Ask a Manager

It’s Halloween! Let’s revisit some Halloween questions from past years. (Also, there is an amazing interview coming later today with a haunted house cast member!)

1. My coworker goes overboard with grisly Halloween decorations

People in our office go bonkers over Halloween. Recently we were encouraged to decorate for Halloween. I would take that to mean a little black and orange garland, maybe a plastic pumpkin, right? Well, not hardly. People go overboard and apparently the only rule was no trip hazards in the aisle. The woman in the cubicle next to mine must have emptied out her storage area of Halloween decorations. Now there are gross bloody looking, ghoulish figures hanging from the ceiling above our desk space. There are skeletons with teeth, cobwebs strewn about, and a lifelike bloody head cut off at the neck with facial wounds and hair that appears to be matted with more blood, and a plaque with some sort of satanic looking symbol was hung up. Then she brings in a black cauldron that when plugged in emits what looks like smoke, gurgles, and has neon lighting. There is not a pumpkin in sight!

To me, it’s very dark and not the atmosphere or space that I wish to spend my day in for weeks and yet I have no choice. This is very disturbing. I complained to my manager about the dead people hanging from the ceiling and she just said they weren’t dead people! Everyone thinks this person is so cool because she has a lot of decorations and they ooh and ahhh over it all day long. What is wrong with this picture? This is a large professional corporate office — the finance office for a huge group of physicians, no less. The manager encouraged this and thinks it is just great good-spirited fun and I am looking around thinking, “What is wrong with people”? Too late now, but is this even normal?

Well, it’s pretty oblivious to the fact that not everyone is comfortable with macabre decorations, and I’m alarmed that your manager was so dismissive when she heard about your discomfort.

Do you have HR? They might be more receptive than your boss. But otherwise, next year you could try approaching your coworker ahead of time and explaining that you were creeped out by some of what she put up last time and ask if she’d be open to a different motif. If your sense is that she won’t care, you could try with your boss again, despite her lackluster response this year. I do wonder how clear you were with her; if you didn’t plainly say that you can’t comfortably work around that kind of grisly imagery, it’s worth restating it that way.

— 2021

2. My office’s “kid-friendly” Halloween party was terrifying

My office held a Halloween party this week after hours (immediately after the work day in the office), and said in the invitation that kids and significant others are welcome. Some of us brought our young kids (ages 2-5 or so). When we arrived the signs were pretty ghoulish (dismembered bloody body parts, etc), and one employee, “Bob,” brought this very gruesome and realistic zombie puppet. It’s just as creepy as it looks in the video and it truly terrorized the kids in attendance. The parents are really upset, and would not have brought their kids if we knew that there would be this kind of adult Halloween horror.

The person who did this is otherwise lovely, and is also very close to the CEO. It’s not like management was unaware before it happened, I think they were just clueless about how inappropriate this was for a family event. Before Bob arrived, the CEO was telling people, “I heard Bob is going to bring his special friend Sally” (meaning the puppet). How do we address this with management? Its hard enough in our company for moms of young kids, and I don’t want us to be seen as spoil sports, but I am also really really not okay with the company saying this is a bring your kids event and then having something like this happen. Any advice?

Yes! Talk to whoever is in charge of party planning and logistics for your office and explain this wasn’t kid-appropriate at all! I’m guessing someone involved didn’t understand what is and isn’t kid-friendly and needs that spelled out more clearly. This won’t be you being a spoil sport; this will be you giving someone highly relevant info that they apparently didn’t have and probably would want. (Think if you’d done something similar — you’d want to know!)

You could say, “I think there was a disconnect between whoever said the party would be kid-friendly and whoever planned the decorations. It definitely wasn’t kid-appropriate for small children — my kids and some of the the others were really upset by the some of the gruesome decor and Bob’s puppet. In future years, can we be more careful about that? It of course doesn’t need to be kid-friendly but if we say it is, I want to be sure it won’t terrify our kids.”

Also, next year, make a point of raising this again in case people have forgotten or someone else is doing the planning. Mention that kids were scared last time, and ask for info about exactly what’s being planned. (Maybe talk to Bob in advance of next year’s too.)

— 2019

3. Wearing a Halloween costume to an interview

I have an interview on Halloween. Would it be ok to wear a costume to show my fun spirit?

Nooooo. Unless you’re interviewing someone where “fun spirit” is a major and key job requirement, this would be a very bad idea (and even then, I wouldn’t do it).

While I’m sure there’s some interviewer out there who would appreciate it and think it’s awesome, there are far more who will find it off-key and inappropriate for a professional situation. Plus, you want the focus on your qualifications, not what you’re wearing.

— 2014

4. Do I really have to wear a Halloween costume to work?

I am the assistant to the executive director of a nonprofit human services agency. The culture of the agency includes having the employees and the volunteers wear costumes to work on Halloween. In all of my long work history, wearing costumes to work on Halloween has never before been a part of the workplace culture. Part of my work involves interacting with the public, and my personal standards include the belief that it is not correct to for staff to wear Halloween costumes in the workplace, especially when interacting with members of the public.

When I joined the agency four years ago, I wore a black pantsuit on Halloween and purchased a witch’s hat, and kept the latter item visible next to my desk. I have followed this practice since that initial year, without engendering any negative comments from my manager or other staff members. Halloween is almost upon us again. In the last staff meeting, my manager reminded everyone to wear costumes on Halloween, and said that the staff members who wore costumes would get to go home early on that date, while anyone not wearing a costume would have to stay until the normal 5:00 closing time.

Going home early on Halloween is not a special treat for me, as I have work that needs to get done. I plan on following my usual practice of wearing a black pantsuit and bringing the witch’s hat to work. Although almost all of the rest of the staff, including the manager, show up each Halloween in new and specially purchased costumes, I believe that I am observing the letter of the office culture custom, if not the spirit. Am I under any obligation to go beyond my usual practice of wearing a black pantsuit and bringing the witch’s hat to work on Halloween?

I wouldn’t think so, not in any reasonable office. I mean, some might think that you’re being a bit of a party pooper, but it’s not something that should have any real ramifications for you at work. In fact, it seems clear that it’s not a requirement, based on your manager’s wording that people not wearing costumes will just work until their normal ending time.

That said, for what it’s worth, I think you’re probably being a bit too much of a stickler when you say that people shouldn’t wear Halloween costumes to work, especially if they’re interacting with the public. There are certainly some jobs where that’s true — for example, if you’re a doctor, you shouldn’t be giving patients bad news about their health while dressed as a giant banana or something — but for most jobs, it’s not inherently unprofessional to wear a costume, and if the culture of a particular office is one where people do that, that’s a perfectly reasonable way for that office to run.

None of that obligates you to dress up if you’d rather not, and anyone who gives you crap about that is being a bit of a jerk, since different people have different preferences around this stuff. But at the same time, just as they shouldn’t be judgy about your personal preferences on this, I’d urge you not to judge the people who enjoy dressing up as incorrect either.

— 2016

5. Halloween Christmas card

The photo for our annual Christmas card is being taken on Halloween, prior to our office Halloween potluck, while people will be in costumes! (We are an medical software company, and our recipients include hospitals, clinicians, and universities.) Ugh. I feel that this is unprofessional, tacky, and weird — I don’t understand why we would use a clearly dated photo for our Christmas card. How, if at all, do I raise this concern to our higher-ups?

If you want to raise it, you can be direct about it: “I think it will look really out of place for the season if we send a Christmas card where people are obviously in Halloween costumes. What about taking the photo next week instead?”

But I wouldn’t worry terribly much about it. It’ll be a weird Christmas card! That’s okay.

— 2018

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Should managers always “own the message”?

It is review time at our company. I’m no longer a manager, but was included on an email from our VP about “owning the message.” They don’t want managers saying, “I would have promoted you, but it was turned down at the VP level” or “We wanted to promote you, but our budget wouldn’t let us.” I worked at another company with a similar “own the message” philosophy. What do you think of that? As a manager, I found it hard to do, and there were times where I felt my manager was also dealing with those situations and didn’t truly “own the message.”

It depends so much on the situation. There are managers who take the easy way out by blaming management above them/budgets/other factors when in reality it was their decision (fully or partially) or at least they don’t disagree with the decision they’re conveying. It’s easier to say “management wouldn’t approve the promotion” than “I don’t think you’ve earned it.” That’s a problem; part of management is giving candid, forthright feedback, and it’s not okay to avoid that.

On the other hand, sometimes it’s true that the decision was out of the manager’s hands. That’s a lot trickier. Managers shouldn’t cultivate an us vs. them vibe with their teams vs. management, and they do need to be able to speak for management as a whole. But at the same time, employees deserve to know the truth — and if the truth is something like “your work isn’t being recognized at levels above me and that’s not likely to change,” they really deserve to know that so they can make good decisions for themselves. So I think the communication from your VP needs to be more nuanced.

2. Personal info in the background of a coworker’s cat photos

My company has a Slack channel where employees share cute pictures of their pets. One of our executive assistants hired earlier this year, “Shannon,” frequently shares photos of her three cats, who like to lie on her desk. Sometimes Shannon’s computer monitors are in the background of her cat photos and, with a little zoom-in, you can read everything on her screen. Since Shannon’s job is planning events for our leadership, I’ve been able to see the restaurants and hotels where our execs or board members will be going on what dates. In one case, I’ve clearly seen the personal address and phone number of one of our board members. Only folks in our company Slack can view this channel, and I don’t think anyone would do anything nefarious with this information, but if I were Shannon’s boss or one of our executives, I would not want info like that so public.

I’ve debated sending Shannon a kind email pointing this out, since she might simply not think about what’s in the background of her cat photos. But I don’t work directly with her or even know her well, and I’m afraid my message would seem nosy or rude since I don’t think this habit has caused any problems (yet). Should I say something, or should I “let sleeping cats lie” and let it go?

Say something! It shouldn’t be a big deal to kindly point it out. You could say, “I love seeing your cats! I wanted to mention that in some of the photos, if you zoom in you can see everything on your screen, which you probably don’t want for privacy reasons, especially when you’ve got board member contact info up!”

3. Hearing an ill coworker in the bathroom

I recently got promoted and have my own office. Yay! My new office shares a wall with one of our bathrooms. It’s usually not something I notice (other than occasional flushing) and I mostly tune it out, but twice in the last 24 hours I’ve heard someone become what sounds like violently ill in the bathroom. I can’t really ignore it and have to leave my office when this happens or I will also be ill. In addition to that, I’m worried about my coworker! I think I might know who it is; I’m at least confident about which department the coworker is from. I don’t know what to do now. Nothing? Will it just pass? Should I bring it up to the department manager? HR (seems like that would be too much)?

I’d only mention it in the context of asking for a white noise machine or something else to help mask sound so you can work. I too used to work right next to a bathroom and, believe me, white noise is the way to go.

Beyond that, though, anyone using the bathroom deserves to maintain the polite fiction that whatever they’re doing in there can’t be heard outside of the room. Whether someone is ill or pregnant or having a reaction to something, they deserve privacy around whatever’s going on.

4. Should I refuse to edit AI-generated content?

I’m a copywriter and editor. I’ve built up a great clientele over the years and developed a specialty in writing consumer-friendly content about complex topics in which accuracy is essential (think insurance or healthcare).

One of my long-time clients is also using another firm for content development. Fine with me; I don’t have time to write reams of long form pieces for them. However, this other firm uses AI to generate, or at least assist with creating, content. Invariably, it contains factual errors and bizarre language.

So the client asks me to review it, and I fix the copy. An original sentence might say “400,000 annual llama groomers commended this comb for its praiseworthy proficiency in knot management,” and I correct it to “4,000 llama groomers endorsed this detangling comb last year.”

Here’s the problem. A) I’m pretty sure this other agency charges far more than I do for this terrible work. B) I’m concerned that I’m unwittingly helping the AI-using firm to refine their process. C) I just hate AI on principle; not only is it destroying creative professions but I think the end result will be dystopian horror, as in the short story “I Have No Mouth and I Must Scream.”

But hey, that’s just me! My dilemma: In the future, should I refuse to do this type of work? Or hope that in pointing out its deficiencies, my clients will avoid AI content generation? Or just recognize that this is an inevitable industry change and adapt accordingly?

I wouldn’t want to edit AI copy either! It’s perfectly legitimate to decide that’s not a type of service you provide. But there’s also not one right answer; it’s a personal decision, depending what kinds of work you are and aren’t interested in doing.

If you do decide to stop doing it, you could simply say, “I wanted to let you know I’m no longer going to be available to edit AI-generated content; having done some of it now, I’ve realized it’s a very different type of writing and editing than I enjoy.” If you want, you could add, “I also think AI-generated content isn’t a great thing for users because of XYZ,” but that depends very much on your relationship with the client.

Caveat: any time you turn down work, you’re encouraging the client to build relationships with other writers. Over time it’s possible they’ll send them some of the work you do want, and you’ve got to be okay with that possibility.

5. Client appreciation gifts

There have been a few posts these last few weeks regarding employee gifts and, as a business owner, I agree that money and time off are by far the most universally requested. However, what about client appreciation gifts? We want to say thank-you to our clients at the end of the year but we’re stuck on what to do. No one wants a mouse pad, or another water bottle with our logo on it. By the end of December, we’ve had more cookies, candy, and sugar than we care to admit so we don’t want to add to the pile. What do you and the readers think about a gift card to a local restaurant group? It falls more in the “money” category and a dinner out feels like a nice thank-you, but something about it feels off when talking of client appreciation. Last year we sent Rocketbooks, which were very well received, but we’re having a hard time thinking of something new. We’ve done a few web searches and scoured the logo swag catalogs and are still coming up empty-handed. There’s a reason so many offices get boxes of chocolates and cookies at year-end, they may be less personable but so much easier!

Client appreciation gifts are tough. Money and time off aren’t options the way they are with employees, and it’s very hard to find something that everyone will like … which is how so many people end up back at food. Let’s throw this out to readers.

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Everyone at my company golfs

I work at a company where everyone golfs. The sales team golfs, the underwriters golf, and most of all the C-Suite golfs. When we have all-company meetings, the president makes jokes about the VP’s golf score. When I’m in line in the cafeteria, a VP jokes about how the only reason he’s at work today is because it’s bad weather for golfing.

Today, I found out that our work has purchased a golf simulator for the office. This is after a year when we were told no merit raises, because inflation. (I may note they are also completely renovating to add a bar.)

Frankly, I’m sick of golf! I work in a part of the company that’s primarily female and doesn’t interact directly with clients. None of us are golfers, and it’s frustrating for us when we’re on significant levels of overtime due to understaffing to hear stories about other employees spending all day at the course.

Is this just a case of “If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em?” Do I just need to learn how to golf?

You might need to learn to golf. Or at least, you should take a clear-eyed look around your company and see what the evidence tells you: Do people move up without golfing? Does business get done on the golf course that you’re missing out on, or that you would miss out on in a higher-level position? It could be a situation where everyone golfs but it won’t affect you if you don’t. But if you’re going to take a hit to your career there, then you have to decide how much you care — are you willing to take up golf to avoid that? Or would you rather accept the limitations that will come with staying off the golf course (and know you’ll eventually need to move on in order to move up)?

Either one is a legitimate choice; just make sure you’re being realistic about the situation and what you and aren’t willing to do in response to it.

None of this is intended to imply the situation is fair, obviously, or wise on your company’s part. You’ve just got to be pragmatic about what you’re dealing with.

2. My employee is freezing out a manager after he joked about King Charles

I am a manager for a large company. There are five other people in my role and we share two administrative assistants. One of the admins, “Kate,” is really into the royal family. When there is a wedding or funeral, she will stream it at work or take the day off. There are also a lot of British decorations at her workspace, think a coffee mug with the Union Jack. (We’re in the U.S.)

A few days after Queen Elizabeth’s death, the six managers were preparing for a meeting in a conference room and Kate was helping. We were making small talk about current events and another manager, “William,” said, “It looks like a 73-year-old man will finally get a job.” The rest of us laughed or said things like “no kidding!” Kate was livid. She told William that what he said was disrespectful and hurtful. William said he was sorry, but it wasn’t very genuine. Personally, I think William’s joke was fine but he should have known better than to make it around Kate.

I thought this would blow over, but since this incident, Kate refuses to acknowledge William or do any work for him. Annual reviews are in a few weeks and I think this would be a good time to address this with Kate. It’s not appropriate for her to freeze William out this way and I want her to stop, but I’m not sure how to phrase this without sounding like I’m saying Kate is too sensitive or can’t take a joke, things that I know put people on the defensive. Any advice?

Don’t wait for her annual review in a few weeks; you need to nip this in the bud now. She’s welcome to have whatever personal thoughts about William she wants, but she cannot freeze out a colleague or refuse to do part of her job. That’s a really big deal, and if you let it go on for several more weeks, you’ll be neglecting a fundamental part of your own job, as well as allowing an unpleasant environment to fester for everyone else.

Sit down with Kate and say, “I understand that you found William’s joke offensive, but you cannot freeze him out or refuse to do work for him. Part of your job — part of everyone’s job here — is being civil to colleagues. You don’t need to like William, but you do need to be civil to him and do work for him when it’s assigned.” If she balks at that, say, “I need to be clear — there’s no flexibility on this. I cannot let you create an unpleasant environment for other people or refuse to do part of your job.”

And for the record, that’s a wild overreaction to a mild, if tasteless, joke.

Read an update to this letter. 

3. Hiring after a suicide

One of my direct reports recently died by suicide. We tried to get them help, but had no idea it was this bad. Of course this is breaking the hearts of everyone and our thoughts go out to their family, but it is especially hard on her closest friends who were also her coworkers and were involved in finding them. Everyone is getting trauma support but this will take time for us to work through.

It might seem cold but at some point we will need to fill their position again and I am dreading the question regarding why the position is open. Even if I didn’t mind lying (which I do mind), I believe any new employee deserves to know what they are walking into. We also have a very low staff turnover so it will be evident that a specific person is no longer working with us. How should I handle this with candidates and new employees?

You should definitely be straightforward about it with job candidates so your new hire doesn’t end up blindsided when they start. I’d say it this way: “It’s a sad answer — she died in September. It’s been hard on our office.”

You might also think about whether there are things you can do to make the situation easier on the new person and everyone else. For example, it might make sense to move where the new hire sits so that they’re not at (what people will probably still think of as) “Jane’s desk.”

4. Demotion vs. firing

About two months ago, my team hired a new manager. As the newness has worn off, it’s become clear she’s in way over her head. She hasn’t responded well to coaching and hasn’t shown the amount of improvement we would need to see in order to keep her in a manager role.

When looking at the work she’s been able to complete, she has done an okay job with work that aligns with her (would-be/should-be) direct reports. She can do the more menial tasks, clerical work, etc, even though she’s needed a lot of reminders with our online shared systems. Other leaders and I know she isn’t a good fit for this role and because we have seen such minimal improvements, we are discussing next steps. We’ve tried to find her strengths through various projects (presentations, written reports on data, updating older documents, creating proposals), and everything she submits needs a lot of editing and revising. With one assignment, we had her work with a peer. The peer, without prompting, shared that this manager was a bulldozer who didn’t want to listen to the peer’s ideas, even though the peer was correct and trying to align the project with our original stated goals and expectations!

We’re now considering termination or a demotion. I fear that a demotion could lead to festering emotions or bad morale for the rest of the team she’d join — especially as she was supposed to be their manager and will now be a coworker. Do you have any advice when weighing the two options? I’ve spoken with HR and either is a viable path.

A demotion only makes sense when you’ve seen the person has skills that would let them do well in the lower-level role and the problems aren’t likely to carry over and you have reason to believe they would handle the demotion with reasonable grace. Is any of that the case here? The bulldozer feedback alone says probably not (although it’s worth getting input from others to see if that was just a single person’s impression or if it’s shared by others). Unless you would be actively excited to hire this person into the role you’re considering demoting her into, it’s not a path I’d recommend.

Read an update to this letter. 

5. Applying to jobs if I’m not sure I want to leave my current position

When is it okay to apply to jobs when you’re not entirely sure if you want to leave your current position?

I’ve been in my job for a year and a half, and I’m not entirely sure if I want to stay at my company any longer (for several reasons, but let’s just say I think I could get something better elsewhere, and the paths to promotion/growth in my current role look slim.) Every once in awhile I’ll look at listings and think, this might be a great opportunity but I’m not sure if it’s totally the right thing for me. Part of me thinks, apply, and then see if it might be. If it is, move forward, if it’s not, drop out gracefully. What’s the harm?

So, is it okay to apply casually to jobs if you’re sort of on the fence about what you want next, and even if you don’t know if you want to leave right away?

It is 100% okay. Applying or interviewing for a job isn’t any sort of commitment that you’d take it if offered; you’re just signaling you’re open to talking and to thinking about it. Maybe you’ll learn something that makes you more interested, maybe you won’t. (I mean, I wouldn’t apply just for fun with zero intention of ever accepting a job; that’s wasting people’s time and taking interview slots from people who might really want the job. But interviewing for jobs you’re just unsure about? Totally fine.)

It’s the same way an employer interviewing you isn’t any sort of commitment to hire you. They might not even be convinced they want to hire anyone. None of this is a commitment from either side.