update: my employee blows up my phone with memes and videos — even in the middle of the night — and refuses to stop by Alison Green on June 19, 2023 It’s a special “where are you now?” season at Ask a Manager and I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day. Remember the letter-writer whose employee was blowing up her phone with memes and videos — even in the middle of the night — and refused to stop? Here’s the update. I’m happy to share an update. You were certainly right about Lisa. I directly instructed her to stop sending memes and she became very unhappy at work and began complaining. Her neediness took on a new form cloaked in more professional excuses, and she requested meeting after meeting where she complained about not feeling supported or loved. She told stories about past bosses who threw house parties, bosses who wanted hourly texts, and slowly explained that maybe I just don’t know how to be a boss, since I worked at a sandwich shop in high school. In my decade of owning a business, this was the first time any employee had just straight up insulted my work experience to my face. Finally, I couldn’t attend yet another meeting and she quit. She quit via email 12 minutes before a full day of client appointments. She must have snuck into my business in the middle of the night to take home her things. I was relieved because I thought it was over. Unfortunately, she continues to find excuses to stay in touch even now, months later. First, she didn’t receive her final paycheck in the mail, so I allowed her to stop by in person and she brought her kid and it took an hour to get her out. Then, she emailed saying she’d left an item (think a small item like a Tupperware lid or clipboard) and wanted to stop by to look for it. I responded strongly, telling her in no uncertain terms I did not have her item and that she was not to stop by. Next she had a friend (who was never a customer) leave fake reviews on my business Google and Yelp pages, writing that Lisa was the best employee we’d ever had. Now she’s emailing again saying a tool I once bought her needs repair—will I send the SKU on the receipt? Problem is, we buy a lot from this supplier and she didn’t even tell me which month it was purchased so I’d have to go through a year of receipts in detail in the hopes of finding this for her. It would take me at least 2-3 hours to deal with this and I feel that her new employer should be buying or repairing her tools, not me. So far I haven’t responded at all. I am worried now that any response will encourage her to keep engaging. I truly don’t understand why she won’t just go away. You may also like:my employee blows up my phone with memes and videos -- even in the middle of the night -- and refuses to stopmy boss won't stop posting fake news and false memes on our company FacebookI manage an employee who pushes too much positivity on her team { 233 comments }
employer wants to hire my replacement but I haven’t quit, boss’s daughter watches me while I work, and more by Alison Green on June 19, 2023 It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go… 1. My boss wants to hire my replacement, but I haven’t quit yet When I started grad school two years ago, I could tell my bosses were very nervous about it. The two years have passed (no promotions), I’ve completed my program but wasn’t able to find a new job while in school. When I started the program, I told my bosses that I would stay at least through grad school. I’ve realized that my direct boss took that to mean “I’m quitting as soon as school ends.” She has made little comments about me leaving over the last six months even though I’ve said repeatedly that I have no concrete plans to leave. That hasn’t made a difference and today she said they’re going to start the hiring process for my replacement in about a month. Before I have given notice. They got approval already for there to be a one-month overlap between me and my replacement. I’m terrified because the job market is awful and I feel really humiliated. What am I even supposed to say when people ask where I’m going once the listing goes up? Is there anything I can even do at this point? I’m not going to resign, so do I just have to wait for them to fire me? And in the meantime try desperately to find a new job? Yes, speak up more assertively, ASAP! Say this, “I think we’ve had an awful miscommunication somewhere. I have no plans to leave. Unless there’s something I’m missing and you actively want me to go, you shouldn’t be hiring for a replacement — I’d like to stay and was planning on staying. Can we put a stop to the plans for replacing me?” (But really, today — you want to do this before things move any further along.) And yes, this could create an awkward situation if you do end up resigning a month from now. If that happens, you’ll apologize and explain that a perfect opportunity fell in your lap. That’s not ideal, but it’s better than being pushed out of your job before you have another one to go to. For what it’s worth, I suspect the issue is that you used language like “no concrete plans to leave” — which, in this specific context, sounded to your boss like “I’m working on it, but nothing’s finalized yet.” Related: my boss wants a timeline for me leaving and I haven’t even given notice 2. Boss’s daughter watches me while I work My boss’s 19-year-old daughter is interning with my company for the summer. She sits at another colleague’s desk when he is out of town (two week vacation right now). His desk and my desk are in the same small room. She sets her personal laptop on the desk and turns in the chair to face my computer screens while working on her work laptop in her lap. Most importantly, she constantly watches me. I have nicely offered a spare rolling desk for her to use for her additional laptop (even though there’s plenty of space on the desk) and she says she’s fine. How do I ask for space? When I scoot out to attend meetings or go to the restroom, I literally run into her legs. That is how close she is. Be more direct! “I feel self-conscious with you facing me like that while you work, and it makes it hard to focus. Can you use the desk instead? Or is there something you would need to work more comfortably there?” Or even, “I can’t focus with you turned in the chair and so close like that — it makes me feel like you’re waiting on me for something. Could you use the desk instead?” 3. I accidentally saw my manager’s shocking offer letter After a very turbulent time in our organization, a new director (Logan) was recruited for my team. From the first, he was abrasive and belittling. He threw his weight around with our suppliers, disrupted projects, tried to manage us via WhatsApp, was completely indifferent to staffing needs, and made meaningless process changes that meant my team’s workload increased significantly. He was not well liked and was certainly not respected. But he was feared. We moved into a new office about two months into his tenure and had been there for a couple of weeks. We had new printers that connected to a print server and you then needed to tap your access card to collect your printing. Logan sent us (his leadership team) a message asking how the printing worked. I replied, forwarding him the email from the print server company which contained my code, and advised him he needed to look for his mail from the company and use his code or to request a new code from facilities. He thanked me and that was that. That evening, before leaving the office, I went to collect some work that I was taking home. I tapped my card and to my surprise an offer letter addressed to Logan printed out with the rest of my printing. It was for another supplier VP position (so not a competitor) but was for an obscene amount of money (think a quarter of a million dollars a year, a 20% signing bonus, and stocks and shares) but he had to accept the offer and start at the new job within the next three weeks. The letter was dated that day. To say I was stunned was an understatement. It felt like I had been handed a bomb and I did not know what to do. I spoke to one of my colleagues, Don, who also worked for him and Don said I should just give the offer back to him when I next saw him. I was uncomfortable with that as I didn’t know Logan well, had no idea if he was vindictive or not, or if he would fire me or make my life a misery. I don’t think he could have fired me as I had done nothing wrong, but the company culture at the time was not great and people were coming and going with such frequency that I just didn’t know. I thought maybe I should hand the letter to his manager and let them deal with it, or just do nothing at all and pretend it never happened. I opted for the last option, and he was fine with me when I next saw him. Needless to say, he left and we were all delighted. I wonder if I managed it in the right way though. What do you think? Doing nothing was the right way to handle it. Anything else would have just stirred up drama. It wasn’t meant for you, you saw it by mistake, and the best thing to do was to mentally avert your eyes and move on. Really, what you saw was good news — a sign that a manager who had made your life miserable might be about to leave! All you needed to do was file away that potential bit of good news and wait to see what happened. 4. My coworker asks for time with me, then doesn’t follow through I have a younger colleague who will frequently say, “Hey, are you in tomorrow so I can ask you about XYZ?” My response is frequently, “Sure, no problem, just reserve some time in my calendar,” but sometimes also just, “No problem, just grab me whenever I’m free.” The problem is that she rarely follows through on any of it. I have in the past reminded her to make sure she set up some time for us to discuss XYZ, but if I have to remind someone multiple times to do something, I have to conclude it’s not important to them. I don’t have managerial responsibility, but I am her informal subject matter mentor as I’ve been in the field a lot longer. My title is Senior XYZist, hers is XYZist. Do you have any ideas on how to just let it go? It gets frustrating to hold myself at the ready for the consult that never happens. Or, should I just plan a meeting myself whenever she asks if she can pick my brain? I’ve been resisting that, because it’s her question so her responsibility. You shouldn’t organize the meeting yourself, since she’s the one asking to meet. But why not just ask her about it, especially as an informal mentor? You could say, “I’ve noticed that often when you ask if we can meet the next day to talk about a specific item and I suggest you book time on my calendar or come find me when you’re free, we don’t ever end up talking. What’s going on there? Are you finding the answer a different way and don’t need to meet anymore or…?” If she says that often she doesn’t still need to meet when the next day rolls around, you could say, “Would you mind circling back to let me know so that I’m not mentally holding space for it?” 5. Reference-checker tried to solicit my references for business When calling to check my references, a staffing agency solicited my references for business — asking them to use the staffing agency to hire their own employees. My reference felt obligated to meet with them after giving me a reference. I also found other red flags, such as benefits that didn’t meet my needs, after it was clear the employer was very interested in me. What are my options? Can I bypass the staffing agency and contact the employer directly? (The job is also listed on the employer’s website.) The staffing agency almost certainly “owns” your candidacy at this point (based on typical contracts between staffing agencies and employers, and probably your agreement with them as well) so you can’t go around them — or, rather, if you tried to, the employer would be legally obligated to the loop the agency back in. But soliciting your references for business is really shady. It’s a thing that sometimes happens, but it’s pretty slimy — that’s not why you provided them with those people’s info, and they’re abusing their access. After this hiring process wraps up, you can certainly tell them that, and can decline to work with them again if you want to. You may also like:my boss's horrible kids are trying to destroy us because he disinherited themmy boss's venting is stressing me outmy boss wants to give me his kidney -- but I don't want it { 197 comments }
weekend open thread – June 17-18, 2023 by Alison Green on June 16, 2023 This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand. Here are the rules for the weekend posts. Book recommendation of the week: Every Heart a Doorway, by Seanan McGuire. The story of a home for kids who stumbled into other worlds — like the Narnia kids with the wardrobe, or Alice with the rabbit hole — but then came back to the real world and had trouble adjusting. Darkness lurks. * I make a commission if you use that Amazon link. These are our foster cats, Nermal and Cheerio! If you can give them a home, please apply to adopt them here. You may also like:all of my 2021 and 2022 book recommendationsall of my 2019 and 2020 book recommendationsall of my book recommendations from 2015-2018 { 1,097 comments }
it’s your Friday good news by Alison Green on June 16, 2023 It’s your Friday good news! 1. “I’ve never submitted a question but I’ve been reading your site for years now. I began reading when I started an administrative assistant role at a large healthcare organization. I was unsure how to navigate the more formal, hierarchal environment and trying to figure out how to avoid being pigeon-holed into a secretarial-type career path due to my gender, age, and experience. Your advice, as well as the extremely helpful comments on nearly every post, helped me grow from the administrative assistant role into what ended up being a very visible leadership role at that organization. Unfortunately, though it had great visibility alongside responsibility, the role was not well paid and leadership was unwilling to reconsider the salary despite everything I handled. I stayed for a while, because of the benefits and industry security, but this past summer I became frustrated by the salary stagnation and started to explore other options. I saw a job posting at a company in an adjacent industry that sounded like it was drafted just for me; the role responsibilities covered all my professional areas of interest and then some. I wasn’t going to apply because it felt out of my league. However, your advice about having confidence in your skills and encouraging women to apply for ‘stretch roles’ was ringing in my brain. So, I applied and figured I’d never hear back other than maybe a form rejection email but at least I could say that I had swung at the opportunity. To my utter surprise, I ended up not only being interviewed but being offered the role! However, I was worried because there had been a brief salary discussion during the screening interview, and I feared I may have left money on the table by giving a ballpark number (a few days after that conversation, you gave advice about how to skirt that type of salary question and I could have kicked myself!). But when the salary offer came, it was much higher than I anticipated! Even still, I had the wherewithal to stutter out a counteroffer; again, your advice was whispering in my ear and I had prepared solid reasoning for asking for the additional compensation. The company didn’t give me exactly what I asked for but added an additional $5k into a salary that was already 55% higher than my previous one. The benefits weren’t identical but very similar and the resulting 64% salary increase more than made up for the difference. My new role is much different than my previous experiences but I’m enjoying the challenges that come with being in a new industry and learning something new nearly every day. I don’t think my career path would look the same if it were not for your help.” 2. “I was casually considering applying for other positions but struggling to commit when a position opened at my alma mater. Reading the position description was like reading my own resume; it was a combination of every position I’ve had and I met or exceeded every requirement. I applied, sailed through the interview process, and started my new position in late 2022. It’s been about three months now and I could not be happier. The position is everything that I thought it would be and is actually better than anticipated. I supervise student workers who are passionate and dedicated, but also just a ton of fun to be around. My boss and grand-boss (and great grand-boss and great great grand-boss…which takes us up to the VP of the division) are all fantastic, as are my colleagues. The Dean and VP of the division are people who I knew and worked for as a para-professional when I was a student, so it’s been great to reconnect with them. I’m using my institutional knowledge; my professional expertise and experience; and doing important work that genuinely makes a difference. I look forward to work every day and, while there are things that could improve (as at any job), I have no complaints. And, because of my experience as a student and my professional background, I was able to hit the ground running on day one. I’ve used a ton of tips from AAM already since this is my first supervisory position and also the first position I’ve had where I am truly running an entire (small, but mighty) department. I also used everything I’ve picked up in the past decade-plus as a reader throughout the interview process.” 3. “I’ve been looking for a new job for about a year, but being very particular about where I apply. I’m middle aged and would like to have wherever I land be my final employer. Thus, I needed to ensure it’s in my preferred industry, a healthy culture, and has room for professional and financial growth. I got turned down at the final stages of a few positions I was excited about and I turned down a few offers from employers who weren’t a good cultural fit for me (thank you, Alison, for teaching me that interviewing goes both ways!). It took about three months from my initial application, but I just signed an offer letter from the employer I was most enthusiastic about! It’s a 19% pay increase and I will finally have PTO, health benefits, and paid sick leave after going five years without it! Getting here was a roller coaster. I applied for Big Position A (a stretch, but I felt qualified), interviewed well twice, and then was informed that they decided not to fill Big Position A and asked if I would be interested in applying for Smaller Position B. I loved the company and didn’t want to burn the bridge, so I agreed to hear them out even though this would be a step down in pay and responsibilities. I figured maybe I can work my way up and the benefits would be worth the pay cut. I even negotiated a 5% increase in the previous maximum pay for Smaller Position B before I interviewed for it, which they agreed to. Well, I arrived for my Smaller Position B interview and the CEO and a Director from another department had been given the opportunity to review my resume and they joined the interview. After a bit of chatting the three interviewers began to spitball about all of the ways my experience could help take things off their own plate, advance other objectives, and so forth. The C-suite decided to revamp and reopen Big Position A based on that interview and offered me that position with the higher title and pay! They even allowed me to give a month of notice at my current employer so I can wrap up some important projects and transition my work. So here I am, yet another reader who thought it would never be me sharing Friday Good News, thanking Alison for all of the sage advice and belly laughs over the more than a decade I’ve been reading. Don’t give up hope!” You may also like:our new-grad employees see less glamorous work as beneath themI'm afraid I'm going to get fired -- and I've had this same bad feedback beforeis "secretary" a demeaning title? { 20 comments }
open thread – June 16-17, 2023 by Alison Green on June 16, 2023 It’s the Friday open thread! The comment section on this post is open for discussion with other readers on any work-related questions that you want to talk about (that includes school). If you want an answer from me, emailing me is still your best bet*, but this is a chance to take your questions to other readers. * If you submitted a question to me recently, please do not repost it here, as it may be in my queue to answer. You may also like:I accidentally threw condoms all over my interviewer's deskthe controversial calculator, the highlighter war, and other drama over office supplieshere's a bunch of help finding a new job { 847 comments }
HR said a coworker’s religion “didn’t count,” employer wants me to lie about why I’m leaving, and more by Alison Green on June 16, 2023 It’s four answers to four questions. Here we go… 1. HR said a coworker’s religion “didn’t count” I work in a fairly diverse office of a smattering of beliefs and subcultures. “Jen” belongs to a certain church, big enough in size to be recognizable and certainly recognizable as an official religion. Jen is hardly the proselyting sort and doesn’t bring up her faith in any obvious manner, but people are humans and you learn stuff about people you spend time with. Jen is professional, kind, and no problem at all to work with. A few others in the office started becoming increasingly critical and mocking of Jen’s church to the point that it was exasperating and uncomfortable to be around. A couple of coworkers and I made reasonable efforts to ask it to stop, but eventually took it to HR. We don’t know if Jen ever said anything on her own behalf, but went for our own sake. However, the HR manager said that Jen’s specific church doesn’t count because there are enough people in the office that have a negative opinion with it and that people are allowed those opinions. That I understand, but I had never heard that what I thought was a protected right could be “outvoted” in the workplace. This happened a day ago so I have not taken it up with higher management. Is there some loophole in the law I’m oblivious to? My temptation is to ask for this policy in writing. No, there’s no loophole in the law where employees get to vote on what religious harassment is allowed at work. Your employer is obligated by law to put a stop to any harassment based on religion, period. That’s true no matter how small the religion is and no matter how many people in the office might dislike that religion. As long as your office has 15 or more employees (that’s the threshold to be covered by Title VII of the Civil Rights Act of 1964), anyone with sincerely held religious beliefs is legally required to be protected from harassment and discrimination on the basis of those beliefs. Is your HR person by chance someone with no actual HR training? Did she get assigned to handle HR on top of other, more primary duties, and she has no idea what she’s actually doing? This is such a basic HR concept that there’s no other way I can explain her response … and if she’s getting this one wrong, your company is in real trouble. You should indeed take it up with someone above the HR rep, and you should frame it as, “This is directly in violation of federal law and we’re opening ourselves to a lot of legal liability by proceeding this way.” 2. My employer wants me to lie about why I’m leaving I am a teacher at a small private school, where I’ve been for about a decade, and am very well-liked by my students and parents, past and present. After a very difficult school year, the administration decided not to renew my contract — effectively firing me. The school recently announced that I was leaving, and who my successor would be. Many parents reached out to me, expressing their surprise, how missed I would be, etc. and asking me why I was leaving — great new opportunity? Moving? In my replies, I thanked them for their kind words and told them my contract hadn’t been renewed. Some parents have been very upset about this, and have been telling the same to the administration. The administration, in turn, is angry at me. They’re saying that I am trying to cause reputational damage to the school, and threatened I wouldn’t be allowed to finish the school year if I continued telling parents the truth. I genuinely care about the school (and am desperate to see out the year), so I told them I would give a banal answer from now on and attempt to smooth things over with families who already know. However, have I actually done anything wrong? I’m being made to feel I did something unspeakably bad; from my perspective, if parents are that upset about the truth, then that’s the school’s problem, not mine. So, have I done anything wrong? No, you haven’t done anything wrong. If the school thinks there’s something shameful about the truth, that’s on them, not on you. They should be prepared to stand by their decision and, if they feel it was the right one, should be able to respond to parents who are upset about it. What exactly do they want you to say to parents who ask why you’re leaving? Are they hoping you’ll lie? Be vague to the point that it’s basically a lie? Obviously they’d have standing to be upset if you were trash-talking them (“yeah, it’s awful; the management here sucks”) but if you’re simply saying “my contract wasn’t renewed so I’ll be moving on” … that’s the reality of it. If they’re asking you to protect them from parents knowing that they chose not to re-employ you, that’s BS. Read an update to this letter. 3. Applying for an unposted position when I already applied for another job with the same company I applied for a job about three weeks ago. It is still live on the employer’s website. However, last week, an acquaintance shared a job at the same employer with many of the duties listed in the original posting with a different job title. This new job description is much more closely aligned to what I am looking for, but it’s not posted anywhere yet. Should I reach out to the employer to ask if I should apply for the unposted position? What might that email look like? Rather than asking and hoping they’ll respond before applications close (since they may not), just go ahead and apply for the second position. In your cover letter, include a mention that you also applied for the X position and if this one is open, you’d like to be considered for it too. 4. “I must have your password” Attached is a memo that our office dug out of a bunch of old junk that we found while preparing to move to another building. I think it is a shining example of authoritarian, blustering madness and is a worthy companion to the I WILL CONFRONT YOU BY WEDNESDAY letter. We are a newspaper office and this guy was a former publisher. He ended up being fired for, as my boss says, “having mood problems and taking stuff to help.” Here is the memo verbatim, misspellings and all: Attention all employees using company equipment! I am tired of trying to get onto computers for one reason or another and not being able to as there are passwords to log into the computer and I don’t have the proper password!! The computers are property of XXX Company. I am not concerned with the fact that you may be checking Facebook or if you are using it to chat with friends (as long as you are getting your work done and done in a timely manner). I AM CONCERNED with the fact that should something happen to you and we need BUSINESS information from your computer I MUST have access to it. From this moment on: If you have a password set on your computer to log into you MUST provide it to me immediately. IF you change your password then you must immediately let me know what it is for the file kept in my office in locked file. Any employee not responding to or any employee that is found to have a password other than what I know it to be as the password will be immediately written up for insubordination. Company policy is that after 2 write-ups and upon the 3rd violation is grounds for immediate termination. I will randomly be checking every ones machine to check this policy! This must be shared. Thank you. You may also like:how do I handle questions about my religion at work meetings?how can I get my coworker to stop talking about God?my boss wants to bring me back into the religious fold { 499 comments }
update: I feel no ambition whatsoever at work by Alison Green on June 15, 2023 It’s a special “where are you now?” season at Ask a Manager and I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Remember the letter-writer who felt no ambition whatsoever at work? Here’s the update. Your comment that I was probably not in the right field wasn’t news to me, but I wasn’t moving at the time because I felt stuck. It’s hard to explain, but it was almost like the follow up to being a first generation college student and having no idea what’s going on is just becoming a first generation professional and having no idea what’s going on. A lot of stories I saw online about people moving in and out of my field talked about using connections to make small lateral changes until they got into something they liked without ever having to make a BIG change all at once. I had no idea how to do that! So I didn’t. About 9 months after this letter got published I walked into my boss’s office and handed in my two weeks, with no job lined up and no plan. I’m lucky to have been able to do that, and I will forever be grateful to my fiancé who bore the weight of our combined finances for half a year while I figured stuff out. After five years of college and then three years of working and hoping I’d figure it out as I went, I didn’t feel like I was getting any closer just trucking on. I stayed too tired and burnt out all of the time to tackle the problem while working. So I quit, and I picked up a part time job while I played around with different ideas, doing research and talking to friends and family, and ultimately I landed at a library. You don’t know me, but when my mom told my old high school teachers I was a librarian now they said that was the most [me] thing they could imagine! It’s funny, I love books and information and organization but libraries had never occurred to me. I just kind of remember someone saying to me “loving books isn’t enough to be a librarian” when I was young and that kind of turned me off of it forever. And, well, loving books isn’t the only thing you need to be good at librarianship, but it sure does make it more fun. My job now is a lot more low impact, low stress, and I find myself in a helper and educator position all the time, interacting with people who really need me, and I love it. I still do struggle to put together five year career plans, and don’t feel much need to “advance”! I’m happy to just keep at it. But otherwise I’d say I’m at a complete one-eighty from two years ago. And for the readers who were very concerned about me pursuing grad school due to the cost: with help from my employers and a hefty scholarship from the university, I’m starting an MLIS program in the fall at no cost to me (in my state the degree is required for Professional Librarian certification). Thanks so much again for answering. Even though I already knew some of what you had to say, your words were encouraging to me and you did tell me how to navigate the issue in the moment, which is advice thats continued to serve me in similar conversations. You may also like:I feel no ambition whatsoever at workhow can I explain why I went to a for-profit school?here's a real-life example of a fantastic cover letter { 121 comments }
updates: the blame-throwing employee, wearing a wedding ring to an interview, and more by Alison Green on June 15, 2023 It’s a special “where are you now?” season at Ask a Manager and I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are four updates from past letter-writers. There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back– there’s more to come today! 1. My employee blames others for her mistakes (first update here) As I said last time, we got new software which would be essential in tracking her productivity and completion of tasks as opposed to relying on Excel spreadsheets that kept mysteriously “disappearing” or becoming corrupted. I was gathering my evidence and around the time I felt I had enough, I was on Indeed searching for a clinician (there’s a country-wide shortage of our clinicians right now, so I check Indeed once a week or so for new resumes) and found her resume posted just the day before. (She’s not a clinician but of course used the key words.) I immediately posted the position and began interviews, and though it took a few months, I found someone who I think is going to be fantastic. It’s also important to note that her attitude and work quality declined immensely to the point where not only did I have to have a conversation with her (which she denied everything, as per my first email), but my boss had to have a conversation with her after other coworkers complained (where she still denied everything), and multiple patients contacted me about her attitude towards them. As I also mentioned previously, we work in different locations, and while I tried to work with her at least once a week, I’ve had someone on leave and was training a new person so I haven’t been there in a while except when she called out sick (6 times in the past 3 months, and usually on a Monday…). When I walked in, it was clear she knew that something was up – and she handled it about as well as I expected: pretty much a total temper tantrum. My character, my boss’s character, my business practices, and more were maligned. She yelled about a whole lot of nonsense, and told me I’d be hearing from her lawyer no fewer than eight times: cheating her out of wages on this final paycheck (you literally have the paystub in front of you!), putting her unused PTO in the same paycheck (she didn’t want taxes taken out of it even though I told her that taxes are taken out from PTO just like regular wages), cheating her out of PTO (even though I enclosed an accounting of every accrual and use from the day she started, because I had a feeling), ageism, that she can’t afford COBRA (I don’t control health insurance prices!), because I was penalizing her for an unexcused absence earlier this week (this was already in the works but that certainly didn’t help), because she decided the termination was retaliation for blaming someone else for another of her mistakes just an hour beforehand, and for breaching a contract (we are an at-will state and have no contract specifying a length of time for the job) – just as I expected and wrote five months ago. We’ll see whether I hear from her lawyer, but I’m glad I was able to gather evidence I needed before letting her go. If she does find the funds for a lawyer, I’m pretty confident that we’ll come out unscathed. I’m watching our socials/review sites, but hopefully this whole thing is over with. Thanks for your help! 2. Should I wear my wedding ring to an interview? I used your advice and did not wear my engagement ring to the interview. I chose a plain band instead. I’m excited to share that I got the job and start in a few weeks! In previous interviews with this employer, I had shared my desired salary band of $X to $XX. When making the job offer, the HR person offered me $XX right away – and seeing that it is 25% more than I make now – I happily accepted. In hindsight, I don’t think the ring would have affected the salary negotiations, but I do think it would have been a distraction and pulled attention away from the substance of the interview. Many of the commenters were focused on the issue of me showing up to work with a wedding ring after not wearing one to the interview. The job is mostly remote so it won’t be an issue much of the time. When I do interact with my new colleagues in person, I doubt anyone will remember which ring I wore previously. This was my first in-person interview as a married person, and the first time I’ve had to consider the fact that some folks may have an unconscious bias that because I’m a married woman, children must be in my immediate future. Who knows if that thought factored into anyone’s opinion – but I’m taking this as a win. Thank you for your great advice and the support of the commenters. I’ll continue to be a dedicated AAM reader! 3. My male colleagues wait for me to set up all our meetings (even meetings I’m not in) By the time this letter was published, I had proposed a few times and the meeting had been scheduled. (One of the males brought a female associate in to do his scheduling, which reinforced the problem.) A few complications that might help clarify: – The meeting I wrote about was a meeting I needed to attend too, not one I was just handing off to the two men. So I was implicated in the scheduling, and I did care (though maybe less than they did) about being included in the final scheduled meeting. – We are at different organizations, so there was no easy Outlook option. – Once I dropped out of the conversation, I think the whole thing died. Which does reinforce how much women are relied upon to schedule things! I’d also just add that a number of people in the comments were very pro-Calendly, but I’d remind people to think of the power dynamics. Whomever fills out the Calendly link is taking more time than the other person to schedule the meeting. And very often, as the comments revealed, women are more often asked to do that scheduling, even when the meeting was requested by a man! 4. When I ask for a raise, my company asks what more I’m willing to take on to justify it (#2 at the link; first update here) I’m still handling my old duties (at my new salary). My hours are still way too many. My workload continues to bloat as new and old responsibilities collide on an already overcrowded plate. And all the things I didn’t have time for before (and tried multiple times to develop a strategy to deal with it) start shouldering their way to the front of the priority list with no real plan in place to deal with it. I’ve had some follow-up conversations with my boss about my promotion but so far nothing has happened. I’ve heard little bits and pieces about what I will be taking over and finally got a glimmer of what will be coming off my desk. When? Who knows. There’s supposed to be an official announcement and discussion of job duties “soon.” What is new is… I’m in therapy! After an extremely rough patch at work that left me feeling gaslit and frustrated, I found a therapist! So I have been spending this time trying to learn how to establish healthy boundaries, be okay with leaving at 5 (why is that so hard?!), and deal with the perfectionism I apparently have. I’m focusing on what I can control right now: me. I am fighting for a healthy work/life balance, trying to convince myself that’s okay and that I deserve it, and making myself a priority. Because as a very wise manager advice columnist once advised, “Don’t invest in their success at the expense of your own.” So I am trying to invest in myself right now and gain as many new skills and experiences as I can to set myself up for success…wherever that might lead! You may also like:mistakes at work: a round-upmy employee blames others for her mistakes, lying about when you left your last job, and moreI'm not productive every single minute of every day { 62 comments }
updates: company asked for documentation of my dietary restrictions, I’m afraid people at work will think I’m being abused, and more by Alison Green on June 15, 2023 It’s a special “where are you now?” season at Ask a Manager and I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are three updates from past letter-writers. There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day. 1. My company asked for documentation of my dietary restrictions (#2 at the link) I followed up with both my organization’s parent organization and my supervisor. From the parent organization I received only the following vague text: “interpretation of policy” and a link to the policy. My supervisor emailed citing the parent organization’s policy that food costs are not covered when they are included with a conference registration and noting that funds for professional development are to defray travel costs and may not cover the entirety of expenses. In a meeting with my supervisor following this email, I noted that the travel was a meeting that’s core to my position responsibilities and not a conference. Thus there was no registration fee and this wasn’t professional development. I also noted that technically I wasn’t provided a meal. I noted too that while I have medical documentation for gluten intolerance, I do not have medical documentation for not eating pork and beef, and that my colleague’s meal was covered. I also noted that getting medical documentation required time from the employee and doctor’s office and depending on the doctor’s office could require a copay. I reiterated that this experience did not foster a culture of inclusivity. From my supervisor I learned that the organization’s business office has been dealing with many, many instances of employees going to conferences with meals provided and choosing to eat elsewhere due to *preferences* (not allergies, intolerances, or dietary restrictions) and so the business office is getting a lot of pushback from the parent organization for *any* exceptions to the policy from the parent organization. It was clear that if I don’t want to pay for this meal, I need to provide medical documentation or follow-up with the parent organization. Given that I’m tired of dealing with this modest meal cost, I’ve sent a screen capture from my doctor’s health portal. I completely understand that the organization should not be paying for meals twice (e.g. conference registration + restaurant meal) because of an employee’s preferences and I am also disappointed with the blanket hardline approach and that the nuances to my situation (not a conference, no registration, not professional development) are being dismissed by the parent organization. Update to the update: The screen capture of my health portal with the gluten intolerance note circled in red was sufficient and my organization paid for the meal. 2. I’m afraid people at work will think I’m being abused (#2 at the link; first update here) I’m the one who first wrote you laughing about how I’m so clumsy that people thought something terrible had happened to me but eventually got a game-changing diagnosis after your readers urged me to check in with a doctor. My last update was just under a year ago, and a lot has happened since then! My manager at the new job from my last update continued to be an incredible support, even when six weeks of physical therapy turned into five months. However, problems started to arise last summer that ended up being indicative of a pretty toxic corporate culture. At one point, our billion-dollar parent company decided furniture movers were too expensive, so on-site admin staff were suddenly required to do a lot of heavy lifting. I had to get an exemption under ADA, because even though my collarbone was doing great, the amount of physical labor that was expected was way more than I’ll ever be able to do again. Weirdly, that ended up being the spark for some major drama of dubious legality in a series of semi-related incidents over the course of several months. During a few of the dramatic incidents, I found myself drafting emails to you that I never bothered sending because I knew what you’d say: the situation wasn’t normal, safe, or ethical and the chances of me single-handedly fixing such a messed up and hostile workplace were slim to none. Once again I heard your commenters in the back of my mind, this time telling me to run for the hills. The good news: I just accepted an offer for a new position! It’s a 55% increase in pay with way more PTO, mostly WFH, and the person who recommended I apply says it’s the healthiest, most functional workplace she’s ever had. I’ll get to travel more, help underserved communities, and feel good about my professional life. More good news: while I continue to be something of a medical novelty (my collarbone x-rays were at one point being used as a teaching tool), I’ve seen a significant and sustained decrease in accidents. I’m definitely not graceful by any means, but I’m getting there. Thank you (and the commenters!) again for the support, even if it was sometimes just in my mind. 3. How honest can I be with recruiters that money is the only reason I want to leave my current job? Well, I ended up using an offer I received from one of those recruiters to get a counter offer from my current employer. I was totally prepared for them to lowball me, but true to their word, they matched my offer. The amount ended up being 5x the raise they traditionally give! On top of this, I’ll still be eligible for our yearly increase in a few months. So really, I’ll be making even more than the other company offered me in about 90 days. I also used this time to negotiate a few other perks and benefits I had been wanting – always negotiate! The worst they can say is no. I know you usually recommend against taking a counter offer from your current employer, but I do still love the job and now they’re paying me exactly what I asked for (and soon, more!). I believed my boss when they told me they were bound by the company’s raise structure, and I appreciate that they shared with me a way to get around it. We’ve always had a good relationship and I honestly would have hated to leave their team if I hadn’t gotten the match I wanted. A good boss is truly invaluable. In a total coincidence, I’ve also been assigned some new projects that I’m so excited to be working on, things I’ve literally been waiting years for. I have no doubt I made the right choice and am so happy my company came through for me! Thank you to everyone who gave advice in the comments. More than anything else you all convinced me to just go ahead and see what I could do to change my current situation — and I did! You may also like:my coworker is always dieting -- do we have to accommodate her?how honest can I be with recruiters that money is the only reason I want to leave my current job?coworkers have infested the office with gnats, asking for documentation for dietary restrictions, and more { 70 comments }
what’s the pettiest thing you’ve done at work (or seen done)? by Alison Green on June 15, 2023 One of the most amusing things about work is how just plain petty it can make people. Here are some excellent stories of pettiness that have been shared here over the years: • “At one of my early jobs one of my coworkers was a, shall we say, interesting character. She was called out about something in a meeting and was fuming at the rest of us. The next morning she came in, went into the rest room, and then went into her boss’ office to quit on the spot. She left without a word to anyone else. Later it was discovered that she had removed every roll of toilet tissue from the rest room.” • “I’m a graphic designer for a company that has a lot of athlete ambassadors, and thus a lot of my coworkers fancy themselves elite athletes as well (they’re not). For a New Year’s post on social media, we had a ‘meet the team’ post where everyone on the team had a picture and a bio of them using their favorite athletic product we manufacture. I have one coworker who particularly thinks he’s god’s gift to the world and has a huge ego about his supposed athletic ability, and it drives me INSANE. So as the graphic designer, I built out all of the posts before posting on the brand’s social media. This coworker put one of his personal records in his bio, so I decided to take his bloated ego down a couple pegs and added a zero to the end of his record time. After it was posted, he noticed immediately and had a total temper tantrum, crying about how people are now going to think he’s super slow! It was so *chef’s kiss* satisfying.” • “When I worked as a cashier in Target, if a customer was especially horrible to me (seriously though, why are some people so mean to cashiers) I would start to scan the items on the conveyor belt slower…and slower…..a n d s l o w e r.. .. .. . .a n d s l o w e r . . . . until I could see them seething at my incredibly frustrating pace. I would take their money and punch in the amount slowly and bag their items at the same pace too. And to make sure they knew I was being a d*ck specifically to THEM, I would then make sure they saw me scan and bag the next customer’s items very fast as they collected their bagged items. I’m lucky I never received a complaint.” • “A coworker, Jane, was very protective of her lunch hour (and the culture of our office was you eat lunch when possible and sometimes that might be late or early to accommodate other meetings, so her attitude was out of sync with the office). We had a grandboss who liked to schedule meetings right at lunchtime, and when Jane asked for them to be moved for her lunch, grandboss said just bring lunch in with you if needed. So Jane brought in a loaf of bread, peanut butter and jelly jars, and a tray of cheeses and proceeded to make everyone in the meeting a sandwich and cheese plate during the meeting. Neither she nor the grandboss blinked at this, and for a while we all had yummy veggie trays, sandwiches, and once a full salmon (like the entire grilled fish cut into servings conference table side) during lunchtime meetings. It was the craziest showdown ever- and both people were pretty miserable so it was great to watch.” We need more of these stories. Let’s hear about the pettiest thing you’ve ever done at work, or seen done. Share in the comments! You may also like:I quit a new job after they took away my office, and my friend says I'm being pettythe stolen toilet paper, the fake committee, and other petty moments at workmy coworker doesn't want me to have a communal candy dish because of temptation { 1,104 comments }