a higher-up is pushing an unwanted volunteer on us by Alison Green on February 1, 2023 A reader writes: This descriptor is helpful and accurate, so I’m going to borrow it: “I work in a cultural/academic/nonprofit institution, and am part of a professional community small enough that I don’t wish to identify it, lest one of my colleagues identify me.” There’s a hierarchy within my institution, and someone (Martha) higher up than me and my boss, but outside of our department, has a disabled son (Edward). Edward is an adult in occupational therapy, and that’s about the extent of the details that I know. A while ago, Martha sent my boss an email asking if there was anything that Edward could do as volunteer work for his occupational therapy. Part of the mission of my department is to assist the people at Martha’s level in the hierarchy, so my boss didn’t feel that we could refuse Edward’s help as a volunteer. I should note that our institution does not ordinarily accept volunteers and we have no volunteer program nor volunteer manager. My job is to receive a large number of valuable and occasionally rare items and make them available for everyone else in the institution to use — quickly. Normally I have a part-time employee who helps me with part of this process and does something that our department considers easy work. Because of pandemic-era budget cuts, we haven’t had someone consistently working in that position for a while. My boss decided that Edward’s volunteer time would be best spent doing the work of that position. We’ve had some problems though: 1. Edward doesn’t work on any set schedule, and Martha has ignored or steamrolled over all attempts I’ve made at creating one. I have busy and slow periods in my own work depending on what comes in for me. If he worked on a schedule, I’d plan out what he would do. As it is though, I must plan on him not being in, and I have to do the tasks I would normally assign to him so that they get done on time. We keep ending up in situations where either I have lots of work that Edward could do and I am told that he is not available to volunteer, or I have nothing for him to do because I have not heard from Martha that he will be working. 2. Martha treats me like a work-creation-machine for Edward. She will inform — not ask — me that he will be working with about two hours notice. She has gone so far as to track me down in other parts of the building when she couldn’t find me at my desk and interrupted my lunch break several times to tell me this. I can’t invent work for him out of thin air, and although my boss realizes that, she also worries that disappointing Martha will have negative consequences for our department. 3. Martha demands sometimes that Edward be able to work on days that no one in our department is at work. They are able to get into the department through a connecting door that is kept open by another department that needs access to ours. But as I said, the items I work with are valuable, and if something went missing while Martha and Edward were in our department, my boss and I would be accountable for it and suspected of stealing it because of the nature of our profession. 4. Edward is terrible at the work he’s assigned. The work requires good fine motor skills, and he doesn’t have them. I’ve had to reassign employees in the past because they had difficulty with it, and this isn’t a result of his disability or something we could have anticipated. I have had to train Martha and several other people who come in with Edward so that they can know how to help Edward while he works, but they aren’t concerned about the quality of his work. I end up having to redo about 30% of what he does. I’ve told Edward and whoever is with him that if something goes wrong they need to bring the item back to me so that I can fix it, but it doesn’t happen. My boss and I keep trying to figure out how we can make this arrangement work for all of us, or if there’s really nothing we can do at this point. Right now, we’re at a point where Martha will walk in and demand work, but I’ll tell her that there’s really nothing to be done, because there isn’t. Do we just keep going and hope it eventually breaks down until they find some more consistent volunteer work somewhere else? Actually demand a schedule? Tell Martha this just isn’t working out? Is there some better way to work this out? If you weren’t having to redo a third of Edward’s work, I’d say that your boss needs to insist on a schedule for Edward’s work. It’s entirely reasonable to say that your work isn’t set up to accommodate volunteers on short notice and that the only way to make this work is to agree on a schedule in advance. If that doesn’t suit Edward, then this isn’t the right volunteer opportunity for him. But since you’re having to redo a third of his work — along with all the other issues, like having to scramble at the last minute to devise projects, his resistance to direction (like “bring this back to me if something goes wrong with it”), and not being able to count on him to show up when you’ve planned work for him — that’s not enough of a solution. Really, the only thing that makes sense here is for your boss to talk to Martha and let her know you can no longer use Edward as a volunteer. (Or she could explain this to Edward himself if that would be appropriate, but it sounds like Martha would expect to hear this directly.) I get that she’s concerned about disappointing Martha, but this is so disruptive to your work that at this point it’s the only thing that makes sense. It’s one thing to try to accommodate a personal request from a higher-up when it only causes a little inconvenience — maybe not ideal, but sometimes the reality of hierarchy and politics is that it’s smart to do someone a personal favor anyway — but when the request is this disruptive to someone’s work, your boss really has a professional obligation to push back. Speaking of which, if she hasn’t already, your boss should talk to her own manager about what’s going on. That way her manager won’t be blindsided if there’s blowback … and plus, she might have insight into how to deal with Martha or might even be willing to handle it herself. Based on how pushy and unreasonable Martha has been so far, I know it might seem like she definitely won’t accept this! And that’s possible … but keep in mind that no one has tried telling Martha no yet. Everything she’s seen so far has indicated that you’re willing to keep trying (even if she should have read between the lines and seen the struggle her demands have been causing), and it really might go differently once she hears a firm and decided “we’ve tried what we can but we aren’t able to make this work.” Or not, of course — some people are just unreasonable and ridiculous no matter what. But your boss should try a clear no first! (And after that, if Martha keeps pushing past a point your boss feels she has the standing to handle on her own, that’s where her own boss should come in.) You may also like:my boss wants me to ask a rejected problematic job candidate to volunteerI'm too sick to do a volunteer job -- but they're insisting I attend anywaymy coworker keeps saying he's my boss ... he's not { 218 comments }
how can I get my employees to be more comfortable figuring things out on their own? by Alison Green on February 1, 2023 A reader writes: I’ve been a manager for a few years, and I’ve been working hard to build my bench. I keep running into an issue where I assign an employee a new task with as much lead time as I can manage, and their first response is, “Can you show me how?” Throughout my own career, I’m rarely been given 100% of the information. I’m given a new report to run, or asked to find a piece of data. Most of the time I play around and figure it out, and if I get stuck, I’ll come back with “I tried A and B and those ways don’t seem to work, is there a different way to approach this or someone I can talk to?” Nothing I’m assigning is outside the capabilities or bandwidth of the employees, and when I’ve pushed them to try by themselves, they almost always figure it out pretty easily. I’ve had success with letting them know if they want to check in with me after trying in a week, I can make some time, but not every task can come with an in-depth training. I’m spending my time with the more advanced tasks with even less information! When I’m hiring, I’ve made sure to include questions about what to do when you don’t have all the information, and I make sure my staff know that they have my support if there is a problem with the work the first time. How do I get my team to get more comfortable swimming in the deep end? I answer this question — and three others — over at Inc. today, where I’m revisiting letters that have been buried in the archives here from years ago (and sometimes updating/expanding my answers to them). You can read it here. Other questions I’m answering there today include: What should I do about a candidate with an arrest for urinating in public? How much time to give candidates for take-home exercises What to wear on a plane with coworkers You may also like:how to tell an employee he needs to figure some things out himselfhow to tell an employee to stay in their laneI'm in trouble for re-sorting a coworker's trash -- and I'm enraged { 213 comments }
my company won’t promote people who work from home by Alison Green on February 1, 2023 A reader writes: Before the pandemic, my company did not have the option to work remotely. When the pandemic hit, they were legally required to close our office because we are not essential workers. We were fully remote for a while and no one was allowed to go to the office for any reason. When the public health orders lifted and things began opening up, our office did reopen. The company owns the building we work in, but since then they have rented some of the floors to other companies and kept the rest of it for us. When things reopened, the company gave employees three choices: #1) work exclusively remote/from home #2) work exclusively in the office #3) work in the office four days a week and from home one day a week (same day every week) Predictably, #1 was the most popular option but not everyone chose it. There are many people who chose the second and third option. The company is not allowing anything outside of these three options for anyone. It has been almost two years of the current system. Everyone who gets promoted from within is a person who is doing either option #2 or option #3. Those who are going into the office are also getting to lead projects and getting more opportunities and other perks. It seems that the company is ignoring the people who are working from home. I have brought this to the attention of my own manager and the higher-ups and board of directors. The answer I received was not satisfactory. There was lots of talk about networking, face time with the management who are almost exclusively in office (I am not but most of my peers and the people above me are), commitment, and collaboration. HR was not helpful at all and I even had a consultation to get legal advice. It seems the company is not doing anything that’s against the law because they are not doing it against a particular demographic. But I still think it is a really crappy thing to do to remote workers. I have heard the same concerns from other people at different companies in my industry and even from people outside of it. My husband is in a completely different field and is having the same thing happen. My company is clear that things are not going to change. It is not affecting recruiting. We are still getting hundreds of applications for job openings. I am not happy about this and neither are my employees who work remotely. Any advice you have would be greatly appreciated. Your company has been really clear that this is how they’re going to handle things so … this is how they’re going to handle things. You’ve got to decide if you want to stay knowing that this is how it’s going to be, or if it bothers you enough that you’ll leave over it (or switch to working from the office, apparently). I agree with you that it’s crappy management. Promotions and other professional opportunities should be based on merit — your skills, your contributions, and your track record of achievement. If you’ve demonstrated that you can meet ambitious goals and collaborate effectively with others while working from home, it makes no sense not to consider you for promotions or to lead projects just because you’re not on-site. And if that is going to be their policy, they owed it to employees to be up-front about that from the start when people were picking where they would work from. They also need to be up-front about it with prospective employees now. To be clear, I’d be more fine with them saying that the bar for promotions would be higher for people working exclusively from home — that you’d need to demonstrate very clearly your ability to effectively build relationships, lead projects, and manage staff without being on-site. Those things can be more difficult when you’re working from home, and it’s not unreasonable to want to see real evidence that promotion candidates will be able to succeed at them. But it’s silly that even if you do that — even if you do it superbly, better than their on-site candidates — they still won’t consider you. At this this point, though, you’ve escalated it to your manager, people above your manager, and even the board of directors (!). This is the way the company wants to run. You’re very unlikely to change that, absent some massive push from a large group of coworkers (including, potentially, unionization), or a significant drop in the company’s ability to recruit the candidates they want, or big retention problems among the employees they most want to keep. You may also like:does working remotely harm your chances of advancement?are remote workers more likely to be laid off?should we give extra sick days to employees who can't work from home? { 292 comments }
my mentor has a shady side business, drinks that look like beer but aren’t, and more by Alison Green on February 1, 2023 It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go… 1. I just found out my mentor does an MLM on the side I was assigned a teammate (Eric) as my mentor about a month after I started my job. Our boss (Bill) picked Eric because we had some similar personality traits and work styles. Eric’s and my workflow styles are very similar, and we get along great! This has been a valuable asset in my first few months learning my job. Another important detail — I’m getting ready to transfer to another office. It’s a similar position, generally the same skillset, but with some fundamental differences and much closer to home. Bill really went to bat for the transfer for me, even though it would mean me joining a new team, and transfers usually aren’t allowed so early in your tenure. I am incredibly grateful for all Bill’s done for me. Bill has left it up to me whether I want to continue my mentorship with Eric, or find a new mentor on my new team. I was totally on board with sticking with Eric and using the opportunity to learn from each other … but last week, Bill mentioned in passing to me that Eric’s side hustle was an older, very well-known MLM (one that your readers would certainly know). Bill seems to think it’s a great thing that Eric can hold down a full-time job and also take part in this MLM. All of the sudden, I’m questioning both their judgments! I looked up to these folks but my respect for them is slipping in a major way because of this one thing. Am I overreacting? Should I use this as an out? Should I try to maintain these relationships? Professionally, I know I shouldn’t just write them off if I want to be able to advance in this company (and because I like these people and they’ve always supported me in a major way!), but this is affecting me way more than I expected. For readers who don’t know the term, MLMs = multi-level marketing schemes, like Herbalife or Lularoe, as well as older ones like Mary Kay. They use an exploitative business model, which especially preys on women, and people who sell for them often spend huge amounts of their own money buying products and never recoup that investment. When you find out that someone you respect holds an opinion or takes part in an activity that you find harmful, it can be hard not to wonder if you need to rethink your entire assessment of them. Sometimes you do, depending on what that opinion or activity is. But sometimes, it’s just a reflection of the fact that people are complicated. If you found out Eric hunted puppies or marched in racist rallies, you’d need to end the mentorship. But I don’t think MLM involvement rises to that level, especially if he hasn’t tried to recruit you or sell to you. MLMs can ensnare even people with otherwise good judgment; that’s part of what makes them so insidious. If Eric has been a good mentor to you and you’ve learned from him and found the relationship valuable, I wouldn’t end it just because you’ve learned this about him. (Although don’t take side hustle advice from him, obviously. And if he starts trying to recruit you, that would change things.) And as for Bill, he may not even fully realize the story with MLMs — a lot of people don’t — and may not understand that that’s what Eric’s Amway (or whatever) gig is. 2. Drinking from a can that looks like beer but isn’t My partner has recently started enjoying a hops-flavored sparkling water type beverage at home in a bid to cut out casual beer consumption. He really likes it; it’s basically made of a combo of sparkling water, tea, citrus, and hops and tastes like an IPA (beverage innovation these days is crazy, man). It kinda looks like non-alcoholic beer because of the hop art on the can, but it is not actually non-alcoholic beer, doesn’t have any known alcohol brand names on it, and nowhere on the can does it say “beer.” He’s wondering if it would be weird for him to drink at the office and is hesitant. Due to the can art being suggestive of beer, I suggested he either pour it into a glass or use a koozie over it if he’s nervous. To me, this isn’t weirder than drinking something like kombucha, minus the can art. Any thoughts? Using a koozie or pouring it into a glass is the way to go. There’s no point in having people wonder if he’s drinking beer at work … and a lot of people who see it will just assume and not ask him, so he won’t necessarily have the opportunity to clear up that misperception. 3. Is it OK to take notes in an interview? Is taking notes during an interview acceptable? Is that proper interview etiquette? Will doing so make the candidate appear less engaging? Doing so can definitely help in remembering what was covered in the interview in order to compose follow-up emails. Taking notes during an interview is fine! Many interviewers like to see it, since it shows you’re interested and engaged. The one caveat, and it’s a big one, is that you shouldn’t be so absorbed in note-taking that you’re creating long pauses or not connecting with your interviewers. (Also, I wouldn’t take copious notes just so you remember details for follow-up notes; that would be putting too much weight on your follow-up notes, potentially at the expense of connecting in the interview itself. Jotting down one or two things for that purpose is fine, but don’t get so sidetracked on that that you’re not focused on the interviewer and the discussion.) 4. Pizza moochers I’m very generous and want to treat my colleagues every once in a while. I’m sure they don’t realize how much I pay for the remaining bill. I recently asked to have everyone who wants pizza to pitch in $5 each. I know that among 10 people $50 is not going to fit the bill so I will pay the difference. However, there are people who will actually take home an entire pizza if it is left over. What do you think of this? Any recommendations on how to resolve this ignorant and selfish act? It is so sad that people have no manners. I think (a) when you ask people to chip in, they assume their contribution is covering their share and they don’t realize you’re making up the difference, (b) you might be sending mixed messages by asking people to chip in and also calling it “treating them” (although I understand you’re making up the difference), and (c) anyone taking home an entire pizza from a group order without at least asking first is being rude and a moocher. I think if you want to keep doing this and want to stop the moochers, you’ll need to take a more active role in managing the food — meaning saying things like, “That pizza is for the group, please leave it here so people who want another helping can get one.” If someone challenges that by saying they chipped in, you can say, “$5 covers a couple of slices, not a whole pizza. Please leave that here.” 5. Why are job applications asking me about disabilities? I’ve been applying for jobs and some applications have a voluntary disclosure for a disability. One company I applied for offered a list of “disabilities can include but are not limited to,” with an extensive list that included two chronic medical conditions that I have. One condition is fairly common, the other less so. Both conditions are well managed, and personally I consider them to be medical diagnoses, not disabilities. They do not affect my work life, my productivity, my attendance, and I would not need accommodations for either one. I don’t feel it is necessary or appropriate to disclose them in a job interview. If I answer “yes” to the “do you have a disability” question on a job application, can the company force me to disclose my chronic medical conditions even though the condition does not need an accommodation? I am of an older generation and not used to seeing these kinds of questions on job applications. If I answer “yes” to that voluntary disclosure question, what exactly am I agreeing to? You are not obligated to disclose anything in response to that question. If you choose to, the company can’t legally consider that information in its hiring decision. In fact, they’re legally required to keep that information completely separate from your application, and they can’t follow up with you to request additional details. And if you choose not to answer, you can’t legally be penalized for that either. The reason they’re asking is because companies over a certain size, as well as companies with government contracts over a certain dollar amount, are required by law to report the demographic makeup of their applicants and employees to the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (in the aggregate, not individually). Also, if you’re applying for work as a federal contractor or subcontractor, it’s to help them meet a target of a 7% workforce of employees with disabilities. You may also like:I think my employee is being maliciously compliantmy boss trash-talks my coworker to mejob application asked if I'd accept the job, muscling in on a volunteer project, and more { 501 comments }
should I stop using my office’s flex hours since my coworkers have earlier schedules? by Alison Green on January 31, 2023 A reader writes: My organization has a very generous flexible time policy. Our office’s “core hours” are 10 am – 3 pm, and all employees must be working during this time. We’re told to arrange our eight-hour days around those hours however we like. I’m not a “morning person” by habit, and I typically come in at 9:30-9:45 when I don’t have morning meetings or important tasks that need to begin early in the day. I stay until 6-6:30 pm on an average day, and my work regularly necessitates staying later for big projects. I am salaried/exempt and have occasional weekend and evening tasks. Most of the team arrives between 8 and 9 am, and there are a few that arrive at 7 am. We always have a receptionist at the front desk when our office is open to the public. I am one of our youngest employees, but due to turnover and staff growth, I have been here longer than 75% of our team, and I am in a relatively senior-level position. My supervisor expresses that he is generally very happy with my work. I understand that coming in late in the morning might reinforce negative stereotypes about young people in the workforce. I sense that some of my coworkers (whom I “outrank” but do not manage) have a bit of resentment toward my work schedule. They are of course allowed to do the same, but due to their other life obligations (families, a second job, etc.), it’s not realistic. On one hand, it frustrates me that employees who benefit from being allowed to leave early are the ones who stigmatize people coming in late. At the same time, I understand that my hours might complicate teamwork and make early-arrivers wait on me to answer questions. I also worry about the optics of vendors or partners calling the office for me after 9 am and being told “he’s not in yet.” Should I work harder at changing my habits for the sake of my perception and professional reputation? Or, given that I’m in line with our policy and doesn’t seem to negatively affect my performance, do I stand my ground? It’s incredibly irritating that people who work a schedule like yours in an office that explicitly allows it are sometimes seen as lazy or “getting away with something” when people who do the same thing in the other direction (arrive early/leave early) are not. It’s undoubtedly linked to our puritan roots, where getting up early is a virtue and sleeping past sunrise is an indulgence of the debauched. I look forward to the days when sleeping in will be seen as admirable self-care and a virtue. I consider it that right now. Anyway. I do not see any reason you should change your schedule. Your office asks you to be in by 10 am, and you are. Your office tells you to arrange your schedule around its core hours any way you’d like, and you do. You’re in a relatively senior position, and your manager is happy with your work. There’s nothing here that indicates you should change what you’re doing. It’s true that early arrivers might have to wait to ask you questions. That is part of what having core hours means. In fact, the whole reason for core hours is to have a set time when everyone will be available to facilitate communication, and you are abiding by that. They’ll need to accept that that’s how your office works … just like you need to accept that you can’t ask them questions at 4 pm if they left at 3. That’s how core hours work. You aren’t doing anything wrong by utilizing your office’s system, just like your coworkers who work 7-3 aren’t. If you want to, you could run this by your manager and make sure she agrees, but I don’t see any reason to. If your manager herself had been bristling or hinting that she didn’t like your schedule, it might make sense to raise it with her … but that doesn’t sound like it’s the case. If the people showing resentment with your schedule were senior to you and had the power to affect your career trajectory, that’s something you’d want to factor in (because, fairly or not, on some teams and in some roles there are consequences if you take advantage of a benefit you’re supposedly entitled to) … but that doesn’t sound like it’s the case for you either. You’re following your office’s policy and your manager is happy with your work. If other people with no power over you feel a little grumbly about that and can’t point to any actual work problems it’s causing, that’s something they’ll need to deal with on their own. Carry on. And for that matter, carry on with pride. You are arranging your job and your life in ways that work well for you, and that’s a victory. By doing that, you are modeling healthy habits for less senior people in your workplace who might have the same worries as you but less capital. These are all good things and you should feel good about them, not worried that you are some sort of indolent libertine. Also! I always think that when you’ve attained a certain professional level and respect, there’s real merit in letting your own behavior be a form of advocacy for Things That Are Different From The Traditional. When you have the capital, it’s a social good to spend some of it challenging people’s norms — whether it’s openly talking about needing time to pump, or taking mental health days, or having blue hair, or working your kind of hours, or all sorts of other things that people with less capital might not be equipped to push their workplaces to accept but you are. You have to be careful that it doesn’t become a thing where action X is okay for you and no one else because of your positional power, but if you do it the right way, you can exert an influence that makes things better for everyone. You may also like:what's the definition of "professional hours"?can I negotiate a later schedule before accepting a job?am I asking too much of a flexible schedule? { 291 comments }
ask your behind-the-scenes questions about Ask a Manager by Alison Green on January 31, 2023 Last month I answered a question about the behind-the-scenes running of Ask a Manager, and readers said they’d be interested in an opportunity to ask more of those questions. So now is your chance! If you’d like to ask me a question about how the site functions behind the scenes, leave it in the comment section here. I’ll pull together a Q&A answering a bunch of them soon. You may also like:the weird world of writing an advice columnBuzzfeed's 23 favorite Ask a Manager letterson the weirdness of writing an advice column, getting the other side of the story, and more { 352 comments }
our boss tells lies to make us feel bad for taking time off by Alison Green on January 31, 2023 A reader writes: The other week, I took a few sick days due to Covid and a double ear infection. I was legitimately ill and even offered to submit a medical note. When I returned, my manager, Corrine, sat me down to tell me my team was forced to work overtime due my absence and they even had to come in on Saturday for a few hours. I was confused considering I didn’t see any communication proving this on Teams or in my email. I finally asked my coworkers and they were just as confused. They said none of this happened. As the conversation went on, a few others had similar stories. One woman even said Corrine called her in the middle of her birthday dinner to berate her for leaving at her normal time and said we all were still working because of her. This absolutely never happened — one person leaving has never set us behind that far and I certainly would remember having to stay later because of a birthday dinner. Another woman said when she returned from a cruise, she received a similar lecture. I’m quite disgusted and I want to have a conversation with Corrine face to face; I feel like it’d be harder to lie this way. Am I overreacting or is this totally inappropriate, not to mention weird behavior? How would you react to this? I wrote back and asked, “What’s your manager like aside from this? I feel like there have got to be other issues with her!” The response: Have you ever had a manager where you think “this person would 100% throw me under the bus without hesitation”? That’s what she is to me. The other week she forgot to tell us to run a report we didn’t know about; two days later she spent 30 minutes reaming us out in a meeting about how we should have asked her if we had any confusion … but if we don’t know a report needs to be done, why would we ask? It was a new report, not something we have ever heard of before. She constantly is changing meeting times and when people don’t show up on time, she will make a huge deal out of it but never acknowledges that it’s likely because she scheduled it for 2 pm and changed it to 1:30 pm at the last minute. Everything is a fire drill, no situation can wait. She consistently tells us that since we are salaried, we are expected to be on call 24/7. This is my first salaried position (as with the majority of my coworkers because this position was just made salaried this year) so I don’t know if this is normal (note from Alison: it’s not), but shouldn’t we have some work/life balance? There’s a constant talk of layoffs but only from her; the company has sent no communication and other managers have no idea why she says this. It feels like she wants us in a constant state of anxiety and I have no idea why. The main issue is she has been with the company for 35 years. We work in HR so if we reached out to a different department of HR, we would most likely be talking to her friends. I really just want to ask why she felt it necessary to tell me that getting Covid was detrimental to the team because I don’t appreciate being made to feel guilty for getting sick; however, the vibes she’s giving off tell me that she would become combative and try to gaslight me into thinking she never said that. I think the key is this: “It feels like she wants us in a constant state of anxiety.” She gets something out of behaving this way — maybe that she is in a constant state of anxiety so she wants others to be too (not necessarily because of cruelty but because she feels you won’t be sufficiently alert and vigilant otherwise; obviously this is hugely disordered thinking, but some people are this way), or maybe she only knows how to rule by fear (which I would argue also comes from a place of anxiety at its core). Or maybe she is an actual sadist who intentionally tries to keep you off-balance, but that seems a lot less likely than the other possibilities. Regardless of the cause, though, something is truly wrong with Corrine and she shouldn’t be managing people. Does it not occur to her that some of her lies will be very easily found out? Telling you that your team had to work on Saturday because of you is so easily exposed as a lie — it’s not like coworkers don’t talk — that Corrine doesn’t seem to be operating in the same plane of reality as the rest of us. Given the full picture you’ve painted, I’m not sure there’s a lot to be gained by addressing the lies with her. There might be! Who knows, maybe letting her know that she’s so easily found out will discourage her from lying in the future. But there’s a good chance that she’ll just get more combative and maybe hold it against you in ways that will make your job even harder than it already is. That said, in your position, I don’t know if I could resist saying something! I would be itching to go back to her and say, “You said the team had to work on Saturday when I was out sick, but everyone I talked to said they haven’t worked on a Saturday. What am I missing?” I would want to do it regardless of whether it helped anything, and possibly even if it made things worse, just because it would be so frustrating not to say I SEE YOU CORRINE. But the wiser course of action is probably to resist that impulse and just to continue to information-share with your team, since you’re all being subject to these lies. Ideally you’d all make sure everyone on your team knows what Corrine is doing and agree that from now on when she tries to guilt-trip you about time off, you’ll all just calmly reply “okay” or some other neutral, unaffected response. (And really, even if what she was telling you was true … so? Are you supposed to conclude you shouldn’t take time off when you’re sick and contagious? Did she want you to come to work with Covid? There’s no point in speculating on the answer to that because we’ve already established Corrine doesn’t live in our reality, but it makes this all additionally ridiculous.) Beyond that, I hope you’ll seriously consider looking for a new job, because having a boss who’s this far out of the galaxy the rest of us inhabit is going to affect you in a ton of ways. I can’t imagine your day-to-day quality of life there is good, or that she provides you with useful feedback or advocates effectively for your professional development, or that you don’t go home with a pounding headache much of the time. Please imagine what a relief it would be to be out of this situation by the end of this year, and consider whether it might be worth the work of making that happen! Read an update to this letter. You may also like:my employee lies to me about things he just said 30 seconds agomy boss tells weird lies about all of usmy boss is a notorious liar, and he yells too { 347 comments }
coworker with severe dandruff, colleague is borrowing my email voice, and more by Alison Green on January 31, 2023 It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go… 1. Coworker with severe dandruff We have a coworker who has absolutely some of the most severe dandruff we have ever seen, like bottle of Kraft grated parmesan tipped over bad. We also wear dark uniforms which makes the problem stand out more. To kind of top it off, he’s definitely a bit of the awkward guy in the office and he also comes with his own set of communication issues with personally and professionally. Manager is aware but unsure how we can bring this up in a non-condescending (more importantly, non-embarrassing manner). Any advice? Does it need to be brought up? If he’s customer-facing, then maybe it does. But otherwise … sometimes people have severe dandruff, or one long hair growing out of a wart on their chin, or an entire farm of nose hair, and it’s just part of the tapestry of humans. That stuff isn’t the most pleasant to look at, but it’s also not something that has to be addressed unless there’s a clear work-related reason that it needs to be. (And with dandruff, for all we know he’s been trying to combat it without success.) If this is in fact a job where it really does matter, like one where he works with clients who expect a high degree of polish … well, the goal can’t be to find a non-embarrassing way to say it, because there probably isn’t one! Most people are embarrassed to have this kind of thing pointed out. The key is to be kind and respectful when doing it. Your manager could speak with him privately and say something like, “It’s a little uncomfortable for me to say this but it looks like you’re having a problem with dandruff. Because you work with clients, do you think there’s something you can do to solve this?” 2. A colleague has borrowed my email voice I need a temperature check on something. I make an effort to cultivate an authentic, warm, and professional “email voice.” Depending on my audience, I send well wishes and good vibes where I can. I know this “voice” wouldn’t be for everyone, but I have found a lot of success with it. I consider it an invaluable skill. I was working with another company’s assistant (Jane) to book joint meetings for our bosses. Jane has a very different email style from mine: no exclamation points and straightforward. It’s old school chic and I respect it. We needed to confirm locations for about 10 meetings. I wrote an email (and cc’d her) to confirm the first one and then she volunteered to write the rest. Except … she didn’t? She copied/pasted my email, cc’d me, and then sent it out. I know that copy/paste is a smart way to save time and everyone would have gotten that same email had I sent them out instead. Yet the wholesale use of my words (from greeting to sign-off) felt really odd. Especially when I could have just sent the emails. I took time to create that warm tone, which is something I had not seen her do. After the initial copying, I noticed she started to incorporate other phrases/style choices of mine. It doesn’t help that we have the same first name (surprise! I’m Jane too!), so her use of my “voice” feels extra weird. And frankly, there was a positive reaction to her new friendly vibe in the replies. People like the “voice!” I’m taking it all with good humor and this isn’t something I’d ever bring up to her or ask her not to do. We don’t really even work together. But for my own internal calibration, am I wrong to feel put off by this kind of “borrowing?” And if she was a coworker, would I have any standing to say something? I definitely need some advice, because all I can hear right now is Dwight Schrute’s voice saying: “Identity theft is not a joke, Jane!” Well, they say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. I can see why that initial email rubbed you the wrong way — she volunteered to finish it and then sent it out as-is — but on the other hand, if there was nothing else to add, it’s not really that strange. And given the topic (confirming locations for meetings), I’m assuming it was fairly straightforward (as opposed to something full of your own thoughts and analysis). I would try to let it go internally — you don’t know what might be going on with Jane behind the scenes. Maybe she’s been told her emails sound too chilly, she noticed yours don’t, and she’s modeling her new tone on yours. (That’s actually common advice when someone is trying to change their vibe at work — find someone you respect and follow their behavior.) She can’t really steal your voice if it’s distinctive, but she can borrow some of the trappings she sees you using … and really, a lot of professional stylings in the work world come from borrowing what we see people we admire do. 3. Should I tell my boss about my roid rage? I recently had a really bad case of Covid and a persistent painful cough that lasted for over a month. After trying several different medicines, my doctor prescribed steroids and it made an enormous difference. It also had the really bad side effect of making me incredibly irritable. That’s actually an understatement — I was a rage machine and definitely told my boss off at one point. I nearly quit my job on the spot. It was bad. I realized after about a week what was going on and was able to dial it back. But should I tell my boss why I was being so unreasonable? I’m normally a pretty amenable person and a few people checked in with me to see what was going on, so it was definitely a noticeable change in behavior. I’m just not sure if I should move on or tell my boss (and apologize) that I had roid rage. Talk to your boss! If you don’t, then she’ll be left to wonder if you think what happened was normal and fine, and if she needs to be wary of it happening again. It should help the situation significantly if you explain what was going on — not in a “so this excuses everything” way, but in a “whoa, I figured this out and wanted to let you know, and I really apologize” way. 4. I didn’t receive the company Christmas gift I work remotely and have been with my company for a little over a year. The corporate office is on the west coast and I live on the east coast. In mid-December some coworkers were posting on our Teams channel about getting a surprise gift box from work that had holiday candles, lotions, and the like, and everyone got excited about getting a surprise from work. Soon Christmas came around and we’re now well into the new year, and I never got one. At first I wondered if it wasn’t for everyone, but I asked the few coworkers I’m close enough with and they got it. At this point, I’m just thinking if I was sent one, it’s lost in some warehouse forever or it was stolen off my porch and I never noticed. I still feel left out and kind of hurt (granted at this point, I should just get over myself), but if it’s lost (or stolen) that’s not my company’s fault and I don’t think they’d overlook anyone in sending gifts. I don’t know who put in the order and I don’t want to sound entitled so I just never asked anyone in HR or upper management. I don’t even know what good it would have done to bring up. It’s not like they’d get their money back. And what could they even do, say “oh, I’m sorry to hear it didn’t make it to you”? Should I have brought this up at all? Is something to keep in mind for next year? It would be fine to let it go if you want to, but it’s also okay to bring it up if it’s bothering you — because it’s very unlikely that they deliberately left you out and more likely that something went wrong that they’d want to know about. Think of it like this: If you were responsible for coordinating gifts to everyone and someone didn’t get theirs, wouldn’t you want to find out why? Maybe the vendor you hired skipped a page of people and you’d be grateful for someone letting you know. Or maybe the intern responsible for updating the gift list dropped the ball; you’d want to know that too. Or yes, maybe it got lost in the mail, in which case they might want to file a claim, depending on the cost. In any case, it’s reasonable to speak up. (It’s also helpful to remember that this isn’t like asking a friend why they didn’t include you in their gifts; this is a business thing, they intended for all employees to receive it, and you didn’t, so you’re flagging a potential work-systems problem.) I’d say it this way: “I realized I should have mentioned to you that I never received the company Christmas gift. It’s of course not a big deal, but I wanted to mention it in case it’s an issue with the shipping company or anything you’d want to be aware of for next year.” Read an update to this letter. 5. When is post-interview lack of communication a bad sign about the organization? About two months ago, I interviewed for what seemed like my dream job: more money, more prestige, more opportunities in my field. This was the final interview stage for a senior position. It seemed to go well, and they told me they’d be making their decision the following week. They didn’t, and after a few weeks I reached out to ask about an updated timeline. They said they hadn’t had a chance yet and asked me about time pressures on my end, but wouldn’t give me a sense of timeline beyond that. It’s now been several more weeks since any communication. I know job timelines can be long and quiet, but there are a few factors making me weigh whether I should take this as a larger concern about the company (on the off chance they end up offering me the job!). First, they asked me to apply, the initial process was fairly quick, and the early communication was fairly regular. Second, after initially being very specific about their timeline, they were deliberately unclear when I followed up. Third, we’re a field defined by communication and networking. When one of my industry mentors checked in with me on where things were at, she expressed surprise because, in her experience, this is not the norm simply due to how our industry handles conversations more generally. I’m not assuming I’m their top candidate, though given our industry and the players involved, it would make sense for me to be one of a couple being seriously considered. But if they do end up offering me the job at some point … should I take this lack of communication into consideration in my ultimate response? I wouldn’t, just because it’s soooo normal in hiring. All sorts of things could be going on behind the scenes that are not only making things take longer, but are also preventing them from giving you a clearer answer. For example: they’re working out questions about the role and there are enough moving pieces that they genuinely don’t know when they’ll be able to come back to you … or something unrelated is consuming all their energy and they can’t prioritize figuring this out until that’s sorted through … or something internal has happened that might affect that whole team and they don’t want to make job offers until it’s settled but that’s confidential so they can’t explain that … or all sorts of other things. Unfortunately, the best thing you can do is to just put it out of your head and move on. If they do come back to you with an offer at some point, I wouldn’t hold this against them (unless it fits into a pattern that you already had concerns about, but it doesn’t sound like that’s the case). You may also like:how do I write a peer review for my horrible coworker?can I get my coworker to stop using awful corporate jargon?my coworker tipped me { 383 comments }
my coworker has a crush on our boss and is mad that I asked her to stop talking about him by Alison Green on January 30, 2023 A reader writes: I work for a small company. We are an office of about 10 people and most of my colleagues have worked with each other for several years. My position was newly created to take some of the clerical burden off the others, and I’m definitely the new kid on the block, so to speak. I’ve been there about four months now. The problem I’m running into is our chatty office manager, Jan, who I work most closely with. Although Jan is a great technical worker, personally she driving me nuts. Through many conversations with her, it’s clear she has a crush on on our boss, Keith (10 years younger than her, 10 years older than me). Keith is a retired fire fighter and the textbook tall, dark, and handsome. He’s charismatic but professional. For context, Jan’s husband passed away suddenly about a year and a half before I started working there. I think the loneliness of being a widow is setting in and that’s why she had eyes for our boss, simply because he pays attention to her. It has gotten to the point that whenever I’m alone with Jan, the conversation quickly turns to an unrelated conversation about Keith. Most of the time, I just ignore her or redirect the conversation to the original topic. This seemed to be working up until recently. Over lunch the other day, Jan and I were talking about a time-consuming project the office was working on for a client. Keith seemed irritated about possibly not meeting our deadline. Jan said, “I wonder what his wife does to make him relax at home, I know what I would do. Oh, who am I kidding, you would have a better chance with him since you’re younger.” I finally stopped her and said I didn’t feel comfortable talking about Keith in that manner with her, and frankly the continued conversations about him were getting annoying. Her response was, “Oh, it’s just a little girl talk. There’s no harm in that.” I countered with, “I’d rather talk about something else” and then changed the subject. I could tell I embarrassed her. We awkwardly finished our lunch and she was very curt and stand-off ish the rest of the day. For the last week, if the conversation happens to drift towards Keith she’ll say, “Oh, that’s right, we can’t talk about about him” or if I have my office door shut (to avoid her!) she’ll proclaim to the office that I’m not being social today. I’m not sure how to approach Jan going forward. Do I confront her and call out her immature behavior? Since we are such a small office and I’m fairly new, I really don’t feel like I have anyone I can confide in. Do I just keep ignoring her so she doesn’t get a reaction? I also don’t feel comfortable going to Keith just yet because I feel like it will just be an awkward she said-she said conversation. I feel like she’ll just gaslight me to make me look crazy to stay in his good graces. First things first: You have the right not to be exposed to sexual comments at work, and you have the right not to be hassled when you express that sexual comments are unwelcome. If you want to escalate this, you can. I’m guessing in such a small company you don’t have HR or even pseudo-HR, which makes this harder. But if Keith is the person you’d need to report it to, you can do that! You mentioned you’re worried it’ll be a she said/she said situation … but that’s true of most reports of sexual inappropriateness at work, and it’s still worth doing if you’re feeling harassed. It doesn’t sound like you’re necessarily at the point where you want to take that option, but it’s there if that changes. If you don’t want to go that route, my advice is to keep ignoring Jan for a few weeks and then reassess. If she says you’re not being social because you have your door closed, just ignore that or calmly say, “Yep, just trying to focus.” I’m not sure exactly what she’s trying to get out of you, but my best guess is that she wants you to walk back what you said so that she feels better about it. You don’t need to. And when she says, “Oh, that’s right, we can’t talk about Keith,” you should take that as a win. She’s right, she can’t talk about Keith. If you want, you could respond very sincerely with, “Thanks, I appreciate you respecting that” … or you can just ignore her. She’s likely to get tired of making those comments eventually. Or someone will overhear and ask why she can’t talk about Keith, and the answer she’s likely to give will reflect poorly on her, not you. If she’s still doing this a couple of weeks from now, or if she starts escalating how obnoxious she’s being, at that point it might be worth trying to clear the air by saying something like, “I think I embarrassed you when I asked you not to talk about Keith that way. That wasn’t my intention. I’m not comfortable hearing anyone we work with spoken about in a sexual way, even if you’re just joking around. I hope you understand.” But if that doesn’t solve it, then you’ve got to decide how much she’s bothering you and weigh that against your desire not to bring Keith into it. To help overcome your discomfort about involving him: If a man you managed were talking about you this way and then freezing out someone who objected, wouldn’t you want to know? I’m not always a fan of flipping the genders as a thought experiment unless you can also reverse thousands of years of history and systemic sexism, but in this case it might help you feel more comfortable letting him know. But let’s hope that after a few weeks of not getting a rise from you with her comments, Jan will pull herself together and move on. Read an update to this letter. You may also like:my coworkers have a crush on my boss ... and are taking it out on memy coworker keeps whispering sexually explicit things in the office bathroommy employee talks so much she can’t get her work done { 221 comments }
job applicant keeps asking for another chance by Alison Green on January 30, 2023 A reader writes: How would you respond to a candidate who continues to ask for an opportunity after you’ve rejected them? This candidate was screened out and we sent them a message about finding a strong group of candidates and moving in a different direction, and we did tell them that we’d keep their resume on file. This candidate is now badgering me on social media, asking me to give them a chance and asking how they can persuade me to give them a chance. Is there a kind way to say that “We have moved on, so should you?” I answer this question — and three others — over at Inc. today, where I’m revisiting letters that have been buried in the archives here from years ago (and sometimes updating/expanding my answers to them). You can read it here. Other questions I’m answering there today include: HR director cried while laying someone off Should I let a new employee work holidays in exchange for other time off? Should I tell my employee to stop addressing people by their first names? You may also like:employer won't give me a fair chance to interviewwhat to say to job applicants when you know you can't offer fair compensationcan I ask for a second chance to interview if I feel like I didn't get a fair shot? { 216 comments }