Ask a Manager

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. To help women, we assign them extra work and penalize them if they don’t do it

I work for a large organization that tries to be proactive about diversity and inclusion. One if their iniatives seems wrong to me. To provide women with better resume building and networking opportunities, the company has a list of projects that they nominate women to complete. The nomination is more you being told by your manager that you have to do this. The extra work is in addition to your day job and if you fall behind because of it, you will likely be penalized. The company tries to make the work high-visibility by showcasing it at the annual town hall. However, I wonder … why do women have to do this extra work when their male counterparts do not? How does this seem fair?

Wow, no, that is not how this is supposed to work. And legally, it can’t work like that.

It is fine to design a program to try to redress systemic disadvantages by making networking and resume-building opportunities available to women in your company who want them. It is not okay — and crucially, it is not legal — to assign women extra work because they are women. And then to claim that it’s to help them! Agggh. (It’s also not legal to assign work by gender, period.)

The women employees in your organization should be up in arms about this.

2. Did I mess up how I called out when I was in the ER?

A few years ago, I worked in a large division of a large company. Although all my job functions had previously been supervised by one person — Maarva, with whom I got along well — a reshuffle meant that I took on a second supervisor, Kino, for one facet of my job.

About three weeks after Kino’s arrival, I woke up in the middle of the night with horrible abdominal pain. At 6 am, I went to the emergency room and was admitted for what turned out to be a terrible gallbladder attack. Around 8 am (an hour before we were expected to be at work), I called Maarva’s voicemail, told her what was going on, and asked her to please inform Kino that I would be out that day. I did not call Kino as well because (a) I was nervous about my cell phone battery running down, (b) I felt horrible and could barely focus, and (c) I figured that Maarva passing along this information would constitute adequate notice. For what it’s worth, I had no particularly pressing deadlines or projects for that day, for either Maarva or Kino.

Once my attack had subsided and future surgery was tentatively scheduled, I was sent home that night and returned to work — tired but functional — the following day and discovered that Kino was furious with me. He told me that I was never to call out without informing him again and he had written me up over it. Later in the day, the managers had a meeting, and Kino griped about my “lack of respect.” Only then did Maarva realize she’d forgotten to mention my call to Kino, who hadn’t even known I was in the hospital — he just thought I took an average day off and failed to inform him. To Kino’s credit, he apologized to me and attempted to take back the write-up, but our horrible division head refused, because the incident “taught me a lesson” (about gallstones? who knows?).

This incident left a really bad taste in my mouth. I still feel that Kino could have at least spoken to me about the incident and gotten his facts straight before writing me up. The division head’s behavior was about what I would expect from him, but it still seems to me that if a write-up turns out to be based on a faulty premise, it ought to be rescinded. But maybe I’m giving myself too much of a break here? Yeah, I was in agonizing pain in an ER, but Kino didn’t know that. If Kino had written in to you, what course of action would you have suggested for him on the day I was gone? The day after? How much did I mess up?

(Maarva apologized profusely to both Kino and to me, sent flowers while I was in the hospital for my surgery, and served as my reference for my next job. She was a great supervisor aside from her occasional absent-mindedness!)

Of course it left a bad taste in your mouth! You were in the ER dealing with excruciating pain, called in as required, and assumed Maarva would handle it from there — and then got attacked by Kino the moment you returned to work. Even if you had neglected to call in, Kino’s reaction was way over the top! When he couldn’t find you the day you were out, why didn’t he ask Maarva — your primary manager — if she’d heard from you? Or start by asking you what happened once you returned, rather than assuming and launching into a furious tirade and write-up? If it turned out you had in fact just blown off work for no reason and without alerting anyone, he could have dealt with that — but you don’t start by jumping to the worst conclusions about someone and raging at them … and as a manager he should be aware that sometimes when someone is out unexpectedly, it’s because something really bad happened, the sort of thing that would make his reaction incredibly misplaced.

You didn’t mess up at all. You alerted your office you’d be out and asked them to notify others who needed to know. You were fine. Kino sucked.

3. Am I supposed to address all MDs as “Doctor so-and-so”?

I work for an organization where I frequently interact with medical doctors in a professional capacity, for specific projects made up of medical doctors and others. Many of my non-MD colleagues exclusively address these individuals as “Dr. so-and-so” forever and always. For me, as soon as they say they say their first name only (“Hi, I’m Jane”) or sign their first name only in an email — which they usually do immediately — I take that as a sign they are happy to be on a first name basis and use that. They are not my doctor. And, we are working together as equals. Also, these are regular work meetings often in groups so it would be weird to ask them in front of everyone “May I call you Jane?” Last, no one ever calls me “Mrs so-and-so.”

For comparison, at my kids’ schools, everyone addresses me as “Mrs” and I use their titles as is appropriate. In that case, it’s mutual and reciprocal.

Am I wrong here?

Nope, that is in fact the long-time etiquette rule: If someone introduces themselves with only their first name or signs off using it, that’s a signal that you should address them by their first name. That’s what it means!

4. New colleague keeps blaming a coworker for missed deadlines

I work for a large company. My team collaborates with several different teams on various projects. One of these teams has a new structure with a new point of contact. Since the new contact came on board six months ago, we have noticed that the team is often late on deadlines, even those they suggested. The contact person consistently and proactively blames their tardiness on one specific member of their team, calling them out by name and noting what a burden their time out of office has caused, is causing, or will cause. That named team member, whom we have worked with for years and have found to be excellent, has taken a total of about three weeks of PTO, scheduled well in advance, during this time frame. They are not in the meetings where their absence is discussed. (For what it’s worth, we have not seen evidence that this “named” team member is assigned to any of the late work, but rather the suggestion is that her absence causes stress on the rest of the team which in turn affects their work.)

Our team has grown increasingly uncomfortable with how often this person’s PTO is used as an excuse, not just because our timelines are not met but because it seems to unfairly target one person for the productivity of a full team. Is there anything we can or should be doing to address this situation?

Ideally your team’s manager would speak to the manager of the new point of contact about what’s happening — explaining that she keeps blaming a colleague for late deadlines, it doesn’t seem to be true, and it’s making your whole team uncomfortable.

If for some reason that doesn’t happen or doesn’t solve it, the rest of you should feel free to speak up when this contact person blames the other team member. For example: “That doesn’t sound right. Jane has always been on top of deadlines and hasn’t taken an unusual amount of PTO.” Or, “It’s not sitting right with us that you blame Jane when this happens. She has always been on top of deadlines and hasn’t taken an unusual amount of PTO.” And consider adding, “Maybe you can sit down with us, Jane, and (this person’s manager) and hash this out.”

Read an update to this letter. 

5. Interview travel expenses

What expenses is it appropriate for a company to cover when you travel to their location for an interview? In my field, people often interview with organizations that are located in different cites than their own. Typically, the schedule is to fly in the night before, interview the entire day, have dinner that night with the interview committee, and then fly out the next day.

However, I was recently offered an interview where they wanted me to fly back right after I interviewed — they were not willing to cover a hotel for that night. That would have meant interviewing from 9-5 (there was no dinner, I guess, another bad sign), then an hour or longer ride to the airport in rush hour traffic, and flying another 1.5 to 2 hours to get home. That sounded like an exhausting day, so I declined to continue on with the interview process.

They did mention that things would have been different if I lived on the opposite coast from the organization’s location, but since I was located on the same coast they would only pay for a hotel the night before. Is that standard for interviews? I was kind of offended and it honestly felt a bit ableist, like they were looking for the candidate with the most stamina vs. the one who would be the best fit for the role.

There’s no real standard across fields; some organizations won’t pay to fly candidates out at all, some try to keep their expenses as low as possible, and some pay more to prioritize candidate comfort and will happily pay for that second night. But more often than not, with an organization that’s already flying someone out, it’s reasonable to expect they’d cover a second night, given the schedule you described — or would at least agree to it if you asked, even if it wasn’t their first proposal. (A lot of people would prefer to fly home that night since the flight was short, and they might have assumed that was your preference … but there should have been room for you to explain it wasn’t.)

I doubt they were looking for the candidate with the most stamina; more likely they were trying to save money (although the effect could be the same).

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Getting out of shared housing for interns

I’m about to graduate from college and I’ve been looking at internships targeting recent grads, as well as entry-level jobs, Some of these, including one I’m very interested in, ask interns to share a house and do group activities beyond work-related training (cook meals together, go swimming). Which sounds unprofessional, I know, but is sort of reasonable since these internships are often linked to an undergraduate summer program (or even a high school program!) and are marketed as halfway between a job and a gap year.

For a lot of people, I’m sure this kind of thing is super fun and rewarding (I have a friend in one of these programs and it’s great for her). However, sharing a kitchen is an absolute no-go for me — I have celiac disease, which is an incredibly sensitive gluten allergy. Even using kitchen utensils that have been used with gluten risks making me sick for weeks, I can’t eat many items labeled “gluten free,” etc. I’m willing to live on my own or with roommates I personally vet and who know that they’re opting in to a strictly gluten-free kitchen, but I am not going to spend months of my life negotiating kitchen space with random teenagers who might forget that soy sauce has wheat in it, or absolutely need to bake a cake or they’ll go crazy, or think I’m making the whole thing up for attention.

Do you know if internships that expect this are legally required to let me find alternate accommodations? I’m worried that since this isn’t a traditional job, they’ll argue that living in a community with other interns is in some way a core part of the program. And how should I handle asking about it? My current plan is to ask in stages:
– by email before I apply, disclose that I have a disability that would affect housing arrangements but not any other aspect of the job, and ask if the housing component is considered a requirement, a perk, or part of compensation
– in an interview, disclose fully, and ask how they’ve handled disability accommodations for interns in the past
– during salary negotiations, ask how much they’ll subsidize alternate housing or raise my pay, since the posted offer plus rent-free housing is obviously a much higher rate of compensation than simply the money on its own.

It’s very, very likely that you’ll be allowed to find your own alternate accommodations; programs like this typically see the provided housing as a perk but not a strict requirement … and especially not a requirement so strict that it would trump a participant’s health needs. I can’t say with certainty whether they’re legally required to let you opt out of it, but I’d be surprised if they aren’t. Regardless, from a practical standpoint, they almost certainly will allow exceptions.

The most likely complication is that they might not be willing to pay for alternate housing for you, since that won’t be budgeted into the program’s finances. So go into it knowing that might not be on the table.

I wouldn’t send the pre-application email asking if they consider housing a requirement, a perk, or part of compensation — the person answering those emails might not know how it will impact compensation and it’s getting more into the weeds than you need to at that point. Instead, apply and include a note in your cover letter explaining you have a health issue that would mean you couldn’t live in their group housing. In the interview, explain what you’d need and ask how they’d handle that. And then if they offer you the internship, see if you can negotiate a stipend for housing, which may or may not be doable but isn’t unreasonable to ask about. (Or, if the housing stipend would be a deal-breaker for you, you could ask about it at the interview stage or even before accepting an interview.)

Also, you mentioned salary negotiations so be aware that a lot of these programs don’t do any salary negotiation; participants are all paid the same. But even if that’s the case, you can still ask about housing assistance.

2. Would I be a jerk for turning down lunch with my successor?

I just found out that the person who became my successor for a previous role is now my successor again for a job I left a few years ago. What are the chances? She got in touch with me to ask to take me to lunch to learn more about her new role.

I am normally very happy to talk to those taking over previous roles. However in her first time succeeding me, she ended up being let go by the board of directors after a disastrous few years were she burnt through half the surplus I had worked hard to build, alienated the staff, and fired (and then hastily rehired when the board found out) a key senior manager who was on sick leave.

Now she wants to meet with me and I have such trepidation about her being unleashed on another beautiful nonprofit that I adored leading. It would be out of character for me to turn down this meeting, but I’m also livid. We work so hard to build organizations but it always shocks me how quickly they can be dismantled.

Weirdly, our offices are in the same building so I will likely bump into her. And who knows, maybe she’s different now? Although I note she has not held a full-time position since that role. So, WIBTA for saying no to a lunch? If I said yes is there a kind way to be honest? Or is it worth saying anything at all?

You can turn down down the lunch without being a jerk; being a good person does not require spending your time in ways that you object to on principle or that feel unlikely to pay off in the way the person requesting your time wants. And really, since it’s been a few years since you left that job, you might not even be able to provide terribly useful insights at this point anyway (and you won’t know what has changed since you left).

Don’t get into the real reason though; there’s no constructive way to say, essentially, “You were a disaster at the first job and I’m concerned you’ll be a disaster at this one too.” Just cite busyness — “My schedule is packed and I’m trying to be disciplined about not putting anything else on my calendar, so the timing won’t work, but best of luck with the role!” And if you run into her in the building and she tries to waylay you with questions, you can always cite the passage of time (“It’s been so long that I don’t remember much that would be helpful, and things have changed since I was there”), which is probably true.

Also! If you can, try to move away from being livid. Her work was presumably a disaster because of incompetence, not intentional malfeasance. And if she’s a disaster in the second job, the organization that hired her for what sounds like a senior role bears some responsibility for that, particularly since she has a track record that could be examined.

3. I don’t want to tell coworkers my time off is for plastic surgery

I’m booked to have cosmetic surgery later this year and I don’t want my colleagues to know about it. I’m lucky enough to have a manager that doesn’t ask for details about time booked off, but any leave of a week or longer will always result in my colleagues asking about where I’m off to, holidays, etc., and I don’t know what to reply when this inevitably happens before my surgery.

I’ve been told that I’ll need two weeks off from work to recover, so I can’t just brush it off with “oh, just chilling at home and catching up with chores” and any mention of surgery will prompt a whole load of chatter about the state of the NHS (I’m in the UK), and if I mention that I’m paying for private medical care, then this just opens up a huge can of worms. So what’s the best way for me do deal with this? A blunt “I’m having two weeks off for private reasons” will NOT satisfy my colleagues and will likely just fuel gossip.

Is it an option to just say vaguely, “Just some medical stuff I have to take care of”? And if you’re asked for details, “Nothing I want to get into, but nothing to worry about”?

If not, then you are having a staycation, or your sister/cousin/college roommate is visiting, or you’re visiting family … whatever you’re most comfortable saying. You don’t owe people total honesty about things that are none of their business, and any of these answers qualifies as an allowable white lie when you’re dealing with nosy people who would otherwise push you for information they’re not entitled to.

4. I’m suspended without pay — but still getting work calls

I made a horrible decision and got a DUI after celebrating a recent promotion. I am full of remorse and recognize what a terrible decision this was. I was traveling for work and, while off duty, I was in a rental car paid for by the company. I called my supervisor the next morning, told him what happened and expressed my remorse. He shared that while disappointed, he did not believe this would result in termination and thanked me for notifying him. I have an extremely strong record with my company and am well respected within the organization and by our customers.

I’ve since been notified by HR that they are revoking my promotion and suspending me for 30 days without pay. However, I am continuing to receive calls — there are several big projects slated for when I return, of which I would typically be planning for now. Can they ask me to plan and work for these while being suspended without pay? I don’t want to be difficult and am fully accepting the consequences of my actions. I am taking every step necessary to ensure this never happens again. But is working for free a legal consequence? I am a salaried, exempt employee.

Nope, they can’t legally have you work while they’re not paying you. Is it possible the people calling you don’t realize you’re suspended? Either way, message your boss (and cc HR) and explain people are still calling you with work and say, “I assume that legally I can’t do work while I’m suspended so I’m going to explain to people that I’m on leave and redirect them to you, but I wanted to let you know it’s happening in case you want me to handle it differently.”

5. Why are so many executives condescending to workers?

Why are so many company executives so condescending to employees? I just sat through a town hall meeting where the CEO revealed that they changed the rules for this coming year to make it much harder to get a bonus than it was supposed to have been. He actually told us that it was better for us this way, like we’re stupid and don’t understand that they just want to pay us less. The whole time, he used a voice like he was a parent talking to a small child. Then the HR director stood up and did the same thing. Do they really think we’re that stupid? Why would they employ us if they think we’re idiots?

Power makes many people weird and out-of-touch and gives them an inflated sense of their own importance relative to others.

Responsible, thoughtful people with power will actively work to counteract those effects, but not everyone falls in that category (and even when they do, it seems to be tough to completely insulate themselves from power’s effects — it can be very Frodo and the Ring).

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Our new CEO keeps talking about diet and exercise

Our company recently got a new CEO who is very big on health and fitness and has made it his mission to make our employee population healthy in order to reduce the company’s healthcare costs. However, making people healthy translates to making people thin without providing real resources to do so (like subsidized healthy food, extra breaks for walking, access to weight loss medications, etc.). The delivery of his messaging often comes across as fat-shaming. For example, in our holiday employee communication, he wished everyone a happy holiday and then encouraged us to get some exercise. He patrols the lunch room and comments on peoples’ meals. He went on a leadership call and told everyone that they should eat three tangerines a day. He hired an ultramarathoner with no experience in employee health to lead the employee health initiative. This isn’t just some mom and pop company. This is a Fortune 500 healthcare company where people should know better. It is bringing down the morale of my team and making people very uncomfortable.

When I’ve addressed this with my boss, the response is that he’s the CEO and can really do what he wants. Is there a way to encourage change or at least make my team feel better?

Realistically, there’s probably not a lot you can do. You and your coworkers can certainly pass your feedback up through the chain; feedback from one person won’t make a lot of difference but if a bunch of you are all saying the same thing, it might have more on an impact. You can raise it when you’re given opportunities to provide input on the company culture (like if you have regular employee surveys). If you have an equity and inclusion team, you could try raising it with them. But otherwise, it sounds like most of this is just this guy making inane remarks (three tangerines a day?) and yeah, there’s not a lot you can do about that when it’s coming from the CEO, unless at some point he starts crossing legal lines re: discrimination.

2. We still had to work after our coworker died

This situation happened a few years ago, but it is still bothering me. One awful day, while I was at work, we received a phone call that one of my coworkers had unexpectedly died. To say we were devastated was an understatement, as several of us were very close to this coworker. (I, for example, worked right next to her, and also associated with her outside of work.)

My job is NOT the type of industry that is essential and has to remain open — for example, we close in bad weather. However, during this event, they made us stay to work the rest of our shift. It was awful — we had to serve customers while sobbing.

Would I have been justified in refusing to work for the rest of my shift? I chose not to, as I didn’t want more work falling on my other coworkers’ plates but … I wish I had.

Yeah, if the nature of the work didn’t require that you stay open, they should have either closed for the rest of the day or let the people who were most affected leave and run with reduced staffing. And really, even if they didn’t care as empathetic humans, they shouldn’t have wanted customers being served by people who were crying — that’s not good for anyone. And even if they didn’t initially understand how people were affected, they should have changed course once they did.

In a situation like that, it would have been reasonable for you to say, “Jane and I were very close, and this is devastating. I’m not in any shape to work right now and I’m going to need to go home for the rest of the day.” Don’t kick yourself for not doing that though — it can be hard to know what you can and can’t do when you’re dealing with something terrible.

I’m sorry about your friend.

Read an update to this letter. 

3. My coworker is asking me to cover for him on days he’s not really off

I’m hoping you can advise me on how to resolve a situation where I am essentially subsidizing extra PTO for a coworker.

I and another coworker, “Sam,” both report to the same manager. We work in the same function and support the same product family. Sam supports older generations of the product and I support newer ones. We work heavily with our respective project teams for the day-to-day activities and really only work with our manager for performance reviews and occasional updates. Our manager is very hands-off and does not help us get coverage when we take time off.

Whenever Sam takes PTO, he will send me an invite in Outlook letting me know so that I can be back-up while he is out. Typically, if Sam takes a week off, I end up spending about five hours working on his projects. Sam does not back me up when I am out of office because he does not know and does not want to learn the additional functionality for our newer generation products. I have begun to suspect that Sam is reporting less PTO than he actually takes, which is leaving me feeling upset because I have essentially been working extra so that he can have more time off.

When we request PTO, our request system shows the calendar of everyone under our direct manager. When I requested my time off for the Christmas holidays, I noticed that Sam’s requested time on the team calendar was shorter than what he had included on the Outlook invite to me, but I dismissed it as a one time mistake. I recently got an Outlook invite from Sam for his upcoming PTO. That reminded me that we’re getting close to the expiration date for our annual PTO and that I should request my own time off. I opened up our request system and saw that although Sam is planning to be out for five days, he only requested two days.

I have now started to wonder how often this has happened in the past and honestly, I feel used. What should I do here? Should I just let this go or try talking to Sam or our manager?

Start by talking to Sam because that might solve it and also because, if you do need to take it to your manager, it’ll be useful to be able to say you asked Sam directly about it first. Say this: “Do I have the dates of your vacation wrong? I’d thought you needed me to cover you March 6-10, but I saw on the time off calendar that you’ll be gone March 6-7. Do you just need me covering you March 6-7 then?”

If that doesn’t solve it, then you should indeed talk to your manager because it’s directly affecting your workload.

4. If I give months of notice, I can’t take any time off from that point forward

I am a medical professional working at a community health center. I have been there for almost 10 years. Because of personal/family issues which have nothing to do with work, I have decided to relocate to another city in six months. I know that this will happen, it’s not just a “maybe” thing. I am a well-liked provider at the clinic and take on several roles in admin aside from seeing patients.

To give my clinic, coworkers, and patients the maximum amount of time to manage my leaving, I want to tell them as soon as possible. The problem? Organizational policy says that you cannot take any leave “from the time of resignation” and any previous leave that was approved is canceled. I didn’t have any major trips planned or anything, but I don’t want to commit to taking no leave (personal, vacation, medical education, or scheduled sick) for the next six months! The policy states that you must submit resignation at least two months prior to leaving.

I can’t help but feel the incentives are all messed up here. I don’t want to be seeing patients and not be able to tell them my plans. My clinic has a high transition rate, and many of patient patients have had providers “leave on them” before.

The paths forward I see are (1) say nothing and resign two months prior to leaving as per policy, (2) try to have an “off the record” discussion with my manager to navigate the situation (we get along pretty well, but I know she will not be happy I am leaving), or (3) just suck it up and resign and know that the good karma is my reward. Any advice?

Yep, this is a terrible policy because it disincentivizes people from doing the thing that would actually be the most helpful to the organization, other employees, and patients. You should not just suck it up and give up any possibility of taking leave for six months. (Two months is bad enough.)

Whether to do #1 or #2 on your list depends on what you know about your boss and exactly what you mean when you say she won’t be happy you’re leaving. Disappointed or angry/punitive? With some managers, you could have an off-the-record conversation about the situation and know it wouldn’t be held against you in any way. With others, you couldn’t. Unless you know for sure that your manager is in the first group, stick with following the policy that they’ve laid out — give your two months notice and nothing more. After all, that’s what the policy they’ve chosen is telling you they want.

Also, even if your manager is someone who would handle it well, it’s worth asking yourself what she could really do with the info if she has to keep it off the record. If she can’t act on it in any way, there may not be meaningful benefits to having the conversation anyway.

5. I have a great work history but nothing else to put on my resume

By all accounts, I’m a high performer with a wildly successful 20+ year career with a Fortune 50 company. For most of my career, I’ve been fortunate to work on high impact projects, being selected for roles based on my reputation and without really having to interview or even have an up-to-date resume. (I know, I only have first-world problems.)

I’ve been in my current role for about 5 years, and am starting to think about moving on. For the first time, I really need to have a proper resume. However, there’s a problem: I have some gaps that I don’t know how to address. For example, the Education section – I don’t have a college degree, although I have several prestigious industry designations and professional certifications. I also don’t have much in the way of extracurricular activities like mentoring, volunteering, church, or clubs to highlight. I’m just the kind of person who keeps to myself outside of work. I have a few interesting hobbies like travel and crafting, but that doesn’t feel right to include in my professional profile.

So my resume seems overly heavy on job history and results, but it feels light or non-existent on everything else. I want to come across as well rounded, but I’m not sure how to do that based on my situation. Am I thinking about this the wrong way?

Job history and results are the most important thing! In most fields, they’re vastly more important than the other sections. You can skip the outside-of-work stuff entirely, and for education just list the stuff you do have. This isn’t like college applications, where you want to seem well-rounded; you’ll be fine keeping the focus on your work history.

Read an update to this letter.