Ask a Manager

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Our all-hands meetings have a “condolence corner”

We have a new director who has started doing monthly all-hands meetings. The meetings are fine (general updates) but for the past three months our director has started a “Condolence Corner” where he takes a few minutes to call out team members who have experienced personal losses (a parent, a spouse, one woman who had a late term miscarriage) and publicly offered the team’s condolences and invited people to speak about their loss. I’m not convinced that these people were asked before their losses were shared in this format based on their expressions the first time it happened, and I personally would be horrified if my loss was shared with 60+ people, most of them strangers, in this kind of way. I’m am very junior, but is this something I can ask my boss to push back on?

If he’s sharing people’s losses without their permission, that is horrible — invasive and inappropriate and violating. And inviting people to speak about their loss at a team meeting?! Most people are not going to want to do that. For that matter, many people in the audience, who might be struggling with their own losses or impending losses, are not going to want to hear that when they’re trying to stay in a work-focused head space.

Yes, you can talk to your own boss about it. You can be pretty direct: “Do you know if Bob gets people’s permission to share their personal losses at our monthly meetings? I would be really upset if my loss were shared that way without my permission ahead of time, and I want to make sure that doesn’t happen to me or anyone else who would feel the same.”

2. Can I speak up about the portrait of a child abuser in my office?

I work for a nonprofit that is run under the purview of the Roman Catholic Church, and my office is in the same building as the diocese for our area. My office frequently collaborates with the church and they have a strong relationship with each other.

A few years before I started this job, credible child sexual abuse allegations surfaced regarding a prominent bishop of my diocese. Some cases have settled, many are pending. Not only that, but this bishop has since come out and admitted in plain language to covering up child sexual abuse allegations against fellow priests in order to protect the reputation of the diocese.

There is a large portrait of this bishop hanging in the hallway leading to my office, and I want to ask the diocese to remove it. This hallway is used all day long as it’s the only way in or out of my part of the building, and the portrait is in plain view to anyone coming or going. I’m also willing to put up a stink about it if they drag their feet or otherwise refuse.

Is this something worth pursuing or is it just throwing a tea spoon of water at a forest fire? Would my organization would legally be allowed to fire me over it? I have good reason to believe that they would catch wind of this and could give me a hard time about it, if they don’t try to push me out entirely.

I know this is a pretty small thing in the grand scheme of tackling abuse perpetuated by the Catholic Church, but it seems like such a slap in the face to his victims to continue to keep his portrait up.

Yes, legally they could fire you over it. It would be messed up to do that, but they could. That doesn’t mean they would — but you’re better positioned than I am to know what their response likely would be. It’s also true that if they’re run under the church’s purview and dependent on them for funding, they may be very hesitant to rock the boat, especially over something they may see as purely symbolic, as opposed to something directly harming kids. (To be clear, it obviously does harm kids to venerate an abuser this way, but they might not see a portrait as something that requires urgent action or something they’d be willing to cause tension with a funder over.)

All that said, I doubt your employer would come down hard on you over a single request … but based on what you know of the diocese, are they likely to remove the portrait based on one request from you or would you have to wage more of a campaign? If the latter, that does move you more deeply into territory where your employer might object.

Are there other options? For example, could you nudge friends and family in the community to complain, so it’s not coming from you? Or someone else working in the building who you know feels the same as you but doesn’t work for your organization? Could the painting … disappear in the night? (I’m not officially advising that, just noting that sometimes mysterious things happen to portraits honoring people who abuse children.)

3. My employee is lying about his title, with our boss’s approval

First time manager here. One of my employees, Joe, has been very transparent in his search for a new position. There just isn’t room for growth here and he’s a hard-working, dedicated staff member. I have been diligent in supporting him because I recognize the limitations here for him, and also appreciate everyone who helped me grow “up” as I was coming up in my career. A trapped employee is rarely a productive employee, in my eyes.

Joe updated his LinkedIn profile as he commenced his search (not unexpected), but then one day I saw that he had updated his title to (anonymizing here) “Deputy Lead Llama Herder” when his position is definitely more “Llama Herder Administrator/Scheduler.” I asked him about it, and he said Big Boss told him it was okay to use that title in his job search. (I supervise Joe, but he works closely with our Big Boss.) This makes me uncomfortable, but it’s not the hill I’m going to die on. He got close on a position (I was one of his references) but somehow word reached them that he was using a deceptive title and he was disqualified.

What’s the kindest way I can communicate that he should use his real (not particularly impressive) title, especially in the face of our Big Boss supporting him in using a deceptive title?

It sounds like he might have already learned the lesson since he lost a job opportunity over it! But if the fake title is still on his LinkedIn, then yes, it would be a kindness to say something. Be direct: “I know Jane told you it was fine to use that title, but as you just saw with that job that disqualified you for it, it can really harm you. Employers won’t hire you if they find out you’re misrepresenting your job and there are a lot of ways they could find out, including if they do an employment verification with our HR team, which will give them your real title.”

Also — if you’re a reference for him and you’re asked what his title is (which isn’t an uncommon reference question), are you planning to lie for him? Assuming not, that’s another thing to mention. I realize this is somewhat awkward because your own boss okayed him doing this, but you’re entitled to say, for example, that you won’t call out the fiction proactively but you won’t lie about his title if you’re asked.

Read an update to this letter.

4. Interviewing after chemo

I recently finished up a course of chemo treatments. I’m doing well now, but my family is planning a move out of state, so I’ll be interviewing soon (teaching). How can I professionally dress my head without getting into the details about my health?

My head is neither cleanly bald nor a tasteful pixie — think more along the lines of the doll/spider hybrid from the first Toy Story movie — so I’ll need to cover it. Is a scarf head wrap suitably professional for an interview?

I also don’t want to raise speculation as to why I’m wearing a wrap, though that’s probably unavoidable. The wrapping technique I use is commonly taught as a chemo wrap, so it will probably be recognized; it doesn’t look like a religious head covering. My treatments have reached their end and I won’t need any special accommodation or leave time, so I shouldn’t have to explain my diagnosis.

I don’t want to invite doubts about not being healthy enough to do my job consistently. Do I just make a vague comment about a health issue that is now resolved and move on?

A head scarf is completely fine! And you don’t need to address it either — no need to make a comment about a now-resolved health issue (plus there are reasons other than cancer that people might wrap their heads). But if you’d rather it read less like a chemo wrap, you could look online for other ways to wrap the scarf and see if you like any of them … and if you want to stick with what you’re doing, that’s fine too.

Since you’re asking for options, there of course are also wigs if you’re more comfortable in them, but I’m guessing you’re well aware of that and they’re not your preference. If you prefer the head scarf, wear it without any self-consciousness.

5. How can I ask my resigning boss to take me with her?

After several years of bosses who were terrible in various ways, I have finally hit the manager lottery. I love my boss. We’ve been working together for about 10 months and have developed a strong rapport and our work styles complement nicely. She trusts me to work independently, including in sensitive client situations, supports my ideas and growth, and has given me consistently positive feedback.

She is destined for greater things than her current position, and I have reason to suspect she may be actively looking for her next opportunity. If my boss were to leave, I would gladly follow her to a different organization and continue working for her rather than stay at the whim of whatever happens next here in her absence (things are not the most functional in general).

If that conversation occurs where she tells me she is leaving, what is a professional and appropriate way to basically say, “Please take me with you?”

“I have loved working for you, and if you have openings on your team there, either now or down the road, I would be very interested in talking with you about them.”

Or once you know more about where she’s going: “Do you have more openings on your team? I have loved working for you and would be very interested in joining you there if that’s a possibility.”

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. My coworker plagiarized my paper

I’m curious about an issue that happened to me a number of years ago and how you would have advised me back then. I had a coworker who I knew on an acquaintance level. We were friendly and would occasionally interact when our work overlapped and attended monthly team meetings together. We had different managers, but the same grandboss.

I was working on my master’s degree via distance learning and so was she. At one point she was taking a class I had just finished. I shared with her my papers from that course, along with the professor’s feedback. One paper in particular I had done poorly on, but the feedback on that paper was invaluable and helped me moving forward. I shared it with her as I felt it could help her too.

A few months later, I was on maternity leave, and got a call from the university. They told me that this coworker had submitted my (poorly written!) paper as her own. They did a Track Changes report on it, and she had swapped out the cover page info and that was it. I was not in trouble as I am allowed to share my work as I wish, but they wanted to know if she had been given it or stolen it in some way. Because I was busy with my new baby, I let it go.

However, I had no clue how to handle this at work when I returned. She plagiarized me, blatantly. But it was not really a work issue, and I assume the school handled it but I don’t know how. I never brought it up with her, but heard from others that she had taken a leave from school and work around that time due to health issues. I just sat on it, and she was eventually promoted on a temporary basis. She didn’t do well and was not offered the job when it went permanent. She then left the organization. She also never finished her degree, as far as I am aware. Should I have spoken up? If so, how would I have addressed it? It felt sort of gossipy to bring it up, but would it have been really?

You certainly would have had standing to address it with her. The easiest way would have been to just be straightforward: “The school contacted me to say you’d turned in my paper as your own. What happened?” (Obviously you know what happened — she decided it would be easier to plagiarize your work. But asking that question is a way to make it clear you you know and aren’t giving her a pass.) (Also, why that paper of all papers, when it got a bad grade? So many bad choices here.)

But I think you’re asking whether you should have brought the incident to anyone else’s attention. You didn’t need to, but you could have. Caveat: if you were a manager, you would have had more of an obligation to raise it as something your employer might want to be aware of when considering her for promotions, etc. (because it’s a pretty serious ethical violation that’s sort of work-adjacent, even though it didn’t happen at work).

2. Should I tell my boss we can all see he’s offline?

I’ve had my boss for three years and he’s really struggled as he didn’t have previous management experience or experience in what our specific team does. We do get along personally, but it’s been hard for me professionally as I continue to handle most of the day-to-day and I’m afraid eveyone is finally starting to notice he doesn’t contribute much.

The main issue is a classic lack of availability. Someone on another team let me know a while back that my boss wasn’t available on Teams until after 10:30 a.m. most mornings.

I’ve seen this as well, like his boss will message our team with a request and my boss won’t see it for several hours in the morning when he should be available. I really want to avoid our team looking bad because of this. I know boss really struggles with technology (he’s early 40s, only a few years older than me) and doesn’t have email on his phone, etc., so I don’t think he knows everyone can see he’s still sleeping. Is there any possible way to point this out without it getting more awkward?

It’s not a problem you have to solve; it’s on your boss, not you.

But if you really want to say something, you could approach it as if you assume he’s working then but for some reason his Teams setting isn’t showing it: “I’m not sure if you realized this, but your Teams setting has been showing you as unavailable until about 10:30 most mornings. It might be worth looking at your settings if you don’t mean for it to.”

3. Diplomatically criticizing AI in an interview

I’m at the second stage of interviews for a job I’m really excited about, and it’s in large part thanks to your advice on cover letters! Since it’s a copywriting position, I’ve been tasked with a few small writing assignments to demonstrate my skills.

I’m writing to you because one of the tasks is to edit content generated by AI into a cohesive text. Following my initial interview, I’m aware this will be something the company wants the hired person to experiment with to potentially speed up the work process. I was cautiously excited about that goal; I don’t have a lot of experience with AI, but I’m a curious person and quick to pick up new tech skills.

The problem is, the text I’m editing for this exercise is really bad. At first glance, the text seems fairly intelligible, but a closer look reveals it’s just word salad camouflaged by mostly correct grammar and varied syntax. I’m talking blatantly false claims, incorrect explanations of concepts, wordy, repetitive ideas, and a tone that doesn’t match the company’s brand at all.

If I make it to the next round of interviews, I’m pretty sure I will be asked about my experience editing this AI content. I don’t want to lie and say it was great and I loved using it, but I also don’t want to knock myself out of the running for the position by being too honest, especially since it’s only a slice of what the job would be.

How can I diplomatically say that it took me more time to edit the AI nonsense than it would have for me to just write the requested copy from scratch? I’m open to try again and experiment more with AI-generated content (I recognize that this tech is advancing very quickly), but I obviously have reservations about how effective using this tech will really be.

If you just want a diplomatic answer: “I’m really interested in how refining the prompts might change the quality of the output. The AI text in this exercise required a lot of editing — so much that it would have been faster to write it from scratch — so I’m interested in experimenting with ways to try to improve its output.”

But you also want to make sure that you don’t end up in a job where you’re uncomfortable with their use of AI, or their work processes in general … and this is an opportunity to explore their philosophy on AI, how realistic they seem about its current limitations, and how receptive they are to well-explained pushback. So a different option would be to say something like, “The AI text in this exercise required a lot of editing — so much that it would have been faster to write it from scratch — so I’m interested in what your experience with it has been. Have you found you can get better output by refining the prompts you put in?” … and “How are you figuring out where AI will improve your efficiency and where the technology isn’t aligned enough with your needs yet?”

Read an update to this letter. 

4. Company posted a better job after I interviewed for something else

One week ago I had an interview for a job at a very small, very specialized state agency. The job is a slight stretch beyond my core expertise, but I’m confident I could pick up the new skills quickly, I have always wanted to work for one of the very small number of these agencies, and it was the first job they had posted since I moved to this city almost a year ago. However, today they posted a second opening that is more suited to my expertise and more aligned with the activities I’d ideally like to do, as well as being permanent, while the first job is funded for only a few years.

There’s a decent chance that I’ll hear back about the first job before the closing date for the second, three weeks from now. If I would ideally like to have the best chance at the second job, but would prefer a shot at the first over neither, what are your recommendations? Important notes: both have the same hiring manager and the job market here is quite small. I have many more years total experience than either job asks for, but in the way of government jobs I think, the description calls for experience in very specific tasks. I’d say I meet the qualifications for both jobs, the second more than the first.

Go ahead and apply for the second job (it’s government, so you can’t skip that step) and then email the hiring manager and say something like, “I wanted to let you know I also applied for the X position. I’m very interested the Y position as well, but the X job is a particularly strong match with my background. I’d be glad to be considered for either or both.”

5. Two weeks notice when you don’t work five days a week

How does the standard two-week notice period apply for cases where an employee works four days a week (or fewer)? In a post from 2009, you write “two weeks notice means 10 business days.” For the four-day-workweek individual, are these 10 days spaced out over three weeks? Or would it be fair to assume it’s business days regardless of if the employee normally works that day or not?

If it helps, let’s assume the company is the kind that allows people to serve out their notice periods to the full extent. What is reasonable for the employee to offer?

It typically means two calendar weeks from when you give your notice, even if you work four days a week.

A reader writes:

I’ve been at my current company for 10 years. In 2021, I had my first baby. Every department I’ve worked in has been very supportive and flexible — not just of me, but of anyone who needs to adjust their schedule for caregiving duties, doctors’ appointments, and even social events. We’re hybrid so we’ve been expected to go into the office once a month up until now; last month the acting CEO announced he wants us in the office four days a week (for literally no reason other than he doesn’t understand remote work, but that’s another situation entirely).

Anyway, I’m on a new team now with a leader who’s not supportive of mothers. I say this because when she and I were talking about going back, I said I had needed to adjust my childcare schedule, which turned into a conversation about who watches my child while I’m working. I told her my husband watches him because we work opposite schedules. She said that was unacceptable because she didn’t feel like I could fully commit to being an employee while also being a mother; she said even though my husband is watching my child, I was still a mom and would not be able to focus on work and that dads were different, they can work and not focus on their children. I was stunned. I was caught off guard so I just mumbled something about being on the waitlist for the on-property daycare and kind of changed the subject. She then went on some weird rant about how she hates when moms take their kids to the grocery store and how they should be placed in daycare for that as well — I guess she doesn’t realize daycare isn’t cheap and she doesn’t pay me enough to drop my kid off anytime I need to go out in public.

There is a dad on the team who frequently shows his daughter off during Zoom meetings, so I don’t think this is a conversation they’ve had.

Am I right to feel incredibly offended and targeted? I’m the only mother on the team so it feels like my opportunities under this manager are always going to be limited from now on because she has this strange idea of working mothers in her head.

I would go to employee relations but she has been with the company for years so I’m not sure if they’d even help; this conversation also happened over Zoom so there’s no record of it.

You can’t fully commit to being an employee while also being a mother?! What does that even mean? No mothers should have jobs?

Maybe what she means is that if your child is in your house while you’re working, she doesn’t believe you’ll be able to keep your full attention on your job … but then that would mean a full-time nanny would be an unacceptable child care solution too, and I doubt she’d argue that. It sounds like this is about the fact that it’s your husband who’s providing child care while you work — she doesn’t believe a man can really have full charge of a child while a woman is present.

This is gross.

It’s also illegal, if she lets it affect the way she treats you, which you have to assume it does. She’s not legally permitted to treat working mothers different than working fathers, and she’s opening your company to some serious legal liability by making comments like that.

I do think you need to escalate it. Your company sounds like it’s generally very supportive of working parents; this manager is likely an aberration, and one your company would want to know about so they can step in and address it. You said you’re worried about escalating it because she’s been there for years, but your company isn’t going to want any employee, regardless of tenure, creating legal liability for them. In fact, you’ll be doing them a favor by reporting it now rather than waiting, since waiting would risk her doing stuff that gets them in deeper trouble. And you don’t need to worry that you don’t have a record of the conversation; that’s usually the case with stuff like this (and discrimination and harassment in general) and it’s highly reportable anyway.

Let your company know what your boss said, and use this language: “It sounds like I’m being treated differently than men on the team because Jane doesn’t believe mothers can fully commit to their jobs, which would be gender-based discrimination.”

Don’t let this go; it’s a big deal.

Read an update to this letter. 

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Can I ask coworkers to stop introducing me as my dad’s kid?

To put it bluntly, I’m a nepotism baby. I work as a paralegal at a fairly small criminal defense law firm (four attorneys, one of whom is my dad, an office manager/paralegal, and me). I got my start working as a legal assistant for my dad, then one of the other attorneys saw my work and liked it and hired me to work part-time as his assistant. When the receptionist/legal assistant quit, I started working full-time for the firm in general. I’m good at what I do, but I also recognize that I wouldn’t have the job or the knowledge without my dad.

Because the firm is so small, everyone is aware that my dad is my dad, but everyone is also fairly good at keeping our work and home lives separate. My dad is also fairly well known among criminal defense attorneys in my state.

My problem is this: when I’m at court with one of the other attorneys and they start talking to another criminal defense attorney, I’m often introduced as my dad’s kid. I understand where the attorneys are coming from, as connections are fairly important and my dad is pretty well liked. I understand that my job is something I wouldn’t have gotten without my dad, but I’d also like to be recognized for my own accomplishments. Is there a way I could politely request that I be introduced differently, or is this something that I should just accept as part of the package?

You could say something like, “Would you mind introducing me as X, rather than as Jim’s kid? I want to make sure people know me professionally first and foremost.”

Most people will get that. That said, that there will probably always be a little of this, just because people like your dad and are probably delighted to introduce his offspring (and aren’t thinking about how it might undermine you professionally). There’s a risk that if you try to stamp it out entirely or in an overly heavy-handed way, it could come across as if you’re trying to hide the connection (which could then make you look insecure about it, and that itself could undermine you) … but a simple one-time request is reasonable and shouldn’t come across that way.

Read an update to this letter. 

2. New coworker is obsessed with my LinkedIn profile

A few months ago, a candidate my division wanted to hire would check my LinkedIn profile every week. I’d get a profile view ding every week leading up to her interview and right before she signed the offer letter. This behavior is totally expected. That’s the point of LinkedIn.

We eventually hired this person. And the month before she started, after she signed the offer letter, she’d check my profile every week — again. Sometimes twice a week. So now, we’re talking 2-3 months of this woman pinging my profile weekly. That struck me as odd so I blocked her. Once or twice after you’ve signed the offer letter, cool. But repeatedly afterwards struck me as odd.

On her first week, she asked for a 1:1. The first question asked after the usual “how are yous?” was an aggressive, “I can no longer see your background. I don’t know anything about you. But you know everything about me — you saw my resume when our boss hired me. So it’s only fair I know your background.” Her tone changed. Her face changed. I was EXTREMELY uncomfortable. It’s just LinkedIn, I don’t get it. And she does know my background. She checked it 8+ times this quarter. So, I quickly interjected that she could ask me about my background rather than viewing my resume. I then gave her my elevator pitch. She seemed fine with the response.

However, the next week I noticed my boss and other teammates were all of a sudden checking my profile. Odd, because I’ve worked with them for about a year already and I’m not active on the platform. I just use it to apply for roles. So I’m not really posting anything mind-blowing.

Do I need to prove to new coworkers that I belong at my current job by showing my background? Is it customary for new hires to interview existing teammates after they’ve accepted and started work?

I feel as though she wanted to know how I got my job. I totally understand looking up people’s backgrounds to understand their expertise. But her antics before she started made me uncomfortable. Now that she’s hired, I just don’t get it. This new woman does not report to me. We’re now coworkers. Forget about our backgrounds and let’s just work together.

No, this is incredibly weird. It’s not odd to check out the professional backgrounds of your new coworkers (meaning a simple LinkedIn search, not in-depth digging), but it’s a little weird to visit their profiles over and over, and it’s beyond weird to confront them about why they blocked you after they got uncomfortable with your obsessive checking. And if your boss and other teammates suddenly looking at your profile indicates that your new coworker was complaining to them about the situation (which I suspect it does), her complaining is weird too.

In other words, this is all about your new coworker being a bit bananapants, and not about any kind of new hire custom you weren’t aware of.

3. Did I mess up by not sending a thank-you note for my office’s wedding gift?

I got married a few years ago. I’d started a new job in a small office of less than 20 people prior to my wedding, and I only invited one coworker who, due to a carpooling arrangement, I was the closest with. This was okay, I think, since I think everyone knew we’d become fast friends outside of work. The office pitched in to get me a wedding gift that I assume was about $100 and presented it to me in a meeting (part of me hopes there was a budgetary item for this, due to feeling guilty that people I barely knew spent money on me). I thanked them profusely and was very grateful. However, the more I think about it, the more I wonder if I committed some kind of professional snafu by not preparing some sort of thank-you card. What was the etiquette for this?

The traditional etiquette is that if you thank someone in person (like when the gift is presented, or when you next see them soon after), you don’t need to also send a thank-you card. Etiquette requires that you thank them, but not that you do it in writing.

That said, thank-you cards are always a nice gesture, even when you’ve already met the etiquette obligations another way. (And of course, not everyone knows the traditional etiquette and some people may expect a written note anyway.) You didn’t commit a faux pas, but when in doubt, a written thank-you will rarely go wrong.

4. Paying based on where employees live

Is it legal to pay remote emoloyees who work the same job differently based entirely upon the state they live in? For example, paying an employee $10,000-15,000 more because the state requires a minimum wage for that type of job, but not paying the same to an employee in a state with no wage protections. These employees would have the exact same roles/title. Does that run into any equal pay laws?

It’s legal, and it’s pretty common! Sometime the different pay is due to state laws, like you cited, but it’s even more common for it to be based on the different costs of living by area and/or and different market rates for the work in different locations.

5. How can my boss help me find a new job?

In short, the job I was hired for no longer exists (nobody’s fault, no resentment), but I am still useful because we are running pretty lean. However, today it became clear from yet another “how can we make this work?” conversation with my manager of seven months that I need to leave for my own fulfillment/growth. I’m thus in the generally-avoided situation of my manager knowing that I am looking for a new job. She is a great person and 90% of the reason I haven’t left yet, and has offered her help in finding a new job. How can I make the most of this generous offer?

Does she have contacts at other companies who she can refer you to? Other leads she can send your way? If nothing else, she can hopefully be a glowing reference when that’s needed, but if she can connect you with people who are hiring, that’s even better.