Ask a Manager

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are four updates from past letter-writers.

1. Employer rejected me, then sent a list of everything I did wrong

Three or so years ago, I emailed you concerned about an interviewer who had sent me feedback for a job I didn’t get, including saying I lacked passion and some other stuff. (I was the one whose favorite book was Les Miserables and he said I was pretentious.)

As many commenters guessed, he WAS trying to hit on me in a negging sort of way. He later tried to ask me out via LinkedIn DMs. Needless to say, it did not work.

It took a while, and many other unsuccessful interviews (none of which were as rough as that one) but I eventually found a job in a field I had never considered, where I could put my writing skills to work with much less of a “bro culture” compared to writing for stocks/finances. I’m still in the job, got a huge promotion this year, and have even written articles about how great of a book Les Miserables is. It’s still my favorite and I still reread it regularly!

What prompted me to think of sending you an update is this: I recently as part of my job interviewed a long-time idol of mine, a celebrity I have looked up to for years, and he said to me at the end of the interview, apropos of nothing, that he had read some of my previous work and could tell how passionate I was about my writing and that he was so happy to be interviewed by someone so passionate about their work.

As for Mr. Interview Feedback, no idea how he’s doing, and no desire to know — but I’m in my dream job and happier than I ever thought I could be.

Thank you again for all of your advice.

2. Problem employee lashed out at me (#2 at the link)

The employee was laid off about a year after my email. He was very low-performing in hindsight, but I had very little to compare to at the time, him having been my first direct report. My boss several months later asked me if I thought he should be laid off, I said yes, and after a period given to the employee to job search while still employed (unsuccessfully), he was. (I believe he found a job within a year, but I think it was possibly a little lower level.)

It was somewhat of a shock to get your note that I wasn’t managing this person. It’s probably true that I wasn’t giving him strong enough feedback. But I did give him a LOT of coaching in work-related subjects, thus my shock. The loads of coaching didn’t help enough, though I sometimes wonder if it helped them later on with other jobs. In hindsight, your advice to manage more makes sense to me. Once I started giving stronger feedback, he reacted as you could have expected. One comment I remember is that he said, “You can’t compare me to twenty-something geniuses” after a comment I made that his performance was not measuring up to other (similarly compensated) analysts.

3. How to explain a family crisis to very demanding clients (#3 at the link)

I wrote in earlier this year wondering how to handle my emotionally needy clients’ reactions when I needed to be out-of-office sporadically while caring for a sick relative. Alison provided a great script, and the commentariat had a lot of helpful insight … and speculation on what, exactly, I was doing for work, where clients wouldn’t take “family emergency” for an answer.

I’ll get the sadder news out of the way first: I had to use this advice quite a bit, as my relative’s health declined and they passed away earlier this year. That said, I was shocked by how easy it was to deal with most clients, even the “needy” ones. I was massively overthinking this. I used Alison’s script almost word for word, but one commenter mentioned that these kinds of messages always felt “cold” to them, and I knew some of my clients would feel the same way. So for them, I’d start with “I wanted you to know,” so it felt more personal, before launching into the script. I’d end the messages with “… Since I’m back, I’m trying to get a bit ahead of schedule, so I know things are on track if I need to be away again.” And then I’d pivot into what I needed to keep their projects moving. I was anticipating a lot of responses hoping to help somehow, so framing “don’t ask questions and let me do my job” as a favor to me was wildly effective.

As for my industry: The folks who suggested editing and publishing were the closest. A lot of those comments were relatable! The thread about dogs texting their groomers also made me laugh during a tough time. Really, though, I build websites for a firm with a reputation for handling niche projects well. I have the technical skill to build the sites, but my main skills are organizing complex or confusing information and managing difficult personalities, so I get assigned our most unusual stuff. Much of what I do day-to-day is boring (ask me about my gravel database!) but I also have clients who are small nonprofits doing work they’re very emotionally invested in, or even individuals pursuing passion projects that I often compare to ghostwriting memoirs. These clients often share tons of really personal experiences to contextualize why certain things are so important to them. I’m translating people’s most dearly-held ideas, or beliefs, or experiences out of “thought” and into a format that other people can understand. There can be SO MUCH VULNERABILITY involved in sharing these thoughts and experiences, often for the first time, and a lot of anxiety about being misunderstood. Most projects are pretty creative in nature, and if you’ve ever nervously shared a creative endeavor of your own, you may know the fluttery, anxious, exposed feelings my clients experience. I’ve found that quick responses with reassurance and positive feedback help build the confidence they need to keep moving forward (so I can meet my deadlines.) The downside is that if I don’t respond as quickly as usual, the doubt sets in, and the whole project can grind to a halt until clients feel, emotionally, like they’re ready to move forward.

As a result, I had made managing clients’ feelings a key part of how I manage their projects … which was effective when I could do it, but clearly not sustainable. The last few months have made me realize that most of my “borderline” needy clients are taking their cues from me. If I treat them like they’re going to be unreasonable, they’ll be unreasonable. But if I simply expect them to manage their own feelings and get me what the project needs, most of them will do it. This worked wonderfully for the group I was most worried about in my initial letter: a community of nuns whose archives I’ve been digitizing. They’re notoriously particular and a little bit nosy, and were taking my slower emails very personally. But when I sent them the script, they just added my family to their prayer list and relaxed. A few clients were clearly upset that I wasn’t sharing more, and one in particular reached out to my boss to ask for more details, because they “found it hard to be open with me when they knew I was hiding things.” The advice here really galvanized me against these clients’ pushiness, though. If they want to be upset, that’s their business. My business is getting their projects done.

And to answer Alison’s question: I don’t think this is common behavior from clients in my industry. My company tends to attract (or, rather, tolerate) needy clientele more than others. Many clients come to us when other firms drop them. Historically, I’ve been good at keeping even the neediest clients feeling secure, so the neediest of them get assigned to me. I used to wear that like a badge of honor. Now? I’m not so sure.

4. I know who’s unvaccinated because of my job — can I use that info to make personal decisions? (#2 at the link)

Thank you for answering my question earlier this year about how to handle information at work that relates to my personal life/health. I decided you were ultimately right about needing to use a polite fiction that I did not know their kids weren’t vaccinated. I just told the families that we were “busy” any time they invited my kids somewhere. The wild cards in the situation were my kids themselves who are old enough to figure out something was up when we were not actually busy the day of the event we skipped.

Anyway, baby is here and healthy and on his way to being fully vaccinated!

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are three updates from past letter-writers.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

1. Working from a one-bedroom apartment with a baby and nanny

Thanks for answering my question!

I got a membership at a nearby co-working space and it has been great. My in-laws were staying near us and handling childcare over the summer; it turned out that I needed a little more personal space than four adults and a baby in a 600 square foot apartment could provide. I was grateful to have the option of a nearby tiny glass room of my own.

We got a nanny after my in-laws left the city and she has been amazing. As you have repeatedly written, it’s not easy to effectively manage a family member and I much prefer my relationship with my in-laws when I don’t have to ask them to change diapers. Thanks to you also for writing repeatedly about what it means to be a good employer; I have no desire to be a manager in my professional career, but I’m doing my best now that I have a household employee.

I’ve been able to keep breastfeeding my (extremely cute) baby! Also, my apartment is much nicer without a desk looming in the corner.

2. Managing a chatty employee when you need shorter answers

I wrote to you over a decade ago(!!) about an employee on my team who would respond to every question with an overly-involved answer, and asked for some advice on how to get more concise communication without making her feel defensive or like I wasn’t valuing her many years of experience. I thought it might be helpful to share a tactic that worked well for her and the rest of my team.

I did use some of your scripts and they worked temporarily, but what seemed to do the trick long-term was something that I learned in a management course a few months later: Imagine that every person has a bucket on their head, and the bucket must be filled with the information they need to do their job. Some people have a giant vat (i.e., needs to know the full context and history of everything before they can get started), and some people have a thimble (“Just point me in the right direction and I’ll take it from there, Boss!”) And sometimes it’s situational. So I introduced this in a team meeting, and it gave us all a shorthand to use when we asked each other questions about how much information we were looking for. “I’ve got to get this turned in within 15 minutes — can you give me a shot glass answer?” or “We are taking an hour to sit down and go over this in great detail. Give me the horse trough of info!”

This worked out for my team because it established a system that we could all use, and by setting the expectation up front of how much detail we needed from each other it was less frustrating all around. And it was amusing to see what silly vessels (a stiletto shoe, a wine bottle, a fish tank…) of information we could come up with.

Thanks to you and the commentariat for your many years of service and advice to those of us in the trenches!

3. I’ve been called for grand jury duty — and it would eat up 15% of my pay for the year (#3 at the link)

I asked earlier this year about how I could get my company to reassess their limited policy on jury duty in light of my summons for an 18-month-long grand federal district court jury duty summons. Ultimately, I was released from jury duty for medical reasons — three days before the first day of my summons I received news that I had a mass in my breast and I was being referred to my city’s cancer institute for surgical intervention and treatment. I was able to use this as my reason to be released. (I will be having surgery in December and it took several appointments, MRIs and biopsies to get to that plan, which would have been extremely difficult if I would have had to navigate around the grand jury duty dates, so I am extremely grateful that I was released in August before the brunt of the appointments were scheduled.) But I wanted to give you some details about what happens when you’re called for grand jury duty.

When I arrived that morning, having driven 90 minutes to the city where it was held, I entered the jury room at 9 am and was one of about 110 people. I was juror number 200 and last on the list alphabetically so I know that they released a lot of people online before that day. The judge explained they would be seating 38 people, 23 jurors and 15 alternates! Shen then started asking her qualifying questions where if the item applied to us, we would stand up and explain our situation, and she would release us if necessary. The first questions were whether anyone worked in law enforcement or a fire department, the military, held elected office, and then she asked about work commitments. She asked it in a very specific way: is there anyone who is the owner or sole proprietor of a company that will be unable to do business or would shut down because you were serving on jury duty? That didn’t apply to me but several people stood up. She released a general contractor, the director of a day care, a member of the military (who asked to speak to her at the bench away from the rest of us), and a few others before asking for teachers or child care workers. Another 10 people were released after that question. Next she asked for medical reasons for release. I stood up here, along with several others. We were led one by one to the bench for privacy. I tearfully explained that I had been referred for treatment (it was still very fresh news) and she very kindly asked if I would like to be released. I said yes, and she did so. I was on my drive home by 10:30 am. I received a check for $166 a few weeks later for the day’s pay and mileage reimbursement. I don’t know what additional questions the judge asked the potential jury members, but I do know she said there would be an opportunity where someone could ask to be released for reasons she didn’t cover in her qualifying questions. After all that, I didn’t need to speak with my HR group about their policy, and I assume they have no plans to revisit it.

We were told by the jury staff that we can be called back after two years, and I can still be called to my actual local jurisdiction for normal jury duty at any time, so I will likely have another opportunity to explore the jury duty policy when that occurs.

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are four updates from past letter-writers.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

1. An employee showed up for a video training while lounging in bed and smoking

I appreciate that you took time to graciously answer my question, and I am grateful to the readers for their comments as well.

Since I am not “Wynn’s” manager, but do have some influence as a more senior person who provides training and limited supervision, I escalated my concerns to my manager, “Jim.” I did my best to be as fair as possible in my assessment since I did not know if there was an accommodation made for Wynn. Jim listened to me but did not comment on next steps beyond instructing me to let him know if I see anything else concerning. He later shared with me that Wynn is often unreliable, blaming their lateness on a variety of issues — alarm didn’t go off, car breaking down, repeated pet and family difficulties, etc. An additional major issue with Wynn rose to what I would consider a “put them on a PIP” offense and I was informed that Wynn got additional coaching from management about it. Jim seems to be at a point of frustration with Wynn over these issues and my concerns about the training session are less pressing than those.

I’m afraid I have no resolution to offer you or the readers yet. Wynn continues to arrive late at times and makes missteps in communication and job performance. However, beyond sharing my observations on the impact to our organization, I have no authority to make changes. It’s a management issue more than a “me” issue. Maybe Wynn is already on a PIP? It’s not in my job description to know and I am content with that.

My organization is looking to hire an additional manager to help with quality and ongoing training. If Wynn works with this new manager, maybe they will make the changes and growth needed. I hope that Wynn improves and can thrive at our organization. I will keep you posted.

I am very thankful to you and the wisdom you’ve shared in your blog. Your tips on resumes and cover letters helped me get the job that I am in now. It is a perfect blending of the two very different fields I have worked in and, despite the issues that prompted me to write in, I am happy in my work. You have made an impact on many people!

Yours,
“I haven’t seen a mattress recently!”

2. Can we tell clients work didn’t get done because our old manager sucked? (#4 at the link)

Firstly, I’m grateful your commenters for pointing out that I was looking for the wrong thing. I wanted accountability so much because in my previous workplace — where I am now is basically okay, the previous place was a hellscape — featured a boss who could not be trusted about anything, and I think I’m still getting over his nonsense even eight years later! (If I’d known about AAM when I was working at that place, he would have been the source of seven or eight letters on his own.)

Zephaniah is not fondly remembered except by a few clients for his “easy-going” attitude. We’ve largely repaired the damage he caused and things are under control, though this is entirely from what we did on the ground to fix things. We’ve also had a change in leadership — big boss decided to retire early and the board chose not to give demi-boss her role so he moved on as well. It’s still too early to really say what the new big boss is like but a lot of the resentment stemming from former big boss’s management style is gone. I did have one conversation with my division lead where he outright admitted that the leadership chose to manage Zephaniah out rather than actively handle his incompetence directly because “that’s how you fire people here” (it’s not). So while we never got a steer from management about what to do about Zephaniah’s legacy, at least that legacy is fading fast.

The three things that have most helped my morale are, first, I took advantage of our health plan’s therapy sessions and realized I can be more relaxed about my own situation, so I’m feeling a lot more secure now; second, I’m now shomer shabbat, and having one day a week where I make sure to disconnect from work completely has done wonders for my mental health; and third, I got onto the work DEIJ committee which under new big boss is a paid responsibility. So I have a concrete, constructive way to hold leadership accountable and improve our practices. I’m doing about the same amount of work, but I feel a lot better that my “above and beyond” goes to improve accessibility for colleagues and clients rather than doing damage control.

3. I can see someone having sex from my office window (#2 at the link)

As these things are wont to do, it worked itself out. The couple who were in that apartment moved and it has been taken over by someone who instead appears to spend literally the whole day working out, which feels like a much lower risk situation to be happening when I’m chatting with my manager!

The advice in the comments tended to be a little more … aggressive than I was hoping for. A few people suggested I go and talk to the building concierge, try and track down the apartment myself, or even call the police (?!) which felt a little extreme! I did appreciate the suggestion for stained glass window hangings to put up in strategic locations, and might track some down just for the decoration.

4. My employee never remembers to save things on our shared drive, no matter how many reminders she gets

You and the commenters were completely right — my issue wasn’t really with the shared drive. But putting everything in there first had created a lot of visibility for her work and I was finding more errors than before, I was cleaning up after her more often and was just generally disappointed with her and her work. Instead of talking to her about it though, and providing clear expectations, I got frustrated and became a bad manager. I’m not sure how much of that was coming through my letter, but I didn’t like how I was handling my frustration with her. Just being short and unkind. It wasn’t who I like to be as a manager. A bit after I wrote in, but before you published my letter. My manager came to tell me that Ashley had come to him and was complaining about me. I wish she’d come to me with it, but since I was being equally bad at communication, I can’t really blame her for that.

My manager and I talked, and we realized that I needed to fix my relationship with Ashley, first. I was never going to address the issues with her work if I couldn’t have an honest conversation with her. So I took her to coffee and we had a heart-to-heart. I apologized for how I was communicating and gave her a clear list of expectations I had for her work. She apologized for how she was hiding when she messed up, how annoyance at me was making her even worse at remembering to do things, and promised to hit her daily tasks every day or at least ask for help when something was preventing her. We both agreed to communicate better and to not leave things in chat that should be talked about face to face.

It was really good! It turns out that Ashley is the kind of person that needs extremely clear expectations. She can’t proactively see what needs to be done for the day, or what’s the best thing to prioritize. Which is fine, that’s what I’m here for, it was just so different than how the rest of my team operates, it made it hard to see I guess. I won’t say everything is perfect. Ashley does no more than what’s on her expectation list, even if we are very busy and there is clearly more work to do. She still makes mistakes and I still have to check in and on her more frequently than anyone else. She still forgets to put things in the shared drive sometimes. But, we can talk about it now. And I believe that makes both our work lives better.

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

Remember the letter-writer wondering whether she could bring a friend-with-benefits back to her hotel on a work trip? Here’s the update.

My friend and I did connect during the first night of the conference. The rest of my team unpacked and went to an unofficial happy hour, and I told them I was grabbing dinner with a friend (with full support/approval from my manager). She and I ate, went back to the hotel (where all my coworkers except me were in adjacent rooms, by some miracle), and then she left around 10 pm. I got a full night’s sleep and was focused for the rest of the conference! I spent all the following evenings either wandering around the city alone or having dinner with coworkers.

I mentioned this in a comment on my initial letter, but I’ll say it again: My friend and I are lesbians, which may have been an important bit of context for people worried about discretion/plausible deniability. For better or for worse, I think that when most people see two relatively femme women getting dinner and heading to hang out privately, they’re more likely to assume platonic intentions than, for instance, if they saw a man and a woman doing the same. I am out at work, but heteronormativity is strong and I doubt that any of my colleagues would’ve batted an eye if we had run into them.

Thanks to Alison and all the commenters who gave me tips on workplace norms around evening obligations at conferences. This one didn’t have much going on after 5 pm, even unofficially, but knowing that there could be evening events helped me set my expectations better for the time I was there.

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

Remember the letter-writer whose boss wouldn’t do anything about their terrible (mean, insulting, and disrespectful) employee? Here’s the update.

He’s GONE, fired a couple of weeks ago!

It took much longer than it should have and we still don’t have a satisfactory reason why the boss wouldn’t cut him loose.

It got much worse before it came to a head. The guy has extreme anger issues, problems with authority, possible female authority, and was incapable of getting along with anyone who worked here. He is just an awful person who is in need of deep counseling.

I continued to get reports over the last year from a couple of the guys about his hatred for me. Quotes attributed to him:
a. “What f****** idiot made THAT decision ?” (in reply to my scheduling a job, which is part of my job; apparently he disagreed)
b. “Let me make this clear, that b**** isn’t in charge of ANYTHING!”
c. “I wish that b**** would die.”

Recently he decided to pick out a fellow worker who he knew had an excellent working relationship with me and made passive-aggressive threats to another employee, saying charming things like, “I’ll go all workplace violence on him.” This was reported to boss and the target of his threat told the boss that was enough for him and he needed to do something. That got the ball rolling.

I finally had heard enough and was very tired of being afraid to come to work. If by some last minute change in scheduling, he and I were to be in the building alone together, I just left for my own safety. Two of the guys really had my back and watched out for me. They stayed later than they had to just to make sure I was OK and not left alone with him. It was exhausting and I hated that I had to be afraid of this world-class turd.

I sat down with my boss and said that I felt unsafe coming to work and that it was his responsibility to keep me safe and that he was failing miserably. No ultimatum was given, as I think those often backfire miserably. He finally understood!

I don’t think I will ever understand why he was so hesitant to fire the guy, maybe someday we will have that talk. I don’t want to make excuses for boss and this is what I still find so confusing: he is one of the best people I have ever known. He is an exceptional person and (other than this) treats all of us extremely well.

So my boss asked for a couple of weeks before firing the guy. A holiday was coming up and we were swamped. I wholeheartedly agreed as I was just happy he understood.

The next day, my boss walks into my office, says he’s firing the guy right now, and did I want to leave? Answer: yes.

10 minutes later, he called me and said he was gone.

Turns out the boss had heard the guy saying something derogatory about the company (maybe me?) and that he had a job interview the next day. I am befuddled to think that was the first time he’d ever heard the guy say awful things, and that wasn’t bad at all!

I waited a couple of weeks before updating as I wanted to see if there was any fallout.
First, we replaced him with a much better person already, and that was extremely easy and painless. Second, EVERYONE who works here is relieved! Everyone is happy, relaxed and we were almost immediately back to the excellent company we used to be. It truly is like night and day. I love my job again, and the boss and I are back to our normal selves, working hard but laughing and joking all day.

Thank you, Alison, for publishing my question/problem and thank you to the commentariat for all your advice!

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past.

Remember the letter-writer asking if it would look unprofessional to have stickers on their wheelchair at work (#3 at the link)? Here’s the update.

Now that I have graduated and got my first post-uni job, I thought I would give an update. I really appreciated your reassurance about my wheelchair stickers as I was super anxious about it at the time.

I ended up completing two internships while using my wheelchair and the decorations weren’t an issue at all. The first was at a local indie bookstore, so it actually fit the vibe pretty well, and the second was a mostly remote summer internship in a department at my university.

I never found out how my decorations would fare in the professional world though, as last summer I unexpectedly underwent a surgery that has greatly improved my ability to walk! I now only use my wheelchair very occasionally and, while still far from able-bodied, I can get around mostly okay with a crutch. I have hopes of improving further in the future!

I now work a few days a week in an office, and do my freelance dream job from home the rest of the time. I never thought I’d be capable of this, but the surgery has truly changed my life.

I think if I ever return to needing a wheelchair full time, I will buy a patterned spokeguard (like Izzy Wheels style) and keep my old stickered ones as a memento instead. It’s not that I think the stickers would be a problem at my current job, but more I feel the way I want to present myself has changed, and having started work I’m realizing the benefit of being able to choose which bits of my personality and hobbies to reveal at a time, rather than having it all there on show.

Thank you again for your advice and the site. I’ve read every day since 2021 and it’s helped me through every internship, job interview, and work problem I’ve ever had.

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are four updates from past letter-writers.

1. My younger coworker thinks I don’t know anything about computers (#2 at the link)

I followed your advice and sat down with her in private and discussed the whole issue. The rudeness, the condescension, the age discrimination. She seemed to have had no idea she was doing it and apologized. I then laid out my past experience with computers, starting in the dim dark ages of the 1970s up to now.

Things have improved. She occasionally starts off (to me), “To do that, you have to …” then she trails off and stops. I’ll call it a win. The boss did ask if I’d spoken to her and I said yes. He said, “Did you hurt her?” and I said no.

Someone in the comments mentioned younger users not really understanding file structures and organization and, given that she buries things 12 folders deep, I’d say she’s in that camp.

2. How do I tell my team member to be less uptight? (#4 at the link)

I took your advice and honed in on where Adam was not succeeding in his role professionally. I repeatedly gave him detailed feedback on where his work needed to improve. Unfortunately, the improvements were not forthcoming, clients began to complain and I ended up having to redo all his work, late into the night again and again.

I gave Adam a good heads-up that he would not pass his probation, which, in my mind, should have signalled alarm bells and to start the job hunt immediately. I wanted him to land on his feet and not be left stranded without a job.

With clients at risk of leaving us because of Adam’s poor work and other staff already guessing he would not last, I made the decision to end his employment and invited him to an in-person meeting. I explained to him a week beforehand the purpose of the meeting. Unfortunately, despite thinking I had made it clear what was happening, Adam was blindsided by the news that he was being let go. It was quite a sad departure, and I had hoped it could have gone better. I am very aware that things we say as managers can leave a mark and be remembered forever, and I was very careful to be as kind as I could be rather than to leave him crushed.

On reflection, I think Adam needed more 1-2-1 time in-person from me, but I work almost fully remote. I think he needed coaching in a way I would expect from a far more junior position. I also wonder if Adam was somewhere on the spectrum (and whether he knows or not), and if I needed to adapt my instructions and cues to resonate more. A big learning from me is to be more ruthless in interviews in really interrogating skillsets and any resume gaps.

I have discovered that Adam managed to find a job fairly quickly in a similar role but in a very different type of company. I really hope he has a manager and mentor who will oversee his writing and continue to make him perfect the craft. And, I hope he will be happy and find his professional strengths and really blossom. I really do wish him well.

3. How to explain an angry ex-employee is review-bombing us on Glassdoor (#3 at the link)

Having been at this place a bit longer, I think I see where the bad reviews are coming from. It’s not exactly what a lot of people in the comments thought!

When someone messes up big, leadership seems to believe in having boundary-violating “heart-to-hearts” that encourage said employee to blame everything on deep emotional issues that become the company’s business. Then, depending on how much they cry and “come clean,” they’re allowed to proceed as if nothing happened? For some reason? Even if they repeatedly do things that would merit an immediate firing someplace more functional? And then, eventually, months to years and many crying conversations about their trauma later, these people finally get let go.

The end result is that every person who should be out within their first week is allowed to stay an unbearably long time, most of which they spend totally convinced they were in the right about things like trying to get AI to do all their work, lying repeatedly that their work was done and ready to send to clients when it had never been started, harassing coworkers, turning out not to have the technical skills they claimed when hired, and so on. Upper management spends so much time and effort placating these weirdos, and engages them in such intimate conversations about their mental wellbeing, that they are always shocked and indignant when their bosses, who have been acting like close friends and/or bad therapists, finally give them the boot. The rightfully fired then invariably respond by writing at least one, but sometimes two or three, totally unglued Glassdoor reviews about it.

It’s such a weird situation. We have many more of those bad reviews now than we did when I first asked you about it, each one a distortion of reality from a person who should objectively have been gone sooner — and yet, they’re accidentally right about one thing: This place is toxic.

I have a ritual now where I microwave a little popcorn to eat while reading the latest reviews. Sometimes my better coworkers and I forward around the more delusional ones. Then I go back to covering the work of whoever lied about meeting their deadlines this week, fielding angry Teams messages from the conflict-prone people who haven’t cycled through our bizarre disciplinary process yet, and applying for work elsewhere.

Update to the update:

I got an offer for a new job with a 30% raise 48 hours after writing you my last email. My boss and other leadership keep saying how surprised they are, which I assume is because nobody usually leaves this place without having dozens of overly emotional meetings about it and they don’t know how to handle an employee who just calmly peaces out.

My HR person wrote an email this morning setting up a last-minute meeting to pressure me to sign some paperwork on the spot, so I emailed back to ask if I could receive and go over said paperwork ahead of time. Weirdly for people who are obsessed with having long, detailed discussions about their employees’ private lives, upper management seems to have forgotten I’m married to a lawyer.

4. Should I tell a colleague people think she’s having an affair with a coworker?

I took Alison’s advice and left it alone – and fortunately, they both made it easier for me by kind of freezing me out for my notice period. I’ve hardly spoken to them since I left, but the twist in the tale is that they have both now also left my old company to start a new business together!

I don’t imagine I’ll ever find out if they were or weren’t having an affair but as the commentariat pointed out, whether they were or not, the vibe their behavior created was super strange and uncomfortable to be around, and I’m glad to have moved on.

Thank you for your advice, both on this matter and in general!

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are five updates from past letter-writers.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

1. My 2 dating employees are cuddling in staff meetings

Here’s an update on this one: initially one member of the couple was very reasonable after I talked to them, using very similar language to your suggestions (honestly, you confirmed my instincts about how to address it and gave me some concrete phrasing!). The other one said PDA was something she enjoyed doing at work but agreed to stop.

The PDA did mostly stop, but it was obvious that one person was trying to pressure the other into going back to it. After a few months, the person who had been initiating more PDA began to express frustration with regular parts of her job (e.g. speaking to customers, working evenings) and let it impact her customer service. Any time anyone attempted to discuss this with her or seek solutions, she would bring up the fact that I had told her and her partner to stop kissing and cuddling in the store as evidence that management was picking on her. During this time, two straight, cis people started dating and had a similar setting of PDA expectations, so this was a tough argument for her to lean on.

She quit about six months later after she tried to secretly record her performance review (in a two-party consent state) but her partner still works at the store very happily. I think I had a sense that “no PDA at work” would be an issue for this particular person, which is why I wrote in. One commenter wrote, “It’s kind of cute to see baby queers having the same struggles that I’ve seen baby straights have at work” which was also the perspective I was coming from. I myself am queer and (although queer people are not exempt from transphobia!) was trying to help these two navigate melding their first job and first relationship professionally, with a personal understanding of how LGBTQ folks are often hyper-visible, especially with regards to PDA — and also knowing that the amount of PDA from this couple was not acceptable for our workplace. Thanks for your advice!

2. Should I tell an employee that the new hire sitting right across from him all day is unvaccinated?

I wrote in a couple of years ago with a dilemma about how to handle having privileged info on COVID vaccination status and medical vulnerability status of employees and how to handle it.

It was good to see your response and the discussion in the comments, because it confirmed for me that it was a tough call to make because of “break the law but reduce infection risk” vs “follow the law but maybe put vulnerable people at risk” considerations meant there was no obvious one best answer.

The update is not exciting, but in this case, that’s a good thing.

I decided to not say anything directly to either of the employees in question, upholding the confidentiality requirements of my role at work. It helped (e.g., allowed me to sleep at night) to have seen the advice, comments about how it’s up to each of us to take reasonable precautions as we see fit and that the employee with the medically vulnerable family member was able to choose to mask up (out of caution, assuming anyone could be unvaccinated or coming down with something) or request a change in workstation, if they felt it was necessary. I also let managers know that I’d help with approval of new workstations, etc. if they had employees requesting to move to create more social distancing.

Since it was October, I wound up issuing general reminders to ALL employees about sensible precautions to prevent disease spread to ALL employees, things like frequent hand washing, wearing masks if you might have been exposed to something, covering nose and mouth if sneezing, coughing, noting that updated flu and COVID-19 vaccines are available free of charge at local pharmacies, etc. etc. I posted one of those “stop the spread” notices in a few places as a reminder.

The good news: as far as I know, no one spread COVID to anyone at work or beyond (though one person was out with it after catching it at a music festival) The two coworkers wound up having a good, collaborative work relationship after they got to know each other and said goodbye with tears in their eyes when the employee with the vulnerable family member recently left, moving away due to a spouse’s new job. And the family member’s health situation is much better, still higher risk for complications if they catch something, but they’re no longer facing health crisis after health crisis.

Reading my question again was a good reminder for me refresh those “Stop the Spread” notices, reminders again for the new flu season, and to keep in mind that anyone could have a vulnerable family member or be unvaccinated, and to act accordingly, schedule my own vaccines, boosters, etc. Oh, and I’m still the work-place safety nerd, reminding people to wear eye protection, safety gloves and putting away knives, scissors, open box cutters I come across laying around.

3. My assistant stands when women come in (#4 at the link)

As many of the commenters suggested, my assistant stands when it is someone who is higher up on the organizational chart/”superior officers.” That makes sense, and isn’t an issue in my organization. I don’t need to change it or address it in any way.

A positive update: the vibe in the office had seemed overly formal. I think that may have had more to do with my predecessor and her interactions with the executive assistant, than the assistant himself. I’m much less formal and generally chatty. He seems to be greatly appreciative of that and appears less stressed, and the office feels different.

I’d been concerned about some performance issues, and since we’ve made this transition, they have gone away. He is an enormous help, we’ve been working together on communication styles, and generally the vibe is better. I’ve only been in this promotion for a month, and some outside factors made it much more hectic. He has been amazing at juggling the tasks and keeping me on track. As an example, he just popped in with a family member who he had lunch with, to introduce them. He’s worked for us for five years and never done that. Really glad to have a more welcoming feeling in our office.

4. My boss suggested I work from home while still taking a sick day (#3 at the link)

I wrote to you back in 2023 about being told to take a sick day if I wanted to WFH. I said in the initial question that it was pretty low-stakes but I was curious if her suggestion violated any laws. I realized this was just the tip of the iceberg — I wrote in about my manager’s suggestion because I was worried about the really toxic behavior I’d seen from leadership, including my manager: bullying, insults, cruel gossip, you name it. I also finally realized that, while my workload had been unsustainable for years, and I had been asking for help with that for years, it was never going to happen. My big takeaway was that the entire handbasket’s infernal journey was accelerating, and that I needed to get out. I had been applying here and there, but I got serious about it (when I had the energy thanks to overwork and constant “emergencies”).

In May, a little more than a year after I wrote to you, I read a job posting and said, “They’re looking for me!” and I was right. I started my new job in September. It’s amazing so far, my team is great, and I’m able to do work I enjoy with a realistic workload. My job also enabled us to move to a new area, which we’ve wanted to do for a few years.

As for my former office, it’s getting worse by the day. The worst of the Mean Girl clique has been telling her team (about a third of my workload went over to them and promptly overwhelmed them, even distributed across 10 people) that I “screwed over the office” by leaving. I also suspect that she’s the person who told my old grandboss that I had deleted my handover files (I did not), resulting in an accusation and vague threats about getting IT to “figure out what really happened”.

Thank you so much for everything you do. Even though you didn’t tell me “your boss sucks and isn’t going to change,” once I realized that in fact, my boss and workplace sucked, the next inevitable piece was “and nothing is going to change,” so I did the smart thing and got out.

5. Are offers to stay in touch with old coworkers really sincere?

You answered my question back in 2016 about staying in touch with old coworkers.

My update is that it was my old boss who reached out first with a party invite, a few months after I’d left. I attended and it was lovely to see everyone again. About six months later there was another great party to catch-up at. After those two parties, I became really busy with life things and didn’t end up reaching out to anyone for coffee. But I still occasionally email my old boss and colleagues.

I thought of your advice again recently when leaving a job and when my boss and coworkers from there reached out I took their offers with sincerity and met up with them again.