Ask a Manager

I’m on vacation. Here are some past letters that I’m making new again, rather than leaving them to wilt in the archives.

1. I think I offended a client

I give private music lessons, often in people’s homes. About a month ago, I arrived and the youngest child didn’t know where her materials were, and said she hadn’t prepared. Normally I swallow this with a smile, but this time I chastised the child and brought the situation to the attention of her older siblings. This was obviously inappropriate and wrong! I should have brought it up with the parent, and only with the child in a polite, positive, or funny way. A few days later I emailed an apology to the mother (a real apology). I apologized directly to the child the following week (she said “thanks”) and a few weeks later apologized directly to the oldest child. However, the apology email was never acknowledged.

The mother is now giving me what seems to be the silent treatment — she does not show herself during lessons, she does not say hello or goodbye. The father now sits in the youngest child’s lesson (which is actually a win — I need parents in the lessons of young children). Since he never did before and now suddenly does every week, I imagine it was directed by her or decided by him, or both. He is pleasant and does not refer to the incident. The kids seem as happy and willing to play as ever, nothing seems wrong there.

What do I do? I would apologize to her directly if I could. I thought about finding her in the house, but I don’t want to create a scene. Background: I’ve been working with this family for six years, all without problems, in fact, they have been very vocally happy with me in the past. They do have a habit of leaving their children to work out their own practice, which is fine philosophically, but often frustrating practically. I think that’s probably why I snapped that day.

I’d let it go. You’ve apologized to everyone involved, and they might not think it’s as big of a deal as you do. It’s possible the mother has other stuff going on and you’re assuming it’s about you when it’s not. Or who knows, maybe it is about you! But you’ve apologized to her, and if she wants to be chilly for a while, hunting her down for another apology probably isn’t going to change that (and risks seeming very weird if she’s moved on).

It’s true that the father might be sitting in on the lessons to monitor you, but he also might be sitting in because the youngest child not being prepared made them realize she needed more parental involvement.

– 2019

2. Candidate didn’t tell us she’s been at another job for a week

I recently served on an interview committee for an entry-level staff opening in our office. We interviewed Sansa, a candidate we liked very much. Her resume listed that her last job was an internship that ended a few months ago. The next day, we interviewed Arya, another candidate we liked. Arya’s resume listed her current job at Company A and indicated that she had been there for two years.

Later, I was looking at the website of Company A to learn more about it, and found Sansa listed there as a current employee, despite the fact that this job had not appeared anywhere on Sansa’s resume and she never mentioned that she was currently employed.

My boss did some sleuthing and found that the Sansa on Company A’s website was indeed the same Sansa that we interviewed, and she had only worked at Company A for one week at the time of her interview with us. Our hiring committee has varying opinions on this — some now see Sansa as a liar, others want us to approach her with questions about the omission, and some are okay with it, guessing that Sansa felt silly including a job that she’d been at for such a short time on her resume. It might be the case that she started that job and immediately knew it was not a good fit.

How should we best move forward in this situation? Sansa and Arya are both top candidates, but we are concerned about Sansa’s omission on her resume.

This is a completely normal omission and not something you should generally penalize someone for! It wouldn’t have made sense for Sansa to put the job on her resume when she’d only been there a week (and may not have been there at all when she first sent you her resume), and in fact I regularly advise people to leave off jobs that they haven’t been at for long. A resume isn’t a legal document that’s supposed to be a comprehensive account of every job you’ve ever held; the point is to show how you’re a strong candidate for the job you’re applying for, and having held a job for a week is never going to do that. So no lying happened here, unless she told you she was unemployed when you spoke.

The worst thing you can say about her is that she may have taken a job with Company A without intending to commit to them for very long (which is indeed crappy) — but you don’t even know that it’s the case. For all we know, she could have applied with you before she got the job with them, started work there and discovered that she was seriously mismatched with the work, the boss, or the culture, and jumped at the chance to talk with you when your interview invitation came in. Who wouldn’t do the same?

At absolute most, you could say to her, “I happened to be looking at Company A’s website and noticed you’re listed as an employee there. It wasn’t on your resume so I wanted to ask you about it.” But really, it’s unlikely that there’s anything shocking to hear here. This is just not a big deal.

– 2017

3. Asking a new hire to go by her last name

My name is … let’s say Arya. And I recently hired someone who is also named Arya. During the interview process, we discussed the awkwardness and potential risk-management-related issues with us being mixed up due to the nature of our positions and the fact that she is reporting to me.

She agreed it would be very confusing, and said she’d be happy to go by her last name, Stark. I have been introducing her as Stark to everyone, but noticed she has been introducing herself to people as Arya. I don’t want to be a jerk, but she had agreed during the interview process to go by Stark, and I feel pretty embarrassed at how this makes me look to the other folks who report to me, as if I forced her to go by another name, when really it was mutually agreed upon … or so I thought.

We have other folks in our organization who go by their last names and it has never been an issue before, so there is a precedent for this. How do I broach this with her without being a jerk? I can’t imagine what a nightmare it will be to have two Arya’s reporting to each other in our line of work.

Is it really going to be such a nightmare? It’s very, very common for offices to have two people with the same first name working closely together. Usually people solve it by using last initials and referring to Arya S. and Arya W. or something similar to that.

If she doesn’t want to go by her last name (and I realize she said she’d be okay with it, but it sounds like she might not really want to), you shouldn’t force her to do it; it’s not fair for her not to be able to use her name just because you were there first.

I’d talk to her and say something like this: “Hey, I know we’d talked earlier about you going by Stark to avoid confusion. I’ve noticed you’re using Arya — do you prefer that? If so, let’s start using Arya S. and Arya W. so that it’s clear who’s who.” And then if you’re talking to someone who doesn’t know the importance of including the initial, say something like, “When you follow up, make sure to ask for Arya Williams since there are two Arya’s here.”

– 2017

4. My employer requires all employees to back into parking spaces

I work for a mid-sized corporation. A new parking policy has been introduced, which requires all employees to back into parking spaces. I don’t like this because it takes longer to park now and because I am terrified of hitting the cars on either side of me when I am attempting to back in. When I questioned the reason for this policy, I was told it was for employee safety and that it would prevent people from backing out of a parking space and hitting someone who was walking by or another car. I feel the odds of me hitting someone are something are greatest when I am trying to wedge myself and my car in a tight space, while in reverse. What do you think of this policy and do you think it is logical?

I have no idea, without knowing more about the parking situation. But regardless of how reasonable it is, if you make a big deal about it, it’s not likely to reflect well on you — most people will think this is a pretty minor thing, and major pushback on it will seem out of place.

For what it’s worth, I once lived somewhere that required residents to park that way and I was highly annoyed — but I discovered that it was pretty easy after the first week of doing it. (And then I never lost the skill, which has been handy.)

– 2014

I’m on vacation. Here are some past letters that I’m making new again, rather than leaving them to wilt in the archives.

1. Our company asked if we’d donate a kidney to a board member

My previous workplace sent a company-wide email (via the COO) asking if staff would donate a kidney to a 70-year-old board member. The renumeration would be “any costs associated with the surgery and post op care.”

I’m from a different country, and I found this email to be abhorrent! I feel it grossly overstepped boundaries, and reinforced privilege barriers (the majority of the workforce at this company is African American or Hispanic, whilst the board and upper level management are almost exclusively white.) Through research and general knowledge, I found there can be long-term health implications with donating organs, and I don’t feel just offering to pay for a surgery that wasn’t necessary in the first place even scratches the surface in terms of compensation.

My colleagues at the time didn’t think this request was unusual. Am I totally off-base with my disgust?

In the U.S. and many other countries, it’s illegal to offer compensation for an organ beyond covering costs associated with the operation, so that’s why they didn’t offer more than that. (The concern is that paying for organs would exploit poor people and could even be coercive.)

But it was a wildly problematic and inappropriate request anyway. Hopefully no one is going to feel pressured to say yes simply because it comes from above, but there is an inherent pressure when you’ve got those power dynamics in play. Plus, if an employee did donate, what does that mean for their employment there? Will they be given preferential treatment? Will others think they’re being given preferential treatment, regardless of whether they actually are? If the person’s performance worsens, will the employer feel comfortable addressing it the same way they would with someone else? If their job is later cut, will the employee feel betrayed? There’s a ton of potential for messiness here, all of it amplified by power and race differences.

– 2019

2. I told a friend I’d help him, and now he’s bombarding me with urgent messages while I’m working

A coworker of mine recently left my company to head up a nonprofit organization founded by his late father. The organization has very limited resources and is just getting off the ground. I told him I’d be happy to help him out with any marketing-related tasks, so long as it did not interfere with my actual work. Since he left two weeks ago, however, he has been up my proverbial ass with requests and things he “needs” urgently. DURING WORK HOURS. This week, he had the audacity to email my work email address with the word “urgent” in the subject line. Other colleagues have been included on these emails as well, but nobody seems to be perturbed.

Mind you, I told him i would help, but we never had the discussion as to what his marketing needs are and what the time commitment looks like. He just assumed he could start sending me requests.

How should I field this? Should I just not respond to future requests, or should i set the precedence that I am happy to help, but he needs to be respectful of my time and work schedule? I also haven’t received a single please or thank you for anything I have done, and that bothers me too. Do you think it is worth it to say something? He is an adult and I don’t want to scold him, but come on, dude.

It sounds like he may have had a different understanding of what “as long as it doesn’t interfere with my work” meant. He may have thought it meant you’d do stuff for him when you had downtime at work, and not realized you didn’t want to hear from him at work at all. So if you’re still interested in helping him, be really, really explicit with him about what that means. For example: “I can help you with things like X and Y, but I’m not going to be able to do anything during work hours, including fielding questions. You definitely can’t email me at work, and generally I’ll need a few days to get back to you. If things are going to be urgent or need to be moved forward during the work day, that’s not something I can help with. Given that, does it still make sense for me to help out?”

Also, ask directly what kind of time commitment he’s envisioning from you in an average week/month because you might have wildly different expectations there too.

Of course, all that assumes you still want to help him. If you don’t — and it’s absolutely okay if you don’t, particularly given his apparent lack of appreciation of your work and your time — you can say, “I’ve realized this is more of a time commitment than I can take on right now so I should bow out.”

– 2019

3. People are upset that my candy dish is gone

For a couple years, I kept a candy dish on my desk filled with chocolate candies. It was something I enjoyed providing. Sometimes I got frustrated with the greedy ones and the fact that only one person ever contributed candy/money, but it was still something I enjoyed doing.

About a month ago, I saw a financial advisor who told me I needed to cut expenses drastically. I realized I was spending almost $1,000 on candy a year! Yes, that $20-$25 a week really adds up when you multiply it out. So I decided to stop providing candy.

The first week was easy, because I was out of the office. I figured that would give people time to get used to it. We are now into the second week since I have been back, and people are still going by and making comments! “No candy?” “When is the chocolate coming back?” Some want me to explain why it’s gone. One person suggested I could keep buying it but then ask the company to reimburse me! All the people making comments and demanding explanations are the higher-ups in the office. These people probably make four and five times what I make. And to top it all off, there is a drug store with candy for sale right in the building!

I have tried just saying “I’m passing the torch!” Or, as Miss Manners advises in such occasions, giving a tight lipped, weak smile. Still the comments and questions persist! Why do people think they are so entitled to spend my money? And how do I get the comments to stop?

People are thoughtless. Some of them probably don’t realize you were paying for the candy with your own money (versus the company providing it) and some just haven’t stopped to think about how the cost would add up. That’s not entirely surprising — I would have guessed you were spending maybe $5/week on it and never would have guessed it was $20-25. People know they’re taking it but don’t account for how many others take it too, which makes it easier to think it’s a much smaller expense. Which isn’t to say they’d be entitled to it then either, of course! It could be pennies and you’d still be on solid ground in deciding you didn’t want to provide it anymore.

But people complain when they’re used to something delicious being available and then it goes away. That doesn’t mean they’re truly demanding you bring it back — it’s just people being people and not realizing how pushy they sound. Just say, “I was spending too much on it” or “I didn’t want to keep buying it” or “my candy days have come to an end” and don’t let it get to you. If anyone pushes beyond that, you can say, “They sell it downstairs if you want to take over.”

– 2019

4. What do I wear to spend the night with 49 random colleagues?

My organization is sending the entire staff (split into 50-person groups) on overnight team-building retreats. This is not so much a trust exercises and team racing kind of team building as it is we all sit in a room for hours and discuss our mindsets and behaviors (i.e., low physical activity and probably inside).

What is the expected dress code for a work event outside of work, where you will be spending every moment both waking and sleeping with a random selection of colleagues? My workplace has no formal dress code, and outfits vary vastly depending on what department you are in. I have seen colleagues run the gamut from button-ups and ties, to cargo shorts and sandals, to off-the-shoulder flowery tops. I usually wear ankle length pants and bodysuits with a jumper over the top. I don’t wear my work clothes outside of work, as they are way too hot for me.

This retreat is going to be in a very hot place in summer. I assume after the “workday” is done, we will have free time before bed. I am hoping that I would be expected to dress work-like for the work part and could maybe change into a dress or something after, but perhaps I am wrong and I am expected to be work-appropriately covered at all times. Furthermore, the nature of this retreat is that everyone sleeps on mats scattered around a single large room (this is completely normal in my country, although something you would usually do with family and friends). What on earth constitutes work-appropriate sleepwear? I assume my loose tanks with the peek-a-boob baggy arm holes will not cut it.

My colleagues have not been much help when I’ve asked around; most have given me a verbal shrug, and my manager looked a little nervous and said she wasn’t really sure, but that she’d heard that the Big Boss brought a brand new silk pajama set for the executive team version of this retreat earlier in the year. I am getting increasingly worried as the days get hotter and the experience of sharing a hot afternoon and sleeping room with 49 colleagues gets nearer.

First, for the record, this sounds horrible.

I doubt you’re expected to be in business wear even in your free time after work activities are over. I’d say that regardless of your company’s normal dress code, but it’s especially true given that normal work wear for many people attending is already pretty casual. You’ll likely be fine in shorts (as long as they’re not super short), capris, dresses, or even sweats or lounge wear when you’re not in the work portion of the event. (Reasonably nice sweats, not ones with holes or rampant stains.)

As for sleeping … wearing pajamas around coworkers seems awfully seventh-grade-slumber-party-ish to me! (And frankly, loads of people don’t even own pajamas anymore.) I’d go with a t-shirt and sleeping shorts (or lightweight lounge pants if you want more coverage) or something along those lines.

– 2019

Read an update to this letter here.