Ask a Manager

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

Remember the letter-writer who was working from home with her partner’s four-year-old? Here’s the update.

My partner and I had plans to move to a different town together because of a very insanely beneficial housing situation. I would move first to start my new job, on a Monday. The Friday before my start date, the job was yanked out from under me, and that made me reconsider my entire life.

I broke up with my boyfriend because things weren’t working out with him for several reasons. He was a really great boyfriend to me and full-time father to his daughter, and he treated both of us really, really well. We were our own little family and loved each other, but he could not get his life together because his mental health was so incredibly bad. He took care of things as they came up in the day-to-day, but bigger picture things like finding a career path, maybe going back to school (he only has a few semesters of undergrad), things of that nature, were too overwhelming for him. I know this is because he’s basically had adverse experiences for his entire life, and I think he did his best, but it became too exhausting to try to keep up with all of my big picture stuff AND all of his big picture stuff. He was very proactive about all his daughter’s big picture stuff. She never missed a medical appointment, and he would have had her in daycare if free childcare hadn’t had a year-long wait-list in the area we were at.

So I let him and his daughter keep the amazing housing opportunity (a mutual friend of ours had offered that we stay for extremely low rent, in a nice rental house he owns in a nice neighborhood with lots of kids and a playground), and I started leasing a room from my close friends who own their home. I decided to get out of the career path that I had been on, because it just wasn’t working for me. I now do something completely unrelated, and I’m a lot happier in this field, as it aligns more with what my brain can/wants to do and has far more opportunities for career growth, especially considering that I’m at the management level for a start up. My ex and I remain on good terms, but no longer speak regularly.

As for the advice offered, I can’t honestly say it was helpful, because the problem wasn’t just that the four year old kept bursting into the room. It was also that I didn’t want to do the extra work, especially after coming home from working all day. My particular job involved driving around for hours each day, and I don’t like driving, so when I would get home the last thing I wanted to do was open my laptop and do…. more work (the WFH aspect of that job came in the form of report-writing, which is also hell for an ADHD-er). This was compounded by the fact that my boss was Not Nice about me missing deadlines for said reports, and my office space in that apartment being cramped and dimly lit. So add in a kiddo bursting in constantly, and I didn’t even want to fight the distraction. Nor did I want to go to the library to do the work. Nor did I want to do it after she went to bed. And it’s like, I so much did not want to write those reports that they felt pretty impossible in a way I can’t explain. Maybe it was a discipline issue, maybe it was burnout, but I’ll just call it “that job sucked anyway and my home environment made it even worse.” Maybe I should have included all of those details in the original letter, but I wanted to be brief.

One thing that I didn’t appreciate were people in the comment section bagging on my partner and jumping to the conclusion that he was dumping his daughter on me while he just did whatever. That was definitely not the case. My ex was and is an amazing father, especially given the circumstances (he has been through more than most, and the mother is no help at all), and the reason she would do those things is because he was engaging her! It would have been easy to just stick her in front of a TV–she would have been entertained for hours like that–but we agreed that TV should really not be something she watches for hours at a time. So while they ran around playing Bad Guys or Unicorn Veterinarian or whatever else, she would burst into the office area wanting me to join in. And taking her out of the house only works if you have money for somewhere indoors (we didn’t, and you can only go to the library so many times) or if the weather permits, and we had a miserably, at times dangerously hot summer this year.

Long story short, I broke up with my boyfriend, moved to a new city with a new job and new career path, so the problem has been resolved. And, my ex wasn’t a shitty partner or father to me and his daughter as some commenters assumed. I don’t really blame anyone for the circumstances that prompted me to write the letter, they were just bad circumstances because of trauma histories, neurotypes, energy levels, and mental illnesses that didn’t mix, all living under one roof.

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past.

Remember the letter-writer wondered whether to stay at a job she didn’t like if it could lead to a big pay-off in a few years? Here’s the update.

I left my old company and started my new job in early September 2021. I absolutely LOVE the new job and have from day one. My work is interesting, I’m constantly learning new things, my boss and the rest of the team are amazing. The company really appreciates their employees and shows it with regular bonuses, raises and opportunities for career growth. In the year I’ve been here I’ve received two raises and two bonuses with the expectation of probably one more of each before year end based on normal company timelines.

As for my old company, that’s a whole different story. I stayed part time with dramatically reduced hours and about half my old pay until December 2021 when my replacement, Elsa, started. I answered a few one off questions for either her or my old boss, Hans, until mid March 2022. Hans then reached out and told me Elsa wasn’t working out and asked if I would come back part time again. While thinking it over (because I’m greedy lol) Elsa quit. I did end up agreeing to come back part time with the agreement that it would be short term and I’d come back about for about $20k/yr more than what I was making previously.

Then the founder and CEO of the company was fired by the board in April and the CTO resigned in May. That left Hans covering as both CEO and CFO while searching for replacements, meaning finding a new accountant was the last thing on his list. The new CEO, Olaf, started in June/July and Hans found my next replacement, Anna, who started in September. She lasted less than two weeks before she quit. I wasn’t even fully off the payroll yet! So I stayed again to help Hans even though it was even more dysfunctional than ever. At one point, in October I think, he tested out a part time accountant on a contract basis but that only lasted 2-3 weeks before Hans let him go.

It’s now December. Olaf was fired by the board for gross misconduct. Hans finally got sick of working 18 hour days, took my advice and found a new job (not another startup) starting mid January. As far as I’m aware he hasn’t told anyone other than me yet. The company is almost out of money so they’ve laid off 6 people, cut the salaries of everyone else by anywhere from 30-70% and if they don’t raise money before the end of the year they’ll go bankrupt in January. Definitely glad my horse isn’t hitched to that wagon anymore! Just waiting it out to see what happens and when I can hand over the job for good but Hans is well aware that I’m done immediately if I’m not being paid.

Overall I’m very happy that I left. I’m appreciated at my new job and I’m happy to wake up and go to work every day. That’s life changing! I like the company so much I got my 21 year old daughter a job there over the summer and she’s now full time. Thank you to everyone who commented on my original letter. I realized that I wasn’t being smart about how much money I “could” make, that the amount wasn’t even as large as my brain was trying to tell me it was and I was potentially ignoring the very real increase I would get by leaving. Honestly, due to coming back part time for most of the last year, we’ve been able to save a lot of it towards a house so I’m better off now than I would have been otherwise. In some ways I am still waiting for someone to yank the rug out from under me but I’m happier than I’ve ever been both professionally and personally. That’s not something I’m used to and I don’t know that I would have made the same decision without writing in and hearing everyone’s advice. Thank you so much!

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are four updates from past letter-writers.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

1. An acquaintance blabbed when I sent him a confidential email … and now I might become his boss

It ended not with a bang but with a whimper:

– No one ever brought up John’s strange email behavior; it is as if it never happened.
– I decided to disconnect from him in social media.
– I haven’t contacted him to try to find out what he was thinking (“closure comes from within not without”).
– Other members of the board have complained about John to me for unrelated matters; he is wearing out his welcome.
– Leadership at his workplace offered me a different executive role than the one they originally considered me for; for many reasons I didn’t take it.

He seems to irritate everyone, which at least tells me that it’s him, not me, and there’s nothing to take personally.

thank you and the community comments for counseling me to just chill. Saying and doing nothing was exactly the right move.

2. My employee keeps working long hours even after we’ve told her to stop

I ended up having to take this in a two-fold approach. First, I had a very frank (and honestly uncomfortable) conversation about insubordination. I didn’t know that anyone had ever had the conversation with her from that perspective, so it seemed like I needed to do it. It definitely seemed like a shock to her that it could be considered insubordination to “work late.” I had to clarify that the insubordination wasn’t the work hours but that she appeared to be ignoring directives from not just me, but upper leadership in terms of hours. I pointed out safety issues that many of your readers (and you yourself) mentioned because I knew she hadn’t seen it from any perspective other than her own “i’m getting work done” one.

Next, as you said (and many echoed in the comments) the why of this working late in a job that does not require late hours was important to me. We had multiple meetings that focusing on her prioritizing and time management skills. In our weekly check-ins, we now always have time to go over the various projects she’s working on and I help her establish a urgency list if she feels behind.

There is still a struggle in terms of her working hours but she is leaving at 6 nearly everyday now. Hoping that we won’t have to revisit the insubordination conversation EVER again because it was miserable and I hated it.

3. No one has acknowledged my resignation (#4 at the link)

You kindly answered my question about resigning when nobody was responding. You reminded me that telephones exist — I confess to hating them so I had literally forgotten that was an option. However, the only phone number I had was my direct boss and they were sick with covid – once again highlighting just how disorganised the company was. I chose not to phone them given that they were posting online about how bad they were feeling. I sent a second resignation email to everyone I could think of, plus the generic location@businessname.com email & finally got a reply 4 days later.

In terms of my job, I finished up all but one of my contracts easily & and have moved to my full-time job. I was anxious about having to get up early in the morning & the big adjustment to the 8-4 I’d be doing after 3 years of light part time work but while I’m tired at the end of the week, I am thoroughly enjoying it! There was talk of a permanent contract within 2 weeks of my start date and last week one of my colleagues was lightly encouraging me to apply for the job which would be a promotion that is being advertised. I’m not going to because I’m trying to take baby steps, but it’s nice to know my peers think I’m doing well!

4. My awful former boss is terminally ill — should I reach out? (#4 at the link)

I wrote in a few years ago asking whether I should reconnect with my difficult former boss who had been diagnosed with terminal cancer.

As you may have guessed, Sansa has passed away. I heard entirely through the grapevine, so I know nothing about the details. But she’s gone. You and everyone in the comment section told me not to reach out, and I followed that advice. We did not reconnect before she died. Thanks to everyone’s incredibly thoughtful and honest advice, I do not regret this. I appreciate everyone for reframing the situation for me, especially from Sansa’s perspective, and making it clear that I was doing both of us a favor by keeping my distance.

I will say, her death has made me feel a little reflective. I am just now reaching the age she was when she first hired me. I won’t excuse the way she treated me and those around her, but I do feel a little more compassion for her now that I understand her stage of life better. Plus, I think she was fighting some pretty nasty demons in terms of her mental health. (I’m also willing to admit that managing me was probably no picnic!) Granted, I’m far enough removed from the time I spent working for her that nostalgia may have clouded my memories, but I feel like I “get” her a little more now.

My relationship with her aside, Sansa’s death is a truly incalculable loss for the nonprofit we worked for and that community. I doubt I’ll ever meet another person who worked as hard as she did. She leaves behind one hell of a legacy. May she rest in peace.

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

Remember the letter-writer whose new hire was monitoring the whole team’s calendars and commenting on them? Here’s the update.

Your advice to talk with my team member and ask what was behind her calendar-monitoring behavior was really helpful, but it was the commentariat’s insistence that I not let it go made me realize how much the behaviors could be impacting the rest of the team. Thanks to them, I read your advice over and over (and over again!), plucked up the courage, and called a meeting.

I followed the script you outlined, and was dismayed to hear her defend her behavior. Yep. She said, and I quote, “No one on this team is doing their job and as the most senior person in the department, I can’t just stand by and let that happen.” You can imagine how surprised I was to learn that I, the actual person in charge, was not only not the ‘senior person’ but also not doing my job! And, for the record, we are actually an extremely high functioning team both in our organization and in our industry!

I asked her how she defines “most senior person” and learned that her 35 years of experience makes her more senior to me (I only have 24–she counted them up–by looking me up on LinkedIn!) I can’t tell you how difficult it was to hold my tongue and not set her straight about years vs. performance and my personal performance!!!

Luckily, I had thought to print out our organizational chart that shows me just below the CEO and her on the same plane as the colleagues she feels “senior” to due to her years of experience. I pointed out her position on the chart, my position on the chart, and explained that, in this department, we don’t play the “senior” game. We don’t even play the “I’m the boss” game. We respect everyone for their unique skills, diverse perspectives, and their respective roles and responsibilities. But, just in case she needed it to be clear: I AM the boss. And, I cannot have her (or anyone else) policing and second guessing the professionals with whom we work about their priorities and duties. Those priorities are worked out between me and the staff person and no.one.else.

I also explained how her behaviors were making her colleagues feel–and doing that does not contribute to her previously stated goal of building stronger relationships with her teammates. I kid you not, she actually said that she hadn’t thought of that! I explicitly said that she was not to comment on anyone’s calendars again and she agreed to stop it at once.

So, the update is: she has not made another comment on the calendars. But, I can tell that she doesn’t accept that her perspective and behavior is flawed. Other issues have come up and I am taking the commentariat’s advice to heart: I MUST address these sorts of issues. I am documenting all of this to reflect it on her 1-year review (that will contain a Performance Improvement Plan) and I will be asking her if this is the right position for her. I would have more optimism that this would turn out well if she could accept that these behaviors are not okay. As it is, I don’t see her making it.

I do want to thank the commenters for holding me to account about not addressing this issue sooner. I was not living up to my responsibility as a leader and I am taking steps to rectify that. Turns out, this experience did make someone better at their job, but it was me rather than who I perceived as being the primary problem. Thanks, y’all!

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

Remember the letter-writer whose former employer wanted “their side of the story” about a process they didn’t document when they left (#2 at the link)? Here’s the update.

I so appreciated your advice on my previous post.

After I forwarded my grandboss some relevant emails, they emailed the employee with a copy of the relevant paragraph from my handover notes, with a comment that “this should explain everything.” In that paragraph, I’d left out one step of a process, which was the step that had led to the employee escalating the situation. However, the step was such an obvious one that I guess it hadn’t even occurred to me that it would need to be spelled out! While I can’t get into specifics, it’s along the lines of me writing up a process for buying something – let’s say, books – via the employee’s professional account with a publishing company, and not including the step, ‘reimburse employee for the amount charged to their account.’ And then when the employee said, ‘hey, you haven’t reimbursed me for the amount charged to my account,’ my grandboss said, ‘well, so-and-so didn’t include that step in their handover notes.’ Well, no, I didn’t, because I thought paying for what you’ve purchased was a given – but in addition, I’d noted where the money was coming from in the budget spreadsheet, but I guess putting the pieces together was a step too far. Also hilariously, I’m looking back over the emails with my grandboss to remind myself of what they said, and they noted that I hadn’t left any instructions for counting how many books we charged to the account. Well, no – because that’s just… counting?

Separately, I called to talk to the employee, and had a really productive conversation – we both agreed that the step that hadn’t been documented was such an obvious thing, and that it was wild (but not surprising) that my former grandboss was trying to shift this onto me. I was pleased to have had the conversation directly with the employee in the end, because I felt relieved that I had cleared up the situation – both for me (knowing that there weren’t going to be any repercussions from this ethics complaint) and for her (so that she could get reimbursed). So although I know that I didn’t have to have that conversation, ultimately it was beneficial.

My reaction also really helped me think about the number that the job had done on my mental wellbeing – although the role I’m in now isn’t a forever role, I can definitely appreciate the difference in my health. A lot of people’s comments on the blog post really bolstered my self-confidence – that I’d done more than enough already, and that this wasn’t on me. Turns out, that kind of validation was something that I hadn’t got a lot of in my previous role, except from other coworkers who were similarly put upon. What’s really telling is that people are flooding out of that corner of the organization, and very little is being done to change the culture or stem the flood. (Seriously. So many people.) So, I’d like to send a huge thank you to all of the terrific commenters you have on the blog. Their responses were thoughtful and a really valuable pep talk.

Hilariously, I’m still being asked to do parts of my old job – for a fee, at least! – ten months after leaving. (I said no.) Even today, I had a phone call from someone in another area of the organization, trying to put pieces together to find out what on earth is happening with something I used to run. (I didn’t mind taking that call, because it was good to catch up with them.) At least now I can just laugh at it all. So thank you, Alison and commenters, for providing a completely objective perspective on what I now see (well, I knew at the time, but didn’t have validation) was a totally toxic work environment.

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

Remember the letter-writer whose employees got into a religious argument, resulting in chaos? Here’s the update.

I wanted to give you all an update on my workplace situation last year where two of my employees who are Muslim made religious harassment comments toward another report of mine who is a Wiccan. The situation became quite the roller coaster. First off, some backstory. Our area has a sizeable Muslim population and my company in particular has a history of discrimination and harassment lawsuits in regard to Muslims after 9/11 in 2001. This explains my own manager pushing me to fire Harry the Wiccan and disregarding the actions of Crabbe and Goyle the Muslim employees (I’m changing from Fred and George to Malfoy’s little minions, I don’t know why I didn’t think to do that in the first letter).

I also want to make apparent that Harry is by far my favorite employee as he has always been reliable, efficient, friendly with other staff, and a great asset to our team. Hence why I felt very protective of him through this whole ordeal. Everyone else including the 2 also make meaningful contributions as well that I do appreciate.

I did take your advice in my discussions with these three about how religious harassment comments will not be tolerated. I do want to note that my original letter, I unknowingly misconstrued Harry’s initial response. The witnesses to this argument had since verified that Harry did not so much make similar egregious remarks about Islam as much as he explained that Islam has been grossly misunderstood so they should not be insulting or belittling his own spiritual beliefs. The witnesses don’t interpret his response at all as egregious as what C and G said. So, to him I did soften the message to be very mindful of how he responds to any kind of harassment and to bring any issues to me in the future. To Crabbe and Goyle, I warned them that their actions were completely inexcusable and will not be tolerated at all going forward, to stop the whispered comments they are making about other staff especially me and Harry and warned that they will be terminated if they cross the line again. Both verbalized understanding to me at the time.

A day later, my boss Snape called me in to repeat that Harry needs to be fired immediately for his harassment. I again explained that Crabbe and Goyle were the ones harassing, not Harry, and should be disciplined but I was not willing to fire them just yet. I was willing to give them a final warning and go from there. He then went on how Harry doesn’t have a ‘real’ religion and that Crabbe and Goyle just came to him about they have already begun a lawsuit against Harry and the company. He then explained that with our company’s history of Islamic discrimination lawsuits that he is willing to side with the Two, because AGAIN, its 2 vs 1! I immediately ended this conversation and went straight for HR.

Our HR manager Minerva had heard of the situation but believed that I had already handled it and supported my decisions in how I addressed each employee. She was confused and furious when I told her what Snape had pushed me to do and assured me, she will handle this. The next day I was called in with Minerva and Albus the big boss to explain to them all that had happened. Afterwards they both assured me that Snape was way out of line, and they would address both him and the 2 about any lawsuit. In the meantime, C&G became increasingly distant with the rest of the team and would barely speak with Harry regarding work matters as he had already been doing after their first offense against him. I kept an eye on this to ensure that they did not engage in anything overtly hostile with nothing noted.

Later on in the week, Snape approached me and apologized for his earlier suggestion and incredibly misguided logic of firing Harry and sparing the other 2. Maybe not the best response on my part but I stated I was reluctant to accept his apology yet as he displayed some rather troubling views about how he regards different belief systems especially as he previously stated that Harry did not have a real legitimate faith and was willing to see him terminated for an incident he didn’t even start. He said nothing of this but said he was wrong. Next week, he and the 2 were fired. From what people were saying, Snape continued to spout off to Albus and Minerva that Wicca and other ‘weirdo’ faiths were not real, and that Harry was just some ‘wizard wannabe’. Also apparently, the lawsuit in question from Crabbe and Goyle was fabricated on their part. They only made an empty threat in order scare the company into firing Harry because they realized what they started could get them fired and thought with our history of discrimination lawsuits against Muslims, they would be able to get away with it.

This whole situation has made my head spin as I did not anticipate such a trying follow up to what should have been just my initial conversations with each of the original 3. Though I am glad things did somewhat work out for my team and for Harry who continues to excel in his role. After this whole ordeal, I touched base with him to reassure him that I do not find him at fault for how this escalated and apologized that it had and with such vitriol directed at him. He was grateful for me for being in his corner through this whole situation and glad to remain in his role which he loves despite this unpleasant ordeal. Albus and Minerva have also spoken with him with their own reassurances and authorized a very generous raise on his behalf. I have started to advocate for him to be considered for higher positions within the company with something already on the horizon for him soon. The rest of my team have also expressed they backing of Harry and glad Crabbe and Goyle did not take this any further and cause damage to our team.

Thank you, Alison, for your advice. As lengthy as this is, I still only touched upon the main points so if anyone has any other questions or follow-ups, I will be glad to answer them in the comment section.

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are four updates from past letter-writers.

1. I have a disrespectful trainee (#3 at the link)

I ended up getting cross-trained in another department and was heavily considered for a promotion, I ended up getting passed over because I’m not old enough and not available to work full-time during school. While I was getting trained and considered for the promo, management stopped having me train the 16-year-old so I could focus on my own training but never assigned her another trainer. She ended up being understandably hurt and jealous, and while I was shadowing for the promotion I got a bit full of myself and was not as nice to her as I should have been. Her issues kept getting worse (she actually started coming into work hungover, the bad jokes and performance issues increased) and finally me and another coworker talked to her manager. The manager had a performance conversation with her and it definitely made a difference. The kid found out that I had something to do with her getting talked to and was obviously upset.

I ended up not getting promoted (the official reason was my age/availability but my rudeness towards the 16-year-old certainly didn’t help me) but I continue to train other new hires and still occasionally shadow my boss as well as the store manager to gain more experience. I recently applied for an internship with my company at the corporate level, I was encouraged to do so by both my boss and the store manager. Meanwhile the 16-year-old is hopefully going to get more cross-training over the summer. She and I certainly aren’t friends but the drama died down, we get along fine and work well together when we need to. The situation definitely didn’t turn out the way I’d hoped but all in all it was a decent outcome.

I learned a lot from the situation and I think it’s positively affected not only the way I train new people but also my attitude at work. I’ve come to realize that confronting problems early at work is healthy and that avoiding necessary conversations doesn’t help anyone.

2. I’m not productive every single minute of every day

So, basically: the whole thing was part of a pattern of mismanagement and problems with the company. I think a big part of the issue was that my manager did not actually understand what I did. Our roles didn’t actually overlap at all, and I was assigned to her simply because they wanted to give her someone to manage. (Always a great management strategy!) She wasn’t actually a very good manager in general, and an even worse one when she didn’t actually understand my job. A large part of my actual work ended up being supervised by one of our external consultants. (Yes, the use of past tense here is telling.) And because she didn’t actually understand what my job was or what my role entailed, the only way she had to try to understand whether I was doing my job was to check to see if I was busy every second of every day.

The whole thing came to head a few weeks after I sent my letter, where they kept asking me to do more work and I was trying to explain that there was simply not enough time in a week to accomplish what they wanted me to do. Even if I was productive every single minute of every day, what they wanted wasn’t possible. So they asked me to work overtime – unpaid, of course – which in my role was not legal. I pushed back, and a week or so later I was fired.

I think it was a lot of things combined that led to my being terminated. For one, yes, that they didn’t understand my role. But there were also culture issues. I’m non-binary and queer, and so I was constantly having to correct people on my pronouns. On one hand I was expected to educate people on every issue related to diversity, equity and inclusion, because I was the only person on our team who was “diverse,” but on the other they never liked what I had to say. In one meeting, I agreed with a co-worker who pointed out that a speaker we had at an event was perceived as racist by some of our staff and visitors, and our VP thought that was reverse racism.

I’ve been unemployed since June, and it’s been rough. I’ve had a couple interviews, but to be blunt: I’m depressed and demoralized, I’m dealing with a lot of stuff in my personal life, and I’m kind of a wreck in general. In a way being unemployed has been a blessing: between the severance and unemployment benefits I got for being fired without actual cause (because they couldn’t legally fire me for refusing to work unpaid overtime and for telling our management that racism might be bad), I’ve been able to take some badly needed time to just exist without feeling like I have to monetize every minute of my time. But it’s also just been awful, because, well, it is.

Unfortunately, that money is going to run out in the next few months, so I really need to find something soon. Hopefully I’ll eventually land new in the next little while (and not my mother’s couch!) and when that happens, I’ll be sure to let you know.

Update to the update:

When I wrote my last email, I was deeply depressed and struggling to find the motivation to even apply for jobs. The lack of routine from not working was disastrous for my mental health, and I was barely functional. I ended up volunteering to drive my mother to and from work every day, since she lives and works nearby, and it changed everything for me. The simple routine of getting up and getting in the car and driving her the 10 minutes to the office helped get me back on track.

I’m feeling enormously better, and it’s allowed me to really buckle down on the job search. I’ve put out several applications, and I’ve gotten interviews with nearly every one! I credit your cover letter advice. I was particularly proud of one one of them, which I’ve attached in case you’re interested.

I had a job interview today for a position I’m very excited about. It seems like a really good match for my skills, and a really good, inclusive environment. The interview seemed to go very well, and I followed up with a not-a-thank-you-note email expanding on some of my answers. The hiring manager responded right away saying how much she appreciated my note and that it really showed how the position aligns with my career path (with multiple exclamation points), so I’m as optimistic as I can be. And if that one doesn’t work out, I have two more interviews on Monday!

3. Should I correct my chair about the low amount I’m paid?

We do indeed have a new chair of our department now. When, a few months ago, my partner got sick with Covid and I emailed my chair to give him a heads up (as far as my availability and possibility of me getting sick, etc.) he wrote back so nice and concerned and said “let me know if there’s anything I can do to help while you deal with this.” It rather blew my mind, having my chair show warm, human concern for me.

I just feel … less stressed, in general, around my office. (I’m no longer afraid to take sick leave! I’m not feeling resentful of being asked to do extra work (because I’m NOT being asked to do more work).)

So not a huge update, but it really does have an effect to have someone in charge who isn’t a jerk.

4. Management says a coworker is working from home when she actually quit (#2 at the link)

Three months after you posted my question the company was purchased by another company and all 160 employees were terminated. The new owners still operate the business, but maintain no actual office in my state. Most current workers are basically working from home offices out in Nevada.

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are four updates from past letter-writers.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

1. My resignation imploded (#3 at the link)

I was the resigning employee whose boss told me “it wasn’t very Christian of you” to quit when they were short handed and busy.

First I wanted to respond to some of the commenters who may not have read my replies. For starters it was construction and most of the employees are Christians including myself but my boss is very conservative and I’m more progressive than him or anyone else in the company.

Now the update! So I was hired by a competitor to learn service work after doing installs for 4 years. I have been struggling with Crohn’s disease that got really bad after having Covid in August. Well, a week before I was due to start, the owner called me to tell me that their install project manager was leaving and they wanted to offer me the job!

I eagerly said yes! And I just have to say it has been wonderful! I’m having some culture shock of being in an office after 15 years of blue collar work. It’s been exactly what I needed! My Crohn’s disease has been more manageable partially due to changing working environments. The culture here is way better and very pro-worker. No guilt tripping workers who call out sick. It’s been a little awkward for me to move into management, but at the same time it’s partially come naturally. I credit reading your blog for years but I also know what my installers are facing daily and they know I have done the work and I have their backs.

I have another week and a half left with the leaving project manager but it has really been a wonderful first three weeks. My advice to everyone out there: Whatever you’re doing even if it’s working in a warehouse or digging ditches, have a good attitude and be friendly. Making connections really does pay off. Four years ago I was delivering to this company and now I’m their project manager.

I keep pinching myself to make sure I’m not dreaming!

2. Can I mute my coworker’s texts? (#2 at the link)

I asked if it made sense for me to mute texts from one of my coworkers. She had been sending daily barrages of extremely long texts asking how to do simple tasks to my personal cell phone. She and I had been at that workplace for approximately the same amount of time, were hired with the same job title, and neither of our jobs included training or supervising anyone. I did end up muting her texts, after I warned her as you suggested, and it did not affect my standing at that job at all. I suspect it would have been difficult for her to explain to our boss that she was not using the printed procedures materials and did not know how to do most of her tasks.

After 6 relatively peaceful months, I decided to change fields. I completed some continuing education and certifications and started working with a temp agency. All of my previous work experience and education were in my old, cramped field, and I wanted to get a hands-on feel of what was available to me in my city. I continued reading Ask a Manager, kept my resumé up-to-date, and actively worked to reorient my expectations around healthy workplace culture.

As of now, I have been with my current company for 2.5 years, and I have received 2 title bumps and 3 significant raises in that time. Ironically, my current job is entirely centered around training and I love it! I was originally so happy to help my old coworker when I thought she needed it, but by the time I wrote in, I felt that she was more interested in pushing any and all tasks onto my plate, rather than learning to do them herself.

I truly appreciate the work that you do, Alison. Your work has helped me through countless tough conversations at work so I don’t have to resort to muting, and has given me the confidence to remove myself from unhealthy work dynamics when necessary.

3. New manager loves ice-breakers (#2 at the link)

So I spoke to my manager about being on the spectrum and how hard it is for me doing icebreakers and being called on like that is extremely stressful. She promised to stop and just didn’t. The very next day she called on me again for a “fun fact about you” so I decided to really make myself heard. My fun fact ended up being that I’m autistic and video chats and ice breakers are extremely stressful for me. The meeting ended very quickly and she then insisted on video chatting with me to apologize, still not recognizing my stated desires to communicate via email. She has slowed with the ice breakers and rarely calls on people now but still seems to think that she can change me. Ableism just seems to be her bread and butter, if she just ignores disability it won’t exist.

4. Sleepwear for work trips when you’re sharing a hotel room (#4 at the link)

The sleepwear ultimately did not turn out to be an issue at all. I discovered on arriving that the plan was to have me share a two-twin-bed hotel room with the two other guys attending. I was not happy with this (I had literally never met one of them before), and managed to talk my parents into helping me pay for a room of my own. I did not end up sharing a room with anyone, so clothing wasn’t an issue. I will do my level best to persuade our faculty advisor to at least give everyone their own bed for next year’s trip, and if that’s not an option, I will make the situation clear to everyone before they commit. (His take is that I should have known we were going to fit as many people in as the fire code allowed. I can understand the budget issues, but we can at least warn people.)