Ask a Manager

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

Remember the letter-writer who was dating her boss and wanted to fix his conflict with another employee? (Her boss, Sam, was feuding with an employee, Doug, after an issue with Doug’s paycheck.) Here’s the update.

Firstly, I think after reading the comments on my letter I definitely made an error in how I characterized the check that was sent to Doug. When I said “bounced” I was trying to convey that Sam had sent it, it was never cashed, and it was mailed back to us. It didn’t fail to clear on our end. Doug moved (he was living with his parents) and did not update his address with us because he said it was fine if checks still went to his family’s house. It was obviously not fine, and the check boomeranged back to us.

So, that being cleared up: Sam and Doug obviously didn’t want to talk to each other. Doug said he was done discussing the issue but I appealed to him to at least meet with me. I spoke to both of them separately and then we had a meeting together.

Everyone got a chance to say their piece and everyone apologized for their part. Sam acknowledged that our personal relationship caused him to react unprofessionally when he read Doug’s rude email to me. Doug agreed that his own email was completely out of line. He explained that he had been awake for 3 days and nights (unrelated to this issue) and so had written a more scathing response to my request than was warranted. When asked why he never brought the missing check up, Doug says he would always forget about it when we were all in person, and only remember it later. Sam said the same, and acknowledged that he needs a better system for handling Doug’s checks (more on that later) and both of them stopped accusing the other person of manipulation. Everything personally is resolved, the three of us still work together, and it’s going really well. EXCEPT!

The only thing that still isn’t going well is the payment process for … just Doug. See, everyone else in the group now has electronic payments set up. The day of any gig, Sam just pays them all using an app on his phone. People also get paid for rehearsals, which is done in a lump sum at the end of every month. Doug doesn’t want to be on Zelle (or any other electronic system) so that’s why he gets a check. He says he doesn’t mind that he has to wait for Sam to cut a check and for it to be mailed out. Honestly, Sam hates it and I understand why. It’s harder to remember to do this for just one person, but it’s Doug’s preference and Sam actually does like Doug a lot and wants to accommodate him so he just sets reminders for himself to do it. I think a better system needs to be set in place before another horrible mix-up occurs, but no one involved can think of one. But hopefully everyone will check themselves before they send nasty messages about it.

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past.

Remember the letter-writer whose ambitious, driven self was gone and they didn’t feel like working anymore? Here’s the update.

I wrote in April 2022 about what to do when you lose all interest in having a career. I felt like an alien had bodysnatched my former ambitious self and was, frankly, at a loss what to do about it. Instead of being motivated and hardworking, all I wanted was to slow down and take some time off.

First of all: I turned down the job I didn’t want – and it felt very, very right. I expected it to feel scary and to regret it later on, but that didn’t happen. Instead, I felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders.

A bit of background: My work situation was probably part of a bigger picture (isn’t it always?). I had a pretty bad living situation, and I come from a background without any role models in handling career and work/life balance. The result was that I knew no other option than working myself into the ground, terrified all the time of not doing enough or missing any opportunities. And I simply didn’t want to do that anymore.

I expected a lot of advice from the readers about How To Pull Up My Pants And Get Myself A Proper Job – probably because that was what I was telling myself I ought to do. Instead, I got a unanimous “If you have the opportunity, take some time off.”

I must admit I was a bit shocked about how much people agreed; apparently, I have some very ingrained ideas about the “right” way of doing life (spoiler: It’s the hard way).

So, I took the advice. A couple of months later I was standing on top of a volcano on a small tropical island, feeling more alive than I remember feeling in years (traveling is very much my happy place). I also got to take a family member on their dream vacation, which was almost better. It was an immense privilege, and I’m so grateful that I was able to do it.

I still feel a bit guilty about this last year. I only took on the most interesting jobs and bowed out of a couple of job interviews simply because the jobs didn’t seem ideal. It hasn’t been great for my finances, but nothing I can’t handle due to all those years of saying yes to each and every job offer I got. Interestingly enough, I got very good feedback on the work I actually did, and got some amazing new opportunities. It turns out that you do great work when you aren’t exhausted all the time.

I’m writing this from my amazing new apartment (which has both hot water and a view to die for – one of those things is not like the other, I know). I’m able to care for my physical health as well since I actually have time to exercise, and I have a very interesting work project coming up. Careerwise, I intend to continue my freelance work until the right job comes by – hopefully during the next year or so. Most of all, though, I’m practicing making imperfect decisions. Doing things “right” turned out to be wrong for me.

I probably still have some work to do about the way I view myself and my working life. I’ve had to rewrite this update several times, simply because I feel guilty about actually enjoying life and not working 60 hours a week. It’s a work in progress – and I’m okay with that. Also a little guilty, but mostly okay. So thank you so much to all of the kind readers taking time out of their busy lives to comment on my situation. I read each and every comment, and they were so very, very helpful. Never underestimate the impact of kind and thoughtful words on your fellow human beings.

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past.

Remember the letter-writer whose bosses wanted their remote team to work out together three times a week? Here’s the update.

After your response to my letter and seeing all the thoughtful comments (which I quickly found I couldn’t keep up with) I decided to keep an eye on the situation and continue to not participate. I had a conversation with the other coworker who had a problem with the exercise as well and I told her that I would not be attending and that I would have her back if anyone gave her a hard time about not attending. I explained to her that she has rights under the ADA and that I would go to bat for her if she didn’t want to attend and got any pushback. I thought that was that.

In our next KPI meeting they created an entire program so we could get to know members of our team who we did not otherwise have the opportunity to work with.They separated our team of 20 into 4 groups and then we were given a list of things we could do to earn points. The group with the most points at the end of the quarter wins a prize. At the top of that list was attending the workout, and at the bottom of the list it was specified that “all group members must attend an event for the group to get the point.

I immediately expressed my disgust, and my lead came to speak to me within the hour. I expressed to her how uncomfortable the situation made me and explained to her the issues we were already experiencing with being pressured to participate. I laid out how now, if someone chooses not to participate, they are letting their group down and preventing them from getting points.

I was less than thrilled with her response. Her first suggestion was that I attend and not participate, which I immediately shut down as discriminatory. I laid out the list for her: what if someone has an eating disorder, exercise anxiety, trauma, a physical disability or just doesn’t want to be exposed to diet culture in the workplace? What she basically implied was that the leads know their team members well and that if someone had an issue that prevented them from participating that they would already know about it. We basically ended that conversation with her telling me that I did not need to participate, it was optional, and they agreed to alter the team building guidelines so that if any members attend the workout then the group gets a point.

I also went to HR and documented the situation so they were aware that a posible ADA violation could result from this program. The HR rep was great, she asked all the right questions, and at the end she laid out my options for having the circumstances addressed. I decided that I didn’t want anything addressed at this time but I wanted a record of the situation so that if it escalated there would be no question of why it wasn’t brought up sooner. I was still new to the team and was worried about damaging my standing within the ranks, but if someone else on the team was upset and wanted to make a report at least there would be a someone else’s story on the record to back them up.

This was all in July. The workouts are still happening three times a week, but no one has said a word to me about not attending. I was worried that my dissent would cause issues with my grand boss, but she has given me more responsibility and my performance reviews are all positive. In September the company laid off about 10% of the workforce, including my lead.

My new lead basically leaves me alone and I have had zero questions about the workout. The group bonding exercise needed to be altered because people were spending so much time collecting points that they weren’t getting their work done, and while we’ve changed groups several times not one member of the team has questioned me or pressured me to attend, and several have expressed how stupid they find the workouts in general.

So all in all I am holding tight and standing my ground. I still find the situation irritating but getting your response and all the comments was very validating and helped me recognize that I wasn’t overreacting.

Remember the letter-writer whose company decided, six months into the pandemic, that people should be “used to” working from home by then and would be required to “eliminate distractions” (pets and family members) and follow a strict dress code on video calls? Here’s the update (previous updates here and here).

I’m still with the company, but a number of things have changed since my last update. In January, a lot of things happened all at once. There was, of course, a mass exodus of employees. Once they started seeing multiple resignations a week, my boss (one of the few VPs who stayed, who is also a single parent) decided that the teams they oversee would only be going back to the office one day a week, period. I have no idea what their conversation was like with the CEO, but we have been in the office one day a week since. Also in January, I was injured in a ski accident, which paused my job search (I’m fully recovered now). For all its faults, my company has great health insurance and generous sick leave, so I was able to take off all the time I needed to recover and go to my various follow up appointments. I also started traveling more (for both work and pleasure) for the first time since Covid and that really helped my mental health.

I thought I would be updating you with a laundry list of ridiculous things that have happened over the past year (and believe me, there have been a LOT of ridiculous things going on), but once it was settled that we were going back only one day a week, I completely disengaged from any office drama. There were committees I could have served on and meetings I could have gone to about “improving company culture”, which so far have made no measurable impact, but I realized that, while a lot of crazy things were being said and done, they weren’t really affecting me or my staff. It was clear that the company wasn’t going to change significantly, but there was nothing targeting my department specifically. In fact, we kind of flew under the radar, probably because we are a small team of high performers. I consider myself a people-first manager, and I wanted to keep my team together if possible, so I focused my energy on…managing. And I learned about a bunch of benefits of working at this company that I hadn’t been taking advantage of, so I decided to maximize every. single. one.

I started taking my team out for lunch periodically after learning we have a yearly budget for staff lunches (I think it’s meant to be used for having lunch meetings, but I just take them to restaurants and talk about non-work related things). I maxed out my professional development budget taking classes that have helped me both as a manager and personally, and worked with my staff to help them find professional development opportunities to take advantage of too. I used all of my vacation time this year and made a plan to use it all next year (I highly recommend this, by the way, especially if you’re a manager or someone who feels like they’re always too busy to take time off). I encouraged my team to use their vacation time and tried to make it as easy as possible to do so (one day I decided to just close our department because everyone had requested a vacation day). I promoted my highest performer into a new role and gave them a decent raise. Recently, I spent all of our department’s remaining yearly office supply budget outfitting my team with ergonomic workspaces. I’ve taken periodic mental health days/partial days and have encouraged my staff to take time off for their health whenever they need it.

I’m currently the only manager who has had no staff turnover in 2022.

I have to give a lot of thanks to my boss for whatever they did to allow us to only have to come into the office one day a week. It doesn’t seem to me like the issue was really about the number of days in the office, but about staff feeling valued and respected. While my boss doesn’t have control over everything dysfunctional in the company, they have really tried to make it as positive a work environment as possible on their teams, and I do feel like they really value and respect me. I will likely leave the company in the next year or two to move closer to family (sooner if my boss leaves), but as long as things keep going as they have been, I feel good about staying a bit longer than originally planned.

Update to the update:

One more update: our company announced a decent cost of living raise for all staff about a month ago, and I just heard today that they are backtracking on it. Any raises will now be merit-based only and capped at 3% – while inflation in our area has been over 12% this year. The reasoning for this was that the org wanted to make a large political donation and didn’t have the funds for it – so they are taking it from our promised raises. I think I will start my job hunt again.

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

Remember the letter-writer whose coworker was throwing a tantrum over having to interview for a promotion? Here’s the update.

Since I wrote that email, things changed quickly. We had an unexpected resignation which meant that there were actually two positions to fill instead of just the one position that Nate and Sophie were vying for. There were a few more candidates interested, all internal, including some that had missed the last round due to maternity leave. Nate was quietly told (by me and by his line manager) that this was not making him look good, and that he’d done some amazing things in the previous 12 months which wouldn’t be considered if he insisted on not interviewing for the position. In the end, he saw how it was coming across and backed down. Both he and Sophie were successful and ended up joining the management team.

However, the root of the problem, as many people rightly pointed out, was Sterling.

Sterling talks a big game but then fails to carry through on a lot, or pushes it down to his underlings to get things actually done. He has no issue with taking the credit though. The comments made me sit back and take stock and I really noticed that this was a major trend. He was more concerned with unsuccessful candidates leaving the company than actually carrying through on his word. I took this to my director along with a few other people and the feedback was carried up the chain. In the end, he did actually start mentoring people. Neither Sophie or Nate actually benefitted from it, but a few others did.

Both Nate and Sophie were appointed peer mentors who ended up teaching them everything they needed to know, and they ended up being very good managers. Nate was a little more letter-of-the-law, and by the book, but he relaxed into the role and is now a very good manager. Sophie settled in right away and took over the team that she used to be part of.

I actually ended up resigning about a year ago, and am now with a new company. Listening to the comments, and watching for the red flags around Sterling, let me come to the conclusion that 50% of my time was to sit in meetings with Sterling and tell him when his “wonderful” ideas were completely unachievable. The other 50% of my time was to deliver on the promises that he made. I had no time to actually manage my team or do my day-to-day job, meaning I had to work longer and longer hours to try to fit everything in. I ended up suffering from fairly serious burnout. When I raised it with my manager and we tried to look at what could be taken off my place, there was nothing that we were allowed to move.

I ended up resigning about a year ago. Sterling then tried to block my resignation and made me speak to the CEO and the COO before he’d actually consider it — which is absolutely ridiculous for someone who is a mid-level manager in an organization of 1000+ people. I used all the lessons from Ask A Manager and was wonderfully polite when I told him that a resignation was basically a one-party document and didn’t require him to accept it. I had submitted it to my line manager and to HR and HR had acknowledged it. It was already in motion. I had a job offer from another company in hand, one that I wanted to work with. He asked me to turn it down and stay another 6 months and give him a chance to work on the culture of the company and my workload. He counter offered and begged, but in the end I put my mental health ahead of staying in what had become a very toxic environment. It took me a full month for them to actually give me my final date (UK based, with 3 months notice). They ended up making me work to my very last day and then had me complete a three month non-compete. I took all three of those months to recover and detox from that job.

From speaking to some friends still there, apparently Sterling’s reputation took a bit of a hit once I left because there was no one else to step into my role, and he went back to non-delivering on his tasks. I have to admit, that makes me laugh just a little. I am so much happier in my new role — which was technically a step back career wise, but it still pays 50% more than my old role. I get to focus on the fun parts of the job that I love doing, and can avoid all of the drama and politics.

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past.

Remember the letter-writer whose boss was keeping marijuana plants in the office? Here’s the update.

I want to thank you for your advice and support. I’ve posted some context and details in the comment section of the original post, but I thought you all deserved an update.

My boss and I had a sit-down conversation when she came into work just after the post was published. I explained in no uncertain terms how unsettled I was by having an illegal plant in my office and how it scared me to think that either of us could get in trouble if the wrong person happened to notice at the wrong time. As many commenters predicted, she brushed me off again. There were a variety of excuses from “They need a warrant” to “We’re technically not within city limits” to “It’s not for distribution,” but one thing became clear. Cannabis is going to be grown in the office.

Now, one moment of joy I mentioned in a comment is that her husband’s cats tore up her plants. Thank you for your brave actions, S&S. You are the greatest cats in the world (They’re fine. Either didn’t have much or just needed a rest day, I guess). Unfortunately this was counter-balanced by my boss producing a small tin, which she proudly proclaimed was full of marijuana seeds. Even as I tried to discourage her, she planted a few into her hydroponics garden and I was left dumbfounded while she put the tin away and told me where it and other supplies were so I could plant some myself when I was done with my other work, and how to work the hydroponics garden. Needless to say, I am not doing that. Knowing is bad enough, getting involved is near suicidal.

As several people advised, I am looking for other work in addition to picking up the pace of my schooling so I can get to a better job soon. I’m contemplating talking to my dad’s lawyer, who’s a cool guy and who I know won’t judge. I’ve also talked with my family since then to update them on the situation. Some of the best news is that my mom’s job is moving her to full-time soon, so we won’t be so dependent on my income. I don’t think I realized until now how not-okay my situation is. I’ll be stuck here a while yet, but so long as I can discreetly pluck most of the seeds out of the planter and keep my head down, I should be able to last. It’s not great right now, but we’re getting there.