Ask a Manager

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past.

Remember the letter-writer whose boss made her wear the boss’s clothes, eat the boss’s food, and say she was grateful for her job? The first update was here, and here’s the latest.

Last I sent, I had just quit my job with the horrible boss in order to pursue freelance gigs. I’d been having enough freelance success while employed that I thought I could resign, achieve my Adobe certification within 3 months, and hit the ground running for a new job. That was early 2020 so… as my plan did not anticipate a pandemic, it didn’t quite shake out the way I’d hoped.

I limped on through 2020/2021, surviving on freelance work and a very lucrative translating opportunity that fell into my lap. (Think Latin or Ancient Greek, which I studied in college.) However, as much as I loved being a freelancer, with the ability to set my own schedule and allow myself to travel, I started to get nervous about the impending end of my translation gig. I definitely needed to up my freelance work intake or find gainful employment elsewhere. Also, I went back to assist Horrible Boss a few times, and kept in touch over email, but as the pandemic progressed my mental health took a downward turn, so I cut her off. Probably the best decision I’ve ever made.

So, I had settled on applying to full time jobs. I brushed up my resume (with help from your site) and started looking. I was actually about to email you separately about how to list a job in which you don’t want the recruiter to contact your former employer. I have plenty of wonderful freelance clients, who I have asked to give me references and they’ve all enthusiastically agreed. However, I was worried about the stealth reference check and I want to ensure my former boss is not contacted. I did not want to leave the job with Horrible Boss completely off my resume, because it showed some discernible progress in my skills, proves I can work in an office environment, etc. However, months before I quit that job, Boss told me (almost gleefully) about how she torpedoed a former employee’s next job reference. (For what it’s worth, the former employee was a college intern who was expected to work the day after Christmas. When the employee said no and quit, Boss trashed her on every reference call she received. Which, as I said, was a tale she almost told me giddily. I understand sometimes employees need to work holidays but… her reaction seems Dickesian Villanesque.)

Well, I was in the midst of contemplating this quandary when my partner was able to purchase a house! (Yay!). I’d done some real estate photography editing previously, but never shot it myself, so I asked my partner if I could go use his house as practice. Partner called his agent, the agent asked for my number and called me 10 minutes later. Apparently the agent had been doing all the photography for the firm but was a.) sick of it and b.). about to leave on his honeymoon for a month, so they needed someone fast.

So yeah, I did a test run with them, they loved my work, and now I’m a contract employee for their real estate firm. Honestly, the best of both worlds for me! I’m getting enough shoots a week to alleviate financial anxiety, but still maintaining enough flexibility to manage my time how I like. I didn’t realize work like this was possible. Even if it wasn’t, I had multiple relatives/friends comment on how after I quit that job my general attitude seemed significantly improved, and I FEEL it too. Thank you so much Alison to you and your readers for making it clear how NOT normal that job was, how I could and should deserve better, and should not put up with being treated like that. (Also, I ran the numbers from my tax returns, and for all Boss’s pontifications about how great a job that was, I still made way less money than I did bartending.)

I still wish old Boss the best, just glad I’m not involved in her life orbit anymore.

Once again thank you and your readers. Would never have the courage to leave that situation without your support.

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are four updates from past letter-writers.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

1. New receptionist has a shopping habit

She got written up for this exact same thing again, along with another (much more severe) issue. She “took the day” to get over her shock at being written up, and then never came back to work. She put in her notice after being out of the office for two weeks. I am not sad to see her go, for this and many other reasons.

2. My coworker won’t stop buying me gifts

I’m the one who wrote about her coworker that kept bringing gifts to me. This one took QUITE a turn.

I tried the script out nearly immediately after you gave it to me. At first, she said I was a “jokester” and she knew that I actually wanted everything she gave me. I had to do this two or three more times with different food items. After the final time, I was no longer her friend. She kept telling everyone I was no fun, boring, and “the world’s biggest buzzkill.” I told her to cut those comments and she, predictably, said she was “just joking.” I got my supervisor involved, and he told her to just not engage with me. This was preferable to me because she was really starting to aggravate me.

A few months later, I started to transition at work and let her know that I was going by she/they pronouns. She made a huge stink about it and said that there’s no such thing as a “them” because “people aren’t plural.” Also I’d “never be a woman” and I was somehow a pervert. This was a very public outburst and she embarrassed me and other people in the room. Our supervisor spoke to her about it immediately considering how public the outburst was. She was given the ultimatum to either stop her behavior or leave, and she opted to leave so she wouldn’t be “controlled by the pronoun police.”

Good riddance.

3. I’m asked to do more work because my slacker coworkers won’t

A few days after I wrote my letter, I received a call to interview for a job similar to my previous job but at a higher level. I received an offer for that job and started mid-March.

I now work on a team with very ambitious people who inspire me to try harder everyday.

Three of my former teammates have also left our old job in the last 2-3 months. I hope others will be motivated by those of us who’ve already left.

I’m thankful for all the advice given and realize just how miserable I actually was.

4. Should I send anything to an employee who’s out sick for several weeks? (#5 at the link)

The team member is question returned to work and continued to be very private about his health and family so I’m kinda glad I gave him space. Unfortunately not long after that he was laid off, with severance, because our company missed a profitability goal. I helped him find a new job, which he wound up not taking because he won millions of dollars in the lottery while he was in the interview phase. The last I saw of him was the front page of the local paper showing him holding the giant check. It couldn’t have happened to a more deserving family!

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are four updates from past letter-writers.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

1. I got Covid at work and my company won’t cover my sick time (first update here)

I know it’s been a while but man I finally have a good update and figured I would share it if anyone was interested.

I ended up leaving the super villain company, and somehow ended up in an even worse one it was wild! They were kind when I required surgery, but it got to the point that within the 7 months I worked there I missed over a month of work from my inability to stay healthy. The company refused to hire cleaning staff and required staff to do it but also complained about overtime, it was pretty crazy. I finally woke up one day and decided clearly that field was never going to be what I wanted it to be, and I wouldn’t be the person who would change it even if that was devastating — I was in grad school for it, it’s my passion! But I ended up in a totally different field, working from home but still helping people and it’s been such a relief to not have to miss work constantly or be terrified I’ll get sick and be incapacitated again.

I would never have had the courage to explore my options if it wasn’t for your blog and insight, I tell coworkers all the time that we are helping professionals, not martyrs. Oh, totally tried to get on the grassroots movement for a union, but it is clearly not going anywhere, which is frustrating. For the love of god, people, please ask about cancellation policies and how employees are treated when you are choosing a provider for behavioral therapy, the people who work one on one with your kids have a lot of influence on the quality of services and we are treated terribly so frequently that is is almost impossible to provide the services I desperately wanted to provide.

Thanks for all of the advice. My work life is finally in a much better spot years later.

2. New employee refuses to learn technology

I’m not quite sure how to explain what’s happening. Short answer: the employee dodged my attempt at an ultimatum. She has made very gradual, incremental progress on technology but still underperforms in this area. I don’t mean to make excuses, but it’s a complicated situation. While she isn’t performing well in portions of her work (those that require technology and project management), she’s good at another element of it. She’s in a very rural community with a limited labor pool, as we know from previous hiring attempts — and it’s not a matter of how much we pay, just that there aren’t a lot of qualified people to choose from.

We are struggling with whether it’d be better to continue with someone problematic who we know already vs trying to find someone better who may not exist vs modifying this position entirely. A colleague and I are delivering her performance review this week and wondering how to frame up a three-month improvement plan… we shall see. It’s not something our organization has ever had to do before; we have very high performers across the board, so dealing with this person has been especially challenging. If you have any advice for the current situation with her, I’d love to hear it.

3. My trainer says I need to shadow her for a year before I can do my job

I’m still not sure what was up with June. I think she struggled to learn the job and didn’t have much faith in me as a result, but there was also some territorialism at play. I did raise my concerns with my boss, but he was very hands-off about it. I eventually refused to shadow June at all, and I was able to carve out some duties to do myself. June kept doing other parts of the job, and I honestly decided I wasn’t invested enough to fight it. Maybe that wasn’t very mature but I was very frustrated with the whole dynamic.

I decided to give the job a year and then I started looking within the organization for other positions. I wasn’t desperate, so I was able to be very choosy. I got the first thing I applied to – permanently remote, 30% pay raise and much more interesting work that actually utilizes my education. This experience with June led me to ask very explicit questions about training and communication during the interview, and I also asked my boss to set up a standing bi-weekly check-in meeting with me. In retrospect, the problem wasn’t June herself but the fact that I had a boss who I barely knew and who I didn’t feel comfortable contacting.

June is still in her job, and they didn’t bother to find a replacement for me.

4. Should I lie on my resume? (#2 at the link; first update here)

I thought I would drop one last update. I eventually ended up quitting the job I was working at when I last emailed you.

After some soul searching and figure out what I really wanted in life. I decided to pick up a contracting job landscaping just to earn a bit of cash while I decided what my next big move was going to be.

1. I had decided to return to university as a distance mature aged student. So I applied, and got accepted. I will be commencing I Bachelor of Science in the new year. Hooray!!!

2. I went to a recruitment agency and asked for a bit of refinement and polishing on my interview skills. They even gave me a list of commonly asked questions asked at interviews so I could rehearse answers for further job prospects I may look into.

Finally, a bit of interesting news. A few weeks after leaving the previously mentioned job, I received a phone call from my previous employer. They basically said they were losing too many sales a competitor. They offered me my job back and asked what I wanted to return to my previous sales/account manager role. I declined to tell them as I had no interest in returning. Instead, if they were really keen, they could make an offer. I know some people may say this is burning my bridges, but this is a company and industry I definitely will never be returning to.

Thanks again for all the help.

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

Remember the letter-writer who was dealing with a problematic member of a board games group? Here’s the update.

The update is a mixed one!

The bad news is that we ended up asking Q to leave the group last week. This was because the behaviours we had spoken to him about twice were repeating, and one member was planning to leave because of Q’s behaviour, and because of a conversation that I had with Q at the session before last.

Q spoke to me at the end of the session. He had apologised in person to the person involved in one of the incidents we had spoken to him about. In short, Q had made a joke which had come across as an insult. The person said that it was all fine (which could be for a lot of different reasons).

Q thought that due to this the second talk we had with him was totally unwarranted, but he said that he appreciated the reminders.

I sent Q a message last week. I was as kind as I could be, explained the reasons for us asking him to leave, and said that I could be wrong, but maybe he would be happier in a games group which was more serious and played heavier games. Q did not reply, but left the online groups we have for the games group and did not come to the next session.

The reason for sending a message rather than speaking to Q in person was that the only way to speak in person would be to do it at the end of a session. Given the layout of the hall, this would be hard to do without at least one person knowing, and I didn’t like the idea of Q sitting through a session with at least some people knowing that it was the last one.

I discussed it with Kelly, and we agreed that if people asked about Q not being there, we would give a short explanation but that we wouldn’t make a group wide announcement. So far reactions to the update have ranged from sympathy tinged with a comment that he was given two chances to a comment that he was given two clear, fair chances to improve.

It doesn’t feel great to have done it, but it was for the good of the whole group, and I do think that in the long run, Q will be happier in a different games group. We live in a smallish town and the board gaming community is small, so I don’t know if this will happen, realistically, but I hope that it will.

The games group is continuing to grow and thrive, and we have a good buffer built up now. Once we reach a certain amount, I’m hoping to use a local board game rental company (an independent company) at least once for the games group.

We had fourteen people at the session this week (which meant that we were in profit!) and everyone had a good time. I do think that our group had changed so much that Q wasn’t enjoying it as much as he did a couple of years ago, and the group was highly unlikely to change back.

Some of the commenters on the original post suggested considering changing the picking process for games, and we are working on making this quicker.

On a personal note, I also want to say thank you very much for all of the advice in this blog. I’m currently job hunting and using the advice and information here, and your suggested questions to ask at the end of an interview have impressed two interviewers so far!

The jobs I am applying for are to manage a team, as this is what I would like to do (having had experience in a previous job, and as I enjoy running the games group) and while asking Q to leave wasn’t the desired outcome, the process of managing this situation, based on the AAM advice, has been a really valuable experience for me.

I hope that you and all of your readers have a happy and healthy end of the year!

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are four updates from past letter-writers.

1. My coworker’s inattention to detail impacts my work (#3 at the link)

I ended up speaking to my manager, who talked to his manager, who presumably talked to him. I haven’t seen positive changes. I have noticed other poor/odd work habits in this coworker, and our other teammates have also commented on them (e.g., we have a recurring meeting that he says isn’t on his calendar–it’s been sent to him repeatedly).

I did change how I write up defects when I know it’ll be assigned to him. Instead of putting all the information in the defect ticket, I just write “see tasks” and then write up a subtask for each specific thing that needs to be addressed. It’s more time up-front on my end, I shouldn’t have to do it (as per my supervisor; also developers are expected to task out their own stories), but it keeps me from having to review the same work 3 times or having to sit on a call with this developer just to read aloud what I wrote in the defect.

Long term, we’ll see what happens. For now, I’ve found a better way of handling my direct work with him.

2. My employee blames others for her mistakes

I can’t say that there’s any revolutionary news. I’ve not had much success with this subordinate. She just feels personally attacked with every critique, even as I explain that it’s not about her as a person. I have been using your phrasing, but she will not sit down and just listen. I’ve even tried just to phrase it as a “this doesn’t feel like the most efficient way of doing things anymore as we’ve expanded, do you have ideas for a better system? You know this role best, so what would make it work better?” She tells me I’m the boss and she’ll do what I want. I’ve told her I want a new way to do it, and there’s just – nothing. Absolute radio silence. I follow up and get the same response. Rinse, repeat.

As I mentioned, there are multiple reasons that I couldn’t just let her go (without covering my butt, at least): disability, potential ageism claims, telling me she’d sue former employees if she had the money, and a lack of candidates for the position. Not only do I need to protect my business and myself, I’m already short-staffed and overwhelmed, so I can’t just walk her – I’m unable to take on any other roles at the moment.

That said, we switched to a new computer system this week, and one of the big pros is that it enables me to gather hard data on the job she’s doing. Before, it was done much more manually, and it was such a mess that all I knew was that she wasn’t doing a good job, but not how terrible it was. Every time I’d try to look at what she was doing, she’d say the Word or Excel file just disappeared on her, or she had created a duplicate that wasn’t shared, or she was doing it on paper, or or or. Since we don’t work in the same physical location, I was at a loss as to how to gather the evidence I needed when it just kept “disappearing.” Now, I have all that information at my fingertips – I was even able to ask today why nothing had been completed last week. Of course, another staff member was blamed for not doing her part of the job, but she couldn’t give me concrete examples (nor could I find any on my own investigation). I’m getting on the right track, but there’s still some ways to go.

3. My coworker keeps pressuring me to get pregnant

Unfortunately, as many commenters predicted, my coworker’s repulsive behavior did not get better, even after I was firm (nearly to the point of rudeness) with her intrusive and bizarre questions about my personal life. I also came to realize that this was merely one hellish facet of the most toxic workplace I have ever encountered, and six months in I began to look for something else. One thing I did not mention in the letter was that my coworker was also asking me to cover her work because she was a parent and needed more flexibility – all while continuously insulting me for being single and childless. It was Not Great to come to work for a long time, but because there are so few jobs in my field, I felt stuck.

I finally prepared to jump and had decided to leave with nothing lined up (shortly behind four other coworkers who also escaped) – but to my delight I found a great new job, in a great new city! With respectful coworkers! In the end, the woman obsessed with my reproductive choices was left with my workload and that of another employee she had also been inappropriate with. They still haven’t filled our jobs, months later. Thank you so much to you and everyone who commented – you all helped me to see that I didn’t need to put up with intrusive and inappropriate behavior.

4. Why do highly qualified people stay at dysfunctional companies? (first update here)

In retrospect, I wonder if Evil VP was actually evil, or if some senior people whipped each other up into a frenzy and it needlessly trickled down to the rest of the office. Evil VP is still here, but I don’t interact with his department, so I don’t know the lay of the land anymore.

Our office remains open, but we’re all still working from home. Only a handful of people go into the office at all. The office manager has tried a variety of incentives, but no one comes in – we’re not even sure if people will come to our holiday party. All this to say, it’ll be interesting to see what happens when our lease is up on the office space.

As for my own job – last time I wrote, I had just been reorganized to a new department. For awhile it was okay – I enjoyed the role more than my old one. But then I was assigned some very frustrating projects. I started dreading work. I was absolutely miserable for several months. I wasn’t making progress on any of my work, and my manager received his own promotion and couldn’t assist me. Luckily, a year and a half ago I applied for a new internal position on a team I really liked. I’m much much happier than I was before! I’m excelling in my new role. During my annual review, my manager rated me as Exceeding Expectations, which required a lot of extra work on her part. She also promoted me to a manager position. I’ve regained my confidence and am excited to see what the future brings.

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are five updates from past letter-writers.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

1. My office want to to offer “fun” but pointless perks (#2 at the link)

Your advice was very helpful – it was good to get a POV outside of the situation.

I’ll share the great news first: I’ve just left the organization and will be starting a new job (100% remote) making $15K more!

Rewind to after I sent in my question: We never got the gaming system, but the other ‘perks’ remained. Moreover, I negotiated for a new title and salary. The title was nonsense and the salary increase was not nearly enough. But it got worse, and that’s when I realized me saying anything to leadership just then would go nowhere. They were trying to convince us that things were great to the point where they were the only ones believing their own hype. Thousands of dollars were wasted on projects with very little ROI, which made me wonder how they didn’t have the $4K I asked for earlier in the year. I also took over for a vendor we fired, bringing in better results with less money, receiving only a thumbs up for my success. That was the real beginning of the end. I’m the third person in 2 months to leave. And I won’t be the last.

Fast forward now to when I gave my two weeks: my boss took it horribly. The next few days were hell. But everyone else was so kind and understanding. Unfortunately, my absence will impact a lot of people. A sign of a poorly organized company is that one person leaving is causing such a ripple effect. It shouldn’t be that way. Your advice was so helpful when I shared some of my concerns to the CEO during my exit interview. I didn’t think I could say anything until I was out – my leaving proved the point that something must be wrong. So I hope this will bring some much needed change.

2. I work across from a throat-clearer (#2 at the link)

Thank you so much for publishing my letter, and to the commentariat for your thoughtful advice. Alas, things have taken an unfortunate turn since I wrote this letter. A white noise machine has helped somewhat with the noise, but it continues to be distracting. It’s also now the least of my work problems. I actually started to write another letter to you, but decided not to send it once I realized it was about eight pages long! I’ll give the abbreviated version here.

In your initial response, you were concerned about the idea of me always working behind closed doors. Turns out that’s very much the culture for everyone. It’s hard to get feedback or even get to know colleagues. The agency is also extremely rigid about hours and has been unwilling to accommodate even minor flexibility in my schedule (I have a disability that requires a lot of doctors’ appointments.) The workload is slightly more than double what was discussed in the interview and the promised hybrid schedule is not allowed. The workload stress is definitely affecting my health, and it’s been hard to get medical care or stick with my treatment regimen given the “butts in seats in the office for every single second of standard business hours” culture.

I truly love the patients I work with, and I would hate to be another person who burns out and leaves them in a matter of months. I’ve been trying to advocate for myself (not a strong suit of mine!) and seeing some small improvements, so I’m hopeful I may be able to work it out for at least a little while longer. In the meantime, my side business has been thriving, and I’m contemplating the leap to trying to do that full-time. I’d lose my benefits, but I’d bring in more money, be able to flex my schedule as much as I want, and get to work from home in the peace and quiet of my own apartment, with no one clearing their throat but me.

If anyone in the comments has suggestions about making the choice between traditional and self-employment, I would love to hear it! I’m especially interested in how other professionals with disabilities navigate this decision.

3. Can I train people not to bother me when I have headphones on?

I was pretty frustrated when I wrote to you about being interrupted all day at work. However, I did think a lot about how I could change my workflow. I am lucky because I have the ability to do more tasks that require concentration whenever I want, so that’s what I have started doing. I try to work on cataloging and statistics at times when I know fewer people are there, or, if worse comes to worst, I can stay late when no one is in the office.

Your advice was great, but I just reframed my thinking. Most of the comments were helpful and interesting, a couple were a bit mean and presumptuous. I have since learned I am neurodivergent, so I am trying to use all my tools available to make things work.

4. Can I ask for a raise if I wouldn’t leave over salary?

I asked for a raise and a promotion and was denied. I was given a company line about how we can’t give raises right now but to ask again in 6 months.

So, I went ahead and hired a resume writer and she re-did my resume and LinkedIn. I have applied for several roles but unfortunately haven’t had any interviews.

A few days ago I applied for a senior manager position in another department (this would be a promotion for me). If it ends up getting offered to me I’m not sure how to navigate the salary since even a 20% bump would still make me underpaid in the position I’m currently in. So, I’ll just have to see what happens.

5. How do I pass on institutional knowledge before I retire? (#5 at the link)

I’m the person who asked about downloading my brain to the people who work for me with my (then a year away) retirement.

A couple of months ago, I gave my managers notice that my planned retirement date was end of March 2023 (pushed out so spouse could get some expensive dental work done next insurance year). Since no one in management knows how to do my job, the Superintendent went to Council and got an approval to hire my replacement while I’m still here so they could shadow me and see how our program runs – the city never fills a position until it’s empty, but he pushed it through. After a difficult search, we have a person scheduled to start beginning of December who has over 20 years’ experience in this field. I’m working with Administration and IT now so their office is ready when they get here.

Several commenters suggested consulting after retirement. While I may do some work for a non-profit based near me that specializes in this and adjacent fields, I’m planning to cut the cord almost completely. Current plan is to join a sailing club, get enough time on the water to get my Coast Guard 50-Ton Master’s License back, then start teaching sailing again. I expect I won’t be reading your excellent advice as much.

Retirement is starting to feel real, and who knew there was so much stuff that had to be done in advance? Plus it’s time to sort through my office and decide what gets passed on, what gets shredded and what goes home with me; anyone want a coffee mug? I’ve already passed my unused Chocolate Teapots, Ltd. Travel mug on to another regular commenter here.

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

This one is a double update. The same person wrote in to ask about a coworker who kept bringing her “problems” that weren’t problems (Emily) and, in a different letter, about her boss pushing her to ask a rejected problematic job candidate to volunteer (John). Here’s the update on both.

As many of the commenters picked up, management is kind of delusional here. In the past two years, every single position in my 8-person department has turned over at least once. I am very pleased that I just resigned yesterday after accepting a job elsewhere with a higher salary and significantly better benefits!

First, though, the updates. Emily is still here. Before the job was posted, Emily mentioned a few times that she was having a lot of trouble finding another job, and that her old workplace (shockingly) didn’t seem to want her back. My manager, I’ll call her Elaine, had not posted the role yet. Then, Emily came in one morning and gleefully announced that Elaine had asked her to stay. I was absolutely livid, and so, so confused. I immediately requested a meeting with Elaine, who avoided every question I asked about the situation. My other coworkers guessed that Elaine just didn’t want to go through the hiring process for a niche role, and that she really didn’t see Emily as a major issue because she just avoids managing her at all.

Emily continued to cause numerous issues, and her tone became increasingly confrontational. A few commenters asked about what kind of problems she caused. Shortly after my letter was published, another writer’s experience sounded almost identical to mine. Emily is very similar to the employee that letter is about.

Here’s a recent example of an interaction I had with her (think of this happening constantly, truly constantly, every day): I was hosting a low-key art program in an art studio (that I manage), and a few teens asked if they could paint. Everyone else had finished (so there was no one in the studio) and I had plenty of extra painting supplies. I let them paint for about 10 minutes. Emily lost her mind. While the teens were still in the room, she told me very loudly and rudely that I was setting poor expectations, that those teens were probably going to come back and want even more paint every single week, that we can’t be allowing things like this because then everyone is going to want to come in and paint all the time, and finally, that there were “probably other things [I] should be doing.” I calmly asked her to have this conversation at another time. She said that she needed to explain this to me in the moment, and continued saying that I was “setting poor expectations” by letting the teens use our (cheap, abundant) paint and paper. I gently guided her aside and said “Emily, this is an appropriate use of the art studio. They are being very respectful and clean, and we have more than enough supplies. We do not have to accommodate every request, and we can handle any future requests on a case-by-case basis. But I do think that allowing a few teens to paint is reasonable for an art studio. We want to create a positive impression of the space for every guest. Also, this is my activity, and I am not asking you to assist.” Emily continued arguing with me, to the point that I said “Emily, I am not going to continue this conversation. Please talk to Elaine if you want to discuss this more.” I then emailed Elaine, who assured me she would meet with Emily the next day to discuss her behavior. The very next week, I had a nearly identical situation, and Emily reacted even worse. I essentially gave up on Elaine’s management.

Other staff members became increasingly frustrated with Emily, as she continued to bring problems to them when I was unavailable. One close coworker knew I was job hunting, and she said that she would love to step into my position, but that she would not take the promotion solely because of Emily.

At the same time, under pressure from management, I reached the point where I was directly asked to have John volunteer as a presenter. I met with him to discuss the opportunity, and the topic he wanted to present was on a piece of technology I have used for over ten years. He brought me an article titled “[Piece of Technology] for Beginners.” I said “Oh, John, thank you, but I have been using this daily since 2010!” John said “Oh yes, I know, but you can always use more information, right?” So he has not changed a bit.

After that meeting, Elaine mentioned that she thought Emily would be a good person to host John’s presentation. I knew that they would mix like a match with gasoline, but I also knew that Elaine would push for it no matter what I said, so I agreed. I wasn’t working the night of his presentation, but I felt like I was there: Emily texted me 36 times about how awful and problematic John was. I hate to admit it, but I kind of enjoyed it. I steered it all to Elaine.

I am very happy to be leaving this toxic workplace. In addition to the John and Emily situations, there was a situation in which Elaine raised her voice to a coworker on the public floor, and that situation potentially involves racism. Upper management also put together an EDI committee, and of course, forced employees of color to be on it.

Thank you and your readers for advice on both of my weird situations!

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are four updates from past letter-writers.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

1. My boss is angry that I couldn’t work while I was sick with Covid

A week after getting covid, I went back to work in person. I also went to the doctor and they told me I was feeling terrible because I hadn’t taken any time off. They write me a note and I told work that I would be working half days for the next two weeks. My boss didn’t like that. (I considered working half days a favor to him… I could have just said I needed 2 weeks off.) He said something insulting to me about it and I snapped. We argued and he essentially told me I was disloyal and that he would never screw me over the way I had screwed him over. He told me I was replaceable and that HR didn’t need me, so I told him I quit and to consider this my two weeks notice.

He didn’t believe that I was actually quitting until I sent a formal resignation to management the next day. After that, they called me and asked if there was anything that could be done to fix the situation. I told them I wanted an apology and to review my workload. I got the apology, but nothing changed with my workload.

I decided to wait until performance reviews because I thought (incorrectly) that since they had tried to promote me two levels last year and had only been approved for one level, they would try again this year. They didn’t. So I decided it was really time to move on and started looking casually at job postings.

Out of the blue, I was contacted by a headhunter a few weeks ago and I went ahead with the interview… as of this morning, I have accepted an offer with a company that has way more potential for growth and opportunities to move around. It’s also going to dramatically cut my workload. And I got a 25% raise! The manager is already talking about making me a supervisor after a few months. I’m still having anxiety about giving my notice and leaving my current company in a bind (guilt is a hell of a drug) but I’m working on it. My planned start date at the new job is the beginning of December.

I can’t thank you and your readers enough for the validation and advice. I felt so alone at that time and it was so helpful to have people tell me I wasn’t the crazy one.

Update to the update:

I gave my two weeks’ notice. They tried to keep me and get me a raise and promotion… my boss told them I’d consider $10k less per year than my new position. I felt pressured and told them I’d consider it. They asked me to send them my offer letter to grease the wheels.. I did, and they realized they couldn’t match it. They asked if I’d consider anything less but after steeling myself over the weekend, I told them no. Surprisingly, all the managers were very gracious and they asked me to stay on a few extra days to help with the transition. Additionally, they told me to call them if I ever wanted to come back, which was a surprise.

I think my direct boss was a bit upset that I didn’t take their counter – I have had no contact with him since I declined and he had cleaned out my desk when I went to turn in my computer today. That’s disappointing, but all in all, things went way better than I anticipated. Additionally, I am being paid out for 2 weeks of unused vacation, which was a concern. I start my new job tomorrow (with an office holiday party, no less) and am looking forward to it.

I am going to work on establishing healthier boundaries at this new place. I mentioned before that I am getting a 25% raise but it is actually 30%, plus quarterly bonuses and better benefits… and a boss that believes in work life balance and in cross training employees so people can take time off when needed. Thank you again to you and my fellow readers for all of the advice and support – I don’t think I would be here right now without you!

2. My coworker reeks of weed

I wrote in asking about how to handle a cube neighbor (let’s call her Sansa) who reeked of weed when I was pregnant and had a super-nose. I got a lot of great advice from you and the commenters, but I didn’t get a chance to implement it. I mentioned this in the comments, but between when I wrote in and when my letter was published, something happened. Sansa took a very long lunch and when she came back, 1) the smell was gone, and 2) she was not her normal cheery self. I’m not sure if someone said something to her, but the weed smell was never an issue again. I also didn’t mention this in my initial letter, but the first day I was hit with the smell was 4/20, so I also wonder if she was just working through her stash from the holiday.

I did mention the smell to another (trusted) cube neighbor (Arya) to see if it traveled. Arya said she didn’t notice it while at her desk, but it was very obvious when you walked by.

Fast forward a few months. Our company was going through a pretty turbulent time and Arya and I were joking around and saying that maybe Sansa had the right idea. Our manager (who is not Sansa’s manager) overheard. I was very nervous when I realized we had been overheard — I didn’t want Sansa to get in trouble — but luckily our manager simply cracked up and said she didn’t blame her.

Also, I got to know Sansa better over the next few months and she’s super sweet. I’m looking forward to seeing her when I get back from my maternity leave. I just hope she’s switched to edibles.

3. Coworker asks me for help “confidentially”

The short version is: she was fired. You were correct that she was asking for help for things she had long ago been expected to learn how to do. It seems she had no system for keeping notes and was incapable of using the (many) resources available to her to do her job.

For me, when I got the next email with the screaming CONFIDENTIAL subject line, I let her know I wasn’t comfortable keeping these requests for help from our manager (but warmly let her know I was still happy to help when needed). She promptly stopped asking for me help after that and then was let go just a few weeks later.

The twist, I suppose, is that I don’t think the basic inability to do her job was the actual reason she was let go. I work for a state institution and it took her yelling at and harassing a customer before she was fired.

4. How can I get out of helping with an office move? (#3 at the link)

First, I need to shout out all the state and municipal government employees in the comments. You guys completely understood the situation. Yes, it is an absolutely unreasonable ask of employees and any company or federal agency would have taken over the entire move and record retention process. But, state and local government absolutely do not have those resources. We had only enough money to pay movers to physically move our stuff from the old building to the new building. I did take your advice – I went in one more time for a very full day and finished a task people had been stressing over (it was not hard). I then stopped coming in until the move-in day. We all worked that morning to arrange the space, but it was done in just a few hours and we celebrated with pizza. I got a special shout out from the coworker who was in charge of coordinating the move for all my hard work, so all the better!

To answer some commenter questions – our state’s record retention policy requires us to keep either the physical paper copy of the record or we can make a microfiche (yes, microfiche) of the record and destroy the paper. We have a great website and we keep nearly everything we publish easily accessible on the website, but that does not count for the record retention law. In the 90’s, a big push was made to microfiche a ton of documents, but my office did not keep up with the microfiching (not enough money and they have been hoping the state would change the law to allow for electronic copies to count). The office space in our old building allowed us to simply store the paper records there (we had a very large space). The move to a smaller space forced us to send many hundreds of boxes of paper documents to long term storage. We still don’t have the money to microfiche and are still hoping the law will change. I am not in charge of any part of that process, so I get to keep my opinions about the decisions to myself!