employer wants to record my interview, can I delete all my unread LinkedIn messages, and more

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Employer wants to record my interview

I applied for a stretch job with a nonprofit organization I admire. I was invited for a phone interview with what appears to be an external recruiter the company hired. When I booked an interview slot, the confirmation email contained the following language:

“Request for Permission to Record Interview Session: Would you be comfortable with us recording this interview? The recordings will remain confidential and will only be used by the interviewing team for internal decision-making purposes and to share with folks who cannot attend the interview(s) from our end upon request. Please reply to this email to respond to this inquiry.”

The idea of being recorded makes me nervous. The position is more of a leadership role, but it is not at the director level and being recorded does not appear to be a routine aspect of the job. Should I suck it up and agree to the recording even though it makes me uncomfortable?

If you want the job, probably. This has becoming increasingly common as virtual interviews have become more common; it’s a way to let other people have input into the hiring decision even if they’re not able to attend the interview. You typically you see it more with video interviews, though; it’s less common to see it with phone interviews, so that detail is interesting.

I know being recorded can make you feel more self-conscious when you’re interviewing, but ideally you’d just tune it out and pretend it’s not happening (and maybe it’ll help to know that sometimes no one even bothers watching those recordings; they think they’ll use them but then don’t).

You can certainly ask for more info if you’d like, like how the recording will be stored and disposed of, but it’s becoming a pretty common practice.

2. Boss referred to my miscarriage as me not doing my job

I had a partial molar pregnancy (essentially a dangerous type of miscarriage) of a wanted pregnancy several months ago. I had to have emergency surgery due to skyrocketing blood pressure, which occurred on a day I was supposed to drive seven hours to meet a potential partner. My boss knew about the miscarriage and went to the meeting for me (she lives an hour away from the meeting spot). She now has a good relationship with the partner.

I recently collaborated with the partner and I commented about how much I like them to my boss. My boss responded, “They were supposed to be your partner but you didn’t want to drive that far to meet them.” I can’t get that out of my head. (1) That was the most traumatic event I have ever had to go through. I almost died and lost my only pregnancy. (2) I never say no at work. I always go above and beyond. I would never refuse to meet a partner due to travel.

I don’t expect her to keep a calendar of my traumatic live events but why has she remembered the situation like I was not doing my job? What should I do? Go to HR or therapy?

Talk to your boss! Unless she is a terrible person who would dismiss a deeply upsetting and dangerous medical event as “didn’t want to take a long drive,” it’s highly likely she has just messed this up in her memory — like she remembers you couldn’t attend that meeting, but has forgotten that it was connected to the miscarriage in any way. Your boss doesn’t have the same emotional resonance with those events that you of course do, and could have simply forgotten the sequence of events.

You could say, “I was really taken aback when you said I didn’t meet Jane Smith just because I didn’t want to make the drive. I want to make sure you remember that the reason I didn’t attend that meeting because I was having a miscarriage that day and needed emergency surgery. It was a horrible time. I hope you know I wouldn’t refuse to meet a partner just due to travel.”

3. Working with my sister … and sharing a hotel room?

My older sister and I work at the same company in the same department, although on separate teams working on different products so there are no overlaps in our reporting structure and no competition (thankfully).

We were both given the opportunity to attend a conference in a few weeks and our company is sending a large group of people. When casually talking to the events manager who was handling hotel and flight bookings, I jokingly said, “Oh, [my sister] and I wouldn’t mind a slumber party!”

Apparently this was taken seriously and my sister and I are now sharing a hotel room at this conference when no other attendees have to share. We are also now being put in a position where we have to share a pass for the conference (which is against conference policy, mind you) meaning that there will be two of us with my name wandering around the exhibition hall and in sessions.

Is it unreasonable to call this out to the company to get in front of it in the future? It really isn’t a huge burden to share a room, but I don’t want to end up in a position where leaders view us as interchangeable (again, different teams and products). As much as I love my sister, it would also be nice to have my own space and time at the conference like everyone else.

I worry that this sets a precedent for any travel moving forward, including a company retreat that we have coming up in a few months. Any thoughts on how to phrase this without sounding like I’m back in my childhood home complaining about sharing toys?

I’m not surprised they took you seriously about the hotel room (it sounds like you offered and they didn’t realize you were joking, although ideally they would have confirmed it with you before making reservations) but the shared conference pass is really weird!

I would let the shared room go for now (since you did offer it) but raise it the next time travel plans are being made for something you both are going to: “Jane and I ended up in a shared room last time; we’d prefer our own rooms like everyone else.”

But it’s reasonable to raise the shared pass now: “Somehow Jane and I ended up with one shared pass between the two of us, which was really inconvenient. Do you know why that happened and how we can make sure it doesn’t happen in the future?”

Updated to add: I wrote this thinking the conference had already happened, but now see that it hasn’t. You can ask for both things to be corrected before you go.

Read an update to this letter

4. Can I delete all my unread LinkedIn messages?

I want to go back and update my LinkedIn profile after neglecting it for around five years, but I know that I have quite a few messages that have piled up. The amount of contacts I have been neglecting has been causing me anxiety. Can I just delete them all? Is there a way to somehow communicate that I wasn’t active for years on LinkedIn (I’m worried that maybe I’ll miss something important?)

You can delete all the backlogged messages (or just leave them there, so that if you ever want to look at the history with a particular person, it’s there for you to check, but without feeling any obligation to look through all the messages from everyone). Loads of people ignore their LinkedIn messages or only glance at them once a year or so. Most people get a ton of messages from strangers on LinkedIn, and it’s common not to engage with them all. You don’t need to do any kind of “I’ve been inactive but now I’m back” announcement.

That said, you might take a quick glance through the senders to see if any names jump out as connections you especially want to preserve (like former managers who might be references, old coworkers you really liked, etc.) — but I’d bet you’ll find you don’t even recognize a lot of the names.

5. I don’t want any more hours!

About a year ago I made the leap to transition my side-gig into a fully fledged business. It’s going great! As I scaled up, hunting for new clients, I ended up taking on a part-time project manager role for a charitable project that I’m really proud of. While this role pays less than my usual rate, I figured it’s a steady source of income for a fixed term and it’s something I feel passionately about.

Well, as you might expect with a nonprofit, there is a crazy amount of work that needs to be done and just not enough hours to do it all (I’m on a very strict weekly limit). However, whenever I mention I’m close to hitting my threshold, my (great!) supervisor says she’ll argue for more hours for the role. The problem is, I don’t want more hours!

One of the reasons the job appealed was the limited hours, which could be slotted in around my main business. In the past, when I’ve responded to say “I don’t want more hours,” she has waved it off as modesty — and I’m getting great feedback constantly, along with recognition from everyone that they haven’t really allowed for enough hours. The tricky part is that there will come a time closer to a major event when I will need to get more hours — but right now I’d be more interested in ways to streamline things/reprioritize or redistribute. Can you advise how I can phrase this?

Rather than saying you don’t want more hours, tell her you cannot work more hours — it’s a small change, but it’s clearer. For example: “I think I haven’t been clear enough — right now, I can’t do more than X hours a week. Around the gala in July, I’d be able to work up to Y hours a week if you’d like me to, but the rest of the time I can’t work more than X. Given that, could we talk about how to prioritize everything on my plate?”

I resuscitated a coworker, and people won’t stop talking about it

A reader writes:

Six months ago, my coworker Jane collapsed at her desk. She was unresponsive and had no pulse. I started performing CPR while a colleague called 911. Someone else brought the office defibrillator, and I used it to revive Jane. By the time the EMTs got there, Jane’s heart was beating and she was breathing again. She was in the hospital for a few days.

The experience was very emotional for me. There’s a huge difference between taking CPR classes and performing it in an emergency situation. It being a Friday, I took the rest of the day off.

When I returned Monday, my coworkers applauded when I entered the office. I’m uncomfortable being the center of attention so I kept my head down and stuck to business as usual, and eventually they took my cue and things went back to normal.

Jane and her husband sent me a gift basket at work. A *huge* gift basket. Embarrassingly big, with a handwritten thank-you card signed by her whole family. Coworkers saw it and started remarking on the episode again. I smiled and nodded but didn’t engage further. It felt weird, but they were entitled to their feelings.

Jane called to thank me. I asked how she was feeling and said I was glad she made it, that she was strong. She put her husband on the phone, and he thanked me. Then both her kids. I almost expected to hear from her dog, too.

When Jane returned to work, she brought me another gift. Now she seems to think we have a special bond and we’re supposed to be best friends. She jokes to colleagues that since I saved her life, she’s indebted to me forever!” Ha. I’m embarrassed when she calls attention to it. New hires hear about it and want to know the whole story. It’s been six months and people are still talking about it.

The kicker? I can’t stand Jane. I’ve never liked her. I’m happy I was able to help her through her medical crisis, and if it happened again, I wouldn’t hesitate to do the same thing. But Jane has always driven me up the wall with attention-seeking and over-chumminess, and now it’s So. Much. Worse.

Do you have any suggestions for what to say?

I think the first part of the response was unavoidable — if you save someone’s life with CPR, they’re going to be really grateful! And I’m not surprised your office applauded you because you did do something heroic in a really dire situation.

But it’s been six months, and it’s understandable that the “special bond” stuff is grating, especially since it’s coming from someone you can’t really stand. You’re entitled to want to save lives without having to perform an emotional bond with that person forever afterwards. (To be clear, Jane might feel an ongoing bond with you forever, and that’s okay! But you also need to be able to work in peace without being called upon to receive her gratitude over and over.)

Since Jane feels indebted to you, I wonder if you can enlist her in “helping” you with this. For example, could you say to her, “Just between you and me, I hate being the center of attention and I feel really awkward when people keep bringing it up. It would be such a favor to me if would you downplay it at work so it doesn’t keep getting discussed.” If she seems resistant to that, you could add, “Truly, if you do feel indebted at all, the kindest thing you could do is to help me tamp the attention down without making a big deal of it.”

That might tap into Jane’s desire to repay you and by framing it as needing her help, you might also tap into her desire to feel that bond.

That said, it sounds like what’s bugging you about Jane’s response is really just more of the same thing that’s always bugged you about Jane — she’s overly chummy, and this experience gave her a new pin to hang some of that on. So some of this is probably just the price of working with Jane. But I bet framing it as enlisting her help has a decent chance of cutting back on the worst of it.

Read an update to this letter

my team won’t accept any replacement for an employee who died

A reader asks:

A year ago, one of our employees, Jane, was killed by a drunk driver. Jane worked here for almost a decade and was well-liked. We have an EAP and offered paid therapy services to anyone who needs it as well as fully paid bereavement and time off to attend the trial, no questions asked.

A month after Jane’s death, her replacement started. However, three months after starting the job, she suddenly quit without notice. We offered to the runner-up from our search, but he quit after four months. We hired another person, who lasted three months and just quit last week.

HR told me the last hire said in her exit interview that she was leaving because she couldn’t handle working with Jane’s old coworkers and manager. She said she resumed job searching almost as soon as she started here because of how bad it was. She had tried to address it with the manager but nothing changed. Apparently the first two replacements for Jane’s job also both said they couldn’t handle it and the manager had done nothing.

They all reported being constantly compared to Jane, accused of hostility or coldness for arranging the desk differently than Jane had it, and having things like “if Jane were here…” or “some of us still care about Jane” said aloud to them. We’ve been told the manager participated and accused them of being awful for “disrespecting” Jane when they brought their concerns forward. One was asked how she could sleep at night after taking Jane’s job.

I work in a different building and had no idea any of this was happening (I also don’t know why HR didn’t act on these complaints until now). I had thought the first two replacements left because they couldn’t handle the pressure.

I understand Jane’s death is upsetting and difficult for her coworkers, but what they are doing cannot continue. We can’t keep hiring people every few months. I know I need to talk to the coworkers and manager about their behavior but given the emotion behind this I don’t even know where to start. I am way out of my depth with this.

I answer this question over at Inc. today, where I’m revisiting letters that have been buried in the archives here from years ago (and sometimes updating/expanding my answers to them). You can read it here.

should I cut my new business partner loose?

A reader writes:

I (F40s) recently added a business partner, Ivy (F30s), to my consulting business (I remain majority owner). I’m in a niche technical field and I was recently offered a role researching aspects of my field with an academic institution. The post is overseas up to 70% of my time, but private consulting work isn’t a conflict of interest. I invited a partner on board to share the load and keep the business going. Ivy’s background is general studies for the field, but she seemed eager to learn.

It’s not going great. She’s passive and acts like an employee, and not a great one, either. I’m not sure she understood the expectations for a full partner. Examples:

1. Ivy needs to learn specialized software but didn’t schedule training with me or seek training elsewhere (much of it free, online). She can’t run any data analysis. This primarily what we do. She knew this coming in.

2) I handed off readings on the field. She hasn’t read any of it. This means that she can’t interpret data analyses, either.

3) I’m still project managing everything. Work comes in but she does nothing with client materials unless I direct her to it very specifically.

4) She does not make contact until late in the day (think, after lunch) in her time zone. She’s not responding to client emails in a timely manner and I have to handle them as best I can. Clients are noticing. Not in a good way.

5) I’ve had her edit reports to give her billable hours. She’s overbilling those hours, by at least double the standard.

Now, she’s now dropped the ball on two projects in a row. I’ve had to spend entire weekends managing reporting and task delegation because Ivy just … disappeared. After the first project went sideways, I calmly pointed out the problems and asked her for solutions. I also hired someone part time to cover gaps in technical work, though she seems to resent this despite having taken no initiative on training.

When the second project came in, I sent exactly what she requested for assistance. She still did not hand off deliverables to the client on time, pretended in an email conversation that she sent them despite not having done so, then tried to blame our part timer (who tackled everything they were supposed to handle) when I called it out. That raised a major red flag to me.

I sent Ivy a kind email outlining my concerns and asking again for solutions. I also sent a training package I wrote for the software and assembled some additional time management tools for her. She responded only to say she did the training. She didn’t respond when I asked her how it went and she’s gone radio silent. Her behavior is consistent with shame-spiral, and while I hate it for her, I’m not a therapist.

I’m out of ideas and tearing my hair out. Every time something has gone poorly, I’ve spoken up. I’ve also confirmed with a trusted colleague that my communications are kind and productive. Should I cut my losses? Am I missing something here? I’m talking with my attorney but I’d love some feedback.

I think you need to cut her loose, I’m sorry.

Ivy might thrive in a job where she had a lot of support, but you’ve hired her to be your partner, not a trainee or a junior. She’s not taking any initiative to get up to speed, even after clear directions on what she should be reading/practicing, she needs a huge amount of guidance and oversight (and doesn’t function at a high level even when she gets it), she’s inaccessible and unresponsive to you and to clients, and she lied about doing something for a client that she hadn’t done. Any of those on their own would be a major concern; taken together, they’re incredibly damning. I don’t see how you can keep her on.

The one thing you could try, if you haven’t already, is to have a very clear and honest conversation where you lay out the problems you see and exactly what you’d need to see differently from Ivy in order to make this work. If you’ve previously softened the message at all, it could be worth one final, very clear attempt … but frankly, with everything you’ve described, it’s really unlikely to produce the kinds of sustained changes you need. Small improvements aren’t going to be enough here — you’d need her to completely overhaul everything about how she works. That’s probably not realistic. (It also doesn’t sound like she’s open to having that conversation, so it might not be possible even if you were willing to try it.)

This almost certainly just isn’t the right role for her right now.

I do find myself curious about how you came to hire Ivy — how thoroughly you vetted her and how rigorously you probed into her skills and work habits and past achievements, and whether you relied on things like conversational chemistry or liking her personally rather than on a more intensive investigation of her work. It’s really common for entrepreneurs who are used to working on their own to hire people who don’t have the right skills yet but who seem eager to learn (often because that reminds them of themselves when they were starting out, and that combination worked for them) … and sometimes that model works, but a lot of the time it doesn’t. If you’re going to try this again, I’d look at people who already have the skills and knowledge you need — and a track record you can look at, too.

Read an update to this letter

my assigned mentor is younger and less experienced, I don’t want to do a department overnight, and more

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. I turned down another job because my company promised me a raise … and now they’re not giving it to me

I have been with the same company for five years. I have steadily worked my way up and been given more and more responsibility. However, due Covid and the “Great Resignation,” my company experienced significant staffing changes. I have always been fairly flexible and tried to adapt to any changes that came my way.

Due to staffing issues and various clients coming and going, my workload has fluctuated much more than anyone else’s on the team. Not only am I the least experienced, I am now being asked to clean up other files that were not in the best shape. As a result, I feel like I haven’t been able to get the training or experience I need to keep up with some of the other coworkers who have much more experience. In spite of this, I meet my goals and have had very good performance reviews.

Due to burnout and exhaustion from not having a solid caseload and always having to be the “clean up person,” I found and accepted another job. As soon as my employer found out, they offered me a significant pay raise which exceeded the already very generous offer from the new company. They promised to make some changes and adjust my caseload to make things more manageable. I happily agreed to this and told the new company that I was thankful for their offer but I would be staying where I am.

Barely a week later, my current supervisor advised that I am no longer getting the raise due to a company-wide hiring freeze.

I didn’t feel like it would have been professional to turn right around to the new company and ask for the job I had just turned down. So I am now out the raise from the current company, but I am also unable to accept the new job.

I understand that business is business and I hold no ill will towards my supervisor as I know she was just the messenger (she did her best and I appreciate her trying). However, what little motivation I did have is gone. Any advice would be appreciated! I don’t like not giving my best effort, but it’s also difficult not to feel resentful for the opportunities I’ve now lost out on.

This isn’t “business is business” — your company significantly screwed you over. They made a promise that you acted on to your detriment — and they knew that. This wasn’t a raise they offered out of the blue and then had to backtrack on; they offered you a raise specifically to prevent you from leaving when you’d announced you had taken another job, and they know that you were relying on their word when you turned down the other offer, and that you’re now left without the raise or the other job. They acted in bad faith; it’s a serious breach of trust.

You don’t have much to lose by going back to the other company now and seeing if the offer is still open — it might not be, but you might as well try. If it’s not, you should be actively job-searching, because your company has treated you incredibly poorly.

Related:
my company made a counter-offer to keep me — and now is attaching strings to it

2. My assigned mentor is younger and less experienced in our field

A few months ago, my company shifted me to a newly formed team. The transition has been difficult for many reasons, most important probably being that I don’t feel qualified/well suited for the position.

To aid with this, my new manager has proposed finding me a mentor, to help me navigate challenges (more on the approach/mentality side than strictly task-related). I was initially very excited by the prospect of having someone in the know to seek guidance from, and was mentally compiling a list of questions to start off with. However, I recently found out that the person they found is a few years younger than me and has less work experience than me in our field (but a higher position) and all my enthusiasm deflated.

This has me stumped. Is it wrong of me to see it as a faux pas to give someone a younger mentor? Especially since some of the issues we want to work on are my impostor syndrome and lack of faith in my own abilities. Frankly, I can hardly imagine a less suitable scenario for me to be able to do that.

I know I should try to keep an open mind and at least give it a try (which is what my manager suggested when I communicated my apprehension), but in my head, the dynamic has completely shifted, from aspirational to self flagellating. I can only picture myself with defenses fully up, instead of being able to be open and vulnerable.

Did your manager explain why they thought this particular person would be a good mentor? That’s what I’d want to know. But assuming they’re not right out of school, a few years younger is such a minor age difference that it’s basically non-existent. And they’re in a higher level position so it’s very possible they have useful skills or insights to impart.

So why not go into it with a spirit of inquiry? Your boss thinks this person has something to offer, so you might as well get curious about what that thing is and try to figure it out. If you meet with them a couple of times and don’t find it useful, you can go back to your boss at that point, but you’ll be better positioned to do that if you’ve given it a good-faith effort first.

3. I don’t want to do a department overnight

I work for a university auxiliary (think Housing, Dining, Recreation etc.). Our director, my immediate boss, has been here for two years. He’s … not excellent. There’s a lot of talk about transparency and respect and actions that don’t reflect those values.

He is big into assigning leadership books and management jargon and the like. He’s also instituted retreats, which we haven’t had before. At a meeting planning the retreat for employees at my level, we were discussing activities and he asked the group if anybody didn’t want to do an overnight portion. Silence.

I very much don’t want to have an overnight retreat. I like most of my coworkers and am warm and professional but am definitely an introvert. A day thing of bonding and activities would be okay. I know once a year won’t kill me, but I deeply don’t want to have a sleepover with these folks. It occurs during my busiest time of year, I have two small children, and frankly I just don’t wanna.

This will come up next year and I wonder if I should speak up if asked and be honest. I’m worried it will go poorly for me because this is very much my boss’s thing and he’s not great about pushback. But I can’t possibly be the only person who doesn’t want an overnight and maybe it would encourage other folks to speak up and we can get out of it. I raised the issue of my workload at the time and that was dismissed because most other folks aren’t busy then.

Yeah, you’re going to need to be more direct than citing your workload, because workload is a problem your boss will think he can solve for you. But it’s totally reasonable to say, “It’s not possible for me because of childcare responsibilities.” If you didn’t have that excuse, you could be vaguer: “It’s not possible for me because of commitments I have at home in the evenings” or “It would be very difficult, if not impossible, for me to do an overnight because of some family obligations I have right now” or so forth.

And getting coworkers to push back should help as well. It’s highly likely that you’re not the only one who’s unenthused about the idea.

(To be clear, there are jobs where occasional overnight travel is part of the job. But this sounds like unnecessary fluff and he’s directly asking if anyone dislikes the overnight portion — so you might as well speak up and say you do.)

Read an update to this letter. 

4. Using the word “cool” in a cover letter

Does using the word “cool” in a cover letter make me sound 12? I’ve attached my cover letter for a job I’m really, really hoping to get, and one line references doing work “telling people about cool things.” My thinking was that if the rest of the letter is very professional, that one word would convey enthusiasm, rather than immaturity. But the person I was talking to (giving a seminar on all parts of applying to jobs) suggested wording that sounded very formal and polysyllabic for that sentence, and said to not use “cool” because “you’re not 12.”

Don’t take any advice from that person. Using “cool” the way you’ve used it in your letter is fine. People use the word in offices every day, and they are in fact adults. “Cool” is a pretty unremarkable part of the language at this point. You shouldn’t write, like, “fucking badass,” but  “cool” in this context is completely fine.

5. Can I ask if a job is still open before I apply?

I am currently employed, but I’ve been doing some on and off job hunting over the past year. I’d probably say out of all the applications I have submitted, at least 25% of the job postings are removed within a day or two after submitting. While I understand this could mean many things, at the end of the day it is frustrating to invest time into a cover letter and resume for what is essentially a false lead. All of my resumes are tailored to be specific to the posting and I have a range of experience, so applications may be for different industries where some of my previous roles are not necessarily relevant. A templated resume is a good start, but it will always require at least some time investment to get it to final submission status. Lately it seems like when I’m in application mode, I typically work on 2-3 cover letters/resumes a week in between a full-time job and general life stuff.

Would it look out of touch for me to contact the company to ask if they are still looking to fill the position before I spend time working on a resume? Especially for jobs that have been posted for a while (and don’t have a closing date listed)? I get that it may just be timing as to when it was posted and they found a hire, but with multiple instances of almost immediate removal after I send in my application, it’s hard not to think that some of the websites just aren’t being updated in a timely manner.

It won’t look out of touch, but it also might not get you answers. A lot of employers just don’t respond to that kind of inquiry, or don’t respond until after the point when the answer would be useful to you. (And if jobs are closing quickly, there’s a good chance of them closing while you’re waiting to hear an answer back, thus making you miss the window when you could have applied.)

I think you’re worried that by the time you see the job, it’s already closed and when you submit an application, that’s what triggers them to remember they need to remove the post … but I’m skeptical about that accounting for most of it. It’s more likely that you’re seeing jobs that are only open for fairly short windows — not that your application is the thing that spurs them to take down the post.

I’d also look at how much tailoring you’re doing for each resume you submit. It sounds like you have a master resume that you delete things from that won’t be relevant — which is good — but that should be a fairly short project for each job. If you’re investing a lot of time in that for each application, you’re forgoing a lot of the benefits of keeping that kind of master resume, and that’s where I’d look for efficiencies.

weekend open thread – May 13-14, 2023

This comment section is open for any non-work-related discussion you’d like to have with other readers, by popular demand.

Here are the rules for the weekend posts.

Book recommendation of the week: Liars and Saints, by Maile Meloy. Secrets follow a close-knit Catholic family through four generations. A satisfying family saga.

* I make a commission if you use that Amazon link.

it’s your Friday good news

It’s your Friday good news!

1.  “I wrote to you a while back after a vague but negative performance review at a major health care organization, asking if my boss was trying to get me to quit. I learned that she was just not a good manager or a good person, and that the rest of the department enabled her.

I brought the negative review to my HR business partner, who was supposed to be a career development advisor, and she forgot to dial in for our first call. We rescheduled, but on the second call she hadn’t read the review and gave me nothing but vague platitudes.

From your column, I recognized more than a few warning signs:
* She told me I couldn’t have the day off to go to my master’s degree graduation (I said it was non-negotiable and took the day, but still had to work the day before while I had family in town).
* She called me up, yelled at me, and then hung up on me … when discussing the correct aspect ratio for an image in a social media post (I had started following guidelines from Facebook and our central marketing office without her explicit instructions).
* I found out that the person who had this job previously had also quit to get away from this manager.
* Just as I got my master’s degree, I got a clear economic signal to hit the exits: a 1% raise with inflation at 8%, and a change in health insurance policies that reduced my pay by 5%.
* I had a panic attack when she emailed to ask me to call her.

I quit without a backup plan in place. There was no exit interview. Former coworkers who then had to deal with her began to text me to say how much they missed me and hated working with her.

I’m now temping (at a much higher hourly rate!) because I was afraid of committing to a permanent job anywhere. Where I work now, the review process for completing documents is supportive and produces good quality results. My new manager and her manager have both made it clear that they appreciate my work and want me to stay around. My contact at the temp agency says he’s almost never seen anyone get such rave reviews.

Thank you for your column. I have been in the weeds for so long, I don’t think I ever realized what a healthy and respectful environment looked like.”

2.  “I moved into the nonprofit space four years ago after spending almost ten years of feeling relatively unfulfilled in my private sector career.

And while I understand the dream job concept can be toxic, for me landing in the right nonprofit opportunity was eye-opening. Suddenly I felt passion for my work in a way I had never experienced, and many of my colleagues are some of the brightest, hardest working people I’ve ever experienced — and, wow, colleagues treated each other as human beings. I was working on projects that I felt had a real impact. And I quickly became a manager, which was so tough but incredibly fulfilling because I was able to be the kind of boss I wish I had earlier in my career.

But, then I started having issues with my boss, the department head. There were so many red flags: he played favorites with certain types of work our department did and favored the people doing that work, he took all of the credit for himself whenever possible, he was purposefully opaque about what he was working on, he never articulated a strategy or goals for the team, he became incredibly insecure about non-profit leadership seeing his shortcomings so he began over-delegating his department head responsibilities, adding tons of work to my plate in the process.

I met with his manager and HR separately to share my thoughts, but they said there was nothing for them to act on beyond recommending some executive coaching for him and recommending that I learn to live with it.

So I doubled down on my work and developing skills within my team and tried to minimize the impact he was having on me. Which only served to make him more insecure. He began actively pigeonholing me, minimizing my team’s contributions, and began regularly raising his voice at me in 1-1 and group settings. I was stressed to the point where I was losing weight, not sleeping well, and having intense anxiety before and during 1-1s.

Honestly this was a pretty dark time for me. But reading AAM let me know that I wasn’t alone!! I thought about leaving, but I was pissed — I loved this work, I was good at it, I wanted to stay.

And then, we had a leadership change. My boss got a new boss. Who heard me out and decided to get involved in understanding the issues. It took time, but six months later, my boss was gone and I was given the opportunity to interview for his job (and I got it!).

I’m back to loving my job. It’s difficult and wonderful and rewarding and tiring all at the same time. But I feel grateful to work for a company that values their staff, and for my new manager who was willing to get involved despite being new to their own role.”

3.  “You once helped me (privately) deal with a coworker who was making ableist and sexist jokes — his whole saga was how I became a commenter.

I documented that, and my whole job search process last year, which was a really stressful time, and I actually went against the general advice not to disclose my (recently diagnosed) ADHD because I had realized that whenever I had struggled at work, it was usually due to a symptom I didn’t realize I had. But letting the job know this was actually due to the many lessons I’ve learned from the posts and the fellow commenters — the way your job makes you feel is really important, and having become a father, I knew I couldn’t be my best self for him if I spent all day feeling terrible. The diagnosis just gave me a useful litmus test, and I did have a job, so I could afford to wait until the right thing came.

I finally found the right thing, and I’ve never felt more confident and comfortable in my own skin. I’m not sure what it means that so much of how we feel often ends up tied to our workplaces, but it’s really been a remarkable change to feel professionally supported (and much better compensated) in a healthy workplace where people are (gasp) working towards a common set of goals.

So basically the site and the fellow commenters helped me see that I really needed someplace new, and that, if I could afford to wait it out — and it was hard — finding the right fit for me was something worth holding out for.”

4.  “I took a job in October that ended up being a VERY bad fit. The team was incredible but the actual work was the exact opposite of what I am good at — plus the nature of this job meant I had to continually make mistakes in order to learn how to do things correctly, which was a nightmare for my sense of worth. My boss and I have a great relationship and I was able to be transparent about how miserable I was, and she gave me her full support in finding a new position.

Initially I was hesitant because I am a former job hopper who has done immense work to unlearn those habits. I was worried about how it would look that I was only at this job for five months, that it might look like I was back to my old ways, but I just knew in my bones that I was never going to be good at this job. Staying wouldn’t benefit anyone – not me, not my excellent team, not my clients.

I applied for 8 jobs, was offered 5 initial interviews, then 2 second interviews, and finally 3 job offers (plus, all of these are with state agencies, so it is likely more offers will show up down the line). I have accepted one of the positions which came with a 20% pay increase, 30% more PTO, and is at an organization that is known for having high-quality in-demand employees. I know I would not have had such a successful job search if I hadn’t started reading your blog all those years ago. Plus, I am over the moon to be returning to an industry that I am passionate about, in a role with responsibilities that I excel at.”

5.  “I’m a freelancer who applied to a contract position to create a monthly work product for the company. We interviewed and it was clearly a good fit, so they offered me an increase in the base salary and a bonus to sign on for 2 full years. A few years ago I would have jumped at that, but I decided it was part of a negotiation, so I asked for more money and a higher bonus. I was very nervous and had some feelings about being unworthy or ungrateful, but pushed through it because I knew they wanted my specific skill set, experience, and network — and I knew from years of reading your advice that I shouldn’t leave money on the table. Anyway, they accepted my counteroffer, I’m starting next week, and now I’m charging ALL my clients more (and none of them are complaining, either)!”

open thread – May 12-13, 2023

It’s the Friday open thread!

The comment section on this post is open for discussion with other readers on any work-related questions that you want to talk about (that includes school). If you want an answer from me, emailing me is still your best bet*, but this is a chance to take your questions to other readers.

* If you submitted a question to me recently, please do not repost it here, as it may be in my queue to answer.

coworker is angry that I don’t want her grandson’s old baby things, no one will buy my networking shirts, and more

It’s four answers to four questions. Here we go…

1. My coworker is angry that I don’t want her grandson’s old baby things

I work at a company of around 80 people. I’m expecting my first baby in a few months and my coworkers have all been very enthusiastic and excited for me.

A few weeks ago, “Prudence,” who works in another department asked me if I’d like any secondhand baby things. Her daughter and grandson live with her and she said she had lots of clothes that her grandson had outgrown. We’ve already been inundated with more clothes and toys than we could ever use so I tried to explain that I appreciated her offer and could use a few things, but we were largely set.

The next day she showed up with a bag of baby clothes and I thanked her. She asked if she could bring me more the following day. I said I appreciated her generosity but we really didn’t need any more. When I arrived the following morning, I found a bag of baby clothes in my office. Unlike the previous bag’s contents, which were in good condition, most of these were stained and threadbare. Prudence is a smoker and all the items reeked of cigarettes. When Prudence came by to make sure I’d gotten them, I thanked her again but told her more firmly that I didn’t need more baby items.

The following day she showed up with multiple sets of bedding. I had already purchased bedding and have the baby’s room decorated. When she tried to hand them to me, I told her thank you, but I didn’t need them. At that Prudence got angry and snapped, “Well, what am I supposed to do with these? Am I just supposed to haul them around all day?” She then dropped them on my office floor and stormed off. Not knowing what to do with them, I wound up just tossing them in the office dumpster (Prudence did not see me do that and to my knowledge is unaware). Now she’s barely speaking to me and shooting me angry looks whenever we encounter each other.

I don’t want to seem ungrateful, but I have no need for these items and I feel like she’s just using me as a convenient way to dump things she no longer wants. Am I in the wrong to turn down the items? If not, how do I make these unwanted “gifts” and her angry attitude stop?

No, you’re not in the wrong, and you don’t need to seem grateful for items you didn’t ask for and in fact told her you didn’t want. If we had a time machine, I’d suggest you not thank her for or accept that second bag (the one you ended up tossing) but rather hand it back to her with a firm, “I can’t accept this” (and if she refused to take it back, put it in her office later) … but it’s certainly not your fault for not knowing that you were opening up the Gates Of Never-Ending Baby Clothes.

It’s not really on you to fix this — you aren’t the rude one — but if it feels like you’d benefit professionally from at least trying to smooth it over, you could say, “Hey, you seemed upset that I couldn’t take the bedding the other day. We’re overwhelmed with stuff for the baby and don’t have room for more. I hope you find a good home for anything you’re still looking to give away!” … and see if it smooths her feathers a little; it may or may not. Alternately, you could ignore the situation entirely and just try to interact with her normally about something work-related; sometimes making a point of doing that that can reset things a bit (and other times, not — it depends on how weird Prudence is determined to be). If that doesn’t work … it’s in her court and should just continue being polite (and enjoying your freedom from unwanted bags of baby things).

2. No one will buy my networking t-shirts

Several years ago I was frustrated with the way people went about looking for jobs. I’m a small business owner and even before running my own company, I always networked. Through networking I’ve managed to do so much. Today I run six networking groups.
Again, several years ago I created a t-shirt designed to network for you. It lists various fields, each with a checkbox by it, and comes with a small sharpie so you can check off the type of job or career you desire. By wearing the t-shirt everywhere you go, it starts the job seeking conversation.

I marketed them inexpensively to college grads. I went to colleges, job fairs, and even graduations. Not one t-shirt sold. I was so angry. I was on popular talk shows and in the paper and still nothing. Today I sit with every size t-shirt in my garage. Many ask why I don’t still pursue this idea. They are the ones who got the idea and believe in it.

Perhaps I was ahead of my time. I marketed towards college grads who texted as a main form of communication. However, today communication is even worse. Young adults can barely look someone in the eye.

Please tell me what your opinion is of my t-shirts. I hoped people would wear them daily and maybe while filling their gas tank this would start a conversation that would change their lives forever. Networking will always be the way to get what you need. Referrals, physicians, mechanics, plumbers, electricians, landscapers, housekeepers, financial advisors, accountants, babysitters, trainers, real estate agents, tutors, and whatever I have missed. Am I wrong? Would my product help those unable to network?

I don’t think most people want to wear what’s essentially a walking billboard proclaiming that they’re seeking work in X field — which I think is what the lack of sales is telling you. And if someone does want to wear a shirt advertising their job search, they probably don’t want one that lists a few dozen fields with checkboxes; they’d want just their own field. (But I’m not suggesting you create one that does that instead! Most people don’t want to wear this on a shirt, period.)

From the sounds of it, all those people who pushed the idea and are asking why you’re not still pursuing it haven’t bought shirts themselves, which is telling.

I’d say listen to the what your market data is telling you.

(Also, it’s not at all my experience with young adults that they can barely look people in the eye!)

3. I can hear my coworker listening to TV shows through our office wall

I have a new coworker, John, who is just out of school and seems nice, but is a bit aloof so we haven’t spoken much. His office is right next to mine and our walls are really thin. John listens to CNN talk shows and other television shows for hours without headphones. I can hear everything and find it very distracting. I usually wear my personal AirPods with the noise cancellation setting on. However, when I need to take a zoom meeting, I have to switch headphones because I don’t like to connect my AirPods to my work computer. When I do this I can hear all of John’s shows through my headphones. I’m the only one who can hear his shows because of the way the offices are set up so this only impacts me in the office.

I haven’t talked to him about this yet because I don’t want to seem rude, as I really don’t know him well. I’m also hesitant to bring it up to my supervisor, as I don’t know if he’s watching the shows instead of working or is working with them on for background noise, and I don’t want to get him in trouble. Is there a good way to address this without being rude or can I ask my work to pay for (expensive) noise cancelling headphones that I can use with my computer?

You are making this into a much bigger deal than it should be! It’s not rude to politely ask someone to keep noise down in their office — and it’s definitely not rude when the thing causing noise is TV shows that they’re not even bothering to use headphones for. John probably doesn’t realize that you can hear him, and you just need to let him know it’s bothering you. (Definitely don’t consider going to your boss about it before you’ve tried talking to John directly!) In fact, think of it as a courtesy to him — he’s new in your office and right out of school and probably doesn’t want to be inadvertently annoying people or coming across like he doesn’t care about basic professional norms.

Pop your head in there and say, “Could you use headphones when you’re listening to shows? I can hear it through the walls, even with my headphones on, and it’s distracting.” Say it cheerfully, and in a tone of “obviously you don’t realize this and will happily fix it once you do” (as opposed to a tone that says “this is very fraught and I am afraid to ask it”).

4. Can I use an engagement photo as a professional headshot?

I could use some guidance on professional headshots. I’m relatively new to the workforce, having just graduated with my masters and getting a full-time professional position in my field. My institution doesn’t require headshots but it is very normal to have them on our website, email profiles, and presentations. I’ve never had any professional photos taken that turned out well. (My institution offers free headshots every few months but they somehow always make me look like an egg. I digress.)

However, I do have a photo from my recent engagement shoot that I want to use instead. My hair is simple and my makeup is typical for my daily workwear. The only thing that gives it away is that the black dress I’m wearing has some sparkly/celestial details (fairly normal for my closet, though) and the background is dark blurry trees. I used the same photo for my master’s program defense and people loved it.

Am I overthinking this? In my mind it seems far better than a selfie but I have no clue what the norms are around headshots. I work in academic libraries, so we sort of straddle the line between “creative community hub” and “traditional academia” culture.

The best way to figure it out is to look at the photos other people are using. If everyone else is in business suits or against a generic corporate blue background, you’d want to match that vibe in formality and not be the one person whose photo doesn’t match. But otherwise, I think you’re fine — you sent me the photo and nothing about it screams “bridal.” (And it’s a great photo!)

if you’re unhappy with a change at work, should you bring it up before you start job-searching?

A reader writes:

My fiance, Jim, works at a successful but relatively small nonprofit. He’s the head of his department of one, and is the only person who’s ever been in his role; he was hired to start the department about two years ago and by all accounts has been very successful.

About four months ago, there was an internal restructuring, and he ended up with a new boss who’s now making changes. Jim was fully remote until two months ago, when he started having to go in three days a week, which was a bit disappointing but overall fine. However, now they want to change his hours. His hours are 9-5, but he’s a morning person and on the days he works from home, he often starts work at 7 am or 8 am because it’s when he works best and he prefers to have more free time later. He does have to be “on call” functionally until 5 pm when he does that though. Most people at the org work 10 am – 6 pm, and they want him to change to match. He hates this idea. He said it might be workable on WFH days, but he’s in the office more than half the week and he’ll be miserable getting home from work at 7 pm. The day he found out about the change, he started putting together his resume and putting feelers out in his network to find out about other openings.

My question is: if you feel that strongly about a change, is it worth it to bring it up before you leave to see if they’re willing to be flexible? I know there’s risk involved with that, so I guess I’m asking how you weigh risk vs reward here.

Yeah, if you otherwise like the job and something changes that makes you want to leave, it often makes sense to bring it up and see if it’s fixable before you quit over it.

That doesn’t usually mean saying outright, “I am going to quit if this doesn’t change.” Sometimes it might, which I’ll get to in a minute, but usually you’re better served by something like:

“I appreciate the reasons you’re asking me to sync my hours with everyone else’s, but I work a lot better starting earlier in the day. Is there any room for flexibility on this?”

or

“X is really important to me — it’s one of the reasons I took the job initially and have happily stayed here as long as I have. Would you be open to trying __ instead?” (In some cases you could propose trying your suggestion just for a few months and seeing how it goes.)

When you say something is really important to you, the subtext is already there that you might end up leaving if you don’t get it, so you don’t usually need to spell it out. But in a small number of cases, it can make sense to anyway — usually when you think that clearly stating that could change the outcome and you’re confident you can safely say it without retribution. That last part is really key, because some managers will react really badly to anything that feels like forcing their hand, and you don’t want to get pushed out earlier than you would have left on your own or sour the relationship with your boss for whatever time you remain. But there are some situations where you can safely say, “I want to be up-front that this is important enough to me that I’d likely move on if we can’t do it.”

To be clear, none of this means you’re obligated to talk to your boss if you’re unhappy enough with a change to leave over it. You’re allowed to decide that you don’t feel like expending the effort or the capital. But in a job you otherwise like, it often makes sense to try.

Read an update to this letter