Ask a Manager

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Interviewer asked about my religion, then sent me a defensive email when I complained

I have been a nonprofit executive for many years. After the pandemic, I stepped back for a little while to focus on my family while we grieved some significant losses that occurred in 2020. Recently, I have been wanting to jump back into the nonprofit leadership world, but have opted for jobs with smaller organizations. I was recently a finalist for an executive director position at a very small organization that does wonderful work in the community. I had already been through five interviews and was having my last discussion with the committee. During this discussion, an integral member of the organization asked me to clarify whether I was a certain religion that many people often associate with my ethnicity. I was nervous and after saying, “I don’t think you’re allowed to ask me that,” I answered the question and told them my religion. Their follow-up was to inquire whether I was comfortable working with a certain other religious community that many folks (wrongly) assume would be an issue due to historic trauma between the two.

After the interview, I felt terrible. The questions seemed biased and made me feel othered by them in a way that didn’t sit well. I decided that it would be difficult for me to work for them so withdrew my candidacy. When the recruiter learned of this and what happened, she asked if she could share my reason with the committee. I gave her my permission, hoping that it would result in dialogue and growth for them around DEI.

What I got in return, however, was an email from the person who asked the question apologizing that I was offended but claiming that the question was never asked. There was a lot in there about how I misunderstood what they were saying, they would never ask such a question, and they may not know all the PC terms, but they meant well. I’m at a loss regarding how to respond. The nonprofit community is a small one and I purposely don’t make a lot of waves around identity issues because I know firsthand how it can prevent me from getting work. I do, however, feel like I need to say something.

Forward the response to the recruiter and ask that they share it with the rest of the hiring committee (who presumably will know full well that the question was asked, and should see what this person is sending out). You might point out that you’d given your permission to share your concerns in the hopes it would result in changes in their practices, but this response — which you hadn’t invited — only deepens the concerns you left the interview with. You might need to include something like, “Your dialogue on this needs to be an internal one so I’d like to leave my involvement here, but I hope seeing this will be useful to you.” (You could also send this to the hiring committee yourself, cc’ing the recruiter, if you want to make sure they definitely see it.)

2. People I meet socially hassle me for work-related favors when I’m off-duty

I’ve worked in media for over 30 years. I enjoy my job and most of my colleagues are great. The problem is that an unfortunate number of people I meet socially or through volunteering don’t realize that when I’m off the clock, I don’t want to hear complaints about my organization’s product or be asked to perform work-related duties, especially when the stuff they’re haranguing me about (free publicity, ticket giveaways, ads, etc.) is literally someone else’s job! Even if I politely say, “I can do that, but please reach out via my work address,” “here’s the work email of the person you need to contact,” “management decides what’s appropriate for air, not me,” or even “I will get in a lot of trouble if I do that as it’s against our policies,” some people seem to think they can wear me down if they send enough emails or PMs.

Back in the day, folks could only do this in person as we’ve always had very good work-life balance (no giving out colleagues’ contact info without their consent, for example) but these days, with everyone wanting to connect on social media and using personal emails for volunteer work, I get messages asking me to work for free on weekends, in the evenings, and even on holidays or vacations — and I’m a big pic-poster, so it’s pretty obvious when I’m out of the office. When I politely remind them that we have a website and social media at work, give them my work email, or try to direct them to the person who might be able to solve their issue, most get offended. Some double down and lecture me. I’ve had to block people over this, which is something I hate to do, but yeesh, we all need personal time. Some of my colleagues are frustrated by this sort of behavior as well, and surprise, surprise, men deal with it much less than women. Is there a better way to handle this?

This is super rude! It’s one thing for people to make the request initially (not realizing how many you get in your off hours) but pushing even after you set a clear boundary or redirect them to the right place is beyond obnoxious.

Given that the problem is so widespread, you might be better off not responding to these messages during non-work hours at all, not even to explain that you can’t help.

You also don’t need to respond to all of them even once you’re back at work. People you barely know writing to complain about your organization aren’t entitled to a response, and anyone who’s particularly demanding is asking for any response they do get to be slow-tracked (which might mean you write back a week later saying, “Sorry I didn’t reply in time, I don’t look at work stuff on my personal accounts at all”).

3. I don’t want my staff to use their cell phones at work

How do you handle personal phones in the workplace? Especially food service (coffee shop). It is something I could get written up for by the health department, phones are dirty, and I don’t want to pay them to chat with their boyfriend. But when I enforce it by having a shelf for their phones, there is pushback — “you can’t take away my personal property” and “what if it’s an emergency and I miss a text?”

If it’s a health code violation, then that’s the only reason you need: “It’s against health code regulations and the business can get in trouble.” The rest of the reasons are secondary and will just distract from the main point if you get into them.

But you should make the rule clear when you’re hiring people so no one is blindsided by it after they start — “because of health code regulations, we’re not permitted to have personal phones behind the counter. You’re welcome to keep one in your car or a locker in the break room, but they can’t be in the area where we serve customers” — and then enforce that like you would any other policy.

This isn’t about taking away anyone’s personal property; you’d be explaining a rule based on legal requirements, giving them an option that lets them have a phone accessible to check on breaks if they want to (that’s why something like lockers would be a good idea), and letting people decide if they want the job under those conditions or not.

4. Asking for a raise when we had recent cost-of-living adjustments

For the past two years, I’ve been working as a data analyst attached to a research project at a large government agency. I’m responsible for organizing and archiving all project data, maintaining multiple databases, and managing all of the project’s online presence, which includes multiple websites. The workload is intense — my boss has openly admitted that this is a job for several people, but they only had funding for one — but I’ve successfully kept up with it, and my performance reviews have been stellar.

In the past couple of months, I’ve had to deal with a major crisis that occurred through no fault of mine, and multiple coworkers, including my boss, have complimented me on how well I handled it. Overall, I feel like I’m in a good position to ask for a raise when my next performance review comes up in April. The only reason I’m hesitating is that last summer, the agency gave a cost of living raise to everyone on the staff, including me. Would it look bad to ask for another raise less than a year after I got one? I’ve never asked for a raise before, and am not sure how to proceed without looking entitled or greedy.

Nope. A cost-of-living raise is different than a merit raise. A cost-of-living raise is typically awarded to everyone and is meant to keep your salary on pace with inflation. What you’d be asking for is a merit raise because you’ve earned a higher salary through your work, and you can do that independently of last summer’s cost-of-living adjustment.

Also, let’s get rid of this idea that it’s ever entitled or greedy to ask for a raise when your work merits it. It’s not entitled or greedy to ask to be paid fairly for your work or to expect your compensation to reflect that you’re contributing at a higher level than when your salary was last set.

5. Is it too late for an informational interview once a job is posted?

I am job searching and came upon an internal posting that interests me and seems like a good match for my skills and experience. It’s a newly created role in a different department where I have some contacts at the same level as this role and who report to the same manager this job will. I reached out to one of them to get some additional insight and his perspective on whether I’d be considered a good candidate. He responded positively and suggested setting up an informational interview with the hiring manager (who is his boss) to get additional insight into her expectations. It’s a nice idea in theory, but I worry that it could take weeks to get time on her calendar and by then she’ll have already gotten plenty of other applications and maybe even started interviewing.

I’m inclined to just submit my application with a tailored cover letter … but I’d be forgoing the potential opportunity he has in mind for a “pre-chat” that could in itself help my application stand out. I’m anxious about making the wrong decision and not giving myself the best shot at getting an interview. If it matters, I have been in a few large meetings where I have presented in the past and she has been among the senior leadership attendees, so she would probably at least recognize my name when she sees it, but we’ve never spoken one on one. What do you advise?

Go ahead and apply now. You’re right that otherwise you risk missing the window to be included as she’s selecting people to interview.

However, you could also email to say that Joe Warbleworth suggested you contact her about an informational interview and then say, “Because the position is already open and you’re reviewing applications, I realize it might not make sense to talk outside of that process at this stage, so I’ve submitted my application meanwhile. Either way, I hope to hear from you.”

Because you’re an internal candidate and you’re being sort of referred by one of her direct reports, this wouldn’t be overstepping to do.

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. My male boss is getting impatient with my morning sickness

I have been in good standing in my government analyst position for four years, and all of my performance evals are glowing. I recently became pregnant with my first child. Morning (all-day!) sickness has been very rough, and I’ve left work early once or twice per week for the past couple of months to deal with nausea and vomiting. I have plenty of sick leave built up, and my organization as a whole generally encourages using leave as needed. My male boss has known about my pregnancy since week 7 because I was getting so sick.

I’m now just entering my second trimester, and though I’m getting a tiny bit better, I am still struggling with the morning sickness pretty much every day. Despite all this, I have managed to keep up with all of my deadlines; however, my boss is getting really impatient with me being ill. He keeps making minimizing comments like:

“You’re having a pretty easy pregnancy—I know someone who had to be hospitalized multiple times for how sick she got! This is nothing.”
“You should be feeling fine now. You’re past the first trimester.”
“My wife was never sick with our six kids. She kept working full-time with no problems.”
“People might start thinking you’re slacking off.”

Do you have any advice how to manage this situation? I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried telling him everyone is different and I can’t control how my body reacts, and he keeps vaguely threatening that higher-ups may start questioning the amount of leave I am taking (2-8 hours per week) and if it is justified.

How generous of your boss to share his knowledge about pregnancy with you! Aside from the utter obliviousness it takes to do that, the contradictions are a mess too (pregnancy should always be a breeze to manage because his wife’s were, and also be grateful you’re not being hospitalized multiple times for how sick you are!).

Please talk to your HR and let them know what your boss is saying. They’re likely to be highly displeased that he’s hassling an employee over her pregnancy, as well as pressuring you not to use sick leave. They’ve got potential FMLA and pregnancy discrimination issues here.

2. My coworkers expect me to be devastated I didn’t get a promotion

Earlier this year, I was asked by leadership to apply for a promotion that would have me supervising many of my current coworkers. Another junior coworker, Mark, had applied, and they were hoping to have more than one internal candidate for the position. After several requests, I applied and put forth my best efforts in the interview process, which went exceptionally well.

Mark was hired. I was fine with this because he is someone I have supported throughout his career and feel will do a good job. Unfortunately, the reason given to me was that my coworkers expressed a clear preference for him, despite his more limited experience. I’m now trying to deal with the sting of knowing I was not preferred by colleagues with whom I seemingly have a great working relationship. I’m also frustrated by having so many coworkers come to me in ways that want me to manage their emotions about this process. Some are outraged on my behalf. Others are very upset and want me to console them. A few keep checking in on me to make sure I’m “okay,” with overly sympathetic expressions, as if someone has just died. I even have a couple of folks from the hiring committee approaching me in ways that seem as if they want me to absolve them from guilt over being part of the decision.

I’m fine with not getting the promotion, but I’m beyond frustrated with having to deal with all these coworkers. Frankly, I don’t even want to attend the meeting with my supervisor in which he will tell me the reasons why my coworkers preferred the other candidate because they will be personality issues and not performance issues, based on our compared work histories and the tenor of the email notifying me of his decision, a note that was explicit in stating I would do a great job in the position but that he preferred to lean heavily on the preferences of the employees on the team. Any advice on shutting down conversations with coworkers or avoiding the aftermath of a rejected promotion? I sent a very professional and complimentary note to my colleague who was given the position, and he has been nothing but gracious to me.

When coworkers approach you gingerly or with sympathy: “I’m fine with the outcome, and I’m excited for Mark.” And if they continue to give you sad faces after that: “Oh, stop! Mark’s great.” And then if necessary: “Do me the favor of believing me.”

You definitely need to attend the meeting with your manager for feedback about the decision! It’s possible there’s something legitimate that will be useful to hear … and personality differences aren’t always irrelevant, especially in a management role. For example, if you’re perceived as less approachable, less empathetic, or not as clear of a communicator, those would all be relevant, not just personality differences. On the other hand, if the reasons are BS ones, that would be good to know too.

Read an update to this letter. 

3. Why don’t they trust me for a simple volunteer task?

I’ve run into an issue as a volunteer at a large charity resale shop where I’ve been volunteering for several months. The task I do is simple, think something like measuring picture frames (not picture frames). I tag the frame with the measurement, and then paid staff mark the prices based on the size. Jane and Julie work in this department, and usually it is Julie who tells me which boxes of frames to work on.

Several weeks ago, early in my volunteering, Jane asked me to measure and price some frames on a day Julie was not there. On my next day, Julie told me that only staff mark the prices, and that I measured something wrong. I felt that I was being reprimanded for something that Jane asked me to do. I decided I’d just let this go.

I started volunteering one day, then two. Last week I wanted to volunteer on another day when neither of those staff work, though others are there. They did not want me to measure frames during this time or do other work for them. This week I want to come in again on this other day. They are losing 3-4 hours of time I could contribute to their work and there are always more frames. I will do other work.

I was just going to let this go, but I’m finding that this really bothers me. They are making me feel unqualified to measure frames when they are not present. I’m an accomplished person who is very familiar with frames. Could this be a control thing? Are they worried I’ll take their job? I don’t want their jobs. I’m befuddled, and, I guess, hurt by this lack of trust.

You’re interpreting this as something personal about you (and their assessment of your skills and reliability) but it’s much more likely that it’s something about the organization. For example, while working with volunteers is part of Jane and Julie’s jobs, it’s possible that no one else is charged with it (or trained in how to oversee volunteers, or wouldn’t have the time/expertise/authority to answer the questions that might come up as you work or spot problems that they’d want caught early). That doesn’t mean they don’t think you’re capable of doing the work without close supervision, but it’s normal for questions/issues to come up as a volunteer works and it’s very reasonable for other staff not to have time to field those, while Jane and Julie do. It’s really common for organizations to be structured that way, and to only be equipped to have volunteers on certain days or during certain shifts.

4. Can I give myself credit without looking like an a-hole?

I work a new nonprofit with less than 30 employees. I am in the lowest tier of seniority, but I have been there the longest. My org has encouraged giving kudos as a practice, on calls and in Slack and emails.

I think it’s great that my team is trying to build a culture of gratitude. But I’ve noticed that the kudos is often from one senior or mid-ranking staff member to another, sometimes leaving out the contributions of junior staff such as myself. For instance, a member of the leadership team once gave gushing kudos to multiple people who participated in a recruitment process, and extolled one person in particular — who’s also on the leadership team — for having the idea to split the role into two. Even though I coordinated all the interviews and did the initial review of 100+ applications for that recruitment process, which I’m sure took much longer than my coworker’s lightbulb going off, I was not mentioned at all in the post.

Would I sound like a total asshole for chiming in to give myself credit in such instances? I’m sure that a comment like “I was so happy to contribute to X” would come across as passive-aggressive, but at an organization as small as ours, I think it’s preposterous to leave anybody out when giving kudos, and especially junior staff. I’ve chimed in to give credit to others when I’ve noticed people left out of kudos.

Yeah, I think it’s hard to pull off “I also contributed to X” in that context, but the pattern is something worth raising with your manager. It’s not terribly uncommon for public credit not to mention everyone who was involved in a project — sometimes that’s a long list, or there are differences in the relative value of each person’s contribution — but when you’re noticing a pattern like this, it’s definitely worth speaking up about it. And the fact that it’s always junior staff who are being left out — at the same time that your leadership is trying to encourage credit-giving as a org-wide practice — really sucks. Say something to your manager, or to someone else in a position to impact this!

5. Should I tell an employer I’m still interested in the (still open) job they rejected me for in October?

I applied for, interviewed for, and was ultimately rejected for a job back in October. The job has consistently continued to be relisted every two to four weeks ever since. At the six-month mark, would it be unprofessional to send a message letting them know I’m still open to a position if they’re interested in revisiting my application, or is that a gross overstep?

It’s not unprofessional or an overstep, but it probably won’t make a difference since they already interviewed you. If you had only applied and not been interviewed, I’d be more encouraging — but at this point they’ve taken a pretty close look at your candidacy and decided it’s not the match they’re looking for. There’s nothing wrong with giving it a shot anyway, but I’d expect the chances of it changing anything to be low.

I’m off today. Here are some past letters that I’m making new again, rather than leaving them to wilt in the archives.

1. My boss and her daughter want to move in with me

I’m working for the summer as a seasonal employee in a management position at an arts festival in a rural community. To accommodate the influx of out-of-town employees, the company has a housing department that organizes local apartments that we rent for a small weekly fee for the duration of our contract. Because it’s a not-for-profit and both money and housing are limited, staff can either pay more for a single accommodation or agree to live with other festival staff, who may be requested or are matched by the housing department.

As it’s my first season with this festival and I don’t mind roommates in general, I agreed to be matched, and over the past four months of my contract I’ve had two different roommates, both people with shorter contracts that butted against each other. Having a revolving door on my apartment has been a bit stressful, especially as my position is one with many stresses outside of adjusting to new living partners, but in general it’s been fine and I recognize it as a minor annoyance. But now that my current roommate is moving out my boss just told me that she and her adult daughter may be moving into the apartment with me next week, due to unspecified “life” reasons.

To be fair, it was presented as a bit of an ask, but I don’t feel I’m in a position to say no. I want to preserve a positive relationship with this company for the future, and also it’s very hard to turn away a person who is obviously going through a rough patch. I know a little bit about what’s happening for her right now, and I know part of it is that her daughter is having major health problems, which is certainly indicative that this will not be an easy living situation, along with all the other red flags. When you get right down to it, regardless of any other factors, the fact remains that she’s my boss, the apartment is too small for three adult people, and after four months of hard, stressful work I was really looking forward to spending the last month of my contract relaxing, instead of navigating a complicated and difficult living situation. On the other hand, I only have another four weeks on my contract. Is it really worth stirring the pot over a single month’s inconvenience?

Normally I would take this to someone higher up the chain in the organization, but unfortunately she’s at the top, and I’m directly below her, so there’s no intermediary available.

Ugh, it’s really your call, but I wouldn’t want to do that and you should be able to refuse if you want to — this is your living space, and you’re paying for it. It’s pretty unfair of her to ask you to take on a third person in a two-person unit, knowing that there’s a power dynamic that might pressure you into saying yes.

You could say something like this: “The apartment is really too small for three people. Is there another one available that you could use?” If you’re willing to do this, you could add, “But if there’s a one-person apartment available, I’d be willing to move into it as long as the rate didn’t go up and then you could have this one.” With that option, you’d have the hassle of moving, but you’d get your own place for no price increase.

If that doesn’t solve it, you’ll have to get more direct: “I don’t think I’m up for having three people living here. I’m sorry!”

– 2016

Read an update to this letter here.

2. After I resigned, my coworker sent me advice about quitting gracefully

I gave my three weeks notice at my current job yesterday, and things have already gotten weird! About an hour after I had the conversation with my manager, I received an email from a colleague who is close with my manager, but who I am not close with. He congratulated me on my new position, and then sent three web links to articles on how to “gracefully resign.” All three links have these in the title, it seems like that’s the phrase he googled.

Am I being paranoid, or does this seem as pointed as it feels? I’m not sure where it’s coming from, as I’ve never had any negative feedback about my professionalism, and so far, my resignation has been very by the books. I’d like to ask him whether my manager feels that I haven’t been professional in my resignation, but I’m wondering if it’s just better to let this one go?

The details of my resignation: Yesterday, I emailed my manager in the morning asking when she had time to meet and talk. She’s a busy person, so she asked if I could call, to which I responded that I would rather talk in person. We confirmed a meeting time but not five minutes later, I got a call from her asking for a “hint.” I said that I would just need to have the whole conversation, a hint would be hard, and she said to just tell her. So I did! I told her that it had been a hard decision, that I had enjoyed working here, but that I had accepted another job offer and that my last day would be three weeks out. I also let her know that I still wanted to meet in person, because I was working on a transition plan but wanted to make sure our priorities matched up. It was a short call, but it seemed to go okay at the time. If anything, she seemed disappointed or sad.

For what it’s worth, my manager does have a history of speaking poorly of people behind their backs once they’ve done something to make her unhappy. I’m concerned that she’s not telling people the truth about my resignation, but I’m not sure if that matters.

Your resignation sounds perfectly done — you tried to meet in person but said it over the phone when she pushed you to (which is better than playing games about it) and what you said was everything you should say when resigning. So I don’t know what’s up with your coworker! Sending those links would have been an extremely snotty move even if you had been unprofessional, which you weren’t; you’re not even close with this guy and he has no standing to send you unsolicited advice in this context. It’s bizarre.

So yeah, either he is extremely weird and inappropriate (is he?) and did this on his own, or your manager misrepresented what happened and he’s still weird and inappropriate enough to think this is okay for him to do.

If you feel like pursuing it, you could walk over to him and say, “I’m confused by the email you sent me about resigning. Did you have a concern about the way I gave notice?” (I would do this because I would be irate and would want to force him to explain his thinking, but you might be better off just leaving it alone.)

You could also say to your boss, “Did you or Bob have some concern about the way I resigned? After he heard I’m leaving, he sent me some articles about how to resign gracefully and I can’t figure out why.”

Or you could just let it go, of course. But personally I’d enjoy making it awkward for them.

– 2018

3. My interviewer laughed at me

I went on an interview for a marketing related job and met with three interviewers. As I was responding to the question of why I wanted to work for the company, I noticed one of the women glancing over across the table to her colleague, laughing. We made eye contact and the interviewer who was laughing quickly covered her expression with her hand, to hide her laugh. This is a company whose culture is about being inclusive and investing and valuing people and clearly this message was falling short in these three unprofessional women. Not to mention, the actual job title was being falsely advertised, which in turn was not a marketing job but rather an administration one.

What would have been the appropriate thing for me to do during a situation like this? Do you think it is appropriate for me to contact the director of Human Resources and the president of the company to inform them of their unprofessional hiring team?

No.

That’s horrible, and I can absolutely understand why you were put off by it. But it’s entirely possible that she wasn’t laughing at you at all; she might have been laughing at an email or IM they both just received or who knows what else. Of course, she should have explained that to you and apologized (“I’m so sorry, we just got an odd email; my apologies!”) because any decent interviewer should have understood that it would come across rudely and that it would have been particularly hurtful if there was no explanation. She didn’t, and thus she is rude and an ass.

But it won’t do you any favors to complain to HR or the company president. These employees are known quantities, you’re an unknown quantity, and there’s too much baggage around candidates who go over interviewers’ heads to complain (i.e., they’re often overreacting and lacking in judgment — not a group you want to be lumped in with). To be clear, it’s not that this was acceptable; it’s just that it doesn’t rise to the level of reporting it, given the context.

— 2015

4. What should I call my mom when she starts working in my office?

I’m a senior-level employee in a small-ish community human services organization (and in my 40’s, if it matters at all). My mother was the former director of another organization in our community for many years and recently retired. She’s very well known here and was absolutely brilliant at what she did. After her retirement, my boss offered my mom a part-time position in our office working directly with her on some special projects where her expertise and network of contacts will be really valuable.

She’ll be starting at our office soon and I just realized I’m in a bit of a quandry about what to call her when she’s here. It feels really weird to me to call her “mom” at work — but it feels equally weird to call her by her first name! Given the work she’s done in our community over the years, a lot of people know we’re related even though we have different last names. All of my colleagues know she’s my mom so it isn’t that. And my boss and I have made sure to be thoughtful about when and where our work overlaps, which won’t be much. She won’t report to me, and most of her day-to-day stuff will overlap more with my boss and another department, but given my role in the organization we will interact regularly. And really, our office is just pretty small so we’re going to see and talk to each other when she’s here.

Am I over thinking this? Is there some kind of office etiquette around how to handle this kind of situation? I don’t want things to be unnecessarily weird, but I don’t want to be unprofessional either. What do you think the smartest option is here?

There is indeed office etiquette around this! You should call her by her first name — both when addressing her directly and when referring to her to others. You’re probably going to feel incredibly weird doing it in the beginning, but that weirdness will fade, and it will be nothing compared to the weirdness other people would feel if you called her “mom.” Look at it this way: In the office, you’re relating to her as a colleague, not as your mom — and you want the way you speak to and about her to reflect that.

– 2018

5. My coworker reacts badly when I won’t come in on my days off

I’m a relatively new grad school grad working at my first real job ever. I’m running into an issue with a coworker where we are the same level in title but she feels as if she has seniority over me due to her having been there before me. We work in a professional field where accreditation is legally required and she acquired hers after I did, despite graduating way before I did, and as a result had to actually have me as her “supervisor” for a very short time for professional ethics purposes.

Recently, she’s been slacking a lot and her supervisor had a talk with me about potentially firing her due to her slacking off. But she will just skip off work and then expect me to cover for her. It’s gotten to the point where she texts me on my clearly designated off days to ask me to come back into work to cover for her. She’s gotten so used to me covering her duties that she feels entitled and reacts badly when I tell her that I’ve indicated that this is my off day and I will not be coming back to the office just to do her job. But as a green employee, I’m just always very insecure about doing stuff like this. So how do I draw boundaries with coworkers like this?

“Sorry, I’m off today and can’t come in!” You can drop the “sorry” if you’d like.

You also don’t need to respond at all. It’s your day off. Mute her texts and go about your day.

If you want to, you can tell her, “Hey, just so you know, I’m generally never going to be able to come in on my days off because I always make plans for those days ahead of time.”

This is all 100% okay to do. You shouldn’t feel awkward about this; it’s very, very normal to want to preserve your days off, and it’s especially normal not to want to do major favors for someone who’s rude to you when you say no. Plus, it really sounds like your manager would support you and not her if it ever came to her attention.

– 2019

Read an update to this letter here.