Ask a Manager

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Employer wants to record my interview

I applied for a stretch job with a nonprofit organization I admire. I was invited for a phone interview with what appears to be an external recruiter the company hired. When I booked an interview slot, the confirmation email contained the following language:

“Request for Permission to Record Interview Session: Would you be comfortable with us recording this interview? The recordings will remain confidential and will only be used by the interviewing team for internal decision-making purposes and to share with folks who cannot attend the interview(s) from our end upon request. Please reply to this email to respond to this inquiry.”

The idea of being recorded makes me nervous. The position is more of a leadership role, but it is not at the director level and being recorded does not appear to be a routine aspect of the job. Should I suck it up and agree to the recording even though it makes me uncomfortable?

If you want the job, probably. This has becoming increasingly common as virtual interviews have become more common; it’s a way to let other people have input into the hiring decision even if they’re not able to attend the interview. You typically you see it more with video interviews, though; it’s less common to see it with phone interviews, so that detail is interesting.

I know being recorded can make you feel more self-conscious when you’re interviewing, but ideally you’d just tune it out and pretend it’s not happening (and maybe it’ll help to know that sometimes no one even bothers watching those recordings; they think they’ll use them but then don’t).

You can certainly ask for more info if you’d like, like how the recording will be stored and disposed of, but it’s becoming a pretty common practice.

2. Boss referred to my miscarriage as me not doing my job

I had a partial molar pregnancy (essentially a dangerous type of miscarriage) of a wanted pregnancy several months ago. I had to have emergency surgery due to skyrocketing blood pressure, which occurred on a day I was supposed to drive seven hours to meet a potential partner. My boss knew about the miscarriage and went to the meeting for me (she lives an hour away from the meeting spot). She now has a good relationship with the partner.

I recently collaborated with the partner and I commented about how much I like them to my boss. My boss responded, “They were supposed to be your partner but you didn’t want to drive that far to meet them.” I can’t get that out of my head. (1) That was the most traumatic event I have ever had to go through. I almost died and lost my only pregnancy. (2) I never say no at work. I always go above and beyond. I would never refuse to meet a partner due to travel.

I don’t expect her to keep a calendar of my traumatic live events but why has she remembered the situation like I was not doing my job? What should I do? Go to HR or therapy?

Talk to your boss! Unless she is a terrible person who would dismiss a deeply upsetting and dangerous medical event as “didn’t want to take a long drive,” it’s highly likely she has just messed this up in her memory — like she remembers you couldn’t attend that meeting, but has forgotten that it was connected to the miscarriage in any way. Your boss doesn’t have the same emotional resonance with those events that you of course do, and could have simply forgotten the sequence of events.

You could say, “I was really taken aback when you said I didn’t meet Jane Smith just because I didn’t want to make the drive. I want to make sure you remember that the reason I didn’t attend that meeting because I was having a miscarriage that day and needed emergency surgery. It was a horrible time. I hope you know I wouldn’t refuse to meet a partner just due to travel.”

3. Working with my sister … and sharing a hotel room?

My older sister and I work at the same company in the same department, although on separate teams working on different products so there are no overlaps in our reporting structure and no competition (thankfully).

We were both given the opportunity to attend a conference in a few weeks and our company is sending a large group of people. When casually talking to the events manager who was handling hotel and flight bookings, I jokingly said, “Oh, [my sister] and I wouldn’t mind a slumber party!”

Apparently this was taken seriously and my sister and I are now sharing a hotel room at this conference when no other attendees have to share. We are also now being put in a position where we have to share a pass for the conference (which is against conference policy, mind you) meaning that there will be two of us with my name wandering around the exhibition hall and in sessions.

Is it unreasonable to call this out to the company to get in front of it in the future? It really isn’t a huge burden to share a room, but I don’t want to end up in a position where leaders view us as interchangeable (again, different teams and products). As much as I love my sister, it would also be nice to have my own space and time at the conference like everyone else.

I worry that this sets a precedent for any travel moving forward, including a company retreat that we have coming up in a few months. Any thoughts on how to phrase this without sounding like I’m back in my childhood home complaining about sharing toys?

I’m not surprised they took you seriously about the hotel room (it sounds like you offered and they didn’t realize you were joking, although ideally they would have confirmed it with you before making reservations) but the shared conference pass is really weird!

I would let the shared room go for now (since you did offer it) but raise it the next time travel plans are being made for something you both are going to: “Jane and I ended up in a shared room last time; we’d prefer our own rooms like everyone else.”

But it’s reasonable to raise the shared pass now: “Somehow Jane and I ended up with one shared pass between the two of us, which was really inconvenient. Do you know why that happened and how we can make sure it doesn’t happen in the future?”

Updated to add: I wrote this thinking the conference had already happened, but now see that it hasn’t. You can ask for both things to be corrected before you go.

Read an update to this letter. 

4. Can I delete all my unread LinkedIn messages?

I want to go back and update my LinkedIn profile after neglecting it for around five years, but I know that I have quite a few messages that have piled up. The amount of contacts I have been neglecting has been causing me anxiety. Can I just delete them all? Is there a way to somehow communicate that I wasn’t active for years on LinkedIn (I’m worried that maybe I’ll miss something important?)

You can delete all the backlogged messages (or just leave them there, so that if you ever want to look at the history with a particular person, it’s there for you to check, but without feeling any obligation to look through all the messages from everyone). Loads of people ignore their LinkedIn messages or only glance at them once a year or so. Most people get a ton of messages from strangers on LinkedIn, and it’s common not to engage with them all. You don’t need to do any kind of “I’ve been inactive but now I’m back” announcement.

That said, you might take a quick glance through the senders to see if any names jump out as connections you especially want to preserve (like former managers who might be references, old coworkers you really liked, etc.) — but I’d bet you’ll find you don’t even recognize a lot of the names.

5. I don’t want any more hours!

About a year ago I made the leap to transition my side-gig into a fully fledged business. It’s going great! As I scaled up, hunting for new clients, I ended up taking on a part-time project manager role for a charitable project that I’m really proud of. While this role pays less than my usual rate, I figured it’s a steady source of income for a fixed term and it’s something I feel passionately about.

Well, as you might expect with a nonprofit, there is a crazy amount of work that needs to be done and just not enough hours to do it all (I’m on a very strict weekly limit). However, whenever I mention I’m close to hitting my threshold, my (great!) supervisor says she’ll argue for more hours for the role. The problem is, I don’t want more hours!

One of the reasons the job appealed was the limited hours, which could be slotted in around my main business. In the past, when I’ve responded to say “I don’t want more hours,” she has waved it off as modesty — and I’m getting great feedback constantly, along with recognition from everyone that they haven’t really allowed for enough hours. The tricky part is that there will come a time closer to a major event when I will need to get more hours — but right now I’d be more interested in ways to streamline things/reprioritize or redistribute. Can you advise how I can phrase this?

Rather than saying you don’t want more hours, tell her you cannot work more hours — it’s a small change, but it’s clearer. For example: “I think I haven’t been clear enough — right now, I can’t do more than X hours a week. Around the gala in July, I’d be able to work up to Y hours a week if you’d like me to, but the rest of the time I can’t work more than X. Given that, could we talk about how to prioritize everything on my plate?”

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. I turned down another job because my company promised me a raise … and now they’re not giving it to me

I have been with the same company for five years. I have steadily worked my way up and been given more and more responsibility. However, due Covid and the “Great Resignation,” my company experienced significant staffing changes. I have always been fairly flexible and tried to adapt to any changes that came my way.

Due to staffing issues and various clients coming and going, my workload has fluctuated much more than anyone else’s on the team. Not only am I the least experienced, I am now being asked to clean up other files that were not in the best shape. As a result, I feel like I haven’t been able to get the training or experience I need to keep up with some of the other coworkers who have much more experience. In spite of this, I meet my goals and have had very good performance reviews.

Due to burnout and exhaustion from not having a solid caseload and always having to be the “clean up person,” I found and accepted another job. As soon as my employer found out, they offered me a significant pay raise which exceeded the already very generous offer from the new company. They promised to make some changes and adjust my caseload to make things more manageable. I happily agreed to this and told the new company that I was thankful for their offer but I would be staying where I am.

Barely a week later, my current supervisor advised that I am no longer getting the raise due to a company-wide hiring freeze.

I didn’t feel like it would have been professional to turn right around to the new company and ask for the job I had just turned down. So I am now out the raise from the current company, but I am also unable to accept the new job.

I understand that business is business and I hold no ill will towards my supervisor as I know she was just the messenger (she did her best and I appreciate her trying). However, what little motivation I did have is gone. Any advice would be appreciated! I don’t like not giving my best effort, but it’s also difficult not to feel resentful for the opportunities I’ve now lost out on.

This isn’t “business is business” — your company significantly screwed you over. They made a promise that you acted on to your detriment — and they knew that. This wasn’t a raise they offered out of the blue and then had to backtrack on; they offered you a raise specifically to prevent you from leaving when you’d announced you had taken another job, and they know that you were relying on their word when you turned down the other offer, and that you’re now left without the raise or the other job. They acted in bad faith; it’s a serious breach of trust.

You don’t have much to lose by going back to the other company now and seeing if the offer is still open — it might not be, but you might as well try. If it’s not, you should be actively job-searching, because your company has treated you incredibly poorly.

Related:
my company made a counter-offer to keep me — and now is attaching strings to it

2. My assigned mentor is younger and less experienced in our field

A few months ago, my company shifted me to a newly formed team. The transition has been difficult for many reasons, most important probably being that I don’t feel qualified/well suited for the position.

To aid with this, my new manager has proposed finding me a mentor, to help me navigate challenges (more on the approach/mentality side than strictly task-related). I was initially very excited by the prospect of having someone in the know to seek guidance from, and was mentally compiling a list of questions to start off with. However, I recently found out that the person they found is a few years younger than me and has less work experience than me in our field (but a higher position) and all my enthusiasm deflated.

This has me stumped. Is it wrong of me to see it as a faux pas to give someone a younger mentor? Especially since some of the issues we want to work on are my impostor syndrome and lack of faith in my own abilities. Frankly, I can hardly imagine a less suitable scenario for me to be able to do that.

I know I should try to keep an open mind and at least give it a try (which is what my manager suggested when I communicated my apprehension), but in my head, the dynamic has completely shifted, from aspirational to self flagellating. I can only picture myself with defenses fully up, instead of being able to be open and vulnerable.

Did your manager explain why they thought this particular person would be a good mentor? That’s what I’d want to know. But assuming they’re not right out of school, a few years younger is such a minor age difference that it’s basically non-existent. And they’re in a higher level position so it’s very possible they have useful skills or insights to impart.

So why not go into it with a spirit of inquiry? Your boss thinks this person has something to offer, so you might as well get curious about what that thing is and try to figure it out. If you meet with them a couple of times and don’t find it useful, you can go back to your boss at that point, but you’ll be better positioned to do that if you’ve given it a good-faith effort first.

3. I don’t want to do a department overnight

I work for a university auxiliary (think Housing, Dining, Recreation etc.). Our director, my immediate boss, has been here for two years. He’s … not excellent. There’s a lot of talk about transparency and respect and actions that don’t reflect those values.

He is big into assigning leadership books and management jargon and the like. He’s also instituted retreats, which we haven’t had before. At a meeting planning the retreat for employees at my level, we were discussing activities and he asked the group if anybody didn’t want to do an overnight portion. Silence.

I very much don’t want to have an overnight retreat. I like most of my coworkers and am warm and professional but am definitely an introvert. A day thing of bonding and activities would be okay. I know once a year won’t kill me, but I deeply don’t want to have a sleepover with these folks. It occurs during my busiest time of year, I have two small children, and frankly I just don’t wanna.

This will come up next year and I wonder if I should speak up if asked and be honest. I’m worried it will go poorly for me because this is very much my boss’s thing and he’s not great about pushback. But I can’t possibly be the only person who doesn’t want an overnight and maybe it would encourage other folks to speak up and we can get out of it. I raised the issue of my workload at the time and that was dismissed because most other folks aren’t busy then.

Yeah, you’re going to need to be more direct than citing your workload, because workload is a problem your boss will think he can solve for you. But it’s totally reasonable to say, “It’s not possible for me because of childcare responsibilities.” If you didn’t have that excuse, you could be vaguer: “It’s not possible for me because of commitments I have at home in the evenings” or “It would be very difficult, if not impossible, for me to do an overnight because of some family obligations I have right now” or so forth.

And getting coworkers to push back should help as well. It’s highly likely that you’re not the only one who’s unenthused about the idea.

(To be clear, there are jobs where occasional overnight travel is part of the job. But this sounds like unnecessary fluff and he’s directly asking if anyone dislikes the overnight portion — so you might as well speak up and say you do.)

Read an update to this letter. 

4. Using the word “cool” in a cover letter

Does using the word “cool” in a cover letter make me sound 12? I’ve attached my cover letter for a job I’m really, really hoping to get, and one line references doing work “telling people about cool things.” My thinking was that if the rest of the letter is very professional, that one word would convey enthusiasm, rather than immaturity. But the person I was talking to (giving a seminar on all parts of applying to jobs) suggested wording that sounded very formal and polysyllabic for that sentence, and said to not use “cool” because “you’re not 12.”

Don’t take any advice from that person. Using “cool” the way you’ve used it in your letter is fine. People use the word in offices every day, and they are in fact adults. “Cool” is a pretty unremarkable part of the language at this point. You shouldn’t write, like, “fucking badass,” but  “cool” in this context is completely fine.

5. Can I ask if a job is still open before I apply?

I am currently employed, but I’ve been doing some on and off job hunting over the past year. I’d probably say out of all the applications I have submitted, at least 25% of the job postings are removed within a day or two after submitting. While I understand this could mean many things, at the end of the day it is frustrating to invest time into a cover letter and resume for what is essentially a false lead. All of my resumes are tailored to be specific to the posting and I have a range of experience, so applications may be for different industries where some of my previous roles are not necessarily relevant. A templated resume is a good start, but it will always require at least some time investment to get it to final submission status. Lately it seems like when I’m in application mode, I typically work on 2-3 cover letters/resumes a week in between a full-time job and general life stuff.

Would it look out of touch for me to contact the company to ask if they are still looking to fill the position before I spend time working on a resume? Especially for jobs that have been posted for a while (and don’t have a closing date listed)? I get that it may just be timing as to when it was posted and they found a hire, but with multiple instances of almost immediate removal after I send in my application, it’s hard not to think that some of the websites just aren’t being updated in a timely manner.

It won’t look out of touch, but it also might not get you answers. A lot of employers just don’t respond to that kind of inquiry, or don’t respond until after the point when the answer would be useful to you. (And if jobs are closing quickly, there’s a good chance of them closing while you’re waiting to hear an answer back, thus making you miss the window when you could have applied.)

I think you’re worried that by the time you see the job, it’s already closed and when you submit an application, that’s what triggers them to remember they need to remove the post … but I’m skeptical about that accounting for most of it. It’s more likely that you’re seeing jobs that are only open for fairly short windows — not that your application is the thing that spurs them to take down the post.

I’d also look at how much tailoring you’re doing for each resume you submit. It sounds like you have a master resume that you delete things from that won’t be relevant — which is good — but that should be a fairly short project for each job. If you’re investing a lot of time in that for each application, you’re forgoing a lot of the benefits of keeping that kind of master resume, and that’s where I’d look for efficiencies.

It’s four answers to four questions. Here we go…

1. My coworker is angry that I don’t want her grandson’s old baby things

I work at a company of around 80 people. I’m expecting my first baby in a few months and my coworkers have all been very enthusiastic and excited for me.

A few weeks ago, “Prudence,” who works in another department asked me if I’d like any secondhand baby things. Her daughter and grandson live with her and she said she had lots of clothes that her grandson had outgrown. We’ve already been inundated with more clothes and toys than we could ever use so I tried to explain that I appreciated her offer and could use a few things, but we were largely set.

The next day she showed up with a bag of baby clothes and I thanked her. She asked if she could bring me more the following day. I said I appreciated her generosity but we really didn’t need any more. When I arrived the following morning, I found a bag of baby clothes in my office. Unlike the previous bag’s contents, which were in good condition, most of these were stained and threadbare. Prudence is a smoker and all the items reeked of cigarettes. When Prudence came by to make sure I’d gotten them, I thanked her again but told her more firmly that I didn’t need more baby items.

The following day she showed up with multiple sets of bedding. I had already purchased bedding and have the baby’s room decorated. When she tried to hand them to me, I told her thank you, but I didn’t need them. At that Prudence got angry and snapped, “Well, what am I supposed to do with these? Am I just supposed to haul them around all day?” She then dropped them on my office floor and stormed off. Not knowing what to do with them, I wound up just tossing them in the office dumpster (Prudence did not see me do that and to my knowledge is unaware). Now she’s barely speaking to me and shooting me angry looks whenever we encounter each other.

I don’t want to seem ungrateful, but I have no need for these items and I feel like she’s just using me as a convenient way to dump things she no longer wants. Am I in the wrong to turn down the items? If not, how do I make these unwanted “gifts” and her angry attitude stop?

No, you’re not in the wrong, and you don’t need to seem grateful for items you didn’t ask for and in fact told her you didn’t want. If we had a time machine, I’d suggest you not thank her for or accept that second bag (the one you ended up tossing) but rather hand it back to her with a firm, “I can’t accept this” (and if she refused to take it back, put it in her office later) … but it’s certainly not your fault for not knowing that you were opening up the Gates Of Never-Ending Baby Clothes.

It’s not really on you to fix this — you aren’t the rude one — but if it feels like you’d benefit professionally from at least trying to smooth it over, you could say, “Hey, you seemed upset that I couldn’t take the bedding the other day. We’re overwhelmed with stuff for the baby and don’t have room for more. I hope you find a good home for anything you’re still looking to give away!” … and see if it smooths her feathers a little; it may or may not. Alternately, you could ignore the situation entirely and just try to interact with her normally about something work-related; sometimes making a point of doing that that can reset things a bit (and other times, not — it depends on how weird Prudence is determined to be). If that doesn’t work … it’s in her court and should just continue being polite (and enjoying your freedom from unwanted bags of baby things).

2. No one will buy my networking t-shirts

Several years ago I was frustrated with the way people went about looking for jobs. I’m a small business owner and even before running my own company, I always networked. Through networking I’ve managed to do so much. Today I run six networking groups.
Again, several years ago I created a t-shirt designed to network for you. It lists various fields, each with a checkbox by it, and comes with a small sharpie so you can check off the type of job or career you desire. By wearing the t-shirt everywhere you go, it starts the job seeking conversation.

I marketed them inexpensively to college grads. I went to colleges, job fairs, and even graduations. Not one t-shirt sold. I was so angry. I was on popular talk shows and in the paper and still nothing. Today I sit with every size t-shirt in my garage. Many ask why I don’t still pursue this idea. They are the ones who got the idea and believe in it.

Perhaps I was ahead of my time. I marketed towards college grads who texted as a main form of communication. However, today communication is even worse. Young adults can barely look someone in the eye.

Please tell me what your opinion is of my t-shirts. I hoped people would wear them daily and maybe while filling their gas tank this would start a conversation that would change their lives forever. Networking will always be the way to get what you need. Referrals, physicians, mechanics, plumbers, electricians, landscapers, housekeepers, financial advisors, accountants, babysitters, trainers, real estate agents, tutors, and whatever I have missed. Am I wrong? Would my product help those unable to network?

I don’t think most people want to wear what’s essentially a walking billboard proclaiming that they’re seeking work in X field — which I think is what the lack of sales is telling you. And if someone does want to wear a shirt advertising their job search, they probably don’t want one that lists a few dozen fields with checkboxes; they’d want just their own field. (But I’m not suggesting you create one that does that instead! Most people don’t want to wear this on a shirt, period.)

From the sounds of it, all those people who pushed the idea and are asking why you’re not still pursuing it haven’t bought shirts themselves, which is telling.

I’d say listen to the what your market data is telling you.

(Also, it’s not at all my experience with young adults that they can barely look people in the eye!)

3. I can hear my coworker listening to TV shows through our office wall

I have a new coworker, John, who is just out of school and seems nice, but is a bit aloof so we haven’t spoken much. His office is right next to mine and our walls are really thin. John listens to CNN talk shows and other television shows for hours without headphones. I can hear everything and find it very distracting. I usually wear my personal AirPods with the noise cancellation setting on. However, when I need to take a zoom meeting, I have to switch headphones because I don’t like to connect my AirPods to my work computer. When I do this I can hear all of John’s shows through my headphones. I’m the only one who can hear his shows because of the way the offices are set up so this only impacts me in the office.

I haven’t talked to him about this yet because I don’t want to seem rude, as I really don’t know him well. I’m also hesitant to bring it up to my supervisor, as I don’t know if he’s watching the shows instead of working or is working with them on for background noise, and I don’t want to get him in trouble. Is there a good way to address this without being rude or can I ask my work to pay for (expensive) noise cancelling headphones that I can use with my computer?

You are making this into a much bigger deal than it should be! It’s not rude to politely ask someone to keep noise down in their office — and it’s definitely not rude when the thing causing noise is TV shows that they’re not even bothering to use headphones for. John probably doesn’t realize that you can hear him, and you just need to let him know it’s bothering you. (Definitely don’t consider going to your boss about it before you’ve tried talking to John directly!) In fact, think of it as a courtesy to him — he’s new in your office and right out of school and probably doesn’t want to be inadvertently annoying people or coming across like he doesn’t care about basic professional norms.

Pop your head in there and say, “Could you use headphones when you’re listening to shows? I can hear it through the walls, even with my headphones on, and it’s distracting.” Say it cheerfully, and in a tone of “obviously you don’t realize this and will happily fix it once you do” (as opposed to a tone that says “this is very fraught and I am afraid to ask it”).

4. Can I use an engagement photo as a professional headshot?

I could use some guidance on professional headshots. I’m relatively new to the workforce, having just graduated with my masters and getting a full-time professional position in my field. My institution doesn’t require headshots but it is very normal to have them on our website, email profiles, and presentations. I’ve never had any professional photos taken that turned out well. (My institution offers free headshots every few months but they somehow always make me look like an egg. I digress.)

However, I do have a photo from my recent engagement shoot that I want to use instead. My hair is simple and my makeup is typical for my daily workwear. The only thing that gives it away is that the black dress I’m wearing has some sparkly/celestial details (fairly normal for my closet, though) and the background is dark blurry trees. I used the same photo for my master’s program defense and people loved it.

Am I overthinking this? In my mind it seems far better than a selfie but I have no clue what the norms are around headshots. I work in academic libraries, so we sort of straddle the line between “creative community hub” and “traditional academia” culture.

The best way to figure it out is to look at the photos other people are using. If everyone else is in business suits or against a generic corporate blue background, you’d want to match that vibe in formality and not be the one person whose photo doesn’t match. But otherwise, I think you’re fine — you sent me the photo and nothing about it screams “bridal.” (And it’s a great photo!)