this is about my mom by Alison Green on February 15, 2023 This is not a work post. My mother woke up one morning last July itching all over her body, from the top of her head to the soles of her feet. She called me and I told her it was probably bug bites and her body’s antihistamine response was just misfiring. It was not bug bites. Several days later we learned she had a mass on her pancreas: cancer. Several weeks later we learned that it had spread. She was told in July that she had eight to eleven months to live. Maybe a bit more, maybe less. I can’t explain strongly enough how blindsided I was. My mom, despite obviously being old enough to be my mom, is one of the healthiest people I know. She’s a passionate devotee of yoga and exercise. Half her friends are my age or younger (and my own friends tend to think she’s barely older than we are). Her sensibility is … not an old person’s. I recently watched her fill out a medical form that asked whether she’d had more than one sexual partner and she amused herself by writing, “Not at the same time.” I guess my point is, she never really got old, regardless of her age, and at some level this led me to think I would have her forever. It turns out that I will not. Metastatic pancreatic cancer is a bad cancer, as cancers go, and dying from pancreatic cancer is not a good death. It can be painful and prolonged. My mom doesn’t want to die that way, and she’s determined that she won’t — and that’s why I’m writing this. For the last few years – starting well before her diagnosis – my mom has been a legislative advocate for Medical Aid in Dying. Medical Aid in Dying allows a terminally ill, mentally capable adult with a prognosis of six months or less to live to request from their doctor a prescription for medication they can decide to take to die peacefully in their sleep. It’s only legal in 10 states and D.C. She’s been working to make it legal in Virginia, where we live. When she started working on the issue, she had no idea that the issue would become so personal to her; she just cared deeply about adults’ autonomy and right to make their own end-of-life choices. My mom has always lived her life on her own terms, so it’s been no surprise to me that she’s spending the limited time she has left continuing to fight to be able to do that. Since her diagnosis, she has testified before our state legislature, lobbied elected officials, and last month went on TV to speak about the need for the law to change. She stresses that with this legislation, terminally ill patients can fill the prescription and then decide never to take it; many people find peace just knowing they have the medicine on hand in case they need it, but never end up using it. They just want to know they have that control. (Also, states where it’s legal have strict safeguards to ensure the decision can be made only by the sick person themselves, not by doctors or family members or anyone else.) Last month, a Virginia Senate subcommittee voted (on almost straight party lines) against passing the legislation in our state, so – despite having lived here most of her adult life – my mom now has to move into D.C., where she’ll be allowed to die without suffering when the time comes. Medical Aid in Dying is currently legal in California, Colorado, D.C., Hawaii, Maine, Montana, New Jersey, New Mexico, Oregon, Vermont, and Washington state. Legislation has also been introduced in Arizona, Connecticut, Indiana, Maryland, Massachusetts, New York, and Rhode Island. If you live in a state that doesn’t currently give terminally ill people the right to ensure their death is a peaceful one, my mom and I very much hope you will contact your legislators and ask them to change that. The organization Compassion & Choices is the one she has been working with, and they make it easy for you to contact your elected representatives here. Related: some things about my mom You may also like:when I didn't answer a call, my boss worried I'd attempted suicide and he called my momcoworker’s Facebook is filled with gross imagery, custodian says we have fleas but we do not, and morepregnant coworker keeps saying awful things to my terminally ill sister { 630 comments }
my employees tell me what they’re doing, rather than asking permission by Alison Green on February 15, 2023 A reader writes: I am a fairly new manager for a small team of creatives. I have noticed that when my team has a request, they have almost all have a habit of making it a statement rather than a question. For example: “I have to come in a hour late on Tuesday,” or “I’m modifying the headline color in this document set.” To be clear, I have the final say on these decisions, and the team knows this. I find this habit grating, as it assumes that I will always agree and accommodate these requests. Am I being too sensitive to a harmless habit? If not, how would you recommend addressing this? Virtually all of these requests are either reasonable requests I would approve anyway. I answer this question over at Inc. today, where I’m revisiting letters that have been buried in the archives here from years ago (and sometimes updating/expanding my answers to them). You can read it here. You may also like:is it true that you should "ask for forgiveness, not permission"?my boss asked me, "if you were fired, who would you tell first?"how can I talk sense into a young relative with terrible workplace habits? { 247 comments }
I was told to stop knitting in a training class … but I knit so I can focus by Alison Green on February 15, 2023 A reader writes: I had a knee-jerk reaction to a situation. Could you please advise me on handling it maturely? I can be fidgety and while I do well overall in classroom environments, I can have a hard time listening while sitting still (I start thinking of other things and/or get drowsy quickly) and have coped in the past by doodling. Instructors have responded to this in various ways. Some don’t seem to care at all, and some have interpreted it as me not paying attention. In grad school, a fellow student knit in class for similar reasons and I learned how and found that as long as the pattern was simple enough that I didn’t have to look at it often and it was easy to put down when I needed to write something down, I could sit up and look more attentive in class while actually paying attention with my brain as well as I do when I’m doodling (where I’m looking away from the instruction). I’m doing some intense professional development for my work that occurs one week at a time for eight weeks stretched over a year. It is a privilege to be in the program and I really want the information, so after the first week when it was evident that (1) I was struggling to focus consistently while sitting still and (2) I was an active participant in the class who the instructor knew as a contributor, I brought in a simple knitting project and asked the instructor if it was okay if I knit in class. She said it was fine, and I trust her that she would have come to me directly if there was a problem. Everything seemed golden! A few weeks later my great-grandboss (my boss’s boss’s boss) came with a group to observe the program while I had my knitting out. Apparently there have been disruptive knitters(!) at my company before I worked there, and the message was passed down to my boss that it was unacceptable. My boss was fairly nice about it, explained the situation and that it’s not my behavior but it’s frowned upon “so just stop it.” I was pretty put out! I really do think the knitting increases my access to the point of the training. My boss didn’t frame it as a discussion and I don’t think explaining the situation to her would help me with the great-grandboss anyway. I don’t have any formal diagnoses but I’ve started therapy and I might have ADHD or PTSD that contribute to why I learn like this. Is this something that would even fit within ADA accommodations if I do end up with a diagnosis? Will people laugh at the crazy employee who says she needs to knit? I can go back to doodling, and we’re allowed to eat in this class which can help too, but all that paper and candy and drinking 3-4 liters of water a day just to keep my hands busy is so much worse to me than knitting. I feel pouty and resentful and I don’t want to let those dominate my work reactions. Could you please shine a light on what path you recommend I take? There’s so much more awareness now than there used to be that some people — especially but not only people with ADHD — focus much better when their hands are occupied, so it’s disappointing that your boss’s boss’s boss doesn’t seem to know that (and that no one under her pushed back with that message when the edict was handed down). That said, that awareness is relatively new (to the point that I didn’t mention it at all in this post on knitting at work from six years ago) and someone who hasn’t kept up on it could indeed think knitting in a class was a sign that you weren’t fully engaged. Plus, someone who has never knit could easily think it requires more of your focus than it really does, and could see it as rude or disrespectful to the trainer or other class members, like openly reading an unrelated book during the class would be. I also think that awareness — while it’s grown — hasn’t changed the fact that knitting in work meetings would still read as out of place and disengaged in many, many offices. That’s not about whether it should, just that it would. But you weren’t in a work meeting; you were in a class, and classes tend to have more relaxed norms. It’s also frustrating that you talked to your instructor, received her blessing, and then were told to cut it out by someone who just briefly dropped in and had no context. I’m not sure what was up with the “disruptive knitters” in the past, but it might have been about the knitting being distracting to others. It’s true that when you need to keep your hands occupied to stay focused, you’ve got to find methods that won’t distract people around you. So in the future, it might be worth asking people sitting around you if it distracts them, in addition to checking with the instructor. As for what to do from here, you’ve got two options. One is to see if fidget toys, which are designed specifically for this purpose, work for you (just make sure they don’t make noise). The other is to go back and talk to your boss, explain that you knit in order to focus and that you had specifically checked with the instructor and received her okay at the start of the class, and ask if there’s room for pushback. If nothing else, you could broach it by explaining that you didn’t want to leave her with the impression that you weren’t engaged in the class — something she’d probably appreciate hearing — and then, if she seems receptive, decide if you want to ask about pushing back on the directive or not. As for ADA accommodations: Yes! Doing something with your hands to aid in concentration is specifically listed by the Job Accommodation Network as a possible accommodation for ADHD, autism, and probably other disabilities as well. Your employer doesn’t necessarily need to agree to the specific accommodation you request — in other words, if you propose knitting, they’re allowed to ask if doodling or fidget toys or something else would work instead — but in general, this is an area recognized as a reasonable one for accommodations. You may also like:does it look unprofessional to draw in meetings?my coworker is teasing me with a mascot of an animal I'm scared ofshould I tell my employee she needs to give a clearer "no" to a client who's interested in her? { 630 comments }
should I tell my employees I might get fired, coworker is a kiss-ass, and more by Alison Green on February 15, 2023 It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go… 1. Should you tell your employees you’re on an improvement plan? I’m a manager in a technical field. Recently I was placed on a Performance Improvement Plan (PIP). I have a handful of weeks to demonstrate an improvement or I get fired. One of my primary PIP goals revolves around improving the performance of one of my teams. I’ll leave out the details, but assume I’m accountable for their failures or successes in this situation. The team members themselves aren’t under the same test, but this PIP is attempting to demonstrate whether I should lead the team or whether a different person should do that job instead while I find a new company. As the team’s manager, I’m wondering whether or not to tell the employees that I’m on a PIP. On the one hand, PIPs are very sensitive topics and there’s a certain power dynamic behind a boss telling you that you need to change your results because his/her job is on the line. I imagine this revelation could also upset morale in the department if it spreads. For instance, raising concerns about “could I be next” or stirring up opinions about myself or my boss. On the other hand, I feel like it would be proper to tell my team about my situation? If I’m going to modify my behavior or communication techniques to meet a very specific pass/fail condition, I feel like they deserve to know why. I also have a very open two-way communication with my direct reports, so it would go against my usual approach to conceal even something like this. What do you think? Don’t tell your employee that you’re on a PIP. It’s likely to make people uncomfortable (what do they say in response? are they supposed to express concern? the power dynamics make this weird), as well as make them feel a ton of uncertainty about what’s going to happen in the department if you’re fired. Also, if it gets back to your own boss that you shared it with your team, it could seem like poor judgment on your part — which definitely isn’t what you want when they’re already questioning whether to keep you in the role. It sounds like you want to share the info so that your team understands why you’re changing how you operate. But you can give context for that without talking about the PIP. You can say, “Jane really wants to see us achieving X in the next Y weeks, so I’m going to be doing Z to make sure we do.” Or depending what X is, you could take Jane out of it entirely — “we need to make a big push to achieve X in the next Y weeks so I’m going to be doing Z.” You don’t need to add, “And if we don’t, I’ll lose my job.” Related: how much should I tell a team whose boss is on a performance plan? 2. Asking employees if they’re married and where they vacation I manage four full-time employees. Adam has been part of the team for six years. He’s never offered up personal information, which I fully understand. About two months ago, I noticed a ring on his left ring finger. I didn’t ask, because I don’t want to pry! When he’s put in for vacation time in the past, I casually ask where he’s going, but he doesn’t offer information. (Again, totally fine!) Would it have been appropriate two months ago to send him an email and ask if he’s married? And is there any appropriate way to ask at this point?! And is there a better, appropriate way to ask where an employee is vacationing? It’s not for any reason — I just truly like knowing about my employee’s lives and happy news. No, please don’t pry! Adam has shown you through his actions that he’s not very interested in discussing personal information, and you should respect that boundary. It’s one thing if a personal topic naturally comes up in conversation (like if Adam references a spouse, it would be fine to say, “I hadn’t realized you were married!” and see if he volunteers more, like that he just got married this year or so forth). But emailing him to ask point-blank if he’s married would be a little odd and really isn’t something you need to know so much that it would warrant an email, or that would warrant overriding the cues he’s given about his preferences. I don’t mean to say that there’s never any value in sharing info about our personal lives with colleagues, because there is! Sharing about our lives when there are natural openings for it does help build warm relationships when people choose to do it. But it’s not necessary to building warm relationships; it’s one way of doing it, but you can also build those relationships simply by working together in a warm, collegial, supportive way. And really, you’re less likely to build strong working relationships if you don’t respect people’s cues. (In fact, you might consider Adam’s signals about his boundaries to be a piece of personal info he has shared with you!) Re: asking where an employee is vacationing (not just Adam, but more broadly) — it’s certainly not the biggest boundary violation to inquire but rather than asking point-blank, statements like “I hope you’re doing something fun!” or “I hope you’ll have some time to relax!” let people who don’t want to share avoid it, while making room for people who do want to offer more. (And there are all kinds of reasons someone might prefer not to — like dealing with a private or painful family situation, traveling out of state for reproductive care, etc.) Plenty of managers ask out of genuine good will and I’m not saying it’s a dreadful sin if you choose to (and most people are prepared for the question anyway), but since you’re raising the question, it’s thoughtful to be sensitive to that. 3. My coworker is an over-the-top suck-up I have a coworker who I’m having a hard time dealing with. I am senior to her, not her direct manager, but as one of the few women in our male-dominated field, I’d love to be able to engage with her on a more mentorship type of level. The problem is that it seems impossible to engage with her without her spouting effusively about how good I am at my job, how talented, how skilled, etc. Now, I am good at my job, this is true! But she’s so over the top and lays it on so thickly, she’s just making stuff up at a point, and it’s extremely disingenuous — she doesn’t work directly with me enough to actually know these things! It’s uncomfortable enough that I’ve begun avoiding talking with her at all, which is disappointing to me; I think our company could really benefit with her in a leadership position. Any advice? Sometimes you can redirect this kind of thing by saying in a fairly dry tone, “I appreciate that but I really want to talk about (subject change).” If you say that a few times (or other variations on “let’s talk about you, not me”) and she keeps doing it anyway, then you’ll have a natural opening to say very directly, “Whoa, this is way too much and some of it isn’t even true. I’m not being falsely humble; it’s really too much.” If she can’t take that feedback at face value, I’m not sure she is a great candidate for leadership — but if she does and you’re able to move into a mentor-type relationship with her, that’s an area you could talk with her about down the road (because you might not be the only person she’s doing this with and it’ll harm her credibility over time). 4. Annoying ring tones I work in an open office with three to four other people on any given day. A new member of our team uses her personal cell phone for work. The problem is that she has very annoying ringtones that go off throughout the day. There are different tones depending on the caller. Some of them are silly catchphrases by cartoon characters, car engines being reved up, and animal sounds. Most of us keep our phones silent and turn on vibrations to alert us to calls and messages. Occasionally she steps away from her desk and we hear her phone going off for a while. Some of these tones are louder than others. Our boss is unable to be in the office every day, but she did say something to this person along the lines of, “Oh wow, that startled me.” I believe she was hoping that would be a clue to turn it down. Am I being too picky, or is this unprofessional? While this woman is not my superior, she is about 20 years older and has a ton of experience in the field. She should realize she’s annoying others, but since she apparently doesn’t, you have standing to speak up and say, “Would you mind keeping your phone on silent? Some of your ring tones make it hard to focus.” If she seems hesitant, you could add, “We generally keep our phones on vibrate so they don’t ring.” Say it warmly, as if of course she just didn’t realize and will be happy to comply now that she does. If she doesn’t and it continues to disrupt your work, feel free to ask your boss if she’ll make that request — but it makes sense to try it yourself first. Read an update to this letter. 5. I can’t bring myself to thank the company owners when I leave For the past 12 years, I’ve worked at a small, family-owned business. I gave notice recently and my last day is coming right up. Hooray! It’s time for me to go for a variety of reasons, including family health issues, but primarily because for the past three years the owners have been uninterested in managing my bullying (and truly toxic!) coworker. My quality of life has been severely compromised by dealing with this coworker on a daily basis. In 25+ years of employment, this person is by far the worst coworker that I’ve ever had. Although I finally accepted that my boss sucks and isn’t going to change, I haven’t been able to let go of my resentment over how my coworker’s abusive behavior was ignored, mismanaged, and sometimes even encouraged. Here’s my very low-stakes question. I’m an inveterate thank-you note writer. My mom taught me the value of a thoughtful thank-you note early, and I’ve come to appreciate the process of reflecting on what I’m grateful for. At work I typically write thank-you’s to my direct reports, coworkers, and the owners at the end of the year. I’m leaving this job on good terms and I want to show the owners my appreciation for the professional growth opportunities they’ve provided, At the same time, when I get ready to start a thank-you card, I think back to being bullied and mistreated by my coworker and I just start grinding my teeth. What do you recommend? Give yourself permission to skip the thank-you note. It’s not something most people do when they leave a job anyway, so no one is going to think “I can’t believe she didn’t write a thank-you note when she left.” They’re not going to know it’s even something you considered! Don’t devote any more effort to worrying about it, and just enjoy moving on. You may also like:I'm the smelly coworkerhow much should I tell a team whose boss is on a performance plan?how do I recover after an employee took advantage of my trust? { 305 comments }
the $15,000 coffee fund, the cheapskate executives, and other stories of office coffee wars by Alison Green on February 14, 2023 Last week, I asked for your stories about office coffee wars (or tea/milk/etc. wars). Here are 15 of my favorites … plus an update. 1. The coffee fund I worked in a department store during summer breaks from college back in the late 80s. The break room had an old school coffee maker, powdered milk, and a refrigerator from the 1970s. Coffee was 50 cents/cup to purchase more supplies. We begged for a microwave to heat up leftovers and were told there was no money for that. When the fridge finally died, there was no money to replace that either. One day I found a paper someone left in the copy machine showing the coffee expenses vs amount paid. There was $15,000 sitting in the coffee account (you didn’t read that wrong). The person in charge of the coffee insisted it was to only buy coffee so it continued to grow. When she finally retired years later the new person took one look at the amount in the coffee fund, used the money to make a proper break room with a new fridge, microwave, toaster oven and replacement coffee maker and still had $10,000 left in the fund at which point she made coffee free to everyone. 2. The interlopers Recently, we were the test floor for a new single-serving coffee machine. Imagine a Keurig crossed with the hotel coffee makers that use those flat tea-bag-looking things. There was a shelf set up nearby where we had our choice of decaf, french roast, kona, breakfast blend, salted caramel, and highlanger grogg. There was a perfect storm of the rest of the building realizing we had the good coffee and the realization that the two most popular flavors (highlander grogg followed by french roast) would run out quickly. Half of the floor was hoarding coffee in their desks because “the interlopers” (literally called them that) were “pilfering” (also used) our fancy coffee. Those who sat nearest to the elevator would send chats to their team to whenever someone they didn’t recognize from our floor got off the elevator and headed toward the kitchenette (also the way to pretty much every conference room) in an attempt to “track thefts.” The other half were hoarding specific flavors. At one point my boss called me over to her desk to show me where she’d stashed an entire box (30 servings) of Highlander Grogg in case I wanted some. It felt like someone on the street with a trench coat showing me knock-off watches, literally looking back over her shoulder like the cops were running a sting and might catch her with the coffee. 3. The ticket I work for a giant tech company that, unlike our giant tech company peers, doesn’t offer free food. However, there are coffee shops in all of our office buildings – actual branches of good local coffee shops that are only accessible by employees. Back in April 2021, these coffee shops started offering one free drink a day (latte, americano, whatever) as a way to entice people to return to the office (which was optional). It was always advertised as a this-month-only thing, but the same promotion was renewed for May 2021, June 2021, and so on, all the way until December 2022. In December 2022, it was announced that the free coffee for the month would end in January. Employees, including me, were distraught. Why would we go to the office without free coffee? An internal support ticket was raised with a severity level of 3, which translates to “group productivity impaired” (which usually means something more like, office WiFi is running slow). The ticket cited a study that said when there are limited coffee options in the workplace, employees will try to find more desirable alternatives elsewhere, lowering their efficiency during the workday and decreasing the amount of time they spend in the office. Over 1,000 people added their support to the ticket. Company leadership reinstated the free coffee. 4. The very serious issue At my wife’s work, the company provided a coffeemaker and (my wife tells me) truly terrible coffee. Some enterprising coworkers decided to pool together and bring in a different, much better variety of coffee. Donations to the not-gross coffee fund were voluntary and nobody really kept track, as most people gave more than was necessary. All in all, it worked about as well as anyone could have asked for… except. Turns out the terrible coffee and coffeemaker were contracted out to a supplier, who did not authorize third-party coffee in their machine. Could the employ just bring in a second machine? No, they could not, because the contract granted exclusive coffee-making rights to this supplier and they were locked in for at least the next two years. There were meetings hijacked to discuss the coffee issue. There were meetings scheduled to talk about nothing BUT the coffee issue. Truly ludicrous amount of time were wasted on the coffee conundrum. I’m talking hundreds of man-hours from people who are paid very nicely per hour, who were willing to go to the mattresses for their coffee. The issue was still ongoing when my wife was laid off. She avoided the issue by bringing her own in the mornings and then, during the day, going downstairs to the cafeteria where there was a TOTALLY FREE K-CUP MACHINE with a variety of flavors available for use for everyone in the building, including employees of her company. 5. The tea trolley In my first job, our trolley in the morning (I’m in the UK) also brought toast (you had to put your toast order in the day before but most toast lovers had a regular daily order) with the choice being white or brown bread, one or two slices, with tiny pats of butter or margarine and tiny pots of jam or marmalade at a small additional cost. Everything was served on proper plates with real cutlery, all of which was collected in the afternoon when the trolley came round again. Woe betide anyone hoarding plates, cups or cutlery! There was a massive uproar when we younger employees lobbied to be allowed to use our own mugs rather than the company-supplied cups and saucers. It was a genuine concern that the tea urn would empty too quickly if larger mugs were permitted, leading to a lengthy consultation period on the optimal mug size. Eventually, mugs were allowed but unfortunately, not long after, the trollies were replaced with hot drink vending machines where pretty much everything tasted of soup. Except the soup. 6. The soda It wasn’t coffee, but it was soda. Someone, or several someones, kept trying to cool down their can of soda quickly by putting it in the break room freezer. There was just one small problem with this. It would freeze there, and soda does not do well when frozen. The can would then explode in the freezer. The freezer would look like a war zone. Frozen soda EVERYWHERE. Over frozen lunches, the walls, the door… And worst of all, they started doing it at least twice a week every week for several months. The head of one team got so upset by this, he’d go red-faced and rant for an hour. I thought one night we’d have to call an ambulance he was so upset. He even made several signs asking people not to put their sodas in the freezer. It was ignored. The soda explosions finally stopped when the managers got tired of the complaints and sent out an email banning drinks in the freezer. 7. The fancy set-up The most recent hire at my job was recommended by someone who used to work for my boss, so we had a lot more info on him than you normally would with a new hire. His old boss kept hyping up this fancy coffee set-up he had. Turns out it’s a pour over set-up with a temperature control kettle and hand coffee grinder. I was like well that’s nice, but my coworkers were just amazed! They even wrote out a coffee protocol (with authors and citations). Can’t complain though because he makes killer coffee and is overall a nice person. 8. The tab Our firm provides coffee, water, some sodas, snacks, etc. totally free to employees. The office manager is responsible for ordering things/keeping them stocked. The coffee maker is one of those large machines plugged directly into the wall that you can stock with beans and then it provides both drip and espresso, which are decent. The ‘latte’ is not, as it’s made with dry milk, but I digress. Well, one day this thing stopped working. Office manager called in maintenance but they were estimating that it wouldn’t be online until late afternoon/next business day. No problem – I expected some mild grumbling from coworkers and for it not to be a thing. Nope. The office OPENED A TAB with the coffee place downstairs. People were pretty good about not abusing it (it ended up being a little over ~1 drink each, and no one went incredibly overboard in fanciness). But I to this day cannot believe the lengths they went to to keep people caffeinated (or the uproar that must have resulted in the past for this to be a thing.) 9. The pennies I once worked at an office that had a coffee club based on the honor system. The person who managed the money and purchased the coffee was upset because too many people were drinking coffee without paying. Fair, but coffee should have been free and they were known around the office for being super intense in general. They made a note saying you had to pay for coffee before drinking it so a friend started paying in pennies as a joke/commentary on the ridiculousness of the situation. A few days later there was another (angrier) note saying PAYING IN PENNIES IS A HOSTILE ACT. Over a decade later I still think of this whenever I use a penny. 10. The meltdown I used to work for a graduate program that had the most uptight, fussy, and frankly insufferable faculty that I’ve ever met in my life. Full meltdowns over the tiniest things were common. We had regular conferences and I made the coffee. One conference I had brought in a different type of coffee from home just to mix things up because I don’t really drink coffee and didn’t want it to go to waste. My biggest problem child had a full-on tantrum because she didn’t like the new coffee. She shoved the coffee cup in my face and was screaming and stomping her feet. Because I thought it was hilarious that a sixty-year-old woman was having a tantrum over coffee, I played dumb and just told her I wasn’t sure what happened because it was the same coffee and gently suggested there might be something wrong with her and she might want to get checked for COVID. 11. The cheapskate executives We used to have a coffee station on each floor and cups of coffee were $0.25 deposited into a canister. Someone from facilities would refill the coffee stuff, collect the quarters and clean daily and the residents of that floor were responsible for making the pots of coffee. At some point management started sending out emails about how the amount collected wasn’t correlating with the amount of coffee being stocked. I’m sure due to a number of things – leftover coffee at the end of the day in the pot, people using large cups and still paying $0.25, people not paying because they didn’t have a quarter on them. After a number of these various warnings someone decides to start tracking each floor with coffee in and cash out. Of the 8 floors in the building the floor that had the biggest cash to coffee gap was the floor where most of the top executives sat (salaries of mid-six figures to seven figures). We didn’t get any more emails about coffee shortages, not long after that the coffee pot system was replaced with a single pod system you had to purchase prior to brewing which led to a variety of pop-up Keurigs all over the building in various offices and desks. 12. The men Back when I worked at an engineering company I got permission to arrive at 7, because I liked to start early. Most everyone started at 8, but about 10 older guys also started at 7. There was one other woman who arrived at 7:30. What I learned on day one of my new schedule is all the men who started at 7 would arrive, go sit in the breakroom, and wait for the women to show up and make coffee. The first morning I came in they all perked up and seemed visibly disappointed when I made my tea and went back to my desk. On day two they started mournfully talking about how much they wanted coffee while I was making my tea. On day three they whined how hard it was to wait for the admin to arrive make coffee, and if sure would be nice if it got made earlier. On day four one of them stood up and suggested I make coffee. I pointed out I don’t drink coffee. He pointed out the instructions were posted next to the machine. To which I said yep, you’d be just as good as I would be at following those, and left for my desk. I was there for 12 years, drinking tea and never touching the coffee maker. 13. The teabags I worked in one office that provided coffee and, theoretically, tea. Coffee was brewed and could be grabbed at any time. However, the tea drinkers — including the ones in the other building — had to bring their used teabag to the office manager in order to receive a new one. (I am not a tea drinker, so I was spared that humiliation.) 14. Marge I used to work with “Marge.” Marge played favourites big-time. She had her own cafetiere which made exactly four mugs. She had a locked stock of really expensive coffee beans which she would grind fresh each morning. Then out would come the crockery and the tray, and little individual milk jugs. And along the cubicle corridor she would sail, distributing a mug of coffee and a milk jug to the three people who happened to be in her good books that particular day. She would be utterly charming and gracious. Then the very next day she would cut those three people completely dead in a really aggressive way and turn the charm on to three others. You never knew where you stood with her and she was quite a powerful person in the organisation. And woe betide you if you refused a cup of coffee! Weirdness abounded. 15. The cold brew My company used to provide iced coffee in the summer. Each of the building’s eight kitchens would have pitchers in the fridge that were periodically refilled. I don’t remember what the supply was like relative to demand, but it must have been pretty balanced because I don’t remember it being particularly hard to get iced coffee even if it wasn’t always available. It was just a nice little background perk. Then one year they installed four cold brew kegerators (one per floor). They sent out an email announcing the new perk and letting us know who to contact when refills were needed. All hell broke loose. We tore through the supply and started inundating the facilities team with refill requests. Eventually another email went out telling us they weren’t taking refill requests anymore – they’d calculated expected demand based on how much of the iced coffee we’d been consuming, so they’d be supplying 80 cups of cold brew per floor per week. It felt like a social experiment to see how quickly the scarcity could make us turn on each other. Our limited refills happened on an irregular schedule, so you couldn’t ever be sure the cold brew hadn’t just been refilled. You had to try your luck and be disappointed every time. False reports of refills spread like wildfire. What really kicked it into a full on war: Every floor got the same amount of cold brew, but not every floor had the same number of people. My floor had about 120 people; the next floor up had about 220. We had a nonstop stream of raiders from other floors trying to see if they’d have better luck with our cold brew than their own, and there was a secondary supply issue because suddenly the freezers were always out of ice. After a few months of growing resentment for our coworkers on neighboring floors, my department was moved to an overflow building with way fewer people, and which made those 80 cups go a lot further. I can only assume that back in the main building, the cold brew wars continued right up until COVID sent everyone home. And last … an update! In a coffee wars round-up five years ago, this story was shared: My company provides coffee machines on every floor but charges 20 cents per cup (except for “meeting coffee,” which is free). There are lists. People on every floor whose responsibility it is to refill coffee, sugar, and milk. Deputy people for this job. Monthly bills. Cash boxes on every floor where you are supposed to pay your bill. People who manage the cash boxes. Somebody in housekeeping whose responsibility is to manage cash logistics. Some other person in sales who hands out coffee, sugar, and milk (but needs a receipt for everything). Probably substitutes for these people too, I don’t know – you get the idea. At some time someone made an official “proposal for improvement” to eliminate the charge for coffee, the lists, the cash boxes and the whole system. Have a single person whose job it is to refill the coffee machines daily and be done with it. There was a short calculation how much time and effort could be saved. (A lot.) That proposal has gone through the improvements committee (yes, that’s a thing), the sales people, the union, the CEO and back to the improvements committee. It is still under consideration after 18 months. Last week we received an update on this long-running campaign: The proposal for improvement was rejected, but in the meantime there was a merger, and the other company has always provided free coffee for their employees. The cash system went away quietly, and coffee is free for everybody now! You may also like:our admins hate all the coffee I buy the office, but they insist I have to keep tryingdo good jobs ever leave room for outside artistic pursuits, coffee wars, and moreafter I asked for a raise, my boss told me I buy too much coffee { 433 comments }
when I offered someone a job, her dad got on the phone with questions by Alison Green on February 14, 2023 A reader writes: We recently hired a new grad, Jane. As my colleague, Sally, was making the verbal offer over the phone, she asked Jane if she had any questions. Jane replied, “No, but my father does.” Then, Jane’s father took the phone and started asking Sally questions about the offer! The questions ranged from logistics about onboarding, to asking if Jane could arrive late on her first day. Sally was so taken aback that she just answered the questions, but I’m curious how you would recommend handling a situation like this. Is there any way to respectfully give the parent feedback that they are not helping their child and negatively affecting their professional reputation (before they’ve even started)? I answer this question — and three others — over at Inc. today, where I’m revisiting letters that have been buried in the archives here from years ago (and sometimes updating/expanding my answers to them). You can read it here. Other questions I’m answering there today include: My employee warned me he has a problem with authority Should employers pay if employees need an extra seat on the plane? How do I say no to working with friends and family? You may also like:employee's dad called to see if we had "properly briefed him" on his travelmy dad is giving me weird and sexist career advicemy dad is dating my boss, and they want me to go to couples therapy with them { 225 comments }
I had to stay in a horrible hotel on a team-building trip by Alison Green on February 14, 2023 A reader writes: I work for a large company and my team is spread over four offices in different cities. We do a yearly employee satisfaction survey and our scores last year were quite low. In an attempt to improve our scores, our manager and director arranged a team-building trip to their home city. The idea was that the various offices would work together for a week, have fun together, and build team morale. In practice, we were still responsible for all our regular work (which is substantial and deadline driven) and the travel time plus the special activities made meeting deadlines very difficult. I worked the weekend before and still had to do quite a lot of work until late into the evening in my hotel room. Which brings me to the worst part. Our company has preferred hotels which are not luxury but perfectly nice, like a Marriot or Hilton. For this trip, the director booked all of us rooms in a very downscale hotel. Some highlights: • There was no security and anyone could walk in off the street and access the elevators. • The carpets were ripped and visibly dirty. • There were bags of garbage in the halls that stayed there for days. • I found hair on my sheets and my requests for fresh linens were ignored. • There was no housekeeping for the three days I was there — no one touched my room. • I went to the front desk and asked for clean towels and was told they “didn’t have any.” • The tub did not drain; I had to stand in ankle-deep water when I showered. • There was no food available and the only restaurants were a substantial walk through a pretty dodgy neighborhood. We did get closer as a team, but that was only because we bonded over complaining about the horrible hotel. Two team members left in the month after the trip. One had become sick during the trip and blamed the hotel. I am also actively job hunting. The trip/hotel isn’t the reason I’m leaving, but it definitely made me step up my job search. Is this worthy of elevating to HR or bringing up in my exit interview if I get another job? I told my manager about the hotel in private and got a shrug and “that’s the only hotel that’s close to the office.” I admit I am offended that the director thought it was fine to make us stay in a filthy hotel (and seemed to think it would improve morale?), but I also think this was a safety issue. I did not feel physically safe and my female colleagues and I made a pact to text each other if anyone came to our doors and to always travel with a buddy. It doesn’t seem that should be standard procedure on a business trip? As context, we work for a large, publically traded company that is generally good to work for. I have been quietly asking around and no one else has ever stayed at this hotel while traveling on company business. No, when you’re traveling for work, you should not expect to be stuck in a hotel where you feel so unsafe that you’re settling up a buddy system for leaving your room. If that was the only hotel close to the office, then you should have been offered a hotel further away. But if no one else traveling to that office has ever stayed in that hotel, my bet is that it wasn’t really the only one in the area — but rather, your group was put there to save costs because there were so many of you. If you’d only had to deal with a few of things on your list — ripped and dirty carpets or no housekeeping — that wouldn’t be such a big deal. But some of what you listed is disgusting (dirty sheets and no option for clean ones?!) and feeling unsafe is a deal-breaker on its own. It’s too late for this now, but ideally you and your coworkers would have raised the safety concerns during the trip and asked to move somewhere else. Sometimes in a situation like this it helps to present it as a fait accompli — “We don’t feel safe staying here so we’re going to switch hotels. Would you rather we move to the Oatmeal Inn in West Groats or the Buckwheat Hotel in Porridgeville?” But there are still things you can do after the fact. You can talk to whoever books travel and tell them to put the hotel on a “do not book” list, explaining the problems you encountered. You can talk to the people in the office you were visiting about what happened and ask that they ensure future visitors know not to stay there (and perhaps that they have other suggestions on hand). And you can indeed talk to HR about making sure this doesn’t happen again, and ask them to issue clear guidance on how people should handle it if they don’t feel safe during work travel. You asked about mentioning it in your exit interview and you could do that too, but it’s unlikely to be as effective as these other options (a lot of what gets said in exit interviews goes nowhere). Read an update to this letter. You may also like:can I bring a friend-with-benefits back to my hotel on a work trip?my office loves expensive, physically demanding team-building activitiesI'm supposed to sleep in the office when I travel for work { 447 comments }
I got yelled at after texting a hiring manager’s personal cell, interviewer asked me for something positive about Covid, and more by Alison Green on February 14, 2023 It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go… 1. A hiring manager freaked out when I texted her personal cell number I recently tried to apply for a pharmacy tech trainee job at a local hospital. The website was down for a few days and it was impossible to reach anyone, so I decided to reach out to the pharmacy manager directly by looking her up on LinkedIn. I texted what she had listed as her work number on LinkedIn, explained my situation, and asked if she could please help me. It turns out she listed her personal number by mistake. She responded immediately, basically yelling at me through text with things like “what are you thinking contacting me like this,” “I should call the police,” “you will never get hired anywhere like this,” etc. Can you please explain why this happened and what if anything I should have done differently? Have times changed so much that it’s become totally unacceptable to reach out to someone directly for help in a situation like this? What else could I have done? It happened because the pharmacy manager overreacted. I can understand her being annoyed — she probably didn’t realize she had listed her personal number and figured you’d tracked her down some other way, which would be invasive and wrong — but she should have simply said, “This is my personal number and I don’t take work calls here.” Berating you and threatening to call the police was ridiculous. In retrospect, it probably wasn’t ideal to use a phone number you found on LinkedIn in a situation like this. Messaging her through the site to explain the situation and ask if there was another way to submit your application, sure. Calling the main hospital number to see if someone could give you a different way to apply, sure. But a lot of people really don’t like people tracking them down on their individual lines (even their work lines) about job applications unless they’ve specifically offered that option in the application instructions. Still, though, it’s not a big deal that you tried to, and none of that even comes close to warranting the over-the-top response. 2. Interviewer asked me for something positive about Covid I recently had a job interview that I was feeling good about until one of the interviewers asked a question that really threw me off. She asked for me to name something positive that I took away from the Covid-19 pandemic. I came up with something about how I realized a certain aspect of my career field is very important to me and how I need to make sure that it’s present in future jobs. Let’s say I work for a company that makes teapots. Working from home, where I never got to see the teapots, during the pandemic made me realize how much I love seeing the teapots and I want to make sure I’m always in a job where I get to see the teapots often. I ended up feeling like it was a weak response, since I wasn’t at all prepared for something like that. In reality, 2020 was probably the worst year of my life. I was almost completely isolated for more than a year, while simultaneously trying to handle the aftermath of a traumatic event that happened to me shortly before the pandemic. I was battling severe, nearly crippling, depression. These were the first things that popped into my head as soon as I heard the question. It was really hard for me to think of anything positive at all. Should I be prepared for interviewers to ask questions about my experience during the pandemic going forward? Most interviewers will not ask you to name something positive that came from Covid because that’s an inane — and, to many people, offensive — question. Any sensible interviewer should be aware they could be talking to someone who lost loved ones to Covid. That doesn’t mean you won’t encounter it — you could encounter all manner of bad questions in interview — but I wouldn’t start thinking of it as a new standard. However, I do think it’s worth being prepared for interviewers to ask you about your work experiences during the pandemic in general — like about how you adjusted to remote work (if you’re someone who switched then) or to changing conditions in your field, or so forth. You should be able to keep your answer focused strictly on the professional realm though and not delve into personal stuff. (This is also a good place to note that I wrote near the start of the pandemic that people wouldn’t need to worry about interviewers asking why they were out of work during Covid, and I turned out to be wrong. Some interviewers are asking that, although most will get it when you cite pandemic-related layoffs. Put it on the list of things that looked at the start of the pandemic like they would be common sense but turned out not be.) 3. For employee appreciation month, we’re supposed to teach each other our hobbies I’m writing for a pettiness check. As part of my company’s employee appreciation month, they’re asking volunteers to teach other employees non-work related stuff — think crocheting or gardening. No compensation is being offered, and no other employee appreciation events have been advertised. Is it petty for me to be upset about this? I almost said something about it and thought better of it, but I can’t seem to let it go. What do you think about it? Yeah, that’s BS. Their method of showing appreciation for employees is … to ask employees to do unpaid work? That’s it? This could be an interesting event in a different context, but it’s not well suited for employee appreciation. Things that are good for employee appreciation: time off, bonuses, recognition, food. Things that are not: extra work. I’m curious what would happen to their appreciation month if everyone declined to volunteer for the extra project. 4. How do I keep my staff on track when deadlines barely exist? I am a manager in a small professional services company with a dozen credentialed employees who are supported by non-credentialed staff. Similar to a law firm with lawyers and paralegals. I am one of the credentialed employees but I also manage some of our support staff. Deadlines tend to be long and relatively loose. For example, an employee needs to complete 30 reports in six weeks. In any one day, nothing is due and the workload is built with some give so people can take vacation, be sick, do personal development, etc. Some of my employees, who are typically three to 10 years into their career, really struggle with figuring out how to schedule their time. They seem to crave that looming deadline and burst of productivity that often comes with it. Unfortunately, doing six weeks of work in one doesn’t really work for our workflows and review structure. And I don’t love seeing people goof off and then work crazy hours for no reason. I don’t particularly want to create fake deadlines for them, that feels too much like micromanagement. Any other ideas? Ask them to create their own deadlines and share that plan with you — for example, “Can you build out a schedule for the next six weeks that proposes deadlines for review and finalization for each of the reports that will be due over that period?” Make it clear there’s room to adjust deadlines when needed — they don’t all need to be written in stone — but that the work does need to be planned out. To be clear, with some people this would be unnecessary — if someone establishes a track record of successfully managing their own work without that structure, then great, leave them to it. But when you’ve got people who aren’t doing that well, and are causing others to have to cram at the last minute to review their work, it’s sensible to ask for. Once that schedule exists, you can check in on progress against it periodically (especially easy to do if you’re using any kind of project management software, which sounds like it might be really useful here) or ask people to alert you if a deadline is in danger of being missed or just ask about looming deadlines during your check-ins, depending on which option seems to best fit the context and the person. 5. My employer messed up my tax withholdings I’m expecting to be disappointed but thought I would ask you if I have any recourse with a situation, or really a best plan of action, with a tax/W4 issue I just uncovered. I unexpectedly owe on my taxes instead of getting a refund. What I owe is a bit over a couple thousand dollars — an unexpected and decent chunk of change. After pulling my W2 and W4 and deciding I was going to get my taxes looked at by a professional and not just use my normal online service, it’s come to light that my employer didn’t process my W4 correctly. When I filled out my W4, I noted an additional $70 should be taken out each paycheck, and I get paid weekly. If that had been done, I most likely wouldn’t owe and perhaps would be getting a refund. I sent an email to HR asking for a detailed breakdown of my taxes and checks, and to see if they had documentation this was done correctly (I could, after all, be wrong!), but assuming that they didn’t process that additional withholding, do I have any recourse here? I’m guessing it will be “we just gave you that money each check every week” and they’re not going to pay me for it, but this has caused a serious disruption in my finances that I wasn’t expecting! I don’t have that money just lying around — especially when I was anticipating not having to owe! Assuming your pay was correct and it was only the tax withholdings that were messed up, you’re almost certainly just going to get an apology and a promise to correct it going forward. You’re generally responsible for reviewing your paystubs and ensuring that your withholdings are correct. It’s smart to take an especially close look with your first full paycheck and again every time your pay or any deductions change. If you need to, you can set up a payment plan with the IRS. I’m sorry I don’t have better news! You may also like:my boss kept calling my wife to find me ... and now he won't stop texting her apologies for all the callsmy boss sent me work questions while I was in the hospitalLinkedIn is sharing your data with AI -- unless you tell it not to { 719 comments }
update: I got in trouble for using a mouse jiggler … despite my excellent work by Alison Green on February 13, 2023 Remember the letter-writer who got in trouble for using a mouse jiggler despite their excellent work? Here’s the update. Thank you so much for your response! It was helpful and validating and gave me some additional perspective to process what happened. I thought I’d send you an update. Not long after I sent in the question, while you were on your December vacation, I started job-hunting. One of the jobs I applied for was especially intriguing, and I was offered that position (after using your resume and interview tips during the application and interview process!). What a blessing in disguise. I started at the new position making $10k more, have better benefits, and best of all, I don’t feel paranoid or mistrusted. I have a lot of autonomy to bring my strengths and skill set to the work I’m doing and am working with a fantastic team. To answer some issues that were raised in the comments: – I got the mouse mover because I knew of some other monitoring my company engaged in that seemed excessive (a former manager of mine got reprimanded for having her personal email open on her computer all day while she worked so that she could respond to a time-sensitive family matter because she had “spent all day on non-work-related websites”). – I understand and concede that there was a security risk involved in using a mouse mover, but I was not working with sensitive data or PPI. – My mouse mover was not plugged into my computer, nor was it software I installed. It still got detected. Just a note for other folks! – My job involved long-haul complex projects, not being constantly present for calls or other duties. No work got shoved off on teammates due to my work timing/habits and I never had complaints or questions about my availability to coworkers or outside parties. It’s nice to have that situation in the rearview mirror and know that I’m not willing to work for an employer that engages in similar tactics in the future. You may also like:I got in trouble for using a mouse jiggler ... despite my excellent workusing tracking software to monitor employees, leading the charge for women’s shorts, and morea happy ending { 202 comments }
my team doesn’t want managers to hang out with them by Alison Green on February 13, 2023 A reader writes: I manage a small tight-knit team. The people I’ve hired in the last two years socialize together quite a bit, which is great. The downside is they don’t invite me or the other managers; the junior members will hang out together and not invite the managers. The disappointing part of this is that this team has historically been very close and (we hoped) didn’t feel hierarchical. As we hire more people, I would prefer that the environment feel inclusive. It’s a little awkward when five people spent their weekend together and are talking about it and the remaining three weren’t invited. Recently at a team dinner, one of them said to someone outside the department that “everyone went” to an event together. The person asked me if I had gone and I said, I hadn’t been invited. My team member said I wouldn’t have gone anyway. The managers do have babies or life responsibilities that keep us from socializing together after hours. We also have more friends outside of work than most of the junior members so the likelihood of us participating is low. But we still would like to be asked and feel a little hurt to be left out while recognizing that the team should feel free to hang without being obligated to ask us to come. I guess they don’t want their managers to come along and that is tricky for us because we really encourage a “flat” culture and it’s put a small us vs. them vibe into the team. I’m not exactly sure the best way to handle this or if there’s anything to handle at all. I answer this question over at Inc. today, where I’m revisiting letters that have been buried in the archives here from years ago (and sometimes updating/expanding my answers to them). You can read it here. You may also like:my manager is ignoring my girlfriend's request not to call her when he's looking for memy needy boss wants me to "adopt" hermy coworkers all hang out without me { 186 comments }