Ask a Manager

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Everyone at my new job loves my high school bully

I’m an actor and just started rehearsals for a play. A woman who bullied me terribly in high school is active in my city’s theater community. Luckily, I haven’t run into her as I was busy with college and then lived in a different city for a couple of years. One of my castmates offhandedly mentioned her. I said that I went to high school with her, but obviously did not mention the bullying. The castmate began singing her praises, and others joined in. I thought my heart was going to stop.

I’m nearly 30, but I am not over what she did to me. Without getting into details, she enlisted other students and even a faculty member in her bullying. I began self-harming, attempting suicide, and spent some time in intensive outpatient therapy.

I now have to hear about her almost every night. I can’t say anything about the bullying, because I don’t want to bring up old drama and I don’t want her to find out she still has this effect on me. The show will be over by November, but I don’t know if I can continue like this for that long. I’m physically ill and my work at my day job is slipping. Dropping out isn’t an option. What do you think I should do?

You’ve taken the two most obvious options off the table: saying something or dropping out. If you’re physically ill and it’s affecting your day job, you need to do one of those. Saying something would be the easiest! You don’t need to get into details; you can simply say, “Jane and I have a rough history and it’s messing with my focus to talk about her so frequently — could you not bring her up around me so often?”

Does this sound like there’s A Story and might it make people curious to know what happened? Yes. But that doesn’t need to be your problem. If anyone pries for details, you can say, “I really don’t want to talk about it, it was years ago.” If people wonder, so be it. The alternative is continuing to hear about her all the time.

However … if she’s active in your city’s theater community and you’re going to be part of that community, realistically this is likely to keep coming up. It’s actually pretty weird that they’re bringing her up so frequently — what is so interesting to them about this woman?! — but apparently that’s the situation. So I do think you’ve got to decide if you’re up for remaining active in that community yourself, knowing Jane will be be around/discussed, or whether you’d rather disengage. And that sucks! You should be able to participate in community theater if you want to. But those are probably the choices. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.

Also, would it help to check in with a therapist for a few sessions, given the impact this is having on your quality of life? I imagine it might be awfully demoralizing to think you’re once again having to seek therapy because of Jane, but we’re talking about something that’s making you physically ill and affecting your job.

If all of this sounds like too much to bother to deal with, I’d honestly consider quitting the play. I know you said it’s not an option, but it would presumably be an option if you had something else health-related going on, right? (There too, I imagine it might be demoralizing to feel like you have to quit something all these years later because of Jane, but you really don’t need to just power through.)

2. My employee is bad at communicating

I am moving into a management position for the first time in many years. The last time I had a direct report, it was a disaster. My current direct report is great — he’s enthusiastic and a quick learner. This is also his first job out of college so it’s a big learning curve. And I really, really don’t want to mess up managing again!

So far the only issue I’ve encountered is a communication issue. When he’s speaking to me, I often find it hard to get a handle on what he’s trying to say, and end up having to ask a lot of questions so I can nail down the information.

For example, he will use the word “they” to refer to multiple individuals in a conversation, so I have to keep asking him which of the various people involved he’s referring to, or he’ll send Teams messages that are vague. The other day, he sent me a Teams message the other day about a technical issue during a presentation that said, “I keep seeing my messages” when what he meant was that his Teams notifications were popping up during a shared screen and he didn’t know how to turn them off.

I want to give him some constructive feedback, but saying “get better at communicating” doesn’t seem specific or actionable enough. Ideally, I’d like to be able to grasp what he’s saying without having to ask a lot of clarifying questions. Do you have any advice for how to address this, or any advice for a new manager who really, really wants to be a good manager?

The next time it happens, name it in the moment and ask clearly for what you want him to do differently. So for example, the next time he’s using “they” to refer to multiple people, say, “You’re saying ’they’ for a bunch of different people and I don’t know who you’re referencing. Can you make a point of using each person’s name, not just now but in all the time? It’ll make conversations easier to follow.” (I wonder if you’ve hesitated to say that because it’s so basic that it might feel condescending — but the fact is, what he’s doing is a problem and there’s no other way to get him to change it.) You can also name the pattern itself: “You sometimes send me messages without giving me enough background to know the context. For example, X and Y. Can you make a point of including a couple of sentences of context when you message me so that I have the background on what we’re talking about?”

More broadly: I don’t know what the management disaster was last time, but make sure you’ve reflected on whatever happened, identified what you should have done differently, and internalized those lessons. There’s also tons of help available for new managers if you seek out it! Weirdly, companies don’t always offer much support to new managers, but there’s guidance out there if you look for it. Ideally you’d have a more experienced manager as a mentor to bounce things off of, but there are books, classes, articles… Here’s one starting place.

3. Company wants us to pay for a work trip

Every year my company hosts a company trip for partners in the company (it’s a start-up, so a majority of employees were offered partnership).

This is my first year being invited to attend. We got a group “discount” at the recommended hotel the meetings will be held in and a $100 reimbursement. Alison, I’m at the admin level, I can’t feasibly drop $700 for a weekend and have to use a day of PTO to ensure I get there on a Friday. It’s optional to go, but we are HEAVILY encouraged and repeatedly asked to attend. After I pushed back, they finally booked the rooms for us and offered a partial work day to head out to the destination. But even then it’s still expensive, and they are refusing work from home. We also are attending work sessions that we are not going to be paid for under the guise that it’s strategic planning.

Am I crazy in thinking they should do more to cover our costs? Or do companies really just pay for rooms and everything else you cover?

Let me get this straight: They’re heavily pressuring you to attend a work trip but expecting you to pay for your own hotel (minus their contribution of $100) and use PTO to travel to it? And then while you’re there, it won’t count as work time?

Lol no. That’s utterly ridiculous.

Employers are expected to pay the cost of business travel (hotel and transportation at a minimum, and ideally meals as well), your travel time shouldn’t come out of PTO, and if you’re non-exempt you need to be paid for the work sessions that happen on the trip. That last part is federal law; it’s not up to them.

If the trip were both optional and purely recreational (like a reward where you weren’t expected to do any work), this would still be pretty stingy. The fact that it’s an actual work trip and you’re being pressured to go moves this into the realm of outrageous.

What happens if you say, “I’d like to go but I can’t afford the expenses or the PTO”?

4. How do I get out of some of these meetings?

My calendar is filling up with 1:1 check-ins with people not in my vertical. These check-ins started as a way to collaborate more in our remote jobs, and often they are helpful. But I think it’s taking over my week a little too much and I’m constantly struggling to find focus time. I think it would be helpful to reduce cadence on a few of these check-ins but it’s hard to tell people “I want to meet with you less!” Do you have a suggestion on how to ask this diplomatically?

“I’ve been slammed lately and need to carve out more time for project work (or “to meet some deadlines” or whatever makes sense in your context). Can we change the cadence of our meetings to ___?” (Fill in the blank with monthly, every other week, as needed, or whatever makes sense.) Hell, you can even say, “I urgently need to carve out some space on my calendar over the next few weeks. Can we put our check-ins on hold for now?”

5. Did I mess up by referring to a “suspended” hiring process?

I recently had a great first interview with an in-house recruiter for a role I am really excited about. The recruiter told me that she would be moving me to the next step and that I would hear from her within the next week. After two weeks, I sent a brief, polite follow-up email just to check in and see if there were any updates.

The recruiter wrote back saying that they had several recruitment processes going on and they were “unable to progress any further for now” with recruitment for the role in question. I replied that I was sorry to hear that the process had been suspended, but I was still excited about the opportunity and asked her to please get back in touch when they were ready to restart.

She responded that the process was not suspended, it was ongoing, they just couldn’t move as quickly. This directly contradicted her first message and the tone suggested that I’d offended her. I fired back a quick apology and reiterated that I would love to hear from her when they’re ready.

Did I screw up? Is “suspended” a dirty word? It seemed accurate in response to her first message. Do I need to do more to fix this?

“Suspended” isn’t a dirty word and I doubt you offended the recruiter or misstepped. She was simply clarifying that they’re not stopping recruitment; it’s just slowing way down / is on the back burner as a priority right now. There’s nothing to fix; all is fine.

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. My boss won’t do anything about my lazy coworker

I’ve worked for 14 years as an individual contributor on a team of six technologists. We split the day-to-day work evenly amongst ourselves, and are all used to having to take on a bit more if someone calls in sick or something along those lines … we all just push through and it gets done.

What is there to be done about a coworker who is clearly not doing their share due to obvious time mismanagement? One of my fellow techs, William, wanders in anywhere from 10-25 minutes late almost every morning (often with a drive-through coffee in his hand). He frequently takes much longer breaks than we are allowed, and I often observe him wasting time chatting with other colleagues and hiding in corners of the office playing on his cell phone. I have kept track, and this often amounts to a couple of hours per day.

Our supervisor, Thomas, has had many meetings with all six of us in which he clearly lays out his expectations regarding personal chit chat, timeliness, cell phone use, etc. But William doesn’t seem to care. He continues to blatantly disregard expectations, and when called out on it (usually by me, always in a calm, professional manner, referencing the expectations previously laid out by Thomas), his response is to give me the silent treatment, sometimes for days on end, only speaking to me in monosyllables when it’s absolutely necessary. When I bring this up to Thomas (the behaviors I’ve observed, and the subsequent freeze-outs), the only answer I get is something wishy washy along the lines of, “I’m keeping an eye on it.”

I genuinely like my work aside from this, and I care about doing a good job every day and being honest about how I spend my time, so it’s disheartening to see William continually allowed to put in far less effort than the rest of us, with no apparent consequences. What, if anything, can I do? I’d be so grateful for any insight you can provide, even if it’s just a reality check that this is sometimes just the way things are.

This is indeed sometimes just the way things are.

But the reason they’re this way is because your boss sucks. I suppose it’s possible that he’s managing William more actively behind the scenes and you just don’t know about it, but I doubt it given that the problems are continuing, and since Thomas apparently thinks the way to “manage” William is to have group meetings rather than correct William one-on-one. Thomas sounds like a wimp who doesn’t want to address issues with William directly so instead is choosing the weakest possible management approach.

William sucks, but Thomas sucks more.

Related:
my boss sends scolding emails to all of us — and then tells me I shouldn’t take them personally

2. My coworker shared a colleague’s personal info with me

I’m a woman in my 30s working in state government in an upper admin-type role. Our office is great in that we are a strong team and folks enjoy each other’s company, but there isn’t a “we’re family” vibe. We have quite a few men with a common first name, let’s say John.

My coworker Carol is relatively senior in terms of job title, but not my boss. We have a cordial relationship but are not “work friends.” Carol has previously made it clear to the office that it is very important to her that we know when her birthday is and celebrate it.

Last week, I was getting my lunch ready in the kitchen and Carol walked in. We exchange greetings and then she asks me, “So, did we do anything for John?” I’m wracking my brain trying to figure out which John she’s referring to. It can’t be the one who just lost a family member, because his team already organized a condolence card for him, so who could it be?

I must have looked confused, so she clarified, “You know, his dad and the accident. I just thought we should do something.” I told her that I didn’t know what she was talking about, and she said she saw us chatting yesterday, so she thought she’d ask. Now I know which John she’s talking about, but I still have no idea why she thinks I would know about this. John works in a different department, and while we do have a friendly work relationship, we mostly talk about our mutual hobbies and interests, not personal stuff.

I asked another coworker who is usually in the know about these things, and she also had no idea, so I decided to just ask John. I made it clear that this might be a weird question and awkwardly asked if everything was okay with his family. He looked taken aback but explained that yes, his dad was in a bad accident a month ago but is doing very well now. He was gracious about it and I apologized repeatedly and explained that Carol had said something, which he looked annoyed about. He said he’d specifically not told many folks at work because he needed work to be an escape from that stress.

I think that my working relationship with John is still okay, but I’m very annoyed with Carol. If someone shares that sort of thing with you in confidence, you shouldn’t go blabbing it to the rest of the office, let alone a different department! And asking me (admin) if we’ve “done anything” (undertone: “you should do something”) when she (not admin) could very well have organized something herself was annoying.

I don’t know if this is just a different understanding of what a workplace and workplace relationships are, but I don’t expect anyone but (maybe) my closest coworkers to celebrate my birthday or share condolences about a difficult family situation. Am I off-base here? Would appreciate any advice/criticism, either on how I handled the situation or how I could handle future interactions with Carol.

Nah, you’re not off-base. But most of this sounds like it could have simply been miscommunication; if John didn’t make it clear to Carol that he didn’t want the info shared, she may not have realized it. Possibly she should have! But that’s between her and John.

She was wrong to imply you should organize something when you’re not on John’s team, and I’d make a mental note not to share anything with Carol that you don’t want repeated, but otherwise I wouldn’t worry much about any of this.

About your broader question about the way she sees relationships at work versus the way you do: as long as she’s not pressuring other people to do things they don’t want to do (like pushing people to celebrate their own birthdays at work if they don’t want to), I’d mark this all down to people just falling in different places on the spectrum of how they like to connect with colleagues.

3. Getting a degree from a nationally accredited school

I am a 34-year-old single mom who has spent years and over $80k trying to obtain a degree. Unfortunately, I’ve made every possible mistake — transferred schools four times, changed my major multiple times, and dropped out due to financial and life challenges.

Earning a degree is still a bucket list item for me, but with $80k in debt and no degree, the financial burden feels overwhelming. I recently came across an affordable, nonprofit online school called University of the People, where classes cost just $100 each. I could complete a business administration degree, which is exactly what I need for career advancement, and I can definitely afford it.

However, it looks like this school is nationally accredited, rather than regionally accredited. How much are employers going to care that the degree is nationally accredited?

First, for readers who don’t know, regional accreditors generally have much more rigorous standards than national accreditors, and a lot of crappy for-profit schools are nationally accredited because they can’t get regionally accredited.

To your question: It’s less that employers will look up whether a school is regionally or nationally accredited and more that the school itself doesn’t have a strong reputation. (Although it’s at least nonprofit, which is a plus!)

If you just need the degree for box-checking purposes (like if your company won’t promote you beyond a certain level without a degree), it will probably be fine. If you’re hoping it will carry the same weight as a degree from a more traditional school (in terms of academic rigor and general reputation), it won’t. So it really depends on what your reason are for pursuing the degree.

Related:
do employers really care where you went to school?

4. Client said I can’t talk to my coworker

I am a project manager who implements healthcare software with clients around the country.

One client has contracted an internal employee of my company (a coworker of mine) to assist them since two client staff members quit during the first week of the software launching. (I am not surprised given that the client is rude, demanding, and has staff that are not kind to each other.) I met with my coworker one-on-one to see how it was going. I myself have had a rough patch with this client and wanted to make sure that they were not being aggressive and outlandish in their requests.

Well, the client found out I met with my coworker without them there, and they are now saying I cannot meet with her to discuss anything with her without them. I stated that I wanted the coworker to have an opportunity to speak openly about how it was going for her. The client then replied back that if the coworker had questions/concerns, she should bring it up to them.

Was I out of line for checking with the coworker on her experience so far? I wanted to just gather how it was going for her from a project perspective.

It’s completely normal for people within an organization to meet to talk about how work is going, and clients can’t dictate that that not happen (unless it’s confidential work where each person involved in the project needs to be specially cleared, but that doesn’t sound like the case here). The inner workings of your company are none of their business. Are they also going to say her manager can’t check in with her about her work on their project?

Practically speaking, you and your coworker should just not mention future conversations to the client, but this is weird.

5. My employer wants me to pay for a separate phone so they can reach me at night

My employer has recently begun demanding I keep my cell on 24/7 in case they need me to cover reception in an emergency. We do not have emergency matters, just the receptionist might call in sick.

I have declined to keep my phone on so it doesn’t ping me at all hours, which happens because of auto reminders from doctors and texts from family and friends three time zones ahead. I said I would hold a phone from my employer.

My employer is insisting on taking my WFH stipend, or my money, to cover the cost for an excessive phone and plan of their choosing. This is apparently all illegal in my state (California). How do I respond without getting fired and without having to use my funds to pay their bills?

California does indeed have a law that employers must reimburse all business expenses and can’t ask employees to shoulder them. So you could simply say, “We could get in trouble under California law for that, since the state requires employers to cover business expenses, including phones.”

The WFH stipend might complicate this, depending on exactly how that’s structured; it’s possible this could legally fall under the expenses that the stipend should cover (although based on your letter, I’m skeptical that it would; you could check with a lawyer in your state if you want to be sure).

The other option, if you don’t feel like dealing with this, is just to set the number they’d be calling from to emergency bypass so it rings through even if you have Do Not Disturb on. You shouldn’t have to do that (and it will only work if you program in all the possible numbers they might call from), but it’s an option.

Related:
what to do when your employer is breaking the law