Ask a Manager

should I ask a staff member why he’s not going to our holiday dinner?

by Alison Green on December 13, 2022

A reader writes:

I need your help on a tricky holiday party situation. I recently sent out invitations to our 20-person staff for a three-course holiday dinner. I first verbally surveyed our staff to make sure the restaurant choice wasn’t going to exclude anyone. I received much excitement and no negativity.

Now that RSVP’s are due, one staff member is saying he isn’t going to go. This staff member is our most quiet, shy developers, and I want him to feel included in our staff holiday celebrations. What do I do here? Should I ask him if he is not coming due to the restaurant choice? Should I leave it be? Should I change where we are going?

I answer this question — and four others — over at Inc. today, where I’m revisiting letters that have been buried in the archives here from years ago (and sometimes updating/expanding my answers to them). You can read it here.

Other questions I’m answering there today include:

Employee wants to return a company raffle gift
Giving a gift to my direct report but no one else
How do I downscale our holiday celebration?
Is our Secret Santa too expensive?

update: a dispute about customer skills is tearing apart my agrotourism business

by Alison Green on December 13, 2022

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past.

Remember the letter-writer where a dispute about customer skills was tearing apart their agrotourism business? Here’s the update.

Things got better, worse, then better again, and all during our busiest months. I owe huge thanks to you and the commentors for the advice. I apologized to Amy; she accepted my apology and resumed her usual banter. I also used Alison’s orchestra analogy and other suggestions to explain to Jenn and John that Amy’s style was simply a part of our business. John seemed to take this to heart, but Jenn just grew silent and withdrew even more from guest interaction.

Unfortunately, one night while I was recovering from COVID, the guests were clamoring to meet the chef, and Jenn was coaxed to join them for dessert. Amy told a story and Jenn just snapped, saying, “Amy, when will you stop telling that (expletive) blueberry story? We’ve all heard it one thousand times before!” Apparently, there was dead silence until one of the guests pointed out that they had not heard the story before and that they were all enjoying the blueberries. Jenn stormed off, and Alice called me to tell me what happened. Thankfully, it was the penultimate day of the guest cycle, but we still had to make up for the drama with gifts and discounts. I immediately suspended Jenn from any guest interaction, but because we had no replacement, she remained in the kitchen until the end of the season.

The day after that incident, I contacted a business life coach who also happened to have a background in family therapy. She agreed to consult at short notice, and we had several difficult sessions with all five of us. What emerged was that Jenn considers this company her family to the point that she could not wrap her head around the repeating stories as being anything but rude. She compared it to her father (who was in sales) repeating tales that the family had heard many times before to people he’d just met. She was adamant that that any “real creative” could figure out how to utilize new dialog, and explained that hearing the same things said the same way over and over made her feel “disrespected and invisible” because it felt as if Amy were only thinking of herself and not her coworkers. No one should have to hear the same things repeatedly. Amy, Alice, and I disagreed, but most interestingly, John (Jenn’s husband) took no sides. Our business life coach reported that she felt Jenn was far too emotionally invested in the situation and, to our surprise, Jenn agreed. Although she is still a part owner on the company, Jenn offered to step down as executive chef. She finished out the season without guest interaction and will take some time during our closed period to do some personal work and decide her next move. It was a sad decision for all, but we’re slowly working back toward a positive relationship.

P.S. It seems several persons involved read this column. Amy was particularly amused by the comments because she worked at Disneyland during college and, yes, actually skippered the Jungle Cruise.

company wants me to pay back half my salary, playing a ukulele in an open office, and more

by Alison Green on December 13, 2022

I’m on vacation. Here are some past letters that I’m making new again, rather than leaving them to wilt in the archives.

1. Company wants me to pay back half my salary since I only worked a few months and “didn’t add enough value”

I recently joined a startup, and I didn’t like it all. They lied to me multiple times:

1) The founder told me they were were profitable, but four weeks in the job I found out they do not make money at all. They have some revenue, but it’s pretty minimal compared to the expenses. They survive on VC money.

2) We agreed that I would work remotely and visit the office once a month. However, on my first visit there, the founder was trying to force me to sign a lease at an apartment in the city, so that I could move there ASAP.

3) They told me they were pretty relaxed and they worked only the standard business hours, and understood that family comes first, blah blah blah. First day on the job, the founder emails me and tells me that the working hours are 9 a.m. – 8 p.m. every single day. But I can have weekends for myself (thank you?).

I’m pretty disappointed. I saw many red flags and chose to ignore them. To begin with, the founder refused to give me an offer letter until I had officially resigned from my current workplace.

I just quit because I can’t stand it anymore. I gave the standard 2 weeks notice, and now the founder has emailed me saying that since I worked less than six months with them, and I did not add enough value to the team, I should reimburse the company half of my wages.

Is that even legal?!?! I’m pretty pissed off that they lied to me, and they want my salary back?

They’re welcome to ask you to turn over your firstborn too, but that doesn’t mean you have any obligation to do it.

They can ask for whatever they want, and you can refuse, assuming no contractual obligations to the contrary.

Obviously you should under no circumstances even entertain the possibility of returning any of your salary, let alone half.

But just to be thorough, I’ll point out that, depending on what your total salary was, it’s possible that returning half of it could (a) make your pay for the time you worked below minimum wage, which indeed would be illegal, or (b) put your salary beneath the minimum required to be considered exempt, which would mean they’d owe you overtime for any hours over 40 you worked in a week during that whole period, plus penalties and interest.

Please decline to return any money to them and count yourself lucky to be getting away when you are.

— 2015

2. Playing a ukulele in an open office

For the last year or so, my best friend has been working in a large open office with maybe 30 or 40 other people. This brings with it the expected annoyances of having to overhear other conversations, lack of privacy, and so forth, but it has also brought a very unexpected and unwanted surprise: a woman who often plays a ukulele in the middle of the workday.

When my friend told me this, I was dumbfounded that anyone, anywhere, could think that playing a musical instrument regularly in an open-office floor plan was appropriate. Apparently, however, not only does this woman play her ukulele frequently, but a few of her cubicle neighbors encourage it. Because it’s been encouraged by a handful of employees, my friend has been reluctant to speak up and complain, but I can’t help but think that there are several dozen other employees being forced to hear it who must hate it as much as my friend does.

I know the correct answer in this specific situation is that my friend should talk to this woman and explain that her ukulele-playing is distracting. Would you, however, like to offer a blanket ruling on the appropriateness of any regular musical-instrument-playing at all in an open-floor-plan office, even when it’s been solicited by a few people? I feel like this is the sort of thing that’s beyond the pale unless it’s done with the express consent of all hearers, but maybe I’m being too harsh about this?

Nope, you’re not being too harsh. Open offices are difficult enough with just the normal range of office sounds — phone calls, work discussions, etc. — and consideration of other people is particularly important in that environment. It’s really not cool to add a loud, entirely optional, potentially very intrusive noise into the mix without the explicit consent of everyone around. And if it’s happening on a regular basis, I’d modify that to the explicit, enthusiastic consent of everyone around.

– 2018

3. The person taking me to my next interview led me to a parking lot and a locked door

I’m job hunting and can’t figure out if I need to send an apology email or just let the situation drop. I recently applied and was called in for a position in the PR department of a company that handles adult-oriented material. Bernard did my phone screen and let me know that it was mostly admin work with the opportunity to help organize events.

They seemed a little unprofessional when I went in (phone in the lobby was disconnected, had to use my cell phone to go through the call system, and once I was buzzed through I had to interrupt an employee to ask where the HR office was). I was finally seated in a conference room by Bernard, given a paper application to fill out, and told that I would see Dolores first and Teddy after. Dolores came in a few minutes later and I thought the interview went pretty well! It seemed to have a nice flow and I thought I asked good questions. She wrapped us up, I thanked her, and remained seated (assuming Teddy would follow). She kind of chuckled and said, “I’ll walk you over!”

As we walked over to what I assumed was Teddy’s office (I know I probably should have clarified that), she chatted with me a little more. We get to a doorway, she opens it, points to the right, and says, “That way!” I thank her and walk down the hallway to realize that’s she’s taken me to the back exit of the building to what looks like a staff parking lot (windowless hallway leading directly to back door). I tried to go back inside to ask if there had been a mix-up, but the door was locked and no one was around, so I walked around the building to the front. I intended to go back up, give Bernard a call to double-check that I wasn’t keeping Teddy waiting, but on the walk over I started to second-guess myself. What if Dolores had made an executive decision that I wasn’t the right fit (her title was higher)? Or Teddy had gone off to lunch or something? I didn’t want to be the candidate who couldn’t take a hint, so when I did reach the front, I just got in my car and left.

It’s been about two days since the interview and I want to send a follow-up like I always do. But I’m really at a loss if it would be appropriate for me to ask if the interview was cut short because I wasn’t a good fit or if it was just a mix-up. I understand I’m probably not going to get the position at this point but I’m just so curious!

There are two possibilities here: (1) Dolores intentionally led you out to a parking lot as a really horrible “we’re not interested and by the way, F you” (which is hard to imagine because that’s just so gratuitously rude and unkind, but years of writing this column have taught me that anything’s possible) or (2) There was some kind of mix-up, like there was a door in the hallway that you missed before you exited or she accidentally pointed you in the wrong direction.

If it was #1, you owe these people nothing. But because it’s possible that it was #2, ideally in the moment you would have called Bernard and said, “I must have misunderstood Dolores’ directions and somehow I’ve ended up outside and locked out.” It’s harder to do that now that a few days have passed, but you could email him and say something like, “I hope I didn’t misunderstand next steps when I was at your office earlier this week. After I met with Delores, she led me to your parking lot. In the moment, I thought the interview must be over, but I wanted to let you know what happened in case if I misunderstood and was intended to stick around to meet with Teddy, like we’d originally discussed.”

This isn’t perfect — if the situation was #2, there’s a good chance they’re going to be confused by why you’d just leave. But they also bore some responsibility to realize you were gone, retrace where they’d taken you, and reached out to ensure this exact confusion hadn’t occurred.

–2018

4. Interviewer asked how my family would describe me

I was being interviewed for a job, and the interviewer asked me, “What words would your coworkers use to describe you?” I said, “They would say I’m very smart and very reliable.” Then she asked, “What words would your family use to describe you?” I was utterly baffled by this question. I mean, I honestly don’t know the answer. But also, what is the point of this question? What is she trying to find out about me? I have another interview in a few days, and I’m worried I’ll be asked this question again. I really feel like saying, “That’s none of your business.”

It’s just a crappy interview question. You can drive yourself insane by trying to read into bad interview questions; more often than not, they’re just someone trying to be creative or who downloaded some questions off the internet (and who in both cases lacks a fundamental understanding of how to interview effectively).

It’s pretty unlikely you’ll be asked this question again because it’s not normal, but if for some reason you were, I’d go with “My family would probably say much the same as my coworkers; I’m basically the same person with both groups.”

Frankly, I’d like more people to respond to intrusive interview questions with “that’s an odd question — why do you ask?” … but I realize that the power dynamic in interviews makes that sadly unlikely.

– 2016

5. Can I trash-talk another candidate who’s interviewing for the same job as me?

Suppose I go to a job interview and it so happens that I know one of the other candidates and his work. Would it be acceptable to comment on it and say in what ways my work is superior to his/theirs? Like, compare pieces of achievements?

Noooo.

It would come across as really obnoxious — arrogant and jerky. Do not do it.

Your job is not to tell the employer how you compare to the rest of their candidate pool; they will decide that on their own. And you should trust that if you’re really that much better of a candidate, they’ll see it; you do not need to let them know.

(And you can read about a time when a candidate did this in an interview with me here. His comments included the hilarious line, “He didn’t do anything last summer except go to Burning Man.”)

Do not do this. You will not get the job, and you will become the talk of the office.

– 2012

update: how long will it take to change the culture at my new job?

by Alison Green on December 12, 2022

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past.

Remember the letter-writer asking how long it would take to change the culture at their new job? Here’s the update.

I took your advice about speaking honestly to Grand Boss one-on-one about my concerns. I asked for a meeting and it was excellent: we both spoke honestly about where the company culture is (terrible) and we both agreed we wanted it to change. By that time, not one but two people from different departments had said “welcome to Hell” to me, the Boss had gone on paternity leave (so not a mandated leave request like you’d hoped) and one person had quit. By the way, she quit right before Boss left and he didn’t organise so much as a card for people to sign. She had done all the right things, worked there for years and given appropriate notice but none of us were told until half an hour before she left.

Grandboss basically said he is are aware of how bad the culture is and wants to change it but honestly didn’t know how to go about it. Upon further questioning, I found out his only managerial experience was in his last, family-based company role, where everyone had been there for years already and knew what to do and how to work with each other; his role had mainly been telling them what tasks to do next. He knew nothing of performance management, how to review work results and behaviours, and had been thrown into the position. He knew which people were the trouble makers, that he knew which people were underperforming and what behaviours needed to be addressed (swearing, race/gender discrimination loaded comments, negativity, icing out, etc).

Basically, I offered to help. I gave Grandboss copies of past reviews I had, recommended articles and books for them to read on performance management, gave them a run-down of things to address with each person, what performance standards should look like, how often to review performance with staff – I practically held their hand. I was brutally honest and said if I don’t see changes or at least attempts to change things here, I’m out. I had 4 months left of my 6 month probation period.

Some things improved with other co-workers. The angry guy who threw things and swore constantly? I called him out on his constant swearing and said he was making it a horrible place to work. I persisted after he tried to laugh it off and say it was just me being fragile. I told him that no, it was disruptive, loud, unnecessary and put everyone on edge. I said, I didn’t want to come across as the bossy new person, but that surely he could see how it was affecting everyone? Intentionally or not? I’m happy to say he took it onboard and made a conscious effort to stop swearing around me. Not everyone else, but it’s a start. To be frank, he could be an excellent manager if he could reign in his temper. He knows his role well, keeps the workplace clean, gets the work done and is an excellent teacher. He became much friendlier over the next few months too.

Although we lost another staff member, we gained two more who are diligent, happy workers. I wish them luck.

I wrote an Idiot’s Guide book on how to do my role, with step-by-step guides, definitions of specific work-related terms, and so on. I was able to train two people in how to do my role, which previously was siloed to three people. Now even Boss, who has no idea how to do my role (!), can pick it up and do it – if he bothers to try. I was also selected to help with the pickiest client and improve our reputation with them for quality work. I became known as the friendly new person in other departments.

I was also invited to be on the Diversity and Inclusion team they started at the company. Hey! It’s great, isn’t it? It’s a start! Then I realised I, the only white Australian woman in the department, was asked. Not the ladies from Columbia, the Philippines, India, Pakistan or Thailand who had been there for years and had been on the brunt end of most of the discrimination in the company. Part of me thinks the only reason I was asked was because when I was in the manager’s offices, working on an assignment on their computer, I overhead the Boys Locker Room talk starting up and made a point to cheerily call out “Just so you know, I’m here and I can hear you!” which immediately turned it into awkward silence and later, apologies.

Speaking of diversity and inclusion, I started getting work from an American client that was, frankly, racist and bigoted. It’s difficult to explain without revealing where I worked so I’ll just say it. I’m a printer. I was asked to print copies of Mein Kampf. And Hitler biographies written in a positive light. Works on how America messed up by allowing racial integration and “the mongrelization of the white man.” Books on “how it’s all the Jews’ fault.” Pro-incest, rape and torture fiction books. Full on hate group stuff. I felt sick to my stomach and absolutely repulsed by the idea that we were creating this garbage that promotes hate, segregation and abuse. I brought it up with Boss who told me to just ignore it. I brought it up again that I wasn’t comfortable working with that material, he said “just don’t read it then”. I brought it up with Grandboss who rolled his eyes, laughed “Americans, right?”

I, and another staff member who was equally disgusted, brought it up at the end of our first Diversity and Inclusion meeting. The guy running it was horrified, but guess what? Nothing immediately changed because they are our biggest client. I brought this up in another one on one with Grandboss. He said I didn’t have to deal with those books anymore and to just make a note so someone else can deal with it. So, it wasn’t not being printed anymore. I just didn’t have to do it.

By this time, I had seen no performance management from Grandboss, any positive changes to training or the work environment seemed to be brought on entirely by me, and now this.

It was the last straw for me. I waited until I had another job offer and then quit. I gave my notice to Grandboss since Boss still wasn’t really talking to me beyond a “do this” or “print that” capacity.

They begged me to stay – not only my Grandboss, but other managers from different departments asked me to reconsider and that they’re trying to turn things around. I just replied that I haven’t seen any evidence of that but wish them luck. I had two coworkers almost crying (we swapped numbers and still keep in touch though) and some of them organised a shared lunch for me during my last week.

Boss didn’t even mention to me that I was leaving. Didn’t even say goodbye on my last day. I checked, he knew, he just didn’t say anything about it? Weird guy. Weird, creepy guy. By the way, I told off the “welcome to hell” guy on my last day and warned him not to say that to any other new people.

I thought I went to a better place (another printing place) but the way a minor sexual harrassment complaint by me has been handled has made me rethink my place at this present company. Long story short, I complained about the men’s magazine pictures of ladies in bikinis all soaped up and lying on cars, etc. stuck up around the work area. I said they were inappropriate and, as the only woman working in that area, make me feel unsafe and uncomfortable. I took them down. I didn’t destroy them, even offered them to another worker as I took them down. He replied indignantly “they’re not mine!” but then told me off for taking them down because “they’ve been there for ages!” and “it’s not hurting anyone!” (My discomfort doesn’t count?) “It’s just the difference between men and women!” No, it’s the difference between a common work space and a spank bank. I think he doth protest too much. (The receptionist later confirmed that yes, they are his pictures.)

I was told the next day by the boss to “take things easy” next time I get upset about something because “we’re all a big family here” and “they were technically dressed”. I wish I’d asked how often he wears a string bikini to work but only thought of it after. We ended up having a discussion via text that night where I used terms like “sexual harrassment” and “indecent work environment” and “consent” and I think he got the message. It’s resolved for now, and another manager apologised for the way it was handled, but I still don’t like that their first reaction was to downplay it. Don’t even get me started on their old marketing campaign where all staff were photoshopped to appear “tastefully nude”.

Out of the frying pan and into the fire, right? I’m staying right up until I get a new job offer.

The job hunt continues. Wish me luck!

updates: the no-tattoos policy, the working mom with little kids, and more

by Alison Green on December 12, 2022

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are four updates from past letter-writers.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

1. It feels impossible to be a working mom with little kids

Oh man what a time that was in my life. I wish I could say the quarantines ended and I bounced back at work but unfortunately I’m one of the many many women who had to tap out.

My life was in shambles at the time I wrote the letter and there was no time for fun or joy and I felt like my kids were getting the absolute worst of me. I hated everyday.

My intention was to stick it out at work and I believe things would have gotten easier considering daycares don’t close for so long now, however I was just done. I never envisioned myself being a stay at home mom but it’s going well and I don’t see a situation where I’d go back to the work force in the traditional sense anytime soon. My oldest was diagnosed with a rare disease in July and that surely would have been the nail in the coffin of my career anyway. The comments were so cathartic and hard to read. I really hope that childcare in the US gets the attention it deserves soon because it’s a shit show. My husband took on more at work to make this happen and things are tight budget wise but also we cut out about $1700 a month in child care tuition. I do truly miss my working life pre-pandemic. The hard part for me is feeling like I didn’t have the choice.

Does it suck being a “statistic”? Yes. Are we all a lot happier now? Yes.

2. My new job didn’t tell me their no-visible-tattoos policy until after I was hired

When I wrote to you, the situation was already a few months in the past so I didn’t really have the opportunity to use any of the advice I was given for that particular scenario. Ultimately I decided very quickly that this environment was not going to be the place for me- the tattoo and piercing fiasco was maybe the biggest issue, but I had a few other concerns about COVID safety and communication with administration. I actually sent a resignation immediately after my first day. (I’m aware that this is definitely not the best practice, and under most circumstances I would like to try and stick it out for a bit and at least give some proper notice. I did, however, make this decision with the knowledge that my first two weeks would have been training and I would not have been needed to meet classroom ratio requirements during that time).

Luckily this turned out to be a great decision. I was able to fill in my employment gap by taking up some short term nanny work and babysitting, and this gave me the opportunity to put in an application to and interview at the amazing school I’m working at now. I did take your advice and asked the director during my second interview if my tattoos or piercings would need to be covered or be an issue in any way. She said not at all, and actually responded with a very brief soap box moment about how no one should have to worry about things like that when applying for jobs. This was a major green flag for me, indicating that this might be a great place for me to work- and it was right!

3. Should I stop saving time slots for clients who regularly cancel? (#3 at the link)

Your advice really helped! I decided to make a firm cancellation/reschedule policy that my clients agree to before I cook for them. With the policy in place, I almost never have cancellations. And if they cancel without proper notice, I charge a cancellation fee (so long as it isn’t an illness or family emergency).

Business is also better. So if I have a client who cancels a lot, I don’t feel bad about dropping them and finding someone else who will respect my time.

It’s not a perfect system, but it’s working so much better than before. It feels great to respect the value of my own time, and to require others to do the same.

4. My old company won’t return my belongings (#4 at the link)

Part of my concern was that I’m a notary and my notary materials were among the belongings my old job had failed to return to me. Notaries are required by law to keep their materials in their possession. I contacted the Secretary of State in my former state, since it’s the governing body for notaries and their website instructs notaries to contact them if an employer refuses to return a notary book, but nothing came of it.

I finally found out what happened to my stuff and it’s theoretically on its way to me, not because the company did anything but because my former co-workers are super thoughtful people. Apparently part of the issue was that the company had packed everyone’s stuff up and put it in storage because they were renovating that section of the office and no one knew where my stuff was amongst all the boxes. When renovations were done and they returned all the boxes, one of my former teammates recognized my things and reached out. She ended up circumventing all the bureaucracy I had been trying to navigate by shipping it all to another friend/former colleague at the local office here.

I still haven’t gotten my things, but I’m not surprised given how long international shipping takes. Both of the people helping me finally get everything back have gone above and beyond to make sure everything I want/need is returned and I’m so appreciative of them.

To me this just further underscores how important it is to build positive relationships with your colleagues, because the individuals you work with will always care more about you than the company itself does.

5. I’m the head of the office. Can I skip the holiday party?

I wrote in November or December 2019, asking whether, as the director of my organization’s local office, I really had to attend a Friday evening holiday party that I hadn’t planned. You published the letter in Slate, saying “yes, you really should attend the party” – which of course I already knew, despite my hope that you’d give me permission to skip it.

What happened the week of the party: on Wednesday, I found out that I’d been accepted to a full-time training program in a related technical field, starting the following July. On Thursday, I gave 4 months’ notice (long but not atypical in my field). On Friday, I attended the first 90 minutes of the party. My grand boss ran over to congratulate me in the middle of the event, which I think led a bunch of people to spend the weekend thinking I was pregnant. On Monday, the C suite announced my departure and we started looking for my successor.

After a challenging search, the new site director started in early March 2020. A week or two later, I agreed to stay on through the end of April to manage our health care organization’s transition to pandemic operations and help my successor get her feet under her. Presumably gestures like attending the holiday party helped give me the credibility to lead rapid reorganization and convince people to adopt new remote workflows and keep showing up to in-person work during those scary early weeks of Covid.

updates: the terrible game store manager, the emotional affair, and more

by Alison Green on December 12, 2022

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

1. I own a game store with a terrible manager who I’m afraid to fire

The update is we tried as best as we could to have performance improvements and set goals to meet, but he has continued to not meet them. We have officially decided to let him go, but our business partners are adamant that we wait until after Christmas to avoid bad blood in the community. We have decided in the interim to hire an assistant manager to give them time to learn the ropes until we let the manager go. Once the manager is gone, the assistant manager will then be bumped to official manager. The assistant manager is a friend of ours and is understanding of this entire timeline and fully on board as well.

2. I don’t want my new boss to come to my extracurricular activity

First off, I’m not sure why I said “performance-based activity” to try and make my hobby less identifiable (mild panic?). What I actually practice is an unusual form of martial arts, and the event was a promotion test open to the public. So while I appreciate the points of the commetariat that as a performer you gotta accept these kinds of things, in this case it didn’t really apply! This was a big milestone for me and not something I’m liable to do again anytime soon.

Anyway, I had every intention of using your script, but in the end I chickened out and was too nervous to walk back the invite. I think she picked up on my vibes, though, because in the end she didn’t come! If I’d known her better or if it had been a regular exhibition match I don’t think I’d have minded as much, but this promotion test was the culmination of years of work and I was really nervous. But I’ve invited her/her son to a tournament my school is hosting next month–we’ll see if they come!

In the meantime, [name] has proven to be a GREAT boss, possibly the best boss I’ve ever had. It’s really enforced for me the fact that a good manager makes all the difference in the world–there is a lot about our institution I really dislike, but she and my grandboss do so much to shield us from the worst parts. Thanks again for your advice, and for all the work you do here. This time a year ago I was at a job so toxic I had to take medical leave for my mental health and eventually quit with nothing else lined up. Reading AAM both gave me practical advice in my job search and reassured me I was making the right choice, even if it was a risky one. I had a hard few months but things have worked out better than I could have imagined.

3. I’ve stopped going into the office and my boss doesn’t know

After my boyfriend finished his program, I moved back to my original location and started going into the office twice a week again (I actually work closely with the people at this location, so it makes sense for me to go. Also, they would know if I was skipping out!)

Shortly after moving back, I got yet another new manager. And about a month ago, my boyfriend was offered a permanent position at the University where he worked on his PhD that will begin in early 2023. So it looks like we’re moving yet again!

I let my manager know, and also asked if there was room for compromise on the in-office time. She said she couldn’t yet give me a formal, official answer but that I “shouldn’t worry.” From her tone, I believe she was implying that either the company might finally make our team permanent WFH in the near future, or that they will make an exception for me. She also said that she didn’t “want to lose” me over this, which I found interesting since I actually was planning on looking for a new position if I wasn’t allowed to be fully remote. Fingers crossed that she comes through for me and I will be granted WFH!

4. Emotional affair with a colleague (#2 at the link)

So ever since I read the response from you and your readers on my situation, I told the guy that I didn’t want to continue anything further and told him to respect my space. He even went a step further telling me that he loved me and asked me to think about being his second wife! That was kind of my breaking point where I had my “oh what the hell am I doing” moment. When I gave him a resounding “ABSOLUTELY NOT” response he wasn’t too happy about it! He later clarified that he wasn’t actually IN love with me, just liked my company as “a friend.” I still stuck to my gut and said no! There were a LOT of pleases and convincing from his side but I told him it was over.

We do occasionally meet at some colleagues’ parties or when we go out with our colleagues once in a while for drinks but I kind of keep my interaction with him to a bare minimum. I have been taking a sabbatical from dating and men for now and focus on my other goals! :) I hope one day I will be ready to meet new guys and start something fresh, stable and healthy! till then- Here’s hoping for it! :) Thank you for all your help.

update: my small open plan office is trying to enforce a semi-quiet work environment and I hate it

by Alison Green on December 12, 2022

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past.

Remember the letter-writer whose small open plan office was trying to enforce a semi-quiet work environment? Here’s the update.

Thank you so much for posting my letter back in July. I ended up replying to some of the commenters who gave their two cents to me that day and I appreciate everyone who had something to say, good or bad.

Firstly, I got myself a new pair of headphones with sidetone (the right term for when you can hear your own voice when you speak into the mic!) and I’ve been making sure to use our meeting rooms for scheduled calls with clients. I still stay at my desk for short ad-hoc calls with coworkers, but I’m much more mindful of the volume of my voice and I occasionally take one of the ears off my headset as well. I also took care to engage Sonia in casual chat only when I knew she was free to talk and she’s been very receptive to it! She’s really nice and we’ve had great conversations when we’re both together in the office.

I had a one-to-one call with my boss, Gary, a couple of weeks after I wrote to you, where he again reiterated that he has no issues with me having casual chats in the office whatsoever and the indirect call-out was truly just because I’m louder than most people and any sort of chatter can be heard super clearly through our headsets when people are on calls. He reminded me that I’m a valued member of the team and that this is 100% a non-issue for him. I reassured him I’d be more mindful going forward and we moved on.

However, things recently took an interesting turn. A few weeks after all this happened, Brian, a coworker who is often in the office and sits just two desks away from me, approached me in the kitchen and kindly asked me to go into a meeting room for calls since I have such a loud voice, and I agreed, apologizing if I ever caused him any issues.

Fast forward to about two months later; it’s a Friday, there’s about 10 people in the office, including Brian, plus two coworkers whose desks are directly behind me and right in front of Brian’s. Brian took an hour-long call with a client at his desk then got up to stretch his legs and grab some water. About 15 minutes later I was busy doing some online training and at one point turned around to tell the coworkers sitting behind me something relevant to the training I was doing, and Brian shushed us from his desk! We hadn’t noticed that he’d joined another call so we switched to whispering, cut our conversation short, and went back to work, but I couldn’t help but notice that both our meeting rooms were empty.

On my next one-on-one with Gary I pointed out that it was quite rude and disrespectful of Brian to shush us like we’re children and that I didn’t appreciate having to whisper to talk to coworkers while I’m in the office because he apparently doesn’t think that the same rules apply to him when it comes to taking calls at our desks versus in a meeting room. I also would’ve had no problems limiting conversation with the coworkers behind me had he approached the three of us to give us a heads up that he’d be joining yet another call from his desk for x, y and z reasons, but he didn’t; he just expected us to, I don’t know, not talk to each other for another hour?! I suggested we send out a general comms to the office, asking people to please make sure they’re taking client calls from meeting rooms if they’re at the office, without singling anyone out. Gary took in my feedback and said he’d speak to the relevant people about this, but I haven’t heard anything else since.

Overall I think the biggest issue right now is I’m burnt out. Burnt out with this industry, with the sort of work I’m doing, and just work norms in general (why hasn’t everyone adopted a 4 days work week yet!!!). Not only was this role not much of a pay bump from my last one, I’ve also been doing essentially the very same thing I was doing at my last job, which wasn’t the impression I was given during my interview – I was led to believe this sort of task would be a very minor part of this new role when in fact it’s at least a third of all my daily tasks, sometimes more. There’s been other issues besides this, but I think my burnout is warping my view of things and it’s making every small grievance and issue that I have feel just so much worse than they actually are.

Interestingly though, I have an interview on Monday! I was helping a friend look for a better job in my area and, just for the heck of it, decided to casually check and see if there were any local jobs that caught my eye – and wouldn’t you know, there was! And it’s in an industry I’m passionate about, doing work that I love doing, for quite a decent pay! I adjusted my resume, wrote a killer cover letter, and heard back from them 12 hours later! We’ll see; I have a great feeling about this interview but I’m also not about to run away from my current job for the first shiny new alternative that comes around. I’ll definitely write to you again to tell you how things went.

Thank you again, Alison and AAM readers! I hope everyone has a lovely holiday season with your loved ones; here’s to a much better 2023 to come!

how do I stop my employees from giving me gifts?

by Alison Green on December 12, 2022

A reader writes:

My team has recently expanded. A couple days ago, one of the new employees gave me a book as a holiday gift. I have never given or received personal gifts at work and don’t want to start. How do I acknowledge the gift without encouraging repeat or treating my employees unequally?

I answer this question — and three others — over at Inc. today, where I’m revisiting letters that have been buried in the archives here from years ago (and sometimes updating/expanding my answers to them). You can read it here.

Other questions I’m answering there today include:

Inviting an hourly employee to a holiday party outside of work hours
Dealing with a run in your pantyhose at a business meeting
Should I accept a rejected candidate’s LinkedIn connection request?

update: my boss is rude to my husband

by Alison Green on December 12, 2022

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past.

Remember the letter-writer whose boss was rude to her husband? Here’s the update.

The situation remains an odd one. Whilst I wussed out of taking your advice when it came to actually talking to my manager about it (I thought there was enough plausible deniability that it might make me look like a bit of a nutter), I did start shutting down the comments when they cropped up, and being rather icier than I normally would be. As women we’re so socialised to be warm and accommodating that I think this took him aback a bit, and the snide comments stopped pretty much dead.

I’ve also set a firm boundary on socialising with him in anything but the largest, most work-centric outings. He got a bit snippy when I didn’t come to his birthday (!) but…sorry, I was out with my husband. Some friends of ours recently had a baby, so we had a very fun evening playing house with said baby whilst the new parents got to have a rare night out together. I even showed my boss some adorable pictures of my husband cuddling said baby. (I know it’s petty.)

However, the sheer wealth of commenters speculating that my boss has a crush on me has me thinking…they’re probably right, and if they are right, then the way he’s going about things is uncomfortable, creepy and unethical. As we move into the much much busier period in our shop, he’s started scheduling just the two of us to work late in the shop to catch up; normally this is a job that a team of at least three people would do, presumably to avoid…well, situations like this. To add to the issue, as my commenters predicted, I didn’t end up getting my own store – imagine I needed a 90% on my performance review to get promoted into it; they gave me a 89.999… Boss and the HR rep (who always sits in on these reviews, as a representative of the regional manager) said in recognition of how hard I work and how many additional duties I take on, they’d enter me for a specific excellence award, which comes with a cash bonus. They’ve since come back to me and said unfortunately, it turns out that’s not what the award is for. I then set a meeting to discuss pay and advanced the points that a) I’m taking on much more work than I was at this point last year, and b) getting paid effectively less for it, due to rampant inflation. The answer was that a raise was not possible, and the plan going forward would be to schedule another performance review after Christmas, and discuss it then. Following this I attended the Christmas meeting, where they told us all how our shop was forecast to take upward of £60k a day. I’ve had a couple of days since then to reflect on how I feel, and I’ve come up with: undervalued and PISSED.

So in short, it’s become time to fall back on your wealth of CV and interview advice, Alison. Thanks to your website, I’ve never felt better placed to job search. There’s a vindictive part of me that really hopes I find something new before Christmas – I know everybody feels like their workplace would collapse if they left, but realistically our store is already a bit like a Jenga tower on its last legs. If I take off during the peak season, it’ll fall apart like a wet cake.

As a last note: this aggressively festive season, please be tender and mild to your retail workers. Especially if you happen to be in (very large bookshop) in (artsy English city), and you notice the conspicuous absence of a certain shaggy-haired, no-makeup, baggy-clothes-wearing team leader…