Ask a Manager

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. VP says people working from home haven’t developed as much

My company has announced a return to office plan for January. After the announcement last month, my VP held a meeting with our group, during which he said, “People who have been working in the office have developed more than those working from home.” Now, we all know this may be true — but neither our company nor he has ever required anyone to come in, until our now.

If there was never a requirement to come in, is he just stating facts or does what he said toe the line of being an HR issue?

It’s not an HR issue. He’s not saying, “You’re in trouble for not doing something that was never required.” He’s saying “This is a relevant difference I’ve observed.”

Of course, he may or may not be right about that. He definitely could be! There are jobs where it’s easier to grow when you’re in the office around other people — especially junior-level jobs, where a ton of learning happens from being around more experienced people and observing them doing their own jobs. And if that’s so, it makes sense that he’s flagging it as part of the reason he thinks the change is a good one. Or of course, it’s also possible that he has no basis for the statement and just sees everything through an “in office is better” lens, because those people exist too.

But there’s no HR issue here (at least not unless it starts playing out in clearly unfair ways, like if people are getting better performance ratings solely for having been in the office, while objectively higher performers are rated lower because they worked from home … but even that stuff can get fuzzy, because he might weigh aspects of people’s work differently than you do).

Related:
does working remotely harm your chances of advancement?
did the pandemic really show we can be just as effective working from home?

2. Is it suggestive to say “it’s so good to see you”?

I am a woman in my upper 20s. A 50something-year-old man who works on my floor but in another department (so our paths rarely cross) went around to some of the offices near his own to let us know, mostly one-by-one, that he will be starting a cancer treatment soon, presumably so we would not wonder at his absences and would hear it from him directly instead of through the rumor mill. I expressed what I believe to be a standard, empathetic response about thoughts and prayers (we are both Christian).

A few weeks later, we bumped into each other when no one else happened to be around. After he shared a little about his treatment, in wrapping up the conversation I stated with more emotion than I would typically use in professional conversation, “It’s so good to see you.” There was a palpable change in his expression and body language, and he quickly said, “I’ll let my wife know you say hi'” and turned and left. I was confused by the direction the conversation had taken (I had met his wife once or twice and spoken with her briefly, but the comment felt out of place in this context). It dawned on me that perhaps my comment had felt too familiar and made him uncomfortable, as if it was meant in a suggestive way. I felt a little embarrassed but tried to brush it off, knowing my intentions were pure and he has bigger things to deal with.

Months later, he was experiencing remarkable recovery and I began seeing him around the office again. The first time I did, in spite of myself, I somehow said again, “It’s so good to see you.” I immediately internally cringed and, sure enough, the statement garnered the same response as the first time.

I am a little socially awkward, especially about such serious topics, so I am seeking some advice about whether I need to ban this phrase from all further workplace interactions with people. If it ever were to slip out while talking with other coworkers, I would like to know if the meaning can be misconstrued and, if so, if I need to make a point of never saying it. Or am I maybe misinterpreting why he responded that way? In terms of my future interactions with this person specifically, I plan to keep things polite, professional, and perhaps a little more distant for his own comfort level moving forward.

“It’s so good to see you” is a pretty normal thing to say, especially when someone has been away or sick. It’s not suggestive. Of course, like anything, it could be said in a suggestive way — like if you looked him up and down while saying it, or gave him a lascivious look — but assuming you’re not doing that, it’s really not suggestive. It’s just kind. I suspect the issue is on his side; he might be one of those men who assumes every friendly overture by a woman is a come-on.

Now that you know he reacts weirdly to it, it makes sense to be more distant with him, but you definitely don’t need to ban the phrase from your conversation with others.

3. My employee seems annoyed when he’s assigned certain tasks

I’m noticing a trend in an employee who joined my team after working on another team at our company, Fergus. Fergus has been with the company a long time, although he only switched roles earlier this year, and is one of the most capable people I’ve ever worked with. I’m so thankful he chose our team. However, I’m starting to see a pattern when I assign work or projects that he views as too remedial for his skill set. I will ask Fergus to pitch in on such an item and I can tell immediately that he does not like that he’s being asked to do the task. He was very unhappy in his old role, which is why he switched, and it seems that these tasks in some way remind him of his old job that he wants nothing to do with or he feels they are beneath him. Our team is used to dealing with these types of odd requests, as we can be a bit of a catch-all for the organization.

Now that this has come up a few times, I’m thinking I need to address this. Honestly, I would be willing to do these things myself if I had the bandwidth and my manager would allow it (but they expect that these items will be delegated by me to others on the team). How do I let him know how much I value his experience and the work he does on bigger items while addressing that sometimes we all get asked to do tasks at work that we don’t want to do, especially on a team like ours where the expectation is you help where you are needed?

Name what you’re seeing, and what the reality of the job is. For example: “I might be reading you wrong, but I’ve gotten the sense that you really don’t like being asked to do tasks like X or Y. I want to be up-front that tasks like X and Y are part of the job and that’s unlikely to change.” He might not realize his irritation has been so noticeable (and this would hopefully be a nudge to rein it in) or he might have avoided looking at the reality of the job head-on and this might nudge him to think about whether he can live with it reasonably happily, or who knows what. But step one is to lay out that this is the job and see what kind of response you get.

But before you do that, I want to ask this: if he’s more capable than others on your team — and I’m not sure that he is, but it sounds possible — would it make sense to structure his role so that he’s mostly working on higher-level stuff that he’s better than others at? On many teams you don’t need everyone’s job structured the same way and it can make sense to have higher-skilled people in more senior roles. You wouldn’t want to do this if he’s not that much better than other team members, but if he’s really good it’s worth considering whether his skills warrant it. If not, have the conversation above.

4. My boss is sending me job postings

I need a reality check here. My boss is sending me job postings for positions outside our company, some even out of state!

I can’t help but feel like I’m being managed out because these job postings come on top of being denied promotions, being left out of important conversations, and her showing favoritism to other employees. I am actively looking to move on, but she doesn’t know that. Is this weird?

It’s definitely possible she’s prodding you to move on, especially combined with the other things you’re noticing. But some managers do this with good intentions — it’s genuinely “I want to see you grow and this seems like a great next move for you.”

Why not ask? There’s nothing wrong with saying, “What made you send me those job postings?” In some relationships, you could add, “I want to make sure there’s not a message I’m missing.” If you weren’t actively looking to leave, it could also be an opening to say something like, “Ideally I’d like to stay here and advance, and I’m wondering if your sense is that I’m better off looking for that somewhere else.”

Read an update to this letter. 

5. Putting speed reading on a resume

I’m a speed reader. Really. I taught myself to read when I was two, and have been zooming through 200-300 books a year ever since. I retain content, I’m not just skimming.

This is something my parents constantly tell me I should put on my resume. I can see their argument, as it’s a hugely useful asset in many ways (quickly becoming domain-ready, digging into complex research problems, getting through those 500 emails a day, etc.).

However, I struggle with how to put it on a resume in a way that sounds … well, real, and piques the hiring manager’s interest without sounding a little juvenile or braggy. Do you have any advice on how to navigate this, and whether it is appropriate resume material?

There’s not a really obvious place for it to go, but if you have a section for hobbies or skills, you could put it there. (A skills section would be the most obvious fit, as long as the rest of what’s there is worth using the real estate for; a lot of skills sections are unnecessary.)

It’s not going to sound braggy or juvenile. It won’t get you a job on its own but it’s more interesting and potentially more professionally relevant than “running marathons” and “jazz aficionado” and “strong communicator” and other stuff people sometimes list, and it could end being something a hiring manager asks you about.

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Our trainer wants us to “get emotional” with each other

I work in education. Specifically, in an urban high school with a high proportion of disadvantaged students with trauma and/or learning disabilities. Work and professional development events can get kind of touchy-feely (emotionally) because so much of what we do is based on forming relationships with our students. Most recently, our school is putting in place a “restorative justice circles” program. The general idea is to regularly do talking “circles” to form community, talk through hard community or life events, and restore relationships after fights or other behavior issues. The circles have a protocol and a talking piece, etc. All teachers are getting trained to run them. They might turn out to be a really good thing for our students or they might be another education fad that will be gone by next year.

At the last meeting, an outside consultant introduced the idea of circles to us and touted their success in other schools. He will be training us on how to conduct the circles. He ended the meeting by saying that our next meeting will consist of practicing the circles and getting emotional with one another. The idea of which being, you have to be willing to share something of yourself in order to expect to form real relationships.

I am not a big emotion sharer at work at the best of times. This month I’ve returned from maternity leave with my first baby to a new staff (last year was terrible, everyone quit but three teachers, a story for another time) and new routines and it’s been especially tough. Is there any way to professionally opt out of something like this, without looking like I am not a team player?

They want all teachers trained to run these circles? That seems like a terrible idea to me — not everyone is suited to doing this kind of work, and I’m sure we can all think of teachers we had who no student would have trusted in that role. However, assuming your leadership isn’t receptive to that argument and they’re committed to going forward with it…

Based on how they’ve framed it so far, I doubt you can opt out of this piece of the training without opting out of the whole thing. Your easiest path might be to participate but come prepared with really bland responses. They can tell you they want you to get emotional (!) but they can’t actually make you do it. Instead, you can share things that you’re not emotionally invested in. Hell, you can make things up! When people are stuck in a work-mandated activity that wants them to share more of themselves than they’re comfortable with, and when they don’t have the capital or standing to get out of it, that’s often the simplest approach … and most of the time it works because no one is paying that much attention to any one person’s contributions.

For the record, I’d love to give you different advice and suggest you fight the whole thing, pointing out how violating it is and how dangerous it is for some people to be vulnerable at work, but it’s an uphill battle and you’re already exhausted. It’s okay to decide to just take the path of least resistance.

Read an update to this letter. 

2. Tamale theft

A coworker stole my tamales out of the communal freezer at work. Would it be inappropriate to leave a note in the freezer saying “to whomever stole my tamales, your mom is a ho”?

I’m pretty sure you know that would be both misogynistic and rude.

3. How do I stop being excessively loyal to my jobs?

I’m a lawyer and my profession is definitely my personality. I absolutely love my work. The problem is that I get excessively loyal to my workplace, even when it’s toxic or detrimental to my upward mobility and mental health. For example, I formerly worked for a government agency with a supervisor that was demeaning and allowed for zero work/life balance but I hung in for 12 long years because I was so committed to the work.

I’m currently working for a firm that is truly a sinking ship. We’re taking in almost no money and we can’t hire competent staff, invest in new technologies, or even buy supplies on occasion. I fully recognize that I’ve maximized my earning ability here and live in constant fear that the whole thing will collapse. My supervisor is very much the kind of person who takes care of himself financially first and even though he’s promised partnership, I also know how much debt the firm is in and that it would be a terrible investment. However, I love the work and feel this weird internal motivation to see the firm succeed, even if I’ll never reap the benefits. I know that I don’t owe this place anything and that my primary motivator should be taking care of myself. How do I break this curse of obsessive loyalty despite obvious toxicity?

To figure this out, you’re going to need to identify what need this fills in you — and that can mean digging pretty deep psychologically. For example, are you fulfilled by feeling like you’re the one bringing order to chaos or that things would fall apart without you? If so, any chance you filled that role or a similar one in your family when you were growing up? Or, did you grow up in chaos and/or scarcity and so at some level this feels familiar and comfortable to you? Staying on the childhood theme, because that’s what a lot of this stuff is rooted in, did your role models growing up teach you that you don’t leave no matter how bad things are? Or that you don’t deserve good things so you should take whatever you can get?

When there’s a pattern in your life that isn’t serving you but you’re having trouble breaking it, it’s often because it was wired into your brain pretty early, and therapy can really help you unwire it.

4. Going back on an offer of hardware

I’m about to join a small but growing company as a software engineer. My manager asked what sort of computer hardware and setup I’d like, as they would purchase completely new equipment for me (they shared they use XYZ setup). I said I would prefer ABC setup, as I’m used to working on ABC. They responded that “management would prefer you go with XYZ to keep it consistent across the company.”

I don’t mind going with XYZ, but WHY did you ask for my preference in the first place if I didn’t really have a choice? I find this lack of openness about something so simple really weird and a potential red flag, especially for a company that prides itself on having transparency and “no bullsh*t” as core values. What do I make of this?

My guess is that they weren’t asking whether you wanted, for example, Apple or Windows, but rather if there were particular specs your computer needs to have or if you work with a second monitor or so forth.

5. How much enthusiasm should we care about candidates showing for the organization?

I was recently on a selection panel with three other interviewers. We had a discussion about how much enthusiasm a candidate should show for the organization. For the opening “tell us why you applied for this job” question, one interviewer kept downgrading candidates who mentioned the importance of the organization but pivoted fairly quickly to the job itself. I agreed that the one candidate who didn’t mention the organization at all probably should have at least indicated which organization they were applying to work at, but extended monologues about how important the organization was and the great work we do was not necessary. In my opinion, being motivated by the job itself was as legitimate as being motivated by our organization’s mission.

What weight would you give to mission vs. job as a persuasive answer to this opening interview question? Should we even be assessing this question, which has always seemed to me to be a softball to help the candidate relax?

If you do advocacy or many other types of nonprofit work, you do want to see a commitment to the objectives of the organization — but it doesn’t need to be a major focus or passion. In fact, after working in nonprofits for years, I haven’t seen any correlation between visible passion for the mission and effectiveness! I’d much rather see a passion for the job the person will be doing (and even that isn’t that useful unless it’s backed up by skills and a track record of getting things done).

“Tell us why you applied for this job” can give you interesting information, but it’s not something you should be placing a huge amount of weight on except in the rare cases that something really notable comes out in response (like a complete misunderstanding of what the organization does, not an insufficient focus on it).