Ask a Manager

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Boss said Pride shirts violate the dress code

My partner, A (he/him), recently received a call from his grandboss that A.’s shirt during an all-hands Zoom meeting was “unprofessional” and he can no longer wear it to work. The shirt in question is a standard T-shirt, navy in color, clean with no holes, and says PRIDE in rainbow letters across the front. The meeting was totally internal and the team works variously in the office, which is not public, or on job sites. (Think outdoor construction projects where workers occasionally interface with clients. A wears clothing appropriate for weather and safety on job sites.) The meeting occurred on a Friday morning, and the call about it wasn’t made until the next Monday. A publicly identifies as queer and has been open about the fact that he is in a relationship with me, a nonbinary trans person (they/them).

Grandboss cited the company’s dress code, which states: “Appearance must be neat, clean, and professional. Any casual apparel such as shorts, tight-fitting, or revealing clothing is highly discouraged. Any apparel with offensive or inappropriate graphics, verbiage, or competitor’s logos is strictly prohibited.” When A pointed out that other employees in the office also wear graphic T-shirts and other casual attire, Grandboss said, “I’d make the same call if it was MAGA, BLM, left, or right.”

A’s company is headquartered in a very LGBTQ-unfriendly state, but we live and work in an extremely LGBTQ-friendly state with explicit legal protections against discrimination on the grounds of sexual orientation and gender identity. A works in an extremely small, specialized industry, and it would be very difficult for him to find a new job unless he were willing to change careers (or relocate to a different state, but that’s not really on the table for a lot of reasons, including the groundswell of anti-trans state legislation and the fact that I would lose access to a nice pension).

Is there any way A can reasonably push back on this, as he really wants to, or is he better off just biting his tongue? I appreciate any insight you can give; the situation is really frustrating and upsetting.

Wow. A’s grandboss is trying to say the shirt is political … but it’s a shirt promoting inclusion and protection of other humans. (Same for BLM.) In citing the dress code’s prohibition on “offensive and inappropriate” verbiage, is he saying that protecting LGBTQ people is … offensive or inappropriate? What a disgusting edict.

Whether to push back comes down to A’s sense of how that will go over in this particular company (headquartered in an LGBTQ-unfriendly state), his own capital there, and how much he wants to push back. I’d love to tell him that yes, he absolutely should escalate it but — especially given that he wants/needs to stay at this job if at all possible — he has the best sense of what will be safest for him there. If he thinks it’s likely to end in the company backing up the boss (probably by arguing the shirt is “political”) and tension with his chain of command, it might make sense to simply file this away as a damning fact about his grandboss — and his company — but not act. On the other hand, if he thinks someone in HR (and certainly his DEI team if they have one) would be receptive, it could take less capital than you’d think. (Any chance the company has a LGBTQ resource group? If so, they’d be helpful, both in figuring out whether to speak up and in deciding how.)

To be clear, not acting wouldn’t mean what the grandboss did is okay; it would just be about A prioritizing his safety within the company as long as he needs to stay there.

2. How much notice should I get for work travel?

I am in a position that does not currently require travel, but was asked to fly out to my company’s HQ location for a couple of days for an in-person meeting (it would take 10 hours to drive there). Unfortunately I can’t go because I’m out of office that week, but they only gave me 10 days (six business days) of notice before asking if I could travel to this meeting. Is that amount of time reasonable for a role where I am not normally expected to travel, and if not, how many days advance typically would be reasonable? My sister thinks anything less than three weeks would be unreasonable, but since this would be my first ever business trip after almost six years with my company, I wanted to see if we’re both off-base.

You’re both off-base. It’s not strange to be given 10 days of notice for a trip, even in a job that doesn’t normally require travel. Sometimes things come up without a ton of notice.

Typically it’s reasonable to expect at least a few days notice (unless you’re in a job that’s travel-heavy), but even then something could come up faster and you might be asked to travel. If you can’t do it because of the short notice (for example, if that wasn’t enough time to arrange overnight child care or so forth), you’d explain that — but it’s not inherently unreasonable for an employer to ask.

3. I want a new job but I don’t want to screw over my team

I’d like to get a new job, potentially within my company or potentially somewhere entirely new. I’m fortunately in a position where I can walk rather than run away; as long as I’m somewhere else before the end of the year I’ll be a happy camper.

However, I like everyone on my current team and I don’t want to leave them in a difficult spot if I can help it. And if I left now, they would be in a tricky spot indeed. Two of our most senior team members left within the past months, and several other teammates (including the one that would have to assume my responsibilities should I leave) have been dealing with very unfortunate personal issues which caused them to have to take several weeks off previously.

I know I should prioritize my needs over making everyone else’s lives easier, but I do have the flexibility to stay for at least a few more months before I start to get antsy. I’ve cleaned up my resume and cover letter, but have not applied anywhere yet since I worry I might get a great offer that I would want to take ASAP.

Do you have any advice on how to best navigate this? How much of a grace should I give before I start applying to other places? Will I be burning a bridge by leaving to early? Am I totally off base and should just start applying places now?

Leave on the timeline that works for you; if you want to start applying now, start applying now. Having people leave, even at inconvenient times — even at very inconvenient times — is a normal part of doing business, and your organization will figure it out. You will not burn a bridge unless the place is wildly dysfunctional (and if that’s the case, all sorts of other normal stuff you do could burn a bridge too, and you can’t cater to irrationality).

Keep in mind that if you wait, other things could happen that could make it even more inconvenient for you to leave a few months from now! Someone else could leave. You could be assigned a huge project that they’re counting on you for. Your boss could get sick. There’s no guarantee that waiting will make things better, and it could make them worse. Go when it’s convenient for you.

4. Asking for a clothing allowance

I work for a nonprofit. 90% of my work is wholly unglamorous work-from-home stuff. Increasingly, though, I’m called upon to be a spokesperson for our organization on TV. I’m happy to do it because it is great for our organization, but it’s not at all what I was hired to do (we didn’t even do TV when I started).

Here’s the thing: I’m naturally kind of scruffy, don’t wear makeup, buy all my clothes secondhand. TV standards for women’s appearances are so high! Is it okay to ask my boss for a small annual stipend for me to buy smart clothes and makeup for TV? The only other employee who acts as a spokesperson is male so always wears the same suit and no makeup and no one cares either way.

This is such an interesting question, because the way you’ve framed it, it is a business expense but different managers will see it different ways. Some managers will think, “You have to buy clothes for work and sometimes those clothes need to be professional, and that’s not an expense your employer will cover for you” … but others would be open to it if you pitch it the right way. It’ll depend on your manager, but it wouldn’t be unreasonable to say something like, “With the increased amount of TV I’m doing, I think it’s important that I look the part by wearing clothes and appropriate makeup that represent us well. I would literally never buy anything like this and doing TV for Org is the only time I’ll use it, so would you be willing to consider that a business expense?” She may or may not agree, but it’s not an outrageous thing to inquire about.

Just as a point of interest — although it’s not the same situation — my brother-in-law, who is a TV news reporter, has been reimbursed for (some) clothing, makeup, and at one point haircuts. He notes that it’s been cut back on in recent years though.

5. VP missed our call for a complaint I’m trying to escalate

I’m trying to escalate an issue, and my VP offered to meet. She gave me a particular time for a phone call, but then she didn’t reach out and I was left hanging. I went to her because the two levels between me and her aren’t listening. There’s no official route for issues like these except for an ethics complaint line, and this isn’t an ethics issue. What do I do?

Follow up with her! Send an email saying, “I’m guessing you ended up with a conflict for our 2 pm phone call yesterday. Is there a time we could reschedule for? I’d like to talk with you if at all possible.” (Also, if you can, arrange it so that this time you’re calling her rather than the reverse.)

It’s four answers to four questions. Here we go…

1. My company made me fully remote — and my boss still wants me to come in once a week

Recently, my company made me fully remote. I signed a contract stating that I am 100% remote. After signing the contract, I had a meeting with my manager and she said that she would still want me to come in at least once a week because everyone has to come into the office. She stated that it is unfair that I am remote while the team has to come. They only made me remote to be “competitive.”

Could they do this? How do I talk to my manager and say I don’t want to come that much? I can consider coming in once in a while but not every week. How to professionally say it’s not right that I am expected to come in when remote only to make other employees feel better?

So she’s openly admitting that they only offered you a benefit to get you to stay but they had no intention of honoring it? Wow — that does happen, but companies don’t usually admit it immediately afterwards.

Whether or not they can do this depends on the contract. Was this an actual document signed by both of you with wording that doesn’t give them any wiggle room? The thing that can be tricky about work agreements in the U.S. (where worker contracts are rare) is that even when they’re written down, they’re often written to preserve the at-will nature of employment … meaning “we agree to X for now, but we can change this at any time.” So you’d need to look at exactly what the wording is. You should also talk to whoever coordinated this contract — probably HR. They might explain to your boss that what she’s asking is the opposite of what the company just committed to.

If neither the contract wording nor HR resolves it, then the framing you want for your boss is: “We just negotiated this and signed a contract stating that I would be 100% remote. I accepted that in good faith and assumed the company was operating in good faith as well. I can of course come in for major events when necessary, but coming in once a week is the opposite of what we just both signed in our agreement.”

2. How much personal printing is acceptable at work?

Is there a general cutoff for when personal printing/copying on the office machine goes from acceptable to unacceptable?

In the past I’ve used my office printer for personal items (printing out a copy of my tax return, for example). These were never more than a couple pages long.

I’m moving soon and am required to print flyers and leave them under the windshield of cars on my block letting them know the space outside my apartment will be reserved for a moving van. I estimate this will require maybe 50 flyers or so. I’m planning on just going to a copy shop, as this feels different than my previous personal printings. Is it, though? In the grand scheme of things, it really wouldn’t occupy the copier for more than a couple minutes, and wouldn’t use that much ink/toner. I realize there’s no hard and fast rule, but what is the dividing line?

I don’t think there’s an exact dividing line! I agree that a few pages is fine in most offices and 50 pages is too many. I’d say the line is maybe around 15-20 pages, but it’s not like the addition of one more page to make it 21 would make it instantly unacceptable. And to further complicate things, it can depend on what you’re printing. In a lot of offices, printing out a 20-page dull government form would read differently (better) than printing out 20 flyers for your band. And in other offices, an even higher number of band flyers would be a non-issue. (In reality, though, most people printing out band flyers would do it early in the morning or late in the day when fewer people were likely to around and probably no one would ever know.) So it’s a judgment call, depending on the norms of your office and what you’re printing … so not a very satisfying answer.

Probably the best litmus test is, “How would I feel if my boss were standing right by the printer when these came out?” That accounts for variations among bosses, offices, and content.

3. How do I choose who to lay off?

I am in an unfortunate position that I think a lot of managers might also find themselves in in the coming months — our company is likely to have layoffs this year, and I have been asked to choose who on my team would be let go. I appreciate that I am being allowed to make the decision because I think I have more insight into the strengths and weaknesses of my team members than the higher-level managers do. But the other managers and I were given no guidance about how to make the choice — we were just told the number of people who would have to go, and to submit the names by the end of the month. Do you have any guidance on how I should be approaching this, and what sorts of things I should be thinking about?

This sucks, I’m sorry.

From a strictly business point of view, you want to think about the makeup of the team that you’ll have remaining after the layoffs are over — what skills and experience will be needed, whether any projects are being added or cut (for example, you might have a really talented llama groomer, but if you’re scaling way back on the llama grooming program, you’ve got to factor that in), and how the people who remain will work together to achieve what needs to be done. Who will be the most crucial people to have on that team?

That might be obvious, but sometimes managers approach these decisions strictly by seniority (which doesn’t always correlate well with these factors) or strictly by performance (which should matter a lot, but can also be more nuanced — like with that llama groomer example).

4. When should I disclose my imminent maternity leave in a job search?

Like many, I was laid off in the fall, and have been job-searching ever since. In December, I had a final interview with a company, who has enthusiastically pursued me throughout their interview process. They told me they’d be in touch again after the new year.

When the new year rolled around, I heard from the hiring manager – and it was mixed news. They do want to offer me the position I interviewed for (hooray!), but unfortunately, their company is under a hiring freeze at least until February.

Here’s where it gets complicated – I am pregnant, and am due at the end of February. So far, I have not disclosed my pregnancy in the interview process, so as not to introduce potential bias into the company’s decision making. And when it was possible that I could have been offered the job in January, I could have worked for 6-8 weeks before having to go on parental leave. Now, however, that window is looking smaller and smaller because of this hiring freeze, and I am getting nervous about *when* to disclose my pregnancy. I don’t officially have a job offer yet, and don’t want to jeopardize the offer either way.

Here are what I see as my options: (1) Wait to disclose until I get an official offer, knowing this may mean that either the employer decides not to make the offer (which would suck), or best-case, I work for a week (or less?) before the baby arrives. (2) Knowing that the company is experiencing a hiring freeze, use a flexible start date as incentive to still hire me, and disclose now … before I have an official offer. My message to the hiring manager would be something like, “I know Company is under a hiring freeze for a while; I need parental leave ‘til at least April – does this help at all?” Worst case, again, the employer decides not to make an offer; best case, I have the job starting at a date that works for me.

Is there a third way of moving forward here that I’m not thinking of, or is one of these two options best? I don’t want the employer to feel deceived, but nor do I want my pregnancy to cause me to lose an amazing opportunity.

The thing about hiring freezes is that there’s no knowing when they’ll be lifted — and they probably can’t hire you right now for a start date in April (or later) because of the freeze. So most likely, option 2 wouldn’t help you.

Given that, go with option 1 and if they do come back to you with an offer, you’d disclose at that point. They can’t legally pull the offer because of your pregnancy, unless it’s truly that the timing of your leave means it won’t work — but that would be the case whenever you disclose. There’s also a good chance their next contact won’t be right at the start of February — it could be later in the month, or March, or even later, depending on when they lift the freeze and how much they’re prioritizing this job against other vacancies at that point. So at whatever point they make an offer, you’d just say, “I had a baby in (month) and am on maternity leave until (month) — would (date) work as a start date?”

Read an update to this letter.

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. I’m sharing a hotel room with a coworker but I snore

I started a new job a week ago, working remotely. A week from now, everyone in my organization is attending the big annual conference in our state for our industry.

I live about an hour away from the conference site (compared to 4-5 hours for everyone else), but I’ve just learned that my organization has booked hotel rooms for all of us, and that we’ll be sharing rooms.

I don’t love sharing a hotel room with a virtual stranger on any level, but I feel especially anxious because I’ve been snoring like a MONSTER lately. I’m going to see a doctor soon—a large part of why I switched jobs was to have better health insurance—but I definitely won’t have this taken care of by next week.

I’m not sure what to do! We’re a nonprofit with thin margins, so I don’t want to insist on my own room. Can I make my excuses and just stay at my house? (And if so, what’s a good excuse?!) And even if I didn’t have this snoring issue, which I worry will make my teammate hate me, I wouldn’t feel comfortable sleeping, showering, and changing with someone I’ve never met in person. Any recommendations for how to move forward?

Room-sharing has always had the potential to be deeply problematic under the best of circumstances (even though it’s not uncommon in a few cash-strapped fields, like nonprofits and academia) but it’s especially indefensible during Covid.

But you have a very easy way to get out of it: you can just say to whoever’s arranging the rooms, “I live nearby so I’m going to drive back and forth each day, so you don’t need to get me a room.” It’s pretty unlikely that you’ll get pushback on that, but if you do, you can say, “I’ve got stuff I need to be at home for at night so this is much easier.” Feel free to reference kids, pets, or anything else that might help to cite.

If you didn’t have this easy out, you could follow the advice here.

Read an update to this letter. 

2. Should I lie about how many cats I have?

I have just begun a new job and am not sure if I should be honest about how many pets I have. I know that, inevitably, office small talk will lead to the topic of pets. I love talking about my pets! The problem is that I have an unusually high number of cats due to a wild series of events.

When my partner and I moved into our new home, there was a very pregnant stray cat living in our backyard. I knew nothing about cats so a friend coached me through the steps to catch her. Once we did, though, nothing went to plan. None of the local rescues would take her. “That’s fine,” we thought, “once she has the kittens we can adopt them out. People love kittens!” According to our research, four seemed like the likely number of kittens she would have.

Boy, were we wrong about everything! She had SEVEN kittens. And we were only able to find suitable homes for three. So the mother and four litter mates are with us permanently. It’s been a fun and challenging foray into the world of cat ownership! We have plenty of space for all of them. They’re happy and taken care of. I wouldn’t change anything.

While it’s worked out for us, people often find it weird that we have so many cats. I don’t want to gain the reputation of “cat hoarder” at my new job. So I should probably just lie and say I have a more socially acceptable amount of cats, like two, right? But I worry I’ll slip up sometime and be discovered as the woman who lied about how many cats she has. That seems even worse. What should I do?

Well, you’re writing to someone who has six cats and you only have five. You still have room for one more.

Like you, we didn’t set out to have this many cats! Four of them were foster fails who we didn’t mean to keep. (It turns out we are very bad at fostering cats and end up keeping them; we are no longer fostering cats.) And yes, people are surprised when they hear how many we have. I always just laugh and say “we’re terrible at fostering” and that is that. As far as I know, no one thinks we’re hoarders. (When she heard we were keeping the last two, my mom did tell me she was sure the air would be thick with cat fur and no one would be able to breathe, but since then I have overheard her telling people that you would never know there were six cats living here.)

I think you should approach this similarly — meaning own it, but also feel free to add a bit of “yeah, wasn’t the intent.” Plus you have a better story than I do. I would be delighted to hear, “We rescued a pregnant cat and didn’t expect her to have seven kittens but here we are” from a coworker.

(Update: the letter-writer has provided photos of her cats here and here.)

Read an update to this letter.

3. Is my new employee really working?

I am a new manager and hired two new employees at about the same time a few months ago. One is clearly out-performing the other — she is proactive, works at a quick pace, is detailed and organized, on and on. The other is not performing at the same level, which is fine, he is still new! I do want to make sure I am setting him up for success. For example, there are a couple of administrative things I had to ask him multiple times to complete, such as saving files or recording work in the proper system. He did eventually do these things, but it took a few follow-ups and very direct reminders. He also hasn’t been recording action items during meetings very well and then misses completing those tasks. I’ve started sending my own notes, hoping to show by example.

His actual work has been okay — I see potential, presentations need editing, but like I said, he is new. He doesn’t have a ton on his plate right now, usually working on one project at a time, but hopefully filling in with some training our company provides around the edges. What is really bothering me is that he will send me work to review, I respond to him quickly with edits and next steps, and sometimes these edits/next steps should really only take an hour, being generous 2-3, but he often doesn’t respond with the edits until the end of the day or next morning. I don’t always follow up asking for an update because sometimes the timing doesn’t really matter, it is more that I know what is on his plate and this shouldn’t take that long if he is actively working. We do work from home often and I’ve noticed his Skype activity dot is “inactive” a lot, like more often than cooking lunch or taking a break. When we are in the office, I notice that he is on his phone a lot.

I do not want to micromanage this. I believe people should be able to check personal emails, take breaks, take walks, etc. However. my perception is that he just isn’t working. Am I being overly critical? I don’t want to be a manager that tracks what people are doing all day, but I also want to make sure he does his job in a timely manner. Should I say something? If so, what? I do worry he is a little bored with one project at a time. Maybe giving him more to do would help him become more engaged? This time of year tends to be a little slow, but if this seems like a good approach I can give it a try.

Have you clearly laid out how much time you expect tasks to take and how quickly you want him to get back to you? If not, that’s where to start: “I’ve noticed I’ll often send you edits that should take an hour or two at most to complete, but it’s coming back to me much later. I want to make sure you know to keep this stuff moving — with something like X from yesterday, I’d normally expect that back that same morning because it’s so quick and we don’t want the process to slow down. Can you aim for that, or is there anything you’re finding that’s slowing it down?” It’s possible he doesn’t realize he should be moving at a faster pace and spelling it out may change what he’s doing. If it doesn’t, then you’d dig deeper — maybe at that point seeing if he can walk you through his process so that you can see where he’s running into snags. But keep the focus on what you want to see (in terms of turnaround, follow-through, and tracking his own work) and don’t get sidetracked by whether he’s just slacking off — at least at this point.

Ultimately, if he’s not working at the pace you need and he’s losing track of assignments, and doesn’t respond to coaching, that’s a problem whether it’s because he’s on his phone too much or not. It’s a lot simpler for you if you keep your focus on the former and not the latter. That’s not to say there’s never a place to say, “I see you on your phone a lot when I’m waiting on work from you” but the other stuff deserves your focus more.

(Also, giving him more to do could help. You can ask if he’d prefer that in case you’re right that he’s bored … and regardless of that, if he should be juggling more than he is, at some point you’re going to have to see if he can handle that workload or whether it exacerbates the problems you’re already seeing.)

4. My boss sends me gift cards … am I expected to reciprocate?

My boss sends me what I consider to be generous gifts on a fairly regular basis (holidays, my birthday, work anniversaries, etc.) and I always feel some pressure to reciprocate. Am I expected to send them gifts in return? If so, should they match in cost?

This is my direct supervisor, not someone on the executive team. I’m sure they make more money than I do, but I’m not sure how much more. The gifts are often $50-$100 gift cards to local businesses that are clients of our organization, but my supervisor lives outside the area we serve, so it is hard to give them gifts that also support our clients. It also feels like doing the same thing for my boss that they do for me would be somewhat awkward.

I always appreciate the gesture and I know my boss means well, I just feel uncomfortable not knowing whether to reciprocate! What should I do?

Don’t reciprocate. The power dynamics at work mean that it’s fine for gifts to flow downward (from your boss to you) but they shouldn’t flow upward (from you to your boss). It would actually be a bit unseemly for your boss to accept gifts from you in most situations, especially gift cards. Think of this as similar to the way your boss would pay if she took you out to lunch — it’s a reflection of the power dynamics, and it’s fine to simply accept graciously without feeling pressure to reciprocate.

5. Virtual meetings: is it rude to call someone out by name when their mic is on?

I’ve noticed in virtual meetings in a variety of contexts that most people seem to agree that it’s rude or inappropriate to call someone out by name when their mic is on and causing a disruption. Instead of saying “Jack, we’re getting some background noise, could you please mute?” or announcing “Diane, I’m putting you on mute since you seem to be on another phone call,” they’ll say, “Someone seems to have an open mic, could everyone who’s not speaking please check that they’re on mute?”

I find this pretty annoying — every platform shows who’s “talking” and who’s muted, so the problem person isn’t a mystery, and often this results in Jack and Diane carrying on disrupting the meeting, either assuming they aren’t the problem or not paying enough attention to the meeting to hear the pleas for “everyone” to check their mute button. I’d much prefer to be direct and either let the disruptive person know or use host-powers to mute others by fiat and end the disruption quickly, but in the past I’ve gotten negative reactions for naming the disruptor (I’m usually not the meeting host). What am I missing here?

In my experience, it’s pretty common to name the offender — for exactly the reasons you say — so we must be in very different meeting environments! I’m wondering if you’re in settings that are more on the “soften the message”/touchy-feely end of the culture spectrum.

Anyway, the reason you’re getting negative reactions when you step in and name the person might be because you’re not the host and people feel you’re usurping the host’s authority (and doing that in a culture where the hosts generally choose not to do it). But yes, the hosts should be doing it.