all of my 2022 book recommendations

by Alison Green on December 8, 2022

All year long, I’ve made a weekly book recommendation when kicking off the weekend open thread. These aren’t work-related books; they’re just books I like, mostly fiction. Sometimes they’re books that I’m in the middle of reading, and other times they’re just long-standing favorites.

Here’s the complete list of what I’ve recommended this year (maybe in time for holiday gift-shopping!). I’ve bolded my favorites of the favorites.

Dava Shastri’s Last Day, by Kirthana Ramisetti. A wealthy philanthropist brings her family to a private island to disclose her terminal illness and plans for her death. Emma Straub said, “If Succession were about a multicultural family who actually loved each other, it might look like this.” I really liked it.

Ghosts, by Dolly Alderton. It’s light but it’s dark. It’s a rom com but it’s more. It’s about ghosting but it’s also about aging parents and changing friendships and career angst and the general mess of life, and it’s funny.

The Maid, by Nita Prose. The narrator, a neurodivergent maid at a high-end hotel, finds a wealthy guest dead in his bed and is accused of his murder.

Movie Star by Lizzie Pepper, by Hilary Liftin. Clearly inspired by the marriage of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, this is an account of an up-and-coming actor who marries a Hollywood A-lister and finds that life with him is not what she expected — and escape is not easy.

All This Could Be Yours, by Jami Attenberg. A family deals with the impending death of their very difficult patriarch.

My Italian Bulldozer, by Alexander McCall Smith. A Scottish food writer, reeling from a break-up, heads to Italy to finish his latest book. Mishaps abound (including a problem with his rental car, which leaves him renting a bulldozer instead).

The Christie Affair, by Nina de Gramont. This is the second novel I’m recommending about the time in 1926 when Agatha Christie disappeared for 11 days, claiming on her return to her faithless husband that she didn’t know where she had been. This one is better than the first, although they are both good and apparently I will read an endless quantity of novels about her disappearance.

Fall or Fly: The Strangely Hopeful Story of Foster Care and Adoption in Appalachia, by Wendy Welch. Fascinating and heart-breaking and frustrating and important.

Paula, by Isabel Allende. A mother’s memoir of family, as her daughter lays in a coma. Beautiful and haunting.

Yearbook, by Seth Rogen. It’s presented as a collection of personal essays, but it’s really more of a memoir about growing up Jewish in Canada in the 80s and 90s, doing a lot of drugs, and trying to figure out family, girls, and comedy. At the start I thought it might be A Bit Too Much, but it’s genuinely funny.

Olga Dies Dreaming, by Xochitl Gonzalez. A wedding planner and her politician brother, abandoned by their radicalized mother, struggle with relationships, political corruption, and family secrets.

The Lifeguards, by Amanda Eyre Ward. Three mothers try to protect their teenage sons when they might be involved in a woman’s suspicious death.

The Intangible, by C.J. Washington. It’s about a woman who’s not pregnant but is convinced she is, and what happens around her.

Secrets of Happiness, by Joan Silber. In a story told by six different narrators, a family finds out their father/husband has a second wife and two kids living across town. This is about what happens afterwards.

A Splendid Ruin, by Megan Chance. An orphan goes to live with rich relatives in 1906 San Francisco, and quickly realizes something is off about her flashy new family.

Old New York, by Edith Wharton. If you need to escape the current moment in time, these four novellas will let you instead worry about the morals of the mid-1800s.

Sea of Tranquility, by Emily St. John Mandel. I don’t know what to say about this! There’s a writer on a book tour and a detective using time travel, and a son exiled from his rich family, and it jumps between centuries. I did not like it quite as much as the author’s Station Eleven and The Glass Hotel, but she writes beautifully and the experience of reading this is almost trance-like.

Lessons in Chemistry, by Bonnie Garmus. A scientist in the 1960s fights sexism, becomes a cooking show star (insisting the whole time that she is a chemist, not a chef), raises a dog and a child, and fights more sexism. It’s darkly funny, quirky, and satisfying.

Happy for You, by Claire Stanford. Midway through her dissertation, a woman leaves grad school to study happiness at the world’s third largest tech company, while grappling with race, family, (possible) marriage, and (possible) motherhood.

Counterfeit, by Kirstin Chen. Rules-follower Ava Wong gets swept up into her college friend’s luxury handbag counterfeit scheme. It’s both a crime caper and an exploration of race, stereotypes, friendship, and who we believe.

The Latecomer, by Jean Hanff Korelitz. A marriage borne out of tragedy produces triplets who feel a strong disconnect from their parents and each other. I do love a dysfunctional family saga and this is one of them, although I think I still prefer Korelitz’s The Plot.

The Golden Couple, by Greer Hendricks and Sarah Pekkanen. A woman confesses her infidelity to her husband and tries to repair her marriage with the help of an unorthodox therapist, but all is not as it seems. I picked this up intending to read for 10 minutes before bed and was still reading hours later. Not all of it is entirely plausible, but you’ll find yourself not caring about that because it’s so riveting.

Love Marriage, by Monica Ali. An engaged couple each struggle with their own demons, their families, and each other.

I’d Like to Play Alone, Please, by Tom Segura. I love his stand-up comedy and he’s just as funny in book form.

Any Other Family, by Eleanor Brown. Three different families adopt siblings, vowing to function as one big family to keep the kids connected. It turns out, though, that chosen family can be just as aggravating as the family you’re born into — and then the kids’ mom announces she’s pregnant again. I really loved this.

Tomorrow, and Tomorrow, and Tomorrow, by Gabrielle Zevin. After creating a wildly successful video game, two lifelong friends contend with fame, love, and their relationship with each other.

The Boys, by Katie Hafner. At the start of this book, the father of two boys receives a letter from a bike touring company, politely asking that he never use their service again. What follows is … a love story? A story of loneliness, connection, family, and grief. It is beautiful in ways that you don’t see coming, and I loved it.

The Startup Wife, by Tahmima Anam. A newlywed coder and her husband develops a wildly popular app with her husband, who soon becomes a messiah-like figure to users (the app creates customized spiritual experiences for the non-religious). Things go sideways.

The Foundling, by Ann Leary. A young woman in the 1920s gets a job at an asylum for women and begins to unravel the dark truth of what’s happening there.

Peter Darling, by Austin Chant. A transgender re-telling of Peter Pan, in which Peter returns to Neverland as an adult and forges a surprising connection with Hook.

The Very Secret Society of Irregular Witches, by Sangu Mandanna, about a nanny to three young witches who must question the witching rules she grew up with. Cozy in a way that reminded me of The House in the Cerulean Sea. Highly recommended.

Happy-Go-Lucky, by David Sedaris. As always, he’s both funny and dark while writing about his family, and this time the pandemic too.

Girls They Write Songs About, by Carlene Bauer. The story of two friends over decades. Beautifully written and perfectly captures the intensity of 20something friendship, as well as how time can change the thing you once made together.

The Lost Ticket, by Freya Sampson. Strangers unite to help an elderly man who is searching for a woman he met on a bus 60 years ago. Someone called this a “hug in book form” and that’s pretty much right.

How to Fall Out of Love Madly, by Jana Casale. Three 30something women try to navigate friendship, roommates, family, work, and love, while grappling with Bad Behavior from men. Gossipy and often relatable.

The Complicities, by Stacey D’Erasmo. After her husband is arrested for Madoff-like crimes, a woman tries to build a new life for herself.

Lucy By the Sea, by Elizabeth Strout. As Covid lockdowns begin, a woman and her ex-husband isolate together in Maine. It’s beautifully written.

Everything I Know About Love, by Dolly Alderton. That friend everyone has in their 20s who’s always slightly tipsy and a complete mess with men, but enormous fun? That is this book.

These Precious Days: Essays, by Ann Patchett. She is a beautiful writer and the title essay will make you cry, or at least it did me.

Little Children, by Tom Perrotta. Two suburban parents, both aimlessly drifting in unsatisfying marriages, are drawn into an affair against a backdrop of stultifying suburbia. Very John Cheever meets Madam Bovary.

Now Is Not the Time to Panic, by Kevin Wilson. Two teenagers cause panic in their small town with a mysterious poster, still reverberating 20 years later. I love everything Wilson writes.

My First Popsicle: An Anthology of Food and Feelings, edited by Zosia Mamet. Various people writing about food, including Danny Lavery on the food literary children take when running away, Jia Tolentino on acid chicken, Tony Hale (Gary from Veep!) on his love of chain restaurants, and more.

Diary of a Provincial Lady, by Em.M. Delafield. This is Bridget Jones if she were married and writing in 1929, and it is hilarious.

And if you’re looking for more, here are my lists of book recommendations from 2021 … from 2020 … from 2019 … from 2018 … from 2017 … from 2016 … and from 2015.

Also: Please note that the HarperCollins Union has been on strike for 21 days and members have been working without a contract for months. Striking workers in this very underpaid industry are asking for a contract that reflects diversity commitments, union protections, and wage adjustments.

This site is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means to earn fees by linking to Amazon.com and affiliated sites. I make a commission if you use these links.

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what’s your company doing for the holidays this year?

by Alison Green on December 8, 2022

What’s your company doing about the holidays this year? In 2020, many employers canceled holiday celebrations because of the pandemic, while others devised creative ways to celebrate — like virtual cocktail tastings and drive-in movies. Last year, some parties were back on, while others weren’t. What’s your office planning for this year?

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an update on my Twitter account hacking

by Alison Green on December 8, 2022

My Twitter account was hacked on Tuesday and I still don’t have access to it. So for now, I’m tweeting from @RealAskAManager. If you’d like to see my tweets, please follow the new account until the old one is restored!

Update: Twitter came through and my original account is restored and back in my hands!

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boss won’t leave me alone about her romantic problems, I’ve become the office seamstress, and more

by Alison Green on December 8, 2022

I’m on vacation. Here are some past letters that I’m making new again, rather than leaving them to wilt in the archives.

1. My manager won’t leave me alone about her romantic problems

My senior manager recently left her husband for another man. This new relationship is very unstable in that they split up on an almost weekly basis. I’ve known my manager for over 20 years, but she has only recently come to work in our team. When she and the new man split up, it is always his decision and she takes it really badly and it severely affects things at work. She will tell everyone about her problems and regularly posts about it on social media. She has called me at home in a state and I’ve spent hours with her trying to console her. But now I’m beginning to feel smothered by her, she won’t leave me alone outside of work, and me and my colleagues are literally carrying her at work and we get no thanks from her for it. I’m at the end of my tether.

Stop answering her calls outside of work. Or if you do answer and she wants to talk about her relationship problems, explain you’re unable to talk (you’re walking into a movie theater / just met a friend for dinner / entertaining guests / running out the door to meet your sister) and will see her the next day at work.

At work, if she tries to lay relationship talk on you, say this: “I know you’re going through a tough time, but since you’re my boss, I don’t feel right being a sounding board for this anymore. I’m sorry I can’t help. I hope you have people outside of work you can talk with.” And then if she continues to try it after that: “Sorry, I’ve got to finish up the X project — I hope things get better for you!” (Accompany that with appropriate body language like turning back to your computer and continuing to work.) And if it still continues: “Jane, I’m so sorry you’re having a tough time, but I’m not comfortable being your sounding board at work. Now that you’re my boss, I feel strongly that we need to have different boundaries in place. I know I didn’t say that earlier, but I’ve realized that I should have. I hope you understand.” And encourage your coworkers to set boundaries with her too.

Regarding carrying her at work — one option is simply to stop. By covering her work for her, you’re enabling her in not doing it herself. Step back from that and see if she steps up (and if she doesn’t, let her deal with the consequences of that).

— 2017

2. I’ve become the office seamstress

I’m a marketing professional in a small-ish office (100 employees) and I’ve made a name for myself recently as the office seamstress. I’ve made quilts for a few of my colleagues who I’m friends with when they had babies, and they were well received and admired throughout the office.
I’m worried this unofficial role is getting a little out of hand. We recently had an event which had bandanas as swag, so I offered to make pillows out of the leftovers for the office, with the assumption that it would be relatively at my leisure. I received the go-ahead to expense the materials; I wouldn’t have made them if I’d had to pay out of pocket for the required resources. Recently, the HR person gave me an “If you can do it, it’d be great!” deadline for the pillows — two weeks away for +30 pillows — because there’s a company-wide meeting she’d like to show them off at, so it’s not really at my leisure anymore, it’s a project with a deadline. Also, I was recently I was speaking with our head of HR and office manager and it was suggested I become an official quilt-maker for baby gifts for pregnant office members, rather than the office manager simply sending a gift basket, and I would expense that, too, versus the quilts I put together previously, which were self-financed gifts to people I care about.

To be clear, I don’t mind this unofficial role. It gives me the resources to practice my quilting without actually having to invest any money (or storage space for finished projects!). My question is whether I should be billing for my time. I feel like making a quilt or pillows on a deadline moves the activity out of a goodness-of-my-heart project into, “maybe I should be charging more than just material costs” territory. I have, however, already shown willingness to do these things, so it feels weird to go back and insist they pay me extra for my time. How do I unblurr that line between unofficial crafter and seamstress on staff?

Hmmm, I think these are two separate things. For the “if you can do it, it’d be great!” deadline for the pillows, I would take your HR person at her word and reply, “Unfortunately I won’t be able to do it by then. I’m working on these as I have time, but two weeks wouldn’t be feasible.” If you get pushed about when you will have them done by, say, “Hmm, I’m not sure. It’s not the kind of work where I do it to deadline. In the future if I’m donating any of this work to the office, I’ll make sure that’s clear.” (And then make sure you do that in the future. If they’re paying for the materials, it’s not unreasonable that they’d want to know it’s going to happen within a certain time period, but you’re allowed to say at the start — before anything is expensed — that this isn’t deadline-driven work for you, and if they don’t like that, they can opt out at that point.)

As for becoming the official quilt-maker for baby gifts … honestly, I wouldn’t do it. It has too much potential for problems if you don’t feel like doing all of them (and when you’ve done them for some people but not for others) and there’s going to be more built-in time pressure on those. But if you do decide to do those, then yes, absolutely you can bill for your work; otherwise it would be a baby gift that’s mostly from you, rather than from your office. It would be perfectly reasonable to say something like, “If we were going to have an ongoing arrangement like that, I’d charge $X for time and materials. Does that work?”

But really, it’s okay to set boundaries here and say, “I really just do it for fun, so I’d prefer to keep it more ad hoc and just when I have the time and the inspiration.”

– 2018

Read an update to this letter here.

3. My manager wants to keep trainees “hermetically sealed off” from other staff

I am one of about 20 designers for a very technical company and also one of the trainers for new designers. We have a lot of turnover, partly because the only jobs we offer are contract, and partly because training is so intense that only about one in four trainees make it. To try to increase the percentage of trainees that succeed, we’ve implemented a bunch of effective strategies. The latest, however, is concerning to me; my manager decreed the other day that in addition to the trainees only being allowed to direct questions to the trainer/designers (which sort of makes sense), they are also only allowed to have lunch with the trainer/designers, specifically, the person assigned as their trainer. Other designers and members of the team are not allowed to join the table. Usually most of us eat lunch together, so this is huge departure from the norm.

My manager said it was to keep trainees “hermetically sealed” (presumably from “contamination” from other designers, with something vague about so we wouldn’t have to un-train bad design habits picked up from lunchtime conversation).

I am really uncomfortable with this, but I can’t really put my finger on why, other than I think it’s just going to make the turnover worse (I’d certainly bail if I were a trainee presented with this and had other options). I am going to speak with my manager about this, but I wanted to see if I am off base in pushing back on this. Am I?

You’re uncomfortable with it because (a) it’s treating adults like children whose social relationships can be managed, and (b) in addition to making trainees feel infantilized, it’s going to make them feel like your company is hiding something.

You’re not off-base in pushing back.

— 2015

Read an update to this letter here.

4. How much should I watch what I say around a coworker with financial worries?

I’m a “senior” in my team and earn a considerable amount more (30% more perhaps) than a mid-level colleague I work closely with. Our life situations are quite different: I am a few years older and single (and benefited from investments in the past), whereas the colleague has a young family and is the sole breadwinner, recently moved to a bigger house on account of family, and as such is stretched from paycheck to paycheck with little in the way of contingency funds. The colleague has spoken over the last few weeks and months about their financial worries and I have tried to be sympathetic and offer practical solutions where I see them.

As a result, I’m conscious of what I can discuss or mention in the office. We have a very informal and chatty environment, so any discussion is usually okay, except I feel uncomfortable mentioning the tablet I bought (we’re in the tech industry so are very geeky about gadgets, etc. – it isn’t just showing off) and even think twice about coming in with a new haircut / color, which as a result I have avoided doing for a while, as they seem too much like conspicuous consumption or a kick in the teeth.

I work with people of a similar job level to myself, who also geek out over tablets, etc. so potentially would have discussions with people other than this colleague. The latest thing in our work group is drones, for example.

How should I handle this? Should I just go about my usual business without worry (I don’t do extravagant things like buying yachts or whatever – they are normal purchases within the bounds of someone with a normal job!) or do I owe any kind of commentary/consideration to the colleague? Should I acknowledge the awkwardness to the colleague and how?

You’re way overthinking this! As long as you aren’t bragging about purchases to your colleague (and it definitely doesn’t sound like you are), you shouldn’t censor yourself. You definitely don’t need to avoid getting a haircut! A haircut is not conspicuous consumption. In fact, your colleague would probably be mortified to find out that you’re altering your behavior like this on their account.

Be kind, but be normal.

– 2016

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updates: employee cries at feedback, coworker doesn’t want me to lift things, and more

by Alison Green on December 7, 2022

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are four updates from past letter-writers.

1. My employee cries whenever I give her feedback (#2 at the link)

I’m the letter-writer whose employee cried when receiving negative feedback. Your response and the comments were very helpful! I especially appreciated hearing from other folks who cry easily, and even the more critical comments helped me understand my colleagues’ perspective.

I ended up speaking to Mary’s other supervisors, using a lot of your language and some from the comments. I didn’t bring up gender (the VP was, frankly, a conservative old fart and I thought he might get defensive), but – inspired by a commenter – I did say “She’s asked us to ignore the crying, and that seems like a reasonable accommodation.” I also had a brainwave (so much more obvious in our current virtual/hybrid world) that my colleagues could simply give her feedback over the phone. Her crying was not audible. They chose to do that, and she later told me that on the phone, she didn’t actually cry at all. The stress that caused the crying was much more about the embarrassment of knowing she was going to cry than the negative feedback itself.

I offered to also give feedback over the phone, but she requested that I continue to give it in person, so she could practice controlling her reaction with the tips she was learning in therapy. Over a year or so, the crying got less frequent/obvious and eventually stopped entirely.

Six years later, Mary is no longer a coworker, but she’s now a close friend – I have her permission to share all of this. She still tears up at the drop of a hat, but not at work!

2. Colleague doesn’t want me to lift things but it’s my job (#2 at the link)

Your response was very helpful – as were the comments, which reassured me that my stance was reasonable (wanting to move boxes of paperwork as I’ve been trained to, without enlisting help ad hoc from other members of staff). I felt confident that if Jennifer took issue with this again, I’d have a good script for it and would know when it was appropriate to involve my supervisor Marty.

However, Jennifer has never yet brought it up again, although she has seen me moving boxes around. Some months back, a very large deposit of full boxes arrived and had to be processed within a short space of time. I did organise help with this – by asking coworkers in advance if they’d be willing to lend a hand on specific days – but also did a lot of the physical work myself. I guess that it acted as a demonstration that I am capable of organising an operation like this without injury or mishap, and that I do know when I can’t do it solo. Also, one of my coworkers (who spent the most time helping me) noticed that I’m physically quite a bit stronger than she expected, in that I could lift heavy boxes more easily than she could, and she remarked on it to me and to other colleagues. It feels a little odd to mention, but if it’s generally known that I am physically capable, that’s a helpful thing in this situation. And if coworkers were saying positive things about my non-physical skills, I’d take it as a compliment, so…

Someone in the comments wondered if Jennifer hovers over other coworkers as well, and from what I’ve seen since, she does have a slight tendency that way, even when she is not their manager. So it’s not just me. She is a kind person and very proactive – it looks like it’s just mildly misplaced helpfulness.

I never needed to raise this with Marty, but now that he’s been my supervisor for longer, it’s clear that he’s a really great boss who wouldn’t hesitate to mediate if I needed him to – and that’s so helpful to know!

3. The shirts my employer offers don’t fit me (#2 at the link)

Thanks so much for answering my letter! As an update, I followed your advice and emailed the coordinator for the leadership program with your suggested language. They apologized, asked what size I needed, and revised the online form to include an “other” option under t-shirt size. I attended the first session of the program last week and it was a great experience! I feel engaged and happy that my organization is investing in my professional development. Also, I received the shirt and it fits well! I am actually wearing it today for “spirit Friday.” I’m so pleased to be able to report that speaking up led to the best possible outcome, both for me and for future program participants who may need non-standard sizes.

4. I might become my roommate’s boss

You gave great advice and so did the commenters!

I ended up taking a better offer and my roommate is now engaged and moved out to be with her fiance. A happy ending all around. :)

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updates: I’m drowning in work, the fan accounts, and more

by Alison Green on December 7, 2022

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are three updates from past letter-writers.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

1. I’m drowning in work (#2 at the link)

I wrote to you back in late 2019 when I was completely overwhelmed at work. Your advice helped me reset my personal expectations, and I stopped caring quite as much about the things not getting done (which was a good thing because a couple of the senior folks ramped up their demands heading into Christmas, sending emails where they told me to work exclusively on Project A while also complaining about the lack of progress on Project B which they had specifically told me not to work on – fun times!). Things continued to be challenging until we wrapped up a large project at the end of February 2020 (ominous music starts …). Two weeks later, we were told to work from home for the foreseeable future. To be fair, my employer did an amazing job of supporting everyone throughout the pandemic – got laptops for everyone who didn’t have one, provided all the gear we needed to work from home and let us expense office furniture, sourced masks from our overseas supplier when they were sold out everywhere and couriered them to employees across the country, pivoted our social activities to online happy hours and trivia contests … they were incredibly thoughtful and diligent about making sure we were all supported.

However, because I’d been absolutely swamped for close to a year, no one wanted to bother me with new projects and I went almost 4 months without talking to anyone other than my boss. I was seriously burned out, so it wasn’t a terrible situation, but it was very weird to have to go looking for things to do.

We eventually filled the vacancies and my workload returned to normal, but I realized the position was not going to change and I’m someone who thrives on learning new things and tackling new challenges so my motivation was dwindling. When they announced this spring that we would be back in the office 2 days a week, I decided it was time to ramp up the search again (boring job was tolerable; boring job plus a 90-minute drive each way, not so much). I followed all of your advice on resumes and cover letters, and interviewed for 3 positions in as many months. The first ghosted me after the interview. The second offered me the job but the pay was the same and I would have given up 3 weeks vacation so turned them down. I’m happy to say I was offered and accepted the 3rd position 2 months ago. It’s 15 minutes from home and came with a 10% salary increase and gold-plated benefits. I figure it will take me at least 2 years to learn everything I need to know here, and when I run out of things to learn on the job, it’s a college and I can take 2 classes a semester for free!

Thank you so much for your excellent advice, both dealing with challenging times at work and on looking for a new job. I’ve recommended your site to all of my friends and family, it’s been incredibly valuable to me.

2. Can my boss legally pay me through PayPal? (#5 at the link)

Based on what you and the readers said, it gave me the confidence to address the issue with my boss/head of the company. We had a one-on-one in which I expressed my issues with having to pay to get paid. I actually felt comfortable enough to tell him I found it insulting.

As it turns out, he’s not as shifty as I once thought: Just the head of a start-up doing his best to keep the lights on and make everyone happy. So, he offered me a 15% raise to cover the PayPal fees, which I gladly excepted, as I like my job! He has also since given all employees the occasional token bonus (small things like $50 gift cards to have “drinks on him” or Amazon gift cards for the holidays).

While these kind gestures won’t pay my bills, I’m happy to say that my hours have increased and I’m doing much better than before. Thanks to the confidence you and my fellow readers gave me, I was able to advocate for myself and get what I wanted out of that situation. Here’s hoping I can do the same when my two-year mark hits. Thanks for always providing much-needed insight into the confusing work-world!

3. I run two fan accounts for musicians — can it go on my resume? (#5 at the link)

I wrote in a little while back about putting my fan accounts on my résumé. I’ve already updated once, but I have another happy update: long story short, my fan accounts got me a new (paid, full-time) job!

It’s not in the music industry, but I can now say that I made the seemingly-impossible leap from tech to marketing. My boss has specifically said, multiple times, that part of the reason he chose me was for my experience with my side projects. Turns out that whole “working a full-time job + part-time internship + managing multiple fan clubs” thing is also a pretty good way to show that I’m a competent multitasker, which is a HUGE asset in my new role. Who could’ve guessed? :)

I reread my last update, and I can’t believe it’s been more than a year since I met my top artist for the first time! I’ve since created a third account, met all three artists, traveled across the country and to another continent for various concerts, and worked on several projects with the smaller artists’ managers. Though I’m not officially working with any of them, at this point I’m able to call the artists and their teams my friends, which is pretty much the coolest thing ever for a fan.

Finally, I’m out of my internship (which turned out to be a hot mess, but that’s another letter). But since I just can’t seem to sit still, I have a new side gig: I’m managing an artist of my own!!! I met him through one of my fan accounts, further confirming that sticking with them was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.

Thanks again for your advice and for all the lovely comments on both my original post and the update. I really do love this community.

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update: my boss made me fire my boyfriend … and then hired her cousin

by Alison Green on December 7, 2022

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

Remember the letter-writer whose boss made them fire their boyfriend … and then hired the boss’s cousin? Here’s the update.

I’ve thought a couple of times of updating you and your readers but hadn’t had the chance to because I have a new job!

After seeing my question posted and your and everyone else’s comments, I realized that the specific situation I wrote about was one of many. Too many. It was very good insight to read your perspective and every commenter’s feedback to consider the mistakes I had made and also the bad management the team and myself were under.

I took your advice and did not raise the issue with my boss or anyone in the team. Just as you mentioned, the board of directors is handpicked by the founder and were very unlikely to pick anyone else’s side or even provide a real counterside. Not surprisingly, the issues began manifesting in other parts of the organization: by July, about 12 people had quit, either citing burnout or just plainly disagreeing with the foundation’s policies and overall treatment of staff. About two of them took actual legal action and its become a huge thing (which is also a taboo subject within the team, we’re not allowed to “gossip”). The cousin has been completly incapable of handling the situation, even though she was promoted from HR to Chief Admin Officer.

I immediately started looking at vacants my experience could fit in February. I also took stock of how that job had been slowly depleting my mental health and decided I was willing to take a pay cut to get out of it. I know I was in a very priviledged position to do so, but after working nonstop for a really long time I figured it was the right moment to take pause and see what I wanted from my career in general.

After a really long hiring process (government position, overseas), I received a conditional job offer in May and at last a final job offer in August. I started my new position in September and it has been life changing. I am so excited to have a set schedule, to leave work and not hearing anything about it until 8 am the next day. I just set my vacation days for December and I was shocked there was no passive agressiveness at takingdays off, they suggested I take more time off! I’m not saying it’s perfect, all offices have their perks, but it’s so much better. I have time to myself for the first time in forever, and it also helps I have amazing benefits.

My boss was shocked when I left, especially after all these people had quit before me (she didn’t know I probably started looking for an out way earlier than those guys). She asked we do not tell the team until my very last day, and I had to convince her not to, which took a lot of effort on those last weeks. That was their MO for most of those exits, just let people disappear and don’t discuss why they left. I finally managed to get time to say goodbye and do a proper handover. I was offered a raise and a retention bonus, which I declined. Fortunately, my departure seemed to open some eyes and other team members were offered a preemptive retention bonus as well. I also had a somewhat honest conversation where I tried to put these issues to the front while not burning any bridges. I’m not very optimistic about any actual changes, but I like to think I tried for the people that still work there.

It’s honestly such a relief to hear back from former coworkers and realize I don’t have to deal with that insanity anymore. It was a turning point getting your feedback and scrolling through the very insightful comments others were kind enough to post (even the harsher ones! lots of wake up calls). I think it sparked a very interesting conversation on HR, personal relationships at work, what is an actual conflict of interest, etc.

Thank you for taking the time to respond, and now for following up. I’m glad to report I’m doing great at my new position! The advice was very appreciated and helped me realize what I needed to do.

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a truly hilarious company holiday party story, told in bullet points

by Alison Green on December 7, 2022

This is one of my favorite holiday stories of all time, which was relayed last week by a reader who is a pure angel for sharing it with us:

I love me some bullet points, so here goes my holiday nightmare. Picture this:

* I was in my early twenties, with my first grown-up job, coinciding with my first house (rental, but it counted).

* I learned the gazillionaire owner of our company elected not to provide a holiday party.

* I decided to be a hero and open my OWN HOME to my co-workers, thereby providing cheer to all, while kissing up to management.

* I also decided to ignore the fact I had only moved into the house on December 1st, and the party needed to happen on the 15th….

* ….while purposely forgetting I had 79 coworkers, all of whom were noted to have iron-clad livers from many a Happy Hour (used car dealership, if it matters). The resources I checked swore that no more than 30% of those invited would likely show in the busy month of December, so I not only invited all 79, but their spouses and significant others. (Yes, it still hurts to admit this.) I was the youngest of the 79 employees by at least 10 years, with all the rest between 35-65 years of age.

* One co-worker (I am still ticked at her, so I will name and shame), SHEILA, decided to have mercy on me and volunteered to co-host. I happily agreed without bothering to nail down what “co-host” meant to SHEILA. At the moment the party started, she had not yet assisted in any way whatsoever.

* Since this was Minnesota in the 1990s, the “womenfolk” of the dealership agreed to provide the food and the rest was BYOB. (Mama didn’t raise no fool, my friends!) (Okay, so she did.) I slaved over my contributions, and everyone else brought chips and more salsa than Texas has ever sold in a month.

* I decorated every inch of my tiny, one-bedroom house, while also unpacking. I had beautiful lighting, Christmas music playing softly, and it even started snowing, just enough to be perfect!

* While I was smugly glowing in my Martha Stewart moment, the guests arrived…all at the same time, as if they were air-dropped by demonic forces.

* How many showed? 78. (The 79th person – the owner – had better plans. And really – didn’t we all?) Luckily, many didn’t bring their better halves, mostly because a shocking number were having affairs with each other, something no one had clued me in on.

* My co-host, SHEILA, was having an affair with our Sales Manager who showed up five minutes after she did, gifted her with raunchy lingerie, and whisked her away for the rest of the evening (but only after telling me to cover them with their respective spouses, should they call).

* None of my invitees remembered to bring glasses, but lucky me, I had already unpacked my grandmother’s vintage china, which they were able to locate all on their own, so they drank their Jack from tea cups. Very fragile teacups.

* And drink they did! When my fancy-pants appetizers ran out, and then all the chips, there was nothing left to balance the booze. Picture a tiny house filled with over 100 people, all drinking, and no food. At one point, I wandered around with a loaf of Wonderbread, gently offering toast to one and all. (Actually, just the bread itself….someone had moved the toaster off the counter to make room for the booze and it took me a week to locate it again.)

* I wasn’t even getting a true picture of how bad the scene was degrading, because 3/4 of my coworkers smoked. As it was December in MN, opening the windows wasn’t really possible, and the air took on a fog-like appearance, which I tried to convince myself was romantic.

* After a couple hours, I heard the most horrific crash, and then multiple thuds, another crash, more thuds, and so forth. Turns out, my boss’ husband decided he would “skate” downstairs to my basement, by lifting one leg in the air, and placing a large glass ashtray under the other foot. He attempted this three times (never clearing more than one step) before I gently suggested my boss should perhaps/possibly/maybe consider taking him home. This suggestion was not well received.

* By now, everyone had had their fill of Christmas music, but thankfully, a guest had the forethought to bring an Anthrax cd, among other metal music, which melded nicely with the cancer-inducing air, and the mosh pit now assembling in my living room.

* At one point, I joined my dogs in my large bedroom closet (tellingly, they had no interest in joining the party, once Johnny Mathis’ comforting carols were replaced by koЯn). I decided to remain in there with them, until my get-together was either busted by the cops or the Lord called me home. Neither happened.

* At midnight – five hours after the party began – I decided I never wanted to see any of these people again, and told them all to leave. Immediately. Over and over. I turned up all the lights, shut down the “music”, and put on old lady pajamas (I had read that trick in Good Housekeeping). Nothing worked until I rounded up all the partially full liquor bottles and heaved them out the back door, into a snow bank. I refrained from yelling, “Fetch!”

* It was then that I noticed the vibrant yellow ring in the snow all the way around my house. It was the color of a highlighter pen, forming a perfect circle. In my fatigue and smoke-dulled senses, it took a bit to notice the footprints next to the ring and I suddenly realized why I never witnessed any guy exiting my (single) bathroom. They had all decided to relieve themselves outside, bless them?

* The landscaping pee ring was my final straw. I collected myself, stormed back inside, and loudly announced that the party was over and everyone had two minutes to exit. Jackets would be collected and dispersed at work on Monday. GET. OUT.

* (I should note that sending people away after seeing them get so inebriated was not a good move on my part, and I would never be party to that today. But as I was the youngest person on staff, and naive, and totally without hope they were ever going to leave, please forgive.)

* After everyone left, around 12:30, I started cleaning. I finished just shy of 9 am, and had to twice run to the store for more cleaning supplies. Someone had sex in my bed, broken beer bottles on my floor, torn drapes, unplugged my fridge (I heard they wanted to get it colder, faster), vomited in various places that my dogs found first, etc. It was a crime scene, and I knew all the suspects.

* The following Monday, I received much appreciation from all, none of whom appeared to remember how I literally lost my cool and threw them out. The gazillionaire owner shook my hand, thanked me for my team spirit, and handed me $20.

* And the pee ring? I had forgotten about it that night and went to bed once I was done cleaning. My landlord stopped by that afternoon, to tell me he was back from vacation (he lived next door, and I was watching his house); he saw the urine and uncomfortably asked me if I was having issues with the plumbing. I ignored the insult that he thought I might squat and pee outdoors in a perfect ribbon like a lunatic, and since I was not allowed to have parties, I told him my dogs evidently were marking their territory and I would speak to them.

* I remained at the dealership for three additional years, and was begged to host the holiday party each season. I finally said I would if koЯn agreed to play the event live. I figured it would be the only way I could top the first (and last) “Stella70’s Holiday Extravaganza.” (And yes, that is actually what I had called it. Cringe.)

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updates: company says they’ll fly me to another state if I need an abortion, and more

by Alison Green on December 7, 2022

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are five updates from past letter-writers.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

1. Company says they’ll fly me to another state if I need an abortion (#2 at the link)

We fought with Big Tech Company for as long as possible but yesterday was Partner’s last day at his job. It really sucks and while I’m incredibly proud of him for taking a stand, I hate seeing him give up something he worked so hard for. I really hope that our decision moved the needle in some small way and maybe the next person to put their foot down will have a different outcome. People shouldn’t have to decide between their rights/safety and their livelihood.

2. My older male colleague gives me condescending, unsolicited advice

I have been waiting to send you an update, hoping for a satisfying end to this story. Today I finally got one.

Bob and I were at an all-day meeting today and ended up sitting next to each other. I had never responded to his patronizing email and we’d continued to interact politely but sporadically throughout the year.

One of the presentations we heard today was about communication styles. The facilitator basically said, “if someone doesn’t answer your phone calls, maybe try emailing them. And if they don’t answer your emails, maybe they’d rather take a call.” Bob and I had a good laugh and then swapped pictures of our dogs.

Thanks for the advice, Alison. And to the commenters who said I sounded a bit ageist, I heard you and I’m working on it. I’ve definitely got a bit of “Okay, Boomer” in my blood and it’s not doing me any good.

3. I think our boss is lying about having a PhD

Just wanted to send an update on our incompetent boss.

We eventually sent in a complaint (jointly written by several people) detailing everything wrong with our terrible boss’s management, and why it was awful for business. They took her out of commission for a month, ostensibly to go through leadership training, then put her back in charge of us in July. When she came back, she seemed slightly chastened and less autocratic, but no more competent.

She clung on for another few months but was recently let go after her job title was merged with another. It’s not clear to me whether her incompetence was the cause, or whether they actually investigated a claim, by an outgoing employee, that she faked her credentials.

Either way, it wasn’t soon enough to completely prevent fallout (a number of employees quit), but we’re relieved to have her gone.

4. I resigned and my boss is pressuring me to stay longer (#4 at the link)

I stuck to the 2 weeks! I told them that staying any additional days only benefits them and not me and my resignation should not come as a surprise.

It was a brutal 2 weeks. They split up my work among 4 people. Every day for 2 weeks I was on 6-8 hours worth of Teams calls being recorded while I trained 4 people. This validated my decision to not stay longer and I was so glad that I didn’t.

I had a job offer within a week!

The advice that I got from you and from the commenters helped me so much and I can’t thank you enough.

5. Why is our CEO replying-all to BCC’s? (#2 at the link)

The good news is that Cecil eventually both a) cooled it with the BCC (or Bram stopped replying) and b) left for greener pastures. Too early to tell about his replacement but I’m cautiously optimistic (though still planning an exit strategy long term). Unfortunately I had a really hard year both at work and health-wise, so I haven’t had the energy to update my resume, and I wouldn’t have been in a good place to make the best impression at a new gig either. Things are calming down on both fronts now and I’m scheduling a proper block of leave to get my shit together in.

The commenters on the original post were curious about Cecil’s reply-all error that made the news. It took so much willpower not to post the link at the time, but the relevant news outlet seems to be kaput so I am willing to share now-less-Googleable details. In short, the error went as follows:

1. Cecil wrote an email to a colleague in which he joked about assassinating a small-time journalist who had been hassling them about alleged financial dodginess
2. Since Cecil was at that time working in Asia, the joke specifically involved an offer to hire a cheap local hitman who would probably come with a side of rice (I know. I KNOW)
3. The piece de resistance: Cecil proceeded to accidentally send this email DIRECTLY TO THE JOURNALIST IN QUESTION.

You can imagine the absolute chef’s kiss level of schadenfreude amongst my team when we discovered this history after dealing with him for a few months. Christ, what an asshole.

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update: my whole office works from home except me — and I’m getting stuck with everyone’s admin work

by Alison Green on December 7, 2022

It’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past.

There will be more posts than usual this week, so keep checking back throughout the day.

Remember the letter-writer whose whole office works from home except for her — and she was getting stuck with everyone’s admin work? Here’s the update.

I quit.

Not dramatically, not rip-the-bandaid-off or anything. I tried to fix it. I realized from reading the comments that a lot of the problem was self-imposed– my desire to keep the machine running at all costs meant I took on more than my fair share, but I truly loved my bosses and my company and even (most of) my coworkers, and wanted us all to succeed. But this mess was broken for real, the comments made that very clear. It was pretty painful to realize, actually. But I knew something had to give.

Buckle in….

So first things first, I told myself to knock it off. I was taking on too many of the company’s problems and not forcing them to find their own solutions. I had to draw harder lines, and resolved to do so.

Second, I started rephrasing the conversations to make it clear that this was their responsibility. I peppered all of my interactions with lots of “your work” and “my help” and tried to avoid any type of “happy to help” type positivity (e.g. if a coworker sent a request for something, I’d respond along the lines of “sure, I can meet your client for you”). Subtle, I know, but I knew this was going to be a long battle so I was laying the groundwork. At this point I thought I’d still be there.

Next, I talked to my boss. I would have liked to do this sooner but she only came in occasionally and it felt like an in-person type of meeting. I told her I wasn’t happy with my current job, and exactly why, and used a lot of the verbiage from the posting (thank you!). I had been forwarding her the truly absurd requests and questions I had been getting for months so this wasn’t new info to her, but I know she was hoping I would never push back this hard. She offered me a new position (I think it was “Operations Manager” or something) to recognize my increased contributions. No mention of a raise. And while it was very nice I don’t LIKE that work, so making it official was the exact opposite of what I wanted. When I declined, she said they would start looking for an admin to “take over your duties.” I reminded her they weren’t “my” duties, and never were. She agreed and apologized, but I didn’t hold my breath. I think the hardest thing for me, and the thing that the posting and the comments really cemented, was realizing my boss agreed with me but wouldn’t do anything to fix it. I know she appreciated me and didn’t want to lose me, but at that point (and all the previous points) it felt very much like lip-service and not much else. Of all the many, many fires to put out, my fire was not a priority and never would be.

After a few weeks I told my boss, by chat, I was going to start working one day a week from home. She asked that I make sure everyone knew which day it would be, which I agreed to without thinking, because this just reinforced to everyone I was SUPPOSED to be in the office handling their shit even though I wasn’t. I also didn’t anticipate (and should have) that people would just wait to ask me to do things till I was in the office again, so this step didn’t work out the way I hoped it would have.

BUT. Something I didn’t anticipate brought it all to a head. Someone asked me to mail something for them on a day I was home. I told them I wouldn’t be able to help, and his response … he said the documents were urgent and needed to go out that day, so I would have to go to the office and take care of it. Yeah. He said *I* would have to go to the office to handle his shit for him. I responded with something like (1) boss is cc’d on this email, and (2) while I’ve been willing to help you with your documents in the past, I am not in the office today, so you will need to handle your documents yourself as I am unable to help you. He didn’t respond. My boss messaged me that she liked my email, and we had a good laugh about it. But then I asked her how the admin search was going even though I knew they never even posted anything about an admin position. She admitted it hadn’t happened yet because it wasn’t a priority (it never was) but promised she would handle it. I think this was when she realized I was serious.

At our next weekly Zoom meeting boss announced the admin position and asked everyone to tell their friends, outlined exactly what the position would entail. I thought she would have phrased it as “taking over OP’s work” since that would have been the easiest way to describe it, but instead she framed it as other people’s assistant (e.g. “this way you won’t have to drive into the office to mail your things anymore.”) I was … impressed. The implication that people had OF COURSE been handling their own shit themselves shut down any sort of protest. On one hand it was absurd because boss 100% knew no one was handling their own admin work, but on the other hand I didn’t care. She basically gas-lit the entire team, and it sorta worked. Fair dos.

The admin job was posted very quickly after that but, shockingly, part-time minimum-wage work with no benefits while all alone in a building handling everyone else’s crap isn’t a dream job. Who knew? The talent pool was … non-existent. I think we had 2 applicants in total, the first of which was hired immediately but didn’t show up for her second day, the second one didn’t show up for the interview. If there were more applicants, I wasn’t aware of them. Coworkers continued to send me their requests on the down-low (eyeroll), but I was too tired to protest so I just did them.

So I can’t say they didn’t try, though it was pretty late in the game and they didn’t really try all that hard. But they tried.

I started browsing job-postings. I’m not sure why I waited so long though loyalty probably had a lot to do with it. But one day I was bored and browsed and applied for a job. And another, and another. And every job I applied for got me an interview. Or at least a request for an interview since I ghosted so many of them. The thought of leaving my company and my job and my boss, all of which I loved, was a LOT. Like, a lot a lot. But one of them was a “can’t miss” opportunity — sort of the Moby Dick of my industry — and I took it. Increased pay, decreased responsibility. Putting in my notice was hard, REALLY hard, but I’ve never regretted it.

So. Lessons learned. To managers: PLEASE pay attention to the division of responsibilities. To employees: (1) Do NOT make other people’s problems your problems. Learn how and when and where to draw the boundaries. And (2) sometimes the situation really is too far gone and the only way to fix it is with a hard re-set. Recognizing and accepting it is the hard part. As Kenny Rogers once said, “You got to know when to walk away, and know when to run.”

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