Ask a Manager

It’s four answers to four questions. Here we go…

1. Can I comment on personal appointments on people’s work calendars?

Something I’ve wondered about for a while: sometimes I see calendar events on my supervisor’s calendar that are non-work-related, but also not marked as private (so name and location are visible). Is it acceptable to ever say something to my supervisor like, “How was that restaurant you went to over the weekend? I’ve always wanted to try it out.” Or should I keep quiet about things like that?

I’d err on the side of not commenting.

When people use their work calendars to track non-work engagements too (which a lot of people do because it’s easier to have everything in one place), there’s generally a polite fiction in place that colleagues won’t comment on personal appointments.

2. My coworker wanted to bring her kid with strep and mono to work

We recently had a kerfuffle at work with Bring Your Kid To Work Day. Our coworker, Karen, posted on our slack channel Tuesday that her child had strep AND mono, but she was going to bring the child to our office on Thursday anyway. I replied and said that is a bad idea and you need to consider coworkers who might have undisclosed medical conditions. I am a level above Karen, although she does not report to me. It is even worse because the event has an FAQ that specifically says not to bring sick children, and they have a virtual event parents can do from home instead.

Today I got a call from my supervisor chastising me for “not respecting” Karen because I told her not to bring her ill child to the office. He also said it was a HIPAA violation. (We do not work in health care.) Another coworker had told Karen that they had serious health conditions and getting mono for them would be very, very severe. So I told my boss that we had a higher obligation to the employee than to a child who has no relationship to our company. One person is required to be here (we have a return to office mandate) and the other one does not. Also, if the coworker with the illness has not officially requested an accomodation, this isn’t a textbook ADA violation, but would they have any standing to say they made a reasonable request and we put them at risk anyway?

End story, the ill child will still be coming into the office and her parent has no plans to disclose that she has mono to the other 450 children in attendance. I am on thin ice with my boss for daring to tell this coworker it was a bad idea. And the entire team is angry with her for her lack of judgement.

Are there ADA considerations here? What would have been a better way for my boss to navigate this conflict? Even if there isn’t an ADA mandate, don’t we have a responsibility not to willfully expose workers to contagious viruses? Have we learned nothing from Covid?

Nothing here is a HIPAA violation (HIPAA only applies to health care workers and a few other very narrowly defined categories) but your manager’s actions are a serious violation of common sense.

Whether there’s an ADA issue in play would depend on details I don’t have, like whether your coworker’s condition is covered by the ADA and whether they had asked not to be exposed to the child (or to people with mono or strep in general). They wouldn’t have to have made a formal request for accommodation under the ADA; employers are required to comply with the ADA even if the employee doesn’t specifically cite the law in making a request.

But I don’t think the ADA is the most fruitful way to tackle this regardless — because even without that coworker with the serious condition, bringing a child with strep and mono into your office is so clearly a terrible idea for everyone (including all the other kids who would be there that day too). Ideally you would have skipped over your manager once it became clear he was making such a ridiculous call and gone to HR and/or whoever was organizing the event, to point out that Karen had announced she planned violate the event’s clearly stated health policy.

And yes, you’re correct, we’ve learned nothing from Covid.

3. We’re required to be back in the office but the workspace is terrible

Two months ago, our multinational company’s CEO sent out an email saying employees whose jobs are categorized as hybrid are all expected to be in the office four days a week. This was in the middle of a layoff announcement, so the pushback was minimal.

I honestly don’t mind going into the office, but our 20-person team is still hybrid. More than half the team work remotely, either because of their job categories or because they are in different cities. All of our meetings are Zoom and we have no hybrid meeting rooms. This means that those of us in the office are all signing on to the same team meetings from our desks on Zoom. Or that people in our shared workspace are talking on Zoom meetings while others are trying to work. It is loud and distracting! I find this physically stressful and it affects my productivity and mood.

I don’t understand why we have to come into the office if we are still primarily communicating on Slack and Zoom. Everyone agrees it’s a problem but I’m the only one who keeps bringing it up in meetings with management, saying we need Zoom rooms. The response is that we don’t have enough space for all of our employees and that I should get noise-canceling headphones. Isn’t the whole point of the mandate that we are supposed to be collaborating more? I feel like if our division head is going to enforce the mandate, the least they can do is make sure that our physical workspace allows us to be as productive as we are at home. I hate being a squeaky wheel, but since the executives all have large private offices, I don’t see how this issue gets resolved unless we keep voicing it. Unfortunately, I seem to be the only one willing to bring this up. Should I just give up?

If you’re the only one bringing it up … probably. You’re right on the facts — it makes no sense to bring people back to the office if you’re all going to sit on Zoom calls with remote staff all day anyway — but if you’ve raised it and been ignored/shut down and there aren’t enough other people joining you to make a concerted group push, it’s unlikely that you’ll make any headway, at least right now. (For what it’s worth, you probably weren’t going to get a lot of traction with the noise argument regardless; lots of offices have always had people on calls all day. The “why are we coming in if it makes our work harder without adding any benefit?” is a stronger argument, but a lot of management teams have decided they’re not swayed by it.)

4. My boss makes lots of typos — should I offer to proofread her newsletters?

I’m an elementary school teacher. My principal is a wonderful person. She’s great with the kids, the staff and the parents. When she sends out a newsletter or email, however, I wince from the number of typos. She’s a big fan of the apostrophe plural and frequently confuses there/they’re, your/you’re, etc. Nothing catastrophic, but as a school, I think this reflects poorly on us. I’d be happy to proofread these for her, but there’s no way I can broach this without acting like I feel that I’m smarter than her. I should leave this to the grandbosses and stay in my own lane, right?

Yeah, you should leave it alone. If someone above her cares, they’ll raise it with her.

You’re right that it looks bad; it’s just not your job to fix it. Plus, the last thing you need as a teacher is more unpaid work.

My high school principal used to do the same thing, and teenage me took extreme pleasure in marking up his communications with red pen and leaving them in his office in-box. Fortunately your students aren’t at that age yet.

Related:
are senior execs too busy for spelling and grammar?

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Can I invite only women and LGBTQ+ coworkers to a private movie screening?

I’m very, very excited about the upcoming release of a particular movie. I’ve been in touch with a theater about a private event on opening night and am in the process of inviting “Girls, Gays, and Theys” (women and LGBTQ+ people) only to that screening.

Among my friends, I know I’m entitled to invite whomever I would like to an event I’m organizing. But, if I were to only invite certain coworkers (women and LGBTQ+ people), would this be some form of gender- or sexual orientation-based workplace discrimination (to exclude cis/straight men)? If it matters, I wouldn’t be inviting coworkers who report to me. I’d only be inviting members of other teams/departments.

If you’re arranging a private social event that (1) isn’t in any way work-sponsored and (2) you’re not inviting some people you manage while leaving others out and (3) you’re not part of the organization’s senior leadership, you should be fine. All three of those caveats are really important though.

That’s not to say that private social events can’t be discriminatory — look at the long history of women being excluded professionally by informal men’s social networks centered around golf and strip clubs — but context matters. You’re not perpetuating a deeply entrenched system of excluding a particular demographic. If you were, my answer would be different.

That said, there could still be repercussions to this that are worth thinking through. Are there cis/straight men in your office who would like to go and will feel you’re being exclusionary (which isn’t the same as being discriminatory in this case) and will that matter in your office? That’s a different question (and a less weighty one, but still a question).

Read an update to this letter. 

2. Managers asking for video testimonials from former employees

I wanted to get your thoughts on something that happened a couple months ago. A past manager, “Fergus,” whom I hadn’t heard from since leaving my job almost two years ago, messaged me on a weekend evening saying he had a favor to ask. He said he had an interview and that he was hoping I could make a short video (30 seconds) about his leadership style for a video he was putting together for his interview. I found it really off-putting (I was already in pajamas, it was due the next day, and while I think he was very good at his job, he was not a manager I grew much under by virtue of outgrowing my role).

My question is twofold: One, this is a weird thing for a former manager to ask, right? I immediately thought, “What would Ask a Manager say about this power imbalance?” because it put me in the awkward position of having to decide if I would need him professionally in the future and if it was burning a bridge if I said no. And what if I really didn’t like his leadership style?

Two, is this something interviewers are asking for? Or something that candidates think helps set them apart in presentations? (And does it? I did hear through the grapevine that Fergus got this fairly prestigious job.) This is the second time I’ve been asked for a video like this from a past manager. (I did it the first time because it was a manager who I do think helped me grow a lot, and they gave me more time to send it to them.) I’ve given references before for people I’ve overseen and that can be time consuming. But this feels a lot more onerous than giving a reference for someone because of the video component.

Yeah, this is a … surprising ask. Most interviewers aren’t looking for 30-second testimonials from people the candidate managed, especially ones gathered by the candidate themselves. (As with the question about recommendation letters earlier this week, the assumption is that people won’t be fully candid if they know the candidate will see what they say … and if the employer wants references, they want to ask their own questions, not receive something the candidate has curated.) And you’re right about the power dynamics; it’s tricky to ask for this kind of favor when your need for future references gives you a strong incentive to keep him happy with you.

I think you would have been fine “not seeing” the message until a few days later, at which point it would be too late.

3. How to shut down comments from a contractor who applied for my job

I was recently hired for a fairly competitive position. Jane, who had regularly worked as a contractor with the organization, was a finalist for the job. When I was hired, she expressed support for me and (fairly aggressively) communicated that she wished to continue working on projects as a contractor, as she has done previously. Because of that, and to honor her past working history with the company and her very good work, I went ahead and hired her for a project that will be finished next year.

She is doing great work, but something she does is making it increasingly difficult for me to work with her: she keeps making weirdly passive-aggressive comments about the position, how she was the previous person’s “first pick for the job,” and “see, this is why you got this position instead of me” and “I could never do this, it really worked out for the best.” It is really starting to get on my nerves, though for now I haven’t said anything about it and not responded to the comments.

She also continues to push her other projects, sending me fully formed plans that she hopes I may be able to make happen in the future and which she would lead. She is already taking a lead role in the current project, and while I moved ahead with this because of the reasons previously mentioned, I’m now regretting it because it’s getting so uncomfortable.

I want to honor Jane’s work history with the company, but the whole dynamic feels so weird that I honestly don’t want to work with her again after this project. However, I also want to be fair to her. So I guess my question is how, in the short term, to shut down these weird comments and have a good relationship with her until this project is done, and whether in the long term I need to sever ties or find a better way to keep her involved, based on the high quality of her work and history with the company.

I know you’re probably concerned about making things more awkward, but by letting Jane’s comments go without any response, you’re letting her believe there’s nothing awkward about her repeatedly saying those things — and keeping her from knowing that she’s risking future work too. You might get better results if you instead respond in a way that makes it clearer that her comments are landing strangely. The next time she mentions how she was someone’s first pick for the role, try saying, “You’ve made a lot of comments like that and it puts me in an awkward position. Are you comfortable continuing this work with me running the X program?” (With her less aggressive comments, like “it worked out for the best,” you might try a dry, “So you’ve mentioned.”) It’s possible that by conveying a bit more of a reaction, you might jog her into realizing she’s not just venting into the wind … but is actively creating a weird dynamic with the person in charge of  her work.

If that doesn’t solve it, it could make sense to pose the question more bluntly: “You’ve made a lot of comments about me getting this job, and I’m not sure how to take them. Does it make sense for me to continue bringing you on for projects after this one is over?”

As for whether you can just sever ties after this if this doesn’t get better, it likely depends on internal politics in your organization and how much people with influence there would care. But I also suspect she’ll stop doing it if you make it clear she’s jeopardizing future work.

4. Should I say anything to my boss about how much sick leave I’ve been using?

For just over a year, I’ve worked at a job I love. I moved to a new state for this job, and since the move I seem to get sick MUCH more frequently than I ever did before.

Despite working almost entirely remotely, distancing in public, and getting all vaccines and boosters on time, I managed to contract Covid a few months into the job and spent 10 days too exhausted to do anything but sleep and eat. Now, even with similar precautions, I’ve been catching every bug going around this winter. It’s at the point where I have to call in sick for one to two days about every four weeks, and I’m starting to feel extremely guilty about it. We have combined sick/vacation time. I ran out of PTO days when I had Covid last year and had to use some unpaid time, but have since accrued enough PTO that my subsequent sick days have all been paid. My boss has never expressed doubt about any illnesses, but I’m worried that she’ll privately assume I’m abusing sick time.

My annual review is in a few days and I’m worried this will count against me as well. I have a doctor’s appointment this month and plan to ask about possible causes for my suddenly lackluster immune response, but is there anything I can do to stop feeling guilty at work? Should I let my boss know I’m aware of the issue and working on fixing it? If I’m overreacting, is there anything I can do to convince my brain to shut up with the guilt trip?

So in theory, if you’re sick you’re sick and if you’ve got enough sick days to cover it, you should be fine. In reality, though … if it’s frequent, sometimes it does raise questions from a manager (especially because frequent sick days can be more disruptive than a similar amount of vacation time just by the nature of being unplanned). If you’re worried about that, it can help to name that you see the pattern — because that signals that you’re not being cavalier about it (especially because people who are abusing sick time generally don’t raise it as a concern).

That doesn’t mean that you should apologize for being sick or using benefits that are part of your compensation package — you shouldn’t — but it could be helpful to say something like, “I wanted to mention that it’s not the norm for me to be getting sick as much as I have since moving here, and I have an appointment with my doctor to see if there’s anything going on that could be causing it.”

But also, different people use different amounts of sick time. A good boss will care more about whether you’re doing a good job and are conscientious in your approach to work. As long as you are, you should be fine.

5. Hiring manager claimed to have emailed me when she hadn’t

I recently applied for a full-time position. A friend of mine who works for the company, Jon, referred me to the hiring manager, Jane, who is his coworker. A few weeks after I’d applied, Jon reached out asking if I’d heard from Jane — she’d apparently told him she’d emailed me to set up an interview. I checked my inbox very thoroughly, dug through my spam, I had no email from Jane. I told Jon this, and he said not to worry, Jane was very disorganized and had probably forgotten but he’d tell her to email me again.

Another few weeks went by and I got another call from Jon, asking again if I’d heard from Jane. Jane had apparently told him that she’d emailed me a second time. Again, I dug through spam, I had nothing. Jon again said not to worry, repeated that Jane was very busy and had probably mixed me up with someone else, and said he’d check in with her again.

At this point I took matters into my own hands and emailed Jane myself, saying I’d heard from Jon that she’d been trying to contact me but that for some reason I hadn’t been receiving her emails. Jane responded immediately (within 10 seconds) with a generic response to set up an interview (“Thank you for your application to X. Please select an interview time here.” etc). No mention of previous email attempts.

Am I justified in feeling a bit put off by this? While I can’t know for certain that there wasn’t something odd going on with my email, it really seems to me like Jane was claiming to have emailed me for weeks when she hadn’t. What if her colleagues overheard that I’d been ignoring her emails for weeks and that impacted my ability to get jobs with them in the future? It’s really soured me on the job, but I’m wondering if that’s unfair.

I don’t think it’s particularly unfair — although I’m basing that less to Jane’s reply to you and more on what you’ve heard from Jon. If Jane is as disorganized as Jon says and as you seem to be seeing firsthand, it’s fair to assume working with her would be a frustrating experience.

I’m not really concerned about Jane’s colleagues hearing that you’d been ignoring her emails; candidates aren’t obligated to engage in any company’s hiring process and there are a lot of reasons a candidate might be unreachable — and it’s just not the kind of info that tends to stick with people who overhear a mention of it. But I’m definitely concerned about what Jane’s level of disorganization would mean for you as her employee.

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. An acquaintance is lying about his credentials

I recently found out that someone I know lied about his credentials when he applied for his job. He was let go when his boss learned of his deception, but I’ve since learned that he lied to his previous employers as well, and he’s continuing to represent that he has a graduate degree in the philosophy of physics from an Ivy League university on social media and to friends and acquaintances, when he never attended graduate school, has no affiliation with that university, and has no background in either science or philosophy.

He doesn’t hold a role that requires any sort of license, but he last worked in a high-level position in medical research at a military medical center (and in the past at universities and other medical centers), and it worries me that he’ll just end up getting another job in the same field, and he might end up harming someone (if that has not happened already). I know it’s really common for people to lie on their resumes, but this seems like a public health risk. I have relatives and friends who have participated in clinical research studies, and they felt safe doing so; it scares me that these trials could have been overseen by someone who had no relevant scientific or ethical background.

I’m really uncomfortable with the burden of this knowledge, and I’m not in a position to make him stop lying about this. There’s no governing agency or professional organization that oversees this. What should I do?

I see why you’re concerned, but this isn’t something you have a practical way to do anything about. Employers should be verifying employees’ backgrounds, particularly in positions where credentials truly matter. But if they’re neglecting that, there’s no way for you to step in and do it for them.

In theory you could track your contact’s professional moves and contact each new employer to suggest they confirm his qualifications — but lying about having a degree in the philosophy of physics doesn’t really rise to that level of warranting that (as opposed to if he were, say, using his jobs to abuse kids). I think you’ve got to let this go and leave it to the people whose job it is to deal with it.

2. I’m afraid my coworkers will out me to my mother

I am genderqueer and work for an organization with multiple branches in my county. We are allowed (and generally encouraged) to put our personal pronouns in our email signatures, and several of the public-facing employees of our organization (particularly at my branch) wear pronoun pins. All pretty straightforward so far, but here’s where it gets tricky.

I live in the same general area as my parents, who I am not out to because they are very conservative and quite frankly, I don’t want to have that fight (besides, I’m a grown-ass adult and they’re not entitled to that level of information about me). My mother is pretty heavily involved with a support group for one of the other branches of my organization and is close personal friends with several of the staff members there. I’m afraid that if I change the pronouns in my email signature, one of the staff members at the other branch will notice and ask my mother about it, thus inadvertently outing me to my parents.

I don’t trust the other staff members to not say anything if I ask them; in fact, I’m concerned that doing so might cause one of them to feel like she has to tell my mother. I’m already wearing a pronoun pin with the pronouns my parents would expect, so I want to at least be honest about myself in one place and feel like having it wrong in my email address too would be some sort of loss on my part. Is it possible I could just go for it anyway and hope the staff at the other branch won’t notice or care enough?

Ugh, this can probably only be answered by someone who knows the staff at the other branch — but you do, and it sounds like you think there’s a pretty good chance they’ll mention it to your mom.

So unfortunately you’ve got to weigh your comfort with whatever might result from that against your (entirely understandable and normal) desire to use your correct pronouns at work. That sucks, and I’m sorry it’s the case.

Read an update to this letter.

3. How long should I stick around for a “promised” promotion?

I’ve been with my current organization for over a decade. I’m in the same department I was hired into, but I’ve had a few promotions over the years. I’m generally well-liked in the organization, I believe in the work, and the benefits/side perks are good. The workload is manageable, and other than some mild internal dysfunctions, I’m quite happy working there.

In the past year or so, my boss (director level) mentioned that he’s grooming me to take his place when he retires “in a year or two,” which is great! The directors at my organization start at around 30% more than I currently make, and it’d be a great step in my professional career. The problem? My director’s been saying he’s going to retire “in the next year or two” for at least five years. I can picture him working there until he physically can’t anymore.

I don’t want to leave, per se, but I also don’t want to put myself in a position where I’m stagnant for several years, then he retires, then the organization decides they need to hire someone from outside for the position. (I’ve been in the “you’re so great in your current role that we can’t possibly lose you there” position before, and it’s not fun.) I’m qualified enough to apply for director positions now; I’d find the role challenging, sure, but I’m up to the task. What’s the best way forward?

Since you know that you can’t put any real weight on your director’s statements that he’ll retire in a year or two, proceed the way you would if he weren’t saying it at all. Would you still happily stay? Or would you be looking around? If you’d be looking around … you should start looking around.

You could certainly try talking to him about it, explaining that you want to make sure you’re planning realistically for yourself. Who knows, maybe he’ll tell you something about his timeline that sounds credible even seen through the lens of the history so far (that part is key). But absent something like that — something that you find convincing despite knowing that he’s been “preparing to leave” for years — proceed the same way you would if he had announced he plans to stay forever.

4. Can I tell a new employer I’m going to Burning Man?

I am a mid-career engineer in the Bay Area who for various reasons is looking for a new job. I’m getting to the stage where I’m hoping for job offer(s) in the next few weeks, and I have a bit of a conundrum. In the last few years I’ve been going to Burning Man (and volunteering there) for a week and a half at the end of August to early September. This was not a problem at my current job, which is pretty laid back and where I’m a known quantity, but I’m slightly concerned about negotiating that with a new employer. All the jobs I’m looking at have the famous “unlimited” PTO, and not going at all would be a huge deal for me. Probably a deal-breaker.

Further complicating matters is I’ve just received an exciting offer to do a paid version of the volunteer work I usually do. However, this would involve a three-week commitment in the desert instead of a week and a half, which feels like a much bigger deal to negotiate. I’m also concerned because a lot of people think of Burning Man as a place where tech bros go to do drugs in the desert (not *completely* false), and that’s not the kind of first impression I want to make. On the other hand, this is tech in the Bay Area, so it may just be fine. Do you think I can negotiate the three weeks if I offer to take some of it unpaid? Or should I turn that down for this year and just ask for the week and a half on PTO? What do you think is the right approach here?

Treat this like any other pre-planned vacation — you don’t need to specify what you’ll be doing with the time. When you’re negotiating the offer, just say, “I have a pre-planned vacation for (dates). I’d be happy to use unpaid time off for part of that if it would make it more possible.” If they sound reluctant to approve so much time so soon after you start, at that point you could offer to shorten it if you’re willing to — but I’d start off by asking for what you want and see what they say.

Definitely do this before you officially accept the offer though; it’s a lot easier to get things approved as part of the offer negotiations than it will be after you’ve started.

5. A thank-you note for a coworker who’s leaving

I started my new job just before the beginning of the year, and have been working closely with someone who just announced he’s leaving in a couple weeks. He’s mentored me a bit since I started. Would it be weird to write him a thank-you note, along the lines of an end of internship thank-you note? This is my first job since graduating and I’ve always written thank you cards at my internships, when I was the one leaving, but this feels a little different so I’d be grateful for any insights you have!

Not weird at all! It would be a lovely thing to do.