Ask a Manager

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. My boss keeps marijuana plants in the office

I live in Texas where cannabis, recreational or medical, is enough to get you sent to jail. It also doesn’t help that we’re in a conservative rural town with law enforcement eager to take you down for such a thing. My boss, a mid- to late- sixties woman who’s been smoking for years, has decided to move her all her gardening, weed included, into the office that I work alone in all day. I’m in my early twenties, and I’m the only one in my family of four who has a full-time job. In short, this job is paying my family’s bills.

My dad, who lives with us, is also on parole for a felony crime, and I’m worried about the possibility of getting in trouble with the law and how it will affect his case. I tried jokingly bringing up how bad it would be if I was in the room while something happened, but she brushed it off. We have a good relationship aside from this. I have no problem with her smoking and I need this job and like it, but I’m worried. What can I do? Is there anything I can do?

She missed your hint when you brought it up in a joking way — and in fact, you aren’t joking — so you need to address it in a way that makes it clear you’re serious. You’ll be better served by being straightforward about it: “I have no problem with weed personally but given the laws in Texas, I’m very uncomfortable having the plants here — I’m too worried about the legal consequences for us both. Could you take them back out of the office?”

Read an update to this letter. 

2. Should I warn my coworkers about my chin tuck?

I am a nonprofit administrative worker. For two years, I suffered from a debilitating condition that kept me unable to work. 18 months ago, I had a successful surgery to treat it (yay!) and after a long recovery, I re-entered the workforce. Sort of. I am still in my first year of re-entry, and so far it has been a patchwork of contract gigs.

I’m so grateful to the surgery that gave me my health back. Like a trickster, in return it gave me a double chin. I’ve given it plenty of consideration and have my heart set on a chin tuck and augmentation, which I think will help me feel more like myself. I’m hoping to get it done this winter because I’ll have the benefit of cold weather to camouflage the recovery with coats and scarves when out in public. It can’t be done during the spring due to some major commitments.

The recovery is short and I would be back at work in a week or less, but significant bruising and swelling around my neck could last 3-6 weeks, and I’m under no illusions that I could keep it all hidden under makeup or scarves at the office.

What’s my hesitation? My current contract placement is with a domestic and sexual abuse service organization. I don’t like disclosing medical information at work, but more than that I don’t like the idea of showing up with bruises on my throat without giving warning. A significant portion of staff are survivors of intimate partner violence or other abuse. I want to live my life, but I am very new here and I don’t want to alarm or possibly re-traumatize someone.

Should I inform my coworkers beforehand in an office-wide email? Or wait until the contract ends? Or do it during summer vacation if this contract turns into a permanent position (which is very possible)? (Note: I don’t work in client services. I work offsite in a small admin office where I only face coworkers.)

Don’t change your surgery date because of this! Have the surgery when you want. But yes, given your concerns, it makes sense to alert your coworkers ahead of time. You can keep it pretty vague, but an email to your team saying something like “I’m having surgery that will cause some heavy bruising on my neck for a few weeks, it’s nothing to be alarmed about” would likely be a kindness and prevent people from worrying about you. If it feels weird to do that as a new person or a contract worker, you could use that same language with your boss and ask if she’d recommend sharing it more broadly.

Read an update to this letter. 

3. My peer wants everyone to chip in for a holiday gift to our boss, even junior employees

I am a senior engineer on a small team within a larger organization. When I started five years ago, the reporting structure of my team was flat – everyone reported directly to my manager, Rosalind. Last year that changed, and now all of the junior engineers report to me, while my two coworkers (Greg and Alex) and I still report to Rosalind.

Every year Greg organizes a holiday gift for Rosalind and takes donations from the team. I know your thoughts on gifting upward, but when I started I didn’t want to rock the boat, and also Rosalind is a fantastic manager so I didn’t really mind contributing. But now Greg is still asking the entire team to contribute and it’s more problematic to me since he’s asking the junior engineers to contribute to a present to their bosses’ boss. Not to mention that any contribution from them is a larger portion of their salary than for the rest of the team.

Last year, I didn’t react quickly enough to Greg’s request and everyone just contributed to the present as usual. But I’d like to more proactively do something this year, hopefully before Greg sends out his request. How do I approach Greg about this? Should I also talk to Rosalind? I don’t want her to think that a change in her gift means anything about my appreciation for her as a manager. I’d also like to make clear to my reports that I am not looking for a present from them if they ask about it.

Yep, talk to Greg and Alex ASAP! Say something like, “I don’t want to ask the junior engineers to contribute to a gift for Rosalind this year. I’ve been reading that people should never gift upwards in an office because of the power dynamics, and I don’t feel right asking people who make less than her to put money toward a gift for her. She’s a great boss so let’s do a card from us, but I feel strongly that we should skip the gift.” Hell, if you want, you could say this in an email so that you can forward this article with it.

You shouldn’t need to address it with Rosalind herself, but if it’ll give you peace of mind you could. Once it’s worked out with Greg and Alex, you could say, “We don’t want the  junior engineers to feel any pressure to chip in for a gift because of the power dynamics, so we’re just doing a card this year. Please don’t read anything into that; it has nothing to do with my/our appreciation of you as a manager!”

4. Taking my team out for lunch when one person is remote

I manage a small team in academia. Most of us are on-site, but I have one employee who works full-time remote in another state. Normally, I like to take everyone out for brunch or lunch a couple of times a year, or bring in a meal, especially around the holidays, as a small “thank you” and an opportunity to connect socially. Obviously having one remote person makes this complicated. Any suggestions on what I can do to make sure they feel included?

Can you occasionally send them a food delivery gift card so they can have a meal delivered at the same time? I don’t think you need to do it every time — part of working remotely is that you’re going to miss some in-office food perks and generally people understand and are fine with that trade-off — but doing it for the bigger events (like the year-end one) would be a nice gesture that would make them feel appreciated. It also doesn’t have to be meal delivery; it could be a gift of something else you know they like, with a note saying “since you couldn’t be here for the holiday lunch” — just something to let them know they’re not being overlooked.

5. Should federal holidays be counted in your PTO?

I’ve noticed that some job ads offer “generous” PTO of four or six weeks … and 10 of those days (aka, two of those weeks) are federal holidays. Is it legal or right to combine federal holidays with PTO? It feels very misleading to me.

Yeah, that’s not how PTO is usually counted in the U.S. (although it does seem to be in some other countries). Typically “four weeks of PTO” means “you get 20 days off to spend as you please, plus whatever 9-11 federal holidays we’re closed.”

It’s legal for them to describe it the way they did, but it’s definitely misleading — and it’s really crappy if they’re not spelling it out at some point before people are hired, because it would be a horrible surprise to discover that your “four weeks” of PTO are actually two weeks, based on the framework people usually use for this.

It’s four answers to four questions. Here we go…

1. Our performance rating can’t be “exceeding expectations” for two years in a row

I joined my current company a little over two years ago, where I work on a team of five people within a larger department of about 100. At the end of the year, everyone is given a performance rating of exceeding expectations (top 10% of the department), missing expectations (bottom 5% of the department), or meeting expectations (everyone else). People in the “exceeding expectations” category receive a larger bonus than the rest of the department. There is no differentiation among the 85% of people who are meeting expectations, and the financial implications of missing expectations are minimal.

Last year, at the end of my first full year with the company, I was rated as “exceeding expectations,” and I was thrilled. Throughout this year, my manager has been telling me that I’m the highest performer on our team, I’m one of the highest performers in the department, and my performance has been even better this year than last year due to some additional leadership roles I’ve taken on. However, he just informed me that my rating this year will be “meeting expectations,” not exceeding, because although he wanted to put me in the “exceeding expectations” category, the other team leaders in the department wouldn’t let him because I had already been in the “exceeding” category last year. He acquiesced, acknowledging that it’s basically impossible for someone to be in the “exceeding expectations” category for two years in a row.

This is frustrating to me. I feel like I’m being penalized this year for my high performance last year. Had I known I had no chance at exceeding expectations, I might have chosen not to work as hard all year! I’ve talked to my manager about non-financial rewards for high performance, like being selected to work on high-impact projects, but I’m not sure where that will go.

Is it standard practice for a high performance rating one year to essentially disqualify an employee from receiving a high performance rating the following year, or is my (large, worldwide) company in the minority here?

Nope, that is bullshit.

“Exceeding expectations” isn’t like a toy to be passed around, where you want to make sure everyone gets a turn with it. It’s supposed to an objective assessment of your performance.

They’re incentivizing you to only work hard every other year, and you might point that out.

2. I don’t want to hold our retreat at a coworker’s house

Is it appropriate for a coworker to volunteer their home for a one-and-a-half day work planning day if the organization won’t pay to host it off-site?

I work in tertiary education, government funded, in a small team. Because of budget issues, we have been denied funding for our plans to have an away day off-site — something we usually do to ensure people don’t wander away to their desks to check emails and not return to the meeting. A colleague offered their home, with the words “I have a large dining table” and several of the team were keen to accept the offer. The colleague has some boundary issues in the past, has their family living with them, and always wants to be everyone’s friend. I don’t want to spend a day and half in someone else’s house, and feel this is awkward. We can book a classroom or conference room in another building on campus. I am neurodivergent so find change challenging and also have sensory issues (ASC) and would like the opportunity to take a bathroom break or grab a coffee/drink without being in someone’s house and needing to ask permission. Am I being too sensitive or is going to someone’s house for work reasons not weird?

It’s not outrageous levels of weird, but it’s fairly unusual and generally most people would prefer a more professional setting. You could try saying, “I’d prefer to book a classroom or conference room on campus instead, which I think will be more comfortable than meeting in someone’s home.” If pressed for reasons, you could say meeting in someone’s home sounds more distracting and you’d find it easier to focus on work in a work setting.

If not inappropriate for your role, you also could offer to take the lead on setting that up, to increase the chances that it shakes out that way.

3. We’re interviewing someone I know has lied on their resume … because I used to manage him

I’m currently involved in hiring for a new position on my team. I’ve not reviewed applicants but will be part of the interviewing panel. I’ve just had the resumes of those who have had interviews arranged for next week given to me to go through ahead of meeting with them.

One is from a previous employee of mine from quite recently (the past year). I only joined my current company four months ago.

Not only is he claiming on his resume that he still works there after actually leaving in February, he’s listed his start date as 13 months earlier than he actually started. I know for certain he has not returned. So that’s a total of 20 extra months he’s claiming on a position he was in for 11. Alone I may have considered it a typo, but that’s before we get to the fact that the hyperbole he’s used to describe his role and achievements has him taking ownership of projects and results (that are also inaccurate) that he was only peripherally involved with. Think calling himself the “project lead” when he was only involved in a couple of hours of research support during a months-long project. I know this, I was the manager overseeing it all.

I don’t know how to handle this, both to protect my professionalism at my new company and in a way that gets him to stop. I was his direct lead, and I’m still listed as one of his references! I’m dreading the calls I might start getting during his job search. Is a simple “There are discrepancies on this candidate’s resume and I think he should be withdrawn from consideration” to the hiring manager enough? I don’t want to get drawn into anything remotely resembling gossip!

The saddest part is that he would have been a suitable candidate with the experience he truly has. I don’t want to be unkind; he left due to some pretty harrowing personal circumstances rather than work itself and, knowing him, may be in panic mode to get his life back on track. But I feel like my integrity and reputation matters here too. What should I do, both in the immediate with the interview pending, and for other potential situations that may arise?

That language isn’t sufficient to communicate the extent of the issue. Be more explicit — “I managed one of the candidates, Barnaby Mackelberry, at my last job and unfortunately what he’s put on his resume is significantly inaccurate. He was only there for half of the time he says he was, and he left nearly early this year despite saying he’s still there now. He also didn’t have the role or achievements he listed — he was only peripherally involved in projects he’s claiming he led. Because of those significant discrepancies, I think we should remove him from consideration.” That’s not gossip — that’s factual information that it would be strange for you to withhold as part of the hiring committee.

As for Barnaby himself … give him a call (after your company handles this, not before) and ask about it. Explain you’re part of the hiring committee for a job he applied for and saw what he listed, and say, “I can’t be a reference for you if you’re not reporting your dates and role accurately.” Frankly, though, even if he fixes it and starts sending out an accurate resume, I think your ability to give him a great reference has to be affected by this. This is more than a little puffing up! Talk to him and see what he says, but clear and obvious lies — even in a panic — would be a hard thing to overlook, especially when you’re putting your own professional reputation on the line to vouch for him.

4. Gracefully ending conversations with customers

I run a small residential painting company with two super employees. Many times, the client will hem them up with small talk, especially at the start of each day. I encourage my team to be cordial but be mindful that we have a job to do and the clock is ticking. How can I gracefully handle any rifts that might arise from not wanting to “visit” every time we show up for work? I’m not against my guys spending five minutes at the start and end of each day. I encourage it but many times the customer overdoes it.

Can you arm them with some warm-sounding phrases to use? For example, “Well, I better get started so we can get a lot done today.” You could also tell them to throw you under the bus with, “Well, I know Alex wants me to get started right away. Nice chatting with you.”

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. My employer was recording audio and video while I was in bed

I normally work on site, but got Covid and had to work from home for a week. I felt pretty bad, so I was in bed for the first two days. I always put my work laptop to sleep at night and one night my husband complained that our wifi was slow. I checked our provider app, which details what is connected to our home network and using bandwidth. I was disturbed to find that my laptop wasn’t actually asleep and was recording both video and audio. This has to be illegal, right? I was in my bedroom, hardly clothed. This feels like a severe invasion of my privacy. I was never told this was being done. I feel violated and wonder where all the footage goes.

What the F’ing F. No, it’s not legal. Employers can legally monitor you through both audio and video as long as they have a legitimate business reason for doing so and it’s while you are working, and, generally, as long as they inform you/you consent to the monitoring. (Check what you’ve signed about devices.) However, recording in places where you’d reasonably expect privacy, like bathrooms and bedrooms, is almost always prohibited, as is — again — recording you at home when you’re not working.

It’s likely that the specifics of what happened was an error (they presumably didn’t expect or intend to record you in your bedroom) but it’s still unacceptable — and if you didn’t know your computer was recording video and audio in general, even outside your bedroom, that’s a problem and something you should take up with your employer immediately. (And meanwhile, get and use a camera cover ASAP.)

2. Colleagues who want long, inefficient calls and meetings for everything

I recently joined the board of a small nonprofit with no full-time staff, which means that board members do a lot of day-to-day work ourselves, and my role is particularly heavy with those day-to-day tasks. I’m struggling to work effectively with two of our long-term board members, because our professional norms are very different. They both tend towards emails with many long paragraphs, phone/voicemail/zoom as often as possible, and don’t seem to care when meetings run long or off-topic.

To me, they don’t seem to respect my time or know how to work efficiently (a 40-minute zoom call just to share complaints that generates no solutions or action items?). But I assume to them, I am overbearing or dismissive when I ask for an email instead of a call or want an agenda before scheduling something or when I try to keep meetings on-topic and on-schedule. And to be fair, my recent choice to let my voicemail box fill up so I wouldn’t get more messages is definitely not the most professional approach!

If someone I managed at my day job had these habits, I would coach them pretty intensively to make adjustments. But I don’t manage my co-board-members, and I am hesitant to apply norms that may not be as universal as I think. I don’t know where these differences are coming from — career stage (I’m mid-career, they are both semi-retired), generation (millennial vs baby boomers), industry (I work in tech, they were both lawyers), or even just personality. I’m at my wit’s end because the constant phone calls are eating away at the time I need to do the day-to-day running of the organization, and as I get frustrated, I get even more behind. Should I discuss it with them? Or just set very firm and clear boundaries for myself, and accept that they may not like it?

Do both! Tell them that your day-to-day tasks for the organization take up X hours per week so you’re looking for ways to work more efficiently and part of that will be that you need to use email rather than calls when you can, will ask for agendas before scheduling meetings, and will need to keep meetings on-topic and on-schedule. And then after that, enforce very clear boundaries for yourself — don’t pick up unscheduled phone calls, announce at the start of meetings that you have a hard stop at X time and need to get through Y and Z before then, and decline meetings that you don’t think will be a good use of time.

See how that goes. It’s possible they’ll adapt, but it’s also possible it’ll cause tension or other issues to the point that you should reevaluate if the org is the right fit for you. It sounds like you’re volunteering your time, and there’s no reason to do that past a certain (fairly low) point of aggravation. (For what it’s worth, I’ll also add that a small nonprofit with no full-time staff where the board does all the work is … a very specific model, and one where you should make sure the outcomes the org gets are strong enough to warrant the sacrifices you’re going to be making.)

3. When coworkers leave

I am several months into my first traditional office job. I work on a small, high-performing team in a much larger institution. Recently, one of my team members (not my manager, but senior to me and someone I work with daily) shared that she will be leaving soon to pursue other projects. There’s nothing particularly dramatic in her decision to resign, but I feel completely destabilized at the thought of this person leaving. She has years of institutional knowledge and has been a valuable resource and sounding board as I’ve gotten to know the organization and my role. I’m also realizing how much I rely on her as a first line of answers, compared to our less available manager. I’m feeling emotional about her leaving, but that doesn’t feel appropriate for the very professional context we know each other in. What advice do you have for transitions like this that are healthy, but still feel upsetting? How can I make the most of the last few weeks with this coworker while preparing myself to continue to contribute positively to the next evolution of my team?

The most important thing to know is … life goes on. Things will return to feeling normal faster than you think they will, even when the person who left felt indispensable. Especially early in your career when might not have seen a lot of key colleagues leave, it can feel like their departure will change everything, but it probably won’t change that much. In fact, you might even find that other relationships move in to fill the hole of that person’s departure. (What can change things a lot is if the person who replaces them is problematic in significant ways, but hopefully that won’t be the case.)

Also, keep in mind that you can stay in contact after she leaves. She could turn out to be someone who can mentor you, or just be a helpful professional contact or even become a friend.

4. Can you leave a degree off your resume?

I’m helping my husband job search and fill out applications. Is it okay to not disclose all his education? He’s a smart guy so he thought it would be a good idea to go to college at a well regarded university on his GI Bill. So he got a BS in a general business major. But the jobs he likes and the work he does and what he is very talented at is very hands-on building, fixing, machinery of all kinds. When he applies to work somewhere, they’re pretty honest about him being overqualified because he has a degree. The automatic responses sometimes suggest other jobs in the company he should apply for. Example: he is applying for maintenance and they suggest he should apply to be a nurse. Can we just leave off that he has a degree? He is so unmarketable with it.

He can leave it off. A resume isn’t required to be a comprehensive account of everything you’ve ever done! It’s a marketing document and you can leave things off if they don’t strengthen your candidacy. It’s not that he’d be hiding his degree; he’s just judging that it’s not relevant to the jobs he’s applying for.

5. My old company tried to recruit me but now is ghosting me

I left a position at the height of the pandemic on relatively good terms. I’ve kept relationships with my old team. Recently, I met up with an old teammate who has tried to recruit me back a few times. They mentioned a potential role under someone at my old company who I know and respect. Once we confirmed I’d be interested, they texted the hiring manager on the spot, who said they wanted to talk to me.

At the end of our dinner, my old teammate gave me the hiring manager’s cell phone number. I reached out within two days over text with something like, “Hope you’re well, teammate said there may be potential to chat about a role, let me know a good time to talk.” I didn’t get a response, but know this person’s job is incredibly complex and busy, so I wasn’t too concerned. It’s not a posted role or anything, so I also chalked it up to timing or that they hadn’t had a role allocation sorted.

After a few weeks, I texted the old teammate to confirm I had reached out but hadn’t heard back, and to let me know if they heard anything further. I also included other non-work stuff we connect on. But now it’s been days and I haven’t heard back from them, either. Did I make any blunders here? I am worried I missed some kind of unspoken rule about this kind of thing. I struggle with small talk and usually prefer to be to the point, so should I have eased in more? I hope it’s a case of everyone’s lives being busy, but I am worried!

It doesn’t sound like you did anything wrong. It sounds like the kind of thing that often happens with hiring, where higher priorities just get in the way and/or the person doesn’t respond until they have something concrete to report. (I don’t know why it’s so widely seen as acceptable to handle hiring stuff that way, but it is.) It’s also possible that the hiring manager decided they don’t want to talk after all, but if that happens, it’s unlikely to be anything about the way you handled it on your side.

I’d assume it’s not happening (for now, at least) for reasons that have nothing to do with you, and let them reach back out if that changes.