Ask a Manager

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are four updates from past letter-writers.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

1. How do I raise performance problems that I didn’t address earlier? (#3 at the link)

I am thankful for your advice and that of the commenters when this was published. I felt so supported! I took your advice and the conversations went well enough. One direct report told me previous managers have had the same conversation with them!! (Argh.) But performance has improved since my post. It’s still not where it should be, but we’re on the right track. I’ve done some reflection and realized that I need to more directly communicate my expectations as well.

On the other hand, the last few months have been insanely hectic, to the point where I’m only able to manage the day-to-day. Without revealing too much, I am dealing with community safety issues that I don’t have the training for. And I am also spending enormous emotional energy making sure my team is ok too. I mentioned we serve the public, and while most areas of the U.S. have rebounded well after the pandemic, my area has not, and this spills over into our work. I’ve talked to our EAP coordinator, who knows everything, and they use the term “compounding stress.”

I have also talked to my manager about the toll this has taken on my ability to manage well, and while I have gotten support, I am just tired. In addition, my organization is facing severe budget cuts, and we need to have tighter control over our hours. Through the pandemic until now, I’ve been able to give my team some flexibility with their hours; half of us have children to pick up in the evenings. Now I have to take that flexibility away, which is not going to go well at all, and I may end up losing more staff. I have done just about all of the change-management I can do. I feel like an old laptop battery: even after a full charge (i.e. a good night’s sleep), I am still operating at 50% capacity. In short, I’m burned out, I don’t feel that I’m doing my best work, and so I am starting to look for other opportunities

This is kind of a bummer update. But maybe I’ll have a more positive update to the update in another 6 months or so!

2. How do I avoid being the go-to person for questions from our new people? (#3 at the link)

Thanks for answering my (relatively boring) question! A lot of helpful debate in comments, and I couldn’t exactly take your specific advice because the new team members don’t have a specific manager, but are “managed” by senior leadership on whatever case they are staffed on. But I did get better at telling them that I couldn’t help right now, or asking “what have you tried so far?”. That one came from the comments! Sometimes they had to figure it out for themselves, or sometimes they went to other team members with more management responsibilities first. It ended up going fine, especially as this coincided with more people gradually being in the physical office once a week or so.

One thing to note is most of them were MUCH cooler to me after I tried this a few times, to a point where it felt like they were resentful. Most are fresh out of college, so I think some are still learning professionalism – there have been other issues there (to say the least). But anyways, thank you for your response and the comment section’s helpfulness.

3. My coworker reported a colleague for injuring a client, but it wasn’t true

The day my letter was published, a couple days after everything went down, Jane announced she was retiring at the end of the week. As many commenters suspected, we do provide in-home health care. No wrongdoing was found on Anna’s part. The training I mentioned is just standard practice in our industry if there’s a complaint. Everything settled down immediately after Jane’s sudden departure. Thanks for the extra perspectives.

4. Llamas (#6 at the link)

I first wrote in to tell you about the llama zoom I organized for my student employees (#6 here). I can confidently say that in the year and a half since that fun day, my life continues to be substantially improved by the llamas and our local entrepreneurial llama farmer.

Right around that llama zoom, outdoor activities in our state started to open up. Inspired by my social media posts, several groups of friends and co-workers (both local and around the country) arranged to visit the llamas at the farm and/or zoom them into meetings. I’ll totally take credit for introducing something joyful and a little silly in the midst of, well, the dumpster fire of 2020 …. (BTW, several commenters noted it was bad optics to be paying for such entertainment while other employees were being laid off. This was an excellent point; I was relieved to learn that this awesome farm does educational visits for no fee. The llamas actually visit schools and nursing homes throughout the year! I did choose to personally donate to the farm to acknowledge the time they spent with us, but that was not a required expense.)

A few months later, I finally had the chance to meet a llama in person when a birthday surprise showed up at my house; here is a photo of a festively-dressed Earl on my front porch. My neighbors and I were all shocked to discover Earl and his llama buddies travel in a MINIVAN, which they gracefully hop in and out of, and our dogs did not know how to feel about this giant strange creature. No birthday will ever top this.

The summer of 2021 brought more in-person llama fun and I managed to drag multiple friends and co-workers to LLAMA YOGA at the farm. In case you have ever wondered, it’s way more sanitary and less stressful than goat yoga – no need to worry about stepping in random poop (see: llama have communal poop piles that are out of the way, like litter boxes). As much as I enjoy yoga, these sessions were really about interacting with the llamas and getting great selfies. Between the breath work and these goofy and friendly animals, we always left feeling refreshed! Here are Sully and Poet checking out our yoga mats.

Once I’d memorized the names of the full herd of llamas (10 at that time), thus obtaining my VIP status, I had to kick it up a notch. The farm has an adorable vacation rental house on the property so *of course* it was the natural next step to host a holiday meal for 10 at the farm… Thus, Llama (Passover) Seder and later, Llama Rosh Hashana, came to be. The main attractions aka the very curious llamas come by the backyard to see what the guests are up to, so everyone got to meet them. Even the skeptics (not that there were any… many…) were won over by these silly, friendly creatures who enjoy nose-to-nose greetings.

And finally, the pinnacle of pinnacles – I started a new job on campus earlier in the year, which is a whole separate update, and I got to host the LLAMAS (REAL ONES!) at an on-campus event for my job. To clarify, this job (while incredibly awesome) does not involve animals, cameloid species, or anything remotely relevant to llamas … When I first proposed this to my supervisor, he said “well, that’s a novel idea…” but I was luckily able to get him to see the light and it was a hit! We had over 200 students in line to meet the llamas and take selfies, including several who heard about it from their instructor and came 30 minutes early because they were *not* missing this. Oh yeah, and we got to share information about our project, which I’m pretty sure none of those students will ever forget! Here is Earl again, with his campus-appropriate graduation outfit.

So, there you have it, the llama update, which is probably a lot longer than you expected. Bottom line – they are a joy, farmers are amazing, and you should get out there & support your local small business! Thank you again for all the wise insights, great advice, and all the laughs that your site provides every single day. I’d be lost without it!

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

Remember the letter-writer whose lovely but bumbling boss was driving them crazy? Here’s the update.

My update is not quite the one anyone may be wanting or expecting, but on the whole I would say it’s a very positive one.

First of all, I want to say that the comments were immensely helpful, and I learned a lot from them. Some of the advice was game-changing. My heartfelt gratitude goes out to the AAM community.

To cut a long story short, a couple of months after writing in, I experienced a serious and frightening health crisis – serious enough to have me cleaning out my closets and drawing up papers. It was not the time to think about looking for a new job, or anything at all really except recovering my health.

On the work front, Ms. Bedelia was magnificent. It’s no exaggeration to say that I couldn’t have gotten through the days without her calm and unstinting support. The two of us drew a lot closer as a result.

While I was down and out for the count, I had a lot of time to ponder things, and to sift through the stuff that really matters to me. I decided that I loved my job, and didn’t want to leave. I decided to choose my battles more wisely in the future. I also realized that it took only seconds out of my working day to do a little course correction, such as teaching Ms. B that the keys always go here, your ticket always goes there, now just keep at it until it becomes a reflex action. It took some time, and it’s not a perfect system but I would say that this simple method alone has dramatically reduced the incidence of lost or misplaced items (although I have to admit that I’m astonished that an intelligent adult never learned the concept of ‘everything in its place’ because I had that one drummed into me in childhood!).

I also fully accepted that she is not going to change, and it’s a load off me. I have developed far more compassion and admiration for her. I’ve seen how crestfallen she looks when she realizes that she has messed up. She disappoints herself numerous times a day, yet she still gets up in the morning and braves the world. That takes a lot of courage.

She’s grateful for my help, and she’s gracious enough not to abuse the privilege. I’m still sticking to my boundaries.

Case in point: after the staff Halloween party she forgot to remove her bunny girl ears, and I ‘forgot’ to mention it (not my problem, after all). Apparently she didn’t notice until she got home!

Thanks again, everybody.

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are four updates from past letter-writers.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

1. My coworker told me he’s hiding a terminal illness

I stand by my original response on Jan 24th – I was so amazed at the reactions from your community of readers. Some made me laugh, some gave me perspective, most made me feel relieved for just getting the experience off my chest and having others reflect it back to me.

One response really stuck with me and that was a very, very strong reaction saying something to the effect of “how dare you judge what someone with cancer looks like.” To be fair, I stand by the fact that people close to me have fought cancer…I have some data points to know what fighting cancer can and does look like up close. However, that person’s response was such a good dose of perspective for me…it actually completely changed how I viewed my colleague. How DID I know? All I had was his word. Was the timing in terms of sharing the news difficult for me (weeks before the birth of my first child…)…yes. But after reading your community’s responses, I stepped away feeling more like I can choose how I want to respond here and I actually decided that I didn’t want to judge what I “thought” my colleague should look like or how I thought he should behave. I just wanted him to be well (and he said/continues to say he is) and for it NOT to impact our working relationship, as he requested.

So your community’s advice was extremely helpful in freeing me from the “OMG-ness” of working with a colleague who has a medical condition they don’t want to share. My role isn’t to judge or tell him what to do, but rather accept how he wants to handle it and support him.

I also want to share a book I read this year that I think reinforced that one person’s response. I May Be Wrong by Bjorn Natthiko Lindeblad is a monk’s reflection on the best advice he ever received: in essence, have the ability to step back from a situation, a conversation, a reaction and say “I may be wrong” three times. It is SO freeing. So freeing. While your community member delivered that message with a bit of zing, I think that’s really what they were trying to say … and they were right (… I MAY be wrong!).

Thank you for creating a space for people to safely navigate the wild and crazy world of professional relationships. You do an amazing job and while I hope I don’t have to turn to you again any time soon, I’m glad to know there is somewhere to go!

2. I’m drowning in work and don’t know if my expectations are unreasonable

In short: I recently quit, and went back to my old job!

I continued on months after sending in my message wanting to stick it out. Things got better because I learned the work dynamics more, but it was still a mess.

However, the last straw for me was when they hired two new people in our department. No discussion with me if I was higher in seniority to them, or if they would help with the work load. But I got the strong impression I would be on-boarding on top of my current workload and any new additional projects they might add. More work, no credit and definitely no more pay. That’s exactly what would have happened had I not quit within the first week of the new hires.

Fortunately enough my previous employer reached out asking if I would be interested in coming back. The pay was almost the same, better benefits, WFH, and way less stress.

When I told my old employer I’d received an offer I asked if they would like to try and retain me. I provided a list of what I’d need to stay, I made my demands high because that’s what it would have taken to keep me. Instead of simply saying they couldn’t meet my wants. They essentially sat me down and walked me line by line that I did not deserve what I was asking for on the list or deflected blame. One specifically I brought up time off in lieu of working weekends again – I’d been dismissed in my first discussion with them. In this final meeting they said “sorry if you misunderstood we could have done that.” Another was working hybrid, I got a solid no despite some other team members being fully WFH already? And the cherry on top, they added they would need to see “certain types of performance” to provide me to increase salary. I pressed on what type of performance since we had no performance structure, and was essentially told they didn’t have one and didn’t plan to put one in. A never ending cycle of more work but no performance structure for me to leverage.

It was a toxic work environment. I’m sad it didn’t work out because I loved the work I got to do, but am so much happier now.

All in all. The workload might have became more manageable due to my effort, but lack of value and respect is what drove me out.

Thank you for the advice!

3. I can’t afford to go to an event recognizing my work (#3 at the link)

A rather downbeat update on this one I’m afraid- no one in my management structure was ever able to confirm that I would be able to claim expenses to attend the gala, so I didn’t go. It was last weekend and I’ve just seen the photographs from the event- my team did end up winning a prestigious award for work I’d had a big hand in, and as predicted everyone was in black tie formal wear. I’m kicking myself a bit for not just eating the cost as I can see that lots of influential people attended that I would have loved to make contact with.

Please tell your readers how much I appreciated their support. One reader commented that it was like they were all my fairy godmothers trying to get me to the ball, and I really felt that! Also big thanks to everyone who had suggestions about where plus size people can find formal wear- there were some great resources shared in the comments!

4. What do I owe my boss after grad school? (#3 at the link)

I wrote back in May 2021 about how long I should stay in a role that I didn’t love after completing my grad degree. I thought my boss was amazing but didn’t love the work itself. My question was pretty inconsequential, but I like updates, so I figured I would send mine along.

Almost a year after I wrote into you, I accepted a new job! It’s much more closely related to my ideal career and is a great stepping stone for where I’m hoping to go next. There was an enormous learning curve, but I find my work so fulfilling, interesting, and like I’m getting to do my part to make the world a better place. My new bosses are also huge advocates for my coworkers and me, and we are treated like the experts we are. I feel like lightning struck twice for me with good bosses!

As for my former boss, as expected she handled my resignation incredibly well. She made it clear that I would be missed, but she was excited for me to start a new adventure. The best part is, she is now at a new job herself! As much as she liked our current institution, something too good to pass up fell into her lap and she’s moving to a new place with a higher title. She’s encouraged me to stay connected and made it clear she will always happily be a reference for me. I was and still am incredibly grateful I got such a good introduction into the working world. She’s genuinely an amazing boss!

Thank you for all the amazing advice you give! It has been so helpful as someone still new in my career!

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past.

Earlier this week I published an update from the letter-writer whose boss was rude to her husband. Now there’s more!

I wanted to add a postscript: I got another job! After I wrote to you with my update, I decided I was *just* furious enough to quit without another job offer in my pocket. To the abject horror of my parents, I did just that. I was of course very nervous about going voluntarily unemployed at the beginning of a recession, but I’m so, so pleased to report that – thanks in no small part to your job application advice – I’ve been offered another job! It’s fewer hours, more money, more benefits and (to the relief of my formerly horrified parents), much more prestige.

The offer came through on the penultimate day of my notice period, which was very sweet indeed. During that whole notice month my boss noticeably ignored me, which was an improvement. On my last day he then handed me a card with a poem (!) inside it, and said, I kid you not, “Don’t tell your hubby.” I gave what I hope was a bollock-shrivelling laugh and said of course I would tell my husband; we share everything. Boss then squeezed my shoulder and said, “I’ll miss you” in an embarrassingly heartfelt voice. Yikes.

I did, of course, show my husband the card. I then took great pleasure from deleting my former boss from my phone, thoughts and life.

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past.

Remember the letter-writer who was afraid her CEO would suck her back in when she tried to resign? Here’s the update.

I ended up getting a job offer from the competitor, but turned it down. They seemed just as hectic and missing work/life balance like the current job, so I figured I’d stay with the dysfunction I knew rather than throwing myself into new dysfunction. The competitor also wasn’t going to offer a salary to make the new dysfunction worth it.

At the end of August I was contacted by a former colleague, “Dave,” and was asked if I was interested in a position at the new company he was working at. I went for an interview, and then was given an offer that would involve a much shorter commute, and 33% salary increase. It seemed like a good match for my skills and good group of people. The new company is in the same industry but not the exact angle as the old one (think teapot painting vs teapot molding) so I’ll get to learn something new. I got an official offer letter on Tuesday, and decided to accept and tell the current job I was resigning at the end of the week.

I was working out of a field office, and on Wednesday morning I was asked to come into the main office that afternoon to meet with my manager about an upcoming project. Since I wasn’t intending to stay for the upcoming project, and I would be face to face with my manager, Wednesday quickly turned into the day to tell the news! I reread your advice, drove the hour to the main office, prepped in the car, and headed in to my meeting. I decided before going in that I didn’t want to be talked into staying. I told my manager “Matt” that I was resigning, and he was surprised. Matt asked me where I was going, and what they were offering me – I told him, figuring I knew I wasn’t staying but maybe it would help them with some market research and push them to better compensate my soon-to-be-former coworkers. He asked why I was leaving, and told him that I appreciated working with him and I learned a lot, but the 1 hr+ commute was getting to me and it was time for me to expand my horizons. Matt kept asking variations on “well what if we made you a higher counter-offer?”, but tellingly never addressed the commute, work/life balance, etc. I kept answering with that I had already made a decision that was best for me, and I’d accepted the new offer but will work hard to transition in the next two weeks. My manager Matt called the CEO “Mike” into his office, and we had the same conversation again. Mike the CEO did eventually end it by telling Matt to stop with the what-ifs, and wished me luck going forward. And that I thought was that.

The first week of my notice period, my manager Matt asked me to continue to work on the upcoming project without someone to transition it to, rather than wrapping up a project that I was working on that was ending. That didn’t make sense to me, and I discussed that with Matt, but hey, I’m not the boss.

Then at the end of the week, the CEO Mike asked to take me out to breakfast and billed it as an exit interview. I couldn’t really say no. We got to the restaurant, and Mike starts launching in about why I should stay! He told me realized they made a mistake, they were going to change this, that, and the other thing, he had a whole 5 year plan to make everything better, and on and on. Mike said that he had asked me to keep working on the upcoming project during my notice period because he was so sure he could convince me to stay! Based on how previous promises were not fulfilled, I didn’t really believe what he was promising now. He told me “this family is like a company and I’m just trying to look out for what’s best for you,” which we all know is a great sign. He was also trying to convince me that it really was no big deal if I turned down the new offer after already accepting and setting a start date. I had no intention of changing my mind and staying, but I listened politely and told Mike I’d think over what he said. When I got back to the office, I discussed what happened at breakfast with a coworker who had worked with Mike for a long time. She suggested that I wait until Monday to tell Mike that no, I’m really leaving, so that it looked like I “thought hard about it over the weekend” so to save face a bit for him.

So Monday morning, I went and talked to Mike, and told him again that I was really leaving. He seemed to accept it this time, and again wished me luck. And this time I really thought that was that …. BUT!

Monday afternoon we held a retirement party at a restaurant for a long time coworker. Dave, the former coworker who recruited me to the new company, was invited. I noticed Dave walk in to the party, and walk out not that long after, but I didn’t really think about it. Dave called me later that afternoon to tell me what happened. Dave walked into the party, and Mike made a beeline to him. Without any small talk, and in front of a bunch of people, Mike berated Dave about “how could you steal [me, the letter writer] away!” and how horrible he was. Dave got himself out of that conversation, and decided he wasn’t going to stay at the party to be talked to like that and left (and I don’t blame him!). Dave had still been doing a lot of favors for Mike and others at the old job, and now is less willing. So turns out I’m not really the one who has to worry about burning bridges….

I’ve been at the new company for about a month now. I’m still working on learning the ropes, but I’ve gotten good feedback so far and think I’ll get the hang of it! It was a lot of drama, but I made the right choice.

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

Remember the letter-writer whose ex-boss wanted her to pay a phone bill for months she didn’t work there? Here’s the update.

It’s hard to believe it’s been nearly eight months since I wrote that letter. And what an eight months it has been – especially for the ex-boss!

Fortunately, blocking her seemed to do the trick, and I haven’t heard another word about her insane request for me to pay two months of HER cell phone bill. Of course, I have blocked her everywhere imaginable, but I also assume someone finally convinced her she had no leg to stand on. But I also found out that MONEY (or lack thereof) may have been the reason she was pushing me to pay the bill.

I decided to reach out to the two former employees that I mentioned had left to start their own business right before I was hired. And boy, did I get a LOT of info. We had shockingly similar stories about the level of crazy with the ex-boss, and that was helpful to me in recovering from the toxicity and guilt about what happened after I left (and yes, I did seek therapy about it!) I know a lot of people thought I was nuts for staying for two years, but these two guys? One was there for ten years and the other for 12!!

Most interestingly, I found out they had offered to buy the business from her when they left. They offered her a very fair price, and the clients would have transferred to their new company (given they were doing all the work for them anyway, it made total sense). The ex-boss was pushing 65, so it was reasonable she might want to retire. Per her usual MO, she reacted with emotion instead of thinking it through, got completely offended and fired them on the spot. Within a few hours, she re-hired them knowing she needed them to stay out their final weeks so she could get her act together (which included hiring me). When they eventually left, three clients decided to go with them to their new business. Over the course of the two years I worked there, two more got fed up and left for their company as well. They then had five of the original client list.

Fast forward to a month after I quit. What I was sure would happen had happened. On the day I left, the company still had 12 clients. Just four weeks later, they were down to THREE. Two of the 12 left as soon as they heard I had quit. Six more left within a month and went to the company of the two former employees – the same employees who had tried to buy her out. The ex-boss could have been paid and retired peacefully. Instead, she let her pride prevail, and two years later, she had lost 11 clients to their company anyway – and they didn’t have to pay her a dime. She’s apparently had to get temp jobs because she isn’t making enough to live on with just three clients. It’s honestly sad.

The only thing I’ve heard from her (sort of?) was about a month ago. She mailed our company a box of cookies with a note wishing us “well in your future endeavors.” First of all, WEIRD given there’s no longer any association between our two companies, but even MORE weird – our employees work remotely, and she knows that. How was it supposed to work with this box of cookies? Were we supposed to mail each employee a cookie? My boss ended up giving them to her partner. A couple of weeks later, ex-boss texted my boss to ask if she had gotten the cookies. Since my boss didn’t immediately text to GUSH with appreciation over a random box of cookies, ex-boss apparently assumed I hadn’t let anyone know they were received (because I’m a terrible person).

There are truly hundreds of crazy stories I need to write down from my time there. I once mentioned I’d never been to New York. Ex-boss suddenly decided we were going TOGETHER for a weekend (at the height of the pandemic, might I add), that she was paying for it and we would be staying with some friend of hers that I didn’t even know. I declined the offer (multiple times). She said she understood but called me a week later to rant how upset and hurt she was that “you don’t want to go to New York with me!!!” Or the time I went to her house to help her fix a computer issue – while she stayed in her bedroom napping!

BUT! I made it out alive! My hair is growing back. I am beyond happy at my new company, love my boss and co-workers and even got a promotion that starts in January! And without that crazy job, I never would have met my current boss. So at least there’s a silver lining!