Ask a Manager

It’s four answers to four questions. Here we go…

1. Coworker talks about his religion all the time

I have a coworker who talks about his religion frequently and loudly in our open-concept space. Currently I’m far enough away that, while I can tell that these (one-sided) conversations are happening, I blessedly cannot hear every word and can easily tune them out. However, that will be changing in the next couple of months, as I will be moving to the workspace directly adjacent to his. Worse, the religion he is so keen to discuss is the same one I myself was raised in and left (due to the fact that I personally find this particular church to be dishonest and immoral). The thought of having to sit and listen to him casually proselytize this religion at work is giving me anxiety! Would it be okay for me to gently push back against discussing this subject when it comes up? If so, can you give me a script or a tactic to do this in a professional way? Or is religion such an untouchable subject that I will just have to deal with it?

The opposite, actually — you are protected by federal law from unwelcome religious proselytism at work. If you ask him to stop and he refuses, you can escalate to your company’s HR because that would be religious harassment, and they’re legally required to put a stop to it.

You should first tell him clearly that you don’t want to discuss religion at work. Any of these would do it:

* “I don’t want to discuss religion at work.”
* “I consider religion very private and don’t want to talk about it at work.”
* “I’m not comfortable discussing religion at work.”

If he continues after that, bring it to HR — and definitely use the word “proselytize” if that’s what he’s doing, as well as “religious harassment” either way.

Alternately, a different option would be to raise it now, framed as “I’m concerned about moving my desk next to Cedric because I don’t want to hear religious proselytism while I’m working. Can you ensure he stops or move me somewhere else?”

2. We get in trouble if we take all our allotted sick days

My husband has a very generous PTO package that includes sick time, personal time, and vacation time, all banked separately, and two weeks off paid during the holidays that does not come out of their PTO bank (plus regular holidays).

They technically have 12 sick days, but in practice, it’s only 10. Why? They write you up if you take sick time after already using 10 days. Someone was recently fired after using all of their sick days (I don’t know the full story though and there were other issues, but it was generally known that using those last two sick days, and possibly going beyond, was part of it). I’m not sure what the consequences are if you used up all 12 and try to take an unpaid sick day.

I imagine that if you’re otherwise a good employee, it won’t go further than a write-up, and a valued coworker did push back on the write-up after an obvious medical incident (broken limb) and was successful. What do you think about this? When asked why they don’t just have 10 sick days, the response is usually “because then they’d (the higher-ups) start writing you up after eight.” I know that the big boss gets a bonus if not all of the sick days are used (this guy allegedly has taken kickbacks in other situations that have screwed over employees as well, so he’s kind of scummy and I’m sure this is the reason for the policy).

If someone were to get fired for using their sick time (not beyond the 12 given days), would they have a case for wrongful termination, if, hypothetically, they didn’t have any other performance issues? Is there something wrong with this aside from just being an icky practice?

This is incredibly messed up! Don’t tell people they have X sick days and then fire them for taking X sick days. If you do, then they do not in fact have X sick days. This is such a weird way to make sure people are off-balance and don’t trust anything you tell them.

However, in the U.S., wrongful termination doesn’t mean “fired for something unfair.” That’s actually not illegal on its own. Wrongful termination is firing someone for a reason that is specifically forbidden by law, like firing someone because of their race or religion or as retaliation for engaging in legally protected behavior (like reporting discrimination or harassment). However, this would be illegal if they fired someone who should have been protected by FMLA or the ADA. If neither of those laws was in play, it could still be illegal if they enforce the policy in ways that have a disparate impact along race or gender lines (or any of the other protected characteristics) or if they were in a state that required offering 12 sick days (although among the small number of states that require sick leave, I don’t think any of them mandate that many days).

3. My HR director won’t stop asking me to go kayaking

I am employed by a large company with a fully operational HR department. I am a senior manager within the operations team. I frequently interact with the HR department and maintain positive relationships with all team members. A few years back, the HR director discovered that I have a penchant for kayaking during the summer, which happens to be an interest we share. Over the course of three years, as each summer approaches, the HR director insists on us going kayaking together. While I generally enjoy kayaking with others, my professional relationship with the HR director has made me somewhat apprehensive and cautious. I have made a concerted effort to maintain a professional and cordial dynamic with her and we do have a good working relationship. However, I do not completely trust her. I have seen how she treats people that upset her and get on her bad side. She wouldn’t just treat me differently but she may also treat the managers that I work with badly if I piss her off in some way.

In the past, I have managed to defer the invitation with responses like “Yes, we should do that sometime,” and then I move on without us ever making any solid plans. I was hoping that she would eventually drop the idea. However, with summer here she has brought up kayaking yet again. At this point, I feel compelled to accompany her at least once, even though I am not inclined to do so. I wish I could convey to her that I generally avoid socializing with colleagues, but she is aware that I am friends with a member of her team (a friendship that predates my employment), and we often spend time together. How can I politely decline her invitation without negatively affecting our working relationship?

Can you plausibly say you don’t think you’re going to be able to make time for any kayaking (even on your own) this summer because you’re swamped with family commitments? This would require that you not regularly post photos of yourself kayaking on Slack or so forth, but it could be the easiest way to shut it down.

Otherwise, I think you will need to point her to this story.

Read an update to this letter. 

4. When to tell my company about an upcoming medical leave when I don’t know the dates yet

I’m trans masculine (they/them pronouns), and am on the waiting list to get top surgery. My projected wait-time puts my surgery dates sometime between September and November this year. I’ll be out for at least a couple days for the actual treatment, and probably at least a week following that for recovery. (All of which is highly variable depending on how the surgery goes, natch.)

I’m having a bit of a dilemma on when to tell my company that I’ll be needing that time. From talking with friends who’ve had the same treatment, some of them got a month or two’s notice, some of them got a call that a place had opened up in a week, and would they like to take it. Given the state of the NHS at the moment, I will 100% be taking whatever I am offered. But there’s also a possibility that there will be further delays and I won’t get a date until early 2024.

Complicating the unknown dates is that Sep-Nov is our busy period. Normally folks are only allowed a day or two in a row of holiday time at that time of year. (Obviously I will be taking the time I need to recover and that’s non-negotiable, but just to illustrate the situation.) I’m one of only two perm staff who do my specific job, so losing me for a week will put strain on the team, and schedules will need to be changed.

Do I let my manager know that I might need to take medical time off sometime in that busy window, just so he’s got some warning in case it does happen, or do I wait until I have more concrete information from my surgeon on the dates? On the one hand, giving some warning feels like it would be kind, especially if the date does fall in our busy period, just so no one’s blindsided (and also to quell the intrusive medical questions); on the other hand, it’s early enough that since I don’t have concrete dates it feels like it might just get forgotten anyways or not be practical/useful information for him?

I’ve talked about it with a few friends and some are on the “more info is always useful” side, and some are on the “you don’t owe your employer anything” side. I was mostly convinced by the “more info” side, and started trying to draft an email to my manager about it, but I just couldn’t find words that made it feel … useful to say. I do have a 1:1 scheduled in a couple weeks which could be a decent time to bring it up verbally rather than in writing, but … again, I’m just not sure. Would you as a manager want a heads-up about a maybe thing, or would you prefer to not think about it until there was a set date? Is giving them the heads up a kindness or does it set expectations in a way that isn’t helpful since I don’t have a date yet?

To some extent it probably depends on the nature of the work and what your manager is like. All else being equal, I’d always prefer more info than less, but I’m not sure there’s much they can do with it here. But there is something to be said for mental preparation, so that when you do know your dates, it’s “here’s that thing I mentioned would be coming” rather than “surprise, I will be gone gone for 10 days or more during our busy period, goodbye.” It’s not that the latter is unworkable — sometimes emergencies come up with no advance notice and people make do — but when you have the option for the former, it can be helpful to offer it. So I’m in favor of that, assuming your manager is a generally reasonable person and won’t spend the whole time between now and then hassling you about whether you’ve confirmed a date yet.

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. How can I avoid work travel to anti-choice states?

Do you have any advice for people who are pregnant and aren’t comfortable traveling to anti-choice states?

I’m eight weeks along, and I found out today that I may be asked to travel to Texas for work. The trip would take place about a week and a half from now. I work remotely and am based on the west coast. Some of my colleagues are on the west coast and others are on the east coast, so HR has arranged a meeting for leadership alignment in Texas. I don’t travel a lot for work, but I’m in a new role as a supervisor (my first!), so this would ordinarily be a good opportunity for me. Additionally, I’m pretty new to the company (less than four months).

To be honest, I’m not comfortable traveling at all right now. I’m not feeling well, and I don’t think I handle the restaurant food and catering that would be involved in a 3-4 day work trip. Beyond that, I’m not willing going to a place where I might be denied emergency medical care if I needed it.

If I am asked to go, I’m not sure how to address this. I could speak to my direct manager or the HR leader (who I have a pretty good relationship with). I think they would be understanding if I explained why I can’t and don’t want to travel. However, I really, really, *really* don’t want to disclose my pregnancy now. I’m a really private person, and it’s been a horrible, stressful experience, so I’d prefer not to talk about it with anyone at work.

Any suggestions on what I can say or do? I feel like I may be backed into a corner here: either I have to disclose private medical information far earlier than I’m comfortable doing so, or I have to travel to a place where pregnant women’s lives aren’t valued.

Frankly, anyone who has the ability to become pregnant, even if they don’t think they are currently, should be concerned about traveling to anti-choice states right now, given the implications for their medical care should an emergency arise. But that’s a hard stance for most people take when they’re new to a job.

Given that, I think it’s going to be tough to explain without disclosing your pregnancy or at least hinting at it. But hinting at it is an option — you could, in theory, say something like, “Due to some health things right now, I’m not able to travel to a state where I might be denied emergency medical care if I needed it.” Or even leave the first part off and just say, “I’m not able to travel to a state where I might be denied emergency medical care if I needed it.” Any reasonably savvy person is likely to read between the lines and understand what you’re probably saying, but it might let you avoid a more explicit disclosure that could open up a conversation about your pregnancy, upcoming leave, etc. Or, on the other hand, you might find it simpler to just disclose, as the least bad of a bunch of bad options.

I’m sorry you have to deal with this at an already stressful time.

2. How do I screen out bad companies when I’m interviewing?

I’m currently unemployed, and have been applying for jobs and interviewing with no luck for almost a year, and so I have seen a total range of interviewer styles. Your “ask the readers” post about good companies got me thinking about a question I’ve been struggling with as I do my interviews.

What sorts of questions can a candidate ask to try to gauge whether a company is one of the “good ones?” Obviously some things, like a company’s benefits and leave policy, can be pretty cut and dry, but I always wonder how candid current employees are when I ask questions like “can you tell me about the company’s culture/values?” Are there better/more specific questions I should be asking to determine if a workplace would be a good one to work at?

I actually don’t think there are questions that reliably get at this if the company is bad. It’s not so much that interviewers deliberately lie (although some do), but they often have huge blind spots, spout corporate BS without really thinking it through, or soften the truth enough that you don’t get an accurate picture. I’ve yet to come across a question you can ask that will reliably cut through those tendencies; no matter the question, bad employers will regularly give decent-sounding or even great-sounding responses to it.

So rather than relying on interview questions, I recommend digging into the company in other ways. One of the best ways is to talk to people outside of the formal interview process — either by using your network to find people who have worked for the company before or by asking if you can talk with some of their current employees (once you’re at the finalist stage or the offer stage). There’s advice on how to do that here.

3. My new coworker has untreated pink eye

I work for a team that is undergoing a structural shift. It’s a fast-paced project and they recently brought on new management and they are doubling our team in size. I’m trying to train up my new coworkers to take over some of my duties. One of them, Stella, just joined us on Monday.

Stella seems nice enough, and I’m holding out hope that she’s a fast learner. The issue is that she quite obviously has pink eye. Not to be too graphic, but her right eye has noticeable discharge. It’s not pleasant to look at, but the larger issue is that SHE TOUCHES HER EYE. I watched her wipe away the discharge and then SHAKE SOMEONE’S HAND in the same 20 minutes while I was giving her a training session.

I don’t know if she realizes what’s going on with her eye, but now I’m painfully worried that she’s going to spread it around the office. I disinfected my desk after she worked next to me for a bit yesterday. But I realized all the other things she must be touching — bathroom stalls and handles, kitchen appliances, doorknobs, conference room table and chairs…

Should I approach her? Should I sneakily slide a pink eye printout onto her desk? Please help, it’s driving me crazy with anxiety. I really really don’t want pink eye.

I’m normally not a proponent of unsolicited health advice because (a) it’s generally none of your business and (b) you could be entirely wrong about what’s going on with someone.

But in this case, given how highly contagious pink eye is, I think there’s room to say, “I’m sorry to be intrusive, but it looks like you might have pink eye, which can be very contagious. If I’m wrong or overstepping, I apologize but I wanted to mention it since there are some important precautions to avoid spreading it.”

I don’t love that! If Stella has some chronic eye condition that’s not pink eye, she’s probably awfully tired of people assuming it is. But I do think that in this very specific case, you’ve got some standing to mention it — once — because of the contagion factor.

Of course, it’s also true that there’s a wide range of communicable diseases that any of your coworkers could be spreading around your office at any time, but without the visibility of conjunctivitis. That’s not going to help your anxiety, I realize — and it’s not a reason not to be concerned about the specific situation right in front of you. But as a general rule, it’s smart to assume that’s the case and take whatever precautions that makes you want to take.

4. I accidentally implied to my new manager I might only be staying a year

I started a new job on Monday, my second job out of college. I realized while lying awake tonight that I might have accidentally implied to my new manager on Monday that I might only stay for a year or two. I told her I was interested in doing a master’s program in a year or two, and I forgot to tell her that it would be part-time (the company has tuition reimbursement). It was just so clear in my head that it would be part-time that I just didn’t say it out loud. Do you think this made a bad impression on her that I might have a foot out the door, leading to her not putting me on projects? I’m going to tell her I’m planning on a part-time program when I see her in the office on Thursday — is that a good idea?

Yep, clear it up just in case she did misunderstand and is wondering whether you announced on your first day that you plan to leave in a year. Of course, she might not have thought that — but there’s no harm in addressing it if she didn’t.

I’d say it this way: “Earlier this week, I mentioned I might want to do a master’s program in a year or two. I realized I should have mentioned that if I did, it would be a part-time program, not something I would leave my job for. I wanted to make sure I didn’t inadvertently give you the wrong impression about that!”

Read an update to this letter. 

5. What name should I apply to jobs under?

I am a college student wrapping up my junior year, and I have a (hopefully low-stakes) question about applying for summer internships: what name do I apply under? Specifically, I only ever go by my middle name. No particularly deep reason for this, I just think my middle name suits me and strongly dislike my first name. In my experience, it hasn’t been a huge problem for me to use my middle name, but I don’t want to unintentionally apply for internships under a false name or otherwise make myself look weird! So far, I have been titling my resume and signing my cover letters with the name I actually go by (“Middle Last”), but including a note in the section of the resume that has my contact information (“Legal name: First Middle Last”). But that feels instinctively like an awkward way to handle this. What would you suggest? Is there even a reason to include my legal first name in my application at all?

Definitely use the name you go by on your resume (Middle Last). You don’t even really need to include that note with your full legal name. The only time you’d need to include your first name is if you’re signing something that requires you to attest that all the info is full and accurate (and even in some of those cases you could use First Initial, Middle Name, Last Name if you wanted to). But this is really common — employers are very used to applicants whose resumes say Valencia Smith and then turn out to be Penelope Valencia Smith when it comes time for legal forms, payroll, etc.

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Employee called in sick on a day I knew she didn’t want to work

I manage a department which operates 24/7. To be honest, the job is low pay and the work is challenging and stressful and under strenuous conditions. This leads to high turnover, plenty of call-ins, etc. In short, it is not my company, so there is little I can do to change the pay, but I do my best to improve the working conditions and make it more friendly and inviting to work there.

I have an employee on one shift, Amanda, who rarely ever works weekends, since she took care of her mother-in-law with cancer on those days. Of course I was accommodating to this.

Her mother-in-law passed away 1-2 weeks ago. When I was informed of this, I started to schedule her again on the weekends and she was surprised and not happy and requested a change via email, though I explained I needed to be fair to others on the team who do not get weekends off as often as she did in the past. Amanda has a lot of personal issues and calls in sick more frequently than the average individual.

Today is Saturday and she has called in sick due to vomiting. I have a hard time believing that she is being honest based on the fact that she does not want to work Saturdays. I saw her last night and she looked fine, but obviously things can change quickly. The interesting thing is that she mentioned she would be okay to come in on Sunday (tomorrow) and she knew this, as though she can 100% work that day, but not Saturday due to feeling unwell. Not sure how someone can be positive they’ll be fine the next day, but not today.

Should I drop this and accept it and see if a pattern arises on the days which are less preferred for her or ask for a doctor’s note (even though she has said she cannot get one)? I know little good can come from arguing about how reliable and trustworthy she is being, but I worry that letting it go sends a message that people can call in sick and give literally any reason why without it being discussed.

There are two separate issues here: First, Amanda’s mother-in-law, who she’s been caring for, only died one to two weeks ago! That’s much too recent to have just put her back on the schedule for weekends without even discussing it with her first. Why not give her some time for bereavement, and then have a real conversation about her schedule before changing it? If I were Amanda, I’d be feeling pretty put off by that — like you weren’t treating me as a fellow human who had just experienced something awful.

The sick day is a separate issue. As a general rule, you should default to believing your employees unless there’s a clear and compelling reason not to. If someone develops a pattern of unreliability, then you address the pattern — but in general, pushing back on a single sick day is a bad move. If Amanda’s overall reliability is an issue, talk to her about it (although ideally you’d give her some grace right now because she just had a death in the family), but wait to see if there’s a pattern before you act. Don’t ask for a doctor’s note for a single day of sickness, for all the reasons here.

2. My boss slept with my boyfriend

I recently had a horrible break-up with my man of four years, and we just had a baby boy back in October. When I came back to work because we really needed the money, shortly after I found out that my boss was the reason for all this. She was sleeping with him, and when he left he moved right in with her. I’m devastated and heartbroken. I had to quit because I could not bear to think of working and having to listen to her tell me what to do. What do you think I should do? I lost everything because of her?

I’m sorry that happened. It would be awful under any circumstances, but to find out that your boss — someone with whom there’s a certain vulnerability built into the relationship and who you generally assume isn’t actively working to destroy your personal life — was the person your partner was cheating with would add a whole additional level of betrayal to an already horrible situation.

When you ask what you should do, I think you’re wondering if there’s something official you can do professionally — like filing a complaint? In theory you could try that (most companies do not want their managers sleeping with employees’ partners and it’s possible they’d be interested to know that’s why you quit) but there’s not really anything for you to gain by doing that (and the potential for a lot of drama on top of what’s already happened). I’d rather see you leave her in your past and focus on moving forward.

3. Was I wrong to be bothered by my coworkers’ coffee clique?

Years ago, I worked on a small team (six people) that would have several meetings a week at the beginning of the day. Often just the six of us, sometimes with an extra few people from other teams. We were very tight-knit and worked really well together.

Three of the people on our team were a little more social outside of work — they attended the same church. I was also closer to one of those three; we had attended grad school together recently. The thing I’m wondering about is that every Friday those three would all show up to the meeting with coffee for each other, and not anyone else. It always had one of their names on it so it was obvious it was like a rotating, reciprocal scenario. I am not saying I expect other people to buy me coffee, but it 100% made me feel left out and sad about not being included. I was young and it was my first real job so I never spoke up, but I’m wondering if I was too sensitive and should have just let it go, if it really was as rude as I perceived it, and if there was anything I could have said or done.

I’d say it was mildly rude.

Not if it only happened a few times, but because it was a regular thing it feels a bit cliquey — it sends the signal (presumably inadvertently) “we’re our own closer group of three that the rest of you aren’t in.” Of course, it’s absolutely fine for people to have closer relationships with some coworkers than with others; that’s natural and there’s nothing wrong with it. But when you have a recurring meeting of only six people and three of them are constantly bringing coffee for each other, there’s a point where politeness requires asking if the others would like to be included.

Ideally it’s something that you would shrug off — some people are closer with others at work, and the coffee thing is more thoughtless than anything else. But in theory you also could have said, “Hey, can I get in on this coffee rotation?” (And ideally they would have asked.)

4. Putting projects that went badly on your resume

I am applying for jobs at the moment. One thing a lot of roles I am interested in ask for is experience planning projects. While I was part of a team that created and implemented projects in my most recent job, there is one project I took charge of. However, this project went very poorly. It was intended to get feedback from our user base about how we could support them during the early stages of the Covid-19 pandemic and not one person responded. My job at the time was intended for young people just out of college and I can very clearly see now why it went so badly. However, I estimated staff time needed, I figured out how to get the technical side working, and I gave the awkward presentation where I talked about a dozen things we should have done differently.

Does this experience need to stay relegated only to answering “tell me about a time you failed” or can I mention it as an example of leading a project? Is it okay to talk about some of these things in a cover letter and gloss over the outcome?

Unfortunately you shouldn’t use it as an example of leading a project — it’s very likely that interviewers will want to delve into the details, and “the one project I led failed badly” won’t make you a strong candidate for an employer who’s looking for someone with a track record of leading projects successfully. That doesn’t mean the experience is useless — it sounds like you learned a lot and, as you said, it’ll be a good answer if you’re asked to talk about a time you didn’t succeed. (It also sounds like your employer didn’t set you up to succeed, and that’s not on you.)

5. Can my employer make me use PTO if I’d rather take the time unpaid?

I took time off for my wedding this year before I had accrued any PTO. I told my employer I would be more than happy to take it unpaid, but they said that it’s not allowed as “the expectation is that I am here 40 hours a week.” As such, I know have a negative PTO balance that I would have to pay back if I left, which I am trying to do. However, when we close unexpectedly early, we are not expected to us PTO on those days so I’m confused what “expected to be there 40 hours” means. I guess I’m wondering: (1) can employers force you to use PTO you don’t have? and (2) is it legal to make you pay back a negative balance even though you didn’t want to use that time in the first place?

They didn’t word it well, but I think what they meant by “we expect you be here 40 hours a week” is: “We’ve planned our staffing with the assumption that you’ll be here every day minus your annual allotment of PTO — so we don’t want you to take additional time off unpaid, because then you’ll be working (for example) only 45 weeks a year rather than the 47 we were counting on. Therefore, we’re going to deduct this time from your annual PTO allotment rather than add to it with unpaid time off.”

To answer your questions: They can indeed require that your time off come out of your annual allotment for the year, even if that gives you a negative PTO balance. In most states, you can be required to pay that back when you leave (although check to see if your state is an exception to this).