I’ve waited too long, or if he was just being polite (which would be weird, considering he spent most of the “you didn’t get the job” phone call talking about how much he liked me and how happy to work with me he’d be, but who knows). He probably wasn’t just being polite … but even if he was, it would be perfectly fine to take him at his word and check in now. Email your resume with a note that says something like, “You interviewed me for an internship last summer and I really enjoyed talking with you. At the time you encouraged me to check back in the future, and I’d still very much like to work with you. I’m attaching my resume and would love to talk if you think I might be the right match for a current opening.” (If there’s a specific opening you have in mind, mention it instead of that vaguer language.) 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update: do I need to give up an impressive business contact who’s hitting on me? by Alison Green on June 19, 2023 It’s a special “where are you now?” season at Ask a Manager and I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Remember the letter-writer wondering if she needed to give up an impressive business contact who was hitting on her? Here’s the update. I can’t believe that it’s been 6 years since I wrote to you. I’m still a keen follower, and I think years of reading the best way to go about things has helped a lot in the way that I approach things at work and probably why I’ve had so much success recently. Since my initial question to you, I feel that my career was derailed for several years – and upset that it could be impacted due to a single person misbehaving, who I recently saw on TV in a Senate hearing on the unlawfulness of his department’s behaviour (it’s related to the Australian Robodebt scheme). It probably wouldn’t have been that bad, except for the next couple of roles, which were lower level than the one I had at the company I left, I was hired in by people who subsequently left in a short amount of time and in one case didn’t have the mandate to bring me on for what they told me I was brought on for. A lot of people retire at the same level I’m currently at, and before I took my new job I felt I was just doing it for the paycheck and waiting out for retirement in my late thirties. End of last year I was headhunted for the role I’m now in, and it is the best. They had called me about my interest a while ago, but didn’t interview me for a couple months, as I was more expensive than they would have liked. Once I did interview, I had a job offer by the next day. The company is a household name where I am, and a big driver of diversity and gender equity, which is why I believe I’ve thrived. Throughout my career I’ve often been the only woman in a room, and just before International Women’s Day we had a bonding moment following a meeting where it was all women, in a male dominated industry, where four out of five of us were WOC and leaders. The environment is also so much more respectful and collaborative, which I believe is due to the company embracing inclusiveness as part of its culture. The senior leadership is almost 50:50 gender split, and one of them, who is also a WOC, has taken me under her wing, where I am now being invited by the C-Suite to discuss strategy and actively participating in the company’s direction, while being a relatively low level manager. My ambition and drive is back, I feel the need to give back in mentoring and bringing up the next level of young people in the industry, and I see a pathway for myself into senior leadership, which as they always say helps by being able to see people like yourself already represented. My only concern is that I may actually need to deliver on what I propose, and not be like the person who wanted to just be the ideas guy, which is a challenge, but one I am up for. You may also like:how many times can I ask a networking contact for help?must I hire a qualified candidate with a ton of baggage?men are hitting on my scheduling bot because it has a woman's name { 20 comments }
updates: the monthly hikes, the coworker with the criminal record, and more by Alison Green on June 19, 2023 It’s a special “where are you now?” season at Ask a Manager and I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are four updates from past letter-writers. There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back– there’s more to come today! 1. I’m missing out on face time with the CEO because I don’t go on our monthly hikes I am sad to report nothing changed – or maybe it has gotten worse in that he’s now making more open endorsements for these types of events in a way that borders on body-shaming. He has made comments about how frustrating it is that more people aren’t attending and that “from the looks of things” they would benefit from the exercise. Every July, we surprise our employees of the year with gift baskets that include gift cards and snacks. I asked him last week what he had in mind for the baskets this year, and he said he didn’t know yet but that it certainly won’t be fast food gift cards or sugary snacks. I can understand his conviction to promote a healthy lifestyle, but I don’t think it’s his place to police anyone’s body, how frequently they move it or what they put in it. And frankly, it’s just coming across as odd that he’s got such a hang up about people who don’t fit his idea of “healthy” to the point of outright excluding or discriminating against them. He recently nominated his (female) assistant for an award that is more commonly given to men, and she won. His response to that was, “I knew she’d get it. They don’t want to put old men in those photos. They want the young attractive girl with big blue eyes.” It makes me cringe every time I think about it. I don’t think he said it in a perverted way, but it still says a lot about how he perceives women in the workplace – as if we are all there to be visually appealing to the men and not because we are just as qualified. One thing that has changed is that I recently earned my master’s degree in organizational leadership. It has really opened my eyes to just how toxic his leadership style is, and I plan to start looking for another job as soon as I wrap up some big projects here in the next month or two! 2. Should I tell my coworker about our colleague’s criminal record? Thank you again to you and to the commentariat for the responses. Unfortunately, in my country we don’t have a public sex offenders registry, I wish we did. It turns out though that Veronica was made aware about Cassidy not long after she started working here and I need not have worried. But I’m glad to now know that rather than have risked finding out that she didn’t know after having done nothing. I can continue to enjoy my job with one less stress. 3. How do I weigh the risks of staying where I am vs. changing fields? I so appreciated hearing from other folks in the comments who were in similar positions as I am, as well as those who reassured me there is no recession-proof job, and encouraged me not to stay based on fear. The commenters’ advice that it can’t hurt to start exploring helped a lot to get me moving without feeling like I was taking a risky jump just yet. I started looking at job postings to get a feel for what’s out there, interviewed at a couple of places, looked at additional training that might take my career in a different direction, and engaged a career coach (gave me some things to think about, although overall we weren’t a good fit). I also, frankly, started sucking up more to my coworkers and boss who were hostile about all the schedule shifting I was doing to care for my young children and myself. I communicated more about my schedule and my struggles when my children and I are sick. I overly expressed gratitude and brought in treats for those who covered my shifts. Looking back, I wish I had done this earlier, but I didn’t have the spoons for this before when my household was sick all the time. On the career search front, I started feeling overwhelmed and frustrated. One very, very important factor that I can’t believe I forgot to include in my post was that the organization I work for is a non-profit, so I am 5-approved-years-in to the Public Service Loan Forgiveness program for my student loans. If I left for another job, my best moves would be at another eligible organization or for a salary high enough to justify leaving PSLF behind. In my location, or even looking at remote positions in my timezone, the most relevant options are very limited. I’m still exploring what stretch opportunities might fit best. Then a few things happened all at once. My boss surprised us with an across-the-board salary market increase. While still low compared to other industries, within my geographical area and field this brought my salary at or above other similar positions. My organization also announced that due to their increased focus on flexibility and wellness, they were encouraging managers to allow more flexibility with employee schedules, which my boss has been doing. Not only did we receive our entire PTO bank at the beginning of the year, but my children were less frequently sick and daycare eased their Covid-19 policies, which relieved much of the weight off my shoulders. I felt much more support from my boss and coworkers overall. Then my boss announced her retirement (which likely helped in her being more flexible). Her job is not a position I’m interested in at this time, but a friend is likely to take her place, so I’m hesitantly more comfortable staying here at least until I hopefully complete my PSLF and better figure things out. Some things remain the same – no growth potential, relatively low pay with no merit raises, still relatively inflexible environment, long commute, being the default parent for young children. My oldest will start in the US public school system in the fall, so I’m sure our scheduling woes are only going to get worse. I’m actively reflecting on what works and what doesn’t about my work, and trying to stay open about what that might mean for the future. Thank you all for taking the time to commiserate and encourage me! What a wonderful community this is. 4. How can I support my partner after his job loss? I am the letter-writer who wrote in asking how to support my partner through job loss. I am very happy to report that he received an offer and started a new job in December 2022, about a month after the question was published. The new role is both a title and salary bump from his previous job, and during negotiations, he was able to get a 90 day review with the possibility of an additional salary increase. Even better, he got a glowing review at the 90 day mark and his boss was actually able to get him a slightly bigger salary increase than had been discussed at the offer stage. He’s thriving in the new role and I’m very grateful to the AAM community for such thoughtful responses to this difficult situation. You may also like:I'm missing out on face time with the CEO because I don't go on our monthly hikescan I ask my boss to check on me more regularly so I'll get more done?our remote staff want the same perks we have at the office, crappy LinkedIn tips, and more { 74 comments }
the outraged notes littering offices everywhere by Alison Green on June 19, 2023 If there’s one thing I’ve learned from over a decade of writing a workplace advice column, it’s that people will do anything to avoid having an awkward conversation with their colleagues. Sometimes that means that they don’t bring up important topics at all, instead just letting problems go unaddressed while their frustration festers. Other times, it means they hint and sugarcoat rather than speaking directly. And in other cases … they decide to leave notes. At Slate today, I wrote about the irritated — often outraged — notes littering offices everywhere … as well as the inverse relationship that appears to exist between the level of frustration emanating off the page and their effectiveness. You can read it here. You may also like:my office has a burn book we all have to read and signI stood up to a sexist coworker who wanted me to take all the notes for a team I'm not even onrejecting anyone who doesn't send a thank-you note is terrible hiring { 184 comments }
update: my employee blows up my phone with memes and videos — even in the middle of the night — and refuses to stop by Alison Green on June 19, 2023 It’s a special “where are you now?” season at Ask a Manager and I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day. Remember the letter-writer whose employee was blowing up her phone with memes and videos — even in the middle of the night — and refused to stop? Here’s the update. I’m happy to share an update. You were certainly right about Lisa. I directly instructed her to stop sending memes and she became very unhappy at work and began complaining. Her neediness took on a new form cloaked in more professional excuses, and she requested meeting after meeting where she complained about not feeling supported or loved. She told stories about past bosses who threw house parties, bosses who wanted hourly texts, and slowly explained that maybe I just don’t know how to be a boss, since I worked at a sandwich shop in high school. In my decade of owning a business, this was the first time any employee had just straight up insulted my work experience to my face. Finally, I couldn’t attend yet another meeting and she quit. She quit via email 12 minutes before a full day of client appointments. She must have snuck into my business in the middle of the night to take home her things. I was relieved because I thought it was over. Unfortunately, she continues to find excuses to stay in touch even now, months later. First, she didn’t receive her final paycheck in the mail, so I allowed her to stop by in person and she brought her kid and it took an hour to get her out. Then, she emailed saying she’d left an item (think a small item like a Tupperware lid or clipboard) and wanted to stop by to look for it. I responded strongly, telling her in no uncertain terms I did not have her item and that she was not to stop by. Next she had a friend (who was never a customer) leave fake reviews on my business Google and Yelp pages, writing that Lisa was the best employee we’d ever had. Now she’s emailing again saying a tool I once bought her needs repair—will I send the SKU on the receipt? Problem is, we buy a lot from this supplier and she didn’t even tell me which month it was purchased so I’d have to go through a year of receipts in detail in the hopes of finding this for her. It would take me at least 2-3 hours to deal with this and I feel that her new employer should be buying or repairing her tools, not me. So far I haven’t responded at all. I am worried now that any response will encourage her to keep engaging. I truly don’t understand why she won’t just go away. You may also like:my employee blows up my phone with memes and videos -- even in the middle of the night -- and refuses to stopmy boss won't stop posting fake news and false memes on our company FacebookI manage an employee who pushes too much positivity on her team { 233 comments }