coworker anonymously left breath mints on my desk, employer won’t let us drive home if we’re sick, and more

I’m on vacation. Here are some past letters that I’m making new again, rather than leaving them to wilt in the archives.

1. A coworker anonymously left breath mints on my desk

I work at a small and generally friendly office. When I came into work this morning, someone had left a small box of Tic Tacs on my desk. We have a culture where people will frequently leave candy or other small gifts at people’s offices, but when I glanced at other people’s desks, no one else had Tic Tacs (and it would be a strange gift for people, anyway!).

I am usually the first or second person into the office and the second to last to leave for the day, so I have a good idea of who it may have been. I have a good relationship with those people and I’m sure if either of them left it, it was intended as a gentle way to encourage me to use Tic Tacs or something similar. I can’t be certain of who it was.

It feels incredibly painful, however. I am on medication that causes dry mouth and low appetite (both of which can cause bad breath). I am also in recovery from a severe mental health episode where frankly I let my personal hygiene slip on some days. My boss is aware of my health issue and I have FML paperwork documenting it. My coworkers are aware as I’ve had to leave the office for doctor’s appointments weekly for the past six months but I have not talked about the specific reason for them.

I would obviously prefer that whoever left this had continued to ignore the issue but, at the end of the day, would have wanted them to bring it up with me in person rather than handle it this way. Do I bring this up with my boss? Do I ask around the office to see who may have left them? Do I ignore it and bring a travel toothbrush to work?

I’m sorry — that has to really feel crappy.

This kind of anonymous thing is just so mean, whatever form it takes — anonymous notes, anonymous gifts of soap or breath mints, etc. It’s such a cowardly thing to do. People who do it may think that it’s conveying useful information, but it’s a horrible way to receive the message … and it leaves the recipient having to wonder who’s behind it, whether it’s multiple people, if they were talked about, and a bunch of other really awful things. If someone is concerned enough that they want to deliver this message, they should have the decency to talk in person. And yes, that’s hard to do, so I understand the impulse to look for another option … but this method is cruel. And avoiding cruelty should trump the desire to avoid discomfort.

As for what to do … If your coworkers are otherwise being friendly and collegial with you, it’s not really in the category of things you need to escalate to your boss. And I don’t know that there’s anything to be gained by asking around the office about it. Whoever did it presumably did it this way precisely to preserve their anonymity, so they’re probably not going to fess up when you ask, and by asking around, you end up bringing more people into it.

On the other hand, if you’re comfortable with being pretty public about the situation, you could just talk to people about it matter-of-factly and say something like, “I wanted to mention that I’m on medication that’s giving me dry mouth. I’m trying to keep it from impacting my breath, but in case it does, please know I’m aware of it and trying to keep it under control.” I don’t think you really have any obligation to say that, but it might give you some peace of mind. (It also has the side benefit of probably making the anonymous-Tic-Tac-leaver feel guilty.)

And yeah, a travel toothbrush, some gum, some mints … any of that will probably help. Sorry you’re dealing with this.

2017

Read an update to this letter here.

2. I’ve found my jobs by offering finder’s fees to acquaintances

I’ve found my best jobs through offering “finder’s fees” of $1,000-$2,000 to acquaintances who put my resume in the hands of a hiring manager and get me a job. It has also made the job search process very quick!

However, are these inducements ethically dubious, and does one risk looking desperate or, well, sleazy, by offering them?

To me, it would look desperate to the point of being a turn-off, because it feels like you’re saying you don’t trust your skills and experience to speak for themselves. I suppose it’s possible that there’s some industry out there where this won’t read that way, but I’d feel pretty icky about being on the receiving end of that request.

And really, if I think you’re a good candidate, I’m going to connect you regardless — I don’t need to be paid to do it. And if I don’t think you’re strong enough to connect, the offer of money isn’t going to change that. I suppose the argument is that it gets people thinking more about who they could connect you with than they’d otherwise do … but it still feels pretty off.

And if I were the hiring manager who was connected with you that way, I’d feel icky about that too.

I’m hesitant to tell you to stop doing something that’s working for you, but it’s worth considering if you might be changing the way people perceive you in the process.

2017

3. I accidentally sent an email mentioning sex to my girlfriend’s work email account

I recently sent an email to my girlfriend that mentioned sex. No pictures, no descriptions. My exact phrase was “about as much as I hate having sex with you,” which meant not at all. She did not reply, nor make any comments that warrant such a remark.

I thought this was to her personal email but realized, after had already pressed Send, that it was to her work email.

She works for a huge company, and her job requires her to send about a hundred emails out a day.

What are the chances they flag this? Gets brought to management attention? Could she get in trouble for something I did?

It is highly, highly unlikely that this will be flagged or that anyone will get in trouble for it. It is Quite Minor as far as inappropriate use of work email goes.

The worst case scenario, which is really unlikely to happen, is that your girlfriend would get a heads-up to stop using work email for personal messages … but again, even that is extremely unlikely to happen. If she’s really worried about it, she could reply with something like, “Please do not email me at my work address,” so that if anyone did happen to look, it would already be on the record that she’s already taken care of it … but really, that’s not even necessary; it’s more of a peace of mind measure.

You should probably take her work email address out of your email program’s auto-fill though, since there are all kinds of possibilities for inappropriate emails to be mistakenly addressed otherwise. And that advice goes for any other mildly risqué emailers out there too!

2012

4. Employer won’t let us drive home if we’re sick

I work in Iowa. My place of employment is now telling us that if we leave work early for being sick, we are not allowed to drive home. They will either provide us a ride or have us set up a ride and leave our vehicle at work to be picked up at a later time. Once I’m off the clock, can they really force me not to drive home and leave my vehicle at work?

Probably. You’d need to take to a lawyer to see if there’s anything in your state law that would prohibit it, but federal law doesn’t prevent this kind of overreach by an employer.

Law aside, it’s an incredibly obnoxious policy; most people who are sick are perfectly capable of driving themselves home. It’s clearly designed to keep people from leaving during the work day, even if they’re legitimately ill. I’d ask them to explain to you the rationale for the policy, and consider pushing back with a group of others so that your objection has strength in numbers behind it.

This kind of overreach is a recipe for annoyed employees who aren’t as inclined to go above and beyond at work. (And if it’s accompanied by similar overreaching policies, it’s the sort of thing that often eventually inspires people to unionize). Your employer is being pretty short-sighted.

2015

updates: coworker reported a colleague for injuring a client but it wasn’t true, and more

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are four updates from past letter-writers.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

1. How do I raise performance problems that I didn’t address earlier? (#3 at the link)

I am thankful for your advice and that of the commenters when this was published. I felt so supported! I took your advice and the conversations went well enough. One direct report told me previous managers have had the same conversation with them!! (Argh.) But performance has improved since my post. It’s still not where it should be, but we’re on the right track. I’ve done some reflection and realized that I need to more directly communicate my expectations as well.

On the other hand, the last few months have been insanely hectic, to the point where I’m only able to manage the day-to-day. Without revealing too much, I am dealing with community safety issues that I don’t have the training for. And I am also spending enormous emotional energy making sure my team is ok too. I mentioned we serve the public, and while most areas of the U.S. have rebounded well after the pandemic, my area has not, and this spills over into our work. I’ve talked to our EAP coordinator, who knows everything, and they use the term “compounding stress.”

I have also talked to my manager about the toll this has taken on my ability to manage well, and while I have gotten support, I am just tired. In addition, my organization is facing severe budget cuts, and we need to have tighter control over our hours. Through the pandemic until now, I’ve been able to give my team some flexibility with their hours; half of us have children to pick up in the evenings. Now I have to take that flexibility away, which is not going to go well at all, and I may end up losing more staff. I have done just about all of the change-management I can do. I feel like an old laptop battery: even after a full charge (i.e. a good night’s sleep), I am still operating at 50% capacity. In short, I’m burned out, I don’t feel that I’m doing my best work, and so I am starting to look for other opportunities

This is kind of a bummer update. But maybe I’ll have a more positive update to the update in another 6 months or so!

2. How do I avoid being the go-to person for questions from our new people? (#3 at the link)

Thanks for answering my (relatively boring) question! A lot of helpful debate in comments, and I couldn’t exactly take your specific advice because the new team members don’t have a specific manager, but are “managed” by senior leadership on whatever case they are staffed on. But I did get better at telling them that I couldn’t help right now, or asking “what have you tried so far?”. That one came from the comments! Sometimes they had to figure it out for themselves, or sometimes they went to other team members with more management responsibilities first. It ended up going fine, especially as this coincided with more people gradually being in the physical office once a week or so.

One thing to note is most of them were MUCH cooler to me after I tried this a few times, to a point where it felt like they were resentful. Most are fresh out of college, so I think some are still learning professionalism – there have been other issues there (to say the least). But anyways, thank you for your response and the comment section’s helpfulness.

3. My coworker reported a colleague for injuring a client, but it wasn’t true

The day my letter was published, a couple days after everything went down, Jane announced she was retiring at the end of the week. As many commenters suspected, we do provide in-home health care. No wrongdoing was found on Anna’s part. The training I mentioned is just standard practice in our industry if there’s a complaint. Everything settled down immediately after Jane’s sudden departure. Thanks for the extra perspectives.

4. Llamas (#6 at the link)

I first wrote in to tell you about the llama zoom I organized for my student employees (#6 here). I can confidently say that in the year and a half since that fun day, my life continues to be substantially improved by the llamas and our local entrepreneurial llama farmer.

Right around that llama zoom, outdoor activities in our state started to open up. Inspired by my social media posts, several groups of friends and co-workers (both local and around the country) arranged to visit the llamas at the farm and/or zoom them into meetings. I’ll totally take credit for introducing something joyful and a little silly in the midst of, well, the dumpster fire of 2020 …. (BTW, several commenters noted it was bad optics to be paying for such entertainment while other employees were being laid off. This was an excellent point; I was relieved to learn that this awesome farm does educational visits for no fee. The llamas actually visit schools and nursing homes throughout the year! I did choose to personally donate to the farm to acknowledge the time they spent with us, but that was not a required expense.)

A few months later, I finally had the chance to meet a llama in person when a birthday surprise showed up at my house; here is a photo of a festively-dressed Earl on my front porch. My neighbors and I were all shocked to discover Earl and his llama buddies travel in a MINIVAN, which they gracefully hop in and out of, and our dogs did not know how to feel about this giant strange creature. No birthday will ever top this.

The summer of 2021 brought more in-person llama fun and I managed to drag multiple friends and co-workers to LLAMA YOGA at the farm. In case you have ever wondered, it’s way more sanitary and less stressful than goat yoga – no need to worry about stepping in random poop (see: llama have communal poop piles that are out of the way, like litter boxes). As much as I enjoy yoga, these sessions were really about interacting with the llamas and getting great selfies. Between the breath work and these goofy and friendly animals, we always left feeling refreshed! Here are Sully and Poet checking out our yoga mats.

Once I’d memorized the names of the full herd of llamas (10 at that time), thus obtaining my VIP status, I had to kick it up a notch. The farm has an adorable vacation rental house on the property so *of course* it was the natural next step to host a holiday meal for 10 at the farm… Thus, Llama (Passover) Seder and later, Llama Rosh Hashana, came to be. The main attractions aka the very curious llamas come by the backyard to see what the guests are up to, so everyone got to meet them. Even the skeptics (not that there were any… many…) were won over by these silly, friendly creatures who enjoy nose-to-nose greetings.

And finally, the pinnacle of pinnacles – I started a new job on campus earlier in the year, which is a whole separate update, and I got to host the LLAMAS (REAL ONES!) at an on-campus event for my job. To clarify, this job (while incredibly awesome) does not involve animals, cameloid species, or anything remotely relevant to llamas … When I first proposed this to my supervisor, he said “well, that’s a novel idea…” but I was luckily able to get him to see the light and it was a hit! We had over 200 students in line to meet the llamas and take selfies, including several who heard about it from their instructor and came 30 minutes early because they were *not* missing this. Oh yeah, and we got to share information about our project, which I’m pretty sure none of those students will ever forget! Here is Earl again, with his campus-appropriate graduation outfit.

So, there you have it, the llama update, which is probably a lot longer than you expected. Bottom line – they are a joy, farmers are amazing, and you should get out there & support your local small business! Thank you again for all the wise insights, great advice, and all the laughs that your site provides every single day. I’d be lost without it!

update: my lovely but bumbling boss is driving me crazy

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

Remember the letter-writer whose lovely but bumbling boss was driving them crazy? Here’s the update.

My update is not quite the one anyone may be wanting or expecting, but on the whole I would say it’s a very positive one.

First of all, I want to say that the comments were immensely helpful, and I learned a lot from them. Some of the advice was game-changing. My heartfelt gratitude goes out to the AAM community.

To cut a long story short, a couple of months after writing in, I experienced a serious and frightening health crisis – serious enough to have me cleaning out my closets and drawing up papers. It was not the time to think about looking for a new job, or anything at all really except recovering my health.

On the work front, Ms. Bedelia was magnificent. It’s no exaggeration to say that I couldn’t have gotten through the days without her calm and unstinting support. The two of us drew a lot closer as a result.

While I was down and out for the count, I had a lot of time to ponder things, and to sift through the stuff that really matters to me. I decided that I loved my job, and didn’t want to leave. I decided to choose my battles more wisely in the future. I also realized that it took only seconds out of my working day to do a little course correction, such as teaching Ms. B that the keys always go here, your ticket always goes there, now just keep at it until it becomes a reflex action. It took some time, and it’s not a perfect system but I would say that this simple method alone has dramatically reduced the incidence of lost or misplaced items (although I have to admit that I’m astonished that an intelligent adult never learned the concept of ‘everything in its place’ because I had that one drummed into me in childhood!).

I also fully accepted that she is not going to change, and it’s a load off me. I have developed far more compassion and admiration for her. I’ve seen how crestfallen she looks when she realizes that she has messed up. She disappoints herself numerous times a day, yet she still gets up in the morning and braves the world. That takes a lot of courage.

She’s grateful for my help, and she’s gracious enough not to abuse the privilege. I’m still sticking to my boundaries.

Case in point: after the staff Halloween party she forgot to remove her bunny girl ears, and I ‘forgot’ to mention it (not my problem, after all). Apparently she didn’t notice until she got home!

Thanks again, everybody.

updates: my coworker told me he’s hiding a terminal illness, and more

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are four updates from past letter-writers.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

1. My coworker told me he’s hiding a terminal illness

I stand by my original response on Jan 24th – I was so amazed at the reactions from your community of readers. Some made me laugh, some gave me perspective, most made me feel relieved for just getting the experience off my chest and having others reflect it back to me.

One response really stuck with me and that was a very, very strong reaction saying something to the effect of “how dare you judge what someone with cancer looks like.” To be fair, I stand by the fact that people close to me have fought cancer…I have some data points to know what fighting cancer can and does look like up close. However, that person’s response was such a good dose of perspective for me…it actually completely changed how I viewed my colleague. How DID I know? All I had was his word. Was the timing in terms of sharing the news difficult for me (weeks before the birth of my first child…)…yes. But after reading your community’s responses, I stepped away feeling more like I can choose how I want to respond here and I actually decided that I didn’t want to judge what I “thought” my colleague should look like or how I thought he should behave. I just wanted him to be well (and he said/continues to say he is) and for it NOT to impact our working relationship, as he requested.

So your community’s advice was extremely helpful in freeing me from the “OMG-ness” of working with a colleague who has a medical condition they don’t want to share. My role isn’t to judge or tell him what to do, but rather accept how he wants to handle it and support him.

I also want to share a book I read this year that I think reinforced that one person’s response. I May Be Wrong by Bjorn Natthiko Lindeblad is a monk’s reflection on the best advice he ever received: in essence, have the ability to step back from a situation, a conversation, a reaction and say “I may be wrong” three times. It is SO freeing. So freeing. While your community member delivered that message with a bit of zing, I think that’s really what they were trying to say … and they were right (… I MAY be wrong!).

Thank you for creating a space for people to safely navigate the wild and crazy world of professional relationships. You do an amazing job and while I hope I don’t have to turn to you again any time soon, I’m glad to know there is somewhere to go!

2. I’m drowning in work and don’t know if my expectations are unreasonable

In short: I recently quit, and went back to my old job!

I continued on months after sending in my message wanting to stick it out. Things got better because I learned the work dynamics more, but it was still a mess.

However, the last straw for me was when they hired two new people in our department. No discussion with me if I was higher in seniority to them, or if they would help with the work load. But I got the strong impression I would be on-boarding on top of my current workload and any new additional projects they might add. More work, no credit and definitely no more pay. That’s exactly what would have happened had I not quit within the first week of the new hires.

Fortunately enough my previous employer reached out asking if I would be interested in coming back. The pay was almost the same, better benefits, WFH, and way less stress.

When I told my old employer I’d received an offer I asked if they would like to try and retain me. I provided a list of what I’d need to stay, I made my demands high because that’s what it would have taken to keep me. Instead of simply saying they couldn’t meet my wants. They essentially sat me down and walked me line by line that I did not deserve what I was asking for on the list or deflected blame. One specifically I brought up time off in lieu of working weekends again – I’d been dismissed in my first discussion with them. In this final meeting they said “sorry if you misunderstood we could have done that.” Another was working hybrid, I got a solid no despite some other team members being fully WFH already? And the cherry on top, they added they would need to see “certain types of performance” to provide me to increase salary. I pressed on what type of performance since we had no performance structure, and was essentially told they didn’t have one and didn’t plan to put one in. A never ending cycle of more work but no performance structure for me to leverage.

It was a toxic work environment. I’m sad it didn’t work out because I loved the work I got to do, but am so much happier now.

All in all. The workload might have became more manageable due to my effort, but lack of value and respect is what drove me out.

Thank you for the advice!

3. I can’t afford to go to an event recognizing my work (#3 at the link)

A rather downbeat update on this one I’m afraid- no one in my management structure was ever able to confirm that I would be able to claim expenses to attend the gala, so I didn’t go. It was last weekend and I’ve just seen the photographs from the event- my team did end up winning a prestigious award for work I’d had a big hand in, and as predicted everyone was in black tie formal wear. I’m kicking myself a bit for not just eating the cost as I can see that lots of influential people attended that I would have loved to make contact with.

Please tell your readers how much I appreciated their support. One reader commented that it was like they were all my fairy godmothers trying to get me to the ball, and I really felt that! Also big thanks to everyone who had suggestions about where plus size people can find formal wear- there were some great resources shared in the comments!

4. What do I owe my boss after grad school? (#3 at the link)

I wrote back in May 2021 about how long I should stay in a role that I didn’t love after completing my grad degree. I thought my boss was amazing but didn’t love the work itself. My question was pretty inconsequential, but I like updates, so I figured I would send mine along.

Almost a year after I wrote into you, I accepted a new job! It’s much more closely related to my ideal career and is a great stepping stone for where I’m hoping to go next. There was an enormous learning curve, but I find my work so fulfilling, interesting, and like I’m getting to do my part to make the world a better place. My new bosses are also huge advocates for my coworkers and me, and we are treated like the experts we are. I feel like lightning struck twice for me with good bosses!

As for my former boss, as expected she handled my resignation incredibly well. She made it clear that I would be missed, but she was excited for me to start a new adventure. The best part is, she is now at a new job herself! As much as she liked our current institution, something too good to pass up fell into her lap and she’s moving to a new place with a higher title. She’s encouraged me to stay connected and made it clear she will always happily be a reference for me. I was and still am incredibly grateful I got such a good introduction into the working world. She’s genuinely an amazing boss!

Thank you for all the amazing advice you give! It has been so helpful as someone still new in my career!

update: my boss is rude to my husband (there’s more!)

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past.

Earlier this week I published an update from the letter-writer whose boss was rude to her husband. Now there’s more!

I wanted to add a postscript: I got another job! After I wrote to you with my update, I decided I was *just* furious enough to quit without another job offer in my pocket. To the abject horror of my parents, I did just that. I was of course very nervous about going voluntarily unemployed at the beginning of a recession, but I’m so, so pleased to report that – thanks in no small part to your job application advice – I’ve been offered another job! It’s fewer hours, more money, more benefits and (to the relief of my formerly horrified parents), much more prestige.

The offer came through on the penultimate day of my notice period, which was very sweet indeed. During that whole notice month my boss noticeably ignored me, which was an improvement. On my last day he then handed me a card with a poem (!) inside it, and said, I kid you not, “Don’t tell your hubby.” I gave what I hope was a bollock-shrivelling laugh and said of course I would tell my husband; we share everything. Boss then squeezed my shoulder and said, “I’ll miss you” in an embarrassingly heartfelt voice. Yikes.

I did, of course, show my husband the card. I then took great pleasure from deleting my former boss from my phone, thoughts and life.

should you lay someone off right before Christmas?

A reader writes:

I have a very part-time admin worker who has been with us for about six months. We are a small company with a tight budget. Unfortunately, the last few months have been rough and I need to make some cuts. I have been struggling with getting this employee up-to-speed and it seems like she is not a good fit for the role. I have made the decision to let her go. However, Christmas is in a few weeks and I am not sure if I should wait to let her go in January or let her go now.

Financially, keeping her through December will be doable, but I am wondering if it might be better for her to know that she is going to be let go and give her a chance to look for a new job now. Her background is in retail, and it would probably be pretty easy for her to pick up a seasonal part-time job in retail now. Plus, she might need to cut back on holiday spending if she knew she was going to be losing the income from this job.

Should I let her go now in the hopes that she will be able to jump into another job for the seasonal rush? Or, wait until January and don’t ruin the holidays? I would also be able to pay her a severance of two weeks pay if I let her go now. But might not if I wait to let her go. She does have another job, so this is not her only source of income.

I answer this question — and three others — over at Inc. today, where I’m revisiting letters that have been buried in the archives here from years ago (and sometimes updating/expanding my answers to them). You can read it here.

Other questions I’m answering there today include:

  • Is it rude to answer a voicemail with an email?
  • Should I be the one to make sure my staff knows when people will be out?
  • Mixing formal employee awards with more fun ones

office holiday gift-giving stories: worst gifts and weirdest gifts

In the spirit of the season, let’s hear about workplace gift debacles. Did a game of Secret Santa end in tears? Did a coworker throw a tantrum when she didn’t win a raffle? Did your boss try to give you Hanukkah balls? Were you given a jar of mold as a gift? These are all real stories that we’ve heard here in the past. Now you must top them.

Share your weirdest or funniest story related to gifts in the office in the comments.

should I put fan fiction on my resume, I want my boss to deny my vacation request so I don’t have to visit my family, and more

I’m on vacation. Here are some past letters that I’m making new again, rather than leaving them to wilt in the archives.

1. Can I ask my boss to deny my vacation request so I don’t have to go home for Christmas?

I recently graduated from college and moved out of a fairly precarious home situation into an awesome apartment in a neighboring state and a perfect first job.

The holidays are approaching and I have Monday and Tuesday of Christmas week off but not the rest of the week. I’ll go home for that long weekend, but my parents expect me to request the rest of the week off (I have a very good PTO package so I’ll have the days available). However, I want to be back in town right away due to the aforementioned rocky home situation. They’ll try to make the unilateral decision about my vacation time so I can’t really just flat-out refuse to stay home if it’s an option. I don’t want to lie to my parents (tell them my vacation request was denied if I haven’t asked/was given a go-ahead), but can I get my boss to refuse to give me that time off?

Note: I know this home situation may raise some red flags, but my question is more focused on the vacation requests with my boss, not those issues.

Well … in theory you can ask your boss to do that, but you shouldn’t.

If you do explain the situation to your boss and ask her to deny your vacation request, a lot of bosses would say something like, “Feel free to say we needed you here if you want to.”

But you’re going to make yourself look a lot more like a kid to your boss if you do this, and you don’t want that. You want your boss to think of you as an adult (which you are!).

Plus, if your goal is to not lie to your parents, this isn’t going to accomplish that. Even if your boss does what you’re asking, that’s not a real vacation denial. It’s a charade that you requested. So if you then tell your parents that you couldn’t get the time off, it’s still going to be a lie — even if your boss went through the motions of denying the time off at your request. (That’s actually part of the reason that this will make you look less mature to your boss — because it’s an odd sort of game-playing.)

But if you don’t want to spend that whole week at home and you don’t want to have to debate it with your parents, you’re allowed to just tell them that you can’t get the whole week off, without involving your boss at all. “I can’t get those days off” is a time-honored way of getting out of plans that people don’t want to make. And yes, it’s better if you can be honest and up-front with your parents, but it’s really common to have family dynamics that make that tough to do. And people who try to unilaterally control other adults’ vacation time forfeit their right to honest, forthright answers.

Hopefully at some point in the future you’ll feel comfortable asserting yourself with your family about this kind of thing — and hopefully you’ve resolved to get yourself to the point in the future — but if you’re not there right now, you’re allowed to use the “have to work” white lie.

2017

2. Should I put fanfiction on my resume?

I’m a college student putting a resume together for the first time and your blog has been a huge help. There is, however, one thing I am unsure of. That’s if I should include my fanfiction on my resume.

I’ve published over 83,000 words of fanfiction in 2015 alone. One of my works is in the top 2% of all stories in its fandom, which I am of course very proud of.

However, I’m worried that listing this will weird out employers or come off as unprofessional or out of touch. I also know that if I list it more vaguely (not calling it fanfiction or mentioning where online I publish my work), it’s likely to come up in an interview. Would a hiring manager be alarmed by an applicant including this in a resume? Or is it not that big of a deal?

I wouldn’t include it. Fanfic has enough of a bad reputation with enough people — it’s marginalized, at best — that while some hiring managers might find it interesting or take it as evidence of writing skills, there’s too high a risk of many others seeing its appearance on a resume as a negative. There are also copyright issues with a lot of fanfiction, and if you get a hiring manager who’s attuned to that (for example, me), you risk raising their hackles on that front.

If you want to demonstrate writing skills, there are lots of other ways to do it — with your cover letter and writing samples, for instance.

2016

Read an update to this letter here.

3. Owner wants staff to call him Mr. ____ “until they earn his respect”

I recently heard a weird request from one of the owners of the company for which I work. He had a discussion about respect with the sales people. One of the results of this discussion was that the sales people could no longer refer this owner as Bruce, which they had been calling him that for years now. He wants them to refer to him as Mr. Springsteen, until he tells them otherwise. Apparently once they earn his respect they can go back to calling him Bruce. In the mean time failure to call him Mr. Springsteen means a person could be sent home early.

I personally think this is beyond bizarre and has actually led me to respecting him less. Because if you are playing respect games…well I’m not going to really respect you anymore. Is there a good reason behind something like this that I’m missing? Or do I work with a loon?

You work with a loon.

2014

4. Employee reported her coworker for a Facebook photo that showed some skin

My coworker, “Kara,” reported our coworker “Sally” to the manager of our organization for having a Facebook profile photo that Kara felt was inappropriate and reflected poorly on the organization. The photo showed a strip of Sally’s bare skin, but there was no reference to our organization visible in the photo or in the caption. (Her back faced the camera, and she had a fur over her shoulders. You could see a portion of her back and part of an armpit, but not as far down as her waist. According to Sally, she was wearing a halter top that wasn’t visible in the photo. According to the Kara who reported it, it was a topless photo. She claimed to know this because she overheard the other employee discussing the photo shoot in their shared residence.)

Our manager directed Sally’s supervisor to speak to her about the photo. The supervisor did so, although she felt that the photo had no bearing on our organization and was not inappropriate.

I will soon become the supervisor of both Kara and Sally. Sally expressed concern about being able to work productively in close proximity to Kara and stated that the reporting of the Facebook photo to our manager had been very upsetting. Due to the nature of our work, these employees not only work together but also live in close proximity to each other, and it is difficult to establish solid boundaries between work and personal lives. I want to ensure that Kara does not continue to pass information about the personal lives of her coworkers on to the manager of our organization when that information has no impact on work performance. Unfortunately, this behavior seems to be condoned by the manager. What is the best way to manage this situation?

This is none of Kara’s business. Who cares if she had a halter top on or not? The photo was of a piece of her back. It’s hardly scandalous.

Your real issue here is your manager, who thought this was an appropriate thing for the organization to involve itself in. I want you to tell Kara that you want her to focus on doing her work and that it’s not appropriate to make this sort of complaint, but before you can do that, you need to get aligned with your own boss about that — because you don’t her to undermine that message, and it sounds like she might. I’d say this to your boss: “I feel strongly that Sally’s photo didn’t cross any lines, and that it was none of our business. I want to discourage Kara from interfering in her coworkers’ private lives in the future, and I want to make sure that we’re on the same page about that.”

2015

5. How to deal with coworkers who are annoying about Christmas

Through no fault of my own, I am serving a term on our organization’s Social Committee. It’s time to organize the annual “holiday” party, and it’s not sitting right with me. I could use some perspective!

In the first planning meeting, while discussing dates, I suggested we hold it in January, as people tend to have more free time then, plus “it’s less alienating for people who don’t celebrate Christmas.” That suggestion was quickly shot down.

The rest of the meeting was full of phrases like “Let’s go traditional with the food, since I like a traditional Christmas, I mean holiday” and “Oh we can’t do that because Christmas offends some people.”

I celebrate Christmas! I like Christmas! But I feel weird about celebrating Christmas at work. Not everyone celebrates, some people prefer to celebrate somberly or privately, and for some people, the last few months of the year in general bring up painful memories.

It really rubs me the wrong way that an event ostensibly organized as something fun for all employees can actually be a source of unhappiness and exclusion for anyone who doesn’t adhere to a particular (religious) custom. Is there anything I can do to promote a spirit of inclusion or is this just something we’re stuck with in modern-day America?

Ick, yeah. If you’re up for it, I would say this: “If we truly value a diverse staff and an inclusive workplace, this is the kind of thing that matters. No one here has said that Christmas offends people. The issue is that acting as if everyone celebrates Christmas can alienate people and make them feel invisible, and that’s at odds with our commitment to diversity and inclusivity. That’s it. Let’s please not set up straw men that aren’t actually in play here.”

2017

update: I’m afraid the CEO will suck me back in when I try to resign

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past.

Remember the letter-writer who was afraid her CEO would suck her back in when she tried to resign? Here’s the update.

I ended up getting a job offer from the competitor, but turned it down. They seemed just as hectic and missing work/life balance like the current job, so I figured I’d stay with the dysfunction I knew rather than throwing myself into new dysfunction. The competitor also wasn’t going to offer a salary to make the new dysfunction worth it.

At the end of August I was contacted by a former colleague, “Dave,” and was asked if I was interested in a position at the new company he was working at. I went for an interview, and then was given an offer that would involve a much shorter commute, and 33% salary increase. It seemed like a good match for my skills and good group of people. The new company is in the same industry but not the exact angle as the old one (think teapot painting vs teapot molding) so I’ll get to learn something new. I got an official offer letter on Tuesday, and decided to accept and tell the current job I was resigning at the end of the week.

I was working out of a field office, and on Wednesday morning I was asked to come into the main office that afternoon to meet with my manager about an upcoming project. Since I wasn’t intending to stay for the upcoming project, and I would be face to face with my manager, Wednesday quickly turned into the day to tell the news! I reread your advice, drove the hour to the main office, prepped in the car, and headed in to my meeting. I decided before going in that I didn’t want to be talked into staying. I told my manager “Matt” that I was resigning, and he was surprised. Matt asked me where I was going, and what they were offering me – I told him, figuring I knew I wasn’t staying but maybe it would help them with some market research and push them to better compensate my soon-to-be-former coworkers. He asked why I was leaving, and told him that I appreciated working with him and I learned a lot, but the 1 hr+ commute was getting to me and it was time for me to expand my horizons. Matt kept asking variations on “well what if we made you a higher counter-offer?”, but tellingly never addressed the commute, work/life balance, etc. I kept answering with that I had already made a decision that was best for me, and I’d accepted the new offer but will work hard to transition in the next two weeks. My manager Matt called the CEO “Mike” into his office, and we had the same conversation again. Mike the CEO did eventually end it by telling Matt to stop with the what-ifs, and wished me luck going forward. And that I thought was that.

The first week of my notice period, my manager Matt asked me to continue to work on the upcoming project without someone to transition it to, rather than wrapping up a project that I was working on that was ending. That didn’t make sense to me, and I discussed that with Matt, but hey, I’m not the boss.

Then at the end of the week, the CEO Mike asked to take me out to breakfast and billed it as an exit interview. I couldn’t really say no. We got to the restaurant, and Mike starts launching in about why I should stay! He told me realized they made a mistake, they were going to change this, that, and the other thing, he had a whole 5 year plan to make everything better, and on and on. Mike said that he had asked me to keep working on the upcoming project during my notice period because he was so sure he could convince me to stay! Based on how previous promises were not fulfilled, I didn’t really believe what he was promising now. He told me “this family is like a company and I’m just trying to look out for what’s best for you,” which we all know is a great sign. He was also trying to convince me that it really was no big deal if I turned down the new offer after already accepting and setting a start date. I had no intention of changing my mind and staying, but I listened politely and told Mike I’d think over what he said. When I got back to the office, I discussed what happened at breakfast with a coworker who had worked with Mike for a long time. She suggested that I wait until Monday to tell Mike that no, I’m really leaving, so that it looked like I “thought hard about it over the weekend” so to save face a bit for him.

So Monday morning, I went and talked to Mike, and told him again that I was really leaving. He seemed to accept it this time, and again wished me luck. And this time I really thought that was that …. BUT!

Monday afternoon we held a retirement party at a restaurant for a long time coworker. Dave, the former coworker who recruited me to the new company, was invited. I noticed Dave walk in to the party, and walk out not that long after, but I didn’t really think about it. Dave called me later that afternoon to tell me what happened. Dave walked into the party, and Mike made a beeline to him. Without any small talk, and in front of a bunch of people, Mike berated Dave about “how could you steal [me, the letter writer] away!” and how horrible he was. Dave got himself out of that conversation, and decided he wasn’t going to stay at the party to be talked to like that and left (and I don’t blame him!). Dave had still been doing a lot of favors for Mike and others at the old job, and now is less willing. So turns out I’m not really the one who has to worry about burning bridges….

I’ve been at the new company for about a month now. I’m still working on learning the ropes, but I’ve gotten good feedback so far and think I’ll get the hang of it! It was a lot of drama, but I made the right choice.

update: my ex-boss wants me to pay a phone bill for months I didn’t work there

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

Remember the letter-writer whose ex-boss wanted her to pay a phone bill for months she didn’t work there? Here’s the update.

It’s hard to believe it’s been nearly eight months since I wrote that letter. And what an eight months it has been – especially for the ex-boss!

Fortunately, blocking her seemed to do the trick, and I haven’t heard another word about her insane request for me to pay two months of HER cell phone bill. Of course, I have blocked her everywhere imaginable, but I also assume someone finally convinced her she had no leg to stand on. But I also found out that MONEY (or lack thereof) may have been the reason she was pushing me to pay the bill.

I decided to reach out to the two former employees that I mentioned had left to start their own business right before I was hired. And boy, did I get a LOT of info. We had shockingly similar stories about the level of crazy with the ex-boss, and that was helpful to me in recovering from the toxicity and guilt about what happened after I left (and yes, I did seek therapy about it!) I know a lot of people thought I was nuts for staying for two years, but these two guys? One was there for ten years and the other for 12!!

Most interestingly, I found out they had offered to buy the business from her when they left. They offered her a very fair price, and the clients would have transferred to their new company (given they were doing all the work for them anyway, it made total sense). The ex-boss was pushing 65, so it was reasonable she might want to retire. Per her usual MO, she reacted with emotion instead of thinking it through, got completely offended and fired them on the spot. Within a few hours, she re-hired them knowing she needed them to stay out their final weeks so she could get her act together (which included hiring me). When they eventually left, three clients decided to go with them to their new business. Over the course of the two years I worked there, two more got fed up and left for their company as well. They then had five of the original client list.

Fast forward to a month after I quit. What I was sure would happen had happened. On the day I left, the company still had 12 clients. Just four weeks later, they were down to THREE. Two of the 12 left as soon as they heard I had quit. Six more left within a month and went to the company of the two former employees – the same employees who had tried to buy her out. The ex-boss could have been paid and retired peacefully. Instead, she let her pride prevail, and two years later, she had lost 11 clients to their company anyway – and they didn’t have to pay her a dime. She’s apparently had to get temp jobs because she isn’t making enough to live on with just three clients. It’s honestly sad.

The only thing I’ve heard from her (sort of?) was about a month ago. She mailed our company a box of cookies with a note wishing us “well in your future endeavors.” First of all, WEIRD given there’s no longer any association between our two companies, but even MORE weird – our employees work remotely, and she knows that. How was it supposed to work with this box of cookies? Were we supposed to mail each employee a cookie? My boss ended up giving them to her partner. A couple of weeks later, ex-boss texted my boss to ask if she had gotten the cookies. Since my boss didn’t immediately text to GUSH with appreciation over a random box of cookies, ex-boss apparently assumed I hadn’t let anyone know they were received (because I’m a terrible person).

There are truly hundreds of crazy stories I need to write down from my time there. I once mentioned I’d never been to New York. Ex-boss suddenly decided we were going TOGETHER for a weekend (at the height of the pandemic, might I add), that she was paying for it and we would be staying with some friend of hers that I didn’t even know. I declined the offer (multiple times). She said she understood but called me a week later to rant how upset and hurt she was that “you don’t want to go to New York with me!!!” Or the time I went to her house to help her fix a computer issue – while she stayed in her bedroom napping!

BUT! I made it out alive! My hair is growing back. I am beyond happy at my new company, love my boss and co-workers and even got a promotion that starts in January! And without that crazy job, I never would have met my current boss. So at least there’s a silver lining!